have you ever posted something on social
media and then thought that was dumb and
took it down I did that happened on
January 11th and I thought whoa do I
really want to tell the whole world from
the guy that I dated in high school the
lady that I met last week that I had
been sexually molested as a child
not really and yes I saw you squirm in
your chair
here’s the thing I woke to a friend
asking me why did you take that down I
wanted to share it yeah that’s pretty
much why I took it down didn’t want to
share that but shared it with my husband
he said I need to be posted and that
nagging voice said post it I did
within minutes my facebook feed my phone
messenger was blowing up the post I
wanted to hide went a little crazy
within 12 hours of the affirm the
original posting I was offered a
publishing deal
I accepted amid feelings of oh my and oh
my no one wants to talk about sexual
abuse it’s a little secret
it’s dirty that we hide away I sure
didn’t and I’m a professional speaker
I’m comfortable talking but if I’m not
comfortable talking then who else would
be the angry voices did not connect with
me they did not describe me and I have
something to say I am not the only one
affected by sexual abuse in 2016 I was
contracted to speak in Indonesia after
two days of work my host wanted to show
me their country and I was willing to be
pampered I was joined every minute of it
their beautiful country all the luxury
and then we were going through a section
of Bali and I just been told that it was
a rough part of town I was a little
surprised
to see a young man holding his sister
protectively by the arms and is even
younger brother by the hand attempting
to cross a busy street and I looked on
this from my perspective high up in a
luxury SUV and I said where is their
mother
my host shifted their gaze and I
realized my blunder too late as we drove
by and my eyes met his through my tinted
windows his pain was evident no social
worker to intervene no charities
available of course those that were were
overrun with Adam and that outpaces
their capacity to give had I been just a
little bit less judgmental in that
moment just a little bit I could have
rolled down the window and handed them a
bag of food that set right next to me
would it have changed the facts that
were explained that these children were
probably orphaned or abandoned would it
have changed that probably all of them
would end up in the sex trade my
judgment of them says more about me than
it does about them as it is with each of
us who we judge victims of the sex trade
sexual assault or molestation I judged
because it was outside of my frame of
reference I judge because it wasn’t my
everyday experience where I live in a
nearly picture-perfect suburb much like
the one I grew up in we don’t often see
children unaccompanied in rough parts of
town and I’m not often in rough parts of
town it wasn’t my everyday experience so
I judged we all do it we hear of a
disaster in a far-off country like a
tsunami and we feel bad and we will run
a ride to check we feel bad we pray for
him yet some of us can be heard to say
well they shouldn’t have been living
there after all tsunamis are bound to
happen you’ve seen the disaster movies I
have to write we judge because it’s not
it’s sexual assault rape molestation
it’s not a comfortable thing to talk
about we judge because we want to hide
it we want to console ourselves we want
to distance ourselves from the
likelihood of that happening to us but
that unthinkable event couldn’t really
be us victim blaming is all the rage so
much more comfortable to blame the
victim than to realize that we too are
at risk we say oh well she shouldn’t
have been dressed that way oh they
shouldn’t have been drinking so every
time we dress in a certain way it’s okay
if we’re raped and every time we drink
it’s okay if we’re assaulted
we don’t live where tsunamis happen
check we’re safe we don’t dress in a
skirt that short check we are safe we
don’t drink or we drink responsibly
check we are safe in judging the victim
we mentally distance ourselves making
them not only not human but not us in
the 2015 rape case
of Stanford we all heard the debate as a
society that the victor
traitor was not really to blame because
you know he’d had too much to drink and
as the victim was intoxicated not fully
aware what’s happening to her who she is
being right behind a dumpster was it
really that bad yes it was because she
had not given consent one in three girls
and one in five boys have experienced a
sexual act without their consent when we
hear about an assault
we cannot distance ourselves saying oh
this could never happen to me because
that is our reality that is our
experience in my case I was groomed to
accept the molestation I maintained his
secret as though it were my own I cover
it up for him I’ve been brainwashed by a
man who’d come into my life when I was
around two years old at 14 I was
able to free myself of this man some and
my family said well it’s her flirtatious
nature you know how she is
or they blamed my tastes they questioned
my taste in men for years victim-blaming
however i have chosen to evolve beyond
we have a culture that tells people that
they are not okay because something has
happened to them that they are broken
and damaged goods
however we are more than what happens to
us I’m a witness of that we all have a
voice within each of us there is that
voice that tells us the truth with my
children I want to raise children that
respect themselves because they respect
others we deceive ourselves by thinking
we have superior mental processes that
is not only a form of judgment it is a
mental game that we play we judge the
victim and we fail to see that there’s a
person there myself
and millions others are a shocking
