when I was eight years old my parents
finally caved to my begging and agreed
to let me get a dog and I was ecstatic
but at the place we went to go and get
the dog they had a bit of an escape and
all of their dogs ended up getting out
and when that happened my joy turned to
fear and I spent the next 10 minutes
standing on top of a nearby picnic table
crying while allowed hurricane of dogs
ran in circles around me that feeling of
wanting something with every fiber of
your being only to have your own fear
hold you back is not a new feeling for
me that day I had forgotten one very
important fact I was afraid of dogs I
have an anxiety disorder and I lived
nearly every day of my life afraid of
the things around me but I am determined
to not let it shut the door to my future
in my face but that’s not an easy thing
to do and this is my story of how I have
overcome fear and how I continue to do
that every single day now my anxiety
manifests itself in constant worry fear
and a severe lack of self-worth for me
everything was scary I used to be in
Girl Scouts and I remember spending
almost every campout crying because I
was afraid of the woods or the dark I
always had to share a tent with my mom
because I was too afraid to sleep
anywhere else I used to cross swinging
bridges crying and alone and I would
scream at anyone who dared to step on it
and make it swing while I was still on
it I lived my life afraid of nearly
everything from normal things like
Heights and dogs to stupid things like
stairs without railings and of getting
dirty and worst of all my friend
and family had to cater to my fear I
noticed every crossed arm every rolled
eye every groan and every sigh I saw
their annoyance and I hated it it only
made me hate my fear and myself even
more than I already did every day felt
like an uphill battle as if happiness
was this foreign concept that was locked
behind three inches of solid steel and I
didn’t have the key and my anxiety came
to an all-time high my freshman year of
high school everything was so much
harder by the end of that year I had a
twitch in my left eye and my hands had a
constant tremor because of stress and
lack of sleep so that summer I went to a
psychiatrist and I was diagnosed with
general anxiety disorder and I was
started on medication that summer I
finally knew what the problem was I
finally knew that this fear was
something real and I just wasn’t a wolf
I finally knew how to tackle my fear and
that summer I could finally unlock the
door to being happy now for the past
eight years I’ve gone to week-long
summer camps at Camp Kern and the first
time I went I was about nine years old
and I remember going revealing with a
group of campers and counselors and we
got to a Ledge it was about a three to
four foot drop and covered in mud and I
refused to put one foot near that edge
everyone else went on without me while I
stayed behind with two counselors I
spent nearly half an hour sobbing well
they tried to convince me to at least
try it
and by the time I finally decided to
trust them and do it the group had
returned and it was time to go to lunch
I had never been so disappointed in
myself they have a motto at camp Kern
challenge by choice I was challenged and
I chose to give up and I spent the next
four years backing out of challenge
after challenge after challenge but then
the summer I was diagnosed I went to
camp Kern and for the first time in my
life I could be happy without having to
work so hard for it for the first time
in my life I wasn’t frozen by my fear
the encouragement of other people could
get through it and not just be
background noise for the first time in
my life I could decide what I wanted to
do without having my terror tell me what
I wanted to do that summer I went
ziplining in the middle of the night I
rappel down a tower in near darkness I
rode a horse bareback I did things that
I had never had the courage to do before
and when I got back from Camp Kern I
asked my mom is this what it feels like
to be happy and she said yes now this
change was not immediate a lifetime of
fear and anxiety he wasn’t just fixed in
one week or even one year or a lifetime
I will always have this fear but what is
different is I’m not frozen by it I can
overcome it I finally have the courage
to do that and even that week there were
still things that I refused to do
because the fear just seemed too big at
one point I refused to go down a muddy
embankment and some at one point I
refused to go swimming in the river it
took
two more years of tears tentative steps
and trembling hands before I was finally
able to do everything that I was
challenged to do and that was last year
and even then I was terrified at one
point we went down a steep winding trail
it was pitch-black raining covered in
mud and I cried every step of the way
down at some point I was crying so hard
that my eyes were filled up with tears
to the point I couldn’t even see the
trail in front of me I went down half
that trail by scooting along on my butt
and the other half by clutching
someone’s hand but I still did it
courage is not about never being afraid
courage is being terrified and doing it
anyway I would not be where I am today
without the help of so many people
my mother most especially she has never
once let me get out of something if I
was afraid she has unlocked so many
doors for me and forced me to go through
every single one
she’s always forced me to face my fears
no matter how much it hurt her heart to
make me cry and see me be so afraid of
the world around me she was my girl
scout leader and she used to drag me
crying onto bridges or up a ladder she
used to have to sit on me to have teeth
pulled or to get a shot I was afraid of
swimming so she signed me up for lessons
at the YMCA
I was afraid of dogs
so that day as I was crying on top of a
picnic table
she picked out a dog for me and she put
me in charge of all of his training
and honestly in those moments I hated my mother I would scream and cry at her and
mother I would scream and cry at her and but I will never be able to repay her
but I will never be able to repay her for everything that she has done for me
for everything that she has done for me and this past November I finally saw in
and this past November I finally saw in person just how proud she is of me and
person just how proud she is of me and how much her efforts have changed my
how much her efforts have changed my life
life I had my first fall off of a horse now
I had my first fall off of a horse now in the world of horseback riding when
in the world of horseback riding when you fall and you will fall there are
you fall and you will fall there are only two places you can go from there
only two places you can go from there the hospital or back on that horse and
the hospital or back on that horse and as I lay there on the ground staring up
as I lay there on the ground staring up at the sky I knew that I had a choice
at the sky I knew that I had a choice ahead of me I could go home and break
ahead of me I could go home and break that rule and disappoint my mother and
that rule and disappoint my mother and myself or I could have courage and get
myself or I could have courage and get back on that horse
back on that horse so I dusted myself off and I grabbed
so I dusted myself off and I grabbed those reins and i hobbled my way back to
those reins and i hobbled my way back to the mounting block now I was terrified
the mounting block now I was terrified my legs felt like jelly and my hands
my legs felt like jelly and my hands were shaking but as I sat on the back of
were shaking but as I sat on the back of that horse trying to keep a hold of
that horse trying to keep a hold of those reins with numb hands seeing
those reins with numb hands seeing prideful tears fill my mom’s eyes
prideful tears fill my mom’s eyes neither of us knowing just how expensive
neither of us knowing just how expensive the chiropractor was going to be I felt
the chiropractor was going to be I felt on top of the world that moment was a
on top of the world that moment was a coming together of all of my past fears
coming together of all of my past fears and anxieties and I stood strong I know
and anxieties and I stood strong I know more than most people that fear is a
more than most people that fear is a powerful thing I experienced it every
powerful thing I experienced it every day
day my breath hitches every time I have to
my breath hitches every time I have to go down a stairwell that has no railings
go down a stairwell that has no railings and my heart starts pounding every time
and my heart starts pounding every time I step onstage I know more than most
I step onstage I know more than most people that fear seems like this huge
people that fear seems like this huge monster that latches onto every worry
monster that latches onto every worry and misgiving and hesitation but take it
and misgiving and hesitation but take it from me fear is not an impenetrable wall
from me fear is not an impenetrable wall because there will always be a door you
because there will always be a door you just have to surround yourself with
just have to surround yourself with people who love and encourage you and
people who love and encourage you and you see your fear and you resolve to not
you see your fear and you resolve to not give in to it and you steel yourself and
give in to it and you steel yourself and you close your eyes and you count one
you close your eyes and you count one two three and you open that door and you
two three and you open that door and you find out for yourself what lies on the
find out for yourself what lies on the other side thank you
finally caved to my begging and agreed
to let me get a dog and I was ecstatic
but at the place we went to go and get
the dog they had a bit of an escape and
all of their dogs ended up getting out
and when that happened my joy turned to
fear and I spent the next 10 minutes
standing on top of a nearby picnic table
crying while allowed hurricane of dogs
ran in circles around me that feeling of
wanting something with every fiber of
your being only to have your own fear
hold you back is not a new feeling for
me that day I had forgotten one very
important fact I was afraid of dogs I
have an anxiety disorder and I lived
nearly every day of my life afraid of
the things around me but I am determined
to not let it shut the door to my future
in my face but that’s not an easy thing
to do and this is my story of how I have
overcome fear and how I continue to do
that every single day now my anxiety
manifests itself in constant worry fear
and a severe lack of self-worth for me
everything was scary I used to be in
Girl Scouts and I remember spending
almost every campout crying because I
was afraid of the woods or the dark I
always had to share a tent with my mom
because I was too afraid to sleep
anywhere else I used to cross swinging
bridges crying and alone and I would
scream at anyone who dared to step on it
and make it swing while I was still on
it I lived my life afraid of nearly
everything from normal things like
Heights and dogs to stupid things like
stairs without railings and of getting
dirty and worst of all my friend
and family had to cater to my fear I
noticed every crossed arm every rolled
eye every groan and every sigh I saw
their annoyance and I hated it it only
made me hate my fear and myself even
more than I already did every day felt
like an uphill battle as if happiness
was this foreign concept that was locked
behind three inches of solid steel and I
didn’t have the key and my anxiety came
to an all-time high my freshman year of
high school everything was so much
harder by the end of that year I had a
twitch in my left eye and my hands had a
constant tremor because of stress and
lack of sleep so that summer I went to a
psychiatrist and I was diagnosed with
general anxiety disorder and I was
started on medication that summer I
finally knew what the problem was I
finally knew that this fear was
something real and I just wasn’t a wolf
I finally knew how to tackle my fear and
that summer I could finally unlock the
door to being happy now for the past
eight years I’ve gone to week-long
summer camps at Camp Kern and the first
time I went I was about nine years old
and I remember going revealing with a
group of campers and counselors and we
got to a Ledge it was about a three to
four foot drop and covered in mud and I
refused to put one foot near that edge
everyone else went on without me while I
stayed behind with two counselors I
spent nearly half an hour sobbing well
they tried to convince me to at least
try it
and by the time I finally decided to
trust them and do it the group had
returned and it was time to go to lunch
I had never been so disappointed in
myself they have a motto at camp Kern
challenge by choice I was challenged and
I chose to give up and I spent the next
