I created the mentor me series to hang
around famous and successful
entrepreneurs a little bit more and soak
up some of their energy wisdom and ideas
so today we’re going to learn from Tony
Robbins on relationships one of things
that we found is we meet couples and
very often people say you guys seem like
you know you’re newlyweds or they’ll ask
us did you guys just get married which
we’re really proud of up to 12 years but
it’s not a matter of time that makes
that difference if you’re single one of
the reasons that people find themself in
a relationship that they’re unhappy with
is they’re filtering today’s
relationship through the past and one of
the things that we’ve done for anybody
we’re going to help is get you to clear
the decks of the paths and step into who
you’re with right here and right now
that can start to create a difference
because in the beginning of a
relationship what do you look what are
you willing to do for that person
anything right anything whatever it
takes now after a few months or a few
weeks or a few years all of a sudden
you’re saying you know would you take
out the trash in the beginning you’re
like whatever you want the trash I’m
happy to do it for you now it’s like you
know what I look like your janitor so
learning how to be able to create that
aliveness again and not filter your
partner through an old story is one of
the most important things you can do to
have a passionate relationship I found
in my life for years I had a
relationship with some was a great lady
and we had tons of love but very little
passion and I wanted more passion but I
didn’t understand what the triggers were
I didn’t understand the differences in
values and rules I didn’t know how to
shift anything nobody teach you this and
so I’d be in this experience where it’s
like wow you know I remember being on
stage vividly in a room that would have
been my my ultimate years before it was
the Continental Center in New York City
there were 13,000 people in the room
12,000 something hundred almost 13,000
people and I was doing my gig and we
were rocking like what we’re doing here
with five thousand thousand thirteen
thousand and we were going full-tilt
with a level of intensity was
unbelievable people are out of their
mind and during one of the stretch
breaks one of my partners came up and
told me my company had gone public that
morning and that’s the morning where my
stock Alone’s worth 40 billion dollars
so Sony you just made four hundred
million dollars this morning while
you’re doing what you love I was like
good morning
great morning you know was interesting
it was really great it was like wow
that’s wonderful and then what I really
want to do is get right back into what I
loved it didn’t like it was a cool thing
but it wasn’t didn’t change my life but
the biggest thing is the end of it at
night I’m connecting people high-five
and sign and hugging people and it’s
just a beautiful day and I get home and
I’d made for two million dollars I’ve
been with almost 13,000 people I’d done
what I loved I was on fire alive and I
went home and I was miserable because
when he went home the person I was with
wanted me be same thing different than
what I was kind of like that’s why I
understood Sarah may Sarah may was
trying to be something she thinks people
want or people are expecting from her
but it’s not her so the person I was a
relationship with when she met me is
like Scotty he’s unbelievably this
powerful force of nature he can shake a
building with people and move people and
then it was like why are you so proud I
was like wow this is me right and so
what I learned to do was be something
different that I really wasn’t
and so when you’re being something
you’re not you’re miserable who knows
what I’m talking about here say I and
I’m such a lover I love people I never
want somebody not be happy so I would
always sacrifice everything try to make
somebody happy but by not being who I
was there was nothing wrong with her I
was just miserable cuz I didn’t
understand the game when I finally
figured this process out and by the way
guess how I did it I interviewed people
I had a couple that was guy was 92
woman’s 89 kina my date with destiny
seminar and these two were physically
all over each other all the time I mean
so much it was like get a room I mean
this is hard to watch right and
everybody whole seminar notice it so I
finally bottomed on stage and interview
them
I ship their young punks in their 60s so
I bring this the eight year old man is
89 year old woman up I said I gotta
interview you guys so I’m interviewing
my set to my so tell me something I said
you two seem to not just love each other
you like love each other and they were
oh yeah I mean like you’re rather
physical aren’t you they said oh yes we
love every we love to be together I said
and you guys have intimate relations oh
yes every day every day
sometimes several times a day the woman
says no exaggeration and they were so
adorable and they were like all of each
other how to get to grab each other
touch each other I said to him I said
okay there are a lot of people that
think when you’re together 3 4 or 5 10
years you know there’s nothing new they
said nothing new they just aren’t being
in flexible enough they’re not trying
new things I said well tell me something
what’s your belief about like how do you
stay intimate shit the woman says when
you can’t just talk you got a touch and
she said like touch lots of things and
she’s so adorable and so I said so you
guys have this passionate I’m Jana so
what’s your belief and he said well we
believe that it’s never boring because
we believe there’s nothing ugly between
two people love each other nothing dirty
between two people love each other she
