friendship should be one of the high
points of existence and yet it’s also
the most routinely disappointing thing
we have to deal with too often you’re at
supper at someone’s house there’s an
impressive spread and the hosts have
evidently gone to a lot of trouble but
the conversation is meandering and
devoid of any real interest it flits
from an over long description of the
failings of the in-flight service on a
particular airline to a strangely heated
discussion about the tax code the
intentions of the hosts are hugely
touching but as so often we go home
wondering what on earth the whole
performance was really about the key to
the problem of friendship is to be found
in an odd sounding place a lack of a
sense of purpose our attempts at
friendship tend to go adrift because we
collectively resist the task of
developing a clear picture of what
friendship might really be for the
problem is that we’re unfairly
uncomfortable with the idea of
friendship having any declared purpose
because we associate purpose with a
least attractive and most cynical of
motives yet purpose doesn’t have to ruin
friendship and in fact the more we
define what a friendship might be for
the more we can focus in on what we
should be doing with every person in our
lives or indeed the more we can
helpfully conclude that we shouldn’t be
with them at all there are at least four
things we might be trying to do with the
people we know firstly networking it’s
an unfairly maligned idea with small
fragile creatures in a vast world our
individual capacities are entirely
insufficient to realize the demands of
our imaginations so of course we need
collaborators accomplices who can align
their abilities and energies with ours
this idea of friendship was given a lot
of space in classical literature take
the Argonauts the legendary ancient
Greek tale which traced how a heroic
captain called Jason
worked in order to assemble a band of
friends to sail on the Argo in search of
the Golden Fleece later the same idea
emerged when Jesus networked to put
together a band of twelve disciples with
whom we could spread one or two
world-changing ideas about forgiveness
and compassion rather than diminish our
own efforts as we hand out our business
cards such prestigious examples can show
how elevated and ambitious networking
friendships could ideally be secondly
reassurance the human condition is full
of Terror we’re always on the verge of
disgrace danger and disappointment and
yet such are the rules of polite conduct
that we’re permanently in danger of
imagining that we are the only ones to
be as crazy as we know we are we badly
need friends because with the people we
know only superficially there are few
confessions of sexual compulsion or of
regret rage and confusion these
superficial acquaintances refuse to
admit that they too are going slightly
out of their minds yet the reassuring
true friend gives us access to a very
necessary and accurate sense of their
own humiliations and follies insights
with which we can begin to judge
ourselves and our sad and compulsive
lives slightly more compassionately
thirdly fun despite talk of Edden ism
and immediate gratification life gives
us constant lessons in the need to be
serious we have to guard our dignity
avoid looking like a fool and pass as a
mature adult the pressure can become
onerous and in the end even dangerous
that’s why we constantly need access to
people we can trust enough to be silly
with them they might most of the time be
training to be a neurosurgeon or
advising middle-sized companies about
their tax liabilities but when we’re
together we can be therapeutically daft
we can put on accents shared lewd
fantasies or do too long a newspaper
adding a huge nose and a missing front
tooth to the President or giving the
fashion model distended ears and masses
of curly hair the fun friend solves the
problem of shame around important but
unprecedented
fourthly clarifying our minds to a
surprising degree it’s very hard to
think on our own the mind is skittish
and squeamish as a result many issues
like confused within us we feel angry
but are not sure why something is wrong
with our job but we can’t pin it down
the thinking friend holds us to the task
they ask gentle but probing questions
which act as a mirror that assists us
with the task of knowing ourselves one
side effect of getting a bit more
precise about what we’re trying to do
with our social lives is that we’re
likely to conclude that in many cases
we’re spending time with people for no
truly identifiable good reason these
proto friends share none of our
professional ambitions or interests they
aren’t reassuring and may indeed be
secretly really very excited by the
possibility of our failure we can’t be
cathartic ly silly around them and they
aren’t in the least bit interested in
furthering our or their path to
self-knowledge they are like so many of
the people in our social lives simply in
our orbit as a result of some unhappy
accident that we’ve been too sentimental
– correct we should dare to be a little
ruthless in this area culling
acquaintances isn’t a sign that we’ve
lost belief in friendship it’s evidence
that we’re starting to get clearer and
therefore more demanding but what a
friendship could really be in the best
way the price of knowing what friendship
is for maybe a few more evenings at home in our own company
points of existence and yet it’s also
the most routinely disappointing thing
we have to deal with too often you’re at
supper at someone’s house there’s an
impressive spread and the hosts have
evidently gone to a lot of trouble but
the conversation is meandering and
devoid of any real interest it flits
from an over long description of the
failings of the in-flight service on a
particular airline to a strangely heated
discussion about the tax code the
intentions of the hosts are hugely
touching but as so often we go home
wondering what on earth the whole
performance was really about the key to
the problem of friendship is to be found
in an odd sounding place a lack of a
sense of purpose our attempts at
friendship tend to go adrift because we
collectively resist the task of
developing a clear picture of what
friendship might really be for the
problem is that we’re unfairly
uncomfortable with the idea of
friendship having any declared purpose
because we associate purpose with a
least attractive and most cynical of
motives yet purpose doesn’t have to ruin
friendship and in fact the more we
define what a friendship might be for
the more we can focus in on what we
should be doing with every person in our
lives or indeed the more we can
helpfully conclude that we shouldn’t be
with them at all there are at least four
things we might be trying to do with the
people we know firstly networking it’s
an unfairly maligned idea with small
fragile creatures in a vast world our
individual capacities are entirely
insufficient to realize the demands of
our imaginations so of course we need
collaborators accomplices who can align
their abilities and energies with ours
this idea of friendship was given a lot
of space in classical literature take
the Argonauts the legendary ancient
Greek tale which traced how a heroic
captain called Jason
worked in order to assemble a band of
friends to sail on the Argo in search of
the Golden Fleece later the same idea
emerged when Jesus networked to put
together a band of twelve disciples with
whom we could spread one or two
world-changing ideas about forgiveness
and compassion rather than diminish our
own efforts as we hand out our business
cards such prestigious examples can show
how elevated and ambitious networking
friendships could ideally be secondly
reassurance the human condition is full
of Terror we’re always on the verge of
disgrace danger and disappointment and
yet such are the rules of polite conduct
that we’re permanently in danger of
imagining that we are the only ones to
be as crazy as we know we are we badly
need friends because with the people we
know only superficially there are few
confessions of sexual compulsion or of
regret rage and confusion these
superficial acquaintances refuse to
admit that they too are going slightly
out of their minds yet the reassuring
true friend gives us access to a very
necessary and accurate sense of their
own humiliations and follies insights
with which we can begin to judge
ourselves and our sad and compulsive
lives slightly more compassionately
thirdly fun despite talk of Edden ism
and immediate gratification life gives
us constant lessons in the need to be
serious we have to guard our dignity
avoid looking like a fool and pass as a
mature adult the pressure can become
onerous and in the end even dangerous
that’s why we constantly need access to
people we can trust enough to be silly
with them they might most of the time be
training to be a neurosurgeon or
advising middle-sized companies about
their tax liabilities but when we’re
together we can be therapeutically daft
we can put on accents shared lewd
fantasies or do too long a newspaper
adding a huge nose and a missing front
tooth to the President or giving the
fashion model distended ears and masses
of curly hair the fun friend solves the
problem of shame around important but
unprecedented
fourthly clarifying our minds to a
surprising degree it’s very hard to
think on our own the mind is skittish
and squeamish as a result many issues
like confused within us we feel angry
but are not sure why something is wrong
with our job but we can’t pin it down
the thinking friend holds us to the task
they ask gentle but probing questions
which act as a mirror that assists us
with the task of knowing ourselves one
side effect of getting a bit more
precise about what we’re trying to do
with our social lives is that we’re
likely to conclude that in many cases
we’re spending time with people for no
truly identifiable good reason these
proto friends share none of our
professional ambitions or interests they
aren’t reassuring and may indeed be
secretly really very excited by the
possibility of our failure we can’t be
cathartic ly silly around them and they
aren’t in the least bit interested in
furthering our or their path to
self-knowledge they are like so many of
the people in our social lives simply in
our orbit as a result of some unhappy
accident that we’ve been too sentimental
– correct we should dare to be a little
ruthless in this area culling
acquaintances isn’t a sign that we’ve
lost belief in friendship it’s evidence
that we’re starting to get clearer and
therefore more demanding but what a
friendship could really be in the best
way the price of knowing what friendship
is for maybe a few more evenings at home in our own company
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