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Beliefs Are The LIES You Tell Yourself | Lisa Lieberman-Wang | TEDxHobokenWomen


[Music]
[Music] [Laughter]
I’m 11 years old and I’m going to the
I’m 11 years old and I’m going to the movies with my parents to see Burt
movies with my parents to see Burt
movies with my parents to see Burt Reynolds and Semite tough my brother and
Reynolds and Semite tough my brother and
Reynolds and Semite tough my brother and I decided to sit on the opposite side of
I decided to sit on the opposite side of
I decided to sit on the opposite side of the theatre of them so we don’t have to
the theatre of them so we don’t have to
the theatre of them so we don’t have to be near home in the middle of a movie
be near home in the middle of a movie
be near home in the middle of a movie there’s a scene that comes on with a
there’s a scene that comes on with a
there’s a scene that comes on with a large crowd of people just like this and
large crowd of people just like this and
large crowd of people just like this and a man steps forward and he shouts out at
a man steps forward and he shouts out at
a man steps forward and he shouts out at the audience you’re all assholes in that
the audience you’re all assholes in that
the audience you’re all assholes in that very moment I hear a voice from across
very moment I hear a voice from across
very moment I hear a voice from across the entire theater Lisa they’re calling
the entire theater Lisa they’re calling
the entire theater Lisa they’re calling you I wanted to shrink in my chair and
you I wanted to shrink in my chair and
you I wanted to shrink in my chair and embarrassment and disappear but there
embarrassment and disappear but there
embarrassment and disappear but there was nowhere to go
was nowhere to go
was nowhere to go yes that was my father he thought he was
yes that was my father he thought he was
yes that was my father he thought he was being funny
am I the only one that grew up in a
am I the only one that grew up in a dysfunctional family where people said
dysfunctional family where people said
dysfunctional family where people said disparaging words I believed I was in a
disparaging words I believed I was in a
disparaging words I believed I was in a age after all they heard it all the time
age after all they heard it all the time
age after all they heard it all the time today I know it’s not true but as a
today I know it’s not true but as a
today I know it’s not true but as a child it was very real know that the
child it was very real know that the
child it was very real know that the word belief has a three letter word in
word belief has a three letter word in
word belief has a three letter word in the middle of it it’s the word lie it’s
the middle of it it’s the word lie it’s
the middle of it it’s the word lie it’s the lie you tell yourself studies have
the lie you tell yourself studies have
the lie you tell yourself studies have shown the 55 percent of your beliefs
shown the 55 percent of your beliefs
shown the 55 percent of your beliefs were formed by the time you’re 5 years
were formed by the time you’re 5 years
were formed by the time you’re 5 years old they were the seeds that were
old they were the seeds that were
old they were the seeds that were planted by well-meaning teachers
planted by well-meaning teachers
planted by well-meaning teachers preachers parents and guardians can we
preachers parents and guardians can we
preachers parents and guardians can we then conclude the other 45% of your
then conclude the other 45% of your
then conclude the other 45% of your beliefs for built on a shaky foundation
beliefs for built on a shaky foundation
beliefs for built on a shaky foundation to say the least
to say the least
to say the least I didn’t know that I can stand guard at
I didn’t know that I can stand guard at
I didn’t know that I can stand guard at the gate and decide whether or not to
the gate and decide whether or not to
the gate and decide whether or not to own something that didn’t serve me
own something that didn’t serve me
own something that didn’t serve me instead I chose to own what I was told I
instead I chose to own what I was told I
instead I chose to own what I was told I hated being called a H I would have
hated being called a H I would have
hated being called a H I would have loved it if my dad called me princess
loved it if my dad called me princess
loved it if my dad called me princess but that never happened your mind
but that never happened your mind
but that never happened your mind doesn’t know the difference between what
doesn’t know the difference between what
doesn’t know the difference between what is real and vividly imagined
is real and vividly imagined
is real and vividly imagined those powerful initials led me to look
those powerful initials led me to look
those powerful initials led me to look for different experiences that would
for different experiences that would
for different experiences that would validate my belief that I had no value
validate my belief that I had no value
validate my belief that I had no value and the lie I told myself was I wasn’t
and the lie I told myself was I wasn’t
and the lie I told myself was I wasn’t worthy of love understand your
worthy of love understand your
worthy of love understand your unconscious mind job is to help you get
unconscious mind job is to help you get
unconscious mind job is to help you get what you want faster and easier it
what you want faster and easier it
what you want faster and easier it doesn’t know the difference between fact
doesn’t know the difference between fact
doesn’t know the difference between fact and fiction are good and bad if you tell
and fiction are good and bad if you tell
and fiction are good and bad if you tell yourself something often enough you’ll
yourself something often enough you’ll
yourself something often enough you’ll believe it’s true another example of a
believe it’s true another example of a
believe it’s true another example of a self-fulfilling belief began when my
self-fulfilling belief began when my
self-fulfilling belief began when my mother said Lisa never trust a man I
constantly tried to prove her wrong but
constantly tried to prove her wrong but found men that would prove her right
found men that would prove her right
found men that would prove her right I was date raped at 16 attacked by an
I was date raped at 16 attacked by an
I was date raped at 16 attacked by an employer at 18 again at 19 as if by an
employer at 18 again at 19 as if by an
employer at 18 again at 19 as if by an associate clearly she was right so let’s
associate clearly she was right so let’s
associate clearly she was right so let’s go back to the beginning I chose to the
go back to the beginning I chose to the
go back to the beginning I chose to the accept the lies that I was an aah and
accept the lies that I was an aah and
accept the lies that I was an aah and men can’t be trusted those lies then
men can’t be trusted those lies then
men can’t be trusted those lies then gave rise to even more harmful beliefs I
gave rise to even more harmful beliefs I
gave rise to even more harmful beliefs I never thought I was good enough pretty
