[Music]
dear Oh could I see the hands of people
who would say I have never been in
struggle with my lover my father or
mother my neighbor or my boss right I
would say that’s a North Korean result
we have consensus that the question how
we can solve our struggles our fights
maybe even our wars with other people is
probably one of the most difficult in
life how do we do this and I know how
hard it is I know it by experience
unfortunately I was 13 years old when my
parents divorced and when they started
for the senior 40 years of
non-communication
they didn’t exchange one word and that
was hard and that was really painful and
to be honest this is the first time in
my life that I tell this story in front
of an audience live you know I’m a
journalist I know that autocue I know
how it is to write an article at home
and to see the computer screen but I
have 1200 people alive and kicking in
front of me so this is not an easy task
and if I make a mistake please laughs so
now I can take a look at this paper I
can see what my next sentence might be
my father is 89 now and he sits on his
rural rowing machine two or three times
per day and he’s a funny guy he’s a
passionated guy he always says I’m
against women Frank I’m against women as
close as possible that kind of guy and
my mother who died about three years ago
was was a really warm and wise woman
and she was more more emotionally
introvert and she would say things like
we’re on the beach here Frank you see
this sand you know you can pick it up
you can try and take it home like this
you know if you want to have it you want
to hold it then you see the sand runs
away from your hand and that’s the same
with people you can also pick them up
and put it in your hand like that try
and take it home and the wind will blow
something out of it that you’ll come
home with much more don’t do this to
people because then you’ll do it to
yourself
she was that kind of a woman she would
also always say can you explain you you
know all Frank you know or you think you
know okay you explain to me why is a
woman allowed to love two three eight
twelve children but only one man why is
it why is it so in our culture in our
religion isn’t that strange
let me introduce you to my father and
mother this is the start of the
documentary I made about them and about
their divorce and there’s a decision
whether or not to see each other again
[Applause]
[Music]
okay
mama – yeah so now if start Anita now it
feels better about in vacant equipment
also helpful so if you are oh all that
honey of the hospital name he kept her
behind after reality and faith service
yeah and now the FinTech the envelope
exceeds the KY k and there who will tell
you about
just yeah then more thing sure thing fun
fun
my hot mommy that the single bridge of
sugar needles who could let all the air
around on a bet let the foundation for
over I know dr. Brennan more balcony i
man just push the doctor shooter yeah
belches Ohio Nukem 3d was here I also
picked out attendant guillotine evil
fulfill design this well you understand
that that blue stuff you know that was
my first article she left as I said when
I was 13 and she left because of her
love for another man my father was
called young and he was called John my
father was a truck driver who drove
inside Holland and she got another
enough attention from in him she she was
cold next to him and John it was an
international trucker who never came
home
that’s also quite a difference but but
it wasn’t easy for her to leave us I see
that you know since the years have
developed in-into de señor I see that
that must have been really a tough
decision for her to leave me my sister
Desiree and my father because she
honestly loved us and and she she fought
to to make a decision she ended up in a
mental hospital
using valium coming back home leaving
again using more of a liam and then in
the end she left and she divorced my
father divorced – of course and it was
then that I wrote my
first official article as a reporter I
was 14 I wrote a letter to the judge
together with my sister Desiree and we
said we never wanted to see my mother
again
never and the judge asked us to come to
him personally not in court and he gave
us a bottle of shoku Mel Shoko soft
drink and he was a it was a smart guy
and he sort of checked if we had written
that letter or my father had written
that letter and when he found out that
we had written the letter he he said
that we could stay with my father and I
didn’t see my mother for 10 long years
then really tough years my father
remarried she remarried she got two
beautiful daughters
Francois Z and Polina and my father
remarried remarried with a woman and she
gave him a son a half brother of mine
and of mine and his name was Ben oh and
the tragic thing was that Ben now was
killed in a car accident behind our home
by one of the cars of my father’s truck
company and his father brother was
driving that car so that gave my
father’s hate towards my mother and an
extra shot she had two bright young
daughters and and he had had an extra
son but that son got killed and so did
the years developed further Amin and
further on upon and them and my father’s
hate grew and and grew and grew and all
those years I was wondering how do we
end a fight how do we end a struggle how
do we end a war a family war you know I
was I was developing as an interviewer
as a reporter and and I saw parties had
struggles countries had struggles people
had struggles so how do you cope with it
how do you do that and how do you start
with it in your personal life and I
simply couldn’t couldn’t find a way out
and then I got married and that that’s
the best way to find out how struggle
works
yeah yeah it’s really a good way to find
out because I I noticed that when I
quarreled with linacre them maybe six
out of ten times I thought I was right
but she was so that gave me only four of
the ten times yeah do that do that women
are always more right than men because
they have more empathy in them isn’t it
true it is yeah
so I came to the conclusion if it’s like
that in my own marriage if it’s really
