the goal can be stated simply enough the
overwhelming priority when on a date
with someone we like is to persuade them
to like us back but the simplicity of
the mission masks the complexity
required to achieve it typically the
advice focuses on externals what to wear
when to unfurl a napkin what to order
with such counsel however well-meaning
is at odds with what we ourselves know
about attraction that it is but found ly
focused on psychology however much we
may deny it to friends a date is
ultimately a search for a potential
long-term partner
so what really renders someone
attractive on dates are signs that they
are emotionally well equipped for what
good enough long-term relationships
require the capacity to find an ideal
full-bodied Italian wine on a menu may
be impressive but what we’re really
alert for assigns that someone is going
to be a decent companion twenty years
from now when we’ve just received a
difficult medical diagnosis or a feeling
weepy and ashamed at the progress of our
careers here then are some of the things
that we might do to prove attractive to
another person on a date firstly tell
them that we are a bit mad we might in
the course of the conversation light
heartedly drop in that we’re not quite
sane perhaps we have great difficulty
getting to sleep or get very anxious in
social situations the key is that as we
reveal these vulnerabilities we can
suggest we have a mature compassionate
unruffled relationship to them what we
require in a partner is not someone who
is perfect but someone with a good
handle on their manifold imperfections
someone who can warn us of these in good
time and not act them out in ways that
will ruin our lives
it is deeply reassuring to witness
vulnerability well-worn and madness
confidently understood to see someone
mature enough to talk about their
immaturity z’ in an undefended and
serenely curious way conversely there
should be nothing more terrifying on a
date that a person who sticks a little
too aggressively to the
idea that they are totally sane and
entirely normal anyone over the age of
20 possessed of the idea that they are
easy to live with has evidently not
begun to understand themselves or their
impact on others we should probably skip
dessert and head home early secondly ask
our partners have they are a bit mad the
inquiry should sound playful natural and
wholly compassionate we should create a
safe space in which we imply that it’s
extremely unsurprising that our date
should be a bit broken in certain areas
everyone just is we can gently inquire
into what makes them in particular
anxious or depressed what was untenable
difficult in their childhoods or what
they in particular regret and are
ashamed of this can prove charming
because what we’re all ‘tom utley
looking for in love and not people who
find us perfect but people who will not
flinch from the sight of our wounds we
want to be seen for who we really are
and forgiving not mistaken for someone
else idealized
and then one day condemned thirdly
reveal that we’ve been a bit lonely and
sad lately we often assume that people
on dates want to hear that things are
going brilliantly for us and that we
become winning for others when we can
show that with triumphing in the world
but what really walls us to others is
evidence that they share in some of the
very difficulties and confusions that we
are beset by a not private selves if
love involves a desire for an end to
loneliness then some of what we no
longer want to be lonely with or are
more melancholy dimensions that most
people have no time for or interest in
how seductive therefore to stumble on
someone around whom we sense will no
longer have to be jolly in a brittle way
someone who can give us room through
their own candor two confessions of
feelings of loss or sorrow there can be
few things more charming on a date than
to hear from someone who looks extremely
self possessed and competent that
they’ve been feeling unusually isolated
and very perplexed of
they are showing us the fertilized soil
in which our love can grow earthly pay
some compliments we can understandably
get anxious at the idea of having to pay
our dates and compliments the approach
can feel too direct demanding almost
sleazy but there is an art to good
compliments that starts from a different
place a recognition that most of us
struggle to maintain a basic grasp on
what is decent and good about us and
privately hunger to hear from someone
else certain basic but psychologically
sustaining things about our characters
things that sound unbelievable when we
try to say them to ourselves that we are
wholly stupid that we are sometimes
funny or perceptive and have a few
qualities to contribute to the world we
can be so worried by our own
inadequacies that we forget that the
person across the table from us will
have an equally large share of them
which it lies within our power to calm
these antics and more belong to a
properly rich sense of what we might
need to talk about on the audition of
our lives that we call the touching
modesty a date to learn more about love
try our book on how to find love which
explains why we have the types we do and
how our early experiences shape how and whom we love
overwhelming priority when on a date
with someone we like is to persuade them
to like us back but the simplicity of
the mission masks the complexity
required to achieve it typically the
advice focuses on externals what to wear
when to unfurl a napkin what to order
with such counsel however well-meaning
is at odds with what we ourselves know
about attraction that it is but found ly
focused on psychology however much we
may deny it to friends a date is
ultimately a search for a potential
long-term partner
so what really renders someone
attractive on dates are signs that they
are emotionally well equipped for what
good enough long-term relationships
require the capacity to find an ideal
full-bodied Italian wine on a menu may
be impressive but what we’re really
alert for assigns that someone is going
to be a decent companion twenty years
from now when we’ve just received a
difficult medical diagnosis or a feeling
weepy and ashamed at the progress of our
careers here then are some of the things
that we might do to prove attractive to
another person on a date firstly tell
them that we are a bit mad we might in
the course of the conversation light
heartedly drop in that we’re not quite
sane perhaps we have great difficulty
getting to sleep or get very anxious in
social situations the key is that as we
reveal these vulnerabilities we can
suggest we have a mature compassionate
unruffled relationship to them what we
require in a partner is not someone who
is perfect but someone with a good
handle on their manifold imperfections
someone who can warn us of these in good
time and not act them out in ways that
will ruin our lives
it is deeply reassuring to witness
vulnerability well-worn and madness
confidently understood to see someone
mature enough to talk about their
immaturity z’ in an undefended and
serenely curious way conversely there
should be nothing more terrifying on a
date that a person who sticks a little
too aggressively to the
idea that they are totally sane and
entirely normal anyone over the age of
20 possessed of the idea that they are
easy to live with has evidently not
begun to understand themselves or their
impact on others we should probably skip
dessert and head home early secondly ask
our partners have they are a bit mad the
inquiry should sound playful natural and
wholly compassionate we should create a
safe space in which we imply that it’s
extremely unsurprising that our date
should be a bit broken in certain areas
everyone just is we can gently inquire
into what makes them in particular
anxious or depressed what was untenable
difficult in their childhoods or what
they in particular regret and are
ashamed of this can prove charming
because what we’re all ‘tom utley
looking for in love and not people who
find us perfect but people who will not
flinch from the sight of our wounds we
want to be seen for who we really are
and forgiving not mistaken for someone
else idealized
and then one day condemned thirdly
reveal that we’ve been a bit lonely and
sad lately we often assume that people
on dates want to hear that things are
going brilliantly for us and that we
become winning for others when we can
show that with triumphing in the world
but what really walls us to others is
evidence that they share in some of the
very difficulties and confusions that we
are beset by a not private selves if
love involves a desire for an end to
loneliness then some of what we no
longer want to be lonely with or are
more melancholy dimensions that most
people have no time for or interest in
how seductive therefore to stumble on
someone around whom we sense will no
longer have to be jolly in a brittle way
someone who can give us room through
their own candor two confessions of
feelings of loss or sorrow there can be
few things more charming on a date than
to hear from someone who looks extremely
self possessed and competent that
they’ve been feeling unusually isolated
and very perplexed of
they are showing us the fertilized soil
in which our love can grow earthly pay
some compliments we can understandably
get anxious at the idea of having to pay
our dates and compliments the approach
can feel too direct demanding almost
sleazy but there is an art to good
compliments that starts from a different
place a recognition that most of us
struggle to maintain a basic grasp on
what is decent and good about us and
privately hunger to hear from someone
else certain basic but psychologically
sustaining things about our characters
things that sound unbelievable when we
try to say them to ourselves that we are
wholly stupid that we are sometimes
funny or perceptive and have a few
qualities to contribute to the world we
can be so worried by our own
inadequacies that we forget that the
person across the table from us will
have an equally large share of them
which it lies within our power to calm
these antics and more belong to a
properly rich sense of what we might
need to talk about on the audition of
our lives that we call the touching
modesty a date to learn more about love
try our book on how to find love which
explains why we have the types we do and
how our early experiences shape how and whom we love
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