never thought I was good enough pretty
never thought I was good enough pretty enough smart enough skinny enough I got
enough smart enough skinny enough I got
enough smart enough skinny enough I got ulcers from the stress fell into
ulcers from the stress fell into
ulcers from the stress fell into depression became a compulsive overeater
depression became a compulsive overeater
depression became a compulsive overeater binge eater bulimic I constantly tried
binge eater bulimic I constantly tried
binge eater bulimic I constantly tried to stuff those agonizing feelings
to stuff those agonizing feelings
to stuff those agonizing feelings somewhere just to get rid of them the
somewhere just to get rid of them the
somewhere just to get rid of them the bitter cycle of self-sabotage became
bitter cycle of self-sabotage became
bitter cycle of self-sabotage became part of my life I was constantly
part of my life I was constantly
part of my life I was constantly hospitalized after 13 years I finally
hospitalized after 13 years I finally
hospitalized after 13 years I finally decided I had to stop the lies were
decided I had to stop the lies were
decided I had to stop the lies were killing me and my family was watching
killing me and my family was watching
killing me and my family was watching helplessly you see my parents are good
helplessly you see my parents are good
helplessly you see my parents are good people and I love them they just planted
people and I love them they just planted
people and I love them they just planted a few bad seeds along with many other
a few bad seeds along with many other
a few bad seeds along with many other valuable ones I’m sure you must have
valuable ones I’m sure you must have
valuable ones I’m sure you must have experienced something like this or done
experienced something like this or done
experienced something like this or done the same to someone you love I started
the same to someone you love I started
the same to someone you love I started to ponder why was it so easy to accept
to ponder why was it so easy to accept
to ponder why was it so easy to accept the negative ones it’s so hard to accept
the negative ones it’s so hard to accept
the negative ones it’s so hard to accept the positive as a matter of fact I only
the positive as a matter of fact I only
the positive as a matter of fact I only remember focusing on what was wrong and
remember focusing on what was wrong and
remember focusing on what was wrong and a hard time seeing what was right I’m
a hard time seeing what was right I’m
a hard time seeing what was right I’m living proof that the lies in your
living proof that the lies in your
living proof that the lies in your beliefs becomes self-fulfilling
beliefs becomes self-fulfilling
beliefs becomes self-fulfilling prophecies so let me ask you this how
prophecies so let me ask you this how
prophecies so let me ask you this how often are you telling yourself lies
often are you telling yourself lies
often are you telling yourself lies because of something that happened ten
because of something that happened ten
because of something that happened ten twenty thirty years ago how much longer
twenty thirty years ago how much longer
twenty thirty years ago how much longer do you want to hold on to them when
do you want to hold on to them when
do you want to hold on to them when would now be a good time to stop my
would now be a good time to stop my
would now be a good time to stop my truth is forty years ago when I was
truth is forty years ago when I was
truth is forty years ago when I was taught when I was told to never trust a
taught when I was told to never trust a
taught when I was told to never trust a man I found proof to make it true I’m
man I found proof to make it true I’m
man I found proof to make it true I’m not saying I asked to get raped but the
not saying I asked to get raped but the
not saying I asked to get raped but the unconscious fears led me towards bad
unconscious fears led me towards bad
unconscious fears led me towards bad decisions that resulted in years of
decisions that resulted in years of
decisions that resulted in years of shame blamin therapy so I stand before
shame blamin therapy so I stand before
shame blamin therapy so I stand before you today to ask you to show up for you
you today to ask you to show up for you
you today to ask you to show up for you stop the lies I stopped believing I was
stop the lies I stopped believing I was
stop the lies I stopped believing I was in a cage I showed up for me
in a cage I showed up for me
in a cage I showed up for me ironically enough look where we are now
ironically enough look where we are now
ironically enough look where we are now back in a movie theater today the voice
back in a movie theater today the voice
back in a movie theater today the voice I hear from across the room is Lisa
I hear from across the room is Lisa
I hear from across the room is Lisa you’re good enough do you hear it do you
you’re good enough do you hear it do you
you’re good enough do you hear it do you hear your own beliefs telling you you’re
hear your own beliefs telling you you’re
hear your own beliefs telling you you’re good enough to you see just like in the
good enough to you see just like in the
good enough to you see just like in the movies my story my love story ended up
movies my story my love story ended up
movies my story my love story ended up with a happily ever after I didn’t need
with a happily ever after I didn’t need
with a happily ever after I didn’t need my father to call me princess because I
my father to call me princess because I
my father to call me princess because I became one in the end on my own I met my
became one in the end on my own I met my
became one in the end on my own I met my handsome prince and you know what mom I
handsome prince and you know what mom I
handsome prince and you know what mom I can trust him as I tell you my story I’m
can trust him as I tell you my story I’m
can trust him as I tell you my story I’m sure you have your own from
sure you have your own from
sure you have your own from dysfunctional families to your own lives
dysfunctional families to your own lives
dysfunctional families to your own lives remember this the next time of belief
remember this the next time of belief
remember this the next time of belief makes you feel uncomfortable
makes you feel uncomfortable
makes you feel uncomfortable instead of saying what’s wrong with me
instead of saying what’s wrong with me
instead of saying what’s wrong with me ask yourself does this serve me if it
ask yourself does this serve me if it
ask yourself does this serve me if it does
does
does get rid of it those are the lies in
get rid of it those are the lies in
get rid of it those are the lies in disguise beliefs little lies you tell
disguise beliefs little lies you tell
disguise beliefs little lies you tell yourself make them empowering and let
yourself make them empowering and let
yourself make them empowering and let them inspire you thank you
them inspire you thank you
them inspire you thank you [Applause]
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