[Music]
[Music] [Laughter]
9 out of 10 conversations missed the
9 out of 10 conversations missed the mark
mark
mark due to lack of trust and many of it
due to lack of trust and many of it
due to lack of trust and many of it comes from our childhood for me I’m the
comes from our childhood for me I’m the
comes from our childhood for me I’m the youngest child of five which meant I was
youngest child of five which meant I was
youngest child of five which meant I was ridiculed teased and made fun of by
ridiculed teased and made fun of by
ridiculed teased and made fun of by three older sisters and an older brother
three older sisters and an older brother
three older sisters and an older brother and my oldest sister’s try to mold him
and my oldest sister’s try to mold him
and my oldest sister’s try to mold him into a girl and he wasn’t having any of
into a girl and he wasn’t having any of
into a girl and he wasn’t having any of it so he gave all his testosterone
it so he gave all his testosterone
it so he gave all his testosterone energy to me like a punching bag I
energy to me like a punching bag I
energy to me like a punching bag I remember a time when he created a fake
remember a time when he created a fake
remember a time when he created a fake joke and told my sisters to laugh
joke and told my sisters to laugh
joke and told my sisters to laugh hysterically at this joke
hysterically at this joke
hysterically at this joke and naturally I felt like a fool when I
and naturally I felt like a fool when I
and naturally I felt like a fool when I didn’t understand it so I joined in
didn’t understand it so I joined in
didn’t understand it so I joined in laughing with them and you know they
laughing with them and you know they
laughing with them and you know they turned it around and started laughing at
turned it around and started laughing at
turned it around and started laughing at me telling me how dumb I am because the
me telling me how dumb I am because the
me telling me how dumb I am because the joke was fake it not funny I’m also a
joke was fake it not funny I’m also a
joke was fake it not funny I’m also a product of multi generations of strong
product of multi generations of strong
product of multi generations of strong independent women all the time broads
independent women all the time broads
independent women all the time broads Thank You Elizabeth and this meant a lot
Thank You Elizabeth and this meant a lot
Thank You Elizabeth and this meant a lot of telling yelling addicted to being
of telling yelling addicted to being
of telling yelling addicted to being right and talking past one another in
right and talking past one another in
right and talking past one another in our household but it also lacked that
our household but it also lacked that
our household but it also lacked that touchy-feely squeezed the air out of
touchy-feely squeezed the air out of
touchy-feely squeezed the air out of your lungs hugs into adulthood I had
your lungs hugs into adulthood I had
your lungs hugs into adulthood I had experienced many me two situations
experienced many me two situations
experienced many me two situations starting as young as 10 years old I
starting as young as 10 years old I
starting as young as 10 years old I think it would be fair to say you would
think it would be fair to say you would
think it would be fair to say you would agree with me that I acted consciously
agree with me that I acted consciously
agree with me that I acted consciously and unconsciously in a perpetual state
and unconsciously in a perpetual state
and unconsciously in a perpetual state of distrust and fear afraid to speak up
of distrust and fear afraid to speak up
of distrust and fear afraid to speak up fear judgment criticism not worthy not
fear judgment criticism not worthy not
fear judgment criticism not worthy not good enough not smart enough in spite of
good enough not smart enough in spite of
good enough not smart enough in spite of all that’s happened I actually grew up
all that’s happened I actually grew up
all that’s happened I actually grew up functional powerful because I broke
functional powerful because I broke
functional powerful because I broke several glass ceilings at a major Wall
several glass ceilings at a major Wall
several glass ceilings at a major Wall Street firm in my 20s but this
Street firm in my 20s but this
Street firm in my 20s but this isn’t a story about how I overcame my
isn’t a story about how I overcame my
isn’t a story about how I overcame my insecurities and my hang-ups to tell you
insecurities and my hang-ups to tell you
insecurities and my hang-ups to tell you how great my life is today I know I’ll
how great my life is today I know I’ll
how great my life is today I know I’ll leave that up to the masses this is a
leave that up to the masses this is a
leave that up to the masses this is a story about how words and conversations
story about how words and conversations
story about how words and conversations with others can bring out the worst in
