[Applause]
no one should live in fear of the person
they let get far too many do one in four
women and one expected men will
experience domestic violence by partners
sometime in their life this number is
just a conservative estimate it doesn’t
include unreported encounters and it
doesn’t include verbal or psychological
abuse which is often just as damaging
even so given this conservative
statistic that means that roughly 20 of
you sitting here today have or will
experience domestic violence if you had
20 years ago that I would experience
domestic violence and that I was going
to stay with a man who abused me I
wouldn’t have believed you those are
things don’t happen to people like me
I’m educated independent strong even if
I were to experience domestic violence I
certainly wouldn’t stay I would need to
second anyone lay their hands on you
this is a huge misconception I didn’t
understand how it worked and most don’t
until it happens today among the many
things I learned that abuse does not
discriminate it can happen to anyone and
to contract anyone and I was no
exception to this my name is Hannah
Petrillo I’m a domestic violence
survivor and I’m here with you today to
share parts of my story and to help you
better understand the complexities of
abuse so how do I go from believing that
I would never put up with abuse just
staying in a relationship that could
kill me the boiling frog analogy
something might cancel or share with me
help me to better understand this the
premise of the analogy is that if a frog
is put into boiling water it will jump
out but if it is put in cold water and
brought to a boil slowly it will not
proceed the danger and be cooked
people at domestic violence situations
are not thrown into a pot of boiling
water rather it is a slow and strategic
cooking process facilitated by the
abuser to gain control while I was in
the midst of an abusive relationship I
could never accept that I was that frog
being slowly cooked looking back now
though it is so clear to me what began
as a fairy tale relationship with
promises of a beautiful future slowly
more into controlling behaviors
disguised as I’m looking out for my
well-being just turned into telling me
who I could be friends with what I wear
this turned into verbal rage and
throwing items at me which turned into
shoving Harry Mullin and then hitting
the he continued to turn up he would
showed me wait me and threatened to kill
me and my family when I got out of the
hospital after the first big incident I
began to see domestic violence counselor
and she asked me to set boundaries she
said where do you draw the line in
Rockaway I told her choking that’s my
line just two months later is real joke
to me and I stayed Israel by the way is
the name of my ex-boyfriend now I knew
the choking wasn’t okay I knew none of
it was okay but I adjusted to it and
found myself just to find what I had
considered inexcusable behavior if I
finally were to tell me that there’s
significant other choked them I haven’t
told him to run from that relationship
so how could I don’t take the same
advice it is not because I’m weak or
that I don’t value myself or that I am
stupid members of our community need to
strip away these harmful assumptions
they are false and they bring shame to
victims for already being torn apart by
the person they love I’m strong I’m
worthy and I’m smart and so are all the
other men and women to decide stay there
partners the reason someone stays is no
fault of their own
the abuser uses power control and a
great deal of manipulation to track the
victim into submission
this wheel shows me that the common
tactics used to do so Israeli used to
seven well that these are me he isolated
me from friends tried Iceland different
family he used intimidation of violence
by throwing items at me destroying my
property
he used his status as the man at the
house to tell me that as a woman it was
my job to give him any sexual favor on
demand one early morning when I didn’t
want to have sex for the fourth time in
a row because I hurt he kicked me out of
the bed and pushed me out of his house
into the street but he would minimize
the abuse and often blamed it on me
really whenever he could he would flip
the situation tell me how terrible of a
girlfriend I was making me feel like I
was the one who needed to apologize he
would follow this up by threatening to
leave me I don’t know this sounds like a
great opportunity for me to get out easy
that’s not how I took it
I feared losing him and this fear is a
common theme in many abusive
relationships it stems from trauma
bonding when someone that we love
traumatizes us they narrow chemicals in
our brain becomes significantly
dysregulated causing us to create that
person and to do all that we can to make
things right with them Israel knew that
threatening to leave was a sure way to
get control and obedience from me in
fact the first time he was physical with
me he broke up with me because how dare
I like the guy’s Instagram of it when I
got out of the hospital he found me and
begged for forgiveness I told him back
but you know what I was sure to never do
again
a guy’s Instagram photo along with anything else that he didn’t want me
anything else that he didn’t want me doing because not only did that make you
