[Applause]
have you ever felt like someone was
watching you listening in to your
intimate conversations in your living
room in your kitchen and even in your
car making you careful of every word you
say and even the facial expressions you
make that feeling that someone is
watching someone is listening relax I’m
not talking about the NSA I’m talking
about my two-year-old daughter Serena
she’s the one watching and listening to
everything we do and say you know one of
the things that parents cherish and
long-lasting memory is their child’s
first word
Serena’s first word was Xbox I guess we
do speak to it a lot Xbox pause Xbox
play xbox next episode and now that
she’s two years old she doesn’t just say
Xbox she says Xbox play doc McStuffins
her favorite show it’s amazing to see
how quickly her language is progressing
and early on my wife and I decided that
we wanted Serena to be bilingual see my
parents came to the United States from
Pakistan in the 1980s and they brought
over their language or do and so we
speak it between ourselves so that
Serena can learn it too and I guess
we’re 50% successful in that because she
says hot and Tunde which means cold
she says big and torta which means small
but aside from their language my parents
came over with a set of values that
defined their culture and ultimately
determined the expectations they set for
me their firstborn son if you know
anything about South Asian parents
there’s only three occupations that
exists in the world
dr. lawyer or engineer everything else
according to my dad is bitola Bazzi
which is basically the other word for BS
if it was up to my parents today I’d be
standing before you talking about
culture the cultivation of bacterial
tissue cells etc in an artificial medium
containing nutrients but after laboring
a way of biochem in physics for two
years right here at NIU repeating
classes being put on academic probation
I was finally dismissed
I was literally a college dropout you
know like Bill Gates and Steve Jobs but
who makes those comparisons right and
you know how there’s the left and right
side of the brain well I was being
forced to use the left side of my brain
the side that’s responsible for numbers
formulas logic but apparently I was more
in tune with things like recognizing
faces emotional intelligence and
creativity the stuff that I was told did
not matter and I was nervous
I knew that soon people would catch on
that I wasn’t a bio major anymore I
wasn’t studying for the MCAT or
preparing for med school and I was
worried as I sat across the dinner table
from my father physician for the past 20
years the smartest man in the universe
in my book and I tried to explain to him
that I had changed my major to family
consumer and nutrition sciences you know
dad I really want to study the signs of
marriage and Families child health and
nutrition and he stopped me right there
you think this is some sort of a science
what you’re describing sounds like Home
Economics
you’re going to college to become a
homemaker but what is a homemaker
someone who takes care of the home
raises the kids cooks I love to cook so
much so that I started my own YouTube
channel with all my cooking adventures
don’t look it up it’s very amateur and
unprofessional you know back in the day
when humans were hunters and gatherers
the men were expected to go out and hunt
and bring that meat and put it on the
table and the women were expected to
cook along with holding down the fort
and taking care of the kids and
essentially in the pre World War two
America cooking was seen as a woman’s
job nothing special just a means to an
end of being fed but after World War two
when the soldiers came back they sought
to put their newfound skills to work
they learned how to cook because they
were away from their families and for
the first time in American history
cooking classes were offered to men
before this were only offered to women
who sought to earn a meager living maybe
as a cook or a maid for a wealthy family
and it wasn’t until the men blessed the
cooking world that it actually turned
into a profession and even today day to
day cooking is seen as a woman’s job
nothing special but professional cooking
is dominated by men and is highly
respected but those men who decided to
pursue cooking as a profession and as a
career they pushed the limits of the
cultural expectations of masculinity at
that time and as a result inspired many
men to contribute to their families in
that manner and so as I was having this
conversation with my dad I knew that I
wasn’t living up to his expectations see
the expectation was that I would major
in a hard science go to med school
become a doctor save money buy a car and
a house
get married have 2.5 kids and retire at
the plump juicy pruning age of 75 all in
that order the American dream
but the only thing that I was dreaming
about was her you know the person I was
going to spend the rest of my life with
I had found the one and interestingly
enough
her parents were also South Asian
immigrants from India and I approached
her father and the most Bollywood ask
fashion and posed him the question may I
have your daughter’s hand in marriage
and he replied with a question of his
own with the most confused look on his
face what are you going to feed her you
know implying the cultural expectation
that you know the man is supposed to
provide the food the clothing the
shelter and even my friends when I
handed them the wedding invitation the
most common response that I got was wow
that sucks with a look of pity in their
eyes see on one side of my world the
expectation was that I would get a job
save money and then get married and in
the meantime in between time I shouldn’t
even look at girls don’t even think
about them let alone hook up but on the
other side of the world where I also
existed in my American culture the
expectation for a 21 year old guy like
me was to bounce around from Club to
club from bar to bar from girl to girl
but I wasn’t doing any of those things I
defied all cultural expectations
apparently there was no way of life
where you could join in holy matrimony
while being broke as a joke but had I
been a woman who decided to major in
family consumer nutrition sciences get
engaged at 19 and married at 21 nobody
would bat an eye it was because my
decisions and my choices were culturally
degrading to my
you’ll initi that’s why society had a
problem with it you see cultural
expectations put us into these shells
and boxes and only if we crack open
those shells and rip open those boxes do
we actually progress as a humanity yes
this concept is that big I’m talking
global impact folks you see the idea
that women should just stay at home
three or three to six kids operate their
kitchens at some sort of professional
restaurant or 24/7 IHOP the concept that
women shouldn’t be allowed to drive or
pursue an education this is all due to
cultural expectations cultural
expectations oftentimes limit us from
achieving our true potential and
fulfilling our purpose in life not only
that but they give rise to double
standards like in American culture if a
man were to have multiple partners in a
given time while he’s seen as living his
life his peers look up to him but if a
woman were to behave in the same exact
way well she’s seen as morally degrading
herself another widespread idea across
cultures is that men should be confident
and aggressive moreso than women and
this is accepted in the workplace in
public and at home even in the extreme
but what were to happen if we push the
limits of those cultural expectations
what if a woman were to be confident and
aggressive naturally in a positive way
how would that impact the individual how
would that impact society 1 if a woman
were to be naturally confident and
aggressive and in a positive way and
accepted as such then she would achieve
higher positions in society and earn
more for what they do and in essence she
would be able to better contribute to
their families and their communities
from a financial perspective and 2 if
men were not expected to be aggressive
or less
to overcompensate with false confidence
then we would see a dramatic decline in
domestic violence domestic violence
issues and other mental health concerns
now I’m now bashing on traditional
gender roles
if the cultural expectation provides you
structure then so be it and if that is
the route that you want to take then
that’s okay but many of us are limited
by these cultural expectations and in
essence we don’t get to fulfill our true
purpose in life the most in your face
change occurred when I decided to be a
stay-at-home dad I let go of my
three-year stretch and social services
and decided to put my MBA to use I
started an agency for speakers artists
and performers and since I was gonna be
working from home and my phone and on my
laptop I thought why not take care of my
18 month old daughter as well why send
her off to daycare this is what that
looked like
and I learned so much most invaluable
experience well my dad was probably
doing a facepalm like man this guy
actually became a homemaker
you know I split my time between my
business my daughter cooking cleaning
and it’s amazing it’s an amazing
experience she wakes up in the morning
all cranky looking like a little monster
then I clean her up and she gets so
excited as we decide what we’re gonna
eat for breakfast
boiling egg or pancakes with blueberries
or toast with peanut butter and I see
her advancing in her social skills every
time I take her to the library every
time I take her to the play playground
and you know it’s an emotional roller
coaster for me sometimes I’m so annoyed
I want to hide all her toys because they
make so many sounds toys with sounds
tonight can’t do them and other times
I’m so proud of her and she’s just this
magnificent beauty that I want to cry
and you know one of the other
expectations for men is that we
shouldn’t show emotions you know and
that’s not the expectation just for men
but for little boys for young boys you
know don’t cry like a little girl as if
that’s some sort of insult and man up
even those studies after studies show
that people who express their emotions
have better mental health whether it’s
journaling whether it’s blogging or
talking to a close friend letting out
those emotions is key and so cultural
expectations can not only just limit us
from achieving our true potential but
they can even cause harm culture is
meant to evolve and only if we push the
limits of those cultural expectations
can we help that culture evolve cultural
expectations are born of this idea that
there
is a mathematical formula formula to
life you know if you go to school you’ll
get a job if you comply with authorities
you won’t get a beating if you add salt
it’ll taste better but that’s not true
when we push the limits of cultural
expectations we see positive changes in
gender relations and family dynamics and
we find solutions to problems we didn’t
even know existed before thank you [Applause]
have you ever felt like someone was
