what if changing your pants could change
your life here’s a photo of my friend
Dana from a couple of years ago when she
was wearing not quite right pants
working in a not quite right job she
didn’t understand what was not quite
right about either of them but she
intuitively knew that something was off
so she joined my online program called
Stacia style school with the hopes of
gaining some insight into her pants
situation but what she didn’t know was
that style school would ultimately
change the course of her life in style
school Dana did some serious soul work
and asked the big question Who am I and
how do I want to show up in the world
her answer fierce grounded vibrant
playful and so Dana went on a mission to
find pants that connected her to those
feelings except she couldn’t find any
turns out Dana doesn’t like pants she
likes dresses so she traded out all of
her pants for a closet full of dresses
dresses that connected her to who she
was on the inside that were congruent
with who she was on the inside and then
a light bulb went off and it occurred to
Dana that her job wasn’t congruent with
who she was on the inside so do you know
what she did she left that not quite
right job and she started her own
company a company that is 100% aligned
with who she is on the inside what if
changing your pants could save your life
meet Hana two weeks after Hana and I met
in style school she was diagnosed with
pancreatic cancer in those two weeks
prior to her diagnosis like Dana Hana
had also done the work of asking the
question Who am I and how do I want to
show up in the world
so when the diagnosis came
she was of course terrified but hell if
she didn’t get dressed every single
morning according to how she wanted to
feel which was brave strong and healthy
her nurses could not believe that
whenever they saw her she was dressed up
for cancer by starting each day
remembering who she was and how she was
going to live each day it lifted her
spirits and it helped her believe that
she could survive most women with
hottest diagnosis died within a year yet
two years post diagnosis Hana is still
alive and do you know what she told me
she believes that consciously deciding
each day how she was going to show up
for cancer is the reason she’s still
here today change your pants change your
life
it’s a motto that I believe in with my
whole heart but it hasn’t always been
that way I broke up with style when I
was a teenager I thought it was petty
trite and superficial because in my
experience clothes had one primary
purpose they were the liaison or in most
cases the barrier between me and any
social group I wanted to fit into in
other words I felt like there were these
unwritten style rules out there that
defined what I was supposed to wear
based on a set of cultural norms and
expectations and in order to fit in I
needed to satisfy those rules except I
could never figure out the damn rules
was I preppy outdoorsy bohemian classic
sporty I tried them all and none of them
ever fit I seriously thought I had an
identity disorder because I could not
find the box that defined me
so I said to heck with style we broke up
and I accepted a life of beige yoga
pants fleece insensible brown shoes
and I became invisible I lost my voice
I lost my laughs and I convinced myself
that it’s what’s on the inside that
matters I stood with my eyes down and my
arms crossed trying to make myself as
small and as invisible as possible I
used to tell people I was an introvert
but I can assure you I am NOT an
introvert I was an extrovert who was
severely lacking confidence in my effort
to fit in to find my box I completely
lost track of who I was for 15 years I
hid when I was in my early 30s I got
pregnant with my first child
we were told early on in my pregnancy
that our daughter was going to be born
with a number of physical anomalies both
inside her body and outside her body we
were told she might not survive
pregnancy let alone childbirth and that
if she did survive she would look
different than other kids thankfully my
pregnancy went smoothly and we had a
beautiful and relatively uncomplicated
childbirth but because of her prenatal
medical history the doctors took her
away for some pretty extensive medical
evaluation the second she was born and I
didn’t get a chance to see her she had
survived which was amazing but I still
didn’t know what she looked like when
the neonatologist finally brought her to
me
she was swaddled in a baby blanket with
her face completely covered he laid her
in my arms and proceeded to tell me all
the ways that she was wrong where he saw
a compilation of extensive physical
anomalies some purely cosmetic and some
that would compromise her ability to eat
and breathe I saw nothing but a
beautiful baby girl who needed a fierce
advocate and a damn good medical team I
knew in that moment that we had a long
road ahead of us full of wonder
in mystery and medical procedures and it
scared me but do you know what scared me
even more how was I going to raise a
