beauty standards changed constantly
that’s why they make so much makeup so
if you don’t like the way you can look
you can paint another person over you
and live as that person I think one of
the greatest evidences of change even
beauty standards is eyebrows eyebrows
have evolved faster than any living
organism eyebrows shed some light on the
beauty myths
but I think there’s one attribute of
beauty that blows it wide open as a
construct of a fickle mass-media and
that is but now we celebrate butts right
we live in a grand Kardashian era but
when I was growing up in the 80s and 90s
butts were different right butts were
flat and square and kind of geometric it
was a very new wave but time in the 80s
in fact I was watching a movie not too
long ago moving made in the 80s about
the 1950s grease y’all remember grease a
lot of butts of that nature by the way
turns out not a feminist film
I was watching that movie pretty sure
dude confesses to rape right at the gate
and they’re like wah bop a loo bop a la
bet they don’t care
this woman changes everything about
herself to get this man to love her
right and the last scene she’s poured in
that black lycra sausage casing and I
watched this movie when I was 12 years
old and I remember looking at Sandy in
that black lycra and looking at my own
quickly developing belly hips thighs but
thinking how am I gonna get my body to
look like that body how am I gonna get
what sandy gets how am I gonna get a gay
man to love me y’all
don’t worry I figured it out he just
Sparkle and be yourself and it’s not
like I couldn’t wear a black lycra
bodysuit
right that’s kind of the point of lycra
but he’s 1995 there were not options
that’s sexy for plus-size women in fact
there were one there’s one plus-size
option at my home mall the Clackamas
town center and that was lame Bryant
Lane Bryant is a store you shop out when
you want to look like a substitute
teacher it’s gotten better but back then
it was a lot of business casual just the
name Lane it’s not like a fun girl’s
name right hey do you want to go to a
party at lanes house Lane Bryant that
girl who Yelp’s her favorite teachers no
I’m good I don’t wanna go to that party
there’s a lot of Cardigan to sets a lot
of Blazers at that time and that’s what
I wore to middle school I looked bizarre
if I missed the day of school kids would
be like hey where’s Bree I think she had
a job interview
I think she’s temping HR was an HR look
very Karen from accounting looked very
weird not only that but when I go to the
mall with my friends I’d have to leave
them at the Abercrombie & Fitch end of
the mall and go to the weird end of the
mall with like the orthopedic shoes and
the summer sausage kiosk and I was 12
and my body was literally separating me
from people it was isolating I started
to feel different and I started to want
to cover myself up in fact I skipped the
swimming unit and P in PE because I
didn’t want anybody to see me in a
swimsuit I was 12 and I loved swimming I
was great at it – I never drowned at all
but it was isolating because I was
cursing my body at that time firfer for
keeping me away from my friends the
weird end of the mall from keeping me
out of the pool from keeping me out of
the central Danny and Sandy romance that
I thought wasn’t for me left alone
this perceived rejection I lost weight I
gained weight I hated myself I harmed
myself try to get very small right try
to suck in my gut all the time it’s like
cramps slowly through changes felt in
the world through changes I enacted in
my alone life things got a lot better
today 2017 I wear a bikini to the beach
and swim whenever I want I go to the
mall and I cram this fat backyard into
clothes I find at any store I want I got
this shirt at Baby Gap I think it looks
pretty cute I don’t try to get small I’m
a stand-up comedian I stand front and
center on stage and I tell audiences all
over the country that shame is for
suckers that no one in this house should
feel ashamed about the size of their
body or what their body looks like just
the smells everything else celebrate it
yes and whatever beauty standard is
leaving you out today
may it be thinness whiteness a focus on
youth on able bodies or binary gender
presentation you too can rid yourself of
these ideologies by using my three-step
method are you ready for these Oprah
style action items folks okay step one
fix your feed right start with the stuff
that’s under your control the average
person may see thousands of ads every
day images messages every day via mass
media at least take control of your
social media you see there’s this
beautiful word that the internet created
it’s melodious and it will be etched
into the scrolls of eternity it is
unfollow
right get rid of the language and
messages that other you and replace it
with the beauty you want to see my
Instagram feed today is only plus-size
