it can feel very weird and a bit
threatening to talk about taking the
pressure off a relationship our
collective inherited romantic culture
likes to imagine functioning couples
doing more or less everything together
and being the center of each other’s
lives the good couple is we’re told one
in which two people mean more or less
everything to one another in a sound
relationship we’re supposed to meet each
other’s needs in every area of existence
from sex to intellectual stimulation
cooking styles to bedroom habits we’re
supposed to lead our social life in
tandem be the primary sounding board for
one another’s problems and complete each
other in spirit and in matter if they’re
involved in a sport we should at once
join in or at least come along and
support them every weekend if we want to
visit a particular country they’re
supposed to trot along enthusiastically
with us our friends are meant to be
their friends
it all sounds sweet but it is over the
long term a recipe for disaster no two
people can ever match each other across
all areas of existence and the attempt
to do so inevitably ushers in bitterness
and rage we have at the collective level
given ourselves a hugely unhelpful
picture of how love should go any
independent move is read like a sign
that we can’t actually love one another
it’s taken to be evidence of imminent
danger if we visit other countries on
our own or sleep apart so we end up
badgering each other to do things that
we don’t really like we force each other
to endure tedious hobbies or see each
other’s peculiar old friends not even
because we inherently want to do so but
simply because any other arrangement has
come to seem like evidence of betrayal a
more realistic and in the proper sense
romantic view of couples would suggests
that there do have to be a few strong
areas where we meet each other’s needs
but there should also be plenty of
others where we clearly
chav pursuing our goals on our own
consider the following list of
independent activities and give them
stars from 1 to 5 if they strike you as
relevant I’d like to travel without my
partner have dinner one-to-one with a
friend be able to go to a party without
my partner and not have them feel left
out visit my parents alone have my own
financial advisor go for long walks on
my own have a separate bathroom go
shopping with a friend rather than with
my partner look at each other stars and
lists is there anything that you feel
you could accommodate we should
recognize that a degree of Independence
isn’t an attack on a partner it’s a
guarantee of the solidity of the
underlying commitment one is made truly
stable couples aren’t those that do
everything together it’s those that have
managed to interpret their differences
in non dramatic and non disloyal terms
ultimately a reduction of dependence
doesn’t mean a relationship is
unraveling it means that we have learned
to focus more clearly and intently on
what the other person can actually bring
us and have stopped blaming them for not
being someone they never were we no
longer need to be upset that their ideal
holiday destination strikes us as a bit
unreal axon or that their friends can
seem boring we have learned instead to
value them for the areas where we truly
see eye to eye to enjoy a harmonious
union with someone we should ensure that
we have plenty of sources of excitement
reassurance and stimulation outside of
them when we had problems we should be
able to lean on other supports the
demand that another person compensators
for all that’s alarming wearing or
deficient in our lives is a mechanism
for systematically destroying any
relationship our conflicts and
disappointments will at once feel more
manageable when we stop asking our
partner to function always as our
long-lost other half the more we can
survive without a relation
ship the greater will be that
relationships chances of survival and
fulfillment we will truly give love a
chance when we stop believing that it
can single-handedly save us our book
sorrows of love helps us all handle the inevitable sorrows of love
threatening to talk about taking the
pressure off a relationship our
collective inherited romantic culture
likes to imagine functioning couples
doing more or less everything together
and being the center of each other’s
lives the good couple is we’re told one
in which two people mean more or less
everything to one another in a sound
relationship we’re supposed to meet each
other’s needs in every area of existence
from sex to intellectual stimulation
cooking styles to bedroom habits we’re
supposed to lead our social life in
tandem be the primary sounding board for
one another’s problems and complete each
other in spirit and in matter if they’re
involved in a sport we should at once
join in or at least come along and
support them every weekend if we want to
visit a particular country they’re
supposed to trot along enthusiastically
with us our friends are meant to be
their friends
it all sounds sweet but it is over the
long term a recipe for disaster no two
people can ever match each other across
all areas of existence and the attempt
to do so inevitably ushers in bitterness
and rage we have at the collective level
given ourselves a hugely unhelpful
picture of how love should go any
independent move is read like a sign
that we can’t actually love one another
it’s taken to be evidence of imminent
danger if we visit other countries on
our own or sleep apart so we end up
badgering each other to do things that
we don’t really like we force each other
to endure tedious hobbies or see each
other’s peculiar old friends not even
because we inherently want to do so but
simply because any other arrangement has
come to seem like evidence of betrayal a
more realistic and in the proper sense
romantic view of couples would suggests
that there do have to be a few strong
areas where we meet each other’s needs
but there should also be plenty of
others where we clearly
chav pursuing our goals on our own
consider the following list of
independent activities and give them
stars from 1 to 5 if they strike you as
relevant I’d like to travel without my
partner have dinner one-to-one with a
friend be able to go to a party without
my partner and not have them feel left
out visit my parents alone have my own
financial advisor go for long walks on
my own have a separate bathroom go
shopping with a friend rather than with
my partner look at each other stars and
lists is there anything that you feel
you could accommodate we should
recognize that a degree of Independence
isn’t an attack on a partner it’s a
guarantee of the solidity of the
underlying commitment one is made truly
stable couples aren’t those that do
everything together it’s those that have
managed to interpret their differences
in non dramatic and non disloyal terms
ultimately a reduction of dependence
doesn’t mean a relationship is
unraveling it means that we have learned
to focus more clearly and intently on
what the other person can actually bring
us and have stopped blaming them for not
being someone they never were we no
longer need to be upset that their ideal
holiday destination strikes us as a bit
unreal axon or that their friends can
seem boring we have learned instead to
value them for the areas where we truly
see eye to eye to enjoy a harmonious
union with someone we should ensure that
we have plenty of sources of excitement
reassurance and stimulation outside of
them when we had problems we should be
able to lean on other supports the
demand that another person compensators
for all that’s alarming wearing or
deficient in our lives is a mechanism
for systematically destroying any
relationship our conflicts and
disappointments will at once feel more
manageable when we stop asking our
partner to function always as our
long-lost other half the more we can
survive without a relation
ship the greater will be that
relationships chances of survival and
fulfillment we will truly give love a
chance when we stop believing that it
can single-handedly save us our book
sorrows of love helps us all handle the inevitable sorrows of love
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