statistic that takes sexual assault from
a fringe happening to almost a common
occurrence yet if sexual assault is so
common then why is there such a stigma
to talk about it why are we made to feel
as the victim shamed or blamed
doesn’t that connotated it was our
responsibility
a hundred percent of rape sexual assault
and molestation is a hundred percent the
fault of the the perpetrator not the
victim a hundred percent the assailant
even if he or she were dressed
provocatively was flirtatious was under
the influence of a substance or in love
with the assailant it is a hundred
percent the fault of the perpetrator not
the victim why in a culture that
discourages open communication blames
the victim and witches prefer it all go
away
why is my self and so many others now
speaking out against sexual abuse to
change the conversation we have told our
children to fear strangers when in
reality 80% of those molested are
molested by somebody they knew we’re
also telling young victims by our
bitterness that they will always hurt I
do not believe this to be true I may be
clear that does not release the man that
chose to violate my innocence from his
crime or the evil of his act however I
have chosen to evolve beyond a scare to
manipulate a child I have chosen to grow
beyond being a traumatized teen I have
an amazing life and that has nothing to
do with him I like me you’ll notice that
I do not refer to him as my abuser
because my implies ownership and he does
not own me I have I’m a joyful and
confident woman I’m in a loving marriage
with amazing sensitive and loving
children I tell my children when they
were little and they were having a fight
and I would say how do you feel we get
right down in there we talked to them
how do you feel and I get an answer like
well child of mine that feeling is
telling you to stop what is happening
and to leave they thought I was teaching
them how not to fight I was
but I was also teaching them to honor
that voice that warning beacon that each
of us have that warning beacon will not
only guide us to the light it will also
guide us to the darkness excuse me whoa
let’s be clear not guide us to the
darkness guide us away from the darkness
and warn us I want to raise children the
unlike what I was told I was told by the
man that molested me to squelch that
feeling I was taught as you were taught
to not say anything if you can’t say
something nice saying stop don’t my body
are not nice statements my sweet
daughter when she was two and a half
years old we were two large gathering
her people and I heard her go back I
looked over to see a man holding her by
the arm he wanted to hug her she was
resisting there was a simple group of
people and I walked over to them now my
daughter is a total cuttlebug she loves
to be touched and held but her in her
voice was saying this was not someone
she wanted to be hugged by I walked over
to them and I explained to them that my
daughter had the right to hug whom she
wanted or not I want to teach my
children to honor that voice of truth
that each of us have we are teaching our
children to squelch that feeling we are
all told to squelch that to not listen
to that voice that will guide us but it
will should my son daughter niece and
nephew or neighbor kid experienced the
horrors that I did I would tell them
this is a hundred percent the fault of
the molester not you 100 percent their
fault but yet just if you’re walking
innocently down the sidewalk and you’re
hit by a car it is not up to the driver
to decide when
the ambulance is called it is not up to
the assembled witnesses to decide when
you were okay you will have to do that
if your attacker is caught if the
attacker gives you don’t ask your
attacker to give you permission
don’t seek that validation because they
won’t you will have to decide you will
have to do the brutally hard work to
repair your broken self is that fair no
it is not but it’s your life and your
body and no one else can do this for you
Healing is not about getting permission
Hailie is about taking your recovery
away from those that would hurt you
taking your power away from those taking
them out of your thoughts out of your
actions out of your life becoming you
without them only then can we transition
from being victims to survivors as
survivors we need to talk about what
happened can I propose to those of you
who have not been affected by sexual
abuse or molestation perhaps you been a
victim of relationship pain health
problems we do not deserve a lecture on
what we could have done better just as
you don’t deserve a lecture on how you
can eat better or interact with others
we all have our things that make us hurt
well the things that are hard see we
don’t often introduce ourselves by
traumatic events like hi I had a
the problem with placing millions of us
of us in a box labeled victim in
permanent marker carries this danger we
can read and we might just believe you
we are more than the events of our lives
no matter how hideous those events are
we are more than that
those that have been victimized can and
should move beyond victimization this is
why I am
speaking I’m your neighbor
I’m the kid down the street I’m a woman
that’s more than the events of my life I
promise you that pain that you feel will
take time it will get better it will be
something you don’t always think about
and when you get there you’ll become an
advocate an advocate is somebody who has
been there overcame and lifts others up
to the victim you are worth being fought
for just survivor you are worth the work
to fight for your healing and to society
those of you who can put aside judgment
and become honorary advocates for the
abused and those at risk of being abused
will you join in the fight to protect
the innocent thank you [Applause]
media and then thought that was dumb and
took it down I did that happened on
January 11th and I thought whoa do I
really want to tell the whole world from
the guy that I dated in high school the
lady that I met last week that I had
been sexually molested as a child
not really and yes I saw you squirm in
your chair
here’s the thing I woke to a friend
asking me why did you take that down I
wanted to share it yeah that’s pretty
much why I took it down didn’t want to
share that but shared it with my husband
he said I need to be posted and that
nagging voice said post it I did
within minutes my facebook feed my phone
messenger was blowing up the post I
wanted to hide went a little crazy
within 12 hours of the affirm the
original posting I was offered a
publishing deal
I accepted amid feelings of oh my and oh
my no one wants to talk about sexual
abuse it’s a little secret
it’s dirty that we hide away I sure
didn’t and I’m a professional speaker
I’m comfortable talking but if I’m not
comfortable talking then who else would
be the angry voices did not connect with
me they did not describe me and I have
something to say I am not the only one
affected by sexual abuse in 2016 I was
contracted to speak in Indonesia after
two days of work my host wanted to show
me their country and I was willing to be
pampered I was joined every minute of it
their beautiful country all the luxury
and then we were going through a section
of Bali and I just been told that it was
a rough part of town I was a little
surprised
to see a young man holding his sister
protectively by the arms and is even
younger brother by the hand attempting
to cross a busy street and I looked on
this from my perspective high up in a
luxury SUV and I said where is their
mother
my host shifted their gaze and I
realized my blunder too late as we drove
by and my eyes met his through my tinted
windows his pain was evident no social
worker to intervene no charities
available of course those that were were
overrun with Adam and that outpaces
their capacity to give had I been just a
little bit less judgmental in that
moment just a little bit I could have
rolled down the window and handed them a
bag of food that set right next to me
would it have changed the facts that
were explained that these children were
probably orphaned or abandoned would it
have changed that probably all of them
would end up in the sex trade my
judgment of them says more about me than
it does about them as it is with each of
us who we judge victims of the sex trade
sexual assault or molestation I judged
because it was outside of my frame of
reference I judge because it wasn’t my
everyday experience where I live in a
nearly picture-perfect suburb much like
the one I grew up in we don’t often see
children unaccompanied in rough parts of
town and I’m not often in rough parts of
town it wasn’t my everyday experience so
I judged we all do it we hear of a
disaster in a far-off country like a
tsunami and we feel bad and we will run
a ride to check we feel bad we pray for
him yet some of us can be heard to say
well they shouldn’t have been living
there after all tsunamis are bound to
happen you’ve seen the disaster movies I
have to write we judge because it’s not
it’s sexual assault rape molestation
it’s not a comfortable thing to talk
about we judge because we want to hide
it we want to console ourselves we want
to distance ourselves from the
likelihood of that happening to us but
that unthinkable event couldn’t really
be us victim blaming is all the rage so
much more comfortable to blame the
victim than to realize that we too are
at risk we say oh well she shouldn’t
have been dressed that way oh they
shouldn’t have been drinking so every
time we dress in a certain way it’s okay
if we’re raped and every time we drink
it’s okay if we’re assaulted
we don’t live where tsunamis happen
check we’re safe we don’t dress in a
skirt that short check we are safe we
don’t drink or we drink responsibly
check we are safe in judging the victim
we mentally distance ourselves making
them not only not human but not us in
the 2015 rape case
of Stanford we all heard the debate as a
society that the victor
traitor was not really to blame because
you know he’d had too much to drink and
as the victim was intoxicated not fully
aware what’s happening to her who she is
being right behind a dumpster was it
really that bad yes it was because she
had not given consent one in three girls
and one in five boys have experienced a
sexual act without their consent when we
hear about an assault
we cannot distance ourselves saying oh
this could never happen to me because
that is our reality that is our
experience in my case I was groomed to
accept the molestation I maintained his
secret as though it were my own I cover
it up for him I’ve been brainwashed by a
man who’d come into my life when I was
around two years old at 14 I was
able to free myself of this man some and
my family said well it’s her flirtatious
nature you know how she is
or they blamed my tastes they questioned
my taste in men for years victim-blaming
however i have chosen to evolve beyond
we have a culture that tells people that
they are not okay because something has
happened to them that they are broken
and damaged goods
however we are more than what happens to
us I’m a witness of that we all have a
voice within each of us there is that
voice that tells us the truth with my
children I want to raise children that
respect themselves because they respect
others we deceive ourselves by thinking
we have superior mental processes that
is not only a form of judgment it is a
mental game that we play we judge the
victim and we fail to see that there’s a
person there myself
and millions others are a shocking
statistic that takes sexual assault from
a fringe happening to almost a common
occurrence yet if sexual assault is so
common then why is there such a stigma
to talk about it why are we made to feel
as the victim shamed or blamed
doesn’t that connotated it was our
responsibility
a hundred percent of rape sexual assault
and molestation is a hundred percent the
fault of the the perpetrator not the
victim a hundred percent the assailant
even if he or she were dressed
provocatively was flirtatious was under
the influence of a substance or in love
with the assailant it is a hundred
percent the fault of the perpetrator not
the victim why in a culture that
discourages open communication blames
the victim and witches prefer it all go
away
why is my self and so many others now
speaking out against sexual abuse to
change the conversation we have told our
children to fear strangers when in
reality 80% of those molested are
molested by somebody they knew we’re
also telling young victims by our
bitterness that they will always hurt I
do not believe this to be true I may be
clear that does not release the man that
chose to violate my innocence from his
crime or the evil of his act however I
have chosen to evolve beyond a scare to
manipulate a child I have chosen to grow
beyond being a traumatized teen I have
an amazing life and that has nothing to
do with him I like me you’ll notice that
I do not refer to him as my abuser
because my implies ownership and he does
not own me I have I’m a joyful and
confident woman I’m in a loving marriage
with amazing sensitive and loving
children I tell my children when they
were little and they were having a fight
and I would say how do you feel we get
right down in there we talked to them
how do you feel and I get an answer like
well child of mine that feeling is
telling you to stop what is happening
and to leave they thought I was teaching
them how not to fight I was
but I was also teaching them to honor
that voice that warning beacon that each
of us have that warning beacon will not
only guide us to the light it will also
guide us to the darkness excuse me whoa
let’s be clear not guide us to the
darkness guide us away from the darkness
and warn us I want to raise children the
unlike what I was told I was told by the
man that molested me to squelch that
feeling I was taught as you were taught
to not say anything if you can’t say
something nice saying stop don’t my body
are not nice statements my sweet
daughter when she was two and a half
years old we were two large gathering
her people and I heard her go back I
looked over to see a man holding her by
the arm he wanted to hug her she was
resisting there was a simple group of
people and I walked over to them now my
daughter is a total cuttlebug she loves
to be touched and held but her in her
voice was saying this was not someone
she wanted to be hugged by I walked over
to them and I explained to them that my
daughter had the right to hug whom she
wanted or not I want to teach my
children to honor that voice of truth
that each of us have we are teaching our
children to squelch that feeling we are
all told to squelch that to not listen
to that voice that will guide us but it
will should my son daughter niece and
nephew or neighbor kid experienced the
horrors that I did I would tell them
this is a hundred percent the fault of
the molester not you 100 percent their
fault but yet just if you’re walking
innocently down the sidewalk and you’re
hit by a car it is not up to the driver
to decide when
the ambulance is called it is not up to
the assembled witnesses to decide when
you were okay you will have to do that
if your attacker is caught if the
attacker gives you don’t ask your
attacker to give you permission
don’t seek that validation because they
won’t you will have to decide you will
have to do the brutally hard work to
repair your broken self is that fair no
it is not but it’s your life and your
body and no one else can do this for you
Healing is not about getting permission
Hailie is about taking your recovery
away from those that would hurt you
taking your power away from those taking
them out of your thoughts out of your
actions out of your life becoming you
without them only then can we transition
from being victims to survivors as
survivors we need to talk about what
happened can I propose to those of you
who have not been affected by sexual
abuse or molestation perhaps you been a
victim of relationship pain health
problems we do not deserve a lecture on
what we could have done better just as
you don’t deserve a lecture on how you
can eat better or interact with others
we all have our things that make us hurt
well the things that are hard see we
don’t often introduce ourselves by
traumatic events like hi I had a
the problem with placing millions of us
of us in a box labeled victim in
permanent marker carries this danger we
can read and we might just believe you
we are more than the events of our lives
no matter how hideous those events are
we are more than that
those that have been victimized can and
should move beyond victimization this is
why I am
speaking I’m your neighbor
I’m the kid down the street I’m a woman
that’s more than the events of my life I
promise you that pain that you feel will
take time it will get better it will be
something you don’t always think about
and when you get there you’ll become an
advocate an advocate is somebody who has
been there overcame and lifts others up
to the victim you are worth being fought
for just survivor you are worth the work
to fight for your healing and to society
those of you who can put aside judgment
and become honorary advocates for the
abused and those at risk of being abused
will you join in the fight to protect
the innocent thank you [Applause]
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