The Importance of Kissing

one of the constantly surprising aspects
of relationships is just how much
reassurance we need to believe that we
are actively wanted and equally how easy
it is to forget this awkward fact both
about ourselves and the other person the
standard narrative of love tells us that
insecurities about being wanted is going
to be at its height at the start of the
dating period when we are acutely and
rather sweetly conscious of the many
ways in which our partner might not be
keen on taking things further but we
assume once a relationship has started
once there might be children a home and
an established pattern of life then
surely the fear of being unwanted should
disappear but far from it
the fear of being unwanted continues
every day there could always be new
threats to loves integrity just because
we were loved yesterday does not ensure
a sense that we will be needed today
more perniciously if a fear is left to
fester it can lead us to adopt a
defensive position where because we
assume we’re unwanted we start to behave
in a cold and detached way which
encourages the partner to then act
likewise to people who are at heart
very well disposed towards one another
can end up in a cycle of each denying
that they need the other because they
cautiously and preemptively assume that
the other person no longer wants them in
order to try to calm these fears and
cycles of unwanted detachment we should
be sure to institute an apparently small
but in fact crucial ritual into our
lives a morning and evening kiss every
morning before parting no matter how
much in a rush we both are we should
give one another a proper kiss on the
lips for at least seven seconds which is
in reality a very strangely long time
leaned in close together don’t think
about the many things you have to do in
the hours ahead simply concentrate on
the sensation of their mouth
on yours fill your nose against their
skin don’t break off abruptly at the end
keep looking at each other for another
few moments and give a smile the same
should be repeated every evening at the
point of return when we kiss we’re
tapping into a central channel of
emotional connection intimate physical
contact affects us in a way that’s both
distinct from and in many ways superior
to words or ideas we are sensuous
creatures to at least the same degree as
we are rational ones a smile or a caress
can therefore reassure us far more
deeply than can an eloquent phrase or a
well articulated fact like of course I
love you as babies we were soothed by
touch
long before we could understand language
and we continue to need physical contact
in order to believe truly believe that
we do have a place in somebody else’s
life normally a kiss follows from a
tender feeling we have an emotion first
and then we express it but there’s
another way in which our minds can work
a way in which a feeling can follow from
an action the morning and evening kiss
should hence come first independently of
whether or not there is as yet a tender
emotion but then almost for certain if
we go through with a kiss the emotion
will occur it’s very hard to kiss and
feel nothing we may need to make that
rather odd sounding move in love a small
effort the morning and evening kiss
should become a ritual a central feature
of rituals is that we do them whether we
feel like doing them or not the kiss
should take place even if you just had a
rather sarcastic argument or if you’re
racing to an important early meeting or
if you’re feeling resentful better
feelings will follow from it when
leaving the house and heading to the
station we should no longer only ask
whether we’ve remembered the keys or the
rapport we should always ask ourselves
if we’ve done a far more crucial and
love sustaining thing
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