[Music]
I’m gonna talk to you today about
something that I call the 50 75 100
solution and it’s a way to see yourself
as the common thread or common
denominator in creating healthier
relationships before I do that simple
question how many of you have tough
relationships not everybody okay I think
the entire world is raising their hand
right now everybody has tough
relationships to different degrees and
different amounts but we all have some
form of tough relationships in our lives
and we typify them with questions like
why are they doing this to me why won’t
they stop why are they so bad why can’t
they just love me it’s all these why
questions focused on the other person
well maybe it’s you now that doesn’t
mean that you’re the problem right it’s
never it’s never you but whether you’re
the problem or not you can still be the
solution and that’s the idea behind 50
75 100 now before I get into the math of
it there’s three basic principles that
you need to understand that form the
basis of the whole thing and they come
from Buddhism the first is happiness
seeking the second is interdependence
and the last is impermanence
let me explain these happiness seeking
is simply the idea that each of us does
what we do in life just to be happy
we’re all seeking our own definition of
happiness and sometimes our seeking that
happiness makes someone else happier or
better off so if you’re volunteering
your time or helping people that makes
you happier and it helps them and makes
them happier but sometimes it actually
comes at the expense of someone else’s
happiness if there’s only one cookie
left and we both want it and I get it
you don’t my happiness comes to the
expense of yours now using this
principle I dealt with something I deal
with a lot coming from the Boston area I
was stuck in traffic coming home from
Logan Airport and it wasn’t a pretty
sight and this guy cut me off he was in
a white plumber van cut in front of me
and the typical Bostonian response is
honk your horn yell even though he won’t
hear
and cut back in front of him right teach
him a lesson but I didn’t do that and
the reason was happiness seeking so what
I recognized is when he got on the
highway he didn’t get on the highway to
find my car and cut in front of it and
put me one car further back he actually
just got on the highway to get where he
was going just like me and for whatever
reason he decided getting one car
further ahead would make him happier and
when I looked at it that way I didn’t
have to feel attacked I didn’t have to
feel like you know I was being sought
out and wronged and I just recognized
look we’re both in it for the same thing
and he’s a little bit less angry a
little bit happier that’s a good thing
remember I said he’s a plumber maybe
it’s not just his happiness maybe he’s
trying to get to someone’s house because
a pipe burst and their house is flooding
or something like that and that that
just let me say well wait you know it’s
not just about him like there’s other
people who could be happier now too but
you don’t see that if you’re feeling
wronged are you feeling attacked so
recognizing that his reason for doing
what he did had nothing to do with me
allowed me not to feel so attacked and
then I don’t bite back so it lets me
step down my reaction is stay calm so
that’s happiness seeking the Nexus
interdependence so what is this is that
none of us is all good or all bad . we
are different ways in different
situations with different people and
that’s why bullies still often have
friends that’s why you can ask one
person out on a date they say no yeah
someone else out they may say yes it’s
also why people we love dearly are very
close to and care about
we still have really big fights with we
argue with we disagree with it doesn’t
mean we don’t love them doesn’t mean
that we’re bad people or good people it
means in different situations we get
along differently and one that suggests
is change the situation you get a
different dynamic in the relationship
the last is impermanence and actually
this is really just about hope so this
is the idea that everything can and will
change the reason why that’s about hope
is if you think nothing will ever get
better no matter how hard you work you
can’t make the fighting stop well guess
what it’s not going to stop because
you’re never going to try
but if you recognize that everything
changes in the world then you see that
there’s a point to putting in the work
to not feeling attacked and recognizing
this is about them achieving their
happiness and it just happens to cost me
mine in the process that it’s an
interdependence thing we can change the
situation and maybe get a different
interaction and it’s worth it because
everything changes so those three
principles those are the foundation of
50 75 100 and now the part everyone’s
been excited for is the math right
that’s everyone’s favorite part I’m
going to start easy and that’s the fifty
and what is this fifty number some of
you may have already guessed this but in
every relationship there’s two stores
two sides of the story right there’s you
and there’s them you own your half
you’re 50% of the total that’s the easy
one to understand and we got to build to
the harder one the 75 and to do that we
actually want to look within ourselves
within us
we’re split in half again so we have our
actions that’s what we’re actively