four years backing out of challenge
after challenge after challenge but then
the summer I was diagnosed I went to
camp Kern and for the first time in my
life I could be happy without having to
work so hard for it for the first time
in my life I wasn’t frozen by my fear
the encouragement of other people could
get through it and not just be
background noise for the first time in
my life I could decide what I wanted to
do without having my terror tell me what
I wanted to do that summer I went
ziplining in the middle of the night I
rappel down a tower in near darkness I
rode a horse bareback I did things that
I had never had the courage to do before
and when I got back from Camp Kern I
asked my mom is this what it feels like
to be happy and she said yes now this
change was not immediate a lifetime of
fear and anxiety he wasn’t just fixed in
one week or even one year or a lifetime
I will always have this fear but what is
different is I’m not frozen by it I can
overcome it I finally have the courage
to do that and even that week there were
still things that I refused to do
because the fear just seemed too big at
one point I refused to go down a muddy
embankment and some at one point I
refused to go swimming in the river it
took
two more years of tears tentative steps
and trembling hands before I was finally
able to do everything that I was
challenged to do and that was last year
and even then I was terrified at one
point we went down a steep winding trail
it was pitch-black raining covered in
mud and I cried every step of the way
down at some point I was crying so hard
that my eyes were filled up with tears
to the point I couldn’t even see the
trail in front of me I went down half
that trail by scooting along on my butt
and the other half by clutching
someone’s hand but I still did it
courage is not about never being afraid
courage is being terrified and doing it
anyway I would not be where I am today
without the help of so many people
my mother most especially she has never
once let me get out of something if I
was afraid she has unlocked so many
doors for me and forced me to go through
every single one
she’s always forced me to face my fears
no matter how much it hurt her heart to
make me cry and see me be so afraid of
the world around me she was my girl
scout leader and she used to drag me
crying onto bridges or up a ladder she
used to have to sit on me to have teeth
pulled or to get a shot I was afraid of
swimming so she signed me up for lessons
at the YMCA
I was afraid of dogs
so that day as I was crying on top of a
picnic table
she picked out a dog for me and she put
me in charge of all of his training
and honestly in those moments I hated my mother I would scream and cry at her and
mother I would scream and cry at her and but I will never be able to repay her
but I will never be able to repay her for everything that she has done for me
for everything that she has done for me and this past November I finally saw in
and this past November I finally saw in person just how proud she is of me and
person just how proud she is of me and how much her efforts have changed my
how much her efforts have changed my life
life I had my first fall off of a horse now
I had my first fall off of a horse now in the world of horseback riding when
in the world of horseback riding when you fall and you will fall there are
you fall and you will fall there are only two places you can go from there
only two places you can go from there the hospital or back on that horse and
the hospital or back on that horse and as I lay there on the ground staring up
as I lay there on the ground staring up at the sky I knew that I had a choice
at the sky I knew that I had a choice ahead of me I could go home and break
ahead of me I could go home and break that rule and disappoint my mother and
that rule and disappoint my mother and myself or I could have courage and get
myself or I could have courage and get back on that horse
back on that horse so I dusted myself off and I grabbed
so I dusted myself off and I grabbed those reins and i hobbled my way back to
those reins and i hobbled my way back to the mounting block now I was terrified
the mounting block now I was terrified my legs felt like jelly and my hands
my legs felt like jelly and my hands were shaking but as I sat on the back of
were shaking but as I sat on the back of that horse trying to keep a hold of
that horse trying to keep a hold of those reins with numb hands seeing
those reins with numb hands seeing prideful tears fill my mom’s eyes
prideful tears fill my mom’s eyes neither of us knowing just how expensive
neither of us knowing just how expensive the chiropractor was going to be I felt
the chiropractor was going to be I felt on top of the world that moment was a
on top of the world that moment was a coming together of all of my past fears
coming together of all of my past fears and anxieties and I stood strong I know
and anxieties and I stood strong I know more than most people that fear is a
more than most people that fear is a powerful thing I experienced it every
powerful thing I experienced it every day
day my breath hitches every time I have to
my breath hitches every time I have to go down a stairwell that has no railings
go down a stairwell that has no railings and my heart starts pounding every time
and my heart starts pounding every time I step onstage I know more than most
I step onstage I know more than most people that fear seems like this huge
people that fear seems like this huge monster that latches onto every worry
monster that latches onto every worry and misgiving and hesitation but take it
and misgiving and hesitation but take it from me fear is not an impenetrable wall
from me fear is not an impenetrable wall because there will always be a door you
because there will always be a door you just have to surround yourself with
just have to surround yourself with people who love and encourage you and
people who love and encourage you and you see your fear and you resolve to not
you see your fear and you resolve to not give in to it and you steel yourself and
give in to it and you steel yourself and you close your eyes and you count one
you close your eyes and you count one two three and you open that door and you
two three and you open that door and you find out for yourself what lies on the
find out for yourself what lies on the other side thank you
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