Netflix and before anybody knew what a
Kardashian was I was in a play called
egg holdeth in summer and all I had to
do was finish my scene wait for the
blackout and exit simple enough so there
I am the scene gets over the lights fade
out the transition music fades in and I
start to make my exit
suddenly somebody bangs into me and
spins me around the dark and I’ve lost
complete sense of direction so now I
know that the exit is on my left so I
turn to the left and I can see a little
sliver of light so I said okay walk to
the light as I walk into the light and
trying to feel out for the masking cloth
on the wing I’m okay I can feel the
masking cloth that’s good masking cloth
cloth leather backrest seat face I was
in the audience and I was holding an
audience members face another time I to
again exit but I had to go up the stairs
and this was in full stage lights and I
had to say I quit and then walk up these
stairs so that I am I say I quit and I
go up the stairs and I slip and I fall
right on my face some years back I was
doing another play called all about
women and I was playing a four year old
baby along with two other actresses and
our costumes were these black shirts
black leggings and a yellow wraparound
skirt this time I had not to do any exit
I just had to sit at the center of stage
with a coloring book and crayons and the
middle of the scene I had to look at
another actress and say my skirt is
prettier than yours so that I am sitting
in the center of stage with my coloring
book and my crayons and the time comes
and I turned to the other actress and I
say my skirt is prettier than yours okay
and the three of us turn to look at my
skirt and realize just then that I’d
forgotten to wear my skirt see these are
the stories that bring cars parties to
life
between 2007 and 2014 I was one of the
busiest actresses in Bombay I had 11
running productions some were Hindi some
were English summer musicals were I had
to sing or dance or do Kazakh I used to
do three to four rehearsals in a day
learning my lines while driving my car
and between that I used to also go for
auditions for ad films and movies and I
directed three plays I did a TV show
called 24 and I could do all that
because I stayed on top of things I was
organized I went to the gym worked out
ate healthy so by the end of 2004 I had
done 50 odd plays 45 commercials and
I’ve lost count of how many short films
so 2014 was a year of hope and money and
success and fame lots of friends 2015 no
job no rehearsal no auditions no money
no friends relationships no petrol and
also no car everything had dried up and
I don’t know what had happened was it me
was I not good enough thin enough tall
enough pretty enough was I not talented
enough was I not enough I was full of
fear I felt like negativity had consumed
me I disliked auditions rehearsals I
disliked people in general
I felt like everywhere I went I had this
aura of blackness around me like flies
were buzzing and worst of all I didn’t
want to be an actor anymore and this was
heartbreaking because since I was a
little girl that’s all I wanted to be I
wanted to be an actor I wanted to bring
characters to life to tell stories I
felt like that girl who was spun in the
dark word lost all sense of direction so
I thought all right let me extricate
myself from this rat race so I borrowed
money from my father and I went to
Prague to study filmmaking I study
direction
camera editing sound assisting
everything and I came back and I felt
rejuvenated and I thought now things
will be different everything will change
but nothing did I sank deeper into my
depression I couldn’t do anything I
couldn’t get out of my house I spent my
days sleeping I stopped eating stopped
bathing even brushing my teeth felt like
a mammoth task I was embarrassed of who
I had become because up until that point
my life was all about living with grace
and dignity and professional acumen and
my cats now I was just the lady with the
cats I had one thing though that I never
had before I had dengue in 2016 while
everybody was going through their own
midlife crisis in the world I was
walking myself to the doctor getting
blood tests done cooking for myself it
was the loneliest time in my life my
rock bottom so that I was sitting in my
sickness I’d completely surrendered I
couldn’t fight anymore I had nothing
left nothing I felt like I was nothing I
had nothing I had nothing to lose
nothing more could be taken from me
nothing worse could be done to me so I
had nothing to fear I mean what was the
worst that could happen to me now
nothing so what was the point of blaming
anyone or anything what was the point of
blaming myself for being the victim
because the world owes me nothing and
that notion
changed everything I was no longer
afraid and this fearlessness gave me the
audacity to take a stance and to scream
to the universe and said enough enough
enough was enough I was no longer going
to be meek or polite or shy or timid
afraid I was going to ask for what I
wanted I mean I heard people say you
know believe in your dreams and dream
big and work hard and the world is your
oyster and I thought this is all
yeah because that means that I
failed at dreaming as well man that
really ticked me off so I literally
challenged the universe I said fine here
it is
here are my dreams here are my
aspirations my desires my hopes now make
it happen I dare you universe up kharka
dica so here we are
2017 and I think I think the universe is
listening because one of my aspirations
for the longest time was to do a TED
I mean it’s unbelievable it blows my
mind since 2014 I hadn’t done a single
ad and just this month I did three and
when I go back I’m going to start
shooting for a web series and soon I’ll
be in some rehearsal room and then I’ll
be on stage falling on my face ruining
my exits and bringing cast parties to
life and none of it none of it had
anything to do with luck it had all to
do with just showing up not checking out
but just showing up and believing that
I’m superior to circumstance so yeah I
think the universe is listening and I’m
so glad that I’m here talking to you at
this stage in my life and not before not
after but at this cusp but I have to be
honest I’m not completely in the clear
but I’m trying I’m trying so hard every
single day to keep the blackness at bay
to wake up and ask myself to be brave to
hold my nerve to demand for what I want
no matter how ludicrous my dreams may
seem and to remember to remind myself
that I am NOT nothing I’m not nothing
but I’m also not only one thing I’m a
baker
I’m a writer a painter a director a
filmmaker a TED talk or even and yes
I know that the world owes me nothing
but I want it all because I owe it to
myself so be brave be an angry threat
the unseen paths look the darkness in
the eye and who knows maybe in a month
or you’re a decade from now our paths
could cross and we could share our
stories about how we challenge the
universe and how that little sliver of
light brought us out of the darkness
thank you [Applause]