[Applause]
she forgot one very important thing
which was extremely sweaty person if
you’re wondering like how do you get
through an event like this I had napkins
in my armpits earlier I was like someone
remind me to take these out but instead
they fell through the bottom of my skirt
so it’s just an efficient way of SWOT
absorption and that is the topic of my
talk tonight so it’s gonna be a good one
um I don’t know about the rest of you
but for me the year 2014 was a doozy
I miscarried my second child on October
3rd on October 8th my father died he had
had esophageal cancer for six months and
then it just went everywhere and on
November 25th my husband Aaron died of
brain cancer after three years and he
was 35 years old so as you can tell I’m
known for being the kind of woman who
just brings up the energy in any room
she steps into it’s not just you people
say that about me people are like we
shouldn’t be Nora over she’s so fun I’m
just like always talking about the worst
things we love it
so all of that happened and I was
completely fine I was fine I wrote a
book for HarperCollins
I started this nonprofit in honor of my
husband Aaron and eventually I started a
podcast with American public media so
what proof do you need that I haven’t
already given to you people ask you this
question a lot when your husband dies
and I answered always the same way that
I had answered since before my life fell
apart I said I’m fine duh I did this for
two reasons one because I didn’t think I
was lying I am if you if you can’t tell
I’m a white woman who is straight and
able-bodied and as most of her immediate
needs met so I am okay and two I knew it
was what everyone wanted to hear and you
know that too because at least once a
day
a co-worker asks how are you and they
don’t even wait for the answer and your
answer could be Janice thank you for
asking because I’m having a nervous
breakdown it doesn’t matter because
Janice is already in the conference room
okay she’s got the printouts she’s got
the dial-in she’s ready to start and I’m
guilty of that too I’m also a person who
has taken a huge and meaningful question
and reduced it to small talk if people
even asked me how I was at my husband’s
funeral
and I said I’m very sweaty and I wish I
was wearing more deodorant and that was
basically the most honest I was for a
very long time this is a very important
number I want all of you to look at it
commit it to memory make it a part of
your lives it’s my college GPA
[Laughter]
thank you I think that it’s a shame that
we worked so hard for four years and
then no one cares about that number
[Applause]
I’m I’m not okay with that I’m not okay
with dedicating so much time to
something that people will say you’re 34
take it off your resume why I’m not sure
I’ll take it off my resume I’ll put it
in a TED talk
[Applause]
I’m telling you this because I loved
getting good grades my entire life so
all of that stuff happened I lost that
many people and I thought I’m gonna go
and I’m gonna get an A in Greece why why
would it die right
I mean I’d gone from being a great
student to having a good career to being
a pretty good girlfriend to finding
myself in the unexpected role of cancer
wife which I was very good at Aaron and
I dated for one year before he was
sitting at work and he had a seizure at
his desk and he was rushed to the
emergency room where they did all kinds
of tests and they told us he has a brain
tumor and then we found out that the
kind of brain tumor you had was a stage
four glioblastoma which is a medical
term for very bad brain cancer I googled
it it’s really bad a month after his
first brain surgery Aaron and I got
married in this coca-cola commercial
a year after that we had our son Ralph
that’s good and then we just lived our
lives we worked 40 hours a week we took
2 weeks of PTO we separated our garbage
from the recycling we mowed our lawn we
just did life stuff and in between we
did the cancer stuff and those were the
hardest years of my life so far but they
were also the happiest years of my life
because I was doing a good job for Aaron
and right before he died when we’re
laying in bed a suddenly filled with
this wave of doubt and I asked him was I
any good at this like did I do a good
job for you and he said no you did a
great job so I got my a in cancer my
grief point average I just thought of
that but right my grief point average
was already pretty high but now I wanted
in a plus in grief itself and what would
that even mean I had no proximity to
traumatic loss my grandparents died and
that was sad but they were also old so
it wasn’t tragic the only reference I
had happened in 7th grade my Uncle Tom
worked construction and he had an
accident at work he fell and he was in a
coma and he died shortly thereafter this
was my mother’s little brother and I saw
my parent’s devastation when the
accident happened
I saw them fall apart when he died I saw
them weep at his funeral and then I
didn’t see anything and I know now that
it wasn’t over for my mother I know it
will never be over for my mother she is
Irish Catholic one of nine does not
