became homeless when I said no when I
one day I danced at an open mic you
laughed and that made me laugh I don’t
think you remember that day but I do one
day I felt okay one day I didn’t one day
I’ve got a really lame riddle for you
and if you solve it before the end of
this taco buy your coffee or something
I’m a second year undergraduate at RIT
I’m creating my own major out of music
film writing video game design and
software engineering I’m the lead
drummer for the RIT jazz ensemble I
produce music as Altona Meadows and
release it under my own record label the
Reading Room I have major depressive
disorder
I’ve got metal in my left ankle I think
a small black coffee with 40 milligrams
of vibrate every day I get drunk at
parties and smoke a cigarette every
other day I have sex with girls without
learning their last names I keep a
snapchat streak with my brother and I
wear my watch backwards because I think
I look dope so who am i I’ve been
struggling with this question for years
and that’s not something I say lightly
because I hate the word struggle that’s
too many G’s in it it rhymes with puddle
it reminds me of strudel and I hate
strudel I often hear the statement I
struggle with depression but I honestly
don’t know what that means I can tell
you what my experience with depression
has been like some days I skip all my
classes because the blanket around me
won’t shut up about my fears my
responsibilities some days I skip lunch
because my stomach keeps calling me fat
some days I cry when no one’s looking
again I’m afraid that nobody’s looking
at me but other days I write a song and
guitar about tinder or God or both
[Music]
some days I hug my mom and I feel
something some days I say a knock-knock
joke that makes a friend die of laughter
so that’s me I don’t think that’s
struggling I think it’s existing I think
it’s living like like owning a puppy or
cat or webkinz I started therapy it’s
about five years ago I remember crying
in the backseat of my mom’s car because
I couldn’t even drive at the time she
was going on about my grades a b-minus
in English would be plus in math and I
looked around and I realized I didn’t
have anybody to turn to I was bullied in
school and didn’t have many friends I
was too shy to approach any adults or
teachers my parents looked at me as more
of a report card than a person so with a
high-pitched whistles I whispered I want
to try therapy I met with a woman named
dr. Vanessa for a few years we spoke
about everything love loss expectations
meditation college applications all of
that therapist came and went from
Vanessa to Berger to Cathleen to Lachlan
I never learned any of their full names
and I don’t think they remember mine I
was put on Prozac to help my mind and
cymbalta to help the side effects then
hydroxyzine to help my insomnia then
clonazepam because I dropped the scene
sounds stupid and swapped a vibrant and
the crazy thing is that I think I’m
forgetting some of those two medication
helped I became more confident and told
more abrasive jokes
I watched my Ryan Gosling movies but
there were some downsides some days I
feel or I felt as if I was acting
without realizing it as if the card
switched to cruise control I vomited a
lot and I couldn’t eat solid foods for a
little while and once I started eating I
ate an eighth and put on about 50 pounds
in the span of a year
I grew three waist sizes I had sexual
dysfunction before I even lost my
virginity when you have depression as if
your mind doesn’t believe what it sees
around you and that’s terrifying because
it begs the question what about your
memories for me I remember lots of highs
and lows
I remember my father spitting as he
chased me around the kitchen table his
face stuck with shame dread disgust in
his hand up I remember that same man
trying to get my family to move closer
and closer together priming the nikon
camera down from five four three two one
he always looks really funny when he
runs I remember holding hands with my
ex-girlfriend at the local movie
theaters throwing popcorn at Daniel
Radcliffe her head getting closer and
I remember that same girl calling me
from a bus bragging about how she
cheated on me with another man and i was
dick felt different from mine wish so
College came around I was a mess to say
the least
I cried in my top bunk bed a lot I
called my mom way too many times that
adjustment there’s a lot and it heavily
affected me I found myself at random
parties being handed random drinks
talking to random strangers just looking
for anybody that would listen to me one
thing that helped me during this time
was creating I started carrying a little
journal around in my pocket scribbling
little insights like poems about Melania
Trump for all sorts of crazy dumb things
I picked up a guitar and taught myself a
few chords I even started performing at
open mics playing my own songs singing a
little too I think that’s crazy is that
I actually snuck into the RIT music room
at 4 a.m. multiple times just moving
keyboards and viber phones and drums
around and just playing this was how I
escaped connecting with other artists
and storytellers grew passionate and
while skipping my class one day to eat
earlier I found a flyer for the school
of individualized studies here at RIT
people who I drafted some resumes
emailed some professors and counselors
and before you knew it I designed my own
major called creator story the idea is
that I study various forms of media from
music to film to writing to all of that
stuff and I learned to tell better
stories through it sounds crazy sounds
like a lot of fun but it’s actually
really challenging it’s too late
creating your own major means picking
classes from an entire university
it means relying on your communication
rather than your transcript when looking
for a job it also means your tinder bio
is gonna look a busy me one thing it
also means is that your parents are
gonna yell a little bit you have at
least in the beginning my parents are
Indian and they were born in Chennai
they have to pick a major at the age of
15 and Here I am relying on more
creativity than grades it was scary for
them but eventually I earned my freedom
and I started taking classes and now I’m
able to do everything I’m passionate
about one second composing for a student
it’s crazy and incredible yet terrifying
part of me honestly doesn’t know where
I’m gonna end up in a few years it’s
just but I know that if I don’t do what
I love I’m not gonna love myself and
regardless of a degree I’m more
concerned with loving myself than
anything in the world if you guys over
long bordered by the way that’s a really
weird question but I couldn’t think of a
better way to get into this paragraph
last year I got on a longboard for the
first time during a film project I was
trying to get this shot of these three
guys running I jumped off after going
way too fast and I shattered my left
ankle and me too I called my mom from
the ambulance and she wouldn’t stop
calling and texting me for the next week
a month in the end I was on crutches for
six months
I remember dragging a plastic bag across
my left ankle standing on one leg as I
gripped any surface I could with my
it turns out the injury was a lot worse
than anticipated and eventually a
surgeon had to put a small metal plate
and four screws into my body something
that’s gonna stay with me for the rest
of my life but at least I can dance
again during this time I went to an open
mic I performed a new song and everybody
loved it i hobbled back to the to my
chair with my crutches and the girl
would a ukulele slumped up to the mic
she had purple hair she sang this song
vocals like Amy Winehouse and I was
absolutely hooked it sounded incredible
but nobody else could hear her there was
a roar around the room for some reason
everyone was talking at this time and I
was really upset he was this girl
sharing something special and nobody
cared nobody could care have to be
something that I could do I have to do
something and so I could I emailed 10
old friends googled LLC’s is RCS and
marketing 20 and started my own record
label called the reading room I released
a five-song EP where I performed drums
guitar viber phones keyboard even sang
all while on crutches and released it
for free and after that we grew we
connected to more old friends made some
new ones overseas and grew i Skype
artist directly teaching them Ableton
even singing backup vocals for a few of
them we’ve grown to a team of almost 20
people web developers musicians managers
running a record label is hard work just
like any startup but it’s not so crazy
when I tell people that I own a record
label their eyes kind of bug out but I
honestly don’t understand why I don’t
get why more people don’t do things like
this people often assume that life is
planned out for them you know you’re
born you go to school you start a family
you get a job and then you die I don’t
get why people don’t question that more
often
what if a diploma doesn’t guarantee a
job what if that job makes you unhappy
what is it about money that makes it so
appealing my mom thinks I’m crazy for
thinking this
but I’m more concerned with love than
anything else in the world money is
important but creativity and love is
why did I start a record label while
unable to stand up why did I give up on
a steady major to create my own why do I
take on responsibilities after
responsibility helping other people I
don’t know but I do know this I wouldn’t
have done any of it if I didn’t have
depression I wouldn’t have started a
record label had I not been bullied in
high school I wouldn’t have started my
own major and my father not screamed in
my face and threatened me I wouldn’t
have done this talk had I not cut myself
at 3 a.m. in high school washing the
these scars these lines these ladder
rungs these crayola drag marks these
cocaine train tracks push me every
single day they get me out of bed in the
morning they raise my hand when I raised
in class they touched my girlfriend’s
I’m not telling you to cut yourself I’m
not telling you that your experience
with mental illness is or isn’t bad I’m
not trying to belittle your you or your
story I’m not trying to make you feel
sad or bad or anything at all I’m just
sharing my story because I can and if
you’ve got a story to I want to hear it
it’s scary it’s not easy for me to come
up here and tell you all these things
that I’ve never told anybody else I’ve
lost friends and ended relationships
because of some of this stuff people
look at me weirdly afterwards they check
up on me more often and consider a
community service they create things
like trigger warnings as if they’re
responsible for my emotions and my
feelings this isn’t me saying I want
more suicide awareness groups or
anything like that I just want my mom to
look at me like I’m normal and for
everybody to treat me like a regular 19
year old kid like I’m Brandon – Cruz and
depression isn’t easy but it’s not a
heavy snowfall or endless rain or a
desert that you can’t get out of this
and everywhere
a ticking g-shock watch a voice in your
head or someone screaming at you in the
morning or you it’s none of that
depression is just me it’s a
kid who likes music and coffee it’s
Stanley Kubrick movies it’s a kid who
loves his brother and his mom and his
dad it’s a kid who loves holding hands
with his girlfriend most importantly
it’s a kid who loves to dance even though he’s terrible at it like this