doing because not only did that make you a fruit that would mean I will lose him
a fruit that would mean I will lose him and that is the worst thing I could
and that is the worst thing I could imagine this trauma bond along with with
imagine this trauma bond along with with what I interpreted it to be intense
what I interpreted it to be intense feelings of love and the belief that
feelings of love and the belief that things would get better is a bigger
things would get better is a bigger reason I stayed but everyone’s reason
reason I stayed but everyone’s reason for sting and their feelings of
for sting and their feelings of entrapment berry other common reasons
entrapment berry other common reasons include rely on your partner for
include rely on your partner for finances religious or cultural beliefs
finances religious or cultural beliefs not having a support system the fear
not having a support system the fear that no one will believe you or being
that no one will believe you or being afraid of what your partner has
afraid of what your partner has threatened to do if you leave you may be
threatened to do if you leave you may be thinking but how could anyone fall in
thinking but how could anyone fall in love with someone like this to begin one
love with someone like this to begin one the answer is we don’t we don’t fall in
the answer is we don’t we don’t fall in love with someone who presents
love with someone who presents themselves as controlling in fact
themselves as controlling in fact abusers are master manipulators at
abusers are master manipulators at gaining a person’s love and trust they
gaining a person’s love and trust they lure you into acts of love and kindness
lure you into acts of love and kindness this is known as a mud bombing Israel
this is known as a mud bombing Israel love bomb the shit out of me before I
love bomb the shit out of me before I even began dating I woke up one day to
even began dating I woke up one day to these with hand pick flowers on my front
these with hand pick flowers on my front porch
porch he brought me on romantic getaways he
he brought me on romantic getaways he wanted to know everything about me and
wanted to know everything about me and he praised every little thing when we
he praised every little thing when we began to date he talked about the
began to date he talked about the extravagant future we were going to have
extravagant future we were going to have together we were going to live in a
together we were going to live in a tropical paradise and sail the world and
tropical paradise and sail the world and on the time that was my dream he knew
on the time that was my dream he knew that and he knew everything on sidelight
that and he knew everything on sidelight and we thought he painted the most
and we thought he painted the most perfect future I could imagine
perfect future I could imagine I felt wealth Israel before he began to
I felt wealth Israel before he began to abuse me it wasn’t until I was wrapped
abuse me it wasn’t until I was wrapped around his fingers that the heat began
around his fingers that the heat began to really turn up and when the eighties
to really turn up and when the eighties did begin it wasn’t constant there’s a
did begin it wasn’t constant there’s a cyclical pattern to domestic violence
cyclical pattern to domestic violence after an incident Israel reconcile with
after an incident Israel reconcile with me he would apologize and assure me
me he would apologize and assure me things would be better
things would be better he used his time to remind me about
he used his time to remind me about stress issues about was terrible
stress issues about was terrible ex-girlfriends and if he just needed
ex-girlfriends and if he just needed time to see that I for sure wasn’t like
time to see that I for sure wasn’t like them he convinced me they were soul
them he convinced me they were soul mates and how could I give up on my soul
mates and how could I give up on my soul mate so I stay and then for some time
mate so I stay and then for some time things would go on as they hadn’t it
things would go on as they hadn’t it again with the exception that I not had
again with the exception that I not had rules to follow rules that I will be
rules to follow rules that I will be through only temporary until things did
through only temporary until things did get and so during this time he would
get and so during this time he would treat me latest places this is known as
treat me latest places this is known as the honeymoon period eventually though
the honeymoon period eventually though no matter what I did to peace tensions
no matter what I did to peace tensions would rise and something with setting up
would rise and something with setting up and the cycle would continue to repeat
living through this cycle is how trauma bars are defend you create your
bars are defend you create your partner’s love and kindness and even
partner’s love and kindness and even belong to the hope but the bad things
belong to the hope but the bad things will come to an end so how did I see the
will come to an end so how did I see the cycle it is when I expected that the bad
cycle it is when I expected that the bad things were not coming to an end and
things were not coming to an end and that the good things were just a show
that the good things were just a show for so long I did my this because I
for so long I did my this because I didn’t want to believe it it is only
didn’t want to believe it it is only when I found out he had been unfaithful
when I found out he had been unfaithful multiple times that I was able to see
multiple times that I was able to see and accept things for what they really
and accept things for what they really were he was a manipulative narcissistic
were he was a manipulative narcissistic sociopath and he was not going to change
sociopath and he was not going to change he would get mad at me for sitting next
he would get mad at me for sitting next to a male in the classroom and
to a male in the classroom and constantly accuse me achieve it he was
constantly accuse me achieve it he was the one who’s leading her on with other
the one who’s leading her on with other women in mind about it
women in mind about it everything he accused me of was a
everything he accused me of was a projection of his actions except Thomas
projection of his actions except Thomas broke my heart because I’d meant losing
broke my heart because I’d meant losing whom I thought he was and I had given up
whom I thought he was and I had given up so much of myself and my freedom because
so much of myself and my freedom because I believed in them more than anything I
I believed in them more than anything I wanted to see Israel through the dark
wanted to see Israel through the dark types so that the future that once
types so that the future that once seemed so promising would come to life
though it was very painful to accept the reality of my situation and let go of
reality of my situation and let go of the illusion he created I’m beyond
the illusion he created I’m beyond grateful that I did because I now see
grateful that I did because I now see how dangerously deep I was in that
how dangerously deep I was in that relationship I would like to say that I
relationship I would like to say that I would have left if he tried to kill me
would have left if he tried to kill me and I’d only by what up
and I’d only by what up but just as I excuse the choking I may
but just as I excuse the choking I may have excused in your death PA I want to
have excused in your death PA I want to share with you some things that I wish I
share with you some things that I wish I had known before meeting Israel in order
had known before meeting Israel in order to protect yourself from following love
to protect yourself from following love with something like this it is important
with something like this it is important to know the early warning signs and to
to know the early warning signs and to accept what they signify before the
accept what they signify before the water starts to heat up because once it
water starts to heat up because once it heats up that psychological hold and a
heats up that psychological hold and a power they have over you make it much
power they have over you make it much more difficult to leave so here are some
more difficult to leave so here are some of these signs blood bombing and the
of these signs blood bombing and the fast paced relationship are typical
fast paced relationship are typical signs at the beginning of an abusive
signs at the beginning of an abusive relationship however they are not
relationship however they are not definite indicators of abuse so listen
definite indicators of abuse so listen to yourself if things don’t feel right
to yourself if things don’t feel right they probably marked I remember my dad
they probably marked I remember my dad expressing to me don’t you keep it scary
expressing to me don’t you keep it scary Israel seems too good to be true what is
Israel seems too good to be true what is he hiding
he hiding now imagine why I listen to my dad step
now imagine why I listen to my dad step beyond science that are more subtle
beyond science that are more subtle include having rigid gender rules
include having rigid gender rules showing signs of possessiveness always
showing signs of possessiveness always deflecting blame and isolating me from
deflecting blame and isolating me from bloodwork’s if your partner shows traces
bloodwork’s if your partner shows traces of these know that it is not healthy
of these know that it is not healthy not to be excused and will likely only
not to be excused and will likely only progress if your partner speaks
progress if your partner speaks disrespectfully about multiplexes and
disrespectfully about multiplexes and doesn’t acknowledge their own goal and
doesn’t acknowledge their own goal and whatever went wrong this is a red flag
whatever went wrong this is a red flag it is likely that they are the problem
it is likely that they are the problem not their exes Israel told me that every
not their exes Israel told me that every single one of his exes was a lying
single one of his exes was a lying deceitful bitch
deceitful bitch come to find out they were none of those
come to find out they were none of those and he had abused every single one of
and he had abused every single one of them finally if you find out that your
them finally if you find out that your partner has a pasta domestic-violence
partner has a pasta domestic-violence you need to take this very seriously
you need to take this very seriously when Israel’s current girlfriend found
when Israel’s current girlfriend found out about his past as a result of him
out about his past as a result of him going to jail and being charged with
going to jail and being charged with domestic violence she came to his
domestic violence she came to his defense and said he would never hurt
defense and said he would never hurt anyone you might think how soon they
anyone you might think how soon they could she be but I get it
could she be but I get it I’ve been where she is all she’s
I’ve been where she is all she’s experienced is his ultra loving side and
experienced is his ultra loving side and he is great at twisting stories if she
he is great at twisting stories if she needed these signs and was educated by
needed these signs and was educated by abuse she would have a much better shot
abuse she would have a much better shot at leaving before things start to heat
at leaving before things start to heat up and that goes for everyone there’s so
up and that goes for everyone there’s so much more to domestic violence than what
much more to domestic violence than what I’ve shared with you today so if you
I’ve shared with you today so if you want to know more
want to know more how does about the science how to
how does about the science how to support someone going through it what to
support someone going through it what to do if you are going through I encourage
do if you are going through I encourage you to go to the hotline or call their
you to go to the hotline or call their number now after leaving an abusive
number now after leaving an abusive situation there is a road of healing
situation there is a road of healing head it hasn’t even been a year since I
head it hasn’t even been a year since I left theaters yet Here I am
left theaters yet Here I am I certainly still carry scars and have I
I certainly still carry scars and have I run into PTSD but given the
run into PTSD but given the circumstances I’m doing much more okay
circumstances I’m doing much more okay much sooner than I would have expected
much sooner than I would have expected I believe that counseling is a very
I believe that counseling is a very important step to healing but what I
important step to healing but what I have found to be even more
have found to be even more transformative in my recovery is sharing
transformative in my recovery is sharing my story I first shared last September
my story I first shared last September for an assignment in one of my
for an assignment in one of my university courses the assignment was to
university courses the assignment was to share a personal suffering in an
share a personal suffering in an expressive arts performance I performed
expressive arts performance I performed a monologue accompanied by dance piece
a monologue accompanied by dance piece the captured the lay had my abusive
the captured the lay had my abusive relationship from beginning to end
relationship from beginning to end sharing my story in this way helps me to
sharing my story in this way helps me to reclaim my voice and my power I received
reclaim my voice and my power I received so much love and support from everyone
so much love and support from everyone who witnessed it and this gave me the
who witnessed it and this gave me the courage to be involved by doing so I
courage to be involved by doing so I have let others know that they are not
have let others know that they are not alone and how to encourage them to
alone and how to encourage them to distance themselves from toxic people in
distance themselves from toxic people in their own lives I had no idea that
their own lives I had no idea that sharing my story could have such an
sharing my story could have such an impact but the thing is my story is not
impact but the thing is my story is not unique there are millions of people who
unique there are millions of people who have been through these and who are
have been through these and who are going through it right now including
going through it right now including some of you in this room
so I decide once but these adversely impacts so many in
but these adversely impacts so many in our community
our community yet we shy away even talking about it
yet we shy away even talking about it because that’s an uncomfortable topic
because that’s an uncomfortable topic but this only fuels the problem abuse
but this only fuels the problem abuse happens behind closed doors and it’s
happens behind closed doors and it’s lives is secrecy so we must speak up I
lives is secrecy so we must speak up I wanted all of you to join me and adding
wanted all of you to join me and adding voices to the fight against abuse if you
voices to the fight against abuse if you can share your story educate yourself
can share your story educate yourself learn how to support so I’m going
learn how to support so I’m going through it and teach your children what
through it and teach your children what a healthy relationship looks like
a healthy relationship looks like because the more voices that I’ve heard
because the more voices that I’ve heard and the more educated we are the more we
and the more educated we are the more we can take a stand against this thank you
no one should live in fear of the person