said yeah here’s our rule we try
anything once
and if we like it we do it again so I
spent five years interviewing people
who’ve been together 20 30 40 50 years
and they don’t just have love their
passion they’re not hanging out they
love each other and it changed the game
for me and the biggest change in my life
I would give up everything in my life
without a no exaggeration no hyperbole
everything I’ve ever learned if they
never have done for the relationship I
have with my sage she has been the great
I died for this woman no exaggeration
but I couldn’t have gotten to that place
if I hadn’t been through all those other
places first and the gift that I’ve got
in that area is a gift you deserve and
anybody can have it you could be with
somebody together for 10 years and you
could
night it cuz she just to know the
triggers or some of you may find that
you’re in a relationship where
truthfully you are nothing in common
you’re just scared shitless to end it
because you’re afraid of being alone but
there’s a way to do this in a way where
things can be ah elegant but you can be
free and you can bring to your life what
you deserve
I tell people one thing if you’re not
happy in your intimate relationship
you’re not stabbing because I don’t give
it how hard you work I don’t care how
much money you make any troubles you get
in the end if you don’t have that
aliveness and passion a part of you is
dead inside it’s one thing your
strategies to know how to fix things but
oftentimes you don’t apply what you know
because you got a story about your
relationship a story about your part but
they don’t really care you know you got
frustrations or pains or disappointments
that got interpreted in the past and now
you’re generalizing about your partner
whenever we generalize about anybody we
do them a disservice in ourselves as
well so maybe this week during
Valentine’s week it’s maybe discover
what are the empowering stories about
your relationship if you ask a couple
how did you meet they talk about it with
such passion excitement you know the
relationships still alive if they go
yeah we met you know this is what
happened and we bumped into each other
there’s no energy for it even the story
of how you met affects you so probably
this week Mike you might want to take a
look at the stories that you tell about
your partner to yourself to your friends
to your partner
because we start to believe our stories
and I always tell people want to change
your life change your story divorce the
story of how your partner is not enough
or you’ll never find the partner you
want if you’re single or the good ones
are gone whatever stopping you from
getting what you want in a relationship
there’s a story about it you can uncover
it you can get rid of it divorce your
story and marry the truth the truth is
always something empower you much more
and that truth of that magnification
remembering it’s like one of the gifts
that we give each other especially
actually at a time like this like
Valentine’s week is actually reliving
those moments you know reliving the
magic and appreciate
the magic and it’s just I don’t know it
infuses into your life rather than
looking and letting those stacking stack
up for you become frustrations and the
story knowing that this man I was born
to love this man story and God gifted me
for all that a good done with millions
of people the good I’ve done this has
been the gift of my life I got into that
I believe that’s my positive karma
that’s the core story I believe about
this woman and that produces on a love
and a commitment and a devotion to each
other that gets through any of the other
BS that shows up when you get caught up
in the daily stresses of things so
rewrite your story what is your love
affair and who are you for the one that
you love and if you’re single it’s time
to rewrite the story of who you are and
the one that you’re going to track
because whenever we focus on wherever we
all know whatever energy go wherever
focus goes energy flows so your story
controls the energy of your life if you
think all the good ones are gone its
self-fulfilling you know if you’re
overweight and hard losing weight the
strategies are there but you’re not
doing it cuz you go I’ve tried
everything you haven’t tried everything
not all the good ones are gone and your
partner who’s right with you if there
was ever a passion that passion can be
brought back to life with the right
strategies but first you got about the
story that says again what really is
important though is if you consistently
feel like there’s a loss of attraction
in the relationship it changes your
filter on each other’s behaviors and it
goes to the second stressor now all of a
sudden with a loss of attraction there’s
an increase in irritation there’s a
mutation yeah people start to get very
often where they get emotionally stacked
like little things start to bug them in
a worst case they get to stonewalling so
we’ll give you an example there’s four
R’s that we talk about that actually
this came out of a couple of our friends
or both relationship experts who got
divorced but they learned from that
experience and I both were trying to
figure out what destroyed the
relationship and they’re sharing onus
and I said well the first thing is
there’s that initial resistance you know
where somebody says something or
somebody does something your partner
does it you’re like oh you know wish
they wouldn’t do that but you don’t say
anything you know you know it’s not
to say anything about that big a deal
but if you don’t deal the resistance
level and you don’t always call it
speaking in spoken if you don’t speak
the unspoken and you don’t speak that
resistance then that resistance becomes
the next and it becomes a little bit