watching you listening in to your
intimate conversations in your living
room in your kitchen and even in your
car making you careful of every word you
say and even the facial expressions you
make that feeling that someone is
watching someone is listening relax I’m
not talking about the NSA I’m talking
about my two-year-old daughter Serena
she’s the one watching and listening to
everything we do and say you know one of
the things that parents cherish and
long-lasting memory is their child’s
first word
Serena’s first word was Xbox I guess we
do speak to it a lot Xbox pause Xbox
play xbox next episode and now that
she’s two years old she doesn’t just say
Xbox she says Xbox play doc McStuffins
her favorite show it’s amazing to see
how quickly her language is progressing
and early on my wife and I decided that
we wanted Serena to be bilingual see my
parents came to the United States from
Pakistan in the 1980s and they brought
over their language or do and so we
speak it between ourselves so that
Serena can learn it too and I guess
we’re 50% successful in that because she
says hot and Tunde which means cold
she says big and torta which means small
but aside from their language my parents
came over with a set of values that
defined their culture and ultimately
determined the expectations they set for
me their firstborn son if you know
anything about South Asian parents
there’s only three occupations that
exists in the world
dr. lawyer or engineer everything else
according to my dad is bitola Bazzi
which is basically the other word for BS
if it was up to my parents today I’d be
standing before you talking about
culture the cultivation of bacterial
tissue cells etc in an artificial medium
containing nutrients but after laboring
a way of biochem in physics for two
years right here at NIU repeating
classes being put on academic probation
I was finally dismissed
I was literally a college dropout you
know like Bill Gates and Steve Jobs but
who makes those comparisons right and
you know how there’s the left and right
side of the brain well I was being
forced to use the left side of my brain
the side that’s responsible for numbers
formulas logic but apparently I was more
in tune with things like recognizing
faces emotional intelligence and
creativity the stuff that I was told did
not matter and I was nervous
I knew that soon people would catch on
that I wasn’t a bio major anymore I
wasn’t studying for the MCAT or
preparing for med school and I was
worried as I sat across the dinner table
from my father physician for the past 20
years the smartest man in the universe
in my book and I tried to explain to him
that I had changed my major to family
consumer and nutrition sciences you know
dad I really want to study the signs of
marriage and Families child health and
nutrition and he stopped me right there
you think this is some sort of a science
what you’re describing sounds like Home
Economics
you’re going to college to become a
homemaker but what is a homemaker
someone who takes care of the home
raises the kids cooks I love to cook so
much so that I started my own YouTube
channel with all my cooking adventures
don’t look it up it’s very amateur and
unprofessional you know back in the day
when humans were hunters and gatherers
the men were expected to go out and hunt
and bring that meat and put it on the
table and the women were expected to
cook along with holding down the fort
and taking care of the kids and
essentially in the pre World War two
America cooking was seen as a woman’s
job nothing special just a means to an
end of being fed but after World War two
when the soldiers came back they sought
to put their newfound skills to work
they learned how to cook because they
were away from their families and for
the first time in American history
cooking classes were offered to men
before this were only offered to women
who sought to earn a meager living maybe
as a cook or a maid for a wealthy family
and it wasn’t until the men blessed the
cooking world that it actually turned
into a profession and even today day to
day cooking is seen as a woman’s job
nothing special but professional cooking
is dominated by men and is highly
respected but those men who decided to
pursue cooking as a profession and as a
career they pushed the limits of the
cultural expectations of masculinity at
that time and as a result inspired many
men to contribute to their families in
that manner and so as I was having this
conversation with my dad I knew that I
wasn’t living up to his expectations see
the expectation was that I would major
in a hard science go to med school
become a doctor save money buy a car and
a house
get married have 2.5 kids and retire at
the plump juicy pruning age of 75 all in
that order the American dream
but the only thing that I was dreaming
about was her you know the person I was
going to spend the rest of my life with
I had found the one and interestingly
enough
her parents were also South Asian
immigrants from India and I approached
her father and the most Bollywood ask
fashion and posed him the question may I
have your daughter’s hand in marriage
and he replied with a question of his
own with the most confused look on his
face what are you going to feed her you
know implying the cultural expectation
that you know the man is supposed to
provide the food the clothing the
shelter and even my friends when I
handed them the wedding invitation the
most common response that I got was wow
that sucks with a look of pity in their
