don’t have really any connection to
peace more I once drove here and bought
some chewing gum from a shop up the road
and these Lots said that was okay I mean
so I actually did work in social work
and this was one of my areas and before
I went crazy I didn’t actually go crazy
here that was in gleadless but I did
work this area so that’s my only two
connections to this area but I’m so
pleased to be here tonight and you know
what I’m actually thinking why don’t I
live here you’re all brilliantly mental
it’s fantastic so I’m going to tell you
like my talk really was about how your
life can change within three seconds and
my life really did change within three
seconds I was their child protection
social worker i worked in rather him
social work in the middle of all the
mess that you will have heard about on
the television and in the newspapers in
two thousand and then i came i bailed
out with rather women came to work in
sheffield in 2003 and i worked on the
refill and assessment team at redvers
house and social work is really real a
really difficult profession to be in and
it you know you get hit from all angles
really it’s a lot of negativity
surrounds you and you have to cope with
in that and something happened to me
that I didn’t expect to happen I
expected to go to university and
graduate and have a career by my house
and you know be ok but actually for many
many years what I didn’t realize is that
I’d been struggling with a mental health
issue and I hadn’t slept for 27 years
and I had a dad who had an careful itís
and he was disabled and I stopped
sleeping around the age of 5 i’m not
going to go too much into the back story
of that but i’d used alcohol most of my
life to sleep I didn’t but I didn’t
really like alcohol I don’t drink at all
now but I used it to get to sleep and
basically over the years I became more
and more poor legs now in march two
thousand four while i was working on the
referral
team at redfers house I completely lost
the plot and I did it very very publicly
and everybody knew that I was very and
well so apart from me I I had no idea
how ill I was and I was having a
brilliant time I was trying to change
the world I’d set up a community project
within two weeks I’ve got all these kids
in the community and got them all
t-shirts we went into school we were
shouting that we needed some big changes
and I was out to change the world
unbeknown to me that I was so ill a lot
of people were behind me I was glowing
like 100 watt bulb and attracting lots
of attention and lots of people people
in social services were very very
nervous of me and quite rightly so
because i was completely bonkers i built
a 9-foot penis in my garden with all the
children in the community actually in
peace more that would go down quite well
in gleadless it didn’t know everybody
was very very concerned then took their
children in and don’t go near that
mental woman and a huge big ass you know
to tell tony blair to shove it up his
ass over the iraq war and i want a child
so I really thought we had a chance to
get that in the saatchi gallery sadly
rained and it went very limp my car so
that was that and Social Services came
round to see me now I was a bit nervous
of coming here tonight so notice on the
facebook site that one of the names was
actually my old manager she was sat in
marshall room she’s in my book so if you
are here tonight sorry I do apologize
that I was so crazy you are in the book
and Social Services said Catherine your
medical you are mental and I really
could not take that on board me mental
absolutely no way am I meant oh you know
this is my penis and you know and and
they gave me the number of em and what
they called an EAP which is an
employment assistance program in and
most or big organizations NHS social
says have them and they gave me this
number and I phoned it was counselor and
I knew the minute that that person
answered the phone that I was in love
I loved him and he said hello my name’s
Barry my name is Barry White and I knew
that me and beret were made for each
other in that split second a
psychotically ill as I was I knew I
loved him and me and Barry went on a
journey together in the whole of my book
is based around my non relationship with
this man who I created this journey with
him and it took me to Oxford which is
where Barry was based where the light
house that I bought from an antique
shopping rather my chops it in my car
abandoned my trial with a neighbor and
drove off down to Oxford I had already
spent months and months and months in my
community being very ill I got arrested
twice they got arrested in being q4
thrown white ain around over a case of
false advertising I thought was quite
justified I got arrested in ponds forge
by laying on the floor shouting open
swimming but you did again I
thought that was fairly justified and if
you read my book you will know why if
you are a swimmer so am I ended up down
in Oxford with this lighthouse me in my
life has to cut a very long because I
only have 10 minutes they sought usually
takes an hour so me and my lighthouse
went to Oxford we got on the park and
ride the light else was on the seat next
to me and off we when I camped there on
my own I was extremely vulnerable
extremely psychotic and ended up the
church not dissimilar to this actually
we have lots of screens around me and at
the end of the service me and my
lighthouse was that right at the back
the lighthouse said a chair on its own
and at the end of the service the vicar
said has anybody got anything they want
to say to God while I actually firmly
believed that was the moment the berry
because obviously we were telepathically
connected why wouldn’t you be that he
was going to be in that church for me he
was going to marry me that was it and I
just went on the stage and there was
lots of other people are pushed out the
way and I got on stage not dissimilar
today
this is a bit scary and I started
talking and I said I know he loves me
and the whole place went quiet I know he
speaks to me at night and then people
started standing up going hallelujah