like that in my own marriage how was it
in my my fathers and mothers I mean can
I keep up this black-and-white picture I
have of them no I can’t
I can’t then what should I do and then
they say my sister said we have to meet
her again we have to ask mom to to come
to our home and and to see how she is
who she is and I will never forget that
moment she came up the stairs in Hill
home where the flowers grow tulips and
all that stuff and she entered the room
and we put our arms around her and I can
tell you one thing there’s nobody nobody
in the whole wide world who smells like
your mother that only takes 1000 of a
second to sense this is the person whom
I have grown out of in the world that’s
my mother and no matter how how much
hate you you you’ll have in yourself or
you have had in yourself that sense that
sensation makes you one love it makes
you want to be together again
for my father it didn’t change too much
it was angry that that we saw my mother
again and then all of a sudden about 30
years later my mother cat got the
diagnosis Alzheimer there was six or
seven years back
so I realized that we only had maybe a
half year of clearness in my mother’s
head left to see if we could end that
struggle between my father and mother
and since I’m a reporter I thought I’m
gonna interview them I’m gonna ask them
do you really want to die like this one
of them of you two will be in a cemetery
and the other one will be at the
entrance of the cemetery thinking
we should have met we should have talked
do you really want to die like that
you know and of course Shakespeare was
right when he said all is vanity you
know I’m the personification of that I
know it but they are worse so they
wanted to be interviewed on television
and they said yes and there I came with
director he’s Helen Mullins and I
interviewed him for hours and hours my
father told about the way he tried to
kill himself my sister and me by putting
the gas oven open in our house and then
one of the neighbors came and said Abe
young you want to drink a beer he put it
out again he says Frank that’s why
you’re sitting here making this
television documentary normally you
wouldn’t have been here anymore
me too and then the film ended with his
word I never want to see your mother
again
I’d rather die and that’s the end of the
movie that’s to say all of a sudden you
see one short sentence saying just a
week before this documentary was
broadcasted my father a mother met and
embraced each other because eight days
before it was broadcasted I thought my
father I said dad it’s the last time the
very last time in my life I asked you
are you sure you never want to see mom
again
and any side like his side at the
beginning of the movie and he said okay
just one time so we took her to Leigh
Leigh start you know lately start never
go there stay in my strict step it’s
gray
it will stay gray but that one evening a
Leigh Leigh stud everything was joyous
and shining because my mother came in my
father was standing in the center of the
room and he said before you say one word
I want to tell you something
I’ve never been so sad as when you left
and I’m probably never gonna be happy
again
since you’re here and they said in his
room hand-in-hand and they talked about
the 12 magnificent years they had had a
beautiful daughter that guy Frank is
also not too bad well pity about those
forty years of course in some little
dirt that should be removed and they
continued having a good relation the
last two years of my mother’s life okay
there were some struggles every now and
then I remember sitting on a table with
the four of us and then he made a
revolver of his hand and he took that to
my mother’s head and he said you know if
I had had the money in those days to buy
a gun I would have blown the brains out
of your head and my mother who was
really very far in this whole Alzheimer
thing she took his his finger very
softly and she said I understand young I
understand it must have been hard makes
it even nicer that we sit here
so she died two and a half years ago and
he was there with the red rose and I
think I have come to the understanding
that if you want to end a struggle with
any person in your life you have to ask
yourself what is my responsibility what
I’ve hired what have I done in this
conflict conflict well what is my part
and ever when you try to look at
yourself and you show it to the other
person the beautiful thing is that the
other person will be able to look at him
or herself too and he’ll she give it
back to you and maybe there’s a one and
only way out that that that you said
this dance that we have danced together
went in one or another direction also
because of me and I wrote down because
I’m a journalist and then sometimes you
have to write down being curious
reporters has to be curious being
curious makes you courageous when you
want to understand the other when you
one understand yourself you you can be
more courageous than Trump far more
courageous I don’t know if he’s a good
example of somebody who’s looking for
his own role in conflicts you know the
organization asked me to write down who
are you how do you want to change the
world I wrote on that I would like to
try and understand far harder how I
could treat somebody else the way I
would like to be treated myself and that
maybe it could be that I take my own
responsibility I wrote
the book and the title of the book is
among Dutch heroes all those famous e
interviewees I met you know politicians
authors architects whoever but the real
dutch horror heroes are my father and
mother because they freed themselves
from their head and from their
bitterness in which you marinate your
whole life and you become bitter you
become hateful by death and the other
whom you hate doesn’t feel that you feel
it and they freed themselves from it and
I hope that I will find that the same
courage to do that when I’m conflict
with any other person and of course I
sometimes mm and I hope you’ll find it
to be courageous be curious and for
yourself thank you very much
[Applause]
[Music]
dear Oh could I see the hands of people