models drag queens and professional
basketball players and it’s my favorite
place in the world after curating your
social media you can turn your attention
to the messages in your immediate
vicinity I’m embedding that some of your
loved ones uphold beauty standards that
other you to your face but did you know
you can tell those people to be quiet
which brings me to step two ask your
people to watch your mouth it sounds
scary but it can be very simple as this
mom your beauty standards are not my
beauty standards when you use language
that others me makes me feel left out
since we’re friends and our family I
knew you’d be willing to hear me out and
try your best thanks for listening see
you at brunch button it up at the end
and that’s an example of a very healthy
request but you can be rude I give you
function I know I’m like Oprah but a
villain once you’ve addressed your
social media and your well-intentioned
haters you can start cutting body
policing and unrealistic beauty
standards from your own brain and look
I’m not a therapist I can’t provide a
lot of help not a professional therapist
or even that good of a listener but I
can tell you to start talking
differently to yourself which brings me
to step 3 do stand-up comedy
hear me out what when I started stand-up
comedy I did the thing that a lot of
comedians do when they first start which
is to open with a joke denigrating the
way I look right but man I didn’t work
for all this body piece just a trash
talk myself to a bunch of strangers so
then I tried something different tried
telling jokes that made me feel big and
sexy and powerful and it was great and
the thing about being Santa comic is you
repeat these jokes over and over again
so every night I was saying these words
to myself and and hold
these words in my mouth and the message
sunk into my bones it works now on the
off chance that you do not want a life
of open mikes
chicken fingers and listening to 23 year
olds find themselves don’t do stand-up
comedy but do use the lesson that I
learned from stand-up comedy which is to
be impeccable with the words you use
when you speak on your body your shell
the bark of your tree because ultimately
when you strip away the Kardashians and
the pop culture and the lycra and the
business casual what you’re left with is
your body which is a vehicle to your
dreams so let’s talk about where you’re
going thank you
[Applause]
that’s why they make so much makeup so
if you don’t like the way you can look
you can paint another person over you
and live as that person I think one of
the greatest evidences of change even
beauty standards is eyebrows eyebrows
have evolved faster than any living
organism eyebrows shed some light on the
beauty myths
but I think there’s one attribute of
beauty that blows it wide open as a
construct of a fickle mass-media and
that is but now we celebrate butts right
we live in a grand Kardashian era but
when I was growing up in the 80s and 90s
butts were different right butts were
flat and square and kind of geometric it
was a very new wave but time in the 80s
in fact I was watching a movie not too
long ago moving made in the 80s about
the 1950s grease y’all remember grease a
lot of butts of that nature by the way
turns out not a feminist film
I was watching that movie pretty sure
dude confesses to rape right at the gate
and they’re like wah bop a loo bop a la
bet they don’t care
this woman changes everything about
herself to get this man to love her
right and the last scene she’s poured in
that black lycra sausage casing and I
watched this movie when I was 12 years
old and I remember looking at Sandy in
that black lycra and looking at my own
quickly developing belly hips thighs but
thinking how am I gonna get my body to
look like that body how am I gonna get
what sandy gets how am I gonna get a gay
man to love me y’all
don’t worry I figured it out he just
Sparkle and be yourself and it’s not
like I couldn’t wear a black lycra
bodysuit
right that’s kind of the point of lycra
but he’s 1995 there were not options
that’s sexy for plus-size women in fact
there were one there’s one plus-size
option at my home mall the Clackamas
town center and that was lame Bryant
Lane Bryant is a store you shop out when
you want to look like a substitute
teacher it’s gotten better but back then
it was a lot of business casual just the
name Lane it’s not like a fun girl’s
name right hey do you want to go to a
party at lanes house Lane Bryant that
girl who Yelp’s her favorite teachers no
I’m good I don’t wanna go to that party
there’s a lot of Cardigan to sets a lot
of Blazers at that time and that’s what
I wore to middle school I looked bizarre
if I missed the day of school kids would
be like hey where’s Bree I think she had
a job interview
I think she’s temping HR was an HR look
very Karen from accounting looked very