daughter who had both craniofacial and
limb differences see and celebrate her
own beauty when I couldn’t see and
celebrate my own we live in a culture
where how you look matters it is hard
enough for those of us without physical
differences to see and celebrate our own
beauty how was I going to raise a
daughter who looked different than other
kids see and celebrate her own beauty
and that’s when I decided it was going
to be my job to make sure that she fit
in
despite her physical differences see
what I did there I trade it out see and
celebrate her own beauty for fitting in
as if the two were the same thing I
decided that the best way for me to make
sure that she fit in was to dress her in
the cutest old dresses and boot cut
jeans you’ve ever seen and my strategy
worked perfectly
till she turned two I would send her to
the babysitter’s house wearing the
sweetest little outfits and every single
time she came home she was wearing the
babysitter’s son’s clothes she liked boy
clothes not the cute little dresses and
bootcut jeans I was dressing her in in
fact do you know what she liked the most
we battled for years she wanted to wear
boy clothes I forced her to wear girl
clothes until one day when paradigm
shifted boxes collapsed and everything
changed we were shopping at our local
thrift store when my daughter Ayesha
asked me to buy her a shirt and the
necktie I said no just as I had done
dozens of times before and do you know
what she did she turned around marched
her five-year-old self right over to the
sales counter and asked one of the shop
employees to help her they went to the
kids department together found a shirt
and a tie and when they returned the
sales lady could clearly sense my
indignation because she started giving
me this you better make the right
decision I ball so I knew I had to buy
the shirt and tie even though I didn’t
want to as soon as we got home Raisa
raced into the living room tried on her
shirt and tie looked into the mirror and
took her own breath away
she said to me in a whisper mama
look how handsome I look and then she
ran across the living room and said mama
mama look how much faster I can run and
then she jumped high into the air and
said mama look how much higher I can
jump when I’m wearing a shirt and tie
and it hit me she could run faster and
jump higher when she was wearing clothes
on the outside that matched who she was
on the inside now this isn’t a story
about gender choice this is a story of
my daughter crushing a widely accepted
societal box that says this is what a
girl should wear and redefining for
herself what it means to be a girl all
of my work up until that moment forcing
her to stand squarely inside the girl
box trying to protect her trying to make
sure that she fit in was preventing her
from seeing and
celebrating her own beauty I was
teaching her to abandon what she knew to
be true about herself and adopt other
people’s expectations of who they
thought she should be I learned in that
moment that in order to see and
celebrate your own beauty you have to
know who you are on the inside you have
to truly see yourself
I learned that style how you show up in
the world isn’t petty trite or
superficial its complex its dynamic and
it has to be congruent from the inside
out
I call it inside-out congruence and
inside-out congruence can never be
defined by any box or preconceived rules
or cultural norms and expectations that
are designed by somebody else with this
new understanding of inside-out
congruence I started noticing that the
number of boxes we try to squeeze
ourselves into based on what we do and
other people’s expectations of us is
endless
we know there are the gender boxes that
say this is what a girl should wear and
this is what a boy should wear but what
about the professional box the one that
says this is what a lake ecologist
should wear this is what a librarian
should wear and this is what a woman
working in a man’s field should wear and
what about the box that says this is
what a woman over 40 should wear we’re
the one that says this is what a
stay-at-home mama should wear remember
how I had broken up a style because I
couldn’t find the box that defined me
well I was a tree-hugging world
traveling kale eating stay-at-home mama
who broke up a style because she
couldn’t find her box so what did I do
I created a new box and this box was
defined by what I did and not who I was
what I loved but didn’t think I could
get away with were dresses ruffles bold
jewelry and lipstick and it was so
confusing
because that’s just that is not what a
tree-hugging world travelink a leading
is it I want to dive in a little deeper
and talk about what inside-out
congruence is and where you find it when
I say congruence begins inside of you
I’m not talking about the tired
exhausted worn out you I’m not talking
about the you that needs to lose 10
pounds or start going to the gym I’m
talking about the essence of you your
spirit that place inside you that is
pure unadulterated magic as John
O’Donoghue poet and philosopher says