choosing to put out into the world
your thoughts your behavior is all about
what you’re putting out freely and we
have our reactions now that’s based on
what we’re consuming from the world and
how we choose to respond and getting cut
off on the highway someone eating your
cookie whatever it is that we take in
from the world we choose how we feel
about that and how we respond and when I
say choose some people get really
offended yes I didn’t choose for them to
say that to me I didn’t choose for them
to do this to me you may not have chosen
their actions but whether that affects
you is ultimately your choice whether
you respond in kind
start yelling or whether you try to take
it down a notch or respond with
compassion or simply just walk away and
not respond those are all choices
doesn’t mean they’re easy but they’re
still choices that’s a power that we
have and that same action in reaction
50/50 split exists on the other side of
the equation in them this is where we
start to build to the 75 so the other
person’s reactions are actually based on
what you’re putting out into the world
so how you’re behaving your actions how
you’re responding through your reactions
that’s the
world that they’re experiencing and
that’s what they’re gonna respond to so
if you can change what they’re
experiencing you may get a different
response out of them so what we find is
we own our half right you got to take
responsibility for that but in owning
our half we then influence half of them
through what they’re basing their
reactions on now it doesn’t mean they’re
always going to react the way you wish
they would but it does mean you can
start to step down the hostility the
negativity the attacking that means you
have control or influence over
three-quarters of any difficult
relationship when you can get to a
better outcome and sway how 3/4 of a
problem is working you can very quickly
start to build to a hundred percent
better so that’s where these numbers 50
75 100 come from so want to share a
specific example not traffic not cookies
but a really difficult one that I
experienced in a work situation I had a
co-worker who’s absolutely brilliant
really really intelligent really well
respected and also extremely good at
arguing extremely good and for whatever
reason she saw me as a barrier to her
happiness it wasn’t always that way but
for whatever reason she decided one day
that I was standing in the way of what
she wanted and so she sent an email and
the email was a list of bullets of all
the terrible facts about how bad I was
and all the failures that I had and and
the impact on the business
she and just send it to me she sent it
to me and our boss so I was laying out
Brian’s terrible in these specific ways
and this is the impact the thing about
the the facts that were so terrible is
the action weren’t true now it’s not
just me subjectively being like I don’t
like what she said so it’s not true they
genuinely weren’t true I don’t know if
she made them up I don’t know if she
just had bad information or she was
confused or what but I had a choice how
do I respond to this well I could just
try to refute every one of her points
and I had plenty of data to do that but
she’s really well-respected she’s really
smart and she’s a really good arguer so
chances are that’s not necessarily gonna
win for me she may still come out ahead
and
coming out ahead means I’m gone so
that’s one path the other is I can just
deflect and start arguing about how bad
she is and asmath let’s ignore all this
you know she’s this terrible person over
here and just try to take her out
instead but again that’s that’s not
really gonna work out so well she’ll
probably do a good job responding to
that and frankly that’s not a great way
to be so there’s a third path and that’s
what we’re talking about today this 50
75 100 path so what I do I said thank
you which I know she wasn’t expecting
and instead of arguing with each of
those bullets or responding with like
and here’s the data that shows that’s
wrong and here’s the data that shows
that’s wrong I just said look I have a
different view of the data that you’re
talking about but that doesn’t really
matter so I just dismissed the whole
argument about who’s right and who’s
wrong and I said if what you’re talking
about
terms the impact on the business is real
we have a serious problem and we
absolutely should get together and talk
about it
I’ll find us sometime this week and so
the three of us may her in our boss we
sat down for this meeting at the mines
and sure enough she came out guns
blazing she had her list of bullet
points and like I had the pre warning
because she sent them to me so I I had
collected all the data that would refute
all that and I let her talk and I sat
there pretty calmly actually of a heart
rate monitor and my watch so I could see
it wasn’t just you know flick gritting
my teeth and trying not to look angry I
genuinely stayed calm because I knew I’m
not engaging in any of this it’s
irrelevant she just needs to say what
she needs to say and then we’ll move to
the solution so I’ll let her say her
piece I didn’t interrupt her and get
worked up and when she was done I said
thank you it’s my new catchphrase and I
said you know I mentioned I have a
different take on the data here’s a
couple of things that I’m seeing and I
mentioned two or three of them really
quickly I gave my source just to bring