deeper which is the resentment and all
of these unspoken zin the anchors and
the stacking z’ they all go deeper yeah
and what happens when it starts to
become a resentment the way you kind of
know that is you start going why does he
or whether she always have to tell that
story or you know why is he always late
or she always later why do we have to go
through this but you still don’t
necessarily say much of that and you
feel anymore sometimes you just wake up
in the morning feel a charge and you
don’t even know where it came from
that’s just that built up what it was
resistance is that you didn’t do well no
by the way the resistance is may have
just been your stuff but the fact that
you didn’t come and say gosh honey I and
those my stuff but I was gonna react
this thing it’s not you but I just want
to tell you I got a shift this or would
you help me with this if you just talk
about it’s different but I don’t that
resistance turns in a resentment if that
resentment isn’t dealt with it starts to
show up as rejection that’s when
somebody starts going why do you always
do that or they you know when you
overreact to somebody you’re not
reacting to this moment you’re reacting
the fact that happened again in your
mind and so people by the way when you
start rejecting them or being really
overly harsh they don’t know why you’re
doing this and so then they feel really
wounded they tend to then reject you
back and it spirals it is very easy 8
that happens or the rejection of general
I’m out of here and you know Pete in
that space there’s words that are spoken
that it’s just there’s that emotional
charge now we’re getting in deeper in
you’re getting a level with a level of
charge and honestly toxicity in the
relationship that you don’t want and we
so stay in our relationship just with
these once again it’s the awareness and
once you have this awareness you can see
where you are it’s like to know and feel
and resistance right now that you can
speak that unspoken and you don’t get to
level 3 and for my girls not difficulty
expressing her resistance
but the great thing seriously is we both
tease we have diesel play fights where
she’ll sing it on here during the mill
okay right now or I’ll do the same thing
with her but we do it not from a harsh
exactly yeah and then it gets the energy
out and then you don’t build it up so
there is a fourth level but we’re out of
time
so we’ll see you tomorrow seriously
finished there is when you get to a
place where now you’re oppressing in
other words resistance grew to
resentment resentment got yourself to a
point of rejection where you’re kind of
being harsh with each other some people
get targetting harsh with each other and
they just surrender they’re just numb
that’s right they go into what we call
learned helplessness where it’s just
like not gonna get any better so it is
and those times very often when other
couples meet them they’ll say oh those
guys are best friends great you’re
neutral I can never be never fight
that’s the first thing they never the
fact they never bites a little clue
right benign because what they do is
they lower their expectation for the
relationship and they start filling up
through their work or through their kids
or through shopping after something else
and what happens that relationship is
it’s really dead um or maybe it’s a
decent friendship but you’ll be friends
with anybody again you can’t be intimate
with anybody so we’re this our whole
thing is about love and passion not
settling for one or the other I’ve taken
it up a notch and so breaking the
pattern these four R’s is really
critical if you want to change a
relationship the number one thing you
have to do is master your own emotions
if you don’t do that forget it
there’s no hope and what’s wonderful
though is it’s easy to do if you know
how but none of us have been taught
really emotional leadership emotional
management is a very minimum much less
how to direct and shape ourselves I
don’t mean faking your emotions and I
mean pushing them down I don’t believe
in positive thinking although you may
think that from watching you know some
of the media coverage I’m not into
positive thinking I’m not here tonight
to tell you to go to your garden and say
there’s no weeds there’s no leads
there’s no leads there’s no leads
now I’m very clear that I believe that
life is about leadership and being
truthful to yourself and so I believe
number one that the mandate for any
great relationship a mandate for anybody
to lead their own life and not be a
followers you got to see things as they
are but not worse than they are because
that’s where most people go that’s where
they go on relationship that’s why they
start to tear it down that’s why the
relationship starts to break down
because people get scared when isn’t
working out and then they make it worse
than it is so they don’t have to try
because they don’t want to try again and
be disappointed they don’t want to feel
that sense of rejection they don’t want
to feel that sense of failure so most
people make it much worse than it is
people tell me all the time oh I’m
skeptical or I’m pessimistic I said no
no you’re gutless
it takes no guts it takes no courage to
be a pessimist to say it’s not going to
work to try to find out what’s wrong
what’s wrong is always available so
what’s right so I’m not into positive
thinking but I am into intelligence and
intelligence says see it as it is don’t
make it worse than it is
maybe you’ve all time say um my problem
is I’m big bone no you’re freaking fat
tell the truth you know what is this big
bone story you know the only way it gets
better is if you can see out it is don’t
make it worse than it is don’t try make
it so it’s impossible to change that’s
not true not true at all the second
mandate I think to changing anything in
your life to believe in your life is
once you see it as it is not worse it is
then you got to see it better than it it
because that’s the thing it’s missing
for most relationships there’s no vision
I mean without a vision in a bible it
says people what parish and what a
relationship has no vision for greater
than where they are that relationship is
going downhill if not destroyed
I believe that every relationship every
part of life every part of a human being
needs a compelling future if the future
is not more compelling than today today
could be tough one of the future is
compelling we can get there and that’s
what every leader does and every one of
you in this room and I know some of you
are here I guess from the general public
as well just for your own relationships
I really acknowledge you for but I know
that you’re from the military here and
all the therapist here people from all
walks of life you’re all leaders what’s
your job to lead your job is to help
people see it as it is not worse than it
is what’s your job help them create a
compelling future see it better than it
is so there’s a reason
give my all again otherwise there’s just
no juice there’s no energy why they’ll
go through the motions complain with
each other not really believe it’s going
to work and nothing will change and then
finally the third step that we’ve all
got to do if we’re going to change our
life or anybody else’s is make it the
way we see it and that’s where strategy
comes in I try to take things that are
complex and make them as simple as
possible I’ve noticed most people it’s
like logic where I’ll try to make it as
complex as humanly possible because it
makes us feel so sophisticated we can
talk with all these complex words and
elements and so forth we can really you
know we got our degrees I mean we’re
somebody but you know what that doesn’t
help anybody so I look for a nickle word
to get to the cart of something I’m
trying to take something complex to make
it simple so that people really will
apply it the most important part of
relationship is the state direct we
always call it the State of the Union
uh-huh you know what’s the State of the
Union if two people independent each
other are in peak States about things in
their business their life their career
and they meet together it’s a great
relationship if they’re both in kind of
a soso state eventually relationships
are so if they’re both in a crappy state
reason it’s a crappy relationship what
people want is when we need somebody we
could attract to them because they
change our state that changed the way we
feel we get excited want to be with them
are you being are you putting yourself
in a state when you’re with the partner
of your life or the person you want to
attract are you really in the state that
would want them make them want to be
with you like they would be in the
beginning you know most people are
noticing what the other person isn’t
doing but the most important thing is
you’re going to interpret your partner
and really negative ways when you’re in
a lousy state giver been mad at somebody
about something and you found out later
on you were wrong with just the state
you’re in so we have so many tools for
changing state and we work at it
wicked tuna I’m giggling about this one
because Dave my husband always says are
the most loving human being on the
planet until I don’t eat then he calls
me Godzilla uh-huh so far we were dead
from a state perspective be aware
sometimes truthfully we will even if
there’s a stacking or we have a
frustration we will literally it’s like
you know what we need to change our
state we’ll go drink some water we’ll
eat something just taking a breath from
what’s happening in that moment so it
allows your physiology to change so
you’re not like bringing that to the
table in that moment because that can
just cause if you’re both frustrated in
those two frustrations users going
together it’s like literally I mean we
will physically just it’s like let’s do
something physical jump in the pool it
sounds crazy but it actually like you
know you come out and you feel different
and feeling different your physiology
you experience a different reality when
you’re stuck in a relationship you’re
stuck because you’re stuck in a state
people get stuck in the future as
futures not the way they want it to be
in their head or something gonna happen
in the past the best thing is to change
something in the present physically
change it drink some water have
something to eat jump in the river do
whatever you got to do because in the
right state you and I both know at this
if there’s any love there you will
transform and come back and solve the
problem but in the wrong state good
people the right people in the wrong
state will mess up the relationship so
if you want up a breakthrough this week
look at some of the strategies for
understanding appreciating and changing
look at what triggers you to feel
attractive because this week’s not just
about love it’s love and passion if all
you have is love you have a friendship
nothing wrong with that but you have an
intimate relationship then there’s
passion there so what are the strategies
to trigger that the masculine and
feminine energy the dance of it take a
look at some of those this week thank
you guys so much for watching I hope you
enjoyed I’d love to know what you think
of the video and from the clips that you
saw what was the most impactful one for
you how are you going to make some
changes in your relationships as a
result of watching this I’d love to hear
from you leave a comment below I’ll join
in the responses thank you so much for
watching continue to believe and I’ll
see you soon
you
