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Are You Difficult to Love?


the idea that one is in many ways an
extremely difficult person to be in a
relationship with may sound rather
improbable and even appoints offensive
yet fully understanding and readily and
graciously admitting to this possibility
might be the surest way of making sure
one is an endurable proposition over the
long term there are few people more
deeply insufferable than those who don’t
at regular intervals suspect they might
be so we are all of us invariably hugely
tricky characters we don’t need to know
anyone in particular to know this about
everyone we have all in some way or
another being in adequately parented we
have a panoply of unfortunate
psychological traits we’re beset by bad
habits
we’re anxious jealous ill-tempered and
vain we are bringing an awesome amount
of trouble into someone else’s life by
agreeing to be that partner we tend to
be shielded from this unwelcome news
prior to a big relationship through a
mixture of sentimentality and neglect
our parents loved us too much to tell us
our friends don’t want to get bogged
down in detailed critiques of our
personalities a pleasant occasional meal
is all they want from us and our exes
were too keen to escape from us to offer
up a helpfully detailed critique of our
personalities they simply told us they
needed a little bit more space or needed
to take a long trip to India furthermore
when we’re on our own we just don’t
notice how annoying we might well be in
the eyes of others perhaps we were in a
sulk for the whole of Sunday but no one
was there to be driven crazy by our
self-pity and are passive fury we may
have tendencies to use our work as an
escape from intimacy but so long as
we’re not permanently with someone we
can pass off our eccentric hours without
comment are peculiar eating habits won’t
be real until there is another person
across the table to register on
challenging chewing sounds and
ingredient combinations
eventually a partner will call us out on
these traits it feels like a horrible
personal attack which a nicer person
wouldn’t put us through
it’s no such thing it’s an inevitable
response to our failings which anyone
would need eventually to bring up our
partner is not really doing anything odd
they’re merely holding up a mirror
everyone’s seen close up has an
appalling amount wrong with their
characters it’s not us it’s the human
condition the specifics vary hugely of
course people in nightmarish in
different ways but the basic point is
there whatever we think or feel about
ourselves we will be revealed as sorely
defective upon close-up prolonged
inspection sadly it’s not that our
partner is being too critical or
unusually demanding they are the bearer
of an inevitable bit of bad news but we
are a nightmare being asked to
acknowledge ones floors isn’t a request
to admit something very strange what
would be strange would be to think that
one was without major defects of course
we have some delightful qualities as
well but it does mean that we are
unavoidably going to be very hard for
another person to live around
we need therefore to ask ourselves in as
candid a manner as we can manage what
specifically might be slightly crazy or
desperate or undeveloped in our
characters maturity involves having
quite a detailed answer to the question
how are you difficult to live with a
presumption of one’s own innocence is at
the heart of self-righteousness
and cruelty because our minds make a
blank at this point and remember only
our tender and beautiful sides we should
for example when I’m annoyed I have a
tendency to when I feel hurt I when I’m
tired I around money I can be a bit
difficult because
I guess I worry really quite a lot about
I suppose I might be a bit of a handful
around sex because the point of
prompting greater awareness of our
questionable patterns of behavior isn’t
to feel guilty or ashamed about them
just to see how easily they could be
confusing disturbing and annoying to
another person we need before we commit
ourselves to a relationship to get fully
acquainted with all the ways in which we
are going to be a serious challenge to
our relationship reboot cards inspire
conversations that can help to rekindle love between you and your partner
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