what are the guiding forces in any
extraordinary relationship what keeps
people out of relationships what stops
people from really experiencing the love
and passion they deserve when I talk to
people all the time and they’re they’ve
got everything else handling their life
their businesses are great they they
have great friends their body’s in great
shape but there’s one area that so many
people are missing out on and that is
that deep passionate connection with the
person they desire and deserve this film
is about the kind of action you can take
today to bring that emotional juice into
yourself and into your partner or to
attract that ideal partner to you I can
promise you that whatever stage in life
you are right now the principles you’re
going to learn in this series of films
audio sessions and action workbooks will
be extraordinary useful in understanding
and overcoming any challenges you may be
experiencing your relationship I know
this sounds like hyperbole but I gotta
tell you I’ve been doing this for 28
years I work with 3 million people live
in seminars from 80 different countries
in the world at this point I could be an
idiot and I have to say there are
patterns and human behavior and there’s
certainly patterns in human relationship
what you’re gonna learn in this series
is that it starts with you but it’s your
fears it’s your own limitations it’s
your own patterns that get in the way of
your capacity to connect and stay
connected with a kind of person that
would light you up and that you could
light up as well so if you really want
to maximize not only the quality of your
relationship but the joy and fulfillment
that you experience together then I’m
gonna ask you not only to listen these
films but in some cases listen or watch
them again and again and get the
repetition in your body but most
importantly take the actions I’m
suggesting don’t just take the
information and that’s fine to start
with but actions what’s gonna change
your life now in this session you’re
gonna listen to a conversation I had
with a young woman named tawny a
beautiful young woman she had an
extraordinarily successful career she
had great friends great relationship
with her mom
but she found herself struggling with
depression how do you do that how does
that happen how do you struggle with the
browser when you got everything going
for you Sonne
people do and the reason is you’re gonna
learn a principle in this first tape
that’s crucial to understanding yourself
or any other human beeings behavior if
you’ve ever asked why did I do that or
how the heck of this person do that I’m
gonna tell you the answer whatever human
beings do they have a reason they have a
specific reason it may not be conscious
it may be unconscious but I’ll tell you
what it is
this behavior even if it’s painful on
the surface meets a need within this
individual we all have six human needs
and part of what you’re going to learn
during this series is human needs
psychology the fundamental basic
understandings of what makes us do what
we do what drives us what shapes the way
that we function as human beings these
drives these belief systems and the
emotions that we’ve learned to live with
that we’ve gotten used to the
frustration or the depression or the joy
or the happiness whatever your emotional
habits are the beliefs you have and the
drives that are the focus of your life
are affecting everything in your life
not only your relationship but your body
your emotions your finances and
everything else in between so remember
if someone continues to do a behavior
even a behavior that seems hurtful it’s
being reinforced by something there’s
some need being met and that’s the
mystery that will be uncovered in this
conversation with tawny you’ll see that
this emotional pattern of depression or
for some people could be anger or
somebody else I’d be guilt or distrust
or whatever it can take root in
anybody’s life and it starts to take
control of your life your relationship
and it gets in the way of everything
that you want to create in your life
everything you want to really accomplish
or at least parts of your life because
some people are doing great in their
career but they’ve got a terrible
relationship with their kids or they’re
great with the kids but they’re
overweight or they’re weights in great
shape but they’re broke or in this case
everything else is great but their
relationships suck to be a technical
term so the bottom line is is the
conversation unfolds listen for and
notice how tawny actually uses
depression unconsciously to meet some of
her needs but in a way that
unfortunately is destructive to herself
and some of the people she loves most
and cares about most here’s gonna be the
secretive state once you recognize these
patterns you’re gonna learn ways to make
choices to intervene in these pattern
may have been guiding your life for a
long time to make a breakthrough to make
a bold new life by making brand new
decisions and taking action on them
immediately
with passion and emotional juice so you
get what you deserve that’s what it’s
all about and by the way I’m happy to
tell you the PostScript to this story so
you have a reason to listen to say this
I’ve really work well I can tell you
three years later her life has been
completely transformed first of all
within a few months
this decision she couldn’t make and
couldn’t figure out who she wanted to be
with her life she got married she also
started a brand new business with her
husband left the business she was
totally successful in and had the
courage to move to a brand new state and
now three years later she’s on track
this year to make over half a million
dollars a year now the money’s not that
important I’m sure it’s nice for her
what’s really magnificent is that she’s
living her dream life with her dream man
a complete transformation like this can
happen to anyone when you begin to
understand what’s driving you the
beliefs they’re holding you back the
fears that are controlling you and the
emotions and what you’re getting out of
them I mean this is an opportunity for
you not just to learn about Tawney but
to learn about you to learn about the
people you care about so you could
really make that difference in yourself
or anybody else you’d like to make a
difference for I hope you’ll listen I
hope you’ll take notes and I hope you’ll
take action is if you were gonna try and
teach this a share of this with someone
you love my deepest sincerest desire is
that this conversation this series of
conversations and films the workbooks
and actions that are provided that are
so simple can give you the life that you
deserve how this process ideally works
is simple you can watch these films or
some people very often will listen to
them because they can do it while
they’re working out or driving in their
car and so forth and you’ll get some of
the same benefit on the film you’ll be
able to see the facial expressions and
so forth so I encourage you to do either
or both but as you immerse in these
experiences you’re going to be learning
consciously and unconsciously most of us
don’t realize that most of what we know
we’ve learned unconsciously when you’re
in immersion
you’ll make distinctions you’re not even
aware of and you’ll find you’ll start
using them but also you’re gonna learn
explicitly because Chloe madonnas is my
partner here she is world renowned as a
teacher of psychotherapy she’s been
doing this for more than 35 years she’s
been raging on the top ten
therapists in the world the breadth of
experience she has is amazing and I’m
privileged to have her as a partner and
to be in these tapes with you to help
guide you on this amazing journey
because she’s gonna point out to you
what’s happening along the way for your
conscious mind to notice and at first
you might that say well I don’t really
care but after a while it’ll start to
accumulate and you’ll look forward to
what she’s gonna share because it’s kind
of like when you’re building a puzzle as
you start to put pieces in place you
don’t really know it doesn’t look like
anything and then there’s a point like a
tipping point where all of a sudden even
though it’s not done you’ll see it done
you’ll see everything you’ll start to
hear conversations between couples and
you go that’s what’s happening oh my god
that’s what I’m doing so that’s why we
have a series of films but you’re gonna
learn this series is a practical
psychology a fundamental way of
understanding what makes you do what you
do make what makes other people do what
they do something that’s actionable not
something that’s technical not something
that analyzes or analyzes your past but
something that’s fundamentally useful
and I call it human need psychology and
in it you’re gonna basically learn three
things you’re gonna learn what’s the
driving force of your life what is it
that drives you most what are the needs
that drive you and every other human
being in this world it helps you
understand why we do what we do secondly
we’re going on one of the guiding forces
of your life if you’re trying to feel
significant as a need or you’re trying
to feel loved doesn’t eat or feel
certain whatever the need is how you go
about doing that is different for
everyone because we have different
beliefs those are our guiding Maps the
maps of meaning and action that tell us
what this means and what we got to do
some people the way to be significant is
to take advantage of everybody you know
to out-think them or screw them over
somebody else’s ideas to contribute more
to give more to love more some people’s
idea love is to take it others is to
give it others just share it everyone
has different belief systems and our
beliefs guide our behaviors and finally
all of this is fueled by the third force
the fuel of choice while there are
thousands of emotions we could feel each
of us tend to specialize in about a
dozen or so where you know people don’t
feel every emotion every day every week
they feel pretty much the same group
about a dozen emotions half a dozen make
them feel good it doesn’t make him feel
bad overall you know people get really
worried and frustrated and freaked out
and angry and scared or and they get
really happy and excited and hopeful and
loving and playful and they got scared
and freaked out and frustrated again and
we tend to go in cycles when you
identify the fuel of choice you can
change it because guess what no matter
what relationship you’re in if your
habit is to get frustrated you’re gonna
get frustrated no matter who you with
because you find your way back home to
the place you know if you’re a happy
person all hell breaks loose you still
find a way to find the good in the don’t
you that’s the center of gravity and for
some of us that centre of gravity has to
change for some of us the guiding forces
have to change because the beliefs we
have about relationships pretty paying
for us and for some of us we’re trying
to get something out of a relationship
instead of give it we’re trying to get
significance and we’re trying to be
certain in a relationship and control
someone which even if you succeed will
make you bored unhappy and make the
other person feel unloved so these
fundamentals will be covered over the
course of this time in this film however
we’re gonna answer three questions
question number one is what stops you
and I know there are things in your life
that you want to do that you know what
to do but you still don’t do it isn’t it
true we all have things like that at
times and the question is when you know
what you should do and you don’t do it
why not and you know the answer it’s
fear but which fears and how do we
utilize them second question we run
answer here is what is the force that
shapes and controls every thought
feeling and emotion in our life and the
answer to that is gonna be the meaning
we attach to something when something
happens the way we feel about it’s based
on the meaning is at the end of the
beginning
is God punishing you or rewarding you I
mean whichever meaning you come up with
radically changes how you feel in the
experience of your life and then the
third question what is the controlling
force why do we do what we do why is it
at times we do things that don’t seem to
be our advantage why do we sabotage
ourselves at times at least on the
surface it seems like that why is it the
people do silly things stupid things
unconscious things we’re going to learn
about these needs that the controlling
force and most importantly how can you
take this understanding and
use it to change anything in your life
most importantly your intimate
relationships so I hope this sounds
compelling to you there’s a lot to cover
here but I think you’re gonna find it
real this is raw and real these are real
people unscripted with real reactions
and I’ll let you know that you know
there’ll be some bleeping in here and
some sounds because you know we have
here a language designed to get people
to reality most people use softeners in
life how you doing pretty good when they
really mean that they’re like hell or
something 10 times worse than that one
of the things that Freud learned his
language was very direct
he used sexual language he used direct
language because what do you want to do
was to get people to the truth raw and
that language disturbs us if we say the
word rear your rear end no problem but
if somebody says ass you have a
different feeling but it’s the same
thing we’re talking about it’s just the
word but I will use words of times to
shock to disturb to open somebody up
never to be disrespectful as I’m sure
you’ll clearly see and using these
