privilege to live and work in many
different countries I lived in Turkey in
Myanmar in China in Spain in Germany and
in Indonesia I loved what I did and I
did what I loved which was teaching
drama and film studies the world was
mine
what changed the situation cancer in
March 2015 I flew to Germany because my
father had cancer and I wanted to be
with him a few days after my arrival I
went to check up myself not because I
felt that I felt great it was April 1st
when the doctor told me you have a tumor
I could not believe it
I thought she was joking because it was
April 1st except she was not laughing
and because before I could even think I
was in a hospital I had my first surgery
this one not pleasant it took me a while
to recover and when I got a little bit
better the phone was ringing
it was my surgeon her voice was
empathetic her questions alarming I had
ovarian cancer my world was upside down
and nothing nothing nothing was the same
anymore it was as we say in the movie
business it was a point of no return and
the central question was raised
there’s always essential questions in
the movies will I ever get out of this
the next day after the phone call I had
to see the surgeon and she told me what
needed
be done I felt terrible and something
something in this meeting happened It
was as if a glass wall came down and I
couldn’t reach the other people anymore
I had the feeling I was no longer part
of this life I was disconnected
I was unframed that day I went to a park
because I had to digest the information
I just wanted to be with normal people
because that’s how I felt there was me
and normal people me and healthy people
people with normal problems and me with
a problem as big as the Mount Everest I
went into the hospital again and this
time I had major surgery this one
followed by chemotherapy physiotherapy
rehab and during this time I stayed with
friends in the countryside with friends
and a dog and nature was good for me but
how did I feel not so good I could
hardly walk I felt sick every morning I
had splitting headaches my hearing was
bad so I felt even more disconnected my
world was small it was the bed
I lost my autonomy my body was not my
body anymore I was skinny but I had
elephant legs they took out 52 lymph
nodes it was not pleasant and my world
was the opposite of exotic was not good
while I got better and I got better
after a year my father’s health went
downhill it was a very difficult time
but I got through this it’s very very
often people ask me how did you do this
and every single time my answer is the
same with love empathy and smiles I had
a tremendous support from my partner
from my family from my friends from my
students around the world and from the
parents of my students I was surrounded
by love and empathy now what can you do
if you have a partner if you have a
friend or a loved one with cancer but
before I share my six simple but
powerful ideas with you let me ask you
two questions please raise your hand if
you have a friend a family member or
someone you know with cancer I do okay
please raise your hand if you sometimes
feel uncomfortable not sure what to do I
do that’s what I thought but it doesn’t
have to be this way and here is what
I’ve learned
smile smile can be very powerful and
when I was in the hospital I got a
postcard from one of my student and the
postcard said if you don’t have a smile
I will give you one of mine and believe
me when you have cancer you don’t have
much to smile about I had a mirror in my
hospital room so I could see how people
would end
and it’s made my day when my partner my
family my friends or my students the
doctors the nurses the cleaners came
into my room and smiled at me because it
meant hope encouragement and I felt
connected again love when I talk about
love I mean laughs that simply gives
without wanting something in return it
is love when your partner comes to the
hospital room and says today’s flowers
are from me and the next day says these
flowers are from Bob and Pattie from
Thailand the 30 these flowers are from
dr. George your colleagues and your
students it is love when your friend is
sitting beside your hospital bed while
you are waking up from major surgery
it is blood when your father comes to
the hospital room with his oxygen tank
on his back and says I was worried about
you and it is love when your sister who
is not much of a talker noted that Jeep
or know that you like the church he is
fern and brings her present the next day
and get what it is I think you get the
picture
empathy and when I talk about empathy I
mean the capability of jumping or
stepping into somebody else’s shoes very
important keep your ego out when you go
to a hospital room and have a friend
with cancer keep your ego out it is not
about you don’t take anything personally
if your friend doesn’t show up for your
big Valley sash opening night birthday
party it’s not that he or he doesn’t
want to it’s simply your friend has
nothing to give and meet all the energy
for himself or herself don’t take it
personally and please do not compare
yourself to other friends don’t think
I can’t he drives her to him with her
appear and not me support is not a
competition your friend has to deal with
a lot so please don’t do that to
yourself and don’t do it to your friend
communication words are very powerful
they can destroy a person or they can
make a person strong if you enter the
hospital room or their home choose your
words wisely be empathetic of course but
listen carefully listen to what he has
to tell you not what you want them to
tell you don’t ask rhetorical questions
ask open-ended questions and be positive
and please please please don’t multitask
in a hospital room if you are too busy
and too important you know what then
don’t come don’t go up go home do your
business and come back when it’s more
comfortable for you but if you’re in the
hospital room be present and make
decisions with your friend not for your
friend imagine how you would feel and of
course spend little signs of love a
letter postcards messages something like
that I got a message from a student once
and what there is nothing on it because
I know the text by heart but it said
dear Miss B long-term I love you
wait – you’re my best drama teacher ever
I was probably the first one
remember when we did the rainbow fish it
was so much fun
please miss it Lanka please come back
even though you had cancer you know what
is so dramatic
I loved glitters science of love
positivity
please be positive and encouraging a
cancer patient can’t afford the luxury
of the single negative thought not one
so it is and it was encouraging for me
when my father who was dying came into
the hospital room as that we can fight
this monster it was encouraging when my
partner said we will get through this it
was encouraging then another friend of
mine said you’re in very good hands
she knew the surgeon and finally when
the surgeon said a sentence you’ve
probably heard from a German politician
these happen does you can do this that’s
all I needed
that’s what kept me going and last but
not least practical health maybe you’re
not a person who wants to go to the
hospital maybe you’re afraid or you’re
not a talker that’s okay because we have
so much to give there’s so much to do
when you have cancer there is so much
paperwork to do and it is overwhelming
when you are sick so you can make phone
calls set up appointments is you can
scan stuff to the health insurance print
stuff you can go shopping unload the
dishwasher
talk to your friend exercise with your
friend or simply sit with your friends
eat popcorn and watch your movie
so audience here’s what I want you to
take home if you should have a friend or
a family member with cancer
please don’t freeze or don’t disappear
you don’t have to be perfect but your
friend needs you and please remember be
loving and empathetic and don’t forget
to smile thank you