with others can bring out the worst in
with others can bring out the worst in us you see when we have a bad experience
us you see when we have a bad experience
us you see when we have a bad experience it’s embedded in our memories and it
it’s embedded in our memories and it
it’s embedded in our memories and it takes a mere seven tenths of a second to
takes a mere seven tenths of a second to
takes a mere seven tenths of a second to feel threatened and get negatively
feel threatened and get negatively
feel threatened and get negatively triggered by the words and conversations
triggered by the words and conversations
triggered by the words and conversations with others one word can activate what
with others one word can activate what
with others one word can activate what neuroscience is call an amygdala hijack
neuroscience is call an amygdala hijack
neuroscience is call an amygdala hijack setting off our fight-or-flight attack
setting off our fight-or-flight attack
setting off our fight-or-flight attack mode
mode
mode increasing our cortisol and our stress
increasing our cortisol and our stress
increasing our cortisol and our stress and before you know it you are pushing
and before you know it you are pushing
and before you know it you are pushing back and shutting down the person that
back and shutting down the person that
back and shutting down the person that you’re talking with all because your
you’re talking with all because your
you’re talking with all because your brain says that this person is a phone
brain says that this person is a phone
brain says that this person is a phone but on the contrary words can trigger a
but on the contrary words can trigger a
but on the contrary words can trigger a part of the brain that is good and
part of the brain that is good and
part of the brain that is good and trusting and insightful and it could
trusting and insightful and it could
trusting and insightful and it could serve up a cocktail to the brain to feel
serve up a cocktail to the brain to feel
serve up a cocktail to the brain to feel good natural chemicals such as oxytocin
good natural chemicals such as oxytocin
good natural chemicals such as oxytocin and dopamine and serotonin
and dopamine and serotonin
and dopamine and serotonin all because your brain says you’re a
all because your brain says you’re a
all because your brain says you’re a friend not a phone when we trust well
friend not a phone when we trust well
friend not a phone when we trust well let me put that in practical terms first
let me put that in practical terms first
let me put that in practical terms first because bonds of trust generate
because bonds of trust generate
because bonds of trust generate conversational cocktails that change
conversational cocktails that change
conversational cocktails that change neural chemistry and trigger the trust
neural chemistry and trigger the trust
neural chemistry and trigger the trust network in us that brings out the best
network in us that brings out the best
network in us that brings out the best in us because when we trust we feel good
in us because when we trust we feel good
in us because when we trust we feel good we feel better but we’re more positive
we feel better but we’re more positive
we feel better but we’re more positive but more empowered to work out issues
but more empowered to work out issues
but more empowered to work out issues and challenges or get ourselves into new
and challenges or get ourselves into new
and challenges or get ourselves into new experiences or even connect with others
experiences or even connect with others
experiences or even connect with others in a way that many would call
in a way that many would call
in a way that many would call synchronicity so how do we build trust
synchronicity so how do we build trust
synchronicity so how do we build trust instantly in a conversation one way is
instantly in a conversation one way is
instantly in a conversation one way is by asking questions
by asking questions
by asking questions for which you have no answers get
for which you have no answers get
for which you have no answers get curious move from I centric all about me
curious move from I centric all about me
curious move from I centric all about me – we centric all about creating new
– we centric all about creating new
– we centric all about creating new possibilities because when we do that
possibilities because when we do that
possibilities because when we do that we’re in the mindset of discovery and
we’re in the mindset of discovery and
we’re in the mindset of discovery and others can feel that inquisitive nature
others can feel that inquisitive nature
others can feel that inquisitive nature and then they’re compelled to open up
and then they’re compelled to open up
and then they’re compelled to open up their hearts and their minds for mutual
their hearts and their minds for mutual
their hearts and their minds for mutual success say less of it’ll never work