around famous and successful
entrepreneurs a little bit more and soak
up some of their energy wisdom and ideas
so today we’re going to learn from Tony
Robbins on relationships one of things
that we found is we meet couples and
very often people say you guys seem like
you know you’re newlyweds or they’ll ask
us did you guys just get married which
we’re really proud of up to 12 years but
it’s not a matter of time that makes
that difference if you’re single one of
the reasons that people find themself in
a relationship that they’re unhappy with
is they’re filtering today’s
relationship through the past and one of
the things that we’ve done for anybody
we’re going to help is get you to clear
the decks of the paths and step into who
you’re with right here and right now
that can start to create a difference
because in the beginning of a
relationship what do you look what are
you willing to do for that person
anything right anything whatever it
takes now after a few months or a few
weeks or a few years all of a sudden
you’re saying you know would you take
out the trash in the beginning you’re
like whatever you want the trash I’m
happy to do it for you now it’s like you
know what I look like your janitor so
learning how to be able to create that
aliveness again and not filter your
partner through an old story is one of
the most important things you can do to
have a passionate relationship I found
in my life for years I had a
relationship with some was a great lady
and we had tons of love but very little
passion and I wanted more passion but I
didn’t understand what the triggers were
I didn’t understand the differences in
values and rules I didn’t know how to
shift anything nobody teach you this and
so I’d be in this experience where it’s
like wow you know I remember being on
stage vividly in a room that would have
been my my ultimate years before it was
the Continental Center in New York City
there were 13,000 people in the room
12,000 something hundred almost 13,000
people and I was doing my gig and we
were rocking like what we’re doing here
with five thousand thousand thirteen
thousand and we were going full-tilt
with a level of intensity was
unbelievable people are out of their
mind and during one of the stretch
breaks one of my partners came up and
told me my company had gone public that
morning and that’s the morning where my
stock Alone’s worth 40 billion dollars
so Sony you just made four hundred
million dollars this morning while
you’re doing what you love I was like
good morning
great morning you know was interesting
it was really great it was like wow
that’s wonderful and then what I really
want to do is get right back into what I
loved it didn’t like it was a cool thing
but it wasn’t didn’t change my life but
the biggest thing is the end of it at
night I’m connecting people high-five
and sign and hugging people and it’s
just a beautiful day and I get home and
I’d made for two million dollars I’ve
been with almost 13,000 people I’d done
what I loved I was on fire alive and I
went home and I was miserable because
when he went home the person I was with
wanted me be same thing different than
what I was kind of like that’s why I
understood Sarah may Sarah may was
trying to be something she thinks people
want or people are expecting from her
but it’s not her so the person I was a
relationship with when she met me is
like Scotty he’s unbelievably this
powerful force of nature he can shake a
building with people and move people and
then it was like why are you so proud I
was like wow this is me right and so
what I learned to do was be something
different that I really wasn’t
and so when you’re being something
you’re not you’re miserable who knows
what I’m talking about here say I and
I’m such a lover I love people I never
want somebody not be happy so I would
always sacrifice everything try to make
somebody happy but by not being who I
was there was nothing wrong with her I
was just miserable cuz I didn’t
understand the game when I finally
figured this process out and by the way
guess how I did it I interviewed people
I had a couple that was guy was 92
woman’s 89 kina my date with destiny
seminar and these two were physically
all over each other all the time I mean
so much it was like get a room I mean
this is hard to watch right and
everybody whole seminar notice it so I
finally bottomed on stage and interview
them
I ship their young punks in their 60s so
I bring this the eight year old man is
89 year old woman up I said I gotta
interview you guys so I’m interviewing
my set to my so tell me something I said
you two seem to not just love each other
you like love each other and they were
oh yeah I mean like you’re rather
physical aren’t you they said oh yes we
love every we love to be together I said
and you guys have intimate relations oh
yes every day every day
sometimes several times a day the woman
says no exaggeration and they were so
adorable and they were like all of each
other how to get to grab each other
touch each other I said to him I said
okay there are a lot of people that
think when you’re together 3 4 or 5 10
years you know there’s nothing new they
said nothing new they just aren’t being
in flexible enough they’re not trying
new things I said well tell me something
what’s your belief about like how do you
stay intimate shit the woman says when
you can’t just talk you got a touch and
she said like touch lots of things and
she’s so adorable and so I said so you
guys have this passionate I’m Jana so
what’s your belief and he said well we
believe that it’s never boring because
we believe there’s nothing ugly between
two people love each other nothing dirty
between two people love each other she
said yeah here’s our rule we try
anything once