who would say I have never been in
struggle with my lover my father or
mother my neighbor or my boss right I
would say that’s a North Korean result
we have consensus that the question how
we can solve our struggles our fights
maybe even our wars with other people is
probably one of the most difficult in
life how do we do this and I know how
hard it is I know it by experience
unfortunately I was 13 years old when my
parents divorced and when they started
for the senior 40 years of
non-communication
they didn’t exchange one word and that
was hard and that was really painful and
to be honest this is the first time in
my life that I tell this story in front
of an audience live you know I’m a
journalist I know that autocue I know
how it is to write an article at home
and to see the computer screen but I
have 1200 people alive and kicking in
front of me so this is not an easy task
and if I make a mistake please laughs so
now I can take a look at this paper I
can see what my next sentence might be
my father is 89 now and he sits on his
rural rowing machine two or three times
per day and he’s a funny guy he’s a
passionated guy he always says I’m
against women Frank I’m against women as
close as possible that kind of guy and
my mother who died about three years ago
was was a really warm and wise woman
and she was more more emotionally
introvert and she would say things like
we’re on the beach here Frank you see
this sand you know you can pick it up
you can try and take it home like this
you know if you want to have it you want
to hold it then you see the sand runs
away from your hand and that’s the same
with people you can also pick them up
and put it in your hand like that try
and take it home and the wind will blow
something out of it that you’ll come
home with much more don’t do this to
people because then you’ll do it to
yourself
she was that kind of a woman she would
also always say can you explain you you
know all Frank you know or you think you
know okay you explain to me why is a
woman allowed to love two three eight
twelve children but only one man why is
it why is it so in our culture in our
religion isn’t that strange
let me introduce you to my father and
mother this is the start of the
documentary I made about them and about
their divorce and there’s a decision
whether or not to see each other again
[Applause]
[Music]
okay
mama – yeah so now if start Anita now it
feels better about in vacant equipment
also helpful so if you are oh all that
honey of the hospital name he kept her
behind after reality and faith service
yeah and now the FinTech the envelope
exceeds the KY k and there who will tell
you about
just yeah then more thing sure thing fun
fun
my hot mommy that the single bridge of
sugar needles who could let all the air
around on a bet let the foundation for
over I know dr. Brennan more balcony i
man just push the doctor shooter yeah
belches Ohio Nukem 3d was here I also
picked out attendant guillotine evil
fulfill design this well you understand
that that blue stuff you know that was
my first article she left as I said when
I was 13 and she left because of her
love for another man my father was
called young and he was called John my
father was a truck driver who drove
inside Holland and she got another
enough attention from in him she she was
cold next to him and John it was an
international trucker who never came
home
that’s also quite a difference but but
it wasn’t easy for her to leave us I see
that you know since the years have
developed in-into de señor I see that
that must have been really a tough
decision for her to leave me my sister
Desiree and my father because she
honestly loved us and and she she fought
to to make a decision she ended up in a
mental hospital
using valium coming back home leaving
again using more of a liam and then in
the end she left and she divorced my
father divorced – of course and it was
then that I wrote my
first official article as a reporter I
was 14 I wrote a letter to the judge
together with my sister Desiree and we
said we never wanted to see my mother
again
never and the judge asked us to come to
him personally not in court and he gave
us a bottle of shoku Mel Shoko soft
drink and he was a it was a smart guy
and he sort of checked if we had written
that letter or my father had written
that letter and when he found out that
we had written the letter he he said
that we could stay with my father and I
didn’t see my mother for 10 long years
then really tough years my father
remarried she remarried she got two
beautiful daughters
Francois Z and Polina and my father
remarried remarried with a woman and she
gave him a son a half brother of mine
and of mine and his name was Ben oh and
the tragic thing was that Ben now was
killed in a car accident behind our home
by one of the cars of my father’s truck
company and his father brother was
driving that car so that gave my
father’s hate towards my mother and an
extra shot she had two bright young
daughters and and he had had an extra
son but that son got killed and so did
the years developed further Amin and
further on upon and them and my father’s
hate grew and and grew and grew and all
those years I was wondering how do we
end a fight how do we end a struggle how
do we end a war a family war you know I
was I was developing as an interviewer
as a reporter and and I saw parties had
struggles countries had struggles people
had struggles so how do you cope with it
how do you do that and how do you start
with it in your personal life and I
simply couldn’t couldn’t find a way out
and then I got married and that that’s
the best way to find out how struggle
works
yeah yeah it’s really a good way to find
out because I I noticed that when I
quarreled with linacre them maybe six
out of ten times I thought I was right
but she was so that gave me only four of
the ten times yeah do that do that women
are always more right than men because
they have more empathy in them isn’t it
true it is yeah
so I came to the conclusion if it’s like
that in my own marriage if it’s really
like that in my own marriage how was it