success say less of it’ll never work
success say less of it’ll never work and say more of so where do you see your
and say more of so where do you see your
and say more of so where do you see your possibilities in a year from now I
possibilities in a year from now I
possibilities in a year from now I encourage you to show up in your
encourage you to show up in your
encourage you to show up in your conversations with others by exploring
conversations with others by exploring
conversations with others by exploring beyond what you know listen to connect
beyond what you know listen to connect
beyond what you know listen to connect not reject not judge man we do that
not reject not judge man we do that
not reject not judge man we do that enough on our own we are at TEDx Hoboken
enough on our own we are at TEDx Hoboken
enough on our own we are at TEDx Hoboken women today this is a best place to have
women today this is a best place to have
women today this is a best place to have great conversations so this is your
great conversations so this is your
great conversations so this is your practice ground today for conversational
practice ground today for conversational
practice ground today for conversational cocktails to have with one another I
cocktails to have with one another I
cocktails to have with one another I want you to increase your oxytocin
want you to increase your oxytocin
want you to increase your oxytocin believe out the cortisol and connect
believe out the cortisol and connect
believe out the cortisol and connect appreciate and discover the elements to
appreciate and discover the elements to
appreciate and discover the elements to elevating the quality of our
elevating the quality of our
elevating the quality of our conversations so raise your imaginary
conversations so raise your imaginary
conversations so raise your imaginary cocktail glass with me take a deep
cocktail glass with me take a deep
cocktail glass with me take a deep breath toast your neighbors and the
breath toast your neighbors and the
breath toast your neighbors and the people you know in your life and vow and
people you know in your life and vow and
people you know in your life and vow and make a vow to bring your conversations
make a vow to bring your conversations
make a vow to bring your conversations to the next level of greatness thank you
to the next level of greatness thank you
to the next level of greatness thank you [Music]
[Music] [Laughter]
9 out of 10 conversations missed the
9 out of 10 conversations missed the mark
mark
mark due to lack of trust and many of it
due to lack of trust and many of it
due to lack of trust and many of it comes from our childhood for me I’m the
comes from our childhood for me I’m the
comes from our childhood for me I’m the youngest child of five which meant I was
youngest child of five which meant I was
youngest child of five which meant I was ridiculed teased and made fun of by
ridiculed teased and made fun of by
ridiculed teased and made fun of by three older sisters and an older brother
three older sisters and an older brother
three older sisters and an older brother and my oldest sister’s try to mold him
and my oldest sister’s try to mold him
and my oldest sister’s try to mold him into a girl and he wasn’t having any of
into a girl and he wasn’t having any of
into a girl and he wasn’t having any of it so he gave all his testosterone
it so he gave all his testosterone
it so he gave all his testosterone energy to me like a punching bag I
energy to me like a punching bag I
energy to me like a punching bag I remember a time when he created a fake
remember a time when he created a fake
remember a time when he created a fake joke and told my sisters to laugh
joke and told my sisters to laugh
joke and told my sisters to laugh hysterically at this joke
hysterically at this joke
hysterically at this joke and naturally I felt like a fool when I
and naturally I felt like a fool when I
and naturally I felt like a fool when I didn’t understand it so I joined in
didn’t understand it so I joined in
didn’t understand it so I joined in laughing with them and you know they
laughing with them and you know they
laughing with them and you know they turned it around and started laughing at
turned it around and started laughing at
turned it around and started laughing at me telling me how dumb I am because the
me telling me how dumb I am because the
me telling me how dumb I am because the joke was fake it not funny I’m also a
joke was fake it not funny I’m also a
joke was fake it not funny I’m also a product of multi generations of strong
product of multi generations of strong
product of multi generations of strong independent women all the time broads
independent women all the time broads
independent women all the time broads Thank You Elizabeth and this meant a lot
Thank You Elizabeth and this meant a lot
Thank You Elizabeth and this meant a lot of telling yelling addicted to being
