don’t let the baby die that’s what my
sister said to me after I gave birth to
my son I had just graduated from college
I had so many plans and a baby was not
one of them I was really overwhelmed
with the idea of raising a human
actually I was a mess my sister came up
to help me and to meet her new nephew
and one point she’s holding her new
nephew and she looks at me and she says
manda
don’t let the baby die can you do that I
paused I thought yeah I can do that yeah
at that moment I centered in and I
thought don’t
let the baby die my sister helped me
take a complex idea and make it into a
very simple concept she gave me a gift
that day now every time it’s my son’s
birthday i text my whole family and I
say he’s still alive my son is 16 years
for most of my life I’ve associated the
word focused with punishment the
earliest example I can give is in grade
school the teacher would say pay
attention students
focus students it wasn’t until recently
I realized the positivity and focusing
when we focus we can help shape some of
our lives most critical decisions when I
was a sophomore in high school my
parents divorce it was awful
I just wanted to get away from that pain
but at 16 the only way to get out of
town was to go to college so for two
years I focused on getting out of town I
graduated high school and I was accepted
into three colleges I was denied in this
Fellman wait-listed at UCLA and accepted
at UC Berkeley what I did not know then
was that 16 I was honing my skills for
focusing for years to come I have a
niece her name is Chantel were 6 years
apart she was like a little sister to me
my first designer purse was now her
first designer purse she was the new me
and I got to treat her like my sister’s
treated me bad
she came over often she was a soft spot in my heart I went to her soccer games I
in my heart I went to her soccer games I was at her high school graduation and I
was at her high school graduation and I would have been at our college
would have been at our college graduation but her life was cut short
graduation but her life was cut short her brought her boyfriend murdered her
her brought her boyfriend murdered her when it was time to prepare for her
when it was time to prepare for her funeral her mother called me and asked
funeral her mother called me and asked me to come to the funeral home to help
me to come to the funeral home to help with her hair and makeup I went I
with her hair and makeup I went I entered the funeral home from the back
entered the funeral home from the back of the room there was this long aisle
of the room there was this long aisle between the pews the room was this pink
between the pews the room was this pink hazy color and it was cold I felt like I
hazy color and it was cold I felt like I ran down that aisle but it was probably
ran down that aisle but it was probably the slowest I ever walked I came down
the slowest I ever walked I came down the aisle and there at the front
the aisle and there at the front surrounded by beautiful flowers was my
surrounded by beautiful flowers was my Chantal on a prep table her mother
Chantal on a prep table her mother standing behind her looking over her
standing behind her looking over her body at me she said in a very hurried
body at me she said in a very hurried voice she look Mandy can you help and
voice she look Mandy can you help and she grabbed my niece’s shirt I looked
she grabbed my niece’s shirt I looked back at her I touched my nieces cold
back at her I touched my nieces cold body I breathed and I said yes I can
body I breathed and I said yes I can help she began to direct me to what she
help she began to direct me to what she liked and how she wanted her makeup to
liked and how she wanted her makeup to the side of Chantal was her hair and
the side of Chantal was her hair and makeup bag I picked it up I breathed and
makeup bag I picked it up I breathed and I began to work see because at that
I began to work see because at that moment through all my hurt and pain I
moment through all my hurt and pain I had one job to do I was there to help my
had one job to do I was there to help my niece for her final appearance
niece for her final appearance my niece died of a gunshot wound to the
my niece died of a gunshot wound to the head the funeral home did a nice job at
head the funeral home did a nice job at making her look viewable the right side
making her look viewable the right side of her face that would face
of her face that would face the funeral attendees looked almost
the funeral attendees looked almost normal the left side were the gunshot
normal the left side were the gunshot wound exit it was distorted we had to
wound exit it was distorted we had to make up for that I began to apply her
make up for that I began to apply her makeup I began to fix her shirt and then
makeup I began to fix her shirt and then it was time to do her hair
it was time to do her hair my niece’s hair was her prized
my niece’s hair was her prized possession long black gorgeous hair
possession long black gorgeous hair naturally curly and it could be flatiron
naturally curly and it could be flatiron straight but on that day we had to keep
straight but on that day we had to keep it curly
