One of the weirdest things about relationships is that we do not have the freedom to feel attracted to anyone
We tend to have a very powerful psychological model that we can not deviate from
We all have a certain shopping list inside us, we know how to be the personalities of the people we can love
You might think this shopping list is about beautiful requirements
For example, a potential lover must be affectionate, understanding, friendly, and in the same age and social group
But our shopping list is really wiser and darker
Perhaps we end up neglecting all potential candidates, refusing them on the grounds that they are boring, upset, or simply wrong
And the direct tendency to characters that are somewhat strange and do not lead to our happiness
For example, we may only fall in love with people who are less intelligent and responsible than us
Or who are unreliable, selfish, or cynical
This may be very puzzling to those around us or even to ourselves
Why on Earth can not we settle with good people?
This is because what we look for in love is not necessarily a gentle, gentle person
But the person who seems familiar
Many of us learn about love in our childhood, by people who – in one way or another – were bothering us
They continued unconsciously to guide our love pattern
Parents from childhood, give us models of how you love or receive love
That could ruin our chances of being happy
Three methods tend to be made by the preferred type of lover
Let us imagine that our father was cold, violent, or physically hurtful, or our mother was despising us or not or controlling
This is terrible, but it is all about being in love
Why never repeat Xi was very uncomfortable?
Well, because it is still a terrible love affair
There was exploitation but also – let us imagine – there was a degree of wonder, admiration, attachment, or even tenderness
They may have been misguided, but that’s what we’re used to
Now, though illogical, love does not feel true unless it is also terrible
This is not nice for us, but we feel comfortable, and Malov convincingly
Or imagine our first upbringing. How was it when you made you feel bad or humiliated or wounded?
And then – strangely – we could end up doing the same thing with someone else
On the other hand, we humiliate them, exploit them, and we only grow cold toward them when they are weak toward us
As if a primitive part of us thinks that the only way we can not be exploited is that we are the exploiters
Deep inside us the emotion of the child thinks that the person who did this to me was quite the opposite
So this should be a safe place, this is the person I want to be … in any relationship
When parents cause problems, we always try to escape them, developing barriers around all kinds of personal qualities they can have
Which could have been good and had nothing to do with their bad qualities
For example the parent was a little cocky but very smart
Then unfortunately any intelligent person, we look at it as unpopular
Or perhaps the mother – in some way – was disgusted by sexual activity, specifically our sexual activity, but she (the mother) was warm and loving
Then, sadly, any person who is kind and loving, we imagine as a “punishment” about sex
And therefore feel that it is a mistake and must be rejected
The map of love inside us is very hard to understand
She does not know herself, so we must make an effort to know what dictates to us
But we can free ourselves from what we ask
The investigation starts as usual, trying to understand ourselves
From what did you suffer at the hands of Amori’s parents?
Am I drawn to those suffering in adults whom I admire?
Do I cause problems for people the same way I did when I was young?
Do I not like certain people because they have qualities related to me to people who caused me pain in childhood?
Can I, who can find the qualities we love without the qualities that I fear?
Emotional health means expanding the number of people we can fall in love with
We learn about love in childhood
But we free ourselves from the trauma of childhood when we realize that we can love in many ways
We got used to something that was initially frightening and dangerous
And be happy with someone who is properly and deeply good to us
We tend to have a very powerful psychological model that we can not deviate from
We all have a certain shopping list inside us, we know how to be the personalities of the people we can love
You might think this shopping list is about beautiful requirements
For example, a potential lover must be affectionate, understanding, friendly, and in the same age and social group
But our shopping list is really wiser and darker
Perhaps we end up neglecting all potential candidates, refusing them on the grounds that they are boring, upset, or simply wrong
And the direct tendency to characters that are somewhat strange and do not lead to our happiness
For example, we may only fall in love with people who are less intelligent and responsible than us
Or who are unreliable, selfish, or cynical
This may be very puzzling to those around us or even to ourselves
Why on Earth can not we settle with good people?
This is because what we look for in love is not necessarily a gentle, gentle person
But the person who seems familiar
Many of us learn about love in our childhood, by people who – in one way or another – were bothering us
They continued unconsciously to guide our love pattern
Parents from childhood, give us models of how you love or receive love
That could ruin our chances of being happy
Three methods tend to be made by the preferred type of lover
Let us imagine that our father was cold, violent, or physically hurtful, or our mother was despising us or not or controlling
This is terrible, but it is all about being in love
Why never repeat Xi was very uncomfortable?
Well, because it is still a terrible love affair
There was exploitation but also – let us imagine – there was a degree of wonder, admiration, attachment, or even tenderness
They may have been misguided, but that’s what we’re used to
Now, though illogical, love does not feel true unless it is also terrible
This is not nice for us, but we feel comfortable, and Malov convincingly
Or imagine our first upbringing. How was it when you made you feel bad or humiliated or wounded?
And then – strangely – we could end up doing the same thing with someone else
On the other hand, we humiliate them, exploit them, and we only grow cold toward them when they are weak toward us
As if a primitive part of us thinks that the only way we can not be exploited is that we are the exploiters
Deep inside us the emotion of the child thinks that the person who did this to me was quite the opposite
So this should be a safe place, this is the person I want to be … in any relationship
When parents cause problems, we always try to escape them, developing barriers around all kinds of personal qualities they can have
Which could have been good and had nothing to do with their bad qualities
For example the parent was a little cocky but very smart
Then unfortunately any intelligent person, we look at it as unpopular
Or perhaps the mother – in some way – was disgusted by sexual activity, specifically our sexual activity, but she (the mother) was warm and loving
Then, sadly, any person who is kind and loving, we imagine as a “punishment” about sex
And therefore feel that it is a mistake and must be rejected
The map of love inside us is very hard to understand
She does not know herself, so we must make an effort to know what dictates to us
But we can free ourselves from what we ask
The investigation starts as usual, trying to understand ourselves
From what did you suffer at the hands of Amori’s parents?
Am I drawn to those suffering in adults whom I admire?
Do I cause problems for people the same way I did when I was young?
Do I not like certain people because they have qualities related to me to people who caused me pain in childhood?
Can I, who can find the qualities we love without the qualities that I fear?
Emotional health means expanding the number of people we can fall in love with
We learn about love in childhood
But we free ourselves from the trauma of childhood when we realize that we can love in many ways
We got used to something that was initially frightening and dangerous
And be happy with someone who is properly and deeply good to us
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