eyes see on one side of my world the
expectation was that I would get a job
save money and then get married and in
the meantime in between time I shouldn’t
even look at girls don’t even think
about them let alone hook up but on the
other side of the world where I also
existed in my American culture the
expectation for a 21 year old guy like
me was to bounce around from Club to
club from bar to bar from girl to girl
but I wasn’t doing any of those things I
defied all cultural expectations
apparently there was no way of life
where you could join in holy matrimony
while being broke as a joke but had I
been a woman who decided to major in
family consumer nutrition sciences get
engaged at 19 and married at 21 nobody
would bat an eye it was because my
decisions and my choices were culturally
degrading to my
you’ll initi that’s why society had a
problem with it you see cultural
expectations put us into these shells
and boxes and only if we crack open
those shells and rip open those boxes do
we actually progress as a humanity yes
this concept is that big I’m talking
global impact folks you see the idea
that women should just stay at home
three or three to six kids operate their
kitchens at some sort of professional
restaurant or 24/7 IHOP the concept that
women shouldn’t be allowed to drive or
pursue an education this is all due to
cultural expectations cultural
expectations oftentimes limit us from
achieving our true potential and
fulfilling our purpose in life not only
that but they give rise to double
standards like in American culture if a
man were to have multiple partners in a
given time while he’s seen as living his
life his peers look up to him but if a
woman were to behave in the same exact
way well she’s seen as morally degrading
herself another widespread idea across
cultures is that men should be confident
and aggressive moreso than women and
this is accepted in the workplace in
public and at home even in the extreme
but what were to happen if we push the
limits of those cultural expectations
what if a woman were to be confident and
aggressive naturally in a positive way
how would that impact the individual how
would that impact society 1 if a woman
were to be naturally confident and
aggressive and in a positive way and
accepted as such then she would achieve
higher positions in society and earn
more for what they do and in essence she
would be able to better contribute to
their families and their communities
from a financial perspective and 2 if
men were not expected to be aggressive
or less
to overcompensate with false confidence
then we would see a dramatic decline in
domestic violence domestic violence
issues and other mental health concerns
now I’m now bashing on traditional
gender roles
if the cultural expectation provides you
structure then so be it and if that is
the route that you want to take then
that’s okay but many of us are limited
by these cultural expectations and in
essence we don’t get to fulfill our true
purpose in life the most in your face
change occurred when I decided to be a
stay-at-home dad I let go of my
three-year stretch and social services
and decided to put my MBA to use I
started an agency for speakers artists
and performers and since I was gonna be
working from home and my phone and on my
laptop I thought why not take care of my
18 month old daughter as well why send
her off to daycare this is what that
looked like
and I learned so much most invaluable
experience well my dad was probably
doing a facepalm like man this guy
actually became a homemaker
you know I split my time between my
business my daughter cooking cleaning
and it’s amazing it’s an amazing
experience she wakes up in the morning
all cranky looking like a little monster
then I clean her up and she gets so
excited as we decide what we’re gonna
eat for breakfast
boiling egg or pancakes with blueberries
or toast with peanut butter and I see
her advancing in her social skills every
time I take her to the library every
time I take her to the play playground
and you know it’s an emotional roller
coaster for me sometimes I’m so annoyed
I want to hide all her toys because they
make so many sounds toys with sounds
tonight can’t do them and other times
I’m so proud of her and she’s just this
magnificent beauty that I want to cry
and you know one of the other
expectations for men is that we
shouldn’t show emotions you know and
that’s not the expectation just for men
but for little boys for young boys you
know don’t cry like a little girl as if
that’s some sort of insult and man up
even those studies after studies show
that people who express their emotions
have better mental health whether it’s
journaling whether it’s blogging or
talking to a close friend letting out
those emotions is key and so cultural
expectations can not only just limit us
from achieving our true potential but
they can even cause harm culture is
meant to evolve and only if we push the
limits of those cultural expectations
can we help that culture evolve cultural
expectations are born of this idea that
there
is a mathematical formula formula to
life you know if you go to school you’ll
get a job if you comply with authorities
you won’t get a beating if you add salt
it’ll taste better but that’s not true
when we push the limits of cultural
expectations we see positive changes in
gender relations and family dynamics and
we find solutions to problems we didn’t
even know existed before thank you [Applause]
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