there are so many ways to be unhappy in
love but one kind which modern
psychology has given particular
attention to a relationships very high
in number in which one of the parties is
defined as avoidant in their attachment
patterns and the other as anxious
attachment theory is the term given to a
set of ideas about how we love and the
role of childhood there in originally
developed by the English psychologist
John Bowlby in the 1950s and 60s it
divides up humanity into three
categories according to our varying
capacity to behave with confidence and
trust in relationships firstly there are
those who are securely attached who had
reliable and good childhood experiences
and now expect to be positively treated
by those they love fortunate types who
are capable of empathy and generosity
and communicate with honesty and
directness about their needs around 50%
of the population is assumed to be
securely attached this leaves two
fascinating deviations from health
caused by some form of early parental
letdown and trauma the first kind of
attachment pattern is known as avoidant
the second is anxious what makes things
even more complicated and very
combustible is that avoidant and anxious
people are frequently drawn to forming
couples it’s part of their pathology
couples where they’re varied emotional
quirks contributed to an exceptionally
fraught situation
an anxiously attached person in a
relationship will have the
characteristic feeling of not being
properly appreciated or loved they would
they tell themselves like so much more
closeness tenderness touch and sex and
they’re convinced that such a union
could be possible the person they’re
with however seems to them humiliatingly
and hurtfully detached they never seem
to want them with as much intensity as
they offer them they’re hugely saddened
by their coldness and distance and
gradually fall into Moo
it’s of self-loathing and rejection
feeling unappreciated and misunderstood
as well as vengeful and resentful for a
long time they might keep quiet about
their frustrations until eventually
desperation erupts even if it is a very
inappropriate moment perhaps they and
their partner are exhausted and it’s
past midnight they won’t be able not to
insist on addressing the issues right
now predictably these sort of fights go
very wrong
the anxious lover loses their calm they
exaggerate and drive their points home
with such viciousness that they leave
their partner convinced that they must
be mad or mean a securely attached
partner might know how to soothe the
situation but an avoidant one certainly
doesn’t tragically this avoidant party
triggers every insecurity known to
they’re anxious lover under pressure to
be warmer and more connected the
avoidant partner instinctively withdraws
and feels overwhelmed and hounded they
go cold and disconnect from the
situation only further ramping up the
partners anxiety underneath her silence
the avoidant one resents feeling as they
put it controlled they have the
impression of being got at unfairly
persecuted and disturbed by the others
neediness but they may quietly fantasize
about going off to have sex with someone
else completely preferably a total
stranger or just of going into the other
room and reading a book but probably not
one about psychology
it helps immensely to know that this is
not your relationship only this is a
type and there are quite literally
millions of them unfolding on the planet
at any point even better the causes of
the distress which feel so personal and
so insulting are in fact general
phenomena well studied and mapped by
sober researchers in lab coats the
solution as ever is quite simply
knowledge there is an immense difference
between acting out on ones avoidant or
anxious impulses and as would be so much
more preferable understanding that one
has them grasping where they came from
and explaining to ourselves and others
why they make us do
we do we cannot most of us be wholly
healthy in love but we can be something
almost as beneficial we can grow into
people committed to explaining our
unhealthy
trauma driven behavior in good time
before we have become overly furious and
hurt others too much and apologizing for
our antics after they’ve run their
course there are few things more
romantic in the true sense than a couple
who have learned to tell one another
with wit and composure that they have
been triggered in an avoidant or an
anxious direction but are doing
everything they can to get on top of
things and hope to be normal again in a
little while
love is a skill that we can learn our
relationships book calmly guides us with
calm and charm through the key issues of
relationships to ensure that success in
love need not be a matter of good luck
for more click the link now be sure to
subscribe to our Channel internal notifications
love but one kind which modern
psychology has given particular
attention to a relationships very high
in number in which one of the parties is
defined as avoidant in their attachment
patterns and the other as anxious
attachment theory is the term given to a
set of ideas about how we love and the
role of childhood there in originally
developed by the English psychologist
John Bowlby in the 1950s and 60s it
divides up humanity into three
categories according to our varying
capacity to behave with confidence and
trust in relationships firstly there are
those who are securely attached who had
reliable and good childhood experiences
and now expect to be positively treated
by those they love fortunate types who
are capable of empathy and generosity
and communicate with honesty and
directness about their needs around 50%
of the population is assumed to be
securely attached this leaves two
fascinating deviations from health
caused by some form of early parental
letdown and trauma the first kind of
attachment pattern is known as avoidant
the second is anxious what makes things
even more complicated and very
combustible is that avoidant and anxious
people are frequently drawn to forming
couples it’s part of their pathology
couples where they’re varied emotional
quirks contributed to an exceptionally
fraught situation
an anxiously attached person in a
relationship will have the
characteristic feeling of not being
properly appreciated or loved they would
they tell themselves like so much more
closeness tenderness touch and sex and
they’re convinced that such a union
could be possible the person they’re
with however seems to them humiliatingly
and hurtfully detached they never seem
to want them with as much intensity as
they offer them they’re hugely saddened
by their coldness and distance and
gradually fall into Moo
it’s of self-loathing and rejection
feeling unappreciated and misunderstood
as well as vengeful and resentful for a
long time they might keep quiet about
their frustrations until eventually
desperation erupts even if it is a very
inappropriate moment perhaps they and
their partner are exhausted and it’s
past midnight they won’t be able not to
insist on addressing the issues right
now predictably these sort of fights go
very wrong
the anxious lover loses their calm they
exaggerate and drive their points home
with such viciousness that they leave
their partner convinced that they must
be mad or mean a securely attached
partner might know how to soothe the
situation but an avoidant one certainly
doesn’t tragically this avoidant party
triggers every insecurity known to
they’re anxious lover under pressure to
be warmer and more connected the
avoidant partner instinctively withdraws
and feels overwhelmed and hounded they
go cold and disconnect from the
situation only further ramping up the
partners anxiety underneath her silence
the avoidant one resents feeling as they
put it controlled they have the
impression of being got at unfairly
persecuted and disturbed by the others
neediness but they may quietly fantasize
about going off to have sex with someone
else completely preferably a total
stranger or just of going into the other
room and reading a book but probably not
one about psychology
it helps immensely to know that this is
not your relationship only this is a
type and there are quite literally
millions of them unfolding on the planet
at any point even better the causes of
the distress which feel so personal and
so insulting are in fact general
phenomena well studied and mapped by
sober researchers in lab coats the
solution as ever is quite simply
knowledge there is an immense difference
between acting out on ones avoidant or
anxious impulses and as would be so much
more preferable understanding that one
has them grasping where they came from
and explaining to ourselves and others
why they make us do
we do we cannot most of us be wholly
healthy in love but we can be something
almost as beneficial we can grow into
people committed to explaining our
unhealthy
trauma driven behavior in good time
before we have become overly furious and
hurt others too much and apologizing for
our antics after they’ve run their
course there are few things more
romantic in the true sense than a couple
who have learned to tell one another
with wit and composure that they have
been triggered in an avoidant or an
anxious direction but are doing
everything they can to get on top of
things and hope to be normal again in a
little while
love is a skill that we can learn our
relationships book calmly guides us with
calm and charm through the key issues of
relationships to ensure that success in
love need not be a matter of good luck
for more click the link now be sure to
subscribe to our Channel internal notifications
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