and if we like it we do it again so I
spent five years interviewing people
who’ve been together 20 30 40 50 years
and they don’t just have love their
passion they’re not hanging out they
love each other and it changed the game
for me and the biggest change in my life
I would give up everything in my life
without a no exaggeration no hyperbole
everything I’ve ever learned if they
never have done for the relationship I
have with my sage she has been the great
I died for this woman no exaggeration
but I couldn’t have gotten to that place
if I hadn’t been through all those other
places first and the gift that I’ve got
in that area is a gift you deserve and
anybody can have it you could be with
somebody together for 10 years and you
could
night it cuz she just to know the
triggers or some of you may find that
you’re in a relationship where
truthfully you are nothing in common
you’re just scared shitless to end it
because you’re afraid of being alone but
there’s a way to do this in a way where
things can be ah elegant but you can be
free and you can bring to your life what
you deserve
I tell people one thing if you’re not
happy in your intimate relationship
you’re not stabbing because I don’t give
it how hard you work I don’t care how
much money you make any troubles you get
in the end if you don’t have that
aliveness and passion a part of you is
dead inside it’s one thing your
strategies to know how to fix things but
oftentimes you don’t apply what you know
because you got a story about your
relationship a story about your part but
they don’t really care you know you got
frustrations or pains or disappointments
that got interpreted in the past and now
you’re generalizing about your partner
whenever we generalize about anybody we
do them a disservice in ourselves as
well so maybe this week during
Valentine’s week it’s maybe discover
what are the empowering stories about
your relationship if you ask a couple
how did you meet they talk about it with
such passion excitement you know the
relationships still alive if they go
yeah we met you know this is what
happened and we bumped into each other
there’s no energy for it even the story
of how you met affects you so probably
this week Mike you might want to take a
look at the stories that you tell about
your partner to yourself to your friends
to your partner
because we start to believe our stories
and I always tell people want to change
your life change your story divorce the
story of how your partner is not enough
or you’ll never find the partner you
want if you’re single or the good ones
are gone whatever stopping you from
getting what you want in a relationship
there’s a story about it you can uncover
it you can get rid of it divorce your
story and marry the truth the truth is
always something empower you much more
and that truth of that magnification
remembering it’s like one of the gifts
that we give each other especially
actually at a time like this like
Valentine’s week is actually reliving
those moments you know reliving the
magic and appreciate
the magic and it’s just I don’t know it
infuses into your life rather than
looking and letting those stacking stack
up for you become frustrations and the
story knowing that this man I was born
to love this man story and God gifted me
for all that a good done with millions
of people the good I’ve done this has
been the gift of my life I got into that
I believe that’s my positive karma
that’s the core story I believe about
this woman and that produces on a love
and a commitment and a devotion to each
other that gets through any of the other
BS that shows up when you get caught up
in the daily stresses of things so
rewrite your story what is your love
affair and who are you for the one that
you love and if you’re single it’s time
to rewrite the story of who you are and
the one that you’re going to track
because whenever we focus on wherever we
all know whatever energy go wherever
focus goes energy flows so your story
controls the energy of your life if you
think all the good ones are gone its
self-fulfilling you know if you’re
overweight and hard losing weight the
strategies are there but you’re not
doing it cuz you go I’ve tried
everything you haven’t tried everything
not all the good ones are gone and your
partner who’s right with you if there
was ever a passion that passion can be
brought back to life with the right
strategies but first you got about the
story that says again what really is
important though is if you consistently
feel like there’s a loss of attraction
in the relationship it changes your
filter on each other’s behaviors and it
goes to the second stressor now all of a
sudden with a loss of attraction there’s
an increase in irritation there’s a
mutation yeah people start to get very
often where they get emotionally stacked
like little things start to bug them in
a worst case they get to stonewalling so
we’ll give you an example there’s four
R’s that we talk about that actually
this came out of a couple of our friends
or both relationship experts who got
divorced but they learned from that
experience and I both were trying to
figure out what destroyed the
relationship and they’re sharing onus
and I said well the first thing is
there’s that initial resistance you know
where somebody says something or
somebody does something your partner
does it you’re like oh you know wish
they wouldn’t do that but you don’t say
anything you know you know it’s not
to say anything about that big a deal
but if you don’t deal the resistance
level and you don’t always call it
speaking in spoken if you don’t speak
the unspoken and you don’t speak that
resistance then that resistance becomes
the next and it becomes a little bit
deeper which is the resentment and all
of these unspoken zin the anchors and
the stacking z’ they all go deeper yeah
and what happens when it starts to
become a resentment the way you kind of
know that is you start going why does he
or whether she always have to tell that
story or you know why is he always late
or she always later why do we have to go
through this but you still don’t
necessarily say much of that and you
feel anymore sometimes you just wake up
in the morning feel a charge and you
don’t even know where it came from
that’s just that built up what it was
resistance is that you didn’t do well no
by the way the resistance is may have
just been your stuff but the fact that
you didn’t come and say gosh honey I and
those my stuff but I was gonna react
this thing it’s not you but I just want
to tell you I got a shift this or would
you help me with this if you just talk
about it’s different but I don’t that
resistance turns in a resentment if that
resentment isn’t dealt with it starts to
show up as rejection that’s when
somebody starts going why do you always
do that or they you know when you
overreact to somebody you’re not
reacting to this moment you’re reacting
the fact that happened again in your
mind and so people by the way when you
start rejecting them or being really
overly harsh they don’t know why you’re
doing this and so then they feel really
wounded they tend to then reject you
back and it spirals it is very easy 8
that happens or the rejection of general
I’m out of here and you know Pete in
that space there’s words that are spoken
that it’s just there’s that emotional
charge now we’re getting in deeper in
you’re getting a level with a level of
charge and honestly toxicity in the
relationship that you don’t want and we
so stay in our relationship just with
these once again it’s the awareness and
once you have this awareness you can see
where you are it’s like to know and feel
and resistance right now that you can
speak that unspoken and you don’t get to
level 3 and for my girls not difficulty
expressing her resistance
but the great thing seriously is we both
tease we have diesel play fights where
she’ll sing it on here during the mill
okay right now or I’ll do the same thing
with her but we do it not from a harsh
exactly yeah and then it gets the energy
out and then you don’t build it up so
there is a fourth level but we’re out of
time
so we’ll see you tomorrow seriously
finished there is when you get to a
place where now you’re oppressing in
other words resistance grew to
resentment resentment got yourself to a
point of rejection where you’re kind of
being harsh with each other some people
get targetting harsh with each other and
they just surrender they’re just numb
that’s right they go into what we call
learned helplessness where it’s just
like not gonna get any better so it is
and those times very often when other
couples meet them they’ll say oh those
guys are best friends great you’re
neutral I can never be never fight
that’s the first thing they never the
fact they never bites a little clue
right benign because what they do is
they lower their expectation for the
relationship and they start filling up
through their work or through their kids
or through shopping after something else
and what happens that relationship is
it’s really dead um or maybe it’s a
decent friendship but you’ll be friends
with anybody again you can’t be intimate
with anybody so we’re this our whole
thing is about love and passion not
settling for one or the other I’ve taken
it up a notch and so breaking the
pattern these four R’s is really
critical if you want to change a
relationship the number one thing you
have to do is master your own emotions
if you don’t do that forget it
there’s no hope and what’s wonderful
though is it’s easy to do if you know
how but none of us have been taught
really emotional leadership emotional
management is a very minimum much less
how to direct and shape ourselves I
don’t mean faking your emotions and I
mean pushing them down I don’t believe
in positive thinking although you may
think that from watching you know some
of the media coverage I’m not into
positive thinking I’m not here tonight
to tell you to go to your garden and say
there’s no weeds there’s no leads
there’s no leads there’s no leads
now I’m very clear that I believe that
life is about leadership and being
truthful to yourself and so I believe
number one that the mandate for any
great relationship a mandate for anybody
to lead their own life and not be a
followers you got to see things as they
are but not worse than they are because
that’s where most people go that’s where
they go on relationship that’s why they
start to tear it down that’s why the
relationship starts to break down
because people get scared when isn’t
working out and then they make it worse
than it is so they don’t have to try
because they don’t want to try again and
be disappointed they don’t want to feel
that sense of rejection they don’t want
to feel that sense of failure so most
people make it much worse than it is
people tell me all the time oh I’m
skeptical or I’m pessimistic I said no
no you’re gutless
it takes no guts it takes no courage to
be a pessimist to say it’s not going to
work to try to find out what’s wrong
what’s wrong is always available so
what’s right so I’m not into positive
thinking but I am into intelligence and
intelligence says see it as it is don’t
make it worse than it is
maybe you’ve all time say um my problem
is I’m big bone no you’re freaking fat
tell the truth you know what is this big
bone story you know the only way it gets
better is if you can see out it is don’t
make it worse than it is don’t try make
it so it’s impossible to change that’s
not true not true at all the second
mandate I think to changing anything in
