this video is sponsored by Skillshare
click the link in the description for
more information being someone who
pleases people sounds on the face of it
like a very good idea but it’s a pattern
of behavior riddled with problems as
much for the perpetrator as for their
audience the people pleaser is someone
who might at times be oneself who feels
they have no option but to mold
themselves to the expectations of others
and yet harbors all manner of secret and
appoints dangerous reservations and
resentments they act like the perfect
lover when their real feelings are much
darker they give their assent to plans
they hate and they confuse everyone
around them by failing to express in due
time with the requisite courage their
authentic needs and ambitions putting it
bluntly we could say that the people
pleaser is a liar
it sounds brutal but the people pleaser
is lying for poignant reasons not in
order to gain advantage but because they
are terrified of the displeasure of
others to understand and potentially
sympathise with the people pleaser we
need to look at that past which almost
invariably involves an early experience
of being around people usually a mother
or father who seemed to be radically and
terrifyingly incapable of accepting and
forgiving certain necessary but perhaps
tricky facts about their child perhaps
our father flew into volcanic rage at
any sign of disagreement to present an
opposing political idea to suggest we
wanted something different to eat to be
frank about our tiredness or anxiety all
these could threaten us with
annihilation to survive we needed to be
acutely responsive to what others
expected us to do and say the very
question of what we might really want
became secondary to an infinitely more
important priority manically
second-guessing the desires of those on
whom at that time our lives depended we
didn’t always lie out of fear it was
also often out
love for someone we were profoundly
attached to but who was vulnerable in
some way we lied at a belonging not to
set off another marital Rao a desire to
keep a depressive parent in a good mood
and to avoid adding a further burden to
what seemed like an already very
difficult or sad life who were we to
make things even more complicated for a
fragile person we cared for however
understandable the origins of our
behavior in the more reflexive moments
of adulthood we might find three paths
out from these difficult patterns of
people pleasing the first relies on
reminding ourselves that our colleagues
partners and friends are almost
certainly very different from the people
around whom our anxieties evolved in
childhood most humans can cope quite
well with a bit of contradiction a dose
of unwelcome information or an
occasional rejection delivered with
requisite politeness the other is not
going to explode or dissolve we learned
a very particular habit of relating to
the world around a group of people who
were not representative of humanity as a
whole
secondly we need to acknowledge the
inadvertently harmful side effects of
our behavior we may genuinely have good
intentions but we are endangering
everyone by not speaking more frankly at
work we aren’t doing anyone a service by
withholding our doubts and reservations
and in love there is no kindness in
staying in a relationship simply because
it seems the other might not survive
without us they will but we will have
wasted a lot of their time through our
sentimentality finally we can acquire
the confidence to be artful about the
difficult messages we have to impart as
a child we couldn’t new us the messages
we wanted to send out we didn’t know how
to craft our raw pain and needs into
convincing explanations but now it’s
open to us to be firm in our views but
extremely genial as well we can say no
while indicating that we feel a lot of
goodwill we can say someone is wrong
without implying that they are an idiot
we can leave someone while ensuring
they realize how much a relationship
meant to us we can in other words be
pleasant without being people pleasers
we partnered with Skillshare today as it
is a fantastic starting point for anyone
also looking to learn new skills and
they have given us an amazing offer to
pass on to you the first 500 people to
sign up using the link in the
description will receive a two-month
free trial if you haven’t heard of
Skillshare before it’s home to thousands
of classes in graphic design animation
web development music photography design
and more you can start learning how to
do just about anything in two months you
could easily learn the skills you need
to start a new hobby or business is
there a project that you’ve been
dreaming of completing but just aren’t
sure if you have the skills to do it
why not start right now and sign up to skill share using the link below
click the link in the description for
more information being someone who
pleases people sounds on the face of it
like a very good idea but it’s a pattern
of behavior riddled with problems as
much for the perpetrator as for their
audience the people pleaser is someone
who might at times be oneself who feels
they have no option but to mold
themselves to the expectations of others
and yet harbors all manner of secret and
appoints dangerous reservations and
resentments they act like the perfect
lover when their real feelings are much
darker they give their assent to plans
they hate and they confuse everyone
around them by failing to express in due
time with the requisite courage their
authentic needs and ambitions putting it
bluntly we could say that the people
pleaser is a liar
it sounds brutal but the people pleaser
is lying for poignant reasons not in
order to gain advantage but because they
are terrified of the displeasure of
others to understand and potentially
sympathise with the people pleaser we
need to look at that past which almost
invariably involves an early experience
of being around people usually a mother
or father who seemed to be radically and
terrifyingly incapable of accepting and
forgiving certain necessary but perhaps
tricky facts about their child perhaps
our father flew into volcanic rage at
any sign of disagreement to present an
opposing political idea to suggest we
wanted something different to eat to be
frank about our tiredness or anxiety all
these could threaten us with
annihilation to survive we needed to be
acutely responsive to what others
expected us to do and say the very
question of what we might really want
became secondary to an infinitely more
important priority manically
second-guessing the desires of those on
whom at that time our lives depended we
didn’t always lie out of fear it was
also often out
love for someone we were profoundly
attached to but who was vulnerable in
some way we lied at a belonging not to
set off another marital Rao a desire to
keep a depressive parent in a good mood
and to avoid adding a further burden to
what seemed like an already very
difficult or sad life who were we to
make things even more complicated for a
fragile person we cared for however
understandable the origins of our
behavior in the more reflexive moments
of adulthood we might find three paths
out from these difficult patterns of
people pleasing the first relies on
reminding ourselves that our colleagues
partners and friends are almost
certainly very different from the people
around whom our anxieties evolved in
childhood most humans can cope quite
well with a bit of contradiction a dose
of unwelcome information or an
occasional rejection delivered with
requisite politeness the other is not
going to explode or dissolve we learned
a very particular habit of relating to
the world around a group of people who
were not representative of humanity as a
whole
secondly we need to acknowledge the
inadvertently harmful side effects of
our behavior we may genuinely have good
intentions but we are endangering
everyone by not speaking more frankly at
work we aren’t doing anyone a service by
withholding our doubts and reservations
and in love there is no kindness in
staying in a relationship simply because
it seems the other might not survive
without us they will but we will have
wasted a lot of their time through our
sentimentality finally we can acquire
the confidence to be artful about the
difficult messages we have to impart as
a child we couldn’t new us the messages
we wanted to send out we didn’t know how
to craft our raw pain and needs into
convincing explanations but now it’s
open to us to be firm in our views but
extremely genial as well we can say no
while indicating that we feel a lot of
goodwill we can say someone is wrong
without implying that they are an idiot
we can leave someone while ensuring
they realize how much a relationship
meant to us we can in other words be
pleasant without being people pleasers
we partnered with Skillshare today as it
is a fantastic starting point for anyone
also looking to learn new skills and
they have given us an amazing offer to
pass on to you the first 500 people to
sign up using the link in the
description will receive a two-month
free trial if you haven’t heard of
Skillshare before it’s home to thousands
of classes in graphic design animation
web development music photography design
and more you can start learning how to
do just about anything in two months you
could easily learn the skills you need
to start a new hobby or business is
there a project that you’ve been
dreaming of completing but just aren’t
sure if you have the skills to do it
why not start right now and sign up to skill share using the link below
Please follow and like us: