I had so many dreams of where I wanted
to go who I wanted to be and what I
wanted to do theatre companies I wanted
to start with classmates movies I wanted
to be in directors I wanted to work with
stories I needed to tell it might take a
little time I thought but it would
happen when i sat there excuse me
22 years ago what I didn’t want to think
about is where I would be tomorrow what
I would have to start to do tomorrow and
I graduated in 1991 a great year a time
of resurgence for independent films in
this country a time of relatively
affordable rents in New York City as he
I assumed that I could make a living
writing my plays acting way off off off
Broadway and hopefully you know one day
join the actors I loved and respected in
those independent films TV oh what no
what are you kidding me
no didn’t even consider that I had much
more class than that much more
self-respect than that soap operas and
what I didn’t have was cash a bank account a credit card or an apartment I
just had death a big hungry growing larger every moment
a big hungry growing larger every moment dead so as you will tomorrow I had to
dead so as you will tomorrow I had to leave beautiful Vermont I packed the
leave beautiful Vermont I packed the life that I knew with socks and a
life that I knew with socks and a toothbrush into my backpack and I slept
toothbrush into my backpack and I slept on couch after couch after couch after
on couch after couch after couch after couch at friends apartments in New York
couch at friends apartments in New York until I wore out their rent paying
until I wore out their rent paying roommates welcome I didn’t want a day
roommates welcome I didn’t want a day job I was an actor I was a writer I was
job I was an actor I was a writer I was a Bennington graduate I had to get a day
a Bennington graduate I had to get a day job I dusted pianos at a piano store on
job I dusted pianos at a piano store on Ludlow Street for five months I worked
Ludlow Street for five months I worked on the property of a Shakespeare scholar
on the property of a Shakespeare scholar for a year pulling weeds and removing
for a year pulling weeds and removing bees nests I went on unemployment once
bees nests I went on unemployment once but for not for long I couldn’t handle
but for not for long I couldn’t handle the guilt
eventually I was able to pay rent for a spot on the floor of an apartment on the
spot on the floor of an apartment on the Lower East Side but my roommate had a
Lower East Side but my roommate had a breakdown and disappeared he later
breakdown and disappeared he later resurfaced in a religious cult I’m
resurfaced in a religious cult I’m making this sound romantic
making this sound romantic it really wasn’t I helped hang paintings
it really wasn’t I helped hang paintings at galleries paintings that inspired
at galleries paintings that inspired inspire you to think I could do that
and then finally after two years of job and couchsurfing I got a job in
and couchsurfing I got a job in application processing as a data enter
application processing as a data enter er at a place called professional
er at a place called professional examination services and I stayed for
examination services and I stayed for six years six years longer than my time
six years six years longer than my time at Bennington from the age of 23 to 29
at Bennington from the age of 23 to 29 well they loved me there I was funny I
well they loved me there I was funny I wore black no cape no tights I smoked in
wore black no cape no tights I smoked in the loading docks with the guys from the
the loading docks with the guys from the mailroom and we shared how hungover we
mailroom and we shared how hungover we all were everyone called each other
all were everyone called each other shorty
what’s up shoulder how you doing shorty also hungover shoulder I called in sick
also hungover shoulder I called in sick almost every Friday because I was out
almost every Friday because I was out late the night before I hated that job
late the night before I hated that job and I clung to that job because of that
and I clung to that job because of that job I could afford my own place so I
job I could afford my own place so I lived in Williamsburg Brooklyn in yeah
lived in Williamsburg Brooklyn in yeah you say that now oh my kingdom for a
you say that now oh my kingdom for a time machine yeah that’s right I lived
time machine yeah that’s right I lived in an industrial loft my rent was $400 a
in an industrial loft my rent was $400 a month
my dream of running a theater company with my friend and fellow Bennington
with my friend and fellow Bennington graduate Ian Bell had died I won’t go
graduate Ian Bell had died I won’t go into those details but neither one of us
into those details but neither one of us had any business sense and the theater
had any business sense and the theater we lived in it had no heat or hot water
we lived in it had no heat or hot water we didn’t smell very good
we didn’t smell very good but we had our youth the youth gets old
but we had our youth the youth gets old very quickly you’ll see so Ian moved out