it curly so I began I grabbed the water bottle I
so I began I grabbed the water bottle I sprayed her hair I grabbed the gel I
sprayed her hair I grabbed the gel I squeeze it in my hand I began to crunch
squeeze it in my hand I began to crunch her hair in my hands she felt alive and
her hair in my hands she felt alive and after several crunches her hair began to
after several crunches her hair began to tingle around my fingers I went to
tingle around my fingers I went to remove her hair from my fingers and it
remove her hair from my fingers and it came out in my hand at that moment I
came out in my hand at that moment I knew my niece was dead at that moment I
knew my niece was dead at that moment I could have quit everything I dug deep I
could have quit everything I dug deep I pushed everything down that I was
pushed everything down that I was feeling at that time and I focused and I
feeling at that time and I focused and I finished her mom was my pleased and we
finished her mom was my pleased and we did what we needed to do
at that time I was very strong for my family a few weeks later I sat in my car
family a few weeks later I sat in my car I focused on breathing and I let
I focused on breathing and I let everything that ever hurt me from that
everything that ever hurt me from that incident taken me over I of the cried
incident taken me over I of the cried but I needed to do that I needed to
but I needed to do that I needed to focus to reflect on that pain and I did
focus to reflect on that pain and I did see in order to focus
see in order to focus we must silent the doubtful voice in our
we must silent the doubtful voice in our mind sometimes our voices ours we need
mind sometimes our voices ours we need to shut up in order to focus
to shut up in order to focus we must find perspective by finding
we must find perspective by finding perspective were able to see the
perspective were able to see the positive and the negative and the
positive and the negative and the strength we did not hope know we had
focusing on keeping my son alive helped me to be a parent
me to be a parent focusing on getting out of town away
focusing on getting out of town away from the pain got me to college focusing
from the pain got me to college focusing on being strong for my family helped me
on being strong for my family helped me to bury my niece for her final
to bury my niece for her final appearance when we focus we make the
appearance when we focus we make the complex simple we find out what is most
complex simple we find out what is most important and we don’t let the baby die
important and we don’t let the baby die thank you
sister said to me after I gave birth to
my son I had just graduated from college
I had so many plans and a baby was not
one of them I was really overwhelmed
with the idea of raising a human
actually I was a mess my sister came up
to help me and to meet her new nephew
and one point she’s holding her new
nephew and she looks at me and she says
manda
don’t let the baby die can you do that I
paused I thought yeah I can do that yeah
at that moment I centered in and I
thought don’t
let the baby die my sister helped me
take a complex idea and make it into a
very simple concept she gave me a gift
that day now every time it’s my son’s
birthday i text my whole family and I
say he’s still alive my son is 16 years
for most of my life I’ve associated the
word focused with punishment the
earliest example I can give is in grade
school the teacher would say pay
attention students
focus students it wasn’t until recently
I realized the positivity and focusing
when we focus we can help shape some of
our lives most critical decisions when I
was a sophomore in high school my
parents divorce it was awful
I just wanted to get away from that pain
but at 16 the only way to get out of
town was to go to college so for two
years I focused on getting out of town I
graduated high school and I was accepted
into three colleges I was denied in this
Fellman wait-listed at UCLA and accepted
at UC Berkeley what I did not know then
was that 16 I was honing my skills for
focusing for years to come I have a
niece her name is Chantel were 6 years
apart she was like a little sister to me
my first designer purse was now her
first designer purse she was the new me
and I got to treat her like my sister’s
treated me bad
she came over often she was a soft spot in my heart I went to her soccer games I
in my heart I went to her soccer games I was at her high school graduation and I
was at her high school graduation and I would have been at our college
would have been at our college graduation but her life was cut short
graduation but her life was cut short her brought her boyfriend murdered her
her brought her boyfriend murdered her when it was time to prepare for her
when it was time to prepare for her funeral her mother called me and asked
funeral her mother called me and asked me to come to the funeral home to help
me to come to the funeral home to help with her hair and makeup I went I
with her hair and makeup I went I entered the funeral home from the back
entered the funeral home from the back of the room there was this long aisle
of the room there was this long aisle between the pews the room was this pink
between the pews the room was this pink hazy color and it was cold I felt like I
hazy color and it was cold I felt like I ran down that aisle but it was probably
ran down that aisle but it was probably the slowest I ever walked I came down
the slowest I ever walked I came down the aisle and there at the front
the aisle and there at the front surrounded by beautiful flowers was my
surrounded by beautiful flowers was my Chantal on a prep table her mother
Chantal on a prep table her mother standing behind her looking over her
standing behind her looking over her body at me she said in a very hurried
body at me she said in a very hurried voice she look Mandy can you help and
voice she look Mandy can you help and she grabbed my niece’s shirt I looked
she grabbed my niece’s shirt I looked back at her I touched my nieces cold
back at her I touched my nieces cold body I breathed and I said yes I can
body I breathed and I said yes I can help she began to direct me to what she
help she began to direct me to what she liked and how she wanted her makeup to
liked and how she wanted her makeup to the side of Chantal was her hair and
the side of Chantal was her hair and makeup bag I picked it up I breathed and
makeup bag I picked it up I breathed and I began to work see because at that
I began to work see because at that moment through all my hurt and pain I
moment through all my hurt and pain I had one job to do I was there to help my
had one job to do I was there to help my niece for her final appearance
niece for her final appearance my niece died of a gunshot wound to the
my niece died of a gunshot wound to the head the funeral home did a nice job at
head the funeral home did a nice job at making her look viewable the right side
making her look viewable the right side of her face that would face
of her face that would face the funeral attendees looked almost
the funeral attendees looked almost normal the left side were the gunshot
normal the left side were the gunshot wound exit it was distorted we had to
wound exit it was distorted we had to make up for that I began to apply her
make up for that I began to apply her makeup I began to fix her shirt and then
makeup I began to fix her shirt and then it was time to do her hair
it was time to do her hair my niece’s hair was her prized
my niece’s hair was her prized possession long black gorgeous hair
possession long black gorgeous hair naturally curly and it could be flatiron
naturally curly and it could be flatiron straight but on that day we had to keep
straight but on that day we had to keep it curly
it curly so I began I grabbed the water bottle I
so I began I grabbed the water bottle I sprayed her hair I grabbed the gel I
sprayed her hair I grabbed the gel I squeeze it in my hand I began to crunch
squeeze it in my hand I began to crunch her hair in my hands she felt alive and
her hair in my hands she felt alive and after several crunches her hair began to
after several crunches her hair began to tingle around my fingers I went to
tingle around my fingers I went to remove her hair from my fingers and it
remove her hair from my fingers and it came out in my hand at that moment I
came out in my hand at that moment I knew my niece was dead at that moment I
knew my niece was dead at that moment I could have quit everything I dug deep I
could have quit everything I dug deep I pushed everything down that I was
pushed everything down that I was feeling at that time and I focused and I
feeling at that time and I focused and I finished her mom was my pleased and we
finished her mom was my pleased and we did what we needed to do
at that time I was very strong for my family a few weeks later I sat in my car
family a few weeks later I sat in my car I focused on breathing and I let
I focused on breathing and I let everything that ever hurt me from that
everything that ever hurt me from that incident taken me over I of the cried
incident taken me over I of the cried but I needed to do that I needed to
but I needed to do that I needed to focus to reflect on that pain and I did
focus to reflect on that pain and I did see in order to focus
see in order to focus we must silent the doubtful voice in our
we must silent the doubtful voice in our mind sometimes our voices ours we need
mind sometimes our voices ours we need to shut up in order to focus
to shut up in order to focus we must find perspective by finding
we must find perspective by finding perspective were able to see the
perspective were able to see the positive and the negative and the
positive and the negative and the strength we did not hope know we had
focusing on keeping my son alive helped me to be a parent
me to be a parent focusing on getting out of town away
focusing on getting out of town away from the pain got me to college focusing
from the pain got me to college focusing on being strong for my family helped me
on being strong for my family helped me to bury my niece for her final
to bury my niece for her final appearance when we focus we make the
appearance when we focus we make the complex simple we find out what is most
complex simple we find out what is most important and we don’t let the baby die
important and we don’t let the baby die thank you
Please follow and like us: