fundamentally we suffer from
procrastination or we have tendencies
towards procrastination because as
children we are treated as slaves
because it’s children we are treated as
slaves and let me explain sort of what I
mean by that and we’ll see if we can’t
make a little bit of sense out of it and
when we’re children we are simply told
what to do
we are ordered around we are managed we
are ordered to to perform certain chores
to obey to sit still to do our homework
that we just ordered what to do and
we’re not consulted in any way shape or
form and we get little sort of
inconsequential consults like would you
like hot dogs or hamburgers for dinner
but our preferences are fine
foundational fundamental preferences are
not consulted when we’re children so so
when I say that our preferences or our
feelings were not consulted when we were
children what I mean is that your local
pizza parlor will sort of ask you from
time to time if you’ve ever been part of
one of these surveys you know what I
mean I’ll ask you from time to time and
say what kind of pizza do you like half
you know how soon do you want it what
kind of toppings do you want they all
all of this kind of meat market research
is done in order to try and tailor the
pizza experience to your particular
preferences or tastes and in that’s also
occurs with children so if you are a toy
manufacturer you do massive amounts of
play testing with children you do
massive amounts of research to figure
out watch the children like what the
children want so that you can tailor
twice that will work for them you don’t
just sit there to the children and say
you will like and play with these toys
damn it so we when we want to interact
with people in a positive way we ask
them what they want we negotiate with
them and when the pizza parlor says what
do you want and the recipients say have
on all the pizza I could ever eat for
free while they say what we can’t do
we can’t do that it’s a negotiation
based on reality is not just a top-down
ordering but there’s mutual consultation
that’s involved
so when we understand that that
children’s needs wishes and desires are
consulted by toy manufacturers and other
people excuse me
then we can understand that
this is all possible so compared to your
experience within your family and your
experience within your school compare
that to the time manufacturer of a pizza
place or any a software vendor whoever
it is that that asks you for your
opinion about things and ties to tailor
what they offer to your particular
designers from a realistic standpoint
from a what is possible standpoint
imagine that your mom or your dad sits
down with you and and asks the following
and again this is from the up coming
book real-time relationships sits down
across with you and says listen I wanted
to get your feedback on my parenting I
wanted to know what is working for you
in my parenting and what is not working
for you what you like and what you don’t
like and once you find productive what
you find not productive what you find
useful what you find frustrating or
irritating so obviously I tell you not
to eat the third candy bar do you
generally understand even if you don’t
like it in the moment do you generally
understand later why I say that or are
you just kind of obeying orders the the
negative feedback that I give you or
even the punishments the time asses did
they work for you do they make sense or
are you just doing it because I’m
telling you to do it or or or does it
make sense to you what it is that I’m
asking you to do even if it doesn’t in
the moment like later on does it make
sense it’s there any way that I could
improve your experience of being my
child is there any way that I could
become a better parent for you and what
I mean by that is if you could imagine
the best conceivable possible parent for
you what would that look like if you
could choose any parent in the world
would you choose me or would you choose
someone else if you would choose someone
else why help me understand how I could
improve my parenting and improve your
experience of being my child
do you see that you’ve never been asked
that your parents never asked you that
do you see how we consult our customers
on toys and pizzas and software and
airline flights and all these sorts of
things we consult other adults children
and so on on their preferences in this
area but we do not consult our own
children or as children we are not
consulted by our parents on how the
family experience can be improved this
can happen with adult parents as well
your adult parents can say to you how do
you feel when I called you feel like
we’re having a good relationship is
there anything that I could do to
improve the relationship is there
anything that you want that I’m not
providing or that I am providing that
you don’t want and that kind of honest
feedback we consult people on pizza we
don’t consult people on parenting that’s
very sad and this has a lot to do with
procrastination as I’ll get to shortly
if we look at something like in your
education as well you went to school
let’s say you went to public school like
the majority of people didn’t when your
teacher did your teacher ever sit down
with you and say listen is there any way
that my teaching could be improved for
you when I teach you do you feel like
I’m just asking you to do things and you
don’t know why or does it make sense to
you am i awakening and desire and joy a
desire for enjoy of knowledge in you or
are you just kind of going through the
motions because you’ve got a you’ve got
to do it right is there any way that my
teaching that my class structure that
the topics that the approaches could it
be improved in any way shape or form to
make your learning experience more
enjoyable
[Music]
and think about that that’s what I’m
talking about when I’m talking about
that we are treated as slaves as
children because our desires our
feedback our preferences in a
foundational in a fundamental way are
never consulted a constantly rejected
and if you understand that you never had
that conversation with your parents and
that you never had that conversation
with your teacher you can understand
just how little your needs your
preferences your desires were taken into
account and when you think about it and
you really think about it that’s
astounding that’s astounding that we
would apply that kind of objective
feedback and request for information for
every conceivable service except for the
most important ones which are parenting
and education for children
so with that in mind let’s have a look
towards how this affects the question of
the issue of the problem of
procrastination when a slave master
tells a slave what to do orders a slave
to do something the slavers ends of
course just as any of any human being
resents being treated as an object being
treated as a machine being too ordered
what to do with no account of the slaves
feelings or preferences or desires and
the reason I have talked about this in
the book on universally preferable
behavior the reason of course is that
the slave master is saying my feelings
are really really important my desire to
get you to do something is really
important so feelings are really
important ah but your feelings is a
slave completely unimportant
inconsequential negative I don’t want to
hear about them I don’t want to know
them just do it dammit
feelings are very important feelings are
completely unimportant feelings are very
valuable and must be obeyed feelings are
not at all important and must be
suppressed ignored I don’t want to know
this is the contradiction that’s
involved of course in ordering people to
do stuff my preference is my wants my
desires are absolutes yours don’t exist
don’t have any value I don’t want to
know that’s the hypocrisy that’s
involved in this kind of relationship
and that’s why we feel resentment right
so when the slave master orders a slave
to do something the slave can’t say no
because he’ll be punished right the
slave can’t refuse the slave can’t
negotiate the slave can’t fight back the
slave can’t reject the order because the
slave will be punished for doing that
but that doesn’t mean that the
resentment goes away in fact that just
that makes the resentment worse actually
so what recourse what option does the
slave have when the slave is ordered to
do something to express the resentment
everything we feel we get expressed and
it gets expressed in one form or another
everything we feel all of our
experiences get expressed in one form or
another whether we like it or not that’s
why it’s so important to make these
things conscious so we have some control
over our reactions to manage them more
productively well I’ll tell you that the
slaves resentment at being ordered about
manifests itself in passive aggression
what I mean by that is if the slave
master orders the slave to do something
the slave who is not allowed to
negotiate or to respond will simply do
it badly the slave will make mistakes
the slave will postpone the slave will
act stupid the slave will break
something the slave will do it in an
unproductive way and that is how the
slaves passive aggression goes back up
against the slave owner because the
slave feel feels frustrated of being
ordered around and since that feeling is
going to manifest itself the way that
that feeling manifests itself is the
slave then makes the slave master
frustrated by doing a bad job right so
the the slave master says you know move
these rocks and so the slave moves them
afoot and the slave master comes back
and says now we’ve moved the rocks over
there right and then the slave will move
the rocks over there and then we’ll do
nothing more no initiative no
entrepreneurship no thinking no feedback
just becomes a passive empty bag of
muscle and bone that it will accept
orders but do nothing more what this
means of course is that the slave master
actually becomes a kind of slave
the slave master becomes a kind of slave
and because he’s got to order the slaves
to do every little thing and has got to
constantly check up on what the slave is
doing because the only way that the
slave one that can can express a desire
for freedom or can express his
resentment is to be inefficient the
slaves are always inefficient that’s why
it doesn’t work economic disorder people
want to do and they really express their
resentment and frustration by making you
resentful and frustrated by driving you
crazy so to translate this into a
typical teenage scenario let’s say
you’ve got a mom who just tells you to
do stuff and then gets angry when you if
and when you don’t do it and so you’re
you’re sitting there on your xbox and
playing Halo 9,000,000 or something and
your mom comes in and says hey take out
the garbage well what do you feel
master/slave ping you feel resentment of
course of course it would be mad to not
feel resentment but very unhealthy it
would mean that you’d be completely
broken so you feel resentment and what
do you do you say in a minute right and
if your mom is particularly aggressive
then you might roll your eyes yeah okay
in a minute geez take a pill they could
chill pill mom right you’re going to to
respond to her aggression and order by
putting things off by doing it badly by
making it really frustrating for her to
order you to do something right you are
going to respond to the frustration and
humiliation that you feel from this
top-down hierarchy by flipping it and
making it really frustrating and
annoying for your mom to do this so
you’re gonna say in a minute right he
gonna keep playing your game maybe you
start a new game or whatever your mom’s
gonna have to come back hey take out the
garbage yeah mom relax I’m just about to
do it right this is the game that slaves
and masters play and it’s an ugly
vicious and ending game unless you make
it conscious and and break the cycle
so this resentment this balking this
passive aggression there’s doing things
badly this delay this faint stupidity
that occurs from a slave perspective is
foundational to the problem of
procrastination
because when you live in a master/slave
relationship as we all did in schools
and almost all of us did in families
then what happens is anytime there’s a
goal you resent it right any time
because you have had your quote goals
set by other people not generated
organically and spontaneously from your
preferences or pleasures now this is not
the normal state of things at all at all
even remotely even closely I know when I
was a teenager I taught in a daycare for
a couple of years and I had a class of
like thirty five to ten year olds and I
found invariably invariably when I
treated them with respect and asked them
to do something and told them why it was
a forest volunteer hence they couldn’t
tell these children what to do they just
grudgingly do it if you force them and
then resentfully passive-aggressively do
it badly and you’d end up more
frustrated I’ll do it myself right but
when you treat children with respect and
and you ask them you know tell them why
it’s important and so on then they want
to be you know the big person like the
adult and do the right thing and help
I’ve had children my nieces when I was
very when they were very young and it
three year or she wanted to help me fold
my laundry and I took her hand to take
it to do my laundry because I didn’t
have laundry in the house she like
wanted to she got irritated if I didn’t
let her help our default position as
children is to want to help to want to
contribute to wanted
into things are just coming back from
the Miami symposium Kristina and I were
at the airport and we saw a guy hauling
off these suitcases from the carousel
and his daughter was there and she was
like four years old and she was like she
wanted to help she wanted to carry one
of these suitcases she wanted to
contribute right she got irritated when
he sort of tried to say look they’re too
heavy this and that right so I ended up
having to let her try and then oh can I
help and you notice they the children
want to help they want to contribute so
how is it that we get turned from people
with that kind of ended children from
that kind of initiative who want to help
who want to contribute who want to
participate who want to be part of the
running of the household how do we turn
from that to being these valkee
passive-aggressive don’t want to put it
off do a bad job kind of people well the
way that we end up like that is that
we’re ordered around all the time and
our needs are not consulted and we
resent being treated like you’re animals
like robots like machines like objects
and we don’t like being dominated
mistrusted and bullied and dictated to
who would who with any shred of self
esteem would want that or enjoy that so
the reason that we end up with
procrastination is that every to do
feels like an order that we want to put
off that we want to passive-aggressively
resist
so everything going to school getting an
education going to college getting a job
filling out form any anything that we
have to do that is even remotely
unpleasant
it makes us puts us back in that phase
of just being banging ordered around
which we then resent and put up in
postponed and and we evade and we
distract ourselves by playing video
games or watching movies or doing
anything other than the things which are
kind of piling up that need to be done
because we never were able to maintain
and sustain that desire to participate
into working to get things done because
we were BAM just bullied around and
ordered around when we were children now
this doesn’t just occur in the
parent-child relationship of course or
in the teacher-student relationship but
it occurs very strongly of course in
marital relations and/or a
boyfriend/girlfriend relationship we see
this kind of stuff all the time where
them has been sitting there wanting to
relax or something and the wife comes in
it could be the reverse and just going
with the stereotype other wife comes in
and says I thought I told you to do the
dishes and is aggressive or hostile and
the husband is like yeah in a sack right
and then the wife is you know feels
stymied paralyzed frustrated once the
dishes to get done doesn’t want to do
them herself because she doesn’t want to
reinforce him not doing the dishes but
at the same time she doesn’t want to
push it because it’ll end up in a fight
right so he feels attacked and
diminished so by saying in a minute and
then mocking or attacking her for if she
raises the stakes and becomes more
stress he’s simply reinfecting her with
what he feels infected by through her
diminishment of him through her attack
and through her negativity
because the moment we own somebody
else’s initiative we turn them into a
slave the moment we say hey you should
want to do this you better do that you
got to do this you got to do that then
we’re substituting our bully with the
implicit punishment that that involved
our bullying to their initiative just
turns them into a slave it means that
they will do it badly they won’t want to
do it will constantly have to remind
them we will get ever escalating
frustration with controlling other human
beings disgust it just doesn’t work it
just doesn’t work I mean let’s you got a
gun right here the government’s right so
so the husband will eventually get up Oh
fine you know and I’ll go and do the
dishes and he’ll do with loud sighs and
unpleasant noises and maybe he’ll drop a
dish or maybe he’ll just do it badly so
she’s got to come and check the dishes
to make sure that they’re clean and
she’ll hand them back to him and he’ll
write this is just doing the goddamn
dishes people and this is the kind of
fight and control and humiliation and
passive aggression and resentment that
these simple actions can generate why
because we raised a slaves because our
initial desire to participate and
contribute to the family is crushed and
snuffed out by being bullied and ordered
around without any requests or
preferences right or those false
preferences you know like would you like
to do the dishes or taking out the
garbage not that’s a whenever you order
people to do something you’re
automatically assuming that they’re lazy
and dishonest and and that they won’t
want to do it and you say well I have to
order him to do the dishes because he
won’t get up and do the dishes right
it’s like I would say that he doesn’t
want to get up and do the dishes because
he was ordered round by his parents and
now you’re ordering him around we
haven’t solved anything and does not
produce a happy and harmonious and
contented relationship so that having
been said we’ll sort of get that
master/slave thing that we end up with
procrastination tendencies towards
procrastination because we just ordered
around when we’re children and told what
to do how do we how do we break that
cycle well I’ll just spend a few minutes
on it I’m gonna make this too long I did
spend a few minutes on it and if you’re
really curious just let me know and I’ll
I’ll go into it in more detail
but there’s a great secret of course to
life which completely deflates the
tensions that we have around
procrastination which language Italian
sigh whisper to you
it’s a great secret it’s a wonderful
secret about life and when you get the
secret you will absolutely start
unraveling the whole Gordian knot of
procrastination and other difficulties
that you have within your life okay it’s
coming a little close for this one
that’s very important
the great secret the great secret of
life the way to unravel and undo
procrastination my friends is this very
simple the great secret is you don’t you
don’t got to do squat you don’t have to
do anything you don’t have to do
anything at all