of telling yelling addicted to being
of telling yelling addicted to being right and talking past one another in
right and talking past one another in
right and talking past one another in our household but it also lacked that
our household but it also lacked that
our household but it also lacked that touchy-feely squeezed the air out of
touchy-feely squeezed the air out of
touchy-feely squeezed the air out of your lungs hugs into adulthood I had
your lungs hugs into adulthood I had
your lungs hugs into adulthood I had experienced many me two situations
experienced many me two situations
experienced many me two situations starting as young as 10 years old I
starting as young as 10 years old I
starting as young as 10 years old I think it would be fair to say you would
think it would be fair to say you would
think it would be fair to say you would agree with me that I acted consciously
agree with me that I acted consciously
agree with me that I acted consciously and unconsciously in a perpetual state
and unconsciously in a perpetual state
and unconsciously in a perpetual state of distrust and fear afraid to speak up
of distrust and fear afraid to speak up
of distrust and fear afraid to speak up fear judgment criticism not worthy not
fear judgment criticism not worthy not
fear judgment criticism not worthy not good enough not smart enough in spite of
good enough not smart enough in spite of
good enough not smart enough in spite of all that’s happened I actually grew up
all that’s happened I actually grew up
all that’s happened I actually grew up functional powerful because I broke
functional powerful because I broke
functional powerful because I broke several glass ceilings at a major Wall
several glass ceilings at a major Wall
several glass ceilings at a major Wall Street firm in my 20s but this
Street firm in my 20s but this
Street firm in my 20s but this isn’t a story about how I overcame my
isn’t a story about how I overcame my
isn’t a story about how I overcame my insecurities and my hang-ups to tell you
insecurities and my hang-ups to tell you
insecurities and my hang-ups to tell you how great my life is today I know I’ll
how great my life is today I know I’ll
how great my life is today I know I’ll leave that up to the masses this is a
leave that up to the masses this is a
leave that up to the masses this is a story about how words and conversations
story about how words and conversations
story about how words and conversations with others can bring out the worst in
with others can bring out the worst in
with others can bring out the worst in us you see when we have a bad experience
us you see when we have a bad experience
us you see when we have a bad experience it’s embedded in our memories and it
it’s embedded in our memories and it
it’s embedded in our memories and it takes a mere seven tenths of a second to
takes a mere seven tenths of a second to
takes a mere seven tenths of a second to feel threatened and get negatively
feel threatened and get negatively
feel threatened and get negatively triggered by the words and conversations
triggered by the words and conversations
triggered by the words and conversations with others one word can activate what
with others one word can activate what
with others one word can activate what neuroscience is call an amygdala hijack
neuroscience is call an amygdala hijack
neuroscience is call an amygdala hijack setting off our fight-or-flight attack
setting off our fight-or-flight attack
setting off our fight-or-flight attack mode
mode
mode increasing our cortisol and our stress
increasing our cortisol and our stress
increasing our cortisol and our stress and before you know it you are pushing
and before you know it you are pushing
and before you know it you are pushing back and shutting down the person that
back and shutting down the person that
back and shutting down the person that you’re talking with all because your
you’re talking with all because your
you’re talking with all because your brain says that this person is a phone
brain says that this person is a phone
brain says that this person is a phone but on the contrary words can trigger a
but on the contrary words can trigger a
but on the contrary words can trigger a part of the brain that is good and
part of the brain that is good and
part of the brain that is good and trusting and insightful and it could
trusting and insightful and it could
trusting and insightful and it could serve up a cocktail to the brain to feel
serve up a cocktail to the brain to feel
serve up a cocktail to the brain to feel good natural chemicals such as oxytocin
good natural chemicals such as oxytocin
good natural chemicals such as oxytocin and dopamine and serotonin
and dopamine and serotonin
and dopamine and serotonin all because your brain says you’re a
all because your brain says you’re a
all because your brain says you’re a friend not a phone when we trust well
friend not a phone when we trust well