in my my fathers and mothers I mean can
I keep up this black-and-white picture I
have of them no I can’t
I can’t then what should I do and then
they say my sister said we have to meet
her again we have to ask mom to to come
to our home and and to see how she is
who she is and I will never forget that
moment she came up the stairs in Hill
home where the flowers grow tulips and
all that stuff and she entered the room
and we put our arms around her and I can
tell you one thing there’s nobody nobody
in the whole wide world who smells like
your mother that only takes 1000 of a
second to sense this is the person whom
I have grown out of in the world that’s
my mother and no matter how how much
hate you you you’ll have in yourself or
you have had in yourself that sense that
sensation makes you one love it makes
you want to be together again
for my father it didn’t change too much
it was angry that that we saw my mother
again and then all of a sudden about 30
years later my mother cat got the
diagnosis Alzheimer there was six or
seven years back
so I realized that we only had maybe a
half year of clearness in my mother’s
head left to see if we could end that
struggle between my father and mother
and since I’m a reporter I thought I’m
gonna interview them I’m gonna ask them
do you really want to die like this one
of them of you two will be in a cemetery
and the other one will be at the
entrance of the cemetery thinking
we should have met we should have talked
do you really want to die like that
you know and of course Shakespeare was
right when he said all is vanity you
know I’m the personification of that I
know it but they are worse so they
wanted to be interviewed on television
and they said yes and there I came with
director he’s Helen Mullins and I
interviewed him for hours and hours my
father told about the way he tried to
kill himself my sister and me by putting
the gas oven open in our house and then
one of the neighbors came and said Abe
young you want to drink a beer he put it
out again he says Frank that’s why
you’re sitting here making this
television documentary normally you
wouldn’t have been here anymore
me too and then the film ended with his
word I never want to see your mother
again
I’d rather die and that’s the end of the
movie that’s to say all of a sudden you
see one short sentence saying just a
week before this documentary was
broadcasted my father a mother met and
embraced each other because eight days
before it was broadcasted I thought my
father I said dad it’s the last time the
very last time in my life I asked you
are you sure you never want to see mom
again
and any side like his side at the
beginning of the movie and he said okay
just one time so we took her to Leigh
Leigh start you know lately start never
go there stay in my strict step it’s
gray
it will stay gray but that one evening a
Leigh Leigh stud everything was joyous
and shining because my mother came in my
father was standing in the center of the
room and he said before you say one word
I want to tell you something
I’ve never been so sad as when you left
and I’m probably never gonna be happy
again
since you’re here and they said in his
room hand-in-hand and they talked about
the 12 magnificent years they had had a
beautiful daughter that guy Frank is
also not too bad well pity about those
forty years of course in some little
dirt that should be removed and they
continued having a good relation the
last two years of my mother’s life okay
there were some struggles every now and
then I remember sitting on a table with
the four of us and then he made a
revolver of his hand and he took that to
my mother’s head and he said you know if
I had had the money in those days to buy
a gun I would have blown the brains out
of your head and my mother who was
really very far in this whole Alzheimer
thing she took his his finger very
softly and she said I understand young I
understand it must have been hard makes
it even nicer that we sit here
so she died two and a half years ago and
he was there with the red rose and I
think I have come to the understanding
that if you want to end a struggle with
any person in your life you have to ask
yourself what is my responsibility what
I’ve hired what have I done in this
conflict conflict well what is my part
and ever when you try to look at
yourself and you show it to the other
person the beautiful thing is that the
other person will be able to look at him
or herself too and he’ll she give it
back to you and maybe there’s a one and
only way out that that that you said
this dance that we have danced together
went in one or another direction also
because of me and I wrote down because
I’m a journalist and then sometimes you
have to write down being curious
reporters has to be curious being
curious makes you courageous when you
want to understand the other when you
one understand yourself you you can be
more courageous than Trump far more
courageous I don’t know if he’s a good
example of somebody who’s looking for
his own role in conflicts you know the
organization asked me to write down who
are you how do you want to change the
world I wrote on that I would like to
try and understand far harder how I
could treat somebody else the way I
would like to be treated myself and that
maybe it could be that I take my own
responsibility I wrote
the book and the title of the book is
among Dutch heroes all those famous e
interviewees I met you know politicians
authors architects whoever but the real
dutch horror heroes are my father and
mother because they freed themselves
from their head and from their
bitterness in which you marinate your
whole life and you become bitter you
become hateful by death and the other
whom you hate doesn’t feel that you feel
it and they freed themselves from it and
I hope that I will find that the same
courage to do that when I’m conflict
with any other person and of course I
sometimes mm and I hope you’ll find it
to be courageous be curious and for
yourself thank you very much
[Applause]
[Music]
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