I know you are weary I know you are
scared there’s nothing I won’t do for
you there’s nothing I won’t bear the CT
scan showed a tumor the size of a
grapefruit on my mom’s abdomen the
doctor wanted to operate immediately and
as soon as possible after that start
frontline chemo she was 67 years old I
was headed to an extended gig in the
Middle East my two guitars in duffel
bags sat on the floor of my New York
apartment I unpacked repacked and was on
the next train home when she found out
she had a stomach full of cancer it was
the last day that she was herself yeah
it hit us like Hammer sometimes in life
you have a choice sometimes
no-no-no so I moved into my childhood
room and I put down my guitar and I
didn’t pick it up again for another year
and a half I became my mom’s primary
caregiver and getting her through each
day took all of my energy and focus
never-ending meetings with doctors then
labyrinth of medical decisions to
navigate not to mention her day to day
care and side-effects to manage No
there’d be no more writing songs but I
kept notes the songs I wanted to write
should I ever get back to music or
somehow find my way through this new
landscape of loss my mom felt guilty for
getting cancer she felt as though she
was a burden on me and the family and no
matter how many times I told her that
she wasn’t wasn’t her fault
it was like the words never sank in
finally eventually she went into her
first remission and I got a few weeks to
myself I pulled out my notes and I
started writing songs and that first
song you heard nothing I won’t bear was
yet another attempt to tell her that all
I wanted to do was be there by her side
I got home I played that song for her
and it was it was like the music and the
lyrics went straight to her heart we
never had to have that conversation
let’s do loss better loss is a thread
that’s woven through our lives it’s
everywhere how many of you have lost a
beloved pet lost a job lost a close
friendship or two maybe have a person in
your life die or know someone who’s been
through that experience it’s evident to
live is to lose there’s no escaping loss
not our own or other people’s let’s face
it we do loss pretty badly we don’t know
what to do and say when someone’s going
through grief we just want to get
through it and away from it it’s
uncomfortable and as soon as our life
goes back to normal the crisis is over
we don’t think about loss at all I mean
why would we what are the consequences
of doing loss so poorly among other
things people feel alone the reffed
like they’re underwater so I felt when I
was taking care of my mom especially as
her illness wore on it was like I was in
some strange vacuum people close to me
giving me space space I’m going through
the hardest thing I’ve ever been through
in my entire life and you’re giving me
space I literally lost count of the
number of people who came up to me and
said I really wanted to be in touch I
know you’ve been having a hard time with
your mom but I didn’t know what to say
it didn’t know what to do I didn’t want
to bring it up or make it worse bring it
up it was up make it worse there’s no
way you could have listened I too used
to act the same way back before my mom
got cancer I didn’t know what to do and
say when someone I knew was going
through grief I wished I did I wanted to
be helpful but every impulse I had felt
awkward or off I mean should I send a
text or an email is that appropriate at
a time like this what about Facebook
Facebook maybe I’ll screw up my courage
and call them on the phone and say what
don’t pray and at this point in our
cultural conversation that phrase is
tired what about doing something for
someone everything I wanted to do felt
intrusive sure I’d mouth that
sickeningly familiar phrase let me know
what I can do to help as if that was a
kind of helping full well knowing they’d
never take me up on the offer it was
just another thing they’d have to decide
when who was I was I even close enough
to them a good enough friend to be
involved at such an awful moment no I’d
say nothing convincing myself that at
least then I wasn’t making a bad
situation worse and then I’d let myself
get distracted by my life maybe even on
purpose to avoid the whole scary topic
of mortality and it would all fade away
until the next loss came around even in
the middle of my mom’s illness
when I was quarterbacking all of her
care driving her to the hospital
week after week sitting with her in the
chemo suite for hours while the clear
plastic bag drip toxic liquid into the
port on her chest and I knew everything
there was to know about the state of her
heart in the state of her head and the
state of her health even I sometimes
didn’t know what to do and say to my
very own mother that’s where being able
to write songs came in handy I’m scared
and you’re brave I’m free you’re caught
we’re fighting a battle we’ve already
lost we are living every minute of your
dying day the last days of my mom’s life
a family friend brought over dinner
didn’t ask if she could she just showed
up walked through the front door put two
brown paper bags down on the kitchen
counter turned around and walked out
I bet this felt risky for her to do she
couldn’t be sure how many people were in
the house what we like to eat will ravit
in vegetarian gluten-free or if there’d
be enough food to go around let me tell
you right now
that simple gift of showing up with food
ready to eat was a godsend
it meant I didn’t have to think about
the rest of my day my mom was actively
dying the hospice nurse said she’d be
gone within 24 hours we weren’t glued to
her bedside my dad my brothers and their
families and my mom’s sisters
I was giving her morphine every couple
of hours we were wiping her forehead in
the corners of her mouth it meant that
we could go downstairs when we needed to
and wanted to and sit down together and
have a meal I’ll never forget it it was
such a relief and relief is all that a
grieving person once in this world it
learned a lot from actions like these
there are simple things you can do to
show up for your loved ones things
that’ll make them feel seen and
supported because it’s not about you and
what you’re worried about
it’s about them and what they’re going
through I’ve got three simple things I
want to share with you tonight things
that’ll make them feel loved these are
the things that I once didn’t know how
to do and through the process of losing
my mom I figured out how to do them and
now whenever anyone around me is going
through something tough I pick one of
these three things and I do it they’re
reliable and they work so number one do
send a text or an email or call and say
simply this this must be so difficult
for you I can’t imagine what you’re
going through I’m sending you my love no
need to respond you don’t need to say
anything groundbreaking here just be
honest
loss sucks and it’s different for
everyone speak to that and be sure to
tell them that they don’t need to get
back to you it’s a busy and strange time
for them let them off the hook they’ll
be so grateful that you did number two
just go and do a tour or an errand for
them something simple
don’t ask their permission to show up
and do it take the dogs for a walk fold
the laundry clean the kitchen floor pick
up the dry-cleaning take the kids out
for ice-cream just one act that gives
them a moment of peace or a break from
their busy time I can imagine you’re
thinking but I live so far away how do I
do that you can figure it out
you’re more resourceful than you know
call a dog walking service call and get
the dry-cleaning delivered find someone
who does live nearby and have them take
the kids for the afternoon you can
figure it out number three make or buy a
big mac and cheese casserole and drop it
off at their house but you need a right
then they can put in the fridge they can
freeze it for later listen we all gotta
eat even those of us wracked by grief
and if you don’t live nearby this one’s
easy
call and get pizza delivered I’m pretty
sure there’s a local pizza place or a
Domino’s within striking distance of
every house on the planet oh my god
remember that time when you dropped off
the casserole after my mom’s funeral I
hated you when you did that said no one
ever I even dropped off the casserole
after my friend’s dog died listen it’s
been three years since my mom passed
away and at the end of her life she was
sent so many flowers they were beautiful
they covered practically every surface
in our house but you know one of the
things I remember most of all was that
chicken noodle soup and the pasta with
red sauce it came out of those brown
paper bags find the courage to show up
for your grieving friend it might feel
awkward or like you’re gonna get it
wrong risk getting it wrong
don’t dwell on the voices of doubt in
your head just pick one of these three
things and do it don’t be silent don’t
be absent from their lives stop thinking
stop thinking about it just act your
grieving friend needs you to know you
can’t fix what they’re going through you
can’t make it so the marriage didn’t
fall apart you can’t bring back the
person they’ve lost but you can show up
for them in a real way that doesn’t put
the burden on them loss is all around us
and now you know three ways to do it
better you don’t have to fight the good
fight for me what’s it gonna take you
believe me believe me yeah when your
world’s been blown apart got your back I
got your heart you don’t have to fight
the good fight from me we all know
someone who’s going through something
tough right now go say something to them
go do something for them maybe even
something as intrusive as dropping off a
[Applause]
[Music] you
scared there’s nothing I won’t do for
you there’s nothing I won’t bear the CT
scan showed a tumor the size of a
grapefruit on my mom’s abdomen the
doctor wanted to operate immediately and
as soon as possible after that start
frontline chemo she was 67 years old I
was headed to an extended gig in the
Middle East my two guitars in duffel
bags sat on the floor of my New York
apartment I unpacked repacked and was on
the next train home when she found out
she had a stomach full of cancer it was
the last day that she was herself yeah
it hit us like Hammer sometimes in life
you have a choice sometimes
no-no-no so I moved into my childhood
room and I put down my guitar and I
didn’t pick it up again for another year
and a half I became my mom’s primary
caregiver and getting her through each
day took all of my energy and focus
never-ending meetings with doctors then
labyrinth of medical decisions to
navigate not to mention her day to day
care and side-effects to manage No
there’d be no more writing songs but I
kept notes the songs I wanted to write
should I ever get back to music or
somehow find my way through this new
landscape of loss my mom felt guilty for
getting cancer she felt as though she
was a burden on me and the family and no
matter how many times I told her that
she wasn’t wasn’t her fault
it was like the words never sank in
finally eventually she went into her
first remission and I got a few weeks to
myself I pulled out my notes and I
started writing songs and that first
song you heard nothing I won’t bear was
yet another attempt to tell her that all
I wanted to do was be there by her side
I got home I played that song for her
and it was it was like the music and the
lyrics went straight to her heart we
never had to have that conversation
let’s do loss better loss is a thread
that’s woven through our lives it’s
everywhere how many of you have lost a
beloved pet lost a job lost a close
friendship or two maybe have a person in
your life die or know someone who’s been
through that experience it’s evident to
live is to lose there’s no escaping loss
not our own or other people’s let’s face
it we do loss pretty badly we don’t know
what to do and say when someone’s going
through grief we just want to get
through it and away from it it’s
uncomfortable and as soon as our life
goes back to normal the crisis is over
we don’t think about loss at all I mean
why would we what are the consequences
of doing loss so poorly among other
things people feel alone the reffed
like they’re underwater so I felt when I
was taking care of my mom especially as
her illness wore on it was like I was in
some strange vacuum people close to me
giving me space space I’m going through
the hardest thing I’ve ever been through
in my entire life and you’re giving me
space I literally lost count of the
number of people who came up to me and
said I really wanted to be in touch I
know you’ve been having a hard time with
your mom but I didn’t know what to say
it didn’t know what to do I didn’t want
to bring it up or make it worse bring it
up it was up make it worse there’s no
way you could have listened I too used
to act the same way back before my mom
got cancer I didn’t know what to do and
say when someone I knew was going
through grief I wished I did I wanted to
be helpful but every impulse I had felt
awkward or off I mean should I send a
text or an email is that appropriate at
a time like this what about Facebook
Facebook maybe I’ll screw up my courage
and call them on the phone and say what
don’t pray and at this point in our
cultural conversation that phrase is
tired what about doing something for
someone everything I wanted to do felt
intrusive sure I’d mouth that
sickeningly familiar phrase let me know
what I can do to help as if that was a
kind of helping full well knowing they’d
never take me up on the offer it was
just another thing they’d have to decide
when who was I was I even close enough
to them a good enough friend to be
involved at such an awful moment no I’d
say nothing convincing myself that at
least then I wasn’t making a bad
situation worse and then I’d let myself
get distracted by my life maybe even on
purpose to avoid the whole scary topic
of mortality and it would all fade away
until the next loss came around even in
the middle of my mom’s illness
when I was quarterbacking all of her
care driving her to the hospital
week after week sitting with her in the
chemo suite for hours while the clear
plastic bag drip toxic liquid into the
port on her chest and I knew everything
there was to know about the state of her
heart in the state of her head and the
state of her health even I sometimes
didn’t know what to do and say to my
very own mother that’s where being able
to write songs came in handy I’m scared
and you’re brave I’m free you’re caught
we’re fighting a battle we’ve already
lost we are living every minute of your
dying day the last days of my mom’s life
a family friend brought over dinner
didn’t ask if she could she just showed
up walked through the front door put two
brown paper bags down on the kitchen
counter turned around and walked out
I bet this felt risky for her to do she
couldn’t be sure how many people were in
the house what we like to eat will ravit
in vegetarian gluten-free or if there’d
be enough food to go around let me tell
you right now
that simple gift of showing up with food
ready to eat was a godsend
it meant I didn’t have to think about
the rest of my day my mom was actively
dying the hospice nurse said she’d be
gone within 24 hours we weren’t glued to
her bedside my dad my brothers and their
families and my mom’s sisters
I was giving her morphine every couple
of hours we were wiping her forehead in
the corners of her mouth it meant that
we could go downstairs when we needed to
and wanted to and sit down together and
have a meal I’ll never forget it it was
such a relief and relief is all that a
grieving person once in this world it
learned a lot from actions like these
there are simple things you can do to
show up for your loved ones things
that’ll make them feel seen and
supported because it’s not about you and
what you’re worried about
it’s about them and what they’re going
through I’ve got three simple things I
want to share with you tonight things
that’ll make them feel loved these are
the things that I once didn’t know how
to do and through the process of losing
my mom I figured out how to do them and
now whenever anyone around me is going
through something tough I pick one of
these three things and I do it they’re
reliable and they work so number one do
send a text or an email or call and say
simply this this must be so difficult
for you I can’t imagine what you’re
going through I’m sending you my love no
need to respond you don’t need to say
anything groundbreaking here just be
honest
loss sucks and it’s different for
everyone speak to that and be sure to
tell them that they don’t need to get
back to you it’s a busy and strange time
for them let them off the hook they’ll
be so grateful that you did number two
just go and do a tour or an errand for
them something simple
don’t ask their permission to show up
and do it take the dogs for a walk fold
the laundry clean the kitchen floor pick
up the dry-cleaning take the kids out
for ice-cream just one act that gives
them a moment of peace or a break from
their busy time I can imagine you’re
thinking but I live so far away how do I
do that you can figure it out
you’re more resourceful than you know
call a dog walking service call and get
the dry-cleaning delivered find someone
who does live nearby and have them take
the kids for the afternoon you can
figure it out number three make or buy a
big mac and cheese casserole and drop it
off at their house but you need a right
then they can put in the fridge they can
freeze it for later listen we all gotta
eat even those of us wracked by grief
and if you don’t live nearby this one’s
easy
call and get pizza delivered I’m pretty
sure there’s a local pizza place or a
Domino’s within striking distance of
every house on the planet oh my god
remember that time when you dropped off
the casserole after my mom’s funeral I
hated you when you did that said no one
ever I even dropped off the casserole
after my friend’s dog died listen it’s
been three years since my mom passed
away and at the end of her life she was
sent so many flowers they were beautiful
they covered practically every surface
in our house but you know one of the
things I remember most of all was that
chicken noodle soup and the pasta with
red sauce it came out of those brown
paper bags find the courage to show up
for your grieving friend it might feel
awkward or like you’re gonna get it
wrong risk getting it wrong
don’t dwell on the voices of doubt in
your head just pick one of these three
things and do it don’t be silent don’t
be absent from their lives stop thinking
stop thinking about it just act your
grieving friend needs you to know you
can’t fix what they’re going through you
can’t make it so the marriage didn’t
fall apart you can’t bring back the
person they’ve lost but you can show up
for them in a real way that doesn’t put
the burden on them loss is all around us
and now you know three ways to do it
better you don’t have to fight the good
fight for me what’s it gonna take you
believe me believe me yeah when your
world’s been blown apart got your back I
got your heart you don’t have to fight
the good fight from me we all know
someone who’s going through something
tough right now go say something to them
go do something for them maybe even
something as intrusive as dropping off a
[Applause]
[Music] you
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