there is a place in you that has never
been wounded where there is still a
sureness in you where there is a
seamless and seamlessness in you and way
there is a confidence and tranquility in
you that is where you go if you can
connect to that part of you and define
it then you can answer the question who
am i and then imagine going to your
closet and only choosing clothes that
connect you to that Yunis just think of
the power that you possess underneath
everybody’s expectations of who they
think you should be I want you to
imagine two scenarios for a minute in
the first scenario I want you to imagine
my daughter Raisa as an 11 year old girl
she’s standing on the playground eyes
down shoulders forward wearing a dress
that leaves her feeling like a stranger
in her own body now imagine some kid
coming up to her teasing her because she
looks different than other kids how was
she going to respond I’ve taught her
that she’s perfect just the way she is
as long as she fits within society’s
norms and standards but she doesn’t fit
she looks different how could I ever
expect her to see and celebrate her own
beauty or fit in when she’s a stranger
in her own body now I
want you to imagine her again but this
time standing tall and proud at her body
eyes forward shoulders back wearing a
button-down shirt and a bowtie
completely sure of who she is she’s
right there now imagine some kid coming
up to her teasing her because she’s
wearing hearing aids or because she has
a four fingered hand
or because she’s wearing boy clothes how
is she going to respond I’ll tell you
how she responds because I’ve seen it
happen on the playground time and time
again she hears their criticism of her
body or her style and do you know what
she does she rolls her eyes shrugs her
if I’m within earshot she knows Mama’s
gonna be sitting on the sidelines with
smoke coming out of her ears so she says
to me mama don’t worry about it they’re
probably just having a bad day they are
having a bad day and that is the power
of insight out congruence when you know
who you are and where you belong you
don’t have to wait for anybody else’s
approval style isn’t really about the
clothes it’s about who you are on the
inside and how you choose to show up in
the world so do me a favor when you go
to get dressed tomorrow morning don’t
ask yourself what am I going to wear
today instead I want you to pause look
into the mirror take a deep breath and
ask yourself this Who am I and how do I
[Applause] [Music]
your life here’s a photo of my friend
Dana from a couple of years ago when she
was wearing not quite right pants
working in a not quite right job she
didn’t understand what was not quite
right about either of them but she
intuitively knew that something was off
so she joined my online program called
Stacia style school with the hopes of
gaining some insight into her pants
situation but what she didn’t know was
that style school would ultimately
change the course of her life in style
school Dana did some serious soul work
and asked the big question Who am I and
how do I want to show up in the world
her answer fierce grounded vibrant
playful and so Dana went on a mission to
find pants that connected her to those
feelings except she couldn’t find any
turns out Dana doesn’t like pants she
likes dresses so she traded out all of
her pants for a closet full of dresses
dresses that connected her to who she
was on the inside that were congruent
with who she was on the inside and then
a light bulb went off and it occurred to
Dana that her job wasn’t congruent with
who she was on the inside so do you know
what she did she left that not quite
right job and she started her own
company a company that is 100% aligned
with who she is on the inside what if
changing your pants could save your life
meet Hana two weeks after Hana and I met
in style school she was diagnosed with
pancreatic cancer in those two weeks
prior to her diagnosis like Dana Hana
had also done the work of asking the
question Who am I and how do I want to
show up in the world
so when the diagnosis came
she was of course terrified but hell if
she didn’t get dressed every single
morning according to how she wanted to
feel which was brave strong and healthy
her nurses could not believe that
whenever they saw her she was dressed up
for cancer by starting each day
remembering who she was and how she was
going to live each day it lifted her
spirits and it helped her believe that
she could survive most women with
hottest diagnosis died within a year yet
two years post diagnosis Hana is still
alive and do you know what she told me
she believes that consciously deciding
each day how she was going to show up
for cancer is the reason she’s still
here today change your pants change your
life
it’s a motto that I believe in with my
whole heart but it hasn’t always been
that way I broke up with style when I
was a teenager I thought it was petty
trite and superficial because in my
experience clothes had one primary
purpose they were the liaison or in most
cases the barrier between me and any
social group I wanted to fit into in
other words I felt like there were these
unwritten style rules out there that
defined what I was supposed to wear
based on a set of cultural norms and
expectations and in order to fit in I
needed to satisfy those rules except I
could never figure out the damn rules
was I preppy outdoorsy bohemian classic
sporty I tried them all and none of them
ever fit I seriously thought I had an
identity disorder because I could not
find the box that defined me
so I said to heck with style we broke up
and I accepted a life of beige yoga
pants fleece insensible brown shoes
and I became invisible I lost my voice
I lost my laughs and I convinced myself
that it’s what’s on the inside that
matters I stood with my eyes down and my
arms crossed trying to make myself as
small and as invisible as possible I
used to tell people I was an introvert
but I can assure you I am NOT an
introvert I was an extrovert who was
severely lacking confidence in my effort
to fit in to find my box I completely
lost track of who I was for 15 years I
hid when I was in my early 30s I got
pregnant with my first child
we were told early on in my pregnancy
that our daughter was going to be born
with a number of physical anomalies both
inside her body and outside her body we
were told she might not survive
pregnancy let alone childbirth and that
if she did survive she would look
different than other kids thankfully my
pregnancy went smoothly and we had a
beautiful and relatively uncomplicated
childbirth but because of her prenatal
medical history the doctors took her
away for some pretty extensive medical
evaluation the second she was born and I
didn’t get a chance to see her she had
survived which was amazing but I still
didn’t know what she looked like when
the neonatologist finally brought her to
me
she was swaddled in a baby blanket with
her face completely covered he laid her
in my arms and proceeded to tell me all
the ways that she was wrong where he saw
a compilation of extensive physical
anomalies some purely cosmetic and some
that would compromise her ability to eat
and breathe I saw nothing but a
beautiful baby girl who needed a fierce
advocate and a damn good medical team I
knew in that moment that we had a long
road ahead of us full of wonder
in mystery and medical procedures and it
scared me but do you know what scared me
even more how was I going to raise a
daughter who had both craniofacial and
limb differences see and celebrate her
own beauty when I couldn’t see and
celebrate my own we live in a culture
where how you look matters it is hard
enough for those of us without physical
differences to see and celebrate our own
beauty how was I going to raise a
daughter who looked different than other
kids see and celebrate her own beauty
and that’s when I decided it was going
to be my job to make sure that she fit
in
despite her physical differences see
what I did there I trade it out see and
celebrate her own beauty for fitting in
as if the two were the same thing I
decided that the best way for me to make
sure that she fit in was to dress her in
the cutest old dresses and boot cut
jeans you’ve ever seen and my strategy
worked perfectly
till she turned two I would send her to
the babysitter’s house wearing the
sweetest little outfits and every single
time she came home she was wearing the
babysitter’s son’s clothes she liked boy
clothes not the cute little dresses and
bootcut jeans I was dressing her in in
fact do you know what she liked the most
we battled for years she wanted to wear
boy clothes I forced her to wear girl
clothes until one day when paradigm
shifted boxes collapsed and everything
changed we were shopping at our local
thrift store when my daughter Ayesha
asked me to buy her a shirt and the
necktie I said no just as I had done
dozens of times before and do you know
what she did she turned around marched
her five-year-old self right over to the
sales counter and asked one of the shop
employees to help her they went to the
kids department together found a shirt
and a tie and when they returned the
sales lady could clearly sense my
indignation because she started giving
me this you better make the right
decision I ball so I knew I had to buy
the shirt and tie even though I didn’t
want to as soon as we got home Raisa
raced into the living room tried on her
shirt and tie looked into the mirror and
took her own breath away
she said to me in a whisper mama
look how handsome I look and then she
ran across the living room and said mama
mama look how much faster I can run and
then she jumped high into the air and
said mama look how much higher I can
jump when I’m wearing a shirt and tie
and it hit me she could run faster and
jump higher when she was wearing clothes
on the outside that matched who she was
on the inside now this isn’t a story
about gender choice this is a story of
my daughter crushing a widely accepted
societal box that says this is what a
