the intensity and suffering exact it by
a heartbreak depends not only on the
core fact that we’ve been left it also
decisively depends on how we’ve been
left our hurt can be hugely intensified
when we’ve been left badly just as it
may be rendered a great deal more
bearable when we’re fortunate enough to
have landed on a lover who has learnt
the psychologically rich art of mature
breakups there are certain things
guaranteed to make a breakup worse than
it ever needs to be all decisions around
relationships should be taken with the
awareness that life is desperately short
for both parties if therefore really
shouldn’t matter if the holiday has
already been booked or if preparations
for our birthday are awkwardly well
underway as soon as the decision is
taken a courageous lover will not differ
out of a misplaced desire not to upset
pre-existing plans they know they must
leave their ruining things of course but
they can see that the holiday or
restaurant meal would in any case be
doomed and they’re kind enough to know
not to waste any more of our precious
time a wise departing lover knows not to
accuse the other of more sins than
they’re guilty of it’s not they know our
fault that their careers going wrong and
we truly aren’t responsible for their
insomnia or the conflicts with their
brother the wise lover keeps the list of
accusations down to the specific
problems that necessitated a breakup
they don’t use the parting as an
occasion to rehearse all that happens to
be a bit wrong with us inevitably far
longer but here irrelevant chargesheet
[Music]
the most harmful lovers are those who
labor under a misplaced impression that
they need to be nice even when they are
firing us but there is in fact no need
for honeyed words we simply require the
basic information and then some privacy
to put ourselves back together again
indeed ongoing niceness simply confuses
us all the more the tenderness makes us
aid to restart the relationship for
there seems no reason why not given how
they are behaving clumsy lovers are so
scared of the news they have to share
with us they can’t bear to come out with
it and therefore let it seep out in odd
symptomatic ways they start drinking too
much or come home very late or advance
odd sounding theories about
relationships they hope through their
strange and harmful behavior to be fired
rather than to have to resign in sly and
unfair ways they seek to push us to take
the agonizing next step on the other
hand there is so much that can spare us
excessive pain at the end kind departing
lovers make a sharp break once they’ve
decided they move swiftly to letting us
know they clear off quickly they don’t
hold out hints for reconciliation
they don’t suggest that if we changed in
certain ways they’d reconsider it’s
awful of course but there’s a vein of
mature kindness in there brusque manner
in an obviously difficult situation they
are sparing us the extended torture of
false hope a good departing lovers try
to explain in convincing ways why the
relationship didn’t work out they might
point out for instance that you are both
really quite anxious by nature and
therefore struggle to soothe and calm
each other this isn’t so much a
complaint about you as an observation
about why the fit between you as a
couple wasn’t very helpful oh they may
explore the ways in which the two of you
have powerfully divergent attitudes to
money and
hence are set on a serious collision
course they’re not saying you horrendous
or a fool just that the two of you turn
out not to be very adept partners for
nice departing lovers let us see an
actively remind us of what’s not so nice
or good about them they admit that they
brought a lot of difficult things into
the relationship they admit perhaps that
they are obsessed by work they may
acknowledge that they’re bossy or very
controlling they might be open about
their unfaithful nature they are doing
us the kindness of showing us that life
with them would be seriously difficult
in major ways we’re losing them but
we’re not losing the prospect of a
good departing lovers know that the news
they’re breaking will inevitably lead to
them being hated for a time they are
brave in the face of this they don’t
suffer from the fateful and sentimental
desire to be loved by people they no
longer love we’re gradually
disentangling two distinct sources of
pain which mean very different things
there’s the sorrow of losing someone we
liked but they may well also be the
suffering caused by the unfortunate ways
a lover acted at the end we may not be
able to escape the agony of broken
hearts but we can always strive to keep
it to a very basic minimum our
resilience cards are designed to help us
become tougher in the face of adversity
to learn more follow the link on screen now
a heartbreak depends not only on the
core fact that we’ve been left it also
decisively depends on how we’ve been
left our hurt can be hugely intensified
when we’ve been left badly just as it
may be rendered a great deal more
bearable when we’re fortunate enough to
have landed on a lover who has learnt
the psychologically rich art of mature
breakups there are certain things
guaranteed to make a breakup worse than
it ever needs to be all decisions around
relationships should be taken with the
awareness that life is desperately short
for both parties if therefore really
shouldn’t matter if the holiday has
already been booked or if preparations
for our birthday are awkwardly well
underway as soon as the decision is
taken a courageous lover will not differ
out of a misplaced desire not to upset
pre-existing plans they know they must
leave their ruining things of course but
they can see that the holiday or
restaurant meal would in any case be
doomed and they’re kind enough to know
not to waste any more of our precious
time a wise departing lover knows not to
accuse the other of more sins than
they’re guilty of it’s not they know our
fault that their careers going wrong and
we truly aren’t responsible for their
insomnia or the conflicts with their
brother the wise lover keeps the list of
accusations down to the specific
problems that necessitated a breakup
they don’t use the parting as an
occasion to rehearse all that happens to
be a bit wrong with us inevitably far
longer but here irrelevant chargesheet
[Music]
the most harmful lovers are those who
labor under a misplaced impression that
they need to be nice even when they are
firing us but there is in fact no need
for honeyed words we simply require the
basic information and then some privacy
to put ourselves back together again
indeed ongoing niceness simply confuses
us all the more the tenderness makes us
aid to restart the relationship for
there seems no reason why not given how
they are behaving clumsy lovers are so
scared of the news they have to share
with us they can’t bear to come out with
it and therefore let it seep out in odd
symptomatic ways they start drinking too
much or come home very late or advance
odd sounding theories about
relationships they hope through their
strange and harmful behavior to be fired
rather than to have to resign in sly and
unfair ways they seek to push us to take
the agonizing next step on the other
hand there is so much that can spare us
excessive pain at the end kind departing
lovers make a sharp break once they’ve
decided they move swiftly to letting us
know they clear off quickly they don’t
hold out hints for reconciliation
they don’t suggest that if we changed in
certain ways they’d reconsider it’s
awful of course but there’s a vein of
mature kindness in there brusque manner
in an obviously difficult situation they
are sparing us the extended torture of
false hope a good departing lovers try
to explain in convincing ways why the
relationship didn’t work out they might
point out for instance that you are both
really quite anxious by nature and
therefore struggle to soothe and calm
each other this isn’t so much a
complaint about you as an observation
about why the fit between you as a
couple wasn’t very helpful oh they may
explore the ways in which the two of you
have powerfully divergent attitudes to
money and
hence are set on a serious collision
course they’re not saying you horrendous
or a fool just that the two of you turn
out not to be very adept partners for
nice departing lovers let us see an
actively remind us of what’s not so nice
or good about them they admit that they
brought a lot of difficult things into
the relationship they admit perhaps that
they are obsessed by work they may
acknowledge that they’re bossy or very
controlling they might be open about
their unfaithful nature they are doing
us the kindness of showing us that life
with them would be seriously difficult
in major ways we’re losing them but
we’re not losing the prospect of a
good departing lovers know that the news
they’re breaking will inevitably lead to
them being hated for a time they are
brave in the face of this they don’t
suffer from the fateful and sentimental
desire to be loved by people they no
longer love we’re gradually
disentangling two distinct sources of
pain which mean very different things
there’s the sorrow of losing someone we
liked but they may well also be the
suffering caused by the unfortunate ways
a lover acted at the end we may not be
able to escape the agony of broken
hearts but we can always strive to keep
it to a very basic minimum our
resilience cards are designed to help us
become tougher in the face of adversity
to learn more follow the link on screen now
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