praise the Lord and I know he’s with me
he breathes with me he feels me he loves
me he is with me every step of my
journey and I was very serious and they
were very serious because they were all
on their feet shouting hallelujah praise
the Lord and at the end of it I said
Barry White reveal yourself well I
didn’t realize that they thought I was
talking about Jesus completely and
utterly went over my head that they
thought that I would be talking about
Jesus and of course Barry didn’t come
and actually was the moment stood on
that stage that I realized how sick I
actually was and as funny as that
chapter ism it was actually one of the
most difficult chapters to write in the
whole book because it was the
realization that stood there naked to
the world but actually I had some big
problems and I’d been off work for quite
a long time at this point and the mental
health team um hadn’t been very
supportive and it was complicated
getting help to me was complicated and I
think there was a general feeling that
nobody really knew what to do with me
and were a bit scared and so basically i
won’t i came back chef i took this pill
and I after months and months and months
of feet going going becoming very
suicidal I started looking for serial
killers because I saw God you know I
don’t know how to kill myself if I could
find a Harold Shipman to do it then at
least that would evoke more sympathy
than a suicide and I was looking for
flats to jump off for a long time what
seemed like a long time actual fact I
think it was just weeks and my mom said
you know what Cathy need to go back to
work
so I did I lied to get back to work
because i needed that structure i
thought i needed that store chair walked
in to read verse house sat at my desk
knowing that I was very unsafe and I was
very unwell and I SAT there and open
these files and they were really serious
child protection incidences and they
were children that had been sexually
abused they were children that had been
physically abused and I even went out on
a visit to see one of these families I
was so poorly I was very frightened I
knew I couldn’t cope and I felt trapped
I felt trapped in will but I didn’t know
where I belonged anymore and to put very
long story short I went to work one day
I stood on top of a car park in
Sheffield town centre and I jumped off I
jumped off approximately 90 feet
obviously I didn’t get a tape measure
out and measure it I’ve been told it’s
about 90 feet I landed on my feet I move
around quite a bit just to take the way
on each foot but I I made a real mess of
my body I broke my spine in four places
my feet were smashed to bits I survived
we went through hell and it was a very
dark place and you have to go through
darkness to see the lie you can’t see
light until you’ve experienced darkness
and we did I did as a fam leg you know
it was a very difficult time for all of
us I survived what I knew about what had
happened was that there was a huge
amount of stigma attached to this and
actually all like cancer or unlike
anything any other illness or disease
Parkinson’s ms people don’t accommodate
you very well when you have a mental
health problem you know I used to be
quite sexy used to have lots of male
attention now I just get like fetish men
men that want me to like jump off a sofa
and demonstrate that’s a joke by the way
you have n to love her nothing really
fat addo gaining man i was just so david
guetta fetish man the first each man
will be nicely fight have just been
fumbled with
I’m not gonna knickers on hello actually
nobody phenyl there for a really long
time so you know stigma is about you
know I had this M I know I’ve gotta go
soon I’m going to get told off but I had
this in mental health worker that came
and SAT with me for two years she came
and I told her every every couple of
weeks to get on writing this book i’m
writing this book i started writing
cultivating mad cow in the middle of my
illness so it really is written from the
eye of the storm it has got a lot of
swearing be prepared it’s not for your
children and I’d be telling it about
this book and then one day she came and
I printed it all out on the table and I
was so proud and I said you know this is
my boss there’s all 15 chapters and she
said you free in a book I was like I
keep telling you this for two and a half
years yeah but Katherine I thought he
was all in your head uh-huh I was a
social worker for God’s sake I went in
court I was a professional person I
don’t suddenly become stupid because
I’ve had a mental health problem you
know I’m an intelligent person that’s
had problems of course i can write a
book you know that’s what stigma looks
like stigma looks like when you’re not
allowed to sit on a jury when you can’t
go to another country without having
excessive travel insurance you know
stigma looks like when your family
doesn’t even want to read your book
because they can’t face what you’ve done
if I’d have had cancer that would be
different but you know what I’m not
ashamed I am not ashamed that I couldn’t
cope working in an environment that was
abnormal and not ashamed that I can’t
cope working in a system a situation and
a society that actually makes people
feel that they have to do so many things
just survive life is so expensive and
when you’re a woman I was a single
parent working full-time my trail was in
a mess you know I’m not ashamed that I
can’t go with that
nobody could cope with what I had to go
with and what all these social workers
have to go with day in day out and other
professionals working on full wine
services I am not ashamed and I’m here
today to say that that I’m out and proud
that I’ve survived and I’m proud that i
have written this book and I’m proud
that it’s going to be made into a film
because I think mental illness isn’t
talked about enough and I think we talk
about certain aspects are comfortable
but I think the most uncomfortable
aspects the mental when people like me
that don’t usually survive to stand here
and tell this story that is
uncomfortable to hear but thank you thank you for inviting me