friend not a phone when we trust well let me put that in practical terms first
let me put that in practical terms first
let me put that in practical terms first because bonds of trust generate
because bonds of trust generate
because bonds of trust generate conversational cocktails that change
conversational cocktails that change
conversational cocktails that change neural chemistry and trigger the trust
neural chemistry and trigger the trust
neural chemistry and trigger the trust network in us that brings out the best
network in us that brings out the best
network in us that brings out the best in us because when we trust we feel good
in us because when we trust we feel good
in us because when we trust we feel good we feel better but we’re more positive
we feel better but we’re more positive
we feel better but we’re more positive but more empowered to work out issues
but more empowered to work out issues
but more empowered to work out issues and challenges or get ourselves into new
and challenges or get ourselves into new
and challenges or get ourselves into new experiences or even connect with others
experiences or even connect with others
experiences or even connect with others in a way that many would call
in a way that many would call
in a way that many would call synchronicity so how do we build trust
synchronicity so how do we build trust
synchronicity so how do we build trust instantly in a conversation one way is
instantly in a conversation one way is
instantly in a conversation one way is by asking questions
by asking questions
by asking questions for which you have no answers get
for which you have no answers get
for which you have no answers get curious move from I centric all about me
curious move from I centric all about me
curious move from I centric all about me – we centric all about creating new
– we centric all about creating new
– we centric all about creating new possibilities because when we do that
possibilities because when we do that
possibilities because when we do that we’re in the mindset of discovery and
we’re in the mindset of discovery and
we’re in the mindset of discovery and others can feel that inquisitive nature
others can feel that inquisitive nature
others can feel that inquisitive nature and then they’re compelled to open up
and then they’re compelled to open up
and then they’re compelled to open up their hearts and their minds for mutual
their hearts and their minds for mutual
their hearts and their minds for mutual success say less of it’ll never work
success say less of it’ll never work
success say less of it’ll never work and say more of so where do you see your
and say more of so where do you see your
and say more of so where do you see your possibilities in a year from now I
possibilities in a year from now I
possibilities in a year from now I encourage you to show up in your
encourage you to show up in your
encourage you to show up in your conversations with others by exploring
conversations with others by exploring
conversations with others by exploring beyond what you know listen to connect
beyond what you know listen to connect
beyond what you know listen to connect not reject not judge man we do that
not reject not judge man we do that
not reject not judge man we do that enough on our own we are at TEDx Hoboken
enough on our own we are at TEDx Hoboken
enough on our own we are at TEDx Hoboken women today this is a best place to have
women today this is a best place to have
women today this is a best place to have great conversations so this is your
great conversations so this is your
great conversations so this is your practice ground today for conversational
practice ground today for conversational
practice ground today for conversational cocktails to have with one another I
cocktails to have with one another I
cocktails to have with one another I want you to increase your oxytocin
want you to increase your oxytocin
want you to increase your oxytocin believe out the cortisol and connect
believe out the cortisol and connect
believe out the cortisol and connect appreciate and discover the elements to
appreciate and discover the elements to
appreciate and discover the elements to elevating the quality of our
elevating the quality of our
elevating the quality of our conversations so raise your imaginary
conversations so raise your imaginary
conversations so raise your imaginary cocktail glass with me take a deep
cocktail glass with me take a deep
cocktail glass with me take a deep breath toast your neighbors and the
breath toast your neighbors and the
breath toast your neighbors and the people you know in your life and vow and
people you know in your life and vow and
people you know in your life and vow and make a vow to bring your conversations
make a vow to bring your conversations
make a vow to bring your conversations to the next level of greatness thank you
to the next level of greatness thank you
to the next level of greatness thank you [Music]
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