almost everybody out there who can hear
my voice is eventually going to care for
a parent a grandparent or loved one or
maybe you’re that one that’s going to
eventually need care the National
Association of family caregivers says
that one third of the population of the
US are already caregivers Wow of those
roughly half of them are feeling down
depressed and hopeless on a regular
basis
that’s according to AARP many of them
will become sicker than the ones they
care for eventually needing a caregiver
of their own now the worst part is 30%
of these caregivers will actually die
before their loved ones do
so says aging care comm if you’re not a
caregiver just wait you’ll either become
one or you’ll need one that’s why now is
the time to prepare and learn how to
become a caregiver not after tragedy
strikes
you see caregivers need to learn how to
become selfish if they want to survive I
my wife Charlene and I had a fairytale
storybook romance courtship and marriage
for the first 21 years of our lives
together we were in love with each other
so much I just knew I had to marry this
girl before she got away we raised our
three daughters we got them all out of
the house we even got them married off
off all three of them twice
I think you’re only supposed to pay for
the first marriage we now have seven
grandchildren and right about the time
that my wife and I were supposed to be
entering into the emptiness phase of
life where we go wherever we want
whenever we want don’t have to worry
about leaving the kids in the house to
wreck the place and we have the freedom
and the independence and the finances
one day my wife complains to me about
this bad headache that she had for three
days she called it the headache of her
one day I realized that actually it was
the fourth day on that fourth day that
headache ceased being only a headache by
the time the ambulance arrived
my wife had suffered a massive stroke
and had left her severely speech
impaired and paralyzed on the right side
and in that moment I was no longer just
her husband
I was now her husband and her caregiver
the next two years was like a living
hell for both of us I had no idea what I
was doing I I made every mistake in the
book every mistake a caregiver could
possibly make it wasn’t on my resume I
didn’t even know what a caregiver was
however I quickly learned that if I
didn’t become selfish there was no way I
was gonna make this thing I could have
ruined my health I might have even died
before my wife would have I quickly
started realizing that I was
experiencing the same problems that
other caregivers experienced the first
one is the guilt I started feeling
guilty all the time
I quickly realized just because I was
feeling guilt didn’t mean that I
necessarily deserved it
the next big problem that was plaguing
me was this feeling that I was always
never getting any help but worse than
that it was because I couldn’t even ask
for help I just had it in my mind if I
couldn’t do this all by myself I was a
failure as a caregiver that doesn’t look
good on a resume it wasn’t long before I
started feeling these isolation feelings
like I was all alone in the world
my friends stopped calling stopped
coming by I don’t blame him because I
was always negative and complaining when
wasn’t long before I just started
feeling hopeless and helpless I remember
screaming out I didn’t even know who
heard me I can’t take this anymore I
guess I was talking to God I just went
on in my pain cuz I didn’t know what to
do but thank God that somebody invited
me to a caregiver support group I didn’t
know what that was but I was desperate
so I went and everything changed for me
I found people who were just like me
burned-out caregivers I found hope again
I remembered that the airline’s tell us
in the event of an emergency put your
mask on first before you help your loved
one what an amazing metaphor for all of
life I had to learn that if I didn’t
become selfish there was no way I was
gonna survive this and if I didn’t
survive who was gonna take care of
Charlene let me talk about depression
with all the recent suicides in the news
lately we have to ask this question if
there is depression is suicide far
behind Anthony Bourdain Cates
a Robin Williams these celebrities are
no longer with us because they succumbed
to that suicidal depression that affects
caregivers as well yeah we don’t hear
about how many caregivers died in the
news just celebrities another important
reminder why caregivers need to learn to
become selfish in order to survive this
thing so that their loved ones can
continue to receive their care everybody
asks me so how’s your wife doing and I
proudly say well because I’ve learned
how to become selfish and put my needs
first she’s doing great
she’s advanced through the grief process
and she has embraced the new normal and
reinvented herself and figured out that
if she’s still alive God must still have
a purpose for her here on this earth now
she still can’t talk but she can
communicate non-verbally through
pictionary charades to games I hate by
the way but I’m learning to love she
still can’t walk but we bought her a
power chair and she loves it she gets to
go wherever she wants now that chair has
been all over the world with me and I
have trouble keeping up with it and
anyone who meets her for the first time
is thoroughly amazed at how she has a
smile on her face all the time enjoying
her heart she’s my hero I am so proud of
her she’s like a one-armed wallpaper
hanger and I just don’t know how she
does it but because of Charlene I can
now help other caregivers stay alive and
stay healthy I want you to imagine for a
moment what the world could look like if
every new caregiver was already capable
ready and healthy and was easily able to
maintain those qualities for as long as
they cared for their loved one if every
caregiver can learn to become selfish in
order to survive and if they can really
do that they will become stronger
healthier and happier not only in their
caregiving responsibilities but in
everything that they strive for in life
I’m living proof accent on the living
part honestly I promise you you will not
only survive this thing called
caregiving you will thrive you will be
joyful and you will be the best giver of
care to your loved one I guarantee it
just remember whose mass goes on first
thank you very much [Applause]