some validity to it but again I said
that really doesn’t matter it’s not
about whether your data’s right or
mine’s right because there’s still this
issue that you’re talking about and
however we get to that that’s a real
problem for the business so then I did
something very different from what she
expected right if I was this blocker to
her happiness what I said was
is it you want to have happen so I asked
her to define happiness right she was
definitely not ready for that so she was
kind of stuttered and stumbled a little
bit because she wasn’t ready for it and
then said you know she said her piece
what it was she actually wanted which
shockingly wasn’t the thing she was
pointing out in her email and had
nothing to do with me getting fired so
getting her to speak out what is it that
you’re actually trying to achieve just
totally change the whole interaction and
the reality is was actually a really
good idea it was something we should be
focused on I can get behind that so I
said thank you
right as I had come to do pretty
regularly at that point and I said you
know that’s a really good idea I totally
agree with you here’s a few things I
think I can do to help with that what do
you think and so I went from being this
blocker to her happiness from stepping
aside a little bit and letting her bring
it to the table it’s actually
facilitating getting her to her
happiness now what I won’t say is we
took each other’s hand and went skipping
off into the distance and saying kumbaya
that did not happen
we’re in two different cities so
logistical II it was tough but that
definitely wasn’t gonna happen
this isn’t you know utopia it didn’t
solve everything and everything was
perfect but what it did do is stop this
direction attack we never had another
situation like that again and we’re
professional with each other we could
actually work together and we could work
on this thing that she was so interested
in making happen because it was a good
thing for everybody that would never
have happened if we started butting
heads and arguing and fighting so as we
started with Buddhism I kind of have to
bring it back because food is just
pretty brilliant
there’s this great quote that I think
sums the whole thing up we conquer anger
with non anger badness with goodness
meanness with generosity and dishonesty
with truth it’s the old adage of you
don’t fight fire with fire its water
that squelches flames when you look at
50 75 100 and you remember the happiness
seeking the interdependence the
impermanence the ways to get there you
find that you can actually be the water
and even your most heated situations
thank you
you
[Applause] [Music]
I’m gonna talk to you today about
something that I call the 50 75 100
solution and it’s a way to see yourself
as the common thread or common
denominator in creating healthier
relationships before I do that simple
question how many of you have tough
relationships not everybody okay I think
the entire world is raising their hand
right now everybody has tough
relationships to different degrees and
different amounts but we all have some
form of tough relationships in our lives
and we typify them with questions like
why are they doing this to me why won’t
they stop why are they so bad why can’t
they just love me it’s all these why
questions focused on the other person
well maybe it’s you now that doesn’t
mean that you’re the problem right it’s
never it’s never you but whether you’re
the problem or not you can still be the
solution and that’s the idea behind 50
75 100 now before I get into the math of
it there’s three basic principles that
you need to understand that form the
basis of the whole thing and they come
from Buddhism the first is happiness
seeking the second is interdependence
and the last is impermanence
let me explain these happiness seeking
is simply the idea that each of us does
what we do in life just to be happy
we’re all seeking our own definition of
happiness and sometimes our seeking that
happiness makes someone else happier or
better off so if you’re volunteering
your time or helping people that makes
you happier and it helps them and makes
them happier but sometimes it actually
comes at the expense of someone else’s
happiness if there’s only one cookie
left and we both want it and I get it
you don’t my happiness comes to the
expense of yours now using this
principle I dealt with something I deal
with a lot coming from the Boston area I
was stuck in traffic coming home from
Logan Airport and it wasn’t a pretty
sight and this guy cut me off he was in
a white plumber van cut in front of me
and the typical Bostonian response is
honk your horn yell even though he won’t
hear
and cut back in front of him right teach
him a lesson but I didn’t do that and
the reason was happiness seeking so what
I recognized is when he got on the
highway he didn’t get on the highway to
find my car and cut in front of it and
put me one car further back he actually
just got on the highway to get where he
was going just like me and for whatever
reason he decided getting one car
further ahead would make him happier and
when I looked at it that way I didn’t
have to feel attacked I didn’t have to
feel like you know I was being sought
out and wronged and I just recognized
look we’re both in it for the same thing
and he’s a little bit less angry a
little bit happier that’s a good thing
