one of the paradoxes of the dating game
is that we know that by coming across as
enthusiastic at an early stage if we
bring them the next day if we’re open
about how attractive we find them if we
suggest meeting them again very soon we
are putting ourselves at a high risk of
disgusting the very person we would so
like to build a relationship with it is
in order to counter this risk that early
on in our dating lives we are taught by
well-meaning friends to adopt a facade
of cruel and indifference we become
experts are deliberately not phoning or
sending messages are treating our dates
in a carefully offhand manner and in
subtly pretending we don’t much care if
we never cross their paths again we are
told that the only way to get them to
care about us is to pretend not to care
for them and in the process we waste a
lot of time we may lose them altogether
and we have to suffer the indignity of
denying that we feel a desire that
should never have been associated with
shame in the first place but we can find
a way out of the conundrum by drilling
deeper into the philosophy that
underpins the well flagged danger of
being overly eager
why is detachment so often recommended
why are we not meant to call too soon
high levels of enthusiasm are generally
not recommended for one central reason
because they have been equated with what
is a true psychological problem manic
dependence in other words calling too
soon has become a symbol of weakness
desperation and the inability to deal
adequately with life’s challenges
without the constant support of a lover
whose real identity the manically keen
party doesn’t much care about because
their underlying priority is to ensure
that they’re never alone without someone
rather than with any one being in
particular but we should note that what
is ultimately the problem is manic
dependence not high enthusiasm the
difficulty is that our cultural
narratives have unfairly glued
these two elements together with an
unnecessarily strong a none budging kind
of adhesive yet there should logically
be an option to disentangle the two
strands that is to be able to reveal
high enthusiasm and at the same time not
thereby to imply manic dependence there
should be an option to appear at once
very keen and very sane the ability to
do so depends on a little-known
emotional art to which we seldom have
recourse or introduction we call it
strong vulnerability the strongly
vulnerable person is a diplomat of the
emotions who manages carefully to unite
on the one hand self-confidence and
independence and on the other a capacity
for closeness self revelation and
honesty it is a balancing act the
strongly vulnerable know how to confess
with authority to a sense of feeling
small they can sound in control even
while revealing that they have an
impression of being lost they can talk
as adults about their childlike
dimensions they can be unfried nning at
the same time as admitting to their own
fears and they can tell us of their
immense desire for us while
simultaneously leaving us under the
impression that they could fully survive
a frank rejection they would love to
build a life with us they imply but they
could very quickly and adroitly find
something else to do if that didn’t
sound much like fun from our side in the
way that the strongly vulnerable speak
of their desire for us we sense a
beguiling mixture of candor and
independence they don’t need to play it
cool because they carry off high
enthusiasm in a way which sidesteps the
dangers that playing cool has
traditionally and nefariously been
associated with what is off-putting
is never in fact that someone likes us
what is frightening is that they seem in
danger of having no options other than
us of not being able to survive without
us manic dependence not enthusiasm is
only ever the problem with this
distinction in mind we should
to tell those we like that we’re really
extremely keen to see them again perhaps
as early as tomorrow night and find them
exceptionally marvelous while
simultaneously leaving them in no doubt
that we could if the answer were no
without trouble and at high speed find
some equally enchanting people to play
with and be bewitched by if you enjoyed
our film please subscribe to our channel
and click the bell icon to turn on
notifications to learn more about love
try our book on how to find love which
explains why we have the types we do and
how our early experiences shape how and whom we love
is that we know that by coming across as
enthusiastic at an early stage if we
bring them the next day if we’re open
about how attractive we find them if we
suggest meeting them again very soon we
are putting ourselves at a high risk of
disgusting the very person we would so
like to build a relationship with it is
in order to counter this risk that early
on in our dating lives we are taught by
well-meaning friends to adopt a facade
of cruel and indifference we become
experts are deliberately not phoning or
sending messages are treating our dates
in a carefully offhand manner and in
subtly pretending we don’t much care if
we never cross their paths again we are
told that the only way to get them to
care about us is to pretend not to care
for them and in the process we waste a
lot of time we may lose them altogether
and we have to suffer the indignity of
denying that we feel a desire that
should never have been associated with
shame in the first place but we can find
a way out of the conundrum by drilling
deeper into the philosophy that
underpins the well flagged danger of
being overly eager
why is detachment so often recommended
why are we not meant to call too soon
high levels of enthusiasm are generally
not recommended for one central reason
because they have been equated with what
is a true psychological problem manic
dependence in other words calling too
soon has become a symbol of weakness
desperation and the inability to deal
adequately with life’s challenges
without the constant support of a lover
whose real identity the manically keen
party doesn’t much care about because
their underlying priority is to ensure
that they’re never alone without someone
rather than with any one being in
particular but we should note that what
is ultimately the problem is manic
dependence not high enthusiasm the
difficulty is that our cultural
narratives have unfairly glued
these two elements together with an
unnecessarily strong a none budging kind
of adhesive yet there should logically
be an option to disentangle the two
strands that is to be able to reveal
high enthusiasm and at the same time not
thereby to imply manic dependence there
should be an option to appear at once
very keen and very sane the ability to
do so depends on a little-known
emotional art to which we seldom have
recourse or introduction we call it
strong vulnerability the strongly
vulnerable person is a diplomat of the
emotions who manages carefully to unite
on the one hand self-confidence and
independence and on the other a capacity
for closeness self revelation and
honesty it is a balancing act the
strongly vulnerable know how to confess
with authority to a sense of feeling
small they can sound in control even
while revealing that they have an
impression of being lost they can talk
as adults about their childlike
dimensions they can be unfried nning at
the same time as admitting to their own
fears and they can tell us of their
immense desire for us while
simultaneously leaving us under the
impression that they could fully survive
a frank rejection they would love to
build a life with us they imply but they
could very quickly and adroitly find
something else to do if that didn’t
sound much like fun from our side in the
way that the strongly vulnerable speak
of their desire for us we sense a
beguiling mixture of candor and
independence they don’t need to play it
cool because they carry off high
enthusiasm in a way which sidesteps the
dangers that playing cool has
traditionally and nefariously been
associated with what is off-putting
is never in fact that someone likes us
what is frightening is that they seem in
danger of having no options other than
us of not being able to survive without
us manic dependence not enthusiasm is
only ever the problem with this
distinction in mind we should
to tell those we like that we’re really
extremely keen to see them again perhaps
as early as tomorrow night and find them
exceptionally marvelous while
simultaneously leaving them in no doubt
that we could if the answer were no
without trouble and at high speed find
some equally enchanting people to play
with and be bewitched by if you enjoyed
our film please subscribe to our channel
and click the bell icon to turn on
notifications to learn more about love
try our book on how to find love which
explains why we have the types we do and
how our early experiences shape how and whom we love
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