super matter that the eight surviving
siblings are not all on speech
just like it’s a very complicated web of
who is and who isn’t cool with one
another but it doesn’t matter that is a
very deep and loyal love it’s always
there but what I saw was that grief ends
with the funeral when the casket closes
when the headstone is laid but Aaron was
cremated and he didn’t have a regular
funeral we filled an art space in
Northeast Minneapolis
with a thousand friends and family and I
think some strangers and we served
cheesecake and beer and wine and I had
too much of one of them and ended up at
an after-party at a karaoke bar where I
sang Meat Loaf’s anything for love it
you should be clapping because it’s 19
minutes long and it’s a duet and I sang
both parts
[Applause]
after explicitly being asked not to by
the staff get into that later so it
wasn’t over but it felt like it was and
I didn’t know where to go a hundred
years ago I would have taken a cue from
Queen Victoria and I would have dressed
all in black maybe four months maybe for
the rest of my life and that Widow
costume would have been a symbol and it
also would have been a signal to people
who knew me into total strangers like
that’s a woman who’s been through
something for sure maybe don’t engage
you never know what she’s going to cry
about but in 2014 Minneapolis when you
are a 31 year old widowed mother nothing
happens the rituals were done and the
grief was just beginning and the problem
was there wasn’t any time for it because
I live in a culture that is standardized
and compartmentalized Greece we have it
figured out in the immediate aftermath
of a loss okay it starts with hallmark
we are going to find something
nondenominational and vague maybe a
floral maybe a landscape it will not say
death dying dead or die in the card it
will offer sincere condolences or warm
condolences which to me sounds like a
baked good that I would love to eat like
I will take a warm condolence thank you
these are so flaky send me recipes we
feed you it doesn’t matter if you are
not hungry or if you have no appetite if
we see that your heart is broken we’ll
try to mend it with carbs and cheese we
will just heal you with a hot dish and
ask you to return the pan and then we’ll
show up in all black or something
appropriately morose and we will stand
around awkwardly and we will maybe
return to a basement in a building that
we only go to and something bad happens
and eat some ham sandwiches and then we
will just move on with our lives because
it’s over when you lose someone your
standard American grief process will go
something like this Tuesday your husband
dies I’m so sorry
Friday you’re gonna have the funeral and
then Monday you have to go back to work
and if you think I’m exaggerating I urge
you to review your HR policies because
most American companies offer five days
a bereavement leave when you lose your
spouse now it’s a different story if you
lose a parent or a child or a brother
because then you’ll get two days and if
you lose a grandparent or an uncle or a
best friend you could I suppose you some
use I suppose you could use some PTO or
maybe you’ll have a manager who looks
the other way and also this assumes that
you have a full-time salaried position
and if you don’t I guess you just don’t
get to be sad whatever specific grief
traditions your heritage has they have
to fit within that HR policy because
you’re hiring packet was very clear if
you lose the love of your life you will
report back to that cubicle within five
business days warm condolences the
problem here is not just our bereavement
policies or the fact that we live in a
culture that puts bereavement and policy
in the same sentence
it is this pervasive idea that we should
be good and we should be a
at something that is messy and is
impossible to master this is a news
story about Aaron’s obituary he and I
wrote it before he died and it went
viral and that kind of explains how I
ended up with a book and a podcast and
this talk that message went everywhere
that obituary fun fact they’re not fact
checked go home and write whatever you’d
like that obituary went everywhere and
then my inbox filled up and it was
filled with people who are basically
saying I am going through this awful
thing and I wish I were stronger I wish
I were more like you and I thought like
me the me who was filled with a hot
boiling lava of grief just below the
surface who lets it spill out
indiscriminately and burn bridges and
relationships from her past willy-nilly
the me who is so lonely she can’t get
into bed without half a bottle of wine
first or the me that I was presenting to
the world the me who was traveling the
me who was still putting on makeup the
me who pretty much looked as fine as she
said she was these people weren’t
spilling their guts to a stranger on the
internet because they didn’t have
friends and family they had friends and
family who assumed that this awful thing
was best left untie me was fine probably
because they said they were why in the
face of tragedy do we just return to
small talk why is it that I ask how you
are without wanting to know the answer
and you reply to me with a lie and I’m
not saying you should leave this
auditorium and go to Walgreens and
unload your emotional baggage on the
checkout person that’s not appropriate
and that’s what I do
that role is spoken for you’ll find your
own retail establishments okay what I am
saying is that loss is always lonely
it’s lonely even if you’re surrounded by
people who love you like I was and like
I somehow still am and I made that
lonelier myself every time I said fine I
put that word between me and the people
who loved me and I made it impossible
for them to see me or know me or help me
in any way I made myself this lonely
little prison and three years later I’m
still trying to break out of it like the
kool-aid man and I don’t want that for
you I don’t want that for anyone because
that was a commercial and it’s not as
easy as it looks truly I think it all
comes down to this everyone in this room
knows what it is like to lose someone
if you don’t just wait this is why I’m
so popular because I’m the kind of
person who will sit at dinner with you
and remind you that everyone you love is
going to die okay I will remind you that
sometimes parents have to bury their
children but children will always lose
their parents that the young died too
young and that the old died after
everyone they loved i’ma blast
McGreevy has taught me is that the
beauty of life is in moments like this
is in these moments of respite between
losses but also that there is beauty in
grief too and it is not something that
you were supposed to ace it’s not
something that you can ace it’s not
something to be rushed through it’s not
something to be cured and it isn’t small
talk so like what do we do what now
people always ask me that they’re
ignoring you know so many dead people
what do we do I do and I’m like I don’t
know I know that we need to stop acting
as if there’s a standard stand read is
that gugus stand Rid is that how you say
that word stand read I do know that we
need to stop acting as if there’s a
standard operating procedure for Greece
and like Greece would care if we made
one and I know that this question acts
as if there is so here is what I am
proposing I will swear that I won’t ask
you this question unless I actually want
to hear the answer if you will swear
that you won’t reply with anything
except the truth because everyone we
love will die and we can’t protect one
another from that we can’t shield each
other from that loss but we can do so
much better than just fine
you
[Applause]
she forgot one very important thing
which was extremely sweaty person if
you’re wondering like how do you get
through an event like this I had napkins
in my armpits earlier I was like someone
remind me to take these out but instead
they fell through the bottom of my skirt
so it’s just an efficient way of SWOT
absorption and that is the topic of my
talk tonight so it’s gonna be a good one
um I don’t know about the rest of you
but for me the year 2014 was a doozy
I miscarried my second child on October
3rd on October 8th my father died he had
had esophageal cancer for six months and
then it just went everywhere and on
November 25th my husband Aaron died of
brain cancer after three years and he
was 35 years old so as you can tell I’m
known for being the kind of woman who
just brings up the energy in any room
she steps into it’s not just you people
say that about me people are like we
shouldn’t be Nora over she’s so fun I’m
just like always talking about the worst
things we love it
so all of that happened and I was
completely fine I was fine I wrote a
book for HarperCollins
I started this nonprofit in honor of my
husband Aaron and eventually I started a
podcast with American public media so
what proof do you need that I haven’t
already given to you people ask you this
question a lot when your husband dies
and I answered always the same way that
I had answered since before my life fell
apart I said I’m fine duh I did this for
two reasons one because I didn’t think I
was lying I am if you if you can’t tell
I’m a white woman who is straight and
able-bodied and as most of her immediate
needs met so I am okay and two I knew it
was what everyone wanted to hear and you
know that too because at least once a
day
a co-worker asks how are you and they
don’t even wait for the answer and your
answer could be Janice thank you for
asking because I’m having a nervous
breakdown it doesn’t matter because
Janice is already in the conference room
okay she’s got the printouts she’s got
the dial-in she’s ready to start and I’m
guilty of that too I’m also a person who
has taken a huge and meaningful question
and reduced it to small talk if people
even asked me how I was at my husband’s
funeral
and I said I’m very sweaty and I wish I
was wearing more deodorant and that was
basically the most honest I was for a
very long time this is a very important
number I want all of you to look at it
commit it to memory make it a part of
your lives it’s my college GPA
[Laughter]
thank you I think that it’s a shame that
we worked so hard for four years and
then no one cares about that number
[Applause]
I’m I’m not okay with that I’m not okay
with dedicating so much time to
something that people will say you’re 34
take it off your resume why I’m not sure
I’ll take it off my resume I’ll put it
in a TED talk
[Applause]
I’m telling you this because I loved
getting good grades my entire life so
all of that stuff happened I lost that
many people and I thought I’m gonna go
and I’m gonna get an A in Greece why why
would it die right
I mean I’d gone from being a great
student to having a good career to being
a pretty good girlfriend to finding
myself in the unexpected role of cancer
wife which I was very good at Aaron and
I dated for one year before he was
sitting at work and he had a seizure at
his desk and he was rushed to the
emergency room where they did all kinds
of tests and they told us he has a brain
tumor and then we found out that the
kind of brain tumor you had was a stage
four glioblastoma which is a medical
term for very bad brain cancer I googled
it it’s really bad a month after his
first brain surgery Aaron and I got
married in this coca-cola commercial
a year after that we had our son Ralph
that’s good and then we just lived our
lives we worked 40 hours a week we took
2 weeks of PTO we separated our garbage
from the recycling we mowed our lawn we
just did life stuff and in between we
did the cancer stuff and those were the
hardest years of my life so far but they
were also the happiest years of my life
because I was doing a good job for Aaron
and right before he died when we’re
laying in bed a suddenly filled with
this wave of doubt and I asked him was I
any good at this like did I do a good
job for you and he said no you did a
great job so I got my a in cancer my
grief point average I just thought of
that but right my grief point average
was already pretty high but now I wanted
in a plus in grief itself and what would
that even mean I had no proximity to
traumatic loss my grandparents died and
that was sad but they were also old so
it wasn’t tragic the only reference I
had happened in 7th grade my Uncle Tom
worked construction and he had an
accident at work he fell and he was in a
coma and he died shortly thereafter this
was my mother’s little brother and I saw
my parent’s devastation when the
accident happened
I saw them fall apart when he died I saw
them weep at his funeral and then I
didn’t see anything and I know now that
it wasn’t over for my mother I know it
will never be over for my mother she is
Irish Catholic one of nine does not
super matter that the eight surviving
siblings are not all on speech
just like it’s a very complicated web of
who is and who isn’t cool with one
another but it doesn’t matter that is a
very deep and loyal love it’s always
there but what I saw was that grief ends
with the funeral when the casket closes
when the headstone is laid but Aaron was
cremated and he didn’t have a regular
funeral we filled an art space in
Northeast Minneapolis
with a thousand friends and family and I
think some strangers and we served
cheesecake and beer and wine and I had
too much of one of them and ended up at
an after-party at a karaoke bar where I
sang Meat Loaf’s anything for love it
you should be clapping because it’s 19
minutes long and it’s a duet and I sang
both parts
[Applause]
after explicitly being asked not to by
the staff get into that later so it
wasn’t over but it felt like it was and
I didn’t know where to go a hundred
years ago I would have taken a cue from
Queen Victoria and I would have dressed
all in black maybe four months maybe for
the rest of my life and that Widow
costume would have been a symbol and it
also would have been a signal to people
who knew me into total strangers like
that’s a woman who’s been through
something for sure maybe don’t engage
you never know what she’s going to cry
about but in 2014 Minneapolis when you
are a 31 year old widowed mother nothing
happens the rituals were done and the
grief was just beginning and the problem
was there wasn’t any time for it because
I live in a culture that is standardized
and compartmentalized Greece we have it
figured out in the immediate aftermath
of a loss okay it starts with hallmark
we are going to find something
nondenominational and vague maybe a
floral maybe a landscape it will not say
death dying dead or die in the card it
will offer sincere condolences or warm
condolences which to me sounds like a
baked good that I would love to eat like
I will take a warm condolence thank you
these are so flaky send me recipes we
feed you it doesn’t matter if you are
not hungry or if you have no appetite if
we see that your heart is broken we’ll
try to mend it with carbs and cheese we
will just heal you with a hot dish and
ask you to return the pan and then we’ll
show up in all black or something
appropriately morose and we will stand
around awkwardly and we will maybe
return to a basement in a building that
we only go to and something bad happens
and eat some ham sandwiches and then we
will just move on with our lives because
it’s over when you lose someone your
