[Music]
the Soraa wind blows omens of disaster
black fog overcast on the horizon
premonitions make my bones shiver
slivers of light drown in this dark
atmosphere where every day is darker
than the last and nobody’s ever present
in the silver glass I asked for better
days but my wish is hollow no answer
ever follows bitter regret and sorrow is
too much to swallow tomorrow never comes
here in this dark atmosphere with only
sadness and fear it’s clear that I can’t
see my path clash with the devil I must
show their feelings the after math days
get colder but nobody ever gets older my
spirit collapsed from a burden too heavy
to shoulder the more I live here’s up
more I die slowly at first but faster
now desperate my soul clings to the
light as I wallow in the freight of
eternal night despite my fight I cannot
resist the cold that bites my bones
whenever the sorrel wind blows what’s up
everybody how you doing
[Applause]
so my name is Asante Houghton and I’m a
person who has lived with depression and
anxiety for the large majority of my
life also for the large majority of my
life I’ve been obsessed with stories and
words and the words used to construct
these stories so what I’m gonna do today
is I’m gonna use my words to construct
my story and let you know about I guess
what I have gone through in my life and
to tell you about how I was able to get
to the place I’m at today and also maybe
to think about how we can help other
young people who may be struggling get
the help that they need so this is it my
story chapter one in Genesis so when I
was a kid if you asked me what I wanted
to be when I grow up I will tell you I
wanted to be an adventurer I guess in my
mind I felt like Indiana Jones and I was
always trying to escape from something
you see growing up for me it wasn’t easy
at five years old I found myself living
in a shelter with my mom and my two
older brothers in from the shelter we
ended up in public housing and we never
it never had the opportunity to
celebrate things like birthdays and
Christmases and I remember peeling the
mold off of my toast and eating my
frosted flakes with roaches swimming in
the milk it was the only food that we
had my mom she was working in I didn’t
get to see her much and my father wasn’t
around and my brothers are much older so
they weren’t around so I spent a lot of
time alone but despite that at school
well I was a star on the field and I was
a star in the classroom as for birthday
parties I couldn’t afford my own but I
got invited to everybody else’s so in
elementary school I was kind of killing
it
well then one day my mom she came home
doing something I never seen her do
before she was crying she said that my
father had been stalking her and
threatened to kill her so that meant
that we had to move across the city to
an even more notorious housing project
and that meant all of a sudden I just
lost my friends I lost my community I
lost my home suddenly everything was
different but then grade 9 started and I
was able to make some friends and you
know that was good and then the summer
after great night I met my first
girlfriend and that was good too but
then you know a really tough day that
would change my life happened I remember
it very clearly it was a Sunday morning
and my brothers and I we were watching
the Eurocup soccer final between france
and italy and then we got a knock on the
door so then i went to the door and i
answered it and there were two men in
this uniform saying they’re from the
suicide crisis hotline and they were
looking for a lady named jasmine and i
thought this was really weird because
jasmine is my mom’s name but not
thinking anything of it let them in the
house went upstairs open my mom’s
bedroom door now what do we find but our
mom on the floor she’s crying
pill scattered around her say she
doesn’t want to go on anymore and it
felt like a wrecking ball hit me in the
wall upon which all of my beliefs about
the world that wall was shattered and I
kept thinking wake up wake up but there
was nothing to wake up from this was
real this was really happening my mother
wanted to end her life it was on that
day that everything changed
chapter 2
into the darkness so they took my mom to
the hospital they gave her a
prescription for antidepressants they
sent her home we thought everything
would be okay
well we were wrong over the next year my
mom would spend a lot of time in and out
of the hospital slowly deteriorating and
then the conspiracy theory started she
imagined that the government was after
us and they had cars outside the house
watching us so she put sheets up over
all the windows so no one can see inside
she started to hallucinate and hear
voices and
she stopped eating and sleeping almost
completely and by the time you know
summer after grade 10 my brothers and I
we saw that she was deteriorating really
fast so we had to do something to keep
her mother alive so we went to KFC and
got a big bucket of chicken
and we sat around the table coming up
with a plan and then we went home and
the next day we executed that plan and
we called 911 said we lied to them and
said our mom is a danger to herself
they came immediately saw how bad she
was boom right into the back of the
ambulance straight to the hospital
when she arrived my mom she weighed 85
pounds standing at 5 foot 10 so she
wasn’t doing very well at all but this
time after several appearances of the
hospital they finally decided to keep
her
she got a diagnosis and her treatment
started she finally started to do to do
a little bit better
chapter 3 no candles in the twilight so
now my mom was in the hospital and she
was slowly improving so I was able to
shift the spotlight from her now on to
myself I realized something wasn’t rape
anxiety kept me from leaving the house
anxiety kept me from engaging with
anybody else or you know having a social
life and I spent all of my time in my
basement playing video games and reading
books losing myself in these fantasy
worlds and these stories because in my
world and my story
nothing was okay so then from there what
happened well you know I wanted to
figure out what was happening with me
you know I had all these really
difficult thoughts as well I was in my
mind I was a loser and I was unlovable
and I had to figure it out so I did what
anybody in high school would have done
in that moment and I started to watch
dr. Phil
and so spent a lot of time watching dr.
Phil oh and after about six months of my
daily practice I was still feeling
anxious and still feeling very depressed
but I did learn about this thing called
self-talk self-talk is what you say to
yourself in your head the things that
only you can hear but you think
everybody else in the world is thinking
and I started to pay attention to myself
talk and it was like being strapped down
in this chair listening to this really
loud recording about this horrible ugly
unlovable loser of a person except the
voice is my voice the person was me no
wonder I felt the way that I felt but
you know I wanted to beat that voice and
prove that voice wrong and at 16 years
old the way I felt
I could do that was to get a girlfriend
so that became my mission in life but
not just any girl I had a crush on this
girl from my grade 10 science class you
know over the summer time so I thought
when I go back to school in November or
in September it’s gonna go down but I
had one problem I didn’t know how to
talk to girls at all what I did have a
plan so my oldest brother he’s this
really charming guy and he had a lot of
people calling the house all the time
we’re gonna call them friends and so he
had these girls calling the house all
the time and I noticed this and he
answered the phone and it would be like
hello and then his voice would drop
octave what’s up this point he was
talking to a girl so I ran up the stairs
and I took up the other end as receiver
real slowly yeah he be saying all these
things to the girls and know the same
things to different girls and I was
working right so logically I started to
write it down
[Laughter]
so anyway September rolls around and lo
and behold this girl ends ends up in my
first period class I’m like yes and you
know I guess where I’m going with this
is that we hit it off and we start to go
out and you know she was really cool and
she was funny and she was smart and most
importantly she treated me really well
but did this solve any of my problems
no I still had debilitating anxiety I
was still feeling uh you know these um
the effects of the depression you know
and eventually as we got closer I pulled
away because I didn’t want to explain to
her what was happening with me or the
fact that I have a mom that hears voices
so then you know the love life thing
didn’t work out I thought what if I
became good at something maybe I feel
better so I started to rap I became good
at that didn’t feel better
started to play basketball became good
at that didn’t really feel better then I
started school in university first year
and it was a huge culture shock for me I
felt like I was just this poor black kid
from the projects in this place where I
didn’t feel like you know not a lot of
people looked like me and I assumed
everyone came from you know privilege to
parent background you know the white
picket fence and the dog all that and it
just made me feel more alone and just
exacerbated the feelings of anxiety and
depression but a good thing happened
that first year I started to take
psychology and I learned that I wasn’t
the problem I had something called
depression and anxiety and it could be
treated and I started to hope chapter
four chasing dreams so now second year
university yeah I thought I had it all I
had a job at a nightclub and you know
now I was making some money and I had to
close and you know I had like a bunch of
friends you know I was living the life
except I felt worse than ever and every
day I thought about you know doing the
unthinkable and taking my own life but
then something happened that would
change all of that
my best friend’s mom runs a daycare out
of her apartment and I really like kids
so I’d go over there all the time just
to hang out and help out with the kids
and I remember being
there one time sitting on the couch and
watching the kids they were playing and
I watched and it just looked so happy
and they looked so alive and I thought I
want to be able to feel that again one
day so at that point I committed to
doing anything to feel alive again I
started to see a therapist and she
helped me more in six months then I was
able to help myself in over six years
she helped me identify things that I
didn’t realize I was experiencing as
trauma the domestic violence that
happened between my parents not having
my mother or my father around growing up
you know the the fact that I grew up in
this neighborhood where there was you
know crime and poverty and all these
difficult things that you know I didn’t
realize all this was happening inside of
me watching my mom almost died this was
all traumatic so at that point you know
she was able to say if we work you can
develop the coping skills and you can
get better so I said that’s cool let’s
do it let’s do the work and then I
started to get better and better and
that I started to feel a lot better from
there I was able to finish my my
university degree and now I have a great
job I’ve great friends and my mom is
doing really well and she’s working and
my father is even back in my life and
I’ve been able to do all these really
cool amazing things I’ve been on TV a
bunch of times I’ve been in the
newspapers I’ve been in a documentary
now I’ve been traveling the world I’ve
been speaking to thousands of people in
Colombia higher than the US you know
just this past year there was an event
and the Prime Minister’s wife was
supposed to speak and she wasn’t able to
make it so guess what they call
so here I am now doing a TED talk like
whoa so the most important thing the
best thing is I got to go home every day
to a lovely wife so my life right now is
pretty damn dope but you know my story
it’s a common story for a lot of kids
around the world but the ending of my
story is not very common most young
people who have story similar to mine
don’t have a happy ending so what can we
do then to do better for these young
people and I thought about what if we
said to them instead of saying what’s
wrong with you what if we said what’s
wrong what if we designed our services
to be more proactive than reactive what
if instead of waiting for them to show
up on our doorsteps we went and we
showed up on theirs I think these things
could make a huge difference so I
challenge any adults who might be
listening
to make space for young people to tell
their stories and for young people who
might be struggling to tell your stories
because I think stories can save lives I
know that telling mine was able to save
my life and I’m glad that I had the
opportunity because I used to pray to
God to bring an end to the rain I’m
wondering if there would ever be an end
to the pain I’m feeling like God why
don’t you remember my name to the point
I didn’t believe in heaven and sing I
lost faith even though one never should
yeah I had it horrible I should have
understood it was all the tests that
would make me stronger but it hit harder
than a dunk by Vince Carter as they grew
larger right tried to find the solutions
to the mental pollution my personal
revolution through music and support
from my friends and my family I got to
overcome the depression and tragedy far
from living lavishly but rich in my
spirit now whenever I pray I know that
God hears it nothing comes near it this
happiness I feel now everything I
dreamed for feels like it’s real now
[Applause]
[Music]
you
[Music]
the Soraa wind blows omens of disaster
black fog overcast on the horizon
premonitions make my bones shiver
slivers of light drown in this dark
atmosphere where every day is darker
than the last and nobody’s ever present
in the silver glass I asked for better
days but my wish is hollow no answer
ever follows bitter regret and sorrow is
too much to swallow tomorrow never comes
here in this dark atmosphere with only
sadness and fear it’s clear that I can’t
see my path clash with the devil I must
show their feelings the after math days
get colder but nobody ever gets older my
spirit collapsed from a burden too heavy
to shoulder the more I live here’s up
more I die slowly at first but faster
now desperate my soul clings to the
light as I wallow in the freight of
eternal night despite my fight I cannot
resist the cold that bites my bones
whenever the sorrel wind blows what’s up
everybody how you doing
[Applause]
so my name is Asante Houghton and I’m a
person who has lived with depression and
anxiety for the large majority of my
life also for the large majority of my
life I’ve been obsessed with stories and
words and the words used to construct
these stories so what I’m gonna do today
is I’m gonna use my words to construct
my story and let you know about I guess
what I have gone through in my life and
to tell you about how I was able to get
to the place I’m at today and also maybe
to think about how we can help other
young people who may be struggling get
the help that they need so this is it my
story chapter one in Genesis so when I
was a kid if you asked me what I wanted
to be when I grow up I will tell you I
wanted to be an adventurer I guess in my
mind I felt like Indiana Jones and I was
always trying to escape from something
you see growing up for me it wasn’t easy
at five years old I found myself living
in a shelter with my mom and my two
older brothers in from the shelter we
ended up in public housing and we never
it never had the opportunity to
celebrate things like birthdays and
Christmases and I remember peeling the
mold off of my toast and eating my
frosted flakes with roaches swimming in
the milk it was the only food that we
had my mom she was working in I didn’t
get to see her much and my father wasn’t
around and my brothers are much older so
they weren’t around so I spent a lot of
time alone but despite that at school
well I was a star on the field and I was
a star in the classroom as for birthday
parties I couldn’t afford my own but I
got invited to everybody else’s so in
elementary school I was kind of killing
it
well then one day my mom she came home
doing something I never seen her do
before she was crying she said that my
father had been stalking her and
threatened to kill her so that meant
that we had to move across the city to
an even more notorious housing project
and that meant all of a sudden I just
lost my friends I lost my community I
lost my home suddenly everything was
different but then grade 9 started and I
was able to make some friends and you
know that was good and then the summer
after great night I met my first
girlfriend and that was good too but
then you know a really tough day that
would change my life happened I remember
it very clearly it was a Sunday morning
and my brothers and I we were watching
the Eurocup soccer final between france
and italy and then we got a knock on the
door so then i went to the door and i
answered it and there were two men in
this uniform saying they’re from the
suicide crisis hotline and they were
looking for a lady named jasmine and i
thought this was really weird because
jasmine is my mom’s name but not
thinking anything of it let them in the
house went upstairs open my mom’s
bedroom door now what do we find but our
mom on the floor she’s crying
pill scattered around her say she
doesn’t want to go on anymore and it
felt like a wrecking ball hit me in the
wall upon which all of my beliefs about
the world that wall was shattered and I
kept thinking wake up wake up but there
was nothing to wake up from this was
real this was really happening my mother
wanted to end her life it was on that
day that everything changed
chapter 2
into the darkness so they took my mom to
the hospital they gave her a
prescription for antidepressants they
sent her home we thought everything
would be okay
well we were wrong over the next year my
mom would spend a lot of time in and out
of the hospital slowly deteriorating and
then the conspiracy theory started she
imagined that the government was after
us and they had cars outside the house
watching us so she put sheets up over
all the windows so no one can see inside
she started to hallucinate and hear
voices and
she stopped eating and sleeping almost
completely and by the time you know
summer after grade 10 my brothers and I
we saw that she was deteriorating really
fast so we had to do something to keep
her mother alive so we went to KFC and
got a big bucket of chicken
and we sat around the table coming up
with a plan and then we went home and
the next day we executed that plan and
we called 911 said we lied to them and
said our mom is a danger to herself
they came immediately saw how bad she
was boom right into the back of the
ambulance straight to the hospital
when she arrived my mom she weighed 85
pounds standing at 5 foot 10 so she
wasn’t doing very well at all but this
time after several appearances of the
hospital they finally decided to keep
her
she got a diagnosis and her treatment
started she finally started to do to do
a little bit better
chapter 3 no candles in the twilight so
now my mom was in the hospital and she
was slowly improving so I was able to
shift the spotlight from her now on to
myself I realized something wasn’t rape
anxiety kept me from leaving the house
anxiety kept me from engaging with
anybody else or you know having a social
life and I spent all of my time in my
basement playing video games and reading
books losing myself in these fantasy
worlds and these stories because in my
world and my story
nothing was okay so then from there what
happened well you know I wanted to
figure out what was happening with me
you know I had all these really
difficult thoughts as well I was in my
mind I was a loser and I was unlovable
and I had to figure it out so I did what
anybody in high school would have done
in that moment and I started to watch
dr. Phil
and so spent a lot of time watching dr.
Phil oh and after about six months of my
daily practice I was still feeling
anxious and still feeling very depressed
but I did learn about this thing called
self-talk self-talk is what you say to
yourself in your head the things that
only you can hear but you think
everybody else in the world is thinking
and I started to pay attention to myself
talk and it was like being strapped down
in this chair listening to this really
loud recording about this horrible ugly
unlovable loser of a person except the
voice is my voice the person was me no
wonder I felt the way that I felt but
you know I wanted to beat that voice and
prove that voice wrong and at 16 years
old the way I felt
I could do that was to get a girlfriend
so that became my mission in life but
not just any girl I had a crush on this
girl from my grade 10 science class you
know over the summer time so I thought
when I go back to school in November or
in September it’s gonna go down but I
had one problem I didn’t know how to
talk to girls at all what I did have a
plan so my oldest brother he’s this
really charming guy and he had a lot of
people calling the house all the time
we’re gonna call them friends and so he
had these girls calling the house all
the time and I noticed this and he
answered the phone and it would be like
hello and then his voice would drop
octave what’s up this point he was
talking to a girl so I ran up the stairs
and I took up the other end as receiver
real slowly yeah he be saying all these
things to the girls and know the same
things to different girls and I was
working right so logically I started to
write it down
[Laughter]
so anyway September rolls around and lo
and behold this girl ends ends up in my
first period class I’m like yes and you
know I guess where I’m going with this
is that we hit it off and we start to go
out and you know she was really cool and
she was funny and she was smart and most
importantly she treated me really well
but did this solve any of my problems
no I still had debilitating anxiety I
was still feeling uh you know these um
the effects of the depression you know
and eventually as we got closer I pulled
away because I didn’t want to explain to
her what was happening with me or the
fact that I have a mom that hears voices
so then you know the love life thing
didn’t work out I thought what if I
became good at something maybe I feel
better so I started to rap I became good
at that didn’t feel better
started to play basketball became good
at that didn’t really feel better then I
started school in university first year
and it was a huge culture shock for me I
felt like I was just this poor black kid
from the projects in this place where I
didn’t feel like you know not a lot of
people looked like me and I assumed
everyone came from you know privilege to
parent background you know the white
picket fence and the dog all that and it
just made me feel more alone and just
exacerbated the feelings of anxiety and
depression but a good thing happened
that first year I started to take
psychology and I learned that I wasn’t
the problem I had something called
depression and anxiety and it could be
treated and I started to hope chapter
four chasing dreams so now second year
university yeah I thought I had it all I
had a job at a nightclub and you know
now I was making some money and I had to
close and you know I had like a bunch of
friends you know I was living the life
except I felt worse than ever and every
day I thought about you know doing the
unthinkable and taking my own life but
then something happened that would
change all of that
my best friend’s mom runs a daycare out
of her apartment and I really like kids
so I’d go over there all the time just
to hang out and help out with the kids
and I remember being
there one time sitting on the couch and
watching the kids they were playing and
I watched and it just looked so happy
and they looked so alive and I thought I
want to be able to feel that again one
day so at that point I committed to
doing anything to feel alive again I
started to see a therapist and she
helped me more in six months then I was
able to help myself in over six years
she helped me identify things that I
didn’t realize I was experiencing as
trauma the domestic violence that
happened between my parents not having
my mother or my father around growing up
you know the the fact that I grew up in
this neighborhood where there was you
know crime and poverty and all these
difficult things that you know I didn’t
realize all this was happening inside of
me watching my mom almost died this was
all traumatic so at that point you know
she was able to say if we work you can
develop the coping skills and you can
get better so I said that’s cool let’s
do it let’s do the work and then I
started to get better and better and
that I started to feel a lot better from
there I was able to finish my my
university degree and now I have a great
job I’ve great friends and my mom is
doing really well and she’s working and
my father is even back in my life and
I’ve been able to do all these really
cool amazing things I’ve been on TV a
bunch of times I’ve been in the
newspapers I’ve been in a documentary
now I’ve been traveling the world I’ve
been speaking to thousands of people in
Colombia higher than the US you know
just this past year there was an event
and the Prime Minister’s wife was
supposed to speak and she wasn’t able to
make it so guess what they call
so here I am now doing a TED talk like
whoa so the most important thing the
best thing is I got to go home every day
to a lovely wife so my life right now is
pretty damn dope but you know my story
it’s a common story for a lot of kids
around the world but the ending of my
story is not very common most young
people who have story similar to mine
don’t have a happy ending so what can we
do then to do better for these young
people and I thought about what if we
said to them instead of saying what’s
wrong with you what if we said what’s
wrong what if we designed our services
to be more proactive than reactive what
if instead of waiting for them to show
up on our doorsteps we went and we
showed up on theirs I think these things
could make a huge difference so I
challenge any adults who might be
listening
to make space for young people to tell
their stories and for young people who
might be struggling to tell your stories
because I think stories can save lives I
know that telling mine was able to save
my life and I’m glad that I had the
opportunity because I used to pray to
God to bring an end to the rain I’m
wondering if there would ever be an end
to the pain I’m feeling like God why
don’t you remember my name to the point
I didn’t believe in heaven and sing I
lost faith even though one never should
yeah I had it horrible I should have
understood it was all the tests that
would make me stronger but it hit harder
than a dunk by Vince Carter as they grew
larger right tried to find the solutions
to the mental pollution my personal
revolution through music and support
from my friends and my family I got to
overcome the depression and tragedy far
from living lavishly but rich in my
spirit now whenever I pray I know that
God hears it nothing comes near it this
happiness I feel now everything I
dreamed for feels like it’s real now
[Applause]
[Music]
you
[Music]
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