they let get far too many do one in four
women and one expected men will
experience domestic violence by partners
sometime in their life this number is
just a conservative estimate it doesn’t
include unreported encounters and it
doesn’t include verbal or psychological
abuse which is often just as damaging
even so given this conservative
statistic that means that roughly 20 of
you sitting here today have or will
experience domestic violence if you had
20 years ago that I would experience
domestic violence and that I was going
to stay with a man who abused me I
wouldn’t have believed you those are
things don’t happen to people like me
I’m educated independent strong even if
I were to experience domestic violence I
certainly wouldn’t stay I would need to
second anyone lay their hands on you
this is a huge misconception I didn’t
understand how it worked and most don’t
until it happens today among the many
things I learned that abuse does not
discriminate it can happen to anyone and
to contract anyone and I was no
exception to this my name is Hannah
Petrillo I’m a domestic violence
survivor and I’m here with you today to
share parts of my story and to help you
better understand the complexities of
abuse so how do I go from believing that
I would never put up with abuse just
staying in a relationship that could
kill me the boiling frog analogy
something might cancel or share with me
help me to better understand this the
premise of the analogy is that if a frog
is put into boiling water it will jump
out but if it is put in cold water and
brought to a boil slowly it will not
proceed the danger and be cooked
people at domestic violence situations
are not thrown into a pot of boiling
water rather it is a slow and strategic
cooking process facilitated by the
abuser to gain control while I was in
the midst of an abusive relationship I
could never accept that I was that frog
being slowly cooked looking back now
though it is so clear to me what began
as a fairy tale relationship with
promises of a beautiful future slowly
more into controlling behaviors
disguised as I’m looking out for my
well-being just turned into telling me
who I could be friends with what I wear
this turned into verbal rage and
throwing items at me which turned into
shoving Harry Mullin and then hitting
the he continued to turn up he would
showed me wait me and threatened to kill
me and my family when I got out of the
hospital after the first big incident I
began to see domestic violence counselor
and she asked me to set boundaries she
said where do you draw the line in
Rockaway I told her choking that’s my
line just two months later is real joke
to me and I stayed Israel by the way is
the name of my ex-boyfriend now I knew
the choking wasn’t okay I knew none of
it was okay but I adjusted to it and
found myself just to find what I had
considered inexcusable behavior if I
finally were to tell me that there’s
significant other choked them I haven’t
told him to run from that relationship
so how could I don’t take the same
advice it is not because I’m weak or
that I don’t value myself or that I am
stupid members of our community need to
strip away these harmful assumptions
they are false and they bring shame to
victims for already being torn apart by
the person they love I’m strong I’m
worthy and I’m smart and so are all the
other men and women to decide stay there
partners the reason someone stays is no
fault of their own
the abuser uses power control and a
great deal of manipulation to track the
victim into submission
this wheel shows me that the common
tactics used to do so Israeli used to
seven well that these are me he isolated
me from friends tried Iceland different
family he used intimidation of violence
by throwing items at me destroying my
property
he used his status as the man at the
house to tell me that as a woman it was
my job to give him any sexual favor on
demand one early morning when I didn’t
want to have sex for the fourth time in
a row because I hurt he kicked me out of
the bed and pushed me out of his house
into the street but he would minimize
the abuse and often blamed it on me
really whenever he could he would flip
the situation tell me how terrible of a
girlfriend I was making me feel like I
was the one who needed to apologize he
would follow this up by threatening to
leave me I don’t know this sounds like a
great opportunity for me to get out easy
that’s not how I took it
I feared losing him and this fear is a
common theme in many abusive
relationships it stems from trauma
bonding when someone that we love
traumatizes us they narrow chemicals in
our brain becomes significantly
dysregulated causing us to create that
person and to do all that we can to make
things right with them Israel knew that
threatening to leave was a sure way to
get control and obedience from me in
fact the first time he was physical with
me he broke up with me because how dare
I like the guy’s Instagram of it when I
got out of the hospital he found me and
begged for forgiveness I told him back
but you know what I was sure to never do
again
a guy’s Instagram photo along with anything else that he didn’t want me
anything else that he didn’t want me doing because not only did that make you
doing because not only did that make you a fruit that would mean I will lose him
a fruit that would mean I will lose him and that is the worst thing I could
and that is the worst thing I could imagine this trauma bond along with with
imagine this trauma bond along with with what I interpreted it to be intense
what I interpreted it to be intense feelings of love and the belief that
feelings of love and the belief that things would get better is a bigger
things would get better is a bigger reason I stayed but everyone’s reason
reason I stayed but everyone’s reason for sting and their feelings of
for sting and their feelings of entrapment berry other common reasons
entrapment berry other common reasons include rely on your partner for
include rely on your partner for finances religious or cultural beliefs
finances religious or cultural beliefs not having a support system the fear
not having a support system the fear that no one will believe you or being
that no one will believe you or being afraid of what your partner has
afraid of what your partner has threatened to do if you leave you may be
threatened to do if you leave you may be thinking but how could anyone fall in
thinking but how could anyone fall in love with someone like this to begin one
love with someone like this to begin one the answer is we don’t we don’t fall in
the answer is we don’t we don’t fall in love with someone who presents
love with someone who presents themselves as controlling in fact
themselves as controlling in fact abusers are master manipulators at
abusers are master manipulators at gaining a person’s love and trust they
gaining a person’s love and trust they lure you into acts of love and kindness
lure you into acts of love and kindness this is known as a mud bombing Israel
this is known as a mud bombing Israel love bomb the shit out of me before I
love bomb the shit out of me before I even began dating I woke up one day to
even began dating I woke up one day to these with hand pick flowers on my front
these with hand pick flowers on my front porch
porch he brought me on romantic getaways he
he brought me on romantic getaways he wanted to know everything about me and
wanted to know everything about me and he praised every little thing when we
he praised every little thing when we began to date he talked about the
began to date he talked about the extravagant future we were going to have
extravagant future we were going to have together we were going to live in a
together we were going to live in a tropical paradise and sail the world and
tropical paradise and sail the world and on the time that was my dream he knew
on the time that was my dream he knew that and he knew everything on sidelight
that and he knew everything on sidelight and we thought he painted the most
and we thought he painted the most perfect future I could imagine
perfect future I could imagine I felt wealth Israel before he began to
I felt wealth Israel before he began to abuse me it wasn’t until I was wrapped
abuse me it wasn’t until I was wrapped around his fingers that the heat began
around his fingers that the heat began to really turn up and when the eighties
to really turn up and when the eighties did begin it wasn’t constant there’s a
did begin it wasn’t constant there’s a cyclical pattern to domestic violence
cyclical pattern to domestic violence after an incident Israel reconcile with
after an incident Israel reconcile with me he would apologize and assure me
me he would apologize and assure me things would be better
things would be better he used his time to remind me about
he used his time to remind me about stress issues about was terrible
stress issues about was terrible ex-girlfriends and if he just needed
ex-girlfriends and if he just needed time to see that I for sure wasn’t like
time to see that I for sure wasn’t like them he convinced me they were soul
them he convinced me they were soul mates and how could I give up on my soul
mates and how could I give up on my soul mate so I stay and then for some time
mate so I stay and then for some time things would go on as they hadn’t it
things would go on as they hadn’t it again with the exception that I not had
again with the exception that I not had rules to follow rules that I will be
rules to follow rules that I will be through only temporary until things did
through only temporary until things did get and so during this time he would
get and so during this time he would treat me latest places this is known as
treat me latest places this is known as the honeymoon period eventually though
the honeymoon period eventually though no matter what I did to peace tensions
no matter what I did to peace tensions would rise and something with setting up
would rise and something with setting up and the cycle would continue to repeat
living through this cycle is how trauma bars are defend you create your
bars are defend you create your partner’s love and kindness and even
partner’s love and kindness and even belong to the hope but the bad things
belong to the hope but the bad things will come to an end so how did I see the
will come to an end so how did I see the cycle it is when I expected that the bad
cycle it is when I expected that the bad things were not coming to an end and
things were not coming to an end and that the good things were just a show