girl should wear and redefining for
herself what it means to be a girl all
of my work up until that moment forcing
her to stand squarely inside the girl
box trying to protect her trying to make
sure that she fit in was preventing her
from seeing and
celebrating her own beauty I was
teaching her to abandon what she knew to
be true about herself and adopt other
people’s expectations of who they
thought she should be I learned in that
moment that in order to see and
celebrate your own beauty you have to
know who you are on the inside you have
to truly see yourself
I learned that style how you show up in
the world isn’t petty trite or
superficial its complex its dynamic and
it has to be congruent from the inside
out
I call it inside-out congruence and
inside-out congruence can never be
defined by any box or preconceived rules
or cultural norms and expectations that
are designed by somebody else with this
new understanding of inside-out
congruence I started noticing that the
number of boxes we try to squeeze
ourselves into based on what we do and
other people’s expectations of us is
endless
we know there are the gender boxes that
say this is what a girl should wear and
this is what a boy should wear but what
about the professional box the one that
says this is what a lake ecologist
should wear this is what a librarian
should wear and this is what a woman
working in a man’s field should wear and
what about the box that says this is
what a woman over 40 should wear we’re
the one that says this is what a
stay-at-home mama should wear remember
how I had broken up a style because I
couldn’t find the box that defined me
well I was a tree-hugging world
traveling kale eating stay-at-home mama
who broke up a style because she
couldn’t find her box so what did I do
I created a new box and this box was
defined by what I did and not who I was
what I loved but didn’t think I could
get away with were dresses ruffles bold
jewelry and lipstick and it was so
confusing
because that’s just that is not what a
tree-hugging world travelink a leading
is it I want to dive in a little deeper
and talk about what inside-out
congruence is and where you find it when
I say congruence begins inside of you
I’m not talking about the tired
exhausted worn out you I’m not talking
about the you that needs to lose 10
pounds or start going to the gym I’m
talking about the essence of you your
spirit that place inside you that is
pure unadulterated magic as John
O’Donoghue poet and philosopher says
there is a place in you that has never
been wounded where there is still a
sureness in you where there is a
seamless and seamlessness in you and way
there is a confidence and tranquility in
you that is where you go if you can
connect to that part of you and define
it then you can answer the question who
am i and then imagine going to your
closet and only choosing clothes that
connect you to that Yunis just think of
the power that you possess underneath
everybody’s expectations of who they
think you should be I want you to
imagine two scenarios for a minute in
the first scenario I want you to imagine
my daughter Raisa as an 11 year old girl
she’s standing on the playground eyes
down shoulders forward wearing a dress
that leaves her feeling like a stranger
in her own body now imagine some kid
coming up to her teasing her because she
looks different than other kids how was
she going to respond I’ve taught her
that she’s perfect just the way she is
as long as she fits within society’s
norms and standards but she doesn’t fit
she looks different how could I ever
expect her to see and celebrate her own
beauty or fit in when she’s a stranger
in her own body now I
want you to imagine her again but this
time standing tall and proud at her body
eyes forward shoulders back wearing a
button-down shirt and a bowtie
completely sure of who she is she’s
right there now imagine some kid coming
up to her teasing her because she’s
wearing hearing aids or because she has
a four fingered hand
or because she’s wearing boy clothes how
is she going to respond I’ll tell you
how she responds because I’ve seen it
happen on the playground time and time
again she hears their criticism of her
body or her style and do you know what
she does she rolls her eyes shrugs her
if I’m within earshot she knows Mama’s
gonna be sitting on the sidelines with
smoke coming out of her ears so she says
to me mama don’t worry about it they’re
probably just having a bad day they are
having a bad day and that is the power
of insight out congruence when you know
who you are and where you belong you
don’t have to wait for anybody else’s
approval style isn’t really about the
clothes it’s about who you are on the
inside and how you choose to show up in
the world so do me a favor when you go
to get dressed tomorrow morning don’t
ask yourself what am I going to wear
today instead I want you to pause look
into the mirror take a deep breath and
ask yourself this Who am I and how do I
[Applause] [Music]
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