they’ve gone and what we need most of
all to understand is why what’s striking
is that despite what friends and
well-meaning acquaintances tell us we
actually already know why it’s because
of us we firmly and naturally assumed
that the explanation is primarily to do
with us and our miserable failings
they’ve gone because we weren’t good
enough they got to know us better than
almost anyone has ever done and then
inevitably felt horrified by the truth
it’s not the relationship that failed we
failed but counter-intuitively what
seems most obvious to us in our hearts
might not actually be true in reality
there is a famous experiment in the
history of psychology which pinpoints
our tendency to project that is to read
decisive clear explanations drawn from
our minds into what are in fact and big
ewis situations in the world
the Thematic Apperception tests as it’s
technically known was developed in the
1930s by the American psychologist Henry
Murray it presents us with images of
people and asks us to say what’s going
on in them people tend to come up with
quite specific conclusions for example
of one image they might say she’s fed up
with him he’s weak and a bit boring and
she’s just told him that their
relationship isn’t working and that
she’s leaving or they might say he’s
just told her they have to break up and
the reason has something to do with
their sex lives
he’s not as fulfilled as he wants to be
or a third person might say it seems to
be about his parents she wants him to
take more distance from them if he
doesn’t she can’t be expected to stay
around forever the power of this
experiment derives from the fact that
the image has by design quite carefully
no precise or definite significance they
are just actors who’ve been asked to
assume certain poses by the
psychologists the stories and the
meanings we come up with therefore come
from us this is often exactly what
happens
around our own heartbreaks we may never
actually know precisely why the other
person left us that shouldn’t be
surprising however well we know someone
they’re never fully transparent to us
what they say may only be part of what’s
really in their minds their deeper
motives will remain obscure perhaps even
to them we’re presented with a fact that
they’re leaving us and on to that we
project a meaning but the meaning we
give to that fact comes in large part
from us holding on to the idea that we
don’t actually know something is an
underused and powerful skill at one of
the foundational moments of philosophy
in ancient Athens Socrates argued that a
huge component of wisdom lies in our
capacity to accept our ignorance in
certain situations the wise are those
who know that they don’t know this
recognition of not knowing and the
reminder of our tendency to project may
be helpful in easing us away from the
more catastrophic and self-incriminating
interpretations of a breakup the lover
who furiously told us they never wanted
to see us again may in the hidden
recesses of their soul have been
actually thinking I’m so sad this didn’t
quite work out I wish I could find a way
to make this work you so lovely in many
ways but there’s something desperate in
me that’s turning away from your offer
of love Oh
the person who coldly texts us that’s it
I’m out
maybe scenes be weeping are their own
sense of loss and failure rather than as
we imagine gleefully celebrating the end
of their overextended encounter with us
the person who says I wish this could
work but just for now I’ve got to
concentrate on my career might actually
be quite sincere rather than as we might
darkly suppose putting a perlite cover
over their contempt for us the
acceptance of ambiguity is liberating
we’re free to recognize that the ending
of a relationship wasn’t necessarily all
our fault there may have been forces at
work other than our own inadequacy we’re
still very sad but the target of our
misery becomes a little more bearable
we can focus on a deep sorrowful
strangeness of love and loss rather than
suffering an extended excoriating
confrontation with our own inadequacies
to learn more about love try our set of
cards that help answer that essential question who should I be with
all to understand is why what’s striking
is that despite what friends and
well-meaning acquaintances tell us we
actually already know why it’s because
of us we firmly and naturally assumed
that the explanation is primarily to do
with us and our miserable failings
they’ve gone because we weren’t good
enough they got to know us better than
almost anyone has ever done and then
inevitably felt horrified by the truth
it’s not the relationship that failed we
failed but counter-intuitively what
seems most obvious to us in our hearts
might not actually be true in reality
there is a famous experiment in the
history of psychology which pinpoints
our tendency to project that is to read
decisive clear explanations drawn from
our minds into what are in fact and big
ewis situations in the world
the Thematic Apperception tests as it’s
technically known was developed in the
1930s by the American psychologist Henry
Murray it presents us with images of
people and asks us to say what’s going
on in them people tend to come up with
quite specific conclusions for example
of one image they might say she’s fed up
with him he’s weak and a bit boring and
she’s just told him that their
relationship isn’t working and that
she’s leaving or they might say he’s
just told her they have to break up and
the reason has something to do with
their sex lives
he’s not as fulfilled as he wants to be
or a third person might say it seems to
be about his parents she wants him to
take more distance from them if he
doesn’t she can’t be expected to stay
around forever the power of this
experiment derives from the fact that
the image has by design quite carefully
no precise or definite significance they
are just actors who’ve been asked to
assume certain poses by the
psychologists the stories and the
meanings we come up with therefore come
from us this is often exactly what
happens
around our own heartbreaks we may never
actually know precisely why the other
person left us that shouldn’t be
surprising however well we know someone
they’re never fully transparent to us
what they say may only be part of what’s
really in their minds their deeper
motives will remain obscure perhaps even
to them we’re presented with a fact that
they’re leaving us and on to that we
project a meaning but the meaning we
give to that fact comes in large part
from us holding on to the idea that we
don’t actually know something is an
underused and powerful skill at one of
the foundational moments of philosophy
in ancient Athens Socrates argued that a
huge component of wisdom lies in our
capacity to accept our ignorance in
certain situations the wise are those
who know that they don’t know this
recognition of not knowing and the
reminder of our tendency to project may
be helpful in easing us away from the
more catastrophic and self-incriminating
interpretations of a breakup the lover
who furiously told us they never wanted
to see us again may in the hidden
recesses of their soul have been
actually thinking I’m so sad this didn’t
quite work out I wish I could find a way
to make this work you so lovely in many
ways but there’s something desperate in
me that’s turning away from your offer
of love Oh
the person who coldly texts us that’s it
I’m out
maybe scenes be weeping are their own
sense of loss and failure rather than as
we imagine gleefully celebrating the end
of their overextended encounter with us
the person who says I wish this could
work but just for now I’ve got to
concentrate on my career might actually
be quite sincere rather than as we might
darkly suppose putting a perlite cover
over their contempt for us the
acceptance of ambiguity is liberating
we’re free to recognize that the ending
of a relationship wasn’t necessarily all
our fault there may have been forces at
work other than our own inadequacy we’re
still very sad but the target of our
misery becomes a little more bearable
we can focus on a deep sorrowful
strangeness of love and loss rather than
suffering an extended excoriating
confrontation with our own inadequacies
to learn more about love try our set of
cards that help answer that essential question who should I be with
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