your life to believe in your life is
once you see it as it is not worse it is
then you got to see it better than it it
because that’s the thing it’s missing
for most relationships there’s no vision
I mean without a vision in a bible it
says people what parish and what a
relationship has no vision for greater
than where they are that relationship is
going downhill if not destroyed
I believe that every relationship every
part of life every part of a human being
needs a compelling future if the future
is not more compelling than today today
could be tough one of the future is
compelling we can get there and that’s
what every leader does and every one of
you in this room and I know some of you
are here I guess from the general public
as well just for your own relationships
I really acknowledge you for but I know
that you’re from the military here and
all the therapist here people from all
walks of life you’re all leaders what’s
your job to lead your job is to help
people see it as it is not worse than it
is what’s your job help them create a
compelling future see it better than it
is so there’s a reason
give my all again otherwise there’s just
no juice there’s no energy why they’ll
go through the motions complain with
each other not really believe it’s going
to work and nothing will change and then
finally the third step that we’ve all
got to do if we’re going to change our
life or anybody else’s is make it the
way we see it and that’s where strategy
comes in I try to take things that are
complex and make them as simple as
possible I’ve noticed most people it’s
like logic where I’ll try to make it as
complex as humanly possible because it
makes us feel so sophisticated we can
talk with all these complex words and
elements and so forth we can really you
know we got our degrees I mean we’re
somebody but you know what that doesn’t
help anybody so I look for a nickle word
to get to the cart of something I’m
trying to take something complex to make
it simple so that people really will
apply it the most important part of
relationship is the state direct we
always call it the State of the Union
uh-huh you know what’s the State of the
Union if two people independent each
other are in peak States about things in
their business their life their career
and they meet together it’s a great
relationship if they’re both in kind of
a soso state eventually relationships
are so if they’re both in a crappy state
reason it’s a crappy relationship what
people want is when we need somebody we
could attract to them because they
change our state that changed the way we
feel we get excited want to be with them
are you being are you putting yourself
in a state when you’re with the partner
of your life or the person you want to
attract are you really in the state that
would want them make them want to be
with you like they would be in the
beginning you know most people are
noticing what the other person isn’t
doing but the most important thing is
you’re going to interpret your partner
and really negative ways when you’re in
a lousy state giver been mad at somebody
about something and you found out later
on you were wrong with just the state
you’re in so we have so many tools for
changing state and we work at it
wicked tuna I’m giggling about this one
because Dave my husband always says are
the most loving human being on the
planet until I don’t eat then he calls
me Godzilla uh-huh so far we were dead
from a state perspective be aware
sometimes truthfully we will even if
there’s a stacking or we have a
frustration we will literally it’s like
you know what we need to change our
state we’ll go drink some water we’ll
eat something just taking a breath from
what’s happening in that moment so it
allows your physiology to change so
you’re not like bringing that to the
table in that moment because that can
just cause if you’re both frustrated in
those two frustrations users going
together it’s like literally I mean we
will physically just it’s like let’s do
something physical jump in the pool it
sounds crazy but it actually like you
know you come out and you feel different
and feeling different your physiology
you experience a different reality when
you’re stuck in a relationship you’re
stuck because you’re stuck in a state
people get stuck in the future as
futures not the way they want it to be
in their head or something gonna happen
in the past the best thing is to change
something in the present physically
change it drink some water have
something to eat jump in the river do
whatever you got to do because in the
right state you and I both know at this
if there’s any love there you will
transform and come back and solve the
problem but in the wrong state good
people the right people in the wrong
state will mess up the relationship so
if you want up a breakthrough this week
look at some of the strategies for
understanding appreciating and changing
look at what triggers you to feel
attractive because this week’s not just
about love it’s love and passion if all
you have is love you have a friendship
nothing wrong with that but you have an
intimate relationship then there’s
passion there so what are the strategies
to trigger that the masculine and
feminine energy the dance of it take a
look at some of those this week thank
you guys so much for watching I hope you
enjoyed I’d love to know what you think
of the video and from the clips that you
saw what was the most impactful one for
you how are you going to make some
changes in your relationships as a
result of watching this I’d love to hear
from you leave a comment below I’ll join
in the responses thank you so much for
watching continue to believe and I’ll
see you soon
you
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