one of the most acute questions we ask
ourselves in relation to new friends and
acquaintances is whether or not they
like us the question feels so
significant because depending on how we
answer it in our minds we will either
take steps to deepen the friendship or
as is often the case immediately make
moves to withdraw from it so as to spare
ourselves humiliation and embarrassment
but what’s striking and sad is how
essentially passive we are in relation
to this inquiry we assume that there is
a more or less binary answer that it is
wholly in the remit of the other person
to settle it and that there is nothing
much we could do to shift the verdict
one way or the other either someone
wants to be our friend or they don’t and
the answer while it’s about us is
essentially disconnected from any of our
own initiatives we are here by failing
to apply to other people a basic lesson
we can appreciate well enough when we
study the functioning of our own
judgments we often just don’t know what
we think of other people our moods hover
and sway there are days when we can see
the point of someone and others when
their positive sides elude us entirely
but and this is the key point what
usually helps us to decide what someone
means to us is our sense of what we mean
to them the possibility of friendship
between people
therefore frequently hangs in the
balance because both sides are privately
waiting for a sign from the other one as
to whether or not they are liked before
they dare to show or even register any
enthusiasm of their own both sides
proceed under the tacit assumption that
there is some a priori verdict about
their value that the other person will
be developing in their mind which has no
connection to how they themselves behave
and is impervious to anything they say
or do under pressure we forget the
fundamental malleability within the
question of whether someone wants to be
friends with us or not most of it just
depends on how we
behave to them if we have a little
courage and can keep our deep suspicions
of ourselves and our terror of their
rejection of us at bay we have every
opportunity to turn the situation in our
direction we can dare to persuade them
to see us in a positive light chiefly by
showing a great deal of evidence that we
see them in a positive light we can
apply the full range of techniques of
charm we can remember small things about
them display an interest in what they’ve
been up to laugh at their witty moments
and sympathize with them around their
sorrows though our instinct is to be
close to superstitious in our
understanding of why people like us we
have to be extremely unlucky to land on
people who genuinely show no interest in
a friendship with us once we’ve carried
out a full set of charming interventions
with any level of sincerity and tact
friendships cannot develop until one
side takes a risk of showing they are
ready to like even when there’s as yet
no evidence that they are liked back we
have to realize that whether or not the
other person likes us is going to depend
on what we do not mystically what we are
by nature and that we have the agency to
do rather a lot of things even though we
may initially get very few signs of
their interest they might be looking a
little distracted and behaving in an
offhand way we should assume that this
is only a legacy of a restraint that
Springs from fear that they’re not able
to please and that so long as we keep
showing them warmth and encouragement to
appease their self suspicions the
barriers will eventually come down
it is sad enough when two people dislike
each other it is even sadder when two
people fail to connect because both
parties defensively but falsely guess
that the other one doesn’t like them and
yet out of low self-worth doesn’t take
any risk whatsoever to try and alter the
situation we should stop worrying quite
so much whether or not people like us
and start to do that
more interesting and socially useful
move concentrate on showing that we like
our emotional barometer is a tool that
can help us to more clearly explain our
moods click the link on screen now to find out more
ourselves in relation to new friends and
acquaintances is whether or not they
like us the question feels so
significant because depending on how we
answer it in our minds we will either
take steps to deepen the friendship or
as is often the case immediately make
moves to withdraw from it so as to spare
ourselves humiliation and embarrassment
but what’s striking and sad is how
essentially passive we are in relation
to this inquiry we assume that there is
a more or less binary answer that it is
wholly in the remit of the other person
to settle it and that there is nothing
much we could do to shift the verdict
one way or the other either someone
wants to be our friend or they don’t and
the answer while it’s about us is
essentially disconnected from any of our
own initiatives we are here by failing
to apply to other people a basic lesson
we can appreciate well enough when we
study the functioning of our own
judgments we often just don’t know what
we think of other people our moods hover
and sway there are days when we can see
the point of someone and others when
their positive sides elude us entirely
but and this is the key point what
usually helps us to decide what someone
means to us is our sense of what we mean
to them the possibility of friendship
between people
therefore frequently hangs in the
balance because both sides are privately
waiting for a sign from the other one as
to whether or not they are liked before
they dare to show or even register any
enthusiasm of their own both sides
proceed under the tacit assumption that
there is some a priori verdict about
their value that the other person will
be developing in their mind which has no
connection to how they themselves behave
and is impervious to anything they say
or do under pressure we forget the
fundamental malleability within the
question of whether someone wants to be
friends with us or not most of it just
depends on how we
behave to them if we have a little
courage and can keep our deep suspicions
of ourselves and our terror of their
rejection of us at bay we have every
opportunity to turn the situation in our
direction we can dare to persuade them
to see us in a positive light chiefly by
showing a great deal of evidence that we
see them in a positive light we can
apply the full range of techniques of
charm we can remember small things about
them display an interest in what they’ve
been up to laugh at their witty moments
and sympathize with them around their
sorrows though our instinct is to be
close to superstitious in our
understanding of why people like us we
have to be extremely unlucky to land on
people who genuinely show no interest in
a friendship with us once we’ve carried
out a full set of charming interventions
with any level of sincerity and tact
friendships cannot develop until one
side takes a risk of showing they are
ready to like even when there’s as yet
no evidence that they are liked back we
have to realize that whether or not the
other person likes us is going to depend
on what we do not mystically what we are
by nature and that we have the agency to
do rather a lot of things even though we
may initially get very few signs of
their interest they might be looking a
little distracted and behaving in an
offhand way we should assume that this
is only a legacy of a restraint that
Springs from fear that they’re not able
to please and that so long as we keep
showing them warmth and encouragement to
appease their self suspicions the
barriers will eventually come down
it is sad enough when two people dislike
each other it is even sadder when two
people fail to connect because both
parties defensively but falsely guess
that the other one doesn’t like them and
yet out of low self-worth doesn’t take
any risk whatsoever to try and alter the
situation we should stop worrying quite
so much whether or not people like us
and start to do that
more interesting and socially useful
move concentrate on showing that we like
our emotional barometer is a tool that
can help us to more clearly explain our
moods click the link on screen now to find out more
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