[Music]
I don’t think I’ve been just Carl since
that day
PTSD to me is not a disorder that is a
reasonable reaction does something
traumatic that you have been through
[Music]
looking back we were also green we had
no idea what we were doing
SolarCity was one of the loudest places
I’ve ever been
everything was trying to sell your
eardrums and then you blinked they all
disappeared
I just knew as soon as all those people
scattered that we were in trouble in
that moment my heart sank
[Music]
then first crack at the bullet that goes
well everything changed in that one
instant
my brain couldn’t process everything
that was going on
I just lifted up that machine gun and
squeeze that trigger
that’s the first time I took a human
life
the super vivid details of everything
kind of fade out and then like somebody
just turned the lights out I’ll just
have a blank spot like there’s nothing
there and my brain is saying no that
didn’t happen you weren’t even there but
every now and again my brain gives me
pieces of stuff and it always starts out
the same way oh I’ll have a dream one
night I get like a fuzzy image of
something in it it may only be something
as quick as you know me walking down out
of that alleyway
and one I’ll wake up I have to think it
was that a memories at a dream
most people would just want to forget
what happened but these are the moments
that defined my life until I can
remember all this stuff it’s like a
piece of me is missing and I need that
piece back one in particular from my
vantage point on the first roof that I
was on I can remember hearing people
talking the voices were so close they
could throw a grenade onto the rooftop
they were wrong
[Music]
and I was about to fire that 40 mic
it was six civilians
poor women and just a couple little kids
there was a man who’s probably in his
30s we locked eyes
there was a motion there’s fear hate
there’s love
he knew that I was I was about to
destroy everything that he cared about
and he was just trying to protect them
[Music]
we never talked I never saw him again
that I know if but me and him have more
of a bond and people who I’ve known my
whole life
there’s one thing I can look back on
that day and be happy about it’s that
moment and if it had gone just a little
bit differently I don’t know if I ever
would have been able to you know to live
with things that happen that day
it lets me know that I wasn’t just
killing people aimlessly
I might not be Carl anymore but I know
that I’m not a monster
[Music]
[Music]
[Music]
[Music]
you
I don’t think I’ve been just Carl since
that day
PTSD to me is not a disorder that is a
reasonable reaction does something
traumatic that you have been through
[Music]
looking back we were also green we had
no idea what we were doing
SolarCity was one of the loudest places
I’ve ever been
everything was trying to sell your
eardrums and then you blinked they all
disappeared
I just knew as soon as all those people
scattered that we were in trouble in
that moment my heart sank
[Music]
then first crack at the bullet that goes
well everything changed in that one
instant
my brain couldn’t process everything
that was going on
I just lifted up that machine gun and
squeeze that trigger
that’s the first time I took a human
life
the super vivid details of everything
kind of fade out and then like somebody
just turned the lights out I’ll just
have a blank spot like there’s nothing
there and my brain is saying no that
didn’t happen you weren’t even there but
every now and again my brain gives me
pieces of stuff and it always starts out
the same way oh I’ll have a dream one
night I get like a fuzzy image of
something in it it may only be something
as quick as you know me walking down out
of that alleyway
and one I’ll wake up I have to think it
was that a memories at a dream
most people would just want to forget
what happened but these are the moments
that defined my life until I can
remember all this stuff it’s like a
piece of me is missing and I need that
piece back one in particular from my
vantage point on the first roof that I
was on I can remember hearing people
talking the voices were so close they
could throw a grenade onto the rooftop
they were wrong
[Music]
and I was about to fire that 40 mic
it was six civilians
poor women and just a couple little kids
there was a man who’s probably in his
30s we locked eyes
there was a motion there’s fear hate
there’s love
he knew that I was I was about to
destroy everything that he cared about
and he was just trying to protect them
[Music]
we never talked I never saw him again
that I know if but me and him have more
of a bond and people who I’ve known my
whole life
there’s one thing I can look back on
that day and be happy about it’s that
moment and if it had gone just a little
bit differently I don’t know if I ever
would have been able to you know to live
with things that happen that day
it lets me know that I wasn’t just
killing people aimlessly
I might not be Carl anymore but I know
that I’m not a monster
[Music]
[Music]
[Music]
[Music]
you
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