[Music]
you can’t change yourself so don’t even
try I know that’s not what the
infomercials and self-help seminars tell
why can’t you change yourself because
the whole idea of change is an arbitrary
constructs it’s something you just made
up to make yourself feel good or bad
when people lay around whining to their
therapists and ex-wives that they’re
finally going to change themselves they
are promising something imaginary and
made-up if they used to lie and now they
stop lying
have they changed are they permanently
and irrevocably fixed well they never
lie again and even if they don’t will it
matter
please tell us millions of pissed-off
ex-wives would like to know
we don’t know what changes because we
don’t know who the hell we are if I wake
up tomorrow and do the exact opposite of
everything I do today am i a changed
person or am I simply the same person
who decided to try something different
here’s the problem with using the word
change it gets your identity involved
and when you get your identity involved
you become really emotionally attached
to imaginary things you throw fits and
beat yourself up and blame others and
decide that you are in fact a worthless
piece of who has no hope in this
world it’s one thing to say I want to
start going to the gym every week it’s
another to say it’s time that I finally
change and become the type of person who
goes to the gym every week the first
statement is simple you want to go to
the gym so you go or not
the second statement implies that to go
to the gym you must completely reinvent
yourself and that raises the emotional
stakes massively if you succeed spoiler
you won’t you’ll gain this blissful
feeling of being a new person which will
last until the next time you feel crappy
and want to change again if you fail
you’ll chastise yourself for your
irredeemable sloth and that’s the
problem with getting your identity
involved if / when you fail at something
you start thinking maybe I’m kidding
myself maybe I’m not one of those gym
people maybe this just isn’t for me so
why even try because you’ve decided
these arbitrary actions represent the
totality of your character you will view
your failure to get your off your ass
and put on the yoga pants
as a verdict on your value as a human
being you will hate yourself and you
will be less motivated to change or do
anything else in the future on the flip
side if you succeed like all drugs
you’ll get this nice little high and
momentarily escape your sense of
yourself but soon that high will wear
off and you’ll need to define for
yourself a new type of change to
accomplish and you’ll pursue that you’ll
then become addicted to personal change
the same way Eric Clapton was addicted
to cocaine or Edgar Allan Poe was
addicted to drinking until he passed out
facedown in a ditch here’s a protip
there’s no such thing as a gym person
there are just people who go to the gym
similarly there is no such thing as a
productive person there are just people
who do productive things fairly often
there’s no such thing as a lovable
person there are just people who aren’t
selfish twats it’s not always about you
in fact it rarely is keep yourself out
of your decisions because most likely
it’s not about you simply ask yourself
is this a good thing yes then go do it
oh you failed to do it is it still a
good thing to do yes then go do it again
and if at any point you realize that it
wasn’t as good as you thought then don’t
do it
end of story most of us who feel stuck
in certain habits are stuck because
we’re emotionally embedded in unhealthy
behaviors a smoker doesn’t just smoke
cigarettes they develop a whole identity
around smoking it alters their social
life they’re eating and sleeping habits
how they see themselves and others they
become the smoker to their friends and
family
they develop a relationship with
cigarettes the same way you and I
develop a relationship with a pet or a
favorite toy someone decides to change
themselves and quit smoking they are
essentially attempting to change their
entire identity all of the relationships
habits and assumptions that have gone
into X years of doing a singular thing
no wonder they fail the trick to
quitting smoking are to change any habit
is recognize that your identity that
elaborate mental framework you devised
in your mind and labeled me doesn’t
actually exist it is arbitrary it is a
facade and it can be raised or dropped
that will you are not a smoker you are a
person who chooses to smoke
you are not a night person you are a
person who chooses to be active at night
and sleep through the morning you are
not unproductive you are a person who
currently chooses to do things that do
not feel useful
you are not unlovable you are a person
who currently feels unloved and changing
these actions is as simple as changing
your actions
one action at a time forget labeling it
forget social accountability in fact
research has found that sharing goals
with others can often backfire forget
making a big poo haha about who you are
or what you are or what the Pope
thinks about you because he doesn’t and
neither do the rest of us and neither do
you for that matter your identity is
this made-up thing that you’re
emotionally attached to it’s a mirage in
the desert ketchup bottle and an empty
fridge the quickest way to change
yourself is to realize that there’s no real self to change
you can’t change yourself so don’t even
try I know that’s not what the
infomercials and self-help seminars tell
why can’t you change yourself because
the whole idea of change is an arbitrary
constructs it’s something you just made
up to make yourself feel good or bad
when people lay around whining to their
therapists and ex-wives that they’re
finally going to change themselves they
are promising something imaginary and
made-up if they used to lie and now they
stop lying
have they changed are they permanently
and irrevocably fixed well they never
lie again and even if they don’t will it
matter
please tell us millions of pissed-off
ex-wives would like to know
we don’t know what changes because we
don’t know who the hell we are if I wake
up tomorrow and do the exact opposite of
everything I do today am i a changed
person or am I simply the same person
who decided to try something different
here’s the problem with using the word
change it gets your identity involved
and when you get your identity involved
you become really emotionally attached
to imaginary things you throw fits and
beat yourself up and blame others and
decide that you are in fact a worthless
piece of who has no hope in this
world it’s one thing to say I want to
start going to the gym every week it’s
another to say it’s time that I finally
change and become the type of person who
goes to the gym every week the first
statement is simple you want to go to
the gym so you go or not
the second statement implies that to go
to the gym you must completely reinvent
yourself and that raises the emotional
stakes massively if you succeed spoiler
you won’t you’ll gain this blissful
feeling of being a new person which will
last until the next time you feel crappy
and want to change again if you fail
you’ll chastise yourself for your
irredeemable sloth and that’s the
problem with getting your identity
involved if / when you fail at something
you start thinking maybe I’m kidding
myself maybe I’m not one of those gym
people maybe this just isn’t for me so
why even try because you’ve decided
these arbitrary actions represent the
totality of your character you will view
your failure to get your off your ass
and put on the yoga pants
as a verdict on your value as a human
being you will hate yourself and you
will be less motivated to change or do
anything else in the future on the flip
side if you succeed like all drugs
you’ll get this nice little high and
momentarily escape your sense of
yourself but soon that high will wear
off and you’ll need to define for
yourself a new type of change to
accomplish and you’ll pursue that you’ll
then become addicted to personal change
the same way Eric Clapton was addicted
to cocaine or Edgar Allan Poe was
addicted to drinking until he passed out
facedown in a ditch here’s a protip
there’s no such thing as a gym person
there are just people who go to the gym
similarly there is no such thing as a
productive person there are just people
who do productive things fairly often
there’s no such thing as a lovable
person there are just people who aren’t
selfish twats it’s not always about you
in fact it rarely is keep yourself out
of your decisions because most likely
it’s not about you simply ask yourself
is this a good thing yes then go do it
oh you failed to do it is it still a
good thing to do yes then go do it again
and if at any point you realize that it
wasn’t as good as you thought then don’t
do it
end of story most of us who feel stuck
in certain habits are stuck because
we’re emotionally embedded in unhealthy
behaviors a smoker doesn’t just smoke
cigarettes they develop a whole identity
around smoking it alters their social
life they’re eating and sleeping habits
how they see themselves and others they
become the smoker to their friends and
family
they develop a relationship with
cigarettes the same way you and I
develop a relationship with a pet or a
favorite toy someone decides to change
themselves and quit smoking they are
essentially attempting to change their
entire identity all of the relationships
habits and assumptions that have gone
into X years of doing a singular thing
no wonder they fail the trick to
quitting smoking are to change any habit
is recognize that your identity that
elaborate mental framework you devised
in your mind and labeled me doesn’t
actually exist it is arbitrary it is a
facade and it can be raised or dropped
that will you are not a smoker you are a
person who chooses to smoke
you are not a night person you are a
person who chooses to be active at night
and sleep through the morning you are
not unproductive you are a person who
currently chooses to do things that do
not feel useful
you are not unlovable you are a person
who currently feels unloved and changing
these actions is as simple as changing
your actions
one action at a time forget labeling it
forget social accountability in fact
research has found that sharing goals
with others can often backfire forget
making a big poo haha about who you are
or what you are or what the Pope
thinks about you because he doesn’t and
neither do the rest of us and neither do
you for that matter your identity is
this made-up thing that you’re
emotionally attached to it’s a mirage in
the desert ketchup bottle and an empty
fridge the quickest way to change
yourself is to realize that there’s no real self to change
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