very quickly you’ll see so Ian moved out to Seattle and I moved up to the street
to Seattle and I moved up to the street to my loft and I still didn’t have heat
to my loft and I still didn’t have heat in 1993 industrial loft meant not legal
in 1993 industrial loft meant not legal to live there I see I don’t want this to
to live there I see I don’t want this to sound cool when I feel like it’s
sound cool when I feel like it’s sounding cool ad lib
but I did have hot water mm-hmm hot water in my bathroom which a friend of
water in my bathroom which a friend of mine using said bathroom once shouted it
mine using said bathroom once shouted it smells exactly like a summer camp in
smells exactly like a summer camp in here it was true for some reason in the
here it was true for some reason in the middle of Brooklyn there was earth in my
middle of Brooklyn there was earth in my shower
actual earth and then look mushrooms growing from the earth but I was safe
growing from the earth but I was safe though the ideal fire control company
though the ideal fire control company was right across the street where they
was right across the street where they make all the chemicals that put out
make all the chemicals that put out chemical fires I did not fear a chemical
chemical fires I did not fear a chemical fire I would be okay and all those
fire I would be okay and all those chemicals in the air were okay too
chemicals in the air were okay too because up the street we had the spice
because up the street we had the spice factory they made spices and that just
factory they made spices and that just covered everything up in a nice human
covered everything up in a nice human scent I had a rat but that was okay
scent I had a rat but that was okay because I got a cat his name was Brian
because I got a cat his name was Brian no relation
my grandmother had given me a pink pull-out couch oddly no friends or
pull-out couch oddly no friends or recent graduates wanted to crash on my
recent graduates wanted to crash on my couch so I put the couch on its end so
couch so I put the couch on its end so Brian could climb it and look out the
Brian could climb it and look out the window I had only the one window I
window I had only the one window I myself could not look out the window it
myself could not look out the window it was it was quite high so I had no heat
was it was quite high so I had no heat no girlfriend what are you kidding me no
no girlfriend what are you kidding me no acting agent but I had a cat named Brian
acting agent but I had a cat named Brian who told me of the world outside
and I stayed for ten years no don’t pity me there’s a happy ending
when I was 29 I told myself the next acting job I get no matter what it pays
acting job I get no matter what it pays I will from now on for better or worse
I will from now on for better or worse be a working actor so I quit my position
be a working actor so I quit my position at the professional examination services
at the professional examination services my friends really weren’t happy about
my friends really weren’t happy about that because he was so easy to find me
that because he was so easy to find me when I worked there work was though was
when I worked there work was though was the only place I had the internet this
the only place I had the internet this was at the beginning of the Internet and
was at the beginning of the Internet and now I didn’t have either the internet or
now I didn’t have either the internet or a cellphone or a job but something good
a cellphone or a job but something good happened
happened I got a low-paying theater job in a play
I got a low-paying theater job in a play called imperfect love which led to a
called imperfect love which led to a film called 13 moons with the same
film called 13 moons with the same writer which led to other roles which
writer which led to other roles which led to other roles and I’ve worked as an
led to other roles and I’ve worked as an actor ever since
but I didn’t know that would happen at 29 walking away from data processing I
29 walking away from data processing I was terrified ten years in a place
was terrified ten years in a place without he six years at a job I felt
without he six years at a job I felt stuck in maybe I was afraid of change
stuck in maybe I was afraid of change are you my parents didn’t have much
are you my parents didn’t have much money but they struggled to send me to
money but they struggled to send me to the best schools and one of the most
the best schools and one of the most important things they did for me and
important things they did for me and graduates maybe you don’t want to hear
graduates maybe you don’t want to hear this is that once I graduated I was on
this is that once I graduated I was on my own
my own financially it was my turn parents are
financially it was my turn parents are applauding graduates are not but this
applauding graduates are not but this made me very hungry
made me very hungry literally
I couldn’t be lazy now I’m totally lazy but back then I couldn’t be
but back then I couldn’t be and so at 29 and a very long last I was