you don’t have to get out of bed in the
morning you don’t have to eat you don’t
have to go to bed at night you don’t
have to wear clothing you don’t have to
shower you don’t have to get an
education you don’t have to get a job
you don’t have to do anything
I mean you’re bound by gravity that’s
not much of a choice and if you don’t do
things negative consequences may occur
but so what you don’t have to go to the
dentist maybe you’ll get gingivitis and
maybe you lose some teeth and maybe but
you don’t have to go to the dentist you
don’t have to fill out forms you don’t
have to get into driver’s license you
don’t have to do your dishes you don’t
have to pay your rent you don’t have to
go to school you don’t have to do any of
it any of it there’s no half do anywhere
in the universe of any kind not a single
shred of a must or have to anywhere you
don’t have to be nice to your wife you
don’t have to be married you don’t have
to take care of your children you don’t
have to do anything
isn’t that nice there is no master after
you leave home
there’s no I mean even with this you
don’t have to do what your parents say
it’s just that they’ll get mad that
punished you won’t want it right but you
don’t have to do anything you don’t have
to do anything I get up every morning
and I say what what do I want to do I
won’t do a video I wanna write an
article want to pick my nose and watch
soap operas want to eat bonbons but what
do I want to do I don’t have to do
anything even when I was getting up and
going to work I would wake up and say do
I want to go to work today
I don’t have to I don’t have to do it
all I don’t have to get out of bed I can
sleep until noon if I want that may be
consequences to that I’ll lose my job
but I don’t have to because the moment
that we externalise these have two’s we
set up enslavement for ourselves which
then becomes resentment and
procrastination the moment we set up the
half Jews gotta finish this education I
gotta write that exam no you don’t you
really truly seriously and genuinely
don’t you don’t there’s no half toots
there’s no Gatos there’s no compulsions
anywhere in your life you don’t have to
pay your taxes there’ll be consequences
but so what you don’t have to pay your
taxes you don’t have to eat the
consequence you’ll get hungry enough to
drink consequence you get thirsty but
you have to do anything you’re in school
you can walk out tomorrow you can go and
hitchhike to New Orleans and live as a
panhandler you can do anything that you
want anything the next five minutes the
next day the next year the next decade
the rest of your life is a completely
blank canvas and you can write in it
anything anything anything anything that
you want anything you don’t have to do
anything and once you get that then
procrastination just dries up and blows
away just dries up
and blows away not tomorrow not the
habit that takes them unraveling but
through that act of saying my future is
a blank canvas I can write anything do
anything that I want I can become a
clown I can become an astronaut I can do
nothing I can find some kind friend and
live on his couch or whatever anything
you don’t have to do anything once you
recognize that life is a blank canvas
and you can write whatever you want into
the next five minutes five years or five
years or 50 years once you get and
understand that then there’s nothing to
put off because everything that you do
then becomes your choice your preference
I go to the dentist because I don’t want
to youth problems it’s my choice
nobody’s saying go to the dentist or
else or I’ll punish you
no it’s my choice it’s my choice once
things become your choice once you
really can and re own your capacity to
choose based on your own preferences
without have to s coming clouding in
from everywhere else once you get that
process underway there’s nothing to put
off because you’re actually choosing
things you’re actually making those
decisions you’re not just letting other
people’s expectations and desires and
once and anxieties bully you into X Y &
Z which then the moment that you force
yourself to do something you immediately
generate the slave resentment
immediately and irrevocably it’s
unstoppable the moment you force
yourself to do something the moment you
make yourself gotta do something because
because because the moment you’ve got to
do something boom slave resentment
procrastination annoyance frustration
self-castigation self abuse inevitable
can’t be stopped can throw yourself off
a cliff you can’t avoid gravity you can
choose to bully yourself to do things or
to internalize other people’s and
expectations but you just get slave
resentment immediately irrevocably can’t
be stopped that is the inevitable course
and effect relationship
so if you want to deal with the problem
of procrastination first of all you need
to recognize that it’s not natural it’s
not natural to procrastinate it is an
artificial scar tissue that results from
being controlled and bullied when you
were a child in in school in church at
home in your extended family from not
being consulted from not being treated
with respect it’s it’s a sad sad
situation that results from this kind of
control and bullying so if you
understand the procrastination is a
slave passive-aggressive response to
being ordered around and you’re an adult
then it’s very simple
since procrastination is a slave
response if you want to stop
procrastinating stop being a slave and
if you want to stop being a slave that
means stop ordering yourself around and
recognize there’s nothing you have to do
anything that you do is your choice
there’s no order there’s no one ordering
you around there’s nothing you have to
do make your own choices when you own
and make your own choices based on what
you actually want
and then you are free and you don’t have
to postpone anything because what you’re
choosing is your life and your
preference and we don’t postpone
pleasure we may defer it for a short
time for the sake of greater pleasure
later on like going to the dentist but
you won’t procrastinate because you are
loving what you are doing you are living
in your preferences your desires not
taking orders from other people from the
past from history from ghosts from
ancestors or family from parents from
schools from governments from churches
from popes at your choices your choices
and when you own your choices you won’t
procrastinate because it’s your life and
we don’t put off that which is
pleasurable to us which we live richly
in the moment
[Music]
you
[Music]
procrastination or we have tendencies
towards procrastination because as
children we are treated as slaves
because it’s children we are treated as
slaves and let me explain sort of what I
mean by that and we’ll see if we can’t
make a little bit of sense out of it and
when we’re children we are simply told
what to do
we are ordered around we are managed we
are ordered to to perform certain chores
to obey to sit still to do our homework
that we just ordered what to do and
we’re not consulted in any way shape or
form and we get little sort of
inconsequential consults like would you
like hot dogs or hamburgers for dinner
but our preferences are fine
foundational fundamental preferences are
not consulted when we’re children so so
when I say that our preferences or our
feelings were not consulted when we were
children what I mean is that your local
pizza parlor will sort of ask you from
time to time if you’ve ever been part of
one of these surveys you know what I
mean I’ll ask you from time to time and
say what kind of pizza do you like half
you know how soon do you want it what
kind of toppings do you want they all
all of this kind of meat market research
is done in order to try and tailor the
pizza experience to your particular
preferences or tastes and in that’s also
occurs with children so if you are a toy
manufacturer you do massive amounts of
play testing with children you do
massive amounts of research to figure
out watch the children like what the
children want so that you can tailor
twice that will work for them you don’t
just sit there to the children and say
you will like and play with these toys
damn it so we when we want to interact
with people in a positive way we ask
them what they want we negotiate with
them and when the pizza parlor says what
do you want and the recipients say have
on all the pizza I could ever eat for
free while they say what we can’t do
we can’t do that it’s a negotiation
based on reality is not just a top-down
ordering but there’s mutual consultation
that’s involved
so when we understand that that
children’s needs wishes and desires are
consulted by toy manufacturers and other
people excuse me
then we can understand that
this is all possible so compared to your
experience within your family and your
experience within your school compare
that to the time manufacturer of a pizza
place or any a software vendor whoever
it is that that asks you for your
opinion about things and ties to tailor
what they offer to your particular
designers from a realistic standpoint
from a what is possible standpoint
imagine that your mom or your dad sits
down with you and and asks the following
and again this is from the up coming
book real-time relationships sits down
across with you and says listen I wanted
to get your feedback on my parenting I
wanted to know what is working for you
in my parenting and what is not working
for you what you like and what you don’t
like and once you find productive what
you find not productive what you find
useful what you find frustrating or
irritating so obviously I tell you not
to eat the third candy bar do you
generally understand even if you don’t
like it in the moment do you generally
understand later why I say that or are
you just kind of obeying orders the the
negative feedback that I give you or
even the punishments the time asses did
they work for you do they make sense or
are you just doing it because I’m
telling you to do it or or or does it
make sense to you what it is that I’m
asking you to do even if it doesn’t in
the moment like later on does it make
sense it’s there any way that I could
improve your experience of being my
child is there any way that I could
become a better parent for you and what
I mean by that is if you could imagine
the best conceivable possible parent for
you what would that look like if you
could choose any parent in the world
would you choose me or would you choose
someone else if you would choose someone
else why help me understand how I could
improve my parenting and improve your
experience of being my child
do you see that you’ve never been asked
that your parents never asked you that
do you see how we consult our customers
on toys and pizzas and software and
airline flights and all these sorts of
things we consult other adults children
and so on on their preferences in this
area but we do not consult our own
children or as children we are not
consulted by our parents on how the
family experience can be improved this
can happen with adult parents as well
your adult parents can say to you how do
you feel when I called you feel like
we’re having a good relationship is
there anything that I could do to
improve the relationship is there
anything that you want that I’m not
providing or that I am providing that
you don’t want and that kind of honest
feedback we consult people on pizza we
don’t consult people on parenting that’s
very sad and this has a lot to do with
procrastination as I’ll get to shortly
if we look at something like in your
education as well you went to school
let’s say you went to public school like
the majority of people didn’t when your
teacher did your teacher ever sit down
with you and say listen is there any way
that my teaching could be improved for
you when I teach you do you feel like
I’m just asking you to do things and you
don’t know why or does it make sense to
you am i awakening and desire and joy a
desire for enjoy of knowledge in you or
are you just kind of going through the
motions because you’ve got a you’ve got
to do it right is there any way that my
teaching that my class structure that
the topics that the approaches could it
be improved in any way shape or form to
make your learning experience more
enjoyable
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and think about that that’s what I’m
talking about when I’m talking about
that we are treated as slaves as
children because our desires our
feedback our preferences in a
foundational in a fundamental way are
never consulted a constantly rejected
and if you understand that you never had
that conversation with your parents and
that you never had that conversation
with your teacher you can understand
just how little your needs your
preferences your desires were taken into
account and when you think about it and
you really think about it that’s
astounding that’s astounding that we
would apply that kind of objective
feedback and request for information for
every conceivable service except for the
most important ones which are parenting
and education for children
so with that in mind let’s have a look
