I first met ray in the hospital about a
week before his surgery he was 75 years
old but he seemed to be a really great
shape fact he said he played competitive
tennis at least three times a week he
told me that being able to be physically
active was one of the most important
things in his life well he came through
the surgery fine but about three days
post-op he developed a rare and a deadly
lung infection
so the medical team called his family
together to talk about the situation
they told him that Ray’s lungs had been
so compromised a lot of the damage was
irreversible then he needed to be put on
a ventilator in order to help him
breathe they said they’d surgery the
only way that they could stop the
infection so a son asked so what does
that mean he said well the surgery’s
successful and we can stop the infection
he should be fine well the family were
ecstatic they thought that hey this is
great he’s gonna be back to normal and
they’re about ready to agree to the
surgery but thinking about what the
doctor said about the damage to as long
as I asked him I said so if he gets
through this infection is he gonna be
able to come off the ventilator look so
no he’ll always be on the vent
I mean he’ll be fine he’ll be able to
live a lot longer he’ll even be able to
sit up with a patient’s family I mean
they were in shock for them when they
said he’d be fine they forgot everything
else that the doctors had said about his
condition all they heard was fine and
the doctors on the other hand having
told the family about the condition of
his lungs will assume that they knew
that he had always be on a ventilator
this is because the situations like this
that I care so much about effective
communication for without at patients
often make critical decisions based on
assumptions and often these assumptions
are based on things that they want to
hear not things that have been told to
them and all too often these assumptions
prove to be wrong
in fact the journey that brought me here
today in fact was the results of my not
hearing what was being said my daughter
was a junior in high school she
expressed interest in going to Hawaii
for college she actually even went there
for six weeks that summer as an intern
and loved the experience and so as a
senior she actually got scholarship
offers from University of Hawaii and
Hawaii Pacific University
among other schools on the mainland it
was then that she started voicing some
concerns about actually being in Hawaii
and so we were talking one night and the
conversation kind of went like this she
said you know I really like being in
Hawaii last summer I loved being at the
beach you know I think I really loved
the University of Hawaii but I mean it’s
just too far away from my family and my
friends and then as we were talking on
about some other issues she just said
well you know if you got a job in Hawaii
would you move there well I grew up in
Hawaii and I had talked about that
before and so this is what I heard I
heard her say you know I really love
being in Hawaii last summer and I really
want to go to school at University of
Hawaii there’s so far away from everyone
but if you got a job here that’d be
great
well I actually got a job offer and now
in Memorial Hospital I went there to
interview in May and they gave me the
job so I called Corrine right away
thinking she can be on she’ll be
thrilled so I got on the phone I said
hey I got the job
now you can come to school or whyyy
silence like oh hey isn’t that great now
you can come to why more silence I said
what she said well I kind of decided to
so we we talked about her going to
Arizona State and all the benefits for
her going there and it was actually a
better situation for and so making one
last stab at it I ended the conversation
by saying just know you’re going to the
desert and I’m in paradise
well I found myself working in Hawaii in
part because I didn’t listen to what she
was telling me I only heard what I
wanted to hear but when I was there I
got to work with oncology patients for
the first time actually spent about four
or five hours a day working with
patients undergoing chemotherapy and I
realized right away that the family
members and loved ones were experiencing
as much if not greater amounts of stress
in the patient’s themselves in fact I
spent between 25 and 30 percent of my
time talking to a family member either
because the patient wanted me to or they
needed some help now working with cancer
patients I got to be proactive for the
first time because Hospital chaplaincy
is by its very nature reactionary we’re
called upon to help people in crisis the
problem is when you’re working with
people in crisis then two things can
happen it can bring families together
but I’ve also seen to tear families
apart and one of the reasons for that
negative reactions is because in a
crisis situation we’re just so
emotionally charged and I found it the
more we have invested emotionally in a
person or situations the faster that
logic seems to leave the building we
don’t listen to what people are saying
we’re just concerned about us being
right and what we need they have
accomplished they’re now working with
oncology patients I thought well how can
I help people before they get to that
I situation I’m meeting these people at
the beginning of their journey and what
can we do to maybe mitigate what’s going
to happen in the future so when I came
back to their mainland I started a
volunteer chaplaincy a valley medical
oncologist in Pleasanton and I developed
a patient family survey to help families
better communicate what they’re going
through it was an assessment that find
out where they were emotionally and
spiritually and how they were together
if they were connecting or not and I
think the greatest tool though the
greatest benefits of this survey is is
that it starts the conversation it helps
people to to communicate their thoughts
and their feelings and be able to share
at the beginning of their journeys that
helps them connect Jeff and Karen’s
story really epitomizes the value of
this survey and what it does
Jeff was referred to me by a mutual
friend knowing that I worked with cancer
patients he told me that Jeff’s wife was
undergoing treatment for cancer and that
he was having some problems so I met
with Jeff and told me the Karen was
undergoing chemotherapy for stage 3
breast cancer not a good day
not a good diagnosis he said that
they’ve been married for over 30 years
they were both in their 50s they had
three children were grown and out of the
house and Karen had always been able to
be a stay-at-home mom and so he said he
wanted to let her know how much he loved
her and cared about her so when she
started treatments he said I’m gonna do
all the cooking the cleaning and
shopping I just want you to be able to
rest you know and concentrate on getting
better he said but during that month she
seemed to became more and more with
he couldn’t figure it out why he was
doing everything he could fer
so I talked to him about the survey and
I said the questions in the survey maybe
could help start a conversation maybe
you can find out what it is that is
going on with her emotionally and
spiritually and maybe it was shed some
light on why she seemed to be growing
more and more apart from you so he
agreed well I talked to Jeff about three
or four weeks later he called and asked
to see me and we got together and
counted their conversation and so one of
the questions on the survey is how do
you want to be treated and so he asked
her he said how do you want to be
treated she said well I wish you would
have asked me that to begin with instead
of telling me what you were gonna do for
me my identity my role in our marriage
has been to take care of the home and
the family and I love doing that it
gives me a sense of purpose and a sense
of value but when you told me that you
were going to do all those things for me
you robbed me of my identity plus I had
more time to think about my cancer and
what I might experience going forward so
it changed everything for him because he
was aware for the first time that things
that he thought were the most important
really weren’t but then one of the
questions is to is what is your greatest
fear and so he asked her he said you
know my greatest fear is that you’ll die
so I’m sure that’s your greatest fear
too but she surprised him by saying no
my greatest fear isn’t dying my greatest
fear is that I might be a burden to you
and the children and he was able to turn
that around and help her by saying so
what if I had cancer she said what do
you mean he said well what if I had
cancer and I got really sick would I be
a burden to you she said oh of course
not you’d never be a burden to me so he
just looked at her and said so then she
but what if they never have that
conversation what ifs Jeff sensing
Karen’s growing distance starts the
things she doesn’t appreciate him at all
and then what he’s doing for wood
started as an act of love becomes just
another chore as the distance widens
maybe becomes a burden and Karen on the
other hand having already lost her
identity and assuming by his actions
that Jeff doesn’t care about what her
wants and needs are he’s not addressing
them and then she senses the change in
his attitude as he’s doing her things
begins to resent him thinking he doesn’t
perhaps her relationship gets so far
apart so strained that hits a breaking
point I’ve talked to people after
they’ve undergone chemotherapy who said
that they’ve got divorced not that their
marriage was bad before their treatment
it was during that time that they just
couldn’t communicate the end of our
conversation Jeff told me that him and
Karen were closer now than they’ve been
in years but it’s because they were
talking about their real feelings they
were open and they were asking I’ve
learned two things working with oncology
patients but one is to appreciate life
because my patients they appreciate life
every day that they feel goods a good
day
and it isn’t things that we have it’s
the relationships we have that make life
worth living
effective communication is the key to
any relationship and having the
intentional conversations leads to
effective communication now I was going
we learned that face-to-face
communication is only sub percent verbal
but it’s 55 percent inflection 38
percent body language so to be able to
have an intentional conversation we need
to listen intentionally not just to what
we hear that how those words are spoken
we need to listen actively that means we
need to watch the other person be aware
be in tune look for the body language
but also ask questions because when we
ask questions we make sure that we are
understanding what the other person is
saying and when we are talking if we ask
questions about that we know that we are
being understood and when we ask
questions we let the other person we’re
talking to know they’re being heard it
validates who they are and what they’re
saying and most importantly that makes
them feel important it’s by doing this
that we can really be in tune with one
another to get to know one another to
connect with one another and so the
strength and the bonds of our
relationships so I’d like to leave you
with with this my cancer patients want
to mean leave it with this as well don’t
take life for granted don’t take those
you love and care about for granted
embrace every day and embrace those you
love let them know how you feel listen
ask questions be present thank you
you [Applause]
week before his surgery he was 75 years
old but he seemed to be a really great
shape fact he said he played competitive
tennis at least three times a week he
told me that being able to be physically
active was one of the most important
things in his life well he came through
the surgery fine but about three days
post-op he developed a rare and a deadly
lung infection
so the medical team called his family
together to talk about the situation
they told him that Ray’s lungs had been
so compromised a lot of the damage was
irreversible then he needed to be put on
a ventilator in order to help him
breathe they said they’d surgery the
only way that they could stop the
infection so a son asked so what does
that mean he said well the surgery’s
successful and we can stop the infection
he should be fine well the family were
ecstatic they thought that hey this is
great he’s gonna be back to normal and
they’re about ready to agree to the
surgery but thinking about what the
doctor said about the damage to as long
as I asked him I said so if he gets
through this infection is he gonna be
able to come off the ventilator look so
no he’ll always be on the vent
I mean he’ll be fine he’ll be able to
live a lot longer he’ll even be able to
sit up with a patient’s family I mean
they were in shock for them when they
said he’d be fine they forgot everything
else that the doctors had said about his
condition all they heard was fine and
the doctors on the other hand having
told the family about the condition of
his lungs will assume that they knew
that he had always be on a ventilator
this is because the situations like this
that I care so much about effective
communication for without at patients
often make critical decisions based on
assumptions and often these assumptions
are based on things that they want to
hear not things that have been told to
them and all too often these assumptions
prove to be wrong
in fact the journey that brought me here
today in fact was the results of my not
hearing what was being said my daughter
was a junior in high school she
expressed interest in going to Hawaii
for college she actually even went there
for six weeks that summer as an intern
and loved the experience and so as a
senior she actually got scholarship
offers from University of Hawaii and
Hawaii Pacific University
among other schools on the mainland it
was then that she started voicing some
concerns about actually being in Hawaii
and so we were talking one night and the
conversation kind of went like this she
said you know I really like being in
Hawaii last summer I loved being at the
beach you know I think I really loved
the University of Hawaii but I mean it’s
just too far away from my family and my
friends and then as we were talking on
about some other issues she just said
well you know if you got a job in Hawaii
would you move there well I grew up in
Hawaii and I had talked about that
before and so this is what I heard I
heard her say you know I really love
being in Hawaii last summer and I really
want to go to school at University of
Hawaii there’s so far away from everyone
but if you got a job here that’d be
great
well I actually got a job offer and now
in Memorial Hospital I went there to
interview in May and they gave me the
job so I called Corrine right away
thinking she can be on she’ll be
thrilled so I got on the phone I said
hey I got the job
now you can come to school or whyyy
silence like oh hey isn’t that great now
you can come to why more silence I said
what she said well I kind of decided to
so we we talked about her going to
Arizona State and all the benefits for
her going there and it was actually a
better situation for and so making one
last stab at it I ended the conversation
by saying just know you’re going to the
desert and I’m in paradise
well I found myself working in Hawaii in
part because I didn’t listen to what she
was telling me I only heard what I
wanted to hear but when I was there I
got to work with oncology patients for
the first time actually spent about four
or five hours a day working with
patients undergoing chemotherapy and I
realized right away that the family
members and loved ones were experiencing
as much if not greater amounts of stress
in the patient’s themselves in fact I
spent between 25 and 30 percent of my
time talking to a family member either
because the patient wanted me to or they
needed some help now working with cancer
patients I got to be proactive for the
first time because Hospital chaplaincy
is by its very nature reactionary we’re
called upon to help people in crisis the
problem is when you’re working with
people in crisis then two things can
happen it can bring families together
but I’ve also seen to tear families
apart and one of the reasons for that
negative reactions is because in a
crisis situation we’re just so
emotionally charged and I found it the
more we have invested emotionally in a
person or situations the faster that
logic seems to leave the building we
don’t listen to what people are saying
we’re just concerned about us being
right and what we need they have
accomplished they’re now working with
oncology patients I thought well how can
I help people before they get to that
I situation I’m meeting these people at
the beginning of their journey and what
can we do to maybe mitigate what’s going
to happen in the future so when I came
back to their mainland I started a
volunteer chaplaincy a valley medical
oncologist in Pleasanton and I developed
a patient family survey to help families
better communicate what they’re going
through it was an assessment that find
out where they were emotionally and
spiritually and how they were together
if they were connecting or not and I
think the greatest tool though the
greatest benefits of this survey is is
that it starts the conversation it helps
people to to communicate their thoughts
and their feelings and be able to share
at the beginning of their journeys that
helps them connect Jeff and Karen’s
story really epitomizes the value of
this survey and what it does
Jeff was referred to me by a mutual
friend knowing that I worked with cancer
patients he told me that Jeff’s wife was
undergoing treatment for cancer and that
he was having some problems so I met
with Jeff and told me the Karen was
undergoing chemotherapy for stage 3
breast cancer not a good day
not a good diagnosis he said that
they’ve been married for over 30 years
they were both in their 50s they had
three children were grown and out of the
house and Karen had always been able to
be a stay-at-home mom and so he said he
wanted to let her know how much he loved
her and cared about her so when she
started treatments he said I’m gonna do
all the cooking the cleaning and
shopping I just want you to be able to
rest you know and concentrate on getting
better he said but during that month she
seemed to became more and more with
he couldn’t figure it out why he was
doing everything he could fer
so I talked to him about the survey and
I said the questions in the survey maybe
could help start a conversation maybe
you can find out what it is that is
going on with her emotionally and
spiritually and maybe it was shed some
light on why she seemed to be growing
more and more apart from you so he
agreed well I talked to Jeff about three
or four weeks later he called and asked
to see me and we got together and
counted their conversation and so one of
the questions on the survey is how do
you want to be treated and so he asked
her he said how do you want to be
treated she said well I wish you would
have asked me that to begin with instead
of telling me what you were gonna do for
me my identity my role in our marriage
has been to take care of the home and
the family and I love doing that it
gives me a sense of purpose and a sense
of value but when you told me that you
were going to do all those things for me
you robbed me of my identity plus I had
more time to think about my cancer and
what I might experience going forward so
it changed everything for him because he
was aware for the first time that things
that he thought were the most important
really weren’t but then one of the
questions is to is what is your greatest
fear and so he asked her he said you
know my greatest fear is that you’ll die
so I’m sure that’s your greatest fear
too but she surprised him by saying no
my greatest fear isn’t dying my greatest
fear is that I might be a burden to you
and the children and he was able to turn
that around and help her by saying so
what if I had cancer she said what do
you mean he said well what if I had
cancer and I got really sick would I be
a burden to you she said oh of course
not you’d never be a burden to me so he
just looked at her and said so then she
but what if they never have that
conversation what ifs Jeff sensing
Karen’s growing distance starts the
things she doesn’t appreciate him at all
and then what he’s doing for wood
started as an act of love becomes just
another chore as the distance widens
maybe becomes a burden and Karen on the
other hand having already lost her
identity and assuming by his actions
that Jeff doesn’t care about what her
wants and needs are he’s not addressing
them and then she senses the change in
his attitude as he’s doing her things
begins to resent him thinking he doesn’t
perhaps her relationship gets so far
apart so strained that hits a breaking
point I’ve talked to people after
they’ve undergone chemotherapy who said
that they’ve got divorced not that their
marriage was bad before their treatment
it was during that time that they just
couldn’t communicate the end of our
conversation Jeff told me that him and
Karen were closer now than they’ve been
in years but it’s because they were
talking about their real feelings they
were open and they were asking I’ve
learned two things working with oncology
patients but one is to appreciate life
because my patients they appreciate life
every day that they feel goods a good
day
and it isn’t things that we have it’s
the relationships we have that make life
worth living
effective communication is the key to
any relationship and having the
intentional conversations leads to
effective communication now I was going
we learned that face-to-face
communication is only sub percent verbal
but it’s 55 percent inflection 38
percent body language so to be able to
have an intentional conversation we need
to listen intentionally not just to what
we hear that how those words are spoken
we need to listen actively that means we
need to watch the other person be aware
be in tune look for the body language
but also ask questions because when we
ask questions we make sure that we are
understanding what the other person is
saying and when we are talking if we ask
questions about that we know that we are
being understood and when we ask
questions we let the other person we’re
talking to know they’re being heard it
validates who they are and what they’re
saying and most importantly that makes
them feel important it’s by doing this
that we can really be in tune with one
another to get to know one another to
connect with one another and so the
strength and the bonds of our
relationships so I’d like to leave you
with with this my cancer patients want
to mean leave it with this as well don’t
take life for granted don’t take those
you love and care about for granted
embrace every day and embrace those you
love let them know how you feel listen
ask questions be present thank you
you [Applause]
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