that the good things were just a show for so long I did my this because I
for so long I did my this because I didn’t want to believe it it is only
didn’t want to believe it it is only when I found out he had been unfaithful
when I found out he had been unfaithful multiple times that I was able to see
multiple times that I was able to see and accept things for what they really
and accept things for what they really were he was a manipulative narcissistic
were he was a manipulative narcissistic sociopath and he was not going to change
sociopath and he was not going to change he would get mad at me for sitting next
he would get mad at me for sitting next to a male in the classroom and
to a male in the classroom and constantly accuse me achieve it he was
constantly accuse me achieve it he was the one who’s leading her on with other
the one who’s leading her on with other women in mind about it
women in mind about it everything he accused me of was a
everything he accused me of was a projection of his actions except Thomas
projection of his actions except Thomas broke my heart because I’d meant losing
broke my heart because I’d meant losing whom I thought he was and I had given up
whom I thought he was and I had given up so much of myself and my freedom because
so much of myself and my freedom because I believed in them more than anything I
I believed in them more than anything I wanted to see Israel through the dark
wanted to see Israel through the dark types so that the future that once
types so that the future that once seemed so promising would come to life
though it was very painful to accept the reality of my situation and let go of
reality of my situation and let go of the illusion he created I’m beyond
the illusion he created I’m beyond grateful that I did because I now see
grateful that I did because I now see how dangerously deep I was in that
how dangerously deep I was in that relationship I would like to say that I
relationship I would like to say that I would have left if he tried to kill me
would have left if he tried to kill me and I’d only by what up
and I’d only by what up but just as I excuse the choking I may
but just as I excuse the choking I may have excused in your death PA I want to
have excused in your death PA I want to share with you some things that I wish I
share with you some things that I wish I had known before meeting Israel in order
had known before meeting Israel in order to protect yourself from following love
to protect yourself from following love with something like this it is important
with something like this it is important to know the early warning signs and to
to know the early warning signs and to accept what they signify before the
accept what they signify before the water starts to heat up because once it
water starts to heat up because once it heats up that psychological hold and a
heats up that psychological hold and a power they have over you make it much
power they have over you make it much more difficult to leave so here are some
more difficult to leave so here are some of these signs blood bombing and the
of these signs blood bombing and the fast paced relationship are typical
fast paced relationship are typical signs at the beginning of an abusive
signs at the beginning of an abusive relationship however they are not
relationship however they are not definite indicators of abuse so listen
definite indicators of abuse so listen to yourself if things don’t feel right
to yourself if things don’t feel right they probably marked I remember my dad
they probably marked I remember my dad expressing to me don’t you keep it scary
expressing to me don’t you keep it scary Israel seems too good to be true what is
Israel seems too good to be true what is he hiding
he hiding now imagine why I listen to my dad step
now imagine why I listen to my dad step beyond science that are more subtle
beyond science that are more subtle include having rigid gender rules
include having rigid gender rules showing signs of possessiveness always
showing signs of possessiveness always deflecting blame and isolating me from
deflecting blame and isolating me from bloodwork’s if your partner shows traces
bloodwork’s if your partner shows traces of these know that it is not healthy
of these know that it is not healthy not to be excused and will likely only
not to be excused and will likely only progress if your partner speaks
progress if your partner speaks disrespectfully about multiplexes and
disrespectfully about multiplexes and doesn’t acknowledge their own goal and
doesn’t acknowledge their own goal and whatever went wrong this is a red flag
whatever went wrong this is a red flag it is likely that they are the problem
it is likely that they are the problem not their exes Israel told me that every
not their exes Israel told me that every single one of his exes was a lying
single one of his exes was a lying deceitful bitch
deceitful bitch come to find out they were none of those
come to find out they were none of those and he had abused every single one of
and he had abused every single one of them finally if you find out that your
them finally if you find out that your partner has a pasta domestic-violence
partner has a pasta domestic-violence you need to take this very seriously