principles based upon the concept of how
do you open someone to the truth how do
we get to what’s real instead the
cover-ups that we have never in a harsh
way so please join me right now let’s
experience this film or this audio
however you’re going to go about doing
it and let’s begin to discover what
really drives us in fact the answer to
three questions what is it that stops us
for doing what we know we need to do
what controls and shapes every thought
feeling and emotion in our life and why
do we do what we do and how can we
change it because of the answers to
these questions you can make any
relationship magnificent let’s begin
what stops us from having the life we
want what is the force that shapes and
controls the quality of our lives why do
we do the things we do all of us have
dreams and desires for our lives our
careers our families and our
relationships however for most of us it
is difficult to experience the happiness
we seek in this film you will learn
about fundamental patterns
Drive human behavior and control our
relationships we begin our story with
Anthony Robbins speaking at a conference
before 3,000 people in order to show how
quickly people can change their emotions
he asks for a show of hands from people
who suffer from depression Tania is an
attractive intelligent young woman who
uses depression to get sympathy and love
however she gets caught up in the idea
of being depressed and then stop feeling
unhappy and alienating those around her
using human needs psychology Robbins
will elucidate how Tony’s emotional
patterns function to bring on suffering
by clarifying these core emotional
patterns
Tony is able to develop the
self-awareness necessary to avoid using
depression and instead to make bold new
decisions today she lives a radically
different life that makes her proud
problems will first demonstrate the
principle of the Triad all behaviors
including emotions are made up of three
elements working together patterns of
physiology and posture influence your
biochemical state and thus your emotions
patterns of mental focus determine how
you experience the world
and thirdly patterns of language control
the way you express and represent your
experience to yourself and to others
these three physiology focus and
language create the meanings that
determine the way we experience our
lives in order to be depressed a person
must assume a certain posture focus on
certain specific things and use certain
specific language patterns that lead to
depression Robbins will begin by asking
Connie to deliberately put herself into
a state of depression so that the
audience can see what patterns of
physiology focus and language are
necessary for her to feel depressed okay
where’s the lady right here just raise
your hand at your side yes ma’am would
you stand up for a moment what’s your
name Hani can we get a microphone for
Tony now you don’t look very depressed
right now are you really depressed right
now yeah you are that’s it
how depressed on you on a 0 to 10 scale
10 is totally depressed want to kill
yourself 0 is not depress the dog not
Nate about an 8 interesting and you’re
feeling that right now actually I’m
doing pretty good I’ve been here yeah
you’re doing better right now how many
saw she was not depressed us now let me
see a show of hands if you saw ok but
you could get there if you wanted to
right yeah right now you’re not actually
the press what are you feeling right now
hopeful hopeful by the way how many saw
in talking to Robbins Tony is
momentarily hopeful Robbins points out
that when Tony feels emotional states
these states are linked to physiological
patterns in her body I want you to
notice I want you to notice
Tony’s physiology right now when she’s
hopeful if you notice she’s got one arm
here but the other one is loose and
she’s smiling and her head’s kind of
bouncing like this that’s called hopeful
for her you can see now it’s even more
than hopeful right now there’s a
different feeling she just had as I
point this out
that’s not depressed and she smiled how
would have you felt when she took the
microphone she was not depressed well he
sees right now how come 3,000 people all
knew that because we’re all natural
psychologist you know that is not
depression
now you can fake somewhat but if you’re
totally depressed you couldn’t have
smiled as big as she did and she would
have been not in the same position Robin
sees that Connie’s depression is not
life-threatening though it creates real
problems for her she will now ask her to
deliberately make herself depressed in
order to investigate how she does it
now what I’d like you to do for me is
I’d like you to get depressed can you
get the press for me it’s crazy okay
show me how to do it because I’m not
very successful at this really get
depressed right now I’m unit for real
get really depressed there you go and
now I want you to double the depression
whatever you got to do do what you do
with your body when you’re twice as
depressed focus on what you focus on
when you’re twice as the press say to
yourself what you say when you’re there
you go when you’re really depressed how
depressed are you right now 0 to 10 stay
in that state and just tell me how to
press zero to ten tennis want to kill
yourself zeros not depressed at all
where are you okay now stay there in
that state so we can learn something how
many saw her change her physiology
radically to go into pressure and raise
your hand what did she specifically do
to go from hopeful to depress by the way
how fast that she go from hopeful to
depressed how fast and heartbeat what
she changed someone tell me
Master what part what happened where the
head go heads down
what else changed stay in that state of
pressed you’re gonna screw this up state
of rest I don’t want you getting happy
on there don’t you get happy on me you
stay depressed dammit Robby’s has
demonstrated how quickly Donnie can take
herself from hopeful to depressed and
then to laughter he pretends to be angry
and disappointed that she cannot
maintain her depression and he uses
surprising and shocking language to
trigger a heightened emotional state
laughing is the worst thing you can do
to be you stop laughing bitch don’t you
smile go back the Depression come on
we’ll help you that’s it good get that
hand back up good that’s good that
helped how many noticed that hands
really important than the depression
thing so she dropped your head what
happened her breathing full or shallow
sorry to get shallow heads down what
happened her shoulders down go stay
there stay down all right
so shallow breathing head down what else
did you notice come on what else did you
notice she started squeezing her hand on
that microphone tight you know that
tension tap on the microphone that
tension now that Robbins has pointed out
the physiological pattern and tiniest
aggression he will ask her what she
focuses on in order to feel the breast
now that’s just the physical side now as
you stay in this state tell me what are
you focusing on to be depressed at level
9 my lack of happiness your lack of
happiness and when you say you’re
focused on your lack of happiness what
do you picture what do you think about
not being able to stop crying a lot
lately
could you get to crying for us could you
get that depressed all come on you can
do it if you’re able to get the place of
not being able to stop let’s go there
not able to put your past behind you
what do you focus on your past in order
to be depressed just say my lack of
trust in people
your lack of trust in people or in men
then that’s a glad you volunteered for
this aren’t you
by the way I’m a man Donny put herself
again in a depressed state through her
physical posture her breathing and her
thought process Robbins will now
humorously provoke her into another
emotional state to continue to show how
easy it is to go from one emotional
state to another what does that
microphone remind you of what are you
feeling right now that’s a little pissed
yeah that’s why I thought by the way
pissed is much better than depressed
what’d she do she brought her head back
up there shows back up she’s still tense
but she’s like don’t with me
so pissed might be a more useful state
it’s certainly not the end-all be-all
but she can get out of depression and go
piss real quickly in fact I bet you’ve
done this plenty of times when she gets
tired of being sad she gets pissed am i
right yeah I call this a crazy eight she
gets really depressed and tired and
feels helpless and she gets tired of
feeling that feeling I’ll explain why
later and then she gets pissed which
makes her feel strong for a short time
then she’s tired of being pissed so she
go back to connecting with herself and
feeling sad again she gets tired and she
gets pissed this is a very simple
pattern and it’s not unique and she’s
good at it cuz she’s practiced it for
years true master yes I can see that for
Danny depression is a way for her to
connect and commiserate with herself
however when this depression begins to
make her feel too weak she snaps out of
it with anger this emotional pattern of
alternating between sadness and anger is
called a crazy age many people live most
of their lives alternating between these
two emotions let’s go back to the Presto
notice she knows exactly where to go
does she know what to do to get
depressed yes or no she would have you
believe that happens to her go ahead get
depressed level eight nod when you’re
that okay tell me what you’re focusing
on right now to be depressed at level
eight I don’t know you’re not there what
do you focused on the men you can’t
trust from your past what do you say to
yourself to be depressed like this just
say out loud what you’re saying in your
head when you’re really depressed when
people experience emotions they are
actually saying things to themselves
silently although they are not said
aloud these language patterns have a
powerful influence on our emotions I’m
so pathetic I’m so pathetic saying the
tone of voice you say it when you stay
depressed oh there’s some
pathetic to really be depressed what do
you gotta say to yourself really
depressed
9:7 the tone of voice you set when
you’re fat the press I want to live my
life this way what else do you say so
pathetic I don’t want to live my life
this way is there a tone of voice here
ladies and gentlemen yes or no what else
do you say to say depressive love of
mine you ever get depressed at 10 like
we want to kill yourself I thought
sorry to disappoint you what are you
doing smiling in what do you feeling
right now kick your ass how fast do we
take her out impression how fast two
seconds if you was her depression she’s
pissed off at you I’m sitting here being
depressed you take me out of it
I’ll come out of my depression when I’m
ready when robbers surprises her and
interferes with her depression Tania
reacts with anger she is protective of
her depression because she has been
using it to satisfy an emotional need
take a moment and ask yourself if she
protects her right to be depressed by
being angry how would that affect her
relationships what would happen if
someone tried to help her overcome her
depression do you know anyone who
protects his or her depression or
another destructive emotion for Danny
this is a turning point she sees the way
she uses depression and she will look
for new ways to meet her emotional needs
so we now know what she doesn’t she’s
pissed and we know what she does when
he’s depressed and she seems to snap
back let’s go back to hopeful for a
second you’re good now – how many how
many recognize the physiology of hopeful
when she went there raising have you
recognized what did she do she started
doing what nine her head shoulders came
back head came up what else did she do
start a smile so can she go from
depressed the hopeful instead of
depressed the test as he chose – these
are wimpy estates have you ever had a
state of pure ecstasy where’s that what
you’re pissed about
I thought we problem good what do you
feeling now
excited excited that’s nice in order to
learn how to overcome her habit of
depression tani needs to work on an
antidote a strong emotional state that
will meet her emotional needs
while counteracting depression Robbins
will suggest that she trained herself in
the emotion of ecstasy I’d like you to
think of a specific peak experience what
you experienced a peak of exercise do
you remember a particular moment I’d
like you to go right before the peak of
that moment as you do that I want you to
step into that images if you were really
there and breathe the way you’re
breathing right near the peak were you
making sounds at this point what are you
feeling right now stay in that state
what are you feeling right now she’s
feeling so much she can’t talk now go
back to the pressure better no go back
the depression come on you’ve been there
for years the depression come on you
can’t put your past behind you if you
can’t put your past behind you in this
case I think that’s a very good thing
because if this was constantly in front
of you imagine the smile that would be
maybe you’ve been selective about which
past put in front of your behind in
conducting his interventions with people
Robbins is following seven master steps
for creating lasting change first
understand their world Robbins began by
understanding Donnie’s triad the
patterns of physiology focus and
language which come together to create
the experience of depression he also
understood her typical krazy-8 emotional
pattern and the source of pain in her
life her difficulty in relationships
second break the pattern using humor
challenge and surprising language
Robbins continuously broke down his
official emotional patterns
third find leverage Robin found leverage
by locating what Donnie cared about most
her desire for a loving trusting
relationship with a man when Tony saw a
chance to change this part of her life
she committed herself fully to the
intervention fourth Robbins redefined
the problem
Donnie’s problem wasn’t depression
depression was just a way of meeting her
needs in the short term that was
actually destructive in the long term
what Tania really wanted was a
relationship and another way to live
with depression out of the way she can
now make that change cyst Robbins
created alternative certainiy
instead of always spiraling into
depression Donnie can learn to access
emotions such as ecstasy and hope the
sixth step is condition the new behavior
and the seventh step is to relate the
change to a higher purpose now Robbins
will undertake step six to discuss the
way Donnie has conditioned herself to go
into depression and how she can
condition herself to make a conscious
choice does she have the ability go from
the press to piss the hopeful or to
ecstatic in a matter of seconds yes or
no does she have the ability yes or no
has she proven to you that she can do
him quickly and immediately yes or no
then why in the past has she gone to
depression she has all these other
choices because she’s been rewarded for
it yeah
is that fair to say that’s why she
didn’t like me very much when I was
showing this all the games she’s been
playing for years now she doesn’t just
do it consciously I know you’re not a
manipulating bitch who’s just doing this
to get something true there are times
when you’re doing a consciousness toss
such a I appreciate your honesty first
of all you give her a big hand for that
honestly sometimes I I really honor you
first of all I appreciate your courage
to even stand up I appreciate you
playing with me because it’s not a
comfortable thing but I appreciate most
and Automotion honesty because with that
honesty can change anything most people
can never get to that level honestly so
they have no power and the reason
they’re most dishonest is with
themselves because it doesn’t feel good
to say yeah I’ve used this at times
but you know you have and you’re honest
about it you can change it now Tony
understands her pattern of being
depressed in the hope that she would be
loved and taken care of and then being
angry because of the feeling of
helplessness brought on by depression
this crazy age is a common way to
resolve our contradictory needs for
feeling connected and vulnerable and for
feeling powerful and in control now
Robbins will move into step 7 relate to
a higher purpose he will show Donnie
that the radical swing sufferer krazy-8
are not necessary when she is connected
to her higher purpose and her true self
but you gotta set up a new reward system
for yourself the other thing is you’ve
gotten in the habit of doing it that
sometimes you just do it unconsciously
now because you’ve gotten in this what I
call crazy eight this loop and you like
the pissed part because it makes you
feel powerful it’s because you feel
really non powerful and the other state
what you also like because you live in a
world where women are no longer honored
for their feminine they’re all supposed
to be men now so your one way to get
feminine is to get broken and feminism
about broken feminine is about feeling
but it’s not okay for you to feel so you
go there and you got enough reason to be
depressed and feel that and maybe
actually have some people step up and
take care of you and honor you
or masculine
she said you always be in control but
you also you’re addicted to that control
then you call pissed off as your way of
mobilizing now you mobilize that fist
often it’s a useful skill I know how to
do it too but it’s not very feminine and
that doesn’t mean you have to be
feminine every minute I know any woman
this room can kick any man’s ass just
about anything business-wise at this
stage as any man can do with any woman
if there is no there’s no gender bias
anymore and a woman can do anything with
a man can do and do things a man can’t
do like she could have a kid without a
man today so I want you to notice how
you’re feeling right now I just saw a
really beautiful smile it wasn’t a
forced smile of hopefulness and it
wasn’t a smile of you just did something
cool what was that smile that I just saw
do you remember a moment just a second
ago comfort comfort how did that feel it
feels good
how would you compare that feeling to
depression person how would you compare
it to pissed what you just saw her if
you saw her was somebody saw that
relaxation smile how many saw that I’m
just curious what happened is she went
home for a few moments when I described
what her real nature is like you’re a
very feminine woman but you live trained
yourself to kick ass and out of all the
pain you’ve had you’ve gotten really
tough and the tougher you got the more
you lost your soul not your soul that’s
not fair to say the feeling of being
connected to your soul because you’ve
covered it all up that’s really what’s
depressed you but you’ve got addicted to
the feeling of getting tough and feeling
sad cuz the sad is the one time you
allow yourself to be feminine because in
the feminine you don’t have to control
you just allow it to be if you’ll have
to be long enough it’s gonna change
anyway if you do nothing men think they
got to control it make it happen and do
all those things well he doesn’t have to
do that if she’s in her natural feminine
state I’m not saying this because you’re
the only person this room I’m talking to
you right now there are no other men and
women this relates to in this room 3,000
people but if they were listening to me
right now they might discover that the
greatest happiness in life comes when
you get back to your true nature first
of all I really want to thank you
sincerely honor you after
I’m gonna ask you to diagnose yourself
with what I’m about to share which is
the specific reason why you’ve really
done this why anyone does anything and
I’d like you to diagnose it but I really
truly want to honor you and I hope
everyone else will for your total
sincerity and honesty and all the big
promise asked I need to show him what
she does to get depressed he then
noticed her physiological posture for
pattern of focus and the language
patterns which came together for Tania’s
the experience of depression while she
was depressed he provoked her and she
snapped out of her depression with anger
this was Toni’s predominant pattern a
crazy 8 she would get depressed in the
hope that she would be loved and taken
care of but when she said we can
helpless she would get angry to snap out
of the depression
in fact Donnie even got angry to protect
her right to be depressed
this shows that at some level she holds
on to her depression because it
satisfies a need for her astonish sets
down Robins will make a presentation on
the six human needs specifically gearing
his talk to help her understand more
deeply how she uses depression to meet
her needs we only do things because at
some level consciously or subconsciously
we believe we will meet one or more of
what I call our six human needs I am
here to tell you having been with 3
million people from all over this planet
that while we’re all completely diverse
in our physiology is the way we look
think acne hey one thing I can tell you
for sure we’re hardwired with the same
needs most people keep their problems
because it meets their needs and it
meets their needs without risking their
greatest fear this is a key concept in
human need psychology we recognize two
kinds of problems quality problems and
safe problems quality problems involve a
risky forward thinking decision that
will often take you to another stage in
life this decision could be something
like making a career shift committing to
a relationship starting a family or even
leaving a relationship or moving
it can also be a risky interpersonal
communication that leaves you vulnerable
telling someone that you love them
confronting someone about an injustice
or asking someone for help
sometimes quality decisions are simple
like deciding to appreciate yourself and
others or cultivating a feeling of
gratitude save problems on the other
hand are lingering issues which strictly
speaking lie within our control
depression procrastination hesitation
food and other addictions blaming others
for your troubles avoiding decisions or
withdrawing from relationships safe
problems seem safe because they seem to
protect us from our fear that if we try
and fail we won’t be enough and won’t be
loved of course in the long run it is
safe problems such as depression and
addictions which cause more damage to
our bodies our spirit and our
relationships than risky problems ever
do when people come up against a risky
decision that they feel unwilling to
make they will often develop a safe
problem that will distract them from
making a risky decision for instance
Danny stood up with a problem of
depression a safe problem that strictly
speaking lies within her control robbins
discovered that Danny’s greater fear lay
in a risky decision how to trust a man
and develop the relationship she wants
in life most ways meet your needs you’d
have to take a risk like start to get in
a relationship and that brings up a big
risk in fact the primary fear that we
won’t are not enough won’t be loved
guess where it shows up more than any
other place an intimate relationship cuz
Lou that’s why most people spend more
time at work or with their kids because
of the kids that dig I got this love
forever on the other hand work you can
control it by your effort by your focus
by your commitment to do well in work
you have control that no control in a
relationship influence at best that’s
what you have so it’s scary as hell for
people I don’t care what the situation
is you don’t get your relationship where
you want
be you’re gonna be in pain the first of
the six human needs I believe is the
need for certainty think of certainty as
the ability to avoid pain and the
ability to have pleasure at least to
avoid pain because avoiding pain is a
survival instinct it’s hardwired into us
to have some level of certainty just to
survive so we need certainty everybody
needs that the only question is how much
of it you think you’ve got to have I’ll
tell you this the quality of your life
is in direct proportion to the amount of
uncertainty you can comfortably live
with the more uncertainty even live with
the more you’ll try the more you’ll
learn the more alive you’ll be the more
you got to be certain about everything
lest you’ll have so in this young lady’s
case she really wants certainty that
this next relationship won’t hurt her
and yet she needs certainty so how’s she
gonna get it well she can do it by being
incredibly intense about the men she’s
with and really screening the hell out
of them she screams the hell out of them
maybe they’re gonna feel judged and
think why would I want to be around this
bitch so there’s many ways to get
certainty you can get certainty by
eating when you overeat all the blood
rushes in your stomach you start
breathing again in Dubai smoking deep
diaphragmatic breath happens you can do
it by drugs you can do it by just
looking at your history and saying you
know well I’ve always found a way isn’t
it amazing and I will again just
trusting based on your history you’ve
always found the way you can do it
through spiritually you can do in
positive ways neutral ways or
destructive ways because everybody finds
a way to meet their need for certainty
everyone even crazy people everybody
finds a way the only question is are you
gonna find a way that’s a way that’s
obtainable or sustainable everybody
obtains certainty the question is can
you sustain it and can you do in a way
that sustains you long-term take a
moment to consider what are some of the
ways that you used to get the feeling of
certainty what do you do with your
physiology eat sleep exercise the way
you breathe or stand what do you do with
your focus in order to feel certain do
you have an empowering belief do you
focus on your future or your past what
language patterns do you use are there
phrases you use regularly if you like
pause the film for a moment
and write this down now Robbins will
explain the second human need
uncertainty how many of you in this room
tell me honestly how many of you love
surprises you didn’t say I you
liked the surprises you want the
surprises you don’t want you call
problems and you don’t want those but
you need them because there are the
things that make you grow see what we
need is ready to be alive we need
stimulation we need the unknown or we
feel dead inside see you can get variety
by doing drugs because variety is just a
change in the state you can get variety
by eating that’s why people get addicted
to food because they can get comfort and
ride drugs
comfort and ride you’re all bored or
frustrated go smoke and it changes your
state variety and your comfortable high
means to my needs interesting you can
also get variety in positive ways like
taking on new challenge setting a new
goal you can get riding the conversation
if someone says was so boring man I go
no life isn’t boring you’re bored could
you sit in a room with nothing else
there and have unlimited variety if you
just used your brain yes or no see
variety is available at any moment most
people value certainly more that’s why
their life is so boring we tend to pick
of these six we tend to pick one or two
that we value more and it shapes the
direction of our life people are
certainly driven in up with a very
different life than people’s a variety
good what are some of the ways that you
use to meet your need for uncertainty
and variety what do you do with your
physiology with your focus and with your
language now Robbins will explain the
third human need significance third you
need the need for significance we all
have a need to feel significant to feel
important to feel special to feel unique
the word significance as many different
connotations uniqueness special we all
have the feeling of wanting to be needed
to feel important these are all code
words for significance who has this need
every human being you ever
me in your life all of us have it the
only difference is how we go about it
some people try to be significant by
achieving everything some people try to
be significant by breaking through big
problems
some people get significance by having
more earrings and more locations and
you’d want to ever describe some do it
by being unique in their tattoos some by
having a unique hairstyle some people
buy their style of late walk or how they
talk or their humor everybody finds a
way to be unique or special or to feel
needed or to feel important it’s a human
need that everyone has even those who
deny it you can get significance in a
positive way a neutral way or negative
way one of the fastest ways to
significance with strangers is violence
if you go up here to the hood not far
from here and I come up and put a gun to
your head guess what I am instantly
significant I don’t need a college
education I don’t need to work at it I
don’t do anything and I am certain
you’re gonna respond to me I’ve met two
of my needs and there’s variety because
who knows what’s gonna happen next it’s
different every time by the way any time
something you do or believe you
associate that meeting at least three of
your needs you become addicted to it
positive or negative doesn’t matter so
if you’ve got a big enough problem
because there’s two ways to give
significance take a huge risk
potentially fail and look like you’re
unworthy and worthless and not worthy of
love and face your deepest fear on earth
or have a really big problem you can
share with everybody a significant
problem that’s so bad that you can tell
everybody about it and now you don’t
ever have to face your fears and you can
feel significant which is the choice
most people make me think of a problem
that you have struggled with or a
complaint you have had for an extended
time if you have continued to focus on
it without resolving it odds are that it
has helped you to meet your need for
significance the majority people in the
world try to find big enough problems so
that they never have to beat themselves
up for not being enough or so at least
they can defend themselves and
themselves or other people and they want
to know
why they haven’t done it’s not that
you’re gutless it’s not that you’re
worthless and you’re not loved it’s just
this horrible thing that happened to you
funny thing other people have much more
horrible things and they’ve managed to
succeed but that would require a level
of truth that very few people have this
young lady in the middle row here
certainly does happen and minute you
have that level of honesty you have the
power to change if we want to be
significant we can do it in negative
ways positive ways you can be a
troublemaker and be significant you can
be a contributor and be significant how
do you give significance do you do it
through business achievement do you do
it by being the best parent do you do it
by the way you dress they do it by being
tough and you can handle anybody no
matter what they do with you do you do
it by having a really big problem that
you can demonstrate that will how do you
do it now here’s the problem
to be totally significant you got to be
totally unique and different to be
totally unique and different violates
your fourth human need one of the
deepest ones the need for connection and
love because the more different you have
to be the less connected you can be so
love or connection most people settle
for connection because it’s a lot less
scary don’t put as much out there can’t
be hurt as bad so it’s settled for
connection instead of love love that’s a
very scary thing you can get connection
the fastest way to get connection let’s
have a problem see go out and do
extremely well and see how many people
are thrilled for you and for how long
most people when they see you succeed
they look and evaluate themselves and
even though you may think they’re
phenomenal they don’t think they’re
phenomenal and so what they going to do
is feel insignificant cuz of your
achievements now they have one or two
choices get out there and face their
risks and kick ass and do something
which takes enormous fear overcoming
enormous fear or tear you down which one
he thinks faster and easier and more
predictable tear you down you can get
connection by loving someone you in
connection by making love you can get
connection by prayer
you get connection by walking through
nature you can get connection by getting
really sick and people coming to want to
take care of you what are some of the
ways that you use to get the feeling of
action do you get it by giving or by
receiving or both what do you do in
order to receive from others how do you
give love and connection to others do
you experience love on a regular basis
or do you hold back from love
now Robbins will explain the final two
needs growth and contribution the first
four needs of the needs of your
personality everybody meets them you if
you gotta lie to yourself the final two
you can only mean by really doing
something and the final two is number
five as you must grow the fact that you
don’t grow you what you know the answer
you what you die and number 6 you must
contribute beyond yourself you must
contribute beyond yourself because if
life is just about you I Got News for
you you can make yourself feel pleasure
for a moment because somebody
complimented you or because you made a
certain idea come through you or because
you know some situation you did really
well but that’s a temporary pleasure
fulfillment stays with you fulfillment
only comes when you know you’ve grown
and when you know you’ve contributed
beyond yourself coz life is not just
about us and everything in the universe
either contributes or is eliminated by
evolution these are the primary needs of
all human beings and very few human
beings meet these on a regular basis now
I took a lot of time to do this because
I don’t want you to be passive with me I
want you to be active so when somebody
stands up I want you to become the
practical psychologist the natural
psychologist who starts to say why are
they doing this
oh they’re meeting this need this this
need interesting how are they doing this
oh look what they’re doing with their
body whatever they do with their
language
notice what they’re focusing on ha and
why look there’s the fear showing up and
then notice how we change it so that
when you leave here you’ll have a
greater appreciation for every human
being you meet whether it be your child
or there’ll be the person you can’t
stand and you’ll understand why now
now now tawny you’re not feeling too
depressed right now what are you feeling
right now
elated elated ladies and gentlemen and
you look it I notice your smile does she
have a different quality of smile there
yes or now yes now I want ask a question
I like you now to diagnose the old
pattern because it wasn’t you that you
ran I’d like you to tell me the truth
which of these six needs did you meet by
getting depressed and which of these
needs by the way did you meet by getting
pissed off
start with the pressed love love how did
you get love by being depressed
well attention from other people that’s
love
imagine also trying to caress myself out
of it so giving myself the love – that’s
right on a scale from zero to ten how
much love are you getting by being
depressed truthfully I think I thought
it was a lot less than yeah she’s seeing
it now through a different state how
many follow this but back then how much
did you associate the ability to get
love 0 to 10 with being depressed what
would you put it yeah like at 8
I can 8 okay which means 9 in no reason
I saw this because she smiled as she
said hey so closer to a 9 but let’s stay
with 8 just so we can ourselves
next what other need have you met in the
past by being depressed feeling
significant feeling significant there we
go
wait can you give her a hand for that
level of honesty first of all how did
you get a feeling of significance for
having this horrible depression well
when I would get attention from other
people it it signify that they really
cared for me that they really loved me
that’s right so if I also how bad was it
I mean how significant was this
oppression it wasn’t measly ass little
depression it’s I can’t stop crying
depression right so how how difficult
tenth so now we’ve met her need for love
and an eight really nine we met our
significance at a 10 by having this
problem what other needs were you
meeting by being depressed
stability stability is a big one
certainty how certain were you that you
could get yourself in that stake a seven
a seven okay and how certain were you
that you could be in that state and stay
in that state if you wanted to be zero
to ten ten so she meets her needs for
certainty in a ten her needs for
significant to the tenth and love at a
nine
any time you associate at least three
elements you become totally addicted to
it but she doesn’t just meet him she
meets him at nines and tens if you met
him at fives and sixes you’d get
addicted but nines and tens it’s a total
addiction if we don’t go any further how
many can see why even though she could
feel total ecstasy joy happiness
hopefulness love at will just as quickly
how many can see why she was always
depressed because it was a way of
meeting her had an addictive level any
other needs were meeting by getting in
this state of depression things are
going a certain way over and over day
after day a certain way what could you
do when you got depressed rush yes the
rush of depression you guys hear this
what is that rush of feeling all your
feelings right feelings you weren’t
feeling before which is known as variety
uncertainty zero to ten how much of a
rush I could go to a ten yeah so why
would she be happy when she’s got this
unhappiness thing working so well she
gets connection and love she has
significance and she doesn’t have to do
anything Stephanie take any risk doesn’t
have to face anything doesn’t have to
create anything she can have a total
rush in her body in fact she can rush
herself the point you can cry
uncontrollably which means really feel
again and feel the feminine side of
herself which is allow herself to just
feel but then that’s not very acceptable
to stay in that state long term because
people get tired you whine an ass all
the time so you need another weapon to
show people that you’re not just some
wuss and that you’re to be reckoned with
because after a while she gets tired of
feeling that sad feelings after a while
it feels interesting
again doesn’t it and week so then we
snap into significant feelings that come
from being pissy and intense I’ll whip
your ass it was the turn you gave me
earlier
like I’ll kick your ass I’ll kick your
ass something like I’ll kick your ass
that wasn’t the first time you’ve ever
used that phrase was it nice yeah use a
lot so now what we do is we whip
ourselves in this day and which needs
you meet by being in the state of I’ll
kick your ass
well probably all of those two yes take
a moment to review some of your typical
ways of meeting your needs is there a
problem that stands out above everything
else is it a quality problem a risky
decision that will create progress in
your life and the lives of others or is
it a lingering safe problem that
relieves you from making a risky
decision significance at zero to ten
houses when you’re pissed off house how
certain do you feel in your body on a
zero to ten everybody how certain 10 we
are pissed off people tend to respond
even if they don’t like you how
significant do you feel ten and by the
way you get connection with people you
don’t get love you get connection with
people so now you got three of them met
instantaneously that’s why most people
are so angry all the time because it’s
their addiction to try to feel
significant when they feel insignificant
so one way to battle your own fear that
you’re not enough is get pissed off at
something or someone or everyone else so
now the only hope for you as a solution
besides awareness is to humiliate
yourself if you go into those places by
realizing I’m being a bitch and what I’m
doing is stealing from my friends by
creating a problem that I totally could
shift this fast they don’t deserve that
and I’m not going to do that to my own
spirit and then if they find some new
ways to do it like ways like feeling
this hopefulness or this happiness or
this elation by realizing I am growing
and because I’m growing I can pass this
on to my sisterhood or my Brotherhood or
my children I can grow and I can
contribute that’s what you’ll be you
fork because the feelings you’re having
today are only so good they only last so
long whether it really lasts is when it
becomes not about you but it becomes
outside yourself and you on all of it’s
fulfilling but the place that will get
you back
is when you get around men because
they’re gonna do to be significant
it’s gonna piss you off because you know
you’re significant and you’re not going to want to feel insignificant
extraordinary relationship what keeps
people out of relationships what stops
people from really experiencing the love
and passion they deserve when I talk to
people all the time and they’re they’ve
got everything else handling their life
their businesses are great they they
have great friends their body’s in great
shape but there’s one area that so many
people are missing out on and that is
that deep passionate connection with the
person they desire and deserve this film
is about the kind of action you can take
today to bring that emotional juice into
yourself and into your partner or to
attract that ideal partner to you I can
promise you that whatever stage in life
you are right now the principles you’re
going to learn in this series of films
audio sessions and action workbooks will
be extraordinary useful in understanding
and overcoming any challenges you may be
experiencing your relationship I know
this sounds like hyperbole but I gotta
tell you I’ve been doing this for 28
years I work with 3 million people live
in seminars from 80 different countries
in the world at this point I could be an
idiot and I have to say there are
patterns and human behavior and there’s
certainly patterns in human relationship
what you’re gonna learn in this series
is that it starts with you but it’s your
fears it’s your own limitations it’s
your own patterns that get in the way of
your capacity to connect and stay
connected with a kind of person that
would light you up and that you could
light up as well so if you really want
to maximize not only the quality of your
relationship but the joy and fulfillment
that you experience together then I’m
gonna ask you not only to listen these
films but in some cases listen or watch
them again and again and get the
repetition in your body but most
importantly take the actions I’m
suggesting don’t just take the
information and that’s fine to start
with but actions what’s gonna change
your life now in this session you’re
gonna listen to a conversation I had
with a young woman named tawny a
beautiful young woman she had an
extraordinarily successful career she
had great friends great relationship
with her mom
but she found herself struggling with
depression how do you do that how does
that happen how do you struggle with the
browser when you got everything going
for you Sonne
people do and the reason is you’re gonna
learn a principle in this first tape
that’s crucial to understanding yourself
or any other human beeings behavior if
you’ve ever asked why did I do that or
how the heck of this person do that I’m
gonna tell you the answer whatever human
beings do they have a reason they have a
specific reason it may not be conscious
it may be unconscious but I’ll tell you
what it is
this behavior even if it’s painful on
the surface meets a need within this
individual we all have six human needs
and part of what you’re going to learn
during this series is human needs
psychology the fundamental basic
understandings of what makes us do what
we do what drives us what shapes the way
that we function as human beings these
drives these belief systems and the
emotions that we’ve learned to live with
that we’ve gotten used to the
frustration or the depression or the joy
or the happiness whatever your emotional
habits are the beliefs you have and the
drives that are the focus of your life
are affecting everything in your life
not only your relationship but your body
your emotions your finances and
everything else in between so remember
if someone continues to do a behavior
even a behavior that seems hurtful it’s
being reinforced by something there’s
some need being met and that’s the
mystery that will be uncovered in this
conversation with tawny you’ll see that
this emotional pattern of depression or
for some people could be anger or
somebody else I’d be guilt or distrust
or whatever it can take root in
anybody’s life and it starts to take
control of your life your relationship
and it gets in the way of everything
that you want to create in your life
everything you want to really accomplish
or at least parts of your life because
some people are doing great in their
career but they’ve got a terrible
relationship with their kids or they’re
great with the kids but they’re
overweight or they’re weights in great
shape but they’re broke or in this case
everything else is great but their
relationships suck to be a technical
term so the bottom line is is the
conversation unfolds listen for and
notice how tawny actually uses
depression unconsciously to meet some of
her needs but in a way that
unfortunately is destructive to herself
and some of the people she loves most
and cares about most here’s gonna be the
secretive state once you recognize these
patterns you’re gonna learn ways to make
choices to intervene in these pattern
may have been guiding your life for a
long time to make a breakthrough to make
a bold new life by making brand new
decisions and taking action on them
immediately
with passion and emotional juice so you
get what you deserve that’s what it’s
all about and by the way I’m happy to
tell you the PostScript to this story so
you have a reason to listen to say this
I’ve really work well I can tell you
three years later her life has been
completely transformed first of all
within a few months
this decision she couldn’t make and
couldn’t figure out who she wanted to be
with her life she got married she also
started a brand new business with her
husband left the business she was
totally successful in and had the
courage to move to a brand new state and
now three years later she’s on track
this year to make over half a million
dollars a year now the money’s not that
important I’m sure it’s nice for her
what’s really magnificent is that she’s
living her dream life with her dream man
a complete transformation like this can
happen to anyone when you begin to
understand what’s driving you the
beliefs they’re holding you back the
fears that are controlling you and the
emotions and what you’re getting out of
them I mean this is an opportunity for
you not just to learn about Tawney but
to learn about you to learn about the
people you care about so you could
really make that difference in yourself
or anybody else you’d like to make a
difference for I hope you’ll listen I
hope you’ll take notes and I hope you’ll
take action is if you were gonna try and
teach this a share of this with someone
you love my deepest sincerest desire is
that this conversation this series of
conversations and films the workbooks
and actions that are provided that are
so simple can give you the life that you
deserve how this process ideally works
is simple you can watch these films or
some people very often will listen to
them because they can do it while
they’re working out or driving in their
car and so forth and you’ll get some of
the same benefit on the film you’ll be
able to see the facial expressions and
so forth so I encourage you to do either
or both but as you immerse in these
experiences you’re going to be learning
consciously and unconsciously most of us
don’t realize that most of what we know
we’ve learned unconsciously when you’re
in immersion
you’ll make distinctions you’re not even
aware of and you’ll find you’ll start
using them but also you’re gonna learn
explicitly because Chloe madonnas is my
partner here she is world renowned as a
teacher of psychotherapy she’s been
doing this for more than 35 years she’s
been raging on the top ten
therapists in the world the breadth of
experience she has is amazing and I’m
privileged to have her as a partner and
to be in these tapes with you to help
guide you on this amazing journey
because she’s gonna point out to you
what’s happening along the way for your
conscious mind to notice and at first
you might that say well I don’t really
care but after a while it’ll start to
accumulate and you’ll look forward to
what she’s gonna share because it’s kind
of like when you’re building a puzzle as
you start to put pieces in place you
don’t really know it doesn’t look like
anything and then there’s a point like a
tipping point where all of a sudden even
though it’s not done you’ll see it done
you’ll see everything you’ll start to
hear conversations between couples and
you go that’s what’s happening oh my god
that’s what I’m doing so that’s why we
have a series of films but you’re gonna
learn this series is a practical
psychology a fundamental way of
understanding what makes you do what you
do make what makes other people do what
they do something that’s actionable not
something that’s technical not something
that analyzes or analyzes your past but
something that’s fundamentally useful
and I call it human need psychology and
in it you’re gonna basically learn three
things you’re gonna learn what’s the
driving force of your life what is it
that drives you most what are the needs
that drive you and every other human
being in this world it helps you
understand why we do what we do secondly
we’re going on one of the guiding forces
of your life if you’re trying to feel
significant as a need or you’re trying
to feel loved doesn’t eat or feel
certain whatever the need is how you go
about doing that is different for
everyone because we have different
beliefs those are our guiding Maps the
maps of meaning and action that tell us
what this means and what we got to do
some people the way to be significant is
to take advantage of everybody you know
to out-think them or screw them over
somebody else’s ideas to contribute more
to give more to love more some people’s
idea love is to take it others is to
give it others just share it everyone
has different belief systems and our
beliefs guide our behaviors and finally
all of this is fueled by the third force
the fuel of choice while there are
thousands of emotions we could feel each
of us tend to specialize in about a
dozen or so where you know people don’t
feel every emotion every day every week
they feel pretty much the same group
about a dozen emotions half a dozen make
them feel good it doesn’t make him feel
bad overall you know people get really
worried and frustrated and freaked out
and angry and scared or and they get
really happy and excited and hopeful and
loving and playful and they got scared
and freaked out and frustrated again and
we tend to go in cycles when you
identify the fuel of choice you can
change it because guess what no matter
what relationship you’re in if your
habit is to get frustrated you’re gonna
get frustrated no matter who you with
because you find your way back home to
the place you know if you’re a happy
person all hell breaks loose you still
find a way to find the good in the don’t
you that’s the center of gravity and for
some of us that centre of gravity has to
change for some of us the guiding forces
have to change because the beliefs we
have about relationships pretty paying
for us and for some of us we’re trying
to get something out of a relationship
instead of give it we’re trying to get
significance and we’re trying to be
certain in a relationship and control
someone which even if you succeed will
make you bored unhappy and make the
other person feel unloved so these
fundamentals will be covered over the
course of this time in this film however
we’re gonna answer three questions
question number one is what stops you
and I know there are things in your life
that you want to do that you know what
to do but you still don’t do it isn’t it
true we all have things like that at
times and the question is when you know
what you should do and you don’t do it
why not and you know the answer it’s
fear but which fears and how do we
utilize them second question we run
answer here is what is the force that
shapes and controls every thought
feeling and emotion in our life and the
answer to that is gonna be the meaning
we attach to something when something
happens the way we feel about it’s based
on the meaning is at the end of the
beginning
is God punishing you or rewarding you I
mean whichever meaning you come up with
radically changes how you feel in the
experience of your life and then the
third question what is the controlling
force why do we do what we do why is it
at times we do things that don’t seem to
be our advantage why do we sabotage
ourselves at times at least on the
surface it seems like that why is it the
people do silly things stupid things
unconscious things we’re going to learn
about these needs that the controlling
force and most importantly how can you
take this understanding and
use it to change anything in your life
most importantly your intimate
relationships so I hope this sounds
compelling to you there’s a lot to cover
here but I think you’re gonna find it
real this is raw and real these are real
people unscripted with real reactions
and I’ll let you know that you know
there’ll be some bleeping in here and
some sounds because you know we have
here a language designed to get people
to reality most people use softeners in
life how you doing pretty good when they
really mean that they’re like hell or
something 10 times worse than that one
of the things that Freud learned his
language was very direct
he used sexual language he used direct
language because what do you want to do
was to get people to the truth raw and
that language disturbs us if we say the
word rear your rear end no problem but
if somebody says ass you have a
different feeling but it’s the same
thing we’re talking about it’s just the
word but I will use words of times to
shock to disturb to open somebody up
never to be disrespectful as I’m sure
you’ll clearly see and using these
principles based upon the concept of how
do you open someone to the truth how do
we get to what’s real instead the
cover-ups that we have never in a harsh
way so please join me right now let’s
experience this film or this audio
however you’re going to go about doing
it and let’s begin to discover what
really drives us in fact the answer to
three questions what is it that stops us
for doing what we know we need to do
what controls and shapes every thought
feeling and emotion in our life and why
do we do what we do and how can we
change it because of the answers to
these questions you can make any
relationship magnificent let’s begin
what stops us from having the life we
want what is the force that shapes and
controls the quality of our lives why do
we do the things we do all of us have
dreams and desires for our lives our
careers our families and our
relationships however for most of us it
is difficult to experience the happiness
we seek in this film you will learn
about fundamental patterns
Drive human behavior and control our
relationships we begin our story with
Anthony Robbins speaking at a conference
before 3,000 people in order to show how
quickly people can change their emotions
he asks for a show of hands from people
who suffer from depression Tania is an
attractive intelligent young woman who
uses depression to get sympathy and love
however she gets caught up in the idea
of being depressed and then stop feeling
unhappy and alienating those around her
using human needs psychology Robbins
will elucidate how Tony’s emotional
patterns function to bring on suffering
by clarifying these core emotional
patterns
Tony is able to develop the
self-awareness necessary to avoid using
depression and instead to make bold new
decisions today she lives a radically
different life that makes her proud
problems will first demonstrate the
principle of the Triad all behaviors
including emotions are made up of three
elements working together patterns of
physiology and posture influence your
biochemical state and thus your emotions
patterns of mental focus determine how
you experience the world
and thirdly patterns of language control
the way you express and represent your
experience to yourself and to others
these three physiology focus and
language create the meanings that
determine the way we experience our
lives in order to be depressed a person
must assume a certain posture focus on
certain specific things and use certain
specific language patterns that lead to
depression Robbins will begin by asking
Connie to deliberately put herself into
a state of depression so that the
audience can see what patterns of
physiology focus and language are
necessary for her to feel depressed okay
where’s the lady right here just raise
your hand at your side yes ma’am would
you stand up for a moment what’s your
name Hani can we get a microphone for
Tony now you don’t look very depressed
right now are you really depressed right
now yeah you are that’s it
how depressed on you on a 0 to 10 scale
10 is totally depressed want to kill
yourself 0 is not depress the dog not
Nate about an 8 interesting and you’re
feeling that right now actually I’m
doing pretty good I’ve been here yeah
you’re doing better right now how many
saw she was not depressed us now let me
see a show of hands if you saw ok but
you could get there if you wanted to
right yeah right now you’re not actually
the press what are you feeling right now
hopeful hopeful by the way how many saw
in talking to Robbins Tony is
momentarily hopeful Robbins points out
that when Tony feels emotional states
these states are linked to physiological
patterns in her body I want you to
notice I want you to notice
Tony’s physiology right now when she’s
hopeful if you notice she’s got one arm
here but the other one is loose and
she’s smiling and her head’s kind of
bouncing like this that’s called hopeful
for her you can see now it’s even more
than hopeful right now there’s a
different feeling she just had as I
point this out
that’s not depressed and she smiled how
would have you felt when she took the
microphone she was not depressed well he
sees right now how come 3,000 people all
knew that because we’re all natural
psychologist you know that is not
depression
now you can fake somewhat but if you’re
totally depressed you couldn’t have
smiled as big as she did and she would
have been not in the same position Robin
sees that Connie’s depression is not
life-threatening though it creates real
problems for her she will now ask her to
deliberately make herself depressed in
order to investigate how she does it
now what I’d like you to do for me is
I’d like you to get depressed can you
get the press for me it’s crazy okay
show me how to do it because I’m not
very successful at this really get
depressed right now I’m unit for real
get really depressed there you go and
now I want you to double the depression
whatever you got to do do what you do
with your body when you’re twice as
depressed focus on what you focus on
when you’re twice as the press say to
yourself what you say when you’re there
you go when you’re really depressed how
depressed are you right now 0 to 10 stay
in that state and just tell me how to
press zero to ten tennis want to kill
yourself zeros not depressed at all
where are you okay now stay there in
that state so we can learn something how
many saw her change her physiology
radically to go into pressure and raise
your hand what did she specifically do
to go from hopeful to depress by the way
how fast that she go from hopeful to
depressed how fast and heartbeat what
she changed someone tell me
Master what part what happened where the
head go heads down
what else changed stay in that state of
pressed you’re gonna screw this up state
of rest I don’t want you getting happy
on there don’t you get happy on me you
stay depressed dammit Robby’s has
demonstrated how quickly Donnie can take
herself from hopeful to depressed and
then to laughter he pretends to be angry
and disappointed that she cannot
maintain her depression and he uses
surprising and shocking language to
trigger a heightened emotional state
laughing is the worst thing you can do
to be you stop laughing bitch don’t you
smile go back the Depression come on
we’ll help you that’s it good get that
hand back up good that’s good that
helped how many noticed that hands
really important than the depression
thing so she dropped your head what
happened her breathing full or shallow
sorry to get shallow heads down what
happened her shoulders down go stay
there stay down all right
so shallow breathing head down what else
did you notice come on what else did you
notice she started squeezing her hand on
that microphone tight you know that
tension tap on the microphone that
tension now that Robbins has pointed out
the physiological pattern and tiniest
aggression he will ask her what she
focuses on in order to feel the breast
now that’s just the physical side now as
you stay in this state tell me what are
you focusing on to be depressed at level
9 my lack of happiness your lack of
happiness and when you say you’re
focused on your lack of happiness what
do you picture what do you think about
not being able to stop crying a lot
lately
could you get to crying for us could you
get that depressed all come on you can
do it if you’re able to get the place of
not being able to stop let’s go there
not able to put your past behind you
what do you focus on your past in order
to be depressed just say my lack of
trust in people
your lack of trust in people or in men
then that’s a glad you volunteered for
this aren’t you
by the way I’m a man Donny put herself
again in a depressed state through her
physical posture her breathing and her
thought process Robbins will now
humorously provoke her into another
emotional state to continue to show how
easy it is to go from one emotional
state to another what does that
microphone remind you of what are you
feeling right now that’s a little pissed
yeah that’s why I thought by the way
pissed is much better than depressed
what’d she do she brought her head back
up there shows back up she’s still tense
but she’s like don’t with me
so pissed might be a more useful state
it’s certainly not the end-all be-all
but she can get out of depression and go
piss real quickly in fact I bet you’ve
done this plenty of times when she gets
tired of being sad she gets pissed am i
right yeah I call this a crazy eight she
gets really depressed and tired and
feels helpless and she gets tired of
feeling that feeling I’ll explain why
later and then she gets pissed which
makes her feel strong for a short time
then she’s tired of being pissed so she
go back to connecting with herself and
feeling sad again she gets tired and she
gets pissed this is a very simple
pattern and it’s not unique and she’s
good at it cuz she’s practiced it for
years true master yes I can see that for
Danny depression is a way for her to
connect and commiserate with herself
however when this depression begins to
make her feel too weak she snaps out of
it with anger this emotional pattern of
alternating between sadness and anger is
called a crazy age many people live most
of their lives alternating between these
two emotions let’s go back to the Presto
notice she knows exactly where to go
does she know what to do to get
depressed yes or no she would have you
believe that happens to her go ahead get
depressed level eight nod when you’re
that okay tell me what you’re focusing
on right now to be depressed at level
eight I don’t know you’re not there what
do you focused on the men you can’t
trust from your past what do you say to
yourself to be depressed like this just
say out loud what you’re saying in your
head when you’re really depressed when
people experience emotions they are
actually saying things to themselves
silently although they are not said
aloud these language patterns have a
powerful influence on our emotions I’m
so pathetic I’m so pathetic saying the
tone of voice you say it when you stay
depressed oh there’s some
pathetic to really be depressed what do
you gotta say to yourself really
depressed
9:7 the tone of voice you set when
you’re fat the press I want to live my
life this way what else do you say so
pathetic I don’t want to live my life
this way is there a tone of voice here
ladies and gentlemen yes or no what else
do you say to say depressive love of
mine you ever get depressed at 10 like
we want to kill yourself I thought
sorry to disappoint you what are you
doing smiling in what do you feeling
right now kick your ass how fast do we
take her out impression how fast two
seconds if you was her depression she’s
pissed off at you I’m sitting here being
depressed you take me out of it
I’ll come out of my depression when I’m
ready when robbers surprises her and
interferes with her depression Tania
reacts with anger she is protective of
her depression because she has been
using it to satisfy an emotional need
take a moment and ask yourself if she
protects her right to be depressed by
being angry how would that affect her
relationships what would happen if
someone tried to help her overcome her
depression do you know anyone who
protects his or her depression or
another destructive emotion for Danny
this is a turning point she sees the way
she uses depression and she will look
for new ways to meet her emotional needs
so we now know what she doesn’t she’s
pissed and we know what she does when
he’s depressed and she seems to snap
back let’s go back to hopeful for a
second you’re good now – how many how
many recognize the physiology of hopeful
when she went there raising have you
recognized what did she do she started
doing what nine her head shoulders came
back head came up what else did she do
start a smile so can she go from
depressed the hopeful instead of
depressed the test as he chose – these
are wimpy estates have you ever had a
state of pure ecstasy where’s that what
you’re pissed about
I thought we problem good what do you
feeling now
excited excited that’s nice in order to
learn how to overcome her habit of
depression tani needs to work on an
antidote a strong emotional state that
will meet her emotional needs
while counteracting depression Robbins
will suggest that she trained herself in
the emotion of ecstasy I’d like you to
think of a specific peak experience what
you experienced a peak of exercise do
you remember a particular moment I’d
like you to go right before the peak of
that moment as you do that I want you to
step into that images if you were really
there and breathe the way you’re
breathing right near the peak were you
making sounds at this point what are you
feeling right now stay in that state
what are you feeling right now she’s
feeling so much she can’t talk now go
back to the pressure better no go back
the depression come on you’ve been there
for years the depression come on you
can’t put your past behind you if you
can’t put your past behind you in this
case I think that’s a very good thing
because if this was constantly in front
of you imagine the smile that would be
maybe you’ve been selective about which
past put in front of your behind in
conducting his interventions with people
Robbins is following seven master steps
for creating lasting change first
understand their world Robbins began by
understanding Donnie’s triad the
patterns of physiology focus and
language which come together to create
the experience of depression he also
understood her typical krazy-8 emotional
pattern and the source of pain in her
life her difficulty in relationships
second break the pattern using humor
challenge and surprising language
Robbins continuously broke down his
official emotional patterns
third find leverage Robin found leverage
by locating what Donnie cared about most
her desire for a loving trusting
relationship with a man when Tony saw a
chance to change this part of her life
she committed herself fully to the
intervention fourth Robbins redefined
the problem
Donnie’s problem wasn’t depression
depression was just a way of meeting her
needs in the short term that was
actually destructive in the long term
what Tania really wanted was a
relationship and another way to live
with depression out of the way she can
now make that change cyst Robbins
created alternative certainiy
instead of always spiraling into
depression Donnie can learn to access
emotions such as ecstasy and hope the
sixth step is condition the new behavior
and the seventh step is to relate the
change to a higher purpose now Robbins
will undertake step six to discuss the
way Donnie has conditioned herself to go
into depression and how she can
condition herself to make a conscious
choice does she have the ability go from
the press to piss the hopeful or to
ecstatic in a matter of seconds yes or
no does she have the ability yes or no
has she proven to you that she can do
him quickly and immediately yes or no
then why in the past has she gone to
depression she has all these other
choices because she’s been rewarded for
it yeah
is that fair to say that’s why she
didn’t like me very much when I was
showing this all the games she’s been
playing for years now she doesn’t just
do it consciously I know you’re not a
manipulating bitch who’s just doing this
to get something true there are times
when you’re doing a consciousness toss
such a I appreciate your honesty first
of all you give her a big hand for that
honestly sometimes I I really honor you
first of all I appreciate your courage
to even stand up I appreciate you
playing with me because it’s not a
comfortable thing but I appreciate most
and Automotion honesty because with that
honesty can change anything most people
can never get to that level honestly so
they have no power and the reason
they’re most dishonest is with
themselves because it doesn’t feel good
to say yeah I’ve used this at times
but you know you have and you’re honest
about it you can change it now Tony
understands her pattern of being
depressed in the hope that she would be
loved and taken care of and then being
angry because of the feeling of
helplessness brought on by depression
this crazy age is a common way to
resolve our contradictory needs for
feeling connected and vulnerable and for
feeling powerful and in control now
Robbins will move into step 7 relate to
a higher purpose he will show Donnie
that the radical swing sufferer krazy-8
are not necessary when she is connected
to her higher purpose and her true self
but you gotta set up a new reward system
for yourself the other thing is you’ve
gotten in the habit of doing it that
sometimes you just do it unconsciously
now because you’ve gotten in this what I
call crazy eight this loop and you like
the pissed part because it makes you
feel powerful it’s because you feel
really non powerful and the other state
what you also like because you live in a
world where women are no longer honored
for their feminine they’re all supposed
to be men now so your one way to get
feminine is to get broken and feminism
about broken feminine is about feeling
but it’s not okay for you to feel so you
go there and you got enough reason to be
depressed and feel that and maybe
actually have some people step up and
take care of you and honor you
or masculine
she said you always be in control but
you also you’re addicted to that control
then you call pissed off as your way of
mobilizing now you mobilize that fist
often it’s a useful skill I know how to
do it too but it’s not very feminine and
that doesn’t mean you have to be
feminine every minute I know any woman
this room can kick any man’s ass just
about anything business-wise at this
stage as any man can do with any woman
if there is no there’s no gender bias
anymore and a woman can do anything with
a man can do and do things a man can’t
do like she could have a kid without a
man today so I want you to notice how
you’re feeling right now I just saw a
really beautiful smile it wasn’t a
forced smile of hopefulness and it
wasn’t a smile of you just did something
cool what was that smile that I just saw
do you remember a moment just a second
ago comfort comfort how did that feel it
feels good
how would you compare that feeling to
depression person how would you compare
it to pissed what you just saw her if
you saw her was somebody saw that
relaxation smile how many saw that I’m
just curious what happened is she went
home for a few moments when I described
what her real nature is like you’re a
very feminine woman but you live trained
yourself to kick ass and out of all the
pain you’ve had you’ve gotten really
tough and the tougher you got the more
you lost your soul not your soul that’s
not fair to say the feeling of being
connected to your soul because you’ve
covered it all up that’s really what’s
depressed you but you’ve got addicted to
the feeling of getting tough and feeling
sad cuz the sad is the one time you
allow yourself to be feminine because in
the feminine you don’t have to control
you just allow it to be if you’ll have
to be long enough it’s gonna change
anyway if you do nothing men think they
got to control it make it happen and do
all those things well he doesn’t have to
do that if she’s in her natural feminine
state I’m not saying this because you’re
the only person this room I’m talking to
you right now there are no other men and
women this relates to in this room 3,000
people but if they were listening to me
right now they might discover that the
greatest happiness in life comes when
you get back to your true nature first
of all I really want to thank you
sincerely honor you after
I’m gonna ask you to diagnose yourself
with what I’m about to share which is
the specific reason why you’ve really
done this why anyone does anything and
I’d like you to diagnose it but I really
truly want to honor you and I hope
everyone else will for your total
sincerity and honesty and all the big
promise asked I need to show him what
she does to get depressed he then
noticed her physiological posture for
pattern of focus and the language
patterns which came together for Tania’s
the experience of depression while she
was depressed he provoked her and she
snapped out of her depression with anger
this was Toni’s predominant pattern a
crazy 8 she would get depressed in the
hope that she would be loved and taken
care of but when she said we can
helpless she would get angry to snap out
of the depression
in fact Donnie even got angry to protect
her right to be depressed
this shows that at some level she holds
on to her depression because it
satisfies a need for her astonish sets
down Robins will make a presentation on
the six human needs specifically gearing
his talk to help her understand more
deeply how she uses depression to meet
her needs we only do things because at
some level consciously or subconsciously
we believe we will meet one or more of
what I call our six human needs I am
here to tell you having been with 3
million people from all over this planet
that while we’re all completely diverse
in our physiology is the way we look
think acne hey one thing I can tell you
for sure we’re hardwired with the same
needs most people keep their problems
because it meets their needs and it
meets their needs without risking their
greatest fear this is a key concept in
human need psychology we recognize two
kinds of problems quality problems and
safe problems quality problems involve a
risky forward thinking decision that
will often take you to another stage in
life this decision could be something
like making a career shift committing to
a relationship starting a family or even
leaving a relationship or moving
it can also be a risky interpersonal
communication that leaves you vulnerable
telling someone that you love them
confronting someone about an injustice
or asking someone for help
sometimes quality decisions are simple
like deciding to appreciate yourself and
others or cultivating a feeling of
gratitude save problems on the other
hand are lingering issues which strictly
speaking lie within our control
depression procrastination hesitation
food and other addictions blaming others
for your troubles avoiding decisions or
withdrawing from relationships safe
problems seem safe because they seem to
protect us from our fear that if we try
and fail we won’t be enough and won’t be
loved of course in the long run it is
safe problems such as depression and
addictions which cause more damage to
our bodies our spirit and our
relationships than risky problems ever
do when people come up against a risky
decision that they feel unwilling to
make they will often develop a safe
problem that will distract them from
making a risky decision for instance
Danny stood up with a problem of
depression a safe problem that strictly
speaking lies within her control robbins
discovered that Danny’s greater fear lay
in a risky decision how to trust a man
and develop the relationship she wants
in life most ways meet your needs you’d
have to take a risk like start to get in
a relationship and that brings up a big
risk in fact the primary fear that we
won’t are not enough won’t be loved
guess where it shows up more than any
other place an intimate relationship cuz
Lou that’s why most people spend more
time at work or with their kids because
of the kids that dig I got this love
forever on the other hand work you can
control it by your effort by your focus
by your commitment to do well in work
you have control that no control in a
relationship influence at best that’s
what you have so it’s scary as hell for
people I don’t care what the situation
is you don’t get your relationship where
you want
be you’re gonna be in pain the first of
the six human needs I believe is the
need for certainty think of certainty as
the ability to avoid pain and the
ability to have pleasure at least to
avoid pain because avoiding pain is a
survival instinct it’s hardwired into us
to have some level of certainty just to
survive so we need certainty everybody
needs that the only question is how much
of it you think you’ve got to have I’ll
tell you this the quality of your life
is in direct proportion to the amount of
uncertainty you can comfortably live
with the more uncertainty even live with
the more you’ll try the more you’ll
learn the more alive you’ll be the more
you got to be certain about everything
lest you’ll have so in this young lady’s
case she really wants certainty that
this next relationship won’t hurt her
and yet she needs certainty so how’s she
gonna get it well she can do it by being
incredibly intense about the men she’s
with and really screening the hell out
of them she screams the hell out of them
maybe they’re gonna feel judged and
think why would I want to be around this
bitch so there’s many ways to get
certainty you can get certainty by
eating when you overeat all the blood
rushes in your stomach you start
breathing again in Dubai smoking deep
diaphragmatic breath happens you can do
it by drugs you can do it by just
looking at your history and saying you
know well I’ve always found a way isn’t
it amazing and I will again just
trusting based on your history you’ve
always found the way you can do it
through spiritually you can do in
positive ways neutral ways or
destructive ways because everybody finds
a way to meet their need for certainty
everyone even crazy people everybody
finds a way the only question is are you
gonna find a way that’s a way that’s
obtainable or sustainable everybody
obtains certainty the question is can
you sustain it and can you do in a way
that sustains you long-term take a
moment to consider what are some of the
ways that you used to get the feeling of
certainty what do you do with your
physiology eat sleep exercise the way
you breathe or stand what do you do with
your focus in order to feel certain do
you have an empowering belief do you
focus on your future or your past what
language patterns do you use are there
phrases you use regularly if you like
pause the film for a moment
and write this down now Robbins will
explain the second human need
uncertainty how many of you in this room
tell me honestly how many of you love
surprises you didn’t say I you
liked the surprises you want the
surprises you don’t want you call
problems and you don’t want those but
you need them because there are the
things that make you grow see what we
need is ready to be alive we need
stimulation we need the unknown or we
feel dead inside see you can get variety
by doing drugs because variety is just a
change in the state you can get variety
by eating that’s why people get addicted
to food because they can get comfort and
ride drugs
comfort and ride you’re all bored or
frustrated go smoke and it changes your
state variety and your comfortable high
means to my needs interesting you can
also get variety in positive ways like
taking on new challenge setting a new
goal you can get riding the conversation
if someone says was so boring man I go
no life isn’t boring you’re bored could
you sit in a room with nothing else
there and have unlimited variety if you
just used your brain yes or no see
variety is available at any moment most
people value certainly more that’s why
their life is so boring we tend to pick
of these six we tend to pick one or two
that we value more and it shapes the
direction of our life people are
certainly driven in up with a very