my voice is eventually going to care for
a parent a grandparent or loved one or
maybe you’re that one that’s going to
eventually need care the National
Association of family caregivers says
that one third of the population of the
US are already caregivers Wow of those
roughly half of them are feeling down
depressed and hopeless on a regular
basis
that’s according to AARP many of them
will become sicker than the ones they
care for eventually needing a caregiver
of their own now the worst part is 30%
of these caregivers will actually die
before their loved ones do
so says aging care comm if you’re not a
caregiver just wait you’ll either become
one or you’ll need one that’s why now is
the time to prepare and learn how to
become a caregiver not after tragedy
strikes
you see caregivers need to learn how to
become selfish if they want to survive I
my wife Charlene and I had a fairytale
storybook romance courtship and marriage
for the first 21 years of our lives
together we were in love with each other
so much I just knew I had to marry this
girl before she got away we raised our
three daughters we got them all out of
the house we even got them married off
off all three of them twice
I think you’re only supposed to pay for
the first marriage we now have seven
grandchildren and right about the time
that my wife and I were supposed to be
entering into the emptiness phase of
life where we go wherever we want
whenever we want don’t have to worry
about leaving the kids in the house to
wreck the place and we have the freedom
and the independence and the finances
one day my wife complains to me about
this bad headache that she had for three
days she called it the headache of her
one day I realized that actually it was
the fourth day on that fourth day that
headache ceased being only a headache by
the time the ambulance arrived
my wife had suffered a massive stroke
and had left her severely speech
impaired and paralyzed on the right side
and in that moment I was no longer just
her husband
I was now her husband and her caregiver
the next two years was like a living
hell for both of us I had no idea what I
was doing I I made every mistake in the
book every mistake a caregiver could
possibly make it wasn’t on my resume I
didn’t even know what a caregiver was
however I quickly learned that if I
didn’t become selfish there was no way I
was gonna make this thing I could have
ruined my health I might have even died
before my wife would have I quickly
started realizing that I was
experiencing the same problems that
other caregivers experienced the first
one is the guilt I started feeling
guilty all the time
I quickly realized just because I was
feeling guilt didn’t mean that I
necessarily deserved it
the next big problem that was plaguing
me was this feeling that I was always
never getting any help but worse than
that it was because I couldn’t even ask
for help I just had it in my mind if I
couldn’t do this all by myself I was a
failure as a caregiver that doesn’t look
good on a resume it wasn’t long before I
started feeling these isolation feelings
like I was all alone in the world
my friends stopped calling stopped
coming by I don’t blame him because I
was always negative and complaining when
wasn’t long before I just started
feeling hopeless and helpless I remember
screaming out I didn’t even know who
heard me I can’t take this anymore I
guess I was talking to God I just went
on in my pain cuz I didn’t know what to
do but thank God that somebody invited
me to a caregiver support group I didn’t
know what that was but I was desperate
so I went and everything changed for me
I found people who were just like me
burned-out caregivers I found hope again
I remembered that the airline’s tell us
in the event of an emergency put your
mask on first before you help your loved
one what an amazing metaphor for all of
life I had to learn that if I didn’t
become selfish there was no way I was
gonna survive this and if I didn’t
survive who was gonna take care of
Charlene let me talk about depression
with all the recent suicides in the news
lately we have to ask this question if
there is depression is suicide far
behind Anthony Bourdain Cates
a Robin Williams these celebrities are
no longer with us because they succumbed
to that suicidal depression that affects
caregivers as well yeah we don’t hear
about how many caregivers died in the
news just celebrities another important
reminder why caregivers need to learn to
become selfish in order to survive this
thing so that their loved ones can
continue to receive their care everybody
asks me so how’s your wife doing and I
proudly say well because I’ve learned
how to become selfish and put my needs
first she’s doing great
she’s advanced through the grief process
and she has embraced the new normal and
reinvented herself and figured out that
if she’s still alive God must still have
a purpose for her here on this earth now
she still can’t talk but she can
communicate non-verbally through
pictionary charades to games I hate by
the way but I’m learning to love she
still can’t walk but we bought her a
power chair and she loves it she gets to
go wherever she wants now that chair has
been all over the world with me and I
have trouble keeping up with it and
anyone who meets her for the first time
is thoroughly amazed at how she has a
smile on her face all the time enjoying
her heart she’s my hero I am so proud of
her she’s like a one-armed wallpaper
hanger and I just don’t know how she
does it but because of Charlene I can
now help other caregivers stay alive and
stay healthy I want you to imagine for a
moment what the world could look like if
every new caregiver was already capable
ready and healthy and was easily able to
maintain those qualities for as long as
they cared for their loved one if every
caregiver can learn to become selfish in
order to survive and if they can really
do that they will become stronger
healthier and happier not only in their
caregiving responsibilities but in
everything that they strive for in life
I’m living proof accent on the living
part honestly I promise you you will not
only survive this thing called
caregiving you will thrive you will be
joyful and you will be the best giver of
care to your loved one I guarantee it
just remember whose mass goes on first
thank you very much [Applause]
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