towards how this affects the question of
the issue of the problem of
procrastination when a slave master
tells a slave what to do orders a slave
to do something the slavers ends of
course just as any of any human being
resents being treated as an object being
treated as a machine being too ordered
what to do with no account of the slaves
feelings or preferences or desires and
the reason I have talked about this in
the book on universally preferable
behavior the reason of course is that
the slave master is saying my feelings
are really really important my desire to
get you to do something is really
important so feelings are really
important ah but your feelings is a
slave completely unimportant
inconsequential negative I don’t want to
hear about them I don’t want to know
them just do it dammit
feelings are very important feelings are
completely unimportant feelings are very
valuable and must be obeyed feelings are
not at all important and must be
suppressed ignored I don’t want to know
this is the contradiction that’s
involved of course in ordering people to
do stuff my preference is my wants my
desires are absolutes yours don’t exist
don’t have any value I don’t want to
know that’s the hypocrisy that’s
involved in this kind of relationship
and that’s why we feel resentment right
so when the slave master orders a slave
to do something the slave can’t say no
because he’ll be punished right the
slave can’t refuse the slave can’t
negotiate the slave can’t fight back the
slave can’t reject the order because the
slave will be punished for doing that
but that doesn’t mean that the
resentment goes away in fact that just
that makes the resentment worse actually
so what recourse what option does the
slave have when the slave is ordered to
do something to express the resentment
everything we feel we get expressed and
it gets expressed in one form or another
everything we feel all of our
experiences get expressed in one form or
another whether we like it or not that’s
why it’s so important to make these
things conscious so we have some control
over our reactions to manage them more
productively well I’ll tell you that the
slaves resentment at being ordered about
manifests itself in passive aggression
what I mean by that is if the slave
master orders the slave to do something
the slave who is not allowed to
negotiate or to respond will simply do
it badly the slave will make mistakes
the slave will postpone the slave will
act stupid the slave will break
something the slave will do it in an
unproductive way and that is how the
slaves passive aggression goes back up
against the slave owner because the
slave feel feels frustrated of being
ordered around and since that feeling is
going to manifest itself the way that
that feeling manifests itself is the
slave then makes the slave master
frustrated by doing a bad job right so
the the slave master says you know move
these rocks and so the slave moves them
afoot and the slave master comes back
and says now we’ve moved the rocks over
there right and then the slave will move
the rocks over there and then we’ll do
nothing more no initiative no
entrepreneurship no thinking no feedback
just becomes a passive empty bag of
muscle and bone that it will accept
orders but do nothing more what this
means of course is that the slave master
actually becomes a kind of slave
the slave master becomes a kind of slave
and because he’s got to order the slaves
to do every little thing and has got to
constantly check up on what the slave is
doing because the only way that the
slave one that can can express a desire
for freedom or can express his
resentment is to be inefficient the
slaves are always inefficient that’s why
it doesn’t work economic disorder people
want to do and they really express their
resentment and frustration by making you
resentful and frustrated by driving you
crazy so to translate this into a
typical teenage scenario let’s say
you’ve got a mom who just tells you to
do stuff and then gets angry when you if
and when you don’t do it and so you’re
you’re sitting there on your xbox and
playing Halo 9,000,000 or something and
your mom comes in and says hey take out
the garbage well what do you feel
master/slave ping you feel resentment of
course of course it would be mad to not
feel resentment but very unhealthy it
would mean that you’d be completely
broken so you feel resentment and what
do you do you say in a minute right and
if your mom is particularly aggressive
then you might roll your eyes yeah okay
in a minute geez take a pill they could
chill pill mom right you’re going to to
respond to her aggression and order by
putting things off by doing it badly by
making it really frustrating for her to
order you to do something right you are
going to respond to the frustration and
humiliation that you feel from this
top-down hierarchy by flipping it and
making it really frustrating and
annoying for your mom to do this so
you’re gonna say in a minute right he
gonna keep playing your game maybe you
start a new game or whatever your mom’s
gonna have to come back hey take out the
garbage yeah mom relax I’m just about to
do it right this is the game that slaves
and masters play and it’s an ugly
vicious and ending game unless you make
it conscious and and break the cycle
so this resentment this balking this
passive aggression there’s doing things
badly this delay this faint stupidity
that occurs from a slave perspective is
foundational to the problem of
procrastination
because when you live in a master/slave
relationship as we all did in schools
and almost all of us did in families
then what happens is anytime there’s a
goal you resent it right any time
because you have had your quote goals
set by other people not generated
organically and spontaneously from your
preferences or pleasures now this is not
the normal state of things at all at all
even remotely even closely I know when I
was a teenager I taught in a daycare for
a couple of years and I had a class of
like thirty five to ten year olds and I
found invariably invariably when I
treated them with respect and asked them
to do something and told them why it was
a forest volunteer hence they couldn’t
tell these children what to do they just
grudgingly do it if you force them and
then resentfully passive-aggressively do
it badly and you’d end up more
frustrated I’ll do it myself right but
when you treat children with respect and
and you ask them you know tell them why
it’s important and so on then they want
to be you know the big person like the
adult and do the right thing and help