weird not only that but when I go to the
mall with my friends I’d have to leave
them at the Abercrombie & Fitch end of
the mall and go to the weird end of the
mall with like the orthopedic shoes and
the summer sausage kiosk and I was 12
and my body was literally separating me
from people it was isolating I started
to feel different and I started to want
to cover myself up in fact I skipped the
swimming unit and P in PE because I
didn’t want anybody to see me in a
swimsuit I was 12 and I loved swimming I
was great at it – I never drowned at all
but it was isolating because I was
cursing my body at that time firfer for
keeping me away from my friends the
weird end of the mall from keeping me
out of the pool from keeping me out of
the central Danny and Sandy romance that
I thought wasn’t for me left alone
this perceived rejection I lost weight I
gained weight I hated myself I harmed
myself try to get very small right try
to suck in my gut all the time it’s like
cramps slowly through changes felt in
the world through changes I enacted in
my alone life things got a lot better
today 2017 I wear a bikini to the beach
and swim whenever I want I go to the
mall and I cram this fat backyard into
clothes I find at any store I want I got
this shirt at Baby Gap I think it looks
pretty cute I don’t try to get small I’m
a stand-up comedian I stand front and
center on stage and I tell audiences all
over the country that shame is for
suckers that no one in this house should
feel ashamed about the size of their
body or what their body looks like just
the smells everything else celebrate it
yes and whatever beauty standard is
leaving you out today
may it be thinness whiteness a focus on
youth on able bodies or binary gender
presentation you too can rid yourself of
these ideologies by using my three-step
method are you ready for these Oprah
style action items folks okay step one
fix your feed right start with the stuff
that’s under your control the average
person may see thousands of ads every
day images messages every day via mass
media at least take control of your
social media you see there’s this
beautiful word that the internet created
it’s melodious and it will be etched
into the scrolls of eternity it is
unfollow
right get rid of the language and
messages that other you and replace it
with the beauty you want to see my
Instagram feed today is only plus-size
models drag queens and professional
basketball players and it’s my favorite
place in the world after curating your
social media you can turn your attention
to the messages in your immediate
vicinity I’m embedding that some of your
loved ones uphold beauty standards that
other you to your face but did you know
you can tell those people to be quiet
which brings me to step two ask your
people to watch your mouth it sounds
scary but it can be very simple as this
mom your beauty standards are not my
beauty standards when you use language
that others me makes me feel left out
since we’re friends and our family I
knew you’d be willing to hear me out and
try your best thanks for listening see
you at brunch button it up at the end
and that’s an example of a very healthy
request but you can be rude I give you
function I know I’m like Oprah but a
villain once you’ve addressed your
social media and your well-intentioned
haters you can start cutting body
policing and unrealistic beauty
standards from your own brain and look
I’m not a therapist I can’t provide a
lot of help not a professional therapist
or even that good of a listener but I
can tell you to start talking
differently to yourself which brings me
to step 3 do stand-up comedy
hear me out what when I started stand-up
comedy I did the thing that a lot of
comedians do when they first start which
is to open with a joke denigrating the
way I look right but man I didn’t work
for all this body piece just a trash
talk myself to a bunch of strangers so
then I tried something different tried
telling jokes that made me feel big and
sexy and powerful and it was great and
the thing about being Santa comic is you
repeat these jokes over and over again
so every night I was saying these words
to myself and and hold
these words in my mouth and the message
sunk into my bones it works now on the
off chance that you do not want a life
of open mikes
chicken fingers and listening to 23 year
olds find themselves don’t do stand-up
comedy but do use the lesson that I
learned from stand-up comedy which is to
be impeccable with the words you use
when you speak on your body your shell
the bark of your tree because ultimately
when you strip away the Kardashians and
the pop culture and the lycra and the
business casual what you’re left with is
your body which is a vehicle to your
dreams so let’s talk about where you’re
going thank you
[Applause]
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