you need to take this very seriously when Israel’s current girlfriend found
when Israel’s current girlfriend found out about his past as a result of him
out about his past as a result of him going to jail and being charged with
going to jail and being charged with domestic violence she came to his
domestic violence she came to his defense and said he would never hurt
defense and said he would never hurt anyone you might think how soon they
anyone you might think how soon they could she be but I get it
could she be but I get it I’ve been where she is all she’s
I’ve been where she is all she’s experienced is his ultra loving side and
experienced is his ultra loving side and he is great at twisting stories if she
he is great at twisting stories if she needed these signs and was educated by
needed these signs and was educated by abuse she would have a much better shot
abuse she would have a much better shot at leaving before things start to heat
at leaving before things start to heat up and that goes for everyone there’s so
up and that goes for everyone there’s so much more to domestic violence than what
much more to domestic violence than what I’ve shared with you today so if you
I’ve shared with you today so if you want to know more
want to know more how does about the science how to
how does about the science how to support someone going through it what to
support someone going through it what to do if you are going through I encourage
do if you are going through I encourage you to go to the hotline or call their
you to go to the hotline or call their number now after leaving an abusive
number now after leaving an abusive situation there is a road of healing
situation there is a road of healing head it hasn’t even been a year since I
head it hasn’t even been a year since I left theaters yet Here I am
left theaters yet Here I am I certainly still carry scars and have I
I certainly still carry scars and have I run into PTSD but given the
run into PTSD but given the circumstances I’m doing much more okay
circumstances I’m doing much more okay much sooner than I would have expected
much sooner than I would have expected I believe that counseling is a very
I believe that counseling is a very important step to healing but what I
important step to healing but what I have found to be even more
have found to be even more transformative in my recovery is sharing
transformative in my recovery is sharing my story I first shared last September
my story I first shared last September for an assignment in one of my
for an assignment in one of my university courses the assignment was to
university courses the assignment was to share a personal suffering in an
share a personal suffering in an expressive arts performance I performed
expressive arts performance I performed a monologue accompanied by dance piece
a monologue accompanied by dance piece the captured the lay had my abusive
the captured the lay had my abusive relationship from beginning to end
relationship from beginning to end sharing my story in this way helps me to
sharing my story in this way helps me to reclaim my voice and my power I received
reclaim my voice and my power I received so much love and support from everyone
so much love and support from everyone who witnessed it and this gave me the
who witnessed it and this gave me the courage to be involved by doing so I
courage to be involved by doing so I have let others know that they are not
have let others know that they are not alone and how to encourage them to
alone and how to encourage them to distance themselves from toxic people in
distance themselves from toxic people in their own lives I had no idea that
their own lives I had no idea that sharing my story could have such an
sharing my story could have such an impact but the thing is my story is not
impact but the thing is my story is not unique there are millions of people who
unique there are millions of people who have been through these and who are
have been through these and who are going through it right now including
going through it right now including some of you in this room
so I decide once but these adversely impacts so many in
but these adversely impacts so many in our community
our community yet we shy away even talking about it
yet we shy away even talking about it because that’s an uncomfortable topic
because that’s an uncomfortable topic but this only fuels the problem abuse
but this only fuels the problem abuse happens behind closed doors and it’s
happens behind closed doors and it’s lives is secrecy so we must speak up I
lives is secrecy so we must speak up I wanted all of you to join me and adding
wanted all of you to join me and adding voices to the fight against abuse if you
voices to the fight against abuse if you can share your story educate yourself
can share your story educate yourself learn how to support so I’m going
learn how to support so I’m going through it and teach your children what
through it and teach your children what a healthy relationship looks like
a healthy relationship looks like because the more voices that I’ve heard
because the more voices that I’ve heard and the more educated we are the more we
and the more educated we are the more we can take a stand against this thank you
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