I’ve had children my nieces when I was
very when they were very young and it
three year or she wanted to help me fold
my laundry and I took her hand to take
it to do my laundry because I didn’t
have laundry in the house she like
wanted to she got irritated if I didn’t
let her help our default position as
children is to want to help to want to
contribute to wanted
into things are just coming back from
the Miami symposium Kristina and I were
at the airport and we saw a guy hauling
off these suitcases from the carousel
and his daughter was there and she was
like four years old and she was like she
wanted to help she wanted to carry one
of these suitcases she wanted to
contribute right she got irritated when
he sort of tried to say look they’re too
heavy this and that right so I ended up
having to let her try and then oh can I
help and you notice they the children
want to help they want to contribute so
how is it that we get turned from people
with that kind of ended children from
that kind of initiative who want to help
who want to contribute who want to
participate who want to be part of the
running of the household how do we turn
from that to being these valkee
passive-aggressive don’t want to put it
off do a bad job kind of people well the
way that we end up like that is that
we’re ordered around all the time and
our needs are not consulted and we
resent being treated like you’re animals
like robots like machines like objects
and we don’t like being dominated
mistrusted and bullied and dictated to
who would who with any shred of self
esteem would want that or enjoy that so
the reason that we end up with
procrastination is that every to do
feels like an order that we want to put
off that we want to passive-aggressively
resist
so everything going to school getting an
education going to college getting a job
filling out form any anything that we
have to do that is even remotely
unpleasant
it makes us puts us back in that phase
of just being banging ordered around
which we then resent and put up in
postponed and and we evade and we
distract ourselves by playing video
games or watching movies or doing
anything other than the things which are
kind of piling up that need to be done
because we never were able to maintain
and sustain that desire to participate
into working to get things done because
we were BAM just bullied around and
ordered around when we were children now
this doesn’t just occur in the
parent-child relationship of course or
in the teacher-student relationship but
it occurs very strongly of course in
marital relations and/or a
boyfriend/girlfriend relationship we see
this kind of stuff all the time where
them has been sitting there wanting to
relax or something and the wife comes in
it could be the reverse and just going
with the stereotype other wife comes in
and says I thought I told you to do the
dishes and is aggressive or hostile and
the husband is like yeah in a sack right
and then the wife is you know feels
stymied paralyzed frustrated once the
dishes to get done doesn’t want to do
them herself because she doesn’t want to
reinforce him not doing the dishes but
at the same time she doesn’t want to
push it because it’ll end up in a fight
right so he feels attacked and
diminished so by saying in a minute and
then mocking or attacking her for if she
raises the stakes and becomes more
stress he’s simply reinfecting her with
what he feels infected by through her
diminishment of him through her attack
and through her negativity
because the moment we own somebody
else’s initiative we turn them into a
slave the moment we say hey you should
want to do this you better do that you
got to do this you got to do that then
we’re substituting our bully with the
implicit punishment that that involved
our bullying to their initiative just
turns them into a slave it means that
they will do it badly they won’t want to
do it will constantly have to remind
them we will get ever escalating
frustration with controlling other human
beings disgust it just doesn’t work it
just doesn’t work I mean let’s you got a
gun right here the government’s right so
so the husband will eventually get up Oh
fine you know and I’ll go and do the
dishes and he’ll do with loud sighs and
unpleasant noises and maybe he’ll drop a
dish or maybe he’ll just do it badly so
she’s got to come and check the dishes
to make sure that they’re clean and
she’ll hand them back to him and he’ll
write this is just doing the goddamn
dishes people and this is the kind of
fight and control and humiliation and
passive aggression and resentment that
these simple actions can generate why
because we raised a slaves because our
initial desire to participate and
contribute to the family is crushed and
snuffed out by being bullied and ordered
around without any requests or
preferences right or those false
preferences you know like would you like
to do the dishes or taking out the
garbage not that’s a whenever you order
people to do something you’re
automatically assuming that they’re lazy
and dishonest and and that they won’t
want to do it and you say well I have to
order him to do the dishes because he
won’t get up and do the dishes right
it’s like I would say that he doesn’t
want to get up and do the dishes because
he was ordered round by his parents and
now you’re ordering him around we
haven’t solved anything and does not
produce a happy and harmonious and
contented relationship so that having
been said we’ll sort of get that
master/slave thing that we end up with
procrastination tendencies towards
procrastination because we just ordered
around when we’re children and told what
to do how do we how do we break that
cycle well I’ll just spend a few minutes
on it I’m gonna make this too long I did
spend a few minutes on it and if you’re
really curious just let me know and I’ll
I’ll go into it in more detail
but there’s a great secret of course to
life which completely deflates the
tensions that we have around
procrastination which language Italian
sigh whisper to you
it’s a great secret it’s a wonderful
secret about life and when you get the
secret you will absolutely start
unraveling the whole Gordian knot of
procrastination and other difficulties
that you have within your life okay it’s
coming a little close for this one
that’s very important
the great secret the great secret of
life the way to unravel and undo
procrastination my friends is this very
simple the great secret is you don’t you
don’t got to do squat you don’t have to
do anything you don’t have to do
anything at all