standard American grief process will go
something like this Tuesday your husband
dies I’m so sorry
Friday you’re gonna have the funeral and
then Monday you have to go back to work
and if you think I’m exaggerating I urge
you to review your HR policies because
most American companies offer five days
a bereavement leave when you lose your
spouse now it’s a different story if you
lose a parent or a child or a brother
because then you’ll get two days and if
you lose a grandparent or an uncle or a
best friend you could I suppose you some
use I suppose you could use some PTO or
maybe you’ll have a manager who looks
the other way and also this assumes that
you have a full-time salaried position
and if you don’t I guess you just don’t
get to be sad whatever specific grief
traditions your heritage has they have
to fit within that HR policy because
you’re hiring packet was very clear if
you lose the love of your life you will
report back to that cubicle within five
business days warm condolences the
problem here is not just our bereavement
policies or the fact that we live in a
culture that puts bereavement and policy
in the same sentence
it is this pervasive idea that we should
be good and we should be a
at something that is messy and is
impossible to master this is a news
story about Aaron’s obituary he and I
wrote it before he died and it went
viral and that kind of explains how I
ended up with a book and a podcast and
this talk that message went everywhere
that obituary fun fact they’re not fact
checked go home and write whatever you’d
like that obituary went everywhere and
then my inbox filled up and it was
filled with people who are basically
saying I am going through this awful
thing and I wish I were stronger I wish
I were more like you and I thought like
me the me who was filled with a hot
boiling lava of grief just below the
surface who lets it spill out
indiscriminately and burn bridges and
relationships from her past willy-nilly
the me who is so lonely she can’t get
into bed without half a bottle of wine
first or the me that I was presenting to
the world the me who was traveling the
me who was still putting on makeup the
me who pretty much looked as fine as she
said she was these people weren’t
spilling their guts to a stranger on the
internet because they didn’t have
friends and family they had friends and
family who assumed that this awful thing
was best left untie me was fine probably
because they said they were why in the
face of tragedy do we just return to
small talk why is it that I ask how you
are without wanting to know the answer
and you reply to me with a lie and I’m
not saying you should leave this
auditorium and go to Walgreens and
unload your emotional baggage on the
checkout person that’s not appropriate
and that’s what I do
that role is spoken for you’ll find your
own retail establishments okay what I am
saying is that loss is always lonely
it’s lonely even if you’re surrounded by
people who love you like I was and like
I somehow still am and I made that
lonelier myself every time I said fine I
put that word between me and the people
who loved me and I made it impossible
for them to see me or know me or help me
in any way I made myself this lonely
little prison and three years later I’m
still trying to break out of it like the
kool-aid man and I don’t want that for
you I don’t want that for anyone because
that was a commercial and it’s not as
easy as it looks truly I think it all
comes down to this everyone in this room
knows what it is like to lose someone
if you don’t just wait this is why I’m
so popular because I’m the kind of
person who will sit at dinner with you
and remind you that everyone you love is
going to die okay I will remind you that
sometimes parents have to bury their
children but children will always lose
their parents that the young died too
young and that the old died after
everyone they loved i’ma blast
McGreevy has taught me is that the
beauty of life is in moments like this
is in these moments of respite between
losses but also that there is beauty in
grief too and it is not something that
you were supposed to ace it’s not
something that you can ace it’s not
something to be rushed through it’s not
something to be cured and it isn’t small
talk so like what do we do what now
people always ask me that they’re
ignoring you know so many dead people
what do we do I do and I’m like I don’t
know I know that we need to stop acting
as if there’s a standard stand read is
that gugus stand Rid is that how you say
that word stand read I do know that we
need to stop acting as if there’s a
standard operating procedure for Greece
and like Greece would care if we made
one and I know that this question acts
as if there is so here is what I am
proposing I will swear that I won’t ask
you this question unless I actually want
to hear the answer if you will swear
that you won’t reply with anything
except the truth because everyone we
love will die and we can’t protect one
another from that we can’t shield each
other from that loss but we can do so
much better than just fine
you
[Applause]
Please follow and like us: