what’s up elimination it’s Evan happy
weekend I started to believe love series
because entrepreneurs and relationships
can be tough we put so much of our heart
and soul into our business that it can
be difficult managing relationships
relationships can be difficult in the
first place but on top of that an
entrepreneur and a business to run and
it can be really complicated so I
thought of creating the belief love
series one for myself to strengthen my
own relationship with Nima and learn
something new every week that I can
bring to my relationship but also to for
you guys everybody out there is trying
to balance a busy business and the
relationship at the same time hopefully
the content here can help you so last
week we learn from iyanla Vanzant on how
to fight fairly today we’re going to
learn from New York Times bestselling
author Brendon Burchard and how to
prioritize your relationship I think
relationship advice is really difficult
because just depends where you’re at in
your relationship whether you’re happy
with it whether you’re unhappy with it
whether we’ve been with somebody for a
long time or not but I think there are
some probably you know universal things
that you can keep in mind to create
greater love great greater connection
great greater I just frankly joy and
acceptance and vibrancy and sensuality
in your relationship and the first one
is to practice positive projection what
that means is is you should be assuming
the best about your partner and
projecting positive traits and ideas
onto them assume that they are doing
their best assume that they are thinking
of you assume that they are trying to do
things for you assume it at least
they’re not trying to cause any harm and
this is the tough one especially if
you’ve been in a relationship a long
time because you’ve probably already
discounted me and this video just
because of that piece of advice right
you say no no no Brendon you don’t
understand my person is always a bastard
if my person is always trying to do this
to me they’re always trying to do that
to me and may a look I don’t know your
situation is that could be true but what
we do know from relationship science and
it is a science and you could study
communication you can still
the different ways that people connect
in their intimacy and the relationships
in their marriages and you see over and
over and over again that often one
partner says something to their other
partner and that person completely blows
up in their mind with this big story
about how this other person is you know
trying to control them how this other
person is clearly belittling them is
clearly being condescending is clearly
hurting them but when you look at the
transcripts of their conversation you
see that the partner over here really
just said something very
matter-of-factly and this person who’s
offended drew all of their past history
or some negative parts of the couple’s
history into that conversation and
projected that onto what the person said
in fact often in conflicts the person
who’s the most angry can’t remember what
the other person even said they can’t
recall the exact words they just said
well they made me feel this way and the
reality is the person didn’t say
anything that would from a third party
standpoint cue those emotions would cue
that frustration or that anger but what
we all do is we just take what’s upset
us in the past we take our old patterns
our old beliefs our old hurts and our
old pains and we bring them into our
relationship with somebody and
especially in a conflict now we think
that somebody’s trying to hurt us we
think that somebody is belittling us
when the facts of what they said aren’t
that big of a deal
in other words we blow things out of
proportion because of our past not
necessarily what is being said or
displayed right in front of us so as a
rule the best thing I feel that we can
do in our relationship is to practice
positive projection just assume that the
other person is there with you for you
and in love with you think that you know
what they just said they’re not trying
to offend you they just might be in a
bad place you know they might be
frustrated they might be tired they
might be distracted and don’t get mad at
them realize hey you know this person’s
doing the best they can I mean imagine
if we just projected we gave them more
patience to those that we love and we
projected an assumption that they were
doing their best and that they were in
love and that they were with us and that
they were trying I think that if you’re
in a relationship that matters a
relationship that’s important to your
relationship you want to stick with
you’ve got to start assuming better
about your partner you got to give them
credit and the benefit of the doubt
again because you’ve probably been
projecting all your negative stuff your
own fears your own inadequacies your old
upsets your bad beliefs into the
conversations and it’s tearing you apart
so you got to figure that one out
practice positive projection I think the
second thing we have to do is to learn
to listen longer and I know you’re
probably like oh yeah yeah yeah Brendan
listenig I know I got a listen no I know
but people say you know be a better
listener I say well the essence of being
a better listener
is to listen longer see respect is
really just a demonstration of listening
a little longer and I think what we have
to do is train ourselves to be more
patient with people to listen to them
without trying to solve their issue
without trying to input our own story
without trying to figure out the root
cause of what’s going on for them I know
this as a man right but when I listen to
somebody especially a female and she’s
she’s upset about something or she’s
venting about something or she’s
complaining about something or she’s
just speaking about something that she’s
very frustrated with and it comes at me
it’s easy I get I’m like I just want to
solve it I want to stop the noise no but
that is not a way for me to deepen my
relationships what we have to do is
allow people to vent at us a little
longer without losing our patience
matter of fact some of my best friends
in the world I tell them the 20 minute
listening challenge when they get home
when their spouse comes up to them and
start sharing about the day and wants to
talk about a bunch of things I tell them
just weather that storm for 20 minutes
just listen for 20 minutes try not to
solve anything try to reflect back what
they’re saying or just even be quiet and
let them just go and you know
the funniest thing is after about 20
minutes almost everybody runs out of gas
now you say no no I ready my partner can
talk for hours and hours hours that
might be true but usually when they
first connect with you then they first
see you when they haven’t seen they just
there’s a twenty minutes of something on
and at the end between teammates they
kind of run out a little bit they’re
like oh yeah so so how are you and
that’s we say oh you know it is a really
crazy day hey would you mind if I just
go get settled just give him the twenty
minutes just if you when you pull up to
your house if you have to you know just
sit in the car center yourself then go
inside the house and let them get you
for twenty minutes just give them twenty
minutes give it to it you can give them
twenty minutes you love them give them
twenty minutes then get yourself settled
but if I think we can learn to allow
people more time to talk we start to
find greater connections with people
often we just cut them off often we
interrupt them we tell them what to do
and the worst thing we often do is we
say hey you shouldn’t feel that way and
here’s why or hey why are you feeling
that way and we try to do some root
cause analysis when really we could just
allow them to express themselves and
they’ll find their own way to listen
longer I think the third thing we have
to do to maintain a great relationship
is we got to escape together you got to
get out I mean every week you should go
on a date night or every other week and
you should every three months disappear
you know I tell people if you read the
charge or a lot of my work we say you
know the 90 day challenge is every 90
days you and your spouse your partner
lover getaway go somewhere you know give
the kids to somebody know give the kids
the grandparents to the neighbors the
babysitter whatever you do go away for
two or three days those two or three
days are vital they could be you know
anywhere they give you could do it them
at home you could go to a hotel you
could go on vacation together but every
90 days you got to schedule it and
disappear together where the two of you
are not working are not well are not
with the kids are not in a place where
you are have the demands of your career
or your work where you can just turn off
and people say all the time well Brendon
sure you can do that but not everybody
can do that I’m like no everyone
can do that if you can’t and if you
think about it in three months of time
if you can’t take two to three days off
with the person you love then what kind
of life have you set up for yourself
that’s the question we have a great
amount of control over our lives a
tremendous amount of choices transmat of
decision and we get to choose what are
we doing with our time and if you set up
your time so irresponsibly that you
can’t take two to three days off every
90 days then it’s time to reclaim your
life agenda
let me read my book the motivation
manifesto go out there study some things
on productivity study some things on how
to get your time back make better
choices for yourself but at least decide
your life mean you deserve at least I
mean if every three months you can’t
take a couple days off what’s going on
with you it’s time to look at yourself
and it’s time to look at your
relationship if your relationship isn’t
important enough to give it a couple
days
you know once a quarter then maybe
you’re in the wrong relationship or
maybe you’re approaching the idea of
relationships wrong or maybe you’ve
never prioritized your relationship and
that’s why it hurts so bad
I’d say the last piece is that I think
it’s really important to stay in your
job in a relationship and I don’t mean
by your employment if you can quit your
job but don’t quit the relationship but
what’s your job in a relationship it’s
to love and it’s so easy to forget that
because we get mad at somebody and they
didn’t run the task or empty the garbage
or take out the dishes wait I think I
got it backwards but they forgot
something and we get mad at them we
forget our jobs there is to love and if
you’re really going to choose love over
choosing your past we’re going to choose
love over fear or hurt or pain or choose
love or being you know right then you’re
going to start to find something
switches in that relationship and it’s a
good thing
see most people aren’t choosing love
that’s using fear most people aren’t
choosing love their choosing hurt and
because of that over and over and over
again that simple choice in the
relationship they’re not approaching the
research with the intention of love
right if you can approach your
relationship with the intention of love
to say
look I’m just going to keep bringing joy
and love and acceptance and compassion
and empathy and vibrancy and sensuality
to this relationship and you’re always
doing that more often than you’re
bringing the negative stuff that
relationship will suddenly start to turn
positive it will get easier as you
change your intentions to be more geared
towards love that’s your job
stay in your job in relationship to love
this person to make their day to
surprise them to care for them stop
asking so much what you’re getting from
the relationship and how they’ve done
you all wrong and start asking what have
you been doing right what have you been
doing to add value love energy vibrancy
sensuality to their life what have you
been doing to love them ask the question
how can you deliver more love to your
partner and to the world and you might
start to experience what we call the
charged life thank you guys so much for
watching I hope you enjoy I’d love to
know what did you take in this video
that you’re going to apply somehow to
your life to your relationships leave it
down the comments below I’m really
curious to find out also this is a new
series this is a bubble series we may
continue it may not I love to get your
perspective up if we should and why your
views your comments your engagement will
dictate whether this series live or not
I’m really looking forward to hearing
what you have to say thank you guys so
much for watching I believe in you
looking to me to believe in yourself and
whatever you’re one where it is let’s
love see see
[Music]
weekend I started to believe love series
because entrepreneurs and relationships
can be tough we put so much of our heart
and soul into our business that it can
be difficult managing relationships
relationships can be difficult in the
first place but on top of that an
entrepreneur and a business to run and
it can be really complicated so I
thought of creating the belief love
series one for myself to strengthen my
own relationship with Nima and learn
something new every week that I can
bring to my relationship but also to for
you guys everybody out there is trying
to balance a busy business and the
relationship at the same time hopefully
the content here can help you so last
week we learn from iyanla Vanzant on how
to fight fairly today we’re going to
learn from New York Times bestselling
author Brendon Burchard and how to
prioritize your relationship I think
relationship advice is really difficult
because just depends where you’re at in
your relationship whether you’re happy
with it whether you’re unhappy with it
whether we’ve been with somebody for a
long time or not but I think there are
some probably you know universal things
that you can keep in mind to create
greater love great greater connection
great greater I just frankly joy and
acceptance and vibrancy and sensuality
in your relationship and the first one
is to practice positive projection what
that means is is you should be assuming
the best about your partner and
projecting positive traits and ideas
onto them assume that they are doing
their best assume that they are thinking
of you assume that they are trying to do
things for you assume it at least
they’re not trying to cause any harm and
this is the tough one especially if
you’ve been in a relationship a long
time because you’ve probably already
discounted me and this video just
because of that piece of advice right
you say no no no Brendon you don’t
understand my person is always a bastard
if my person is always trying to do this
to me they’re always trying to do that
to me and may a look I don’t know your
situation is that could be true but what
we do know from relationship science and
it is a science and you could study
communication you can still
the different ways that people connect
in their intimacy and the relationships
in their marriages and you see over and
over and over again that often one
partner says something to their other
partner and that person completely blows
up in their mind with this big story
about how this other person is you know
trying to control them how this other
person is clearly belittling them is
clearly being condescending is clearly
hurting them but when you look at the
transcripts of their conversation you
see that the partner over here really
just said something very
matter-of-factly and this person who’s
offended drew all of their past history
or some negative parts of the couple’s
history into that conversation and
projected that onto what the person said
in fact often in conflicts the person
who’s the most angry can’t remember what
the other person even said they can’t
recall the exact words they just said
well they made me feel this way and the
reality is the person didn’t say
anything that would from a third party
standpoint cue those emotions would cue
that frustration or that anger but what
we all do is we just take what’s upset
us in the past we take our old patterns
our old beliefs our old hurts and our
old pains and we bring them into our
relationship with somebody and
especially in a conflict now we think
that somebody’s trying to hurt us we
think that somebody is belittling us
when the facts of what they said aren’t
that big of a deal
in other words we blow things out of
proportion because of our past not
necessarily what is being said or
displayed right in front of us so as a
rule the best thing I feel that we can
do in our relationship is to practice
positive projection just assume that the
other person is there with you for you
and in love with you think that you know
what they just said they’re not trying
to offend you they just might be in a
bad place you know they might be
frustrated they might be tired they
might be distracted and don’t get mad at
them realize hey you know this person’s
doing the best they can I mean imagine
if we just projected we gave them more
patience to those that we love and we
projected an assumption that they were
doing their best and that they were in
love and that they were with us and that
they were trying I think that if you’re
in a relationship that matters a
relationship that’s important to your
relationship you want to stick with
you’ve got to start assuming better
about your partner you got to give them
credit and the benefit of the doubt
again because you’ve probably been
projecting all your negative stuff your
own fears your own inadequacies your old
upsets your bad beliefs into the
conversations and it’s tearing you apart
so you got to figure that one out
practice positive projection I think the
second thing we have to do is to learn
to listen longer and I know you’re
probably like oh yeah yeah yeah Brendan
listenig I know I got a listen no I know
but people say you know be a better
listener I say well the essence of being
a better listener
is to listen longer see respect is
really just a demonstration of listening
a little longer and I think what we have
to do is train ourselves to be more
patient with people to listen to them
without trying to solve their issue
without trying to input our own story
without trying to figure out the root
cause of what’s going on for them I know
this as a man right but when I listen to
somebody especially a female and she’s
she’s upset about something or she’s
venting about something or she’s
complaining about something or she’s
just speaking about something that she’s
very frustrated with and it comes at me
it’s easy I get I’m like I just want to
solve it I want to stop the noise no but
that is not a way for me to deepen my
relationships what we have to do is
allow people to vent at us a little
longer without losing our patience
matter of fact some of my best friends
in the world I tell them the 20 minute
listening challenge when they get home
when their spouse comes up to them and
start sharing about the day and wants to
talk about a bunch of things I tell them
just weather that storm for 20 minutes
just listen for 20 minutes try not to
solve anything try to reflect back what
they’re saying or just even be quiet and
let them just go and you know
the funniest thing is after about 20
minutes almost everybody runs out of gas
now you say no no I ready my partner can
talk for hours and hours hours that
might be true but usually when they
first connect with you then they first
see you when they haven’t seen they just
there’s a twenty minutes of something on
and at the end between teammates they
kind of run out a little bit they’re
like oh yeah so so how are you and
that’s we say oh you know it is a really
crazy day hey would you mind if I just
go get settled just give him the twenty
minutes just if you when you pull up to
your house if you have to you know just
sit in the car center yourself then go
inside the house and let them get you
for twenty minutes just give them twenty
minutes give it to it you can give them
twenty minutes you love them give them
twenty minutes then get yourself settled
but if I think we can learn to allow
people more time to talk we start to
find greater connections with people
often we just cut them off often we
interrupt them we tell them what to do
and the worst thing we often do is we
say hey you shouldn’t feel that way and
here’s why or hey why are you feeling
that way and we try to do some root
cause analysis when really we could just
allow them to express themselves and
they’ll find their own way to listen
longer I think the third thing we have
to do to maintain a great relationship
is we got to escape together you got to
get out I mean every week you should go
on a date night or every other week and
you should every three months disappear
you know I tell people if you read the
charge or a lot of my work we say you
know the 90 day challenge is every 90
days you and your spouse your partner
lover getaway go somewhere you know give
the kids to somebody know give the kids
the grandparents to the neighbors the
babysitter whatever you do go away for
two or three days those two or three
days are vital they could be you know
anywhere they give you could do it them
at home you could go to a hotel you
could go on vacation together but every
90 days you got to schedule it and
disappear together where the two of you
are not working are not well are not
with the kids are not in a place where
you are have the demands of your career
or your work where you can just turn off
and people say all the time well Brendon
sure you can do that but not everybody
can do that I’m like no everyone
can do that if you can’t and if you
think about it in three months of time
if you can’t take two to three days off
with the person you love then what kind
of life have you set up for yourself
that’s the question we have a great
amount of control over our lives a
tremendous amount of choices transmat of
decision and we get to choose what are
we doing with our time and if you set up
your time so irresponsibly that you
can’t take two to three days off every
90 days then it’s time to reclaim your
life agenda
let me read my book the motivation
manifesto go out there study some things
on productivity study some things on how
to get your time back make better
choices for yourself but at least decide
your life mean you deserve at least I
mean if every three months you can’t
take a couple days off what’s going on
with you it’s time to look at yourself
and it’s time to look at your
relationship if your relationship isn’t
important enough to give it a couple
days
you know once a quarter then maybe
you’re in the wrong relationship or
maybe you’re approaching the idea of
relationships wrong or maybe you’ve
never prioritized your relationship and
that’s why it hurts so bad
I’d say the last piece is that I think
it’s really important to stay in your
job in a relationship and I don’t mean
by your employment if you can quit your
job but don’t quit the relationship but
what’s your job in a relationship it’s
to love and it’s so easy to forget that
because we get mad at somebody and they
didn’t run the task or empty the garbage
or take out the dishes wait I think I
got it backwards but they forgot
something and we get mad at them we
forget our jobs there is to love and if
you’re really going to choose love over
choosing your past we’re going to choose
love over fear or hurt or pain or choose
love or being you know right then you’re
going to start to find something
switches in that relationship and it’s a
good thing
see most people aren’t choosing love
that’s using fear most people aren’t
choosing love their choosing hurt and
because of that over and over and over
again that simple choice in the
relationship they’re not approaching the
research with the intention of love
right if you can approach your
relationship with the intention of love
to say
look I’m just going to keep bringing joy
and love and acceptance and compassion
and empathy and vibrancy and sensuality
to this relationship and you’re always
doing that more often than you’re
bringing the negative stuff that
relationship will suddenly start to turn
positive it will get easier as you
change your intentions to be more geared
towards love that’s your job
stay in your job in relationship to love
this person to make their day to
surprise them to care for them stop
asking so much what you’re getting from
the relationship and how they’ve done
you all wrong and start asking what have
you been doing right what have you been
doing to add value love energy vibrancy
sensuality to their life what have you
been doing to love them ask the question
how can you deliver more love to your
partner and to the world and you might
start to experience what we call the
charged life thank you guys so much for
watching I hope you enjoy I’d love to
know what did you take in this video
that you’re going to apply somehow to
your life to your relationships leave it
down the comments below I’m really
curious to find out also this is a new
series this is a bubble series we may
continue it may not I love to get your
perspective up if we should and why your
views your comments your engagement will
dictate whether this series live or not
I’m really looking forward to hearing
what you have to say thank you guys so
much for watching I believe in you
looking to me to believe in yourself and
whatever you’re one where it is let’s
love see see
[Music]
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