different life than people’s a variety
good what are some of the ways that you
use to meet your need for uncertainty
and variety what do you do with your
physiology with your focus and with your
language now Robbins will explain the
third human need significance third you
need the need for significance we all
have a need to feel significant to feel
important to feel special to feel unique
the word significance as many different
connotations uniqueness special we all
have the feeling of wanting to be needed
to feel important these are all code
words for significance who has this need
every human being you ever
me in your life all of us have it the
only difference is how we go about it
some people try to be significant by
achieving everything some people try to
be significant by breaking through big
problems
some people get significance by having
more earrings and more locations and
you’d want to ever describe some do it
by being unique in their tattoos some by
having a unique hairstyle some people
buy their style of late walk or how they
talk or their humor everybody finds a
way to be unique or special or to feel
needed or to feel important it’s a human
need that everyone has even those who
deny it you can get significance in a
positive way a neutral way or negative
way one of the fastest ways to
significance with strangers is violence
if you go up here to the hood not far
from here and I come up and put a gun to
your head guess what I am instantly
significant I don’t need a college
education I don’t need to work at it I
don’t do anything and I am certain
you’re gonna respond to me I’ve met two
of my needs and there’s variety because
who knows what’s gonna happen next it’s
different every time by the way any time
something you do or believe you
associate that meeting at least three of
your needs you become addicted to it
positive or negative doesn’t matter so
if you’ve got a big enough problem
because there’s two ways to give
significance take a huge risk
potentially fail and look like you’re
unworthy and worthless and not worthy of
love and face your deepest fear on earth
or have a really big problem you can
share with everybody a significant
problem that’s so bad that you can tell
everybody about it and now you don’t
ever have to face your fears and you can
feel significant which is the choice
most people make me think of a problem
that you have struggled with or a
complaint you have had for an extended
time if you have continued to focus on
it without resolving it odds are that it
has helped you to meet your need for
significance the majority people in the
world try to find big enough problems so
that they never have to beat themselves
up for not being enough or so at least
they can defend themselves and
themselves or other people and they want
to know
why they haven’t done it’s not that
you’re gutless it’s not that you’re
worthless and you’re not loved it’s just
this horrible thing that happened to you
funny thing other people have much more
horrible things and they’ve managed to
succeed but that would require a level
of truth that very few people have this
young lady in the middle row here
certainly does happen and minute you
have that level of honesty you have the
power to change if we want to be
significant we can do it in negative
ways positive ways you can be a
troublemaker and be significant you can
be a contributor and be significant how
do you give significance do you do it
through business achievement do you do
it by being the best parent do you do it
by the way you dress they do it by being
tough and you can handle anybody no
matter what they do with you do you do
it by having a really big problem that
you can demonstrate that will how do you
do it now here’s the problem
to be totally significant you got to be
totally unique and different to be
totally unique and different violates
your fourth human need one of the
deepest ones the need for connection and
love because the more different you have
to be the less connected you can be so
love or connection most people settle
for connection because it’s a lot less
scary don’t put as much out there can’t
be hurt as bad so it’s settled for
connection instead of love love that’s a
very scary thing you can get connection
the fastest way to get connection let’s
have a problem see go out and do
extremely well and see how many people
are thrilled for you and for how long
most people when they see you succeed
they look and evaluate themselves and
even though you may think they’re
phenomenal they don’t think they’re
phenomenal and so what they going to do
is feel insignificant cuz of your
achievements now they have one or two
choices get out there and face their
risks and kick ass and do something
which takes enormous fear overcoming
enormous fear or tear you down which one
he thinks faster and easier and more
predictable tear you down you can get
connection by loving someone you in
connection by making love you can get
connection by prayer
you get connection by walking through
nature you can get connection by getting
really sick and people coming to want to
take care of you what are some of the
ways that you use to get the feeling of
action do you get it by giving or by
receiving or both what do you do in
order to receive from others how do you
give love and connection to others do
you experience love on a regular basis
or do you hold back from love
now Robbins will explain the final two
needs growth and contribution the first
four needs of the needs of your
personality everybody meets them you if
you gotta lie to yourself the final two
you can only mean by really doing
something and the final two is number
five as you must grow the fact that you
don’t grow you what you know the answer
you what you die and number 6 you must
contribute beyond yourself you must
contribute beyond yourself because if
life is just about you I Got News for
you you can make yourself feel pleasure
for a moment because somebody
complimented you or because you made a
certain idea come through you or because
you know some situation you did really
well but that’s a temporary pleasure
fulfillment stays with you fulfillment
only comes when you know you’ve grown
and when you know you’ve contributed
beyond yourself coz life is not just
about us and everything in the universe
either contributes or is eliminated by
evolution these are the primary needs of
all human beings and very few human
beings meet these on a regular basis now
I took a lot of time to do this because
I don’t want you to be passive with me I
want you to be active so when somebody
stands up I want you to become the
practical psychologist the natural
psychologist who starts to say why are
they doing this
oh they’re meeting this need this this
need interesting how are they doing this
oh look what they’re doing with their
body whatever they do with their
language
notice what they’re focusing on ha and
why look there’s the fear showing up and
then notice how we change it so that
when you leave here you’ll have a
greater appreciation for every human
being you meet whether it be your child
or there’ll be the person you can’t
stand and you’ll understand why now
now now tawny you’re not feeling too
depressed right now what are you feeling
right now
elated elated ladies and gentlemen and
you look it I notice your smile does she
have a different quality of smile there
yes or now yes now I want ask a question
I like you now to diagnose the old
pattern because it wasn’t you that you
ran I’d like you to tell me the truth
which of these six needs did you meet by
getting depressed and which of these
needs by the way did you meet by getting
pissed off
start with the pressed love love how did
you get love by being depressed
well attention from other people that’s
love
imagine also trying to caress myself out
of it so giving myself the love – that’s
right on a scale from zero to ten how
much love are you getting by being
depressed truthfully I think I thought
it was a lot less than yeah she’s seeing
it now through a different state how
many follow this but back then how much
did you associate the ability to get
love 0 to 10 with being depressed what
would you put it yeah like at 8
I can 8 okay which means 9 in no reason
I saw this because she smiled as she
said hey so closer to a 9 but let’s stay
with 8 just so we can ourselves
next what other need have you met in the
past by being depressed feeling
significant feeling significant there we
go
wait can you give her a hand for that
level of honesty first of all how did
you get a feeling of significance for
having this horrible depression well
when I would get attention from other
people it it signify that they really
cared for me that they really loved me
that’s right so if I also how bad was it
I mean how significant was this
oppression it wasn’t measly ass little
depression it’s I can’t stop crying
depression right so how how difficult
tenth so now we’ve met her need for love
and an eight really nine we met our
significance at a 10 by having this
problem what other needs were you
meeting by being depressed
stability stability is a big one
certainty how certain were you that you
could get yourself in that stake a seven
a seven okay and how certain were you
that you could be in that state and stay
in that state if you wanted to be zero
to ten ten so she meets her needs for
certainty in a ten her needs for
significant to the tenth and love at a
nine
any time you associate at least three
elements you become totally addicted to
it but she doesn’t just meet him she
meets him at nines and tens if you met
him at fives and sixes you’d get
addicted but nines and tens it’s a total
addiction if we don’t go any further how
many can see why even though she could
feel total ecstasy joy happiness
hopefulness love at will just as quickly
how many can see why she was always
depressed because it was a way of
meeting her had an addictive level any
other needs were meeting by getting in
this state of depression things are
going a certain way over and over day
after day a certain way what could you
do when you got depressed rush yes the
rush of depression you guys hear this
what is that rush of feeling all your
feelings right feelings you weren’t
feeling before which is known as variety
uncertainty zero to ten how much of a
rush I could go to a ten yeah so why
would she be happy when she’s got this
unhappiness thing working so well she
gets connection and love she has
significance and she doesn’t have to do
anything Stephanie take any risk doesn’t
have to face anything doesn’t have to
create anything she can have a total
rush in her body in fact she can rush
herself the point you can cry
uncontrollably which means really feel
again and feel the feminine side of
herself which is allow herself to just
feel but then that’s not very acceptable
to stay in that state long term because
people get tired you whine an ass all
the time so you need another weapon to
show people that you’re not just some
wuss and that you’re to be reckoned with
because after a while she gets tired of
feeling that sad feelings after a while
it feels interesting
again doesn’t it and week so then we
snap into significant feelings that come
from being pissy and intense I’ll whip
your ass it was the turn you gave me
earlier
like I’ll kick your ass I’ll kick your
ass something like I’ll kick your ass
that wasn’t the first time you’ve ever
used that phrase was it nice yeah use a
lot so now what we do is we whip
ourselves in this day and which needs
you meet by being in the state of I’ll
kick your ass
well probably all of those two yes take
a moment to review some of your typical
ways of meeting your needs is there a
problem that stands out above everything
else is it a quality problem a risky
decision that will create progress in
your life and the lives of others or is
it a lingering safe problem that
relieves you from making a risky
decision significance at zero to ten
houses when you’re pissed off house how
certain do you feel in your body on a
zero to ten everybody how certain 10 we
are pissed off people tend to respond
even if they don’t like you how
significant do you feel ten and by the
way you get connection with people you
don’t get love you get connection with
people so now you got three of them met
instantaneously that’s why most people
are so angry all the time because it’s
their addiction to try to feel
significant when they feel insignificant
so one way to battle your own fear that
you’re not enough is get pissed off at
something or someone or everyone else so
now the only hope for you as a solution
besides awareness is to humiliate
yourself if you go into those places by
realizing I’m being a bitch and what I’m
doing is stealing from my friends by
creating a problem that I totally could
shift this fast they don’t deserve that
and I’m not going to do that to my own
spirit and then if they find some new
ways to do it like ways like feeling
this hopefulness or this happiness or
this elation by realizing I am growing
and because I’m growing I can pass this
on to my sisterhood or my Brotherhood or
my children I can grow and I can
contribute that’s what you’ll be you
fork because the feelings you’re having
today are only so good they only last so
long whether it really lasts is when it
becomes not about you but it becomes
outside yourself and you on all of it’s
fulfilling but the place that will get
you back
is when you get around men because
they’re gonna do to be significant
it’s gonna piss you off because you know
you’re significant and you’re not going to want to feel insignificant
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