remember I said he’s a plumber maybe
it’s not just his happiness maybe he’s
trying to get to someone’s house because
a pipe burst and their house is flooding
or something like that and that that
just let me say well wait you know it’s
not just about him like there’s other
people who could be happier now too but
you don’t see that if you’re feeling
wronged are you feeling attacked so
recognizing that his reason for doing
what he did had nothing to do with me
allowed me not to feel so attacked and
then I don’t bite back so it lets me
step down my reaction is stay calm so
that’s happiness seeking the Nexus
interdependence so what is this is that
none of us is all good or all bad . we
are different ways in different
situations with different people and
that’s why bullies still often have
friends that’s why you can ask one
person out on a date they say no yeah
someone else out they may say yes it’s
also why people we love dearly are very
close to and care about
we still have really big fights with we
argue with we disagree with it doesn’t
mean we don’t love them doesn’t mean
that we’re bad people or good people it
means in different situations we get
along differently and one that suggests
is change the situation you get a
different dynamic in the relationship
the last is impermanence and actually
this is really just about hope so this
is the idea that everything can and will
change the reason why that’s about hope
is if you think nothing will ever get
better no matter how hard you work you
can’t make the fighting stop well guess
what it’s not going to stop because
you’re never going to try
but if you recognize that everything
changes in the world then you see that
there’s a point to putting in the work
to not feeling attacked and recognizing
this is about them achieving their
happiness and it just happens to cost me
mine in the process that it’s an
interdependence thing we can change the
situation and maybe get a different
interaction and it’s worth it because
everything changes so those three
principles those are the foundation of
50 75 100 and now the part everyone’s
been excited for is the math right
that’s everyone’s favorite part I’m
going to start easy and that’s the fifty
and what is this fifty number some of
you may have already guessed this but in
every relationship there’s two stores
two sides of the story right there’s you
and there’s them you own your half
you’re 50% of the total that’s the easy
one to understand and we got to build to
the harder one the 75 and to do that we
actually want to look within ourselves
within us
we’re split in half again so we have our
actions that’s what we’re actively
choosing to put out into the world
your thoughts your behavior is all about
what you’re putting out freely and we
have our reactions now that’s based on
what we’re consuming from the world and
how we choose to respond and getting cut
off on the highway someone eating your
cookie whatever it is that we take in
from the world we choose how we feel
about that and how we respond and when I
say choose some people get really
offended yes I didn’t choose for them to
say that to me I didn’t choose for them
to do this to me you may not have chosen
their actions but whether that affects
you is ultimately your choice whether
you respond in kind
start yelling or whether you try to take
it down a notch or respond with
compassion or simply just walk away and
not respond those are all choices
doesn’t mean they’re easy but they’re
still choices that’s a power that we
have and that same action in reaction
50/50 split exists on the other side of
the equation in them this is where we
start to build to the 75 so the other
person’s reactions are actually based on
what you’re putting out into the world
so how you’re behaving your actions how
you’re responding through your reactions
that’s the
world that they’re experiencing and
that’s what they’re gonna respond to so
if you can change what they’re
experiencing you may get a different
response out of them so what we find is
we own our half right you got to take
responsibility for that but in owning
our half we then influence half of them
through what they’re basing their
reactions on now it doesn’t mean they’re
always going to react the way you wish
they would but it does mean you can
start to step down the hostility the
negativity the attacking that means you
have control or influence over
three-quarters of any difficult
relationship when you can get to a
better outcome and sway how 3/4 of a
problem is working you can very quickly
start to build to a hundred percent
better so that’s where these numbers 50
75 100 come from so want to share a
specific example not traffic not cookies
but a really difficult one that I
experienced in a work situation I had a
co-worker who’s absolutely brilliant
really really intelligent really well
respected and also extremely good at
arguing extremely good and for whatever
reason she saw me as a barrier to her
happiness it wasn’t always that way but
for whatever reason she decided one day
that I was standing in the way of what
she wanted and so she sent an email and
the email was a list of bullets of all
the terrible facts about how bad I was
and all the failures that I had and and
the impact on the business
she and just send it to me she sent it
to me and our boss so I was laying out
Brian’s terrible in these specific ways
and this is the impact the thing about
the the facts that were so terrible is
the action weren’t true now it’s not
just me subjectively being like I don’t
like what she said so it’s not true they
genuinely weren’t true I don’t know if
she made them up I don’t know if she
just had bad information or she was
confused or what but I had a choice how
do I respond to this well I could just
try to refute every one of her points
and I had plenty of data to do that but
she’s really well-respected she’s really
smart and she’s a really good arguer so
chances are that’s not necessarily gonna
win for me she may still come out ahead
and
coming out ahead means I’m gone so
that’s one path the other is I can just
deflect and start arguing about how bad
she is and asmath let’s ignore all this
you know she’s this terrible person over
here and just try to take her out
instead but again that’s that’s not
really gonna work out so well she’ll
probably do a good job responding to
that and frankly that’s not a great way
to be so there’s a third path and that’s
what we’re talking about today this 50
75 100 path so what I do I said thank
you which I know she wasn’t expecting
and instead of arguing with each of
those bullets or responding with like
and here’s the data that shows that’s
wrong and here’s the data that shows
that’s wrong I just said look I have a
different view of the data that you’re
talking about but that doesn’t really
matter so I just dismissed the whole
argument about who’s right and who’s
wrong and I said if what you’re talking
about
terms the impact on the business is real
we have a serious problem and we
absolutely should get together and talk
about it
I’ll find us sometime this week and so
the three of us may her in our boss we
sat down for this meeting at the mines
and sure enough she came out guns
blazing she had her list of bullet
points and like I had the pre warning
because she sent them to me so I I had
collected all the data that would refute
all that and I let her talk and I sat
there pretty calmly actually of a heart
rate monitor and my watch so I could see
it wasn’t just you know flick gritting
my teeth and trying not to look angry I
genuinely stayed calm because I knew I’m
not engaging in any of this it’s
irrelevant she just needs to say what
she needs to say and then we’ll move to
the solution so I’ll let her say her
piece I didn’t interrupt her and get
worked up and when she was done I said
thank you it’s my new catchphrase and I
said you know I mentioned I have a
different take on the data here’s a
couple of things that I’m seeing and I
mentioned two or three of them really
quickly I gave my source just to bring
some validity to it but again I said
that really doesn’t matter it’s not
about whether your data’s right or
mine’s right because there’s still this
issue that you’re talking about and
however we get to that that’s a real
problem for the business so then I did
something very different from what she
expected right if I was this blocker to
her happiness what I said was
is it you want to have happen so I asked
her to define happiness right she was
definitely not ready for that so she was
kind of stuttered and stumbled a little
bit because she wasn’t ready for it and
then said you know she said her piece
what it was she actually wanted which
shockingly wasn’t the thing she was
pointing out in her email and had
nothing to do with me getting fired so
getting her to speak out what is it that
you’re actually trying to achieve just
totally change the whole interaction and
the reality is was actually a really
good idea it was something we should be
focused on I can get behind that so I
said thank you
right as I had come to do pretty
regularly at that point and I said you
know that’s a really good idea I totally
agree with you here’s a few things I
think I can do to help with that what do
you think and so I went from being this
blocker to her happiness from stepping
aside a little bit and letting her bring
it to the table it’s actually
facilitating getting her to her
happiness now what I won’t say is we
took each other’s hand and went skipping
off into the distance and saying kumbaya
that did not happen
we’re in two different cities so
logistical II it was tough but that
definitely wasn’t gonna happen
this isn’t you know utopia it didn’t
solve everything and everything was
perfect but what it did do is stop this
direction attack we never had another
situation like that again and we’re
professional with each other we could
actually work together and we could work
on this thing that she was so interested
in making happen because it was a good
thing for everybody that would never
have happened if we started butting
heads and arguing and fighting so as we
started with Buddhism I kind of have to
bring it back because food is just
pretty brilliant
there’s this great quote that I think
sums the whole thing up we conquer anger
with non anger badness with goodness
meanness with generosity and dishonesty
with truth it’s the old adage of you
don’t fight fire with fire its water
that squelches flames when you look at
50 75 100 and you remember the happiness
seeking the interdependence the
impermanence the ways to get there you
find that you can actually be the water
and even your most heated situations
thank you
you
[Applause] [Music]
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