you don’t have to get out of bed in the
morning you don’t have to eat you don’t
have to go to bed at night you don’t
have to wear clothing you don’t have to
shower you don’t have to get an
education you don’t have to get a job
you don’t have to do anything
I mean you’re bound by gravity that’s
not much of a choice and if you don’t do
things negative consequences may occur
but so what you don’t have to go to the
dentist maybe you’ll get gingivitis and
maybe you lose some teeth and maybe but
you don’t have to go to the dentist you
don’t have to fill out forms you don’t
have to get into driver’s license you
don’t have to do your dishes you don’t
have to pay your rent you don’t have to
go to school you don’t have to do any of
it any of it there’s no half do anywhere
in the universe of any kind not a single
shred of a must or have to anywhere you
don’t have to be nice to your wife you
don’t have to be married you don’t have
to take care of your children you don’t
have to do anything
isn’t that nice there is no master after
you leave home
there’s no I mean even with this you
don’t have to do what your parents say
it’s just that they’ll get mad that
punished you won’t want it right but you
don’t have to do anything you don’t have
to do anything I get up every morning
and I say what what do I want to do I
won’t do a video I wanna write an
article want to pick my nose and watch
soap operas want to eat bonbons but what
do I want to do I don’t have to do
anything even when I was getting up and
going to work I would wake up and say do
I want to go to work today
I don’t have to I don’t have to do it
all I don’t have to get out of bed I can
sleep until noon if I want that may be
consequences to that I’ll lose my job
but I don’t have to because the moment
that we externalise these have two’s we
set up enslavement for ourselves which
then becomes resentment and
procrastination the moment we set up the
half Jews gotta finish this education I
gotta write that exam no you don’t you
really truly seriously and genuinely
don’t you don’t there’s no half toots
there’s no Gatos there’s no compulsions
anywhere in your life you don’t have to
pay your taxes there’ll be consequences
but so what you don’t have to pay your
taxes you don’t have to eat the
consequence you’ll get hungry enough to
drink consequence you get thirsty but
you have to do anything you’re in school
you can walk out tomorrow you can go and
hitchhike to New Orleans and live as a
panhandler you can do anything that you
want anything the next five minutes the
next day the next year the next decade
the rest of your life is a completely
blank canvas and you can write in it
anything anything anything anything that
you want anything you don’t have to do
anything and once you get that then
procrastination just dries up and blows
away just dries up
and blows away not tomorrow not the
habit that takes them unraveling but
through that act of saying my future is
a blank canvas I can write anything do
anything that I want I can become a
clown I can become an astronaut I can do
nothing I can find some kind friend and
live on his couch or whatever anything
you don’t have to do anything once you
recognize that life is a blank canvas
and you can write whatever you want into
the next five minutes five years or five
years or 50 years once you get and
understand that then there’s nothing to
put off because everything that you do
then becomes your choice your preference
I go to the dentist because I don’t want
to youth problems it’s my choice
nobody’s saying go to the dentist or
else or I’ll punish you
no it’s my choice it’s my choice once
things become your choice once you
really can and re own your capacity to
choose based on your own preferences
without have to s coming clouding in
from everywhere else once you get that
process underway there’s nothing to put
off because you’re actually choosing
things you’re actually making those
decisions you’re not just letting other
people’s expectations and desires and
once and anxieties bully you into X Y &
Z which then the moment that you force
yourself to do something you immediately
generate the slave resentment
immediately and irrevocably it’s
unstoppable the moment you force
yourself to do something the moment you
make yourself gotta do something because
because because the moment you’ve got to
do something boom slave resentment
procrastination annoyance frustration
self-castigation self abuse inevitable
can’t be stopped can throw yourself off
a cliff you can’t avoid gravity you can
choose to bully yourself to do things or
to internalize other people’s and
expectations but you just get slave
resentment immediately irrevocably can’t
be stopped that is the inevitable course
and effect relationship
so if you want to deal with the problem
of procrastination first of all you need
to recognize that it’s not natural it’s
not natural to procrastinate it is an
artificial scar tissue that results from
being controlled and bullied when you
were a child in in school in church at
home in your extended family from not
being consulted from not being treated
with respect it’s it’s a sad sad
situation that results from this kind of
control and bullying so if you
understand the procrastination is a
slave passive-aggressive response to
being ordered around and you’re an adult
then it’s very simple
since procrastination is a slave
response if you want to stop
procrastinating stop being a slave and
if you want to stop being a slave that
means stop ordering yourself around and
recognize there’s nothing you have to do
anything that you do is your choice
there’s no order there’s no one ordering
you around there’s nothing you have to
do make your own choices when you own
and make your own choices based on what
you actually want
and then you are free and you don’t have
to postpone anything because what you’re
choosing is your life and your
preference and we don’t postpone
pleasure we may defer it for a short
time for the sake of greater pleasure
later on like going to the dentist but
you won’t procrastinate because you are
loving what you are doing you are living
in your preferences your desires not
taking orders from other people from the
past from history from ghosts from
ancestors or family from parents from
schools from governments from churches
from popes at your choices your choices
and when you own your choices you won’t
procrastinate because it’s your life and
we don’t put off that which is
pleasurable to us which we live richly
in the moment
[Music]
you
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