and so at 29 and a very long last I was in the company of the actors and writers
in the company of the actors and writers and directors I’d sought out that first
and directors I’d sought out that first year that first day after school I was I
year that first day after school I was I am by their sides raised the rest of
am by their sides raised the rest of your life to meet you don’t search for
your life to meet you don’t search for defining moments because they will never
defining moments because they will never come
come well the birth of your children okay
well the birth of your children okay of course forget about it that’s I just
of course forget about it that’s I just six months she’s my life is forever
six months she’s my life is forever changed that’s the most defining moment
changed that’s the most defining moment ever but I’m talking about in the rest
ever but I’m talking about in the rest of your life and most importantly in
of your life and most importantly in your work the moments that define you
your work the moments that define you have already happened and they will
have already happened and they will already happen again and it passes so
already happen again and it passes so quickly so please bring each other along
quickly so please bring each other along with you everyone you need is in this
with you everyone you need is in this room these are the shiny more important
room these are the shiny more important people
sorry it sucks after graduation it really does I mean I don’t know at least
really does I mean I don’t know at least it did for me but that’s the only thing
it did for me but that’s the only thing I know you you just get a bit derailed
I know you you just get a bit derailed but soon something starts to happen
but soon something starts to happen trust me a rhythm sets in just like it
trust me a rhythm sets in just like it did after your first few days here just
did after your first few days here just try not to wait until like me you’re 29
try not to wait until like me you’re 29 before you find it and if you are that’s
before you find it and if you are that’s fine too
fine too some of us never find it but you will I
some of us never find it but you will I promise you you are already here that’s
promise you you are already here that’s such an enormous step all its own you’ll
such an enormous step all its own you’ll find your rhythm or continue the one you
find your rhythm or continue the one you have already found I was walking
have already found I was walking downtown in Manhattan the other day and
downtown in Manhattan the other day and I was approached by a group of very
I was approached by a group of very sweet young ladies easy actually they’re
sweet young ladies easy actually they’re sort of running feverishly down the
sort of running feverishly down the street after me
when they got to me breathless it was really they didn’t know what to say or
really they didn’t know what to say or couldn’t form the words but it came out
couldn’t form the words but it came out that they were NYU freshmen and they
that they were NYU freshmen and they were majoring in musical theater of
were majoring in musical theater of course come on there were like science
course come on there were like science majors we were running after me what
majors we were running after me what musicals are you doing I inquired well
musicals are you doing I inquired well one of them said looking down at her
one of them said looking down at her shoes we aren’t allowed to be in plays
shoes we aren’t allowed to be in plays our yet our freshman year now they were
our yet our freshman year now they were paying a very high tuition to not do
paying a very high tuition to not do what they love doing I think I said well
what they love doing I think I said well hang in there
what I should have said was don’t wait until they tell you you are ready get in
until they tell you you are ready get in there
there sing or quickly transfer to Bennington
when I went to school here if a freshman wanted to write direct and star in her
wanted to write direct and star in her own musical the lights would already be
own musical the lights would already be hung for her now I tell this story
hung for her now I tell this story mm-hmm
mm-hmm because the world might say you are not
because the world might say you are not allowed to yet I waited a long time out
allowed to yet I waited a long time out in the world before I gave myself
in the world before I gave myself permission to fail please don’t even
permission to fail please don’t even bother asking don’t bother telling the
bother asking don’t bother telling the world you already show it do it what did
world you already show it do it what did Beckett say ever tried ever failed no
Beckett say ever tried ever failed no matter
matter try again fail again fail better
bennington class of 2012 the world is yours treat everyone kindly and light up
yours treat everyone kindly and light up the night thank you so much for having
the night thank you so much for having me here
me here [Applause]
to go who I wanted to be and what I
wanted to do theatre companies I wanted
to start with classmates movies I wanted
to be in directors I wanted to work with
stories I needed to tell it might take a
little time I thought but it would
happen when i sat there excuse me
22 years ago what I didn’t want to think
about is where I would be tomorrow what
I would have to start to do tomorrow and
I graduated in 1991 a great year a time
of resurgence for independent films in
this country a time of relatively
affordable rents in New York City as he
I assumed that I could make a living
writing my plays acting way off off off
Broadway and hopefully you know one day
join the actors I loved and respected in
those independent films TV oh what no
what are you kidding me
no didn’t even consider that I had much
more class than that much more
self-respect than that soap operas and
what I didn’t have was cash a bank account a credit card or an apartment I
just had death a big hungry growing larger every moment
a big hungry growing larger every moment dead so as you will tomorrow I had to
dead so as you will tomorrow I had to leave beautiful Vermont I packed the
leave beautiful Vermont I packed the life that I knew with socks and a
life that I knew with socks and a toothbrush into my backpack and I slept
toothbrush into my backpack and I slept on couch after couch after couch after
on couch after couch after couch after couch at friends apartments in New York
couch at friends apartments in New York until I wore out their rent paying
until I wore out their rent paying roommates welcome I didn’t want a day
roommates welcome I didn’t want a day job I was an actor I was a writer I was
job I was an actor I was a writer I was a Bennington graduate I had to get a day
a Bennington graduate I had to get a day job I dusted pianos at a piano store on
job I dusted pianos at a piano store on Ludlow Street for five months I worked
Ludlow Street for five months I worked on the property of a Shakespeare scholar
on the property of a Shakespeare scholar for a year pulling weeds and removing
for a year pulling weeds and removing bees nests I went on unemployment once
bees nests I went on unemployment once but for not for long I couldn’t handle
but for not for long I couldn’t handle the guilt
eventually I was able to pay rent for a spot on the floor of an apartment on the
spot on the floor of an apartment on the Lower East Side but my roommate had a
Lower East Side but my roommate had a breakdown and disappeared he later
breakdown and disappeared he later resurfaced in a religious cult I’m
resurfaced in a religious cult I’m making this sound romantic
making this sound romantic it really wasn’t I helped hang paintings
it really wasn’t I helped hang paintings at galleries paintings that inspired
at galleries paintings that inspired inspire you to think I could do that
and then finally after two years of job and couchsurfing I got a job in
and couchsurfing I got a job in application processing as a data enter
application processing as a data enter er at a place called professional
er at a place called professional examination services and I stayed for
examination services and I stayed for six years six years longer than my time
six years six years longer than my time at Bennington from the age of 23 to 29
at Bennington from the age of 23 to 29 well they loved me there I was funny I
well they loved me there I was funny I wore black no cape no tights I smoked in
wore black no cape no tights I smoked in the loading docks with the guys from the
the loading docks with the guys from the mailroom and we shared how hungover we
mailroom and we shared how hungover we all were everyone called each other
all were everyone called each other shorty
what’s up shoulder how you doing shorty also hungover shoulder I called in sick
also hungover shoulder I called in sick almost every Friday because I was out
almost every Friday because I was out late the night before I hated that job
late the night before I hated that job and I clung to that job because of that
and I clung to that job because of that job I could afford my own place so I
job I could afford my own place so I lived in Williamsburg Brooklyn in yeah
lived in Williamsburg Brooklyn in yeah you say that now oh my kingdom for a
you say that now oh my kingdom for a time machine yeah that’s right I lived
time machine yeah that’s right I lived in an industrial loft my rent was $400 a
in an industrial loft my rent was $400 a month
my dream of running a theater company with my friend and fellow Bennington
with my friend and fellow Bennington graduate Ian Bell had died I won’t go
graduate Ian Bell had died I won’t go into those details but neither one of us
into those details but neither one of us had any business sense and the theater
had any business sense and the theater we lived in it had no heat or hot water
we lived in it had no heat or hot water we didn’t smell very good
we didn’t smell very good but we had our youth the youth gets old
but we had our youth the youth gets old very quickly you’ll see so Ian moved out
very quickly you’ll see so Ian moved out to Seattle and I moved up to the street
to Seattle and I moved up to the street to my loft and I still didn’t have heat
to my loft and I still didn’t have heat in 1993 industrial loft meant not legal
in 1993 industrial loft meant not legal to live there I see I don’t want this to
to live there I see I don’t want this to sound cool when I feel like it’s
sound cool when I feel like it’s sounding cool ad lib
but I did have hot water mm-hmm hot water in my bathroom which a friend of
water in my bathroom which a friend of mine using said bathroom once shouted it
mine using said bathroom once shouted it smells exactly like a summer camp in
smells exactly like a summer camp in here it was true for some reason in the
here it was true for some reason in the middle of Brooklyn there was earth in my
middle of Brooklyn there was earth in my shower
actual earth and then look mushrooms growing from the earth but I was safe
growing from the earth but I was safe though the ideal fire control company
though the ideal fire control company was right across the street where they
was right across the street where they make all the chemicals that put out
make all the chemicals that put out chemical fires I did not fear a chemical
chemical fires I did not fear a chemical fire I would be okay and all those
fire I would be okay and all those chemicals in the air were okay too
chemicals in the air were okay too because up the street we had the spice
because up the street we had the spice factory they made spices and that just
factory they made spices and that just covered everything up in a nice human
covered everything up in a nice human scent I had a rat but that was okay
scent I had a rat but that was okay because I got a cat his name was Brian
because I got a cat his name was Brian no relation
my grandmother had given me a pink pull-out couch oddly no friends or
pull-out couch oddly no friends or recent graduates wanted to crash on my
recent graduates wanted to crash on my couch so I put the couch on its end so
couch so I put the couch on its end so Brian could climb it and look out the
Brian could climb it and look out the window I had only the one window I
window I had only the one window I myself could not look out the window it
myself could not look out the window it was it was quite high so I had no heat
was it was quite high so I had no heat no girlfriend what are you kidding me no
no girlfriend what are you kidding me no acting agent but I had a cat named Brian
acting agent but I had a cat named Brian who told me of the world outside
and I stayed for ten years no don’t pity me there’s a happy ending
when I was 29 I told myself the next acting job I get no matter what it pays
acting job I get no matter what it pays I will from now on for better or worse
I will from now on for better or worse be a working actor so I quit my position
be a working actor so I quit my position at the professional examination services
at the professional examination services my friends really weren’t happy about
my friends really weren’t happy about that because he was so easy to find me
that because he was so easy to find me when I worked there work was though was
when I worked there work was though was the only place I had the internet this
the only place I had the internet this was at the beginning of the Internet and
was at the beginning of the Internet and now I didn’t have either the internet or
now I didn’t have either the internet or a cellphone or a job but something good
a cellphone or a job but something good happened
happened I got a low-paying theater job in a play
I got a low-paying theater job in a play called imperfect love which led to a
called imperfect love which led to a film called 13 moons with the same
film called 13 moons with the same writer which led to other roles which
writer which led to other roles which led to other roles and I’ve worked as an
led to other roles and I’ve worked as an actor ever since
but I didn’t know that would happen at 29 walking away from data processing I
29 walking away from data processing I was terrified ten years in a place
was terrified ten years in a place without he six years at a job I felt
without he six years at a job I felt stuck in maybe I was afraid of change
stuck in maybe I was afraid of change are you my parents didn’t have much
are you my parents didn’t have much money but they struggled to send me to
money but they struggled to send me to the best schools and one of the most
the best schools and one of the most important things they did for me and
important things they did for me and graduates maybe you don’t want to hear
graduates maybe you don’t want to hear this is that once I graduated I was on
this is that once I graduated I was on my own
my own financially it was my turn parents are
financially it was my turn parents are applauding graduates are not but this
applauding graduates are not but this made me very hungry
made me very hungry literally
I couldn’t be lazy now I’m totally lazy but back then I couldn’t be
but back then I couldn’t be and so at 29 and a very long last I was
and so at 29 and a very long last I was in the company of the actors and writers
in the company of the actors and writers and directors I’d sought out that first
and directors I’d sought out that first year that first day after school I was I
year that first day after school I was I am by their sides raised the rest of
am by their sides raised the rest of your life to meet you don’t search for
your life to meet you don’t search for defining moments because they will never
defining moments because they will never come
come well the birth of your children okay
well the birth of your children okay of course forget about it that’s I just
of course forget about it that’s I just six months she’s my life is forever
six months she’s my life is forever changed that’s the most defining moment
changed that’s the most defining moment ever but I’m talking about in the rest
ever but I’m talking about in the rest of your life and most importantly in
of your life and most importantly in your work the moments that define you
your work the moments that define you have already happened and they will
have already happened and they will already happen again and it passes so
already happen again and it passes so quickly so please bring each other along
quickly so please bring each other along with you everyone you need is in this
with you everyone you need is in this room these are the shiny more important
room these are the shiny more important people
sorry it sucks after graduation it really does I mean I don’t know at least
really does I mean I don’t know at least it did for me but that’s the only thing
it did for me but that’s the only thing I know you you just get a bit derailed
I know you you just get a bit derailed but soon something starts to happen
but soon something starts to happen trust me a rhythm sets in just like it
trust me a rhythm sets in just like it did after your first few days here just
did after your first few days here just try not to wait until like me you’re 29
try not to wait until like me you’re 29 before you find it and if you are that’s
before you find it and if you are that’s fine too
fine too some of us never find it but you will I
some of us never find it but you will I promise you you are already here that’s
promise you you are already here that’s such an enormous step all its own you’ll
such an enormous step all its own you’ll find your rhythm or continue the one you
find your rhythm or continue the one you have already found I was walking
have already found I was walking downtown in Manhattan the other day and
downtown in Manhattan the other day and I was approached by a group of very
I was approached by a group of very sweet young ladies easy actually they’re
sweet young ladies easy actually they’re sort of running feverishly down the
sort of running feverishly down the street after me
when they got to me breathless it was really they didn’t know what to say or
really they didn’t know what to say or couldn’t form the words but it came out
couldn’t form the words but it came out that they were NYU freshmen and they
that they were NYU freshmen and they were majoring in musical theater of
were majoring in musical theater of course come on there were like science
course come on there were like science majors we were running after me what
majors we were running after me what musicals are you doing I inquired well
musicals are you doing I inquired well one of them said looking down at her
one of them said looking down at her shoes we aren’t allowed to be in plays
shoes we aren’t allowed to be in plays our yet our freshman year now they were
our yet our freshman year now they were paying a very high tuition to not do
paying a very high tuition to not do what they love doing I think I said well
what they love doing I think I said well hang in there
what I should have said was don’t wait until they tell you you are ready get in
until they tell you you are ready get in there
there sing or quickly transfer to Bennington
when I went to school here if a freshman wanted to write direct and star in her
wanted to write direct and star in her own musical the lights would already be
own musical the lights would already be hung for her now I tell this story
hung for her now I tell this story mm-hmm
mm-hmm because the world might say you are not
because the world might say you are not allowed to yet I waited a long time out
allowed to yet I waited a long time out in the world before I gave myself
in the world before I gave myself permission to fail please don’t even
permission to fail please don’t even bother asking don’t bother telling the
bother asking don’t bother telling the world you already show it do it what did
world you already show it do it what did Beckett say ever tried ever failed no
Beckett say ever tried ever failed no matter
matter try again fail again fail better
bennington class of 2012 the world is yours treat everyone kindly and light up
yours treat everyone kindly and light up the night thank you so much for having
the night thank you so much for having me here
me here [Applause]
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