flying over a valley in Afghanistan are
two a-10 warthogs an a-10 is a heavily
armoured low-flying slow aircraft
designed to provide ground cover for
troops on the ground and on this night
it’s a very very cloudy night the storms
in the area and these two planes hanging
up above just waiting in case anybody
down below needs help up there it’s
gorgeous the moon is bright the
thousands of stars in the sky the clouds
look like the snow had just fallen down
below in the valley however there were
22 Special Forces Special Operations
Forces troops trying to make their way
through the country and they could feel
that something was wrong they could feel
they felt uneasy one of the pilots up
above
callsign Johnny Bravo and yes he stands
like this he could feel their on ease
listening to him over the radio so he
decides he was gonna go down below the
cloud and just have a look he tells his
wingmen hang out up here I’ll go see
what there is and he points us plane
down into the clouds and as he’s going
through the clouds the call comes over
the radio troops in contact
troops in contact is what they say when
they come under effective fire it means
they’re in trouble
so now Johnny Bravo points his plane
straight down the planes getting
thrashed about in the turbulence and
when he comes out below the clouds he’s
less than a thousand feet off the ground
and he’s flying in a valley cliffs on
both sides now this is only 2002 and the
planes were not yet equipped with
ground-hugging radar and worse they were
using old Russian maps that’s all they
had at the time and the site that greets
him is something like he’s never seen
before not in training and not in the
movies he sees tracer fire fire coming
from all sides of the valley pointed
right in the middle of where the
American forces are and so he picks the
point and starts to lay down a
suppressing fire and he’s flying and
he’s in danger of hitting the cliff of
course he knows his speed he knows his
distance from the map and he literally
counts out loud well he lays down the
suppressing fire one one
– one thousand three one thousand four
one thousand five one thousand pools
hard on the stick pulls back up into the
cloud comes down around again one one
thousand two one thousand three one
thousand four one thousand
good hits good hits it says over his
radio and again he comes around one one
thousand two one thousand three one
thousand four one thousand five one
thousand he runs out of ammunition fuel
is fine flies back up to the top of the
cloud tells his wingman you need to get
down there his wingman isn’t sure about
the condition so the two of them fly
back down together his wingman lays down
the suppressing fire and Johnny Bravo
counts as they fly three feet apart from
each other wing to wing one one thousand
two one thousand three one thousand four
one thousand five one thousand up and
around again one one thousand two one
thousand three one thousand four one
thousand five one thousand that night
twenty two Americans went home alive
with zero casualties my question is is
where do people like Johnny Bravo come
from who are they who would risk their
lives for others so that made they may
survive I asked Johnny Bravo I asked him
why why would you do it why would you
risk your life that others may survive
and he gave me the same answer that
everybody in his position gives because
they would have done it for me now if
you think about it in the military they
give medals to people who are willing to
sacrifice themselves that others may
gain in business we give bonuses to
people who are willing to sacrifice
others so that we may gain we have it
backwards wouldn’t you like to work in
an organization in which you have the
absolute confidence the absolute
knowledge that other people that you may
or may not know who work in the same
organization as you would be willing to
sacrifice themselves so that you may
survive and in and we’re not talking
about giving your life I mean we don’t
even like to give up credit you know so
where do people like Johnny Bravo come
from
well it’s an age-old question they’re
not born they’re actually made if you
look at the human animal the human
animal is like a machine there are
systems inside our bodies that are
trying to get us to do things that are
in the interests of the survival of the
human animal right just like in an
industry in the business and a company
if you want people to do something you
offer them some sort of positive or
negative incentive to direct the
behavior right so if you want people to
achieve a certain goal you offer them a
bonus if they achieve that goal and
they’ll work towards that goal because
they want the bonus it’s a very simple
system the human body works exactly the
same way it works exactly the same way
inside our bodies are chemicals that are
trying to get us to do things that are
in the best interest of us if you’ve
ever had a feeling of happiness pride
joy love fulfillment all of these
feelings that we have are chemically
produced feelings and they’re produced
by four chemicals predominantly these
are the basically responsible for all of
the feelings that I would generically
call happiness they are endorphins
dopamine serotonin and oxytocin ed so
these two chemicals endorphins and
dopamine I like to call these the
selfish chemicals but you don’t really
need anybody’s help to get them right
let me tell you let me tell you a little
bit about what they are endorphins
endorphins are designed to do one thing
and one thing only masks physical pain
that’s it
that’s what they do if you if you’re a
runner if you’ve ever gone and done a
heavy exercise you’ve heard of an
endorphin rush or a runner’s high
basically what’s happening is when that
runners out there pushing their bodies
harder than they’ve ever pushed before
they feel good and when they’re done
with their run they feel fantastic and
then an hour later they’re in pain
for damage they cause their muscles an
hour before right this is what
endorphins are designed to do they’re
designed to mask physical pain
the caveman reason for this stuff
because this stuff is all from 50,000
years ago understand homo sapien existed
at the same time as other hominid
species and yet we survived and they
didn’t what is it about this species
that’s so good at survival and thriving
look at the world we’ve built it’s not
just that we’re smart
we’re certainly not the strongest and
we’re certainly not the smartest it’s
that so we’re social animals we have to
do things together together we have to
look after each other and we have to
work together to ensure that we survive
that we do well this is how we’re
designed right these chemicals are
trying to make that happen
so in these caveman times 50,000 years
ago Paleolithic era we had to eat we’re
not the strongest we’re not the fastest
but there’s one thing that the human
animal is made for endurance we could
track an animal for hours and hours and
hours and miles and miles and miles and
if we were tired we’d keep going and if
we got injured or we had to bring the
food back to the cave we’d continue to
do it and it was so good it felt so good
that maybe we’d even volunteer to go
hunting the next day just like we get
addicted to exercise right oh my god it
was so much fun yesterday I will totally
go hunting tomorrow right good system
for the survival of the group good
system by the way the reason laughing
feels good is because of endorphins
you’re actually convulsing your internal
organs and endorphins are masking the
physical pain I’m sure everybody here
has laughed so much that the endorphins
eventually run out you go
stop stop it hurts endorphins they feel
good dopamine dopamine is the feeling
that you found something you’re looking
for or do you accomplish something you
set out to accomplish so you know that
feeling you get when you cross something
off your to-do list
that’s dopamine feels awesome you know
when you when you have a goal to hit and
you achieve that goal you’re like yes
you feel like you’ve won something right
that’s dopamine the whole purpose of
dopamine is to make sure that we get
stuff done right the historical reason
for dopamine we would never eat if we
only waited to get until we got hungry
because there’s no guarantee that we
would find food so dopamine exists to
help us go looking for food we get
dopamine when we eat which is one of the
reasons we like eating and so when you
see something that reminds you of
something that feels good we want to do
the behavior that helps us get that
feeling right so let’s say you’re out
there going for a walk and you see an
apple tree in the distance you get a
small hit of dopamine and then what it
does is it focuses us on our goals and
now we start walking towards
the apple tree and has the apple tree
starts to get a little bigger we feel
like we’re making progress
you get another little shut up dopamine
and another little shadow dopamine until
you get to the Train you’re like yes
okay this is why we’re told you must
write down your goals your goals must be
tangible there’s a there’s a biological
reason for that we we’re very very
visually oriented animals you have to be
able to see the goal for it to
biologically stay focused right if you
don’t write down your goals if you can’t
see your goals it’s very hard to get
motivated to get inspired for example
think about corporate visions right a
corporate vision is have to be something
we can see right that’s why it’s called
a vision you can see it right to be the
biggest most respected to be the
fastest-growing are not visions they’re
nothing right what does that even look
like respected by whom your mother
yourself your friends your shareholders
who knows what’s the metric dunno it’s
amorphis doesn’t motivate us just like I
can’t tell you you will get a bonus if
you achieve more you’re gonna ask me how
much more I’m gonna say more doesn’t
work you need a tangible goal you need a
tangible goal right here’s a great
vision Martin Luther King I have a dream
that one day little black children the
little white children will play on the
playground together and hold hands
together we can imagine that we can set
our sights on that and every time we
achieve a goal and achieve a metric and
achieve a milestone that makes us feel
like we’re making progress to the vision
we can see we keep going and going and
going until we achieve something
remarkable you have to be able to see it
dopamine
like I said dopamine is the feeling you
get when you set out to find something
you’re looking for as well I talked
about the to-do list I came home from a
trip just a couple days ago and I had a
bunch of errands to run and I wrote down
a little list of things I had to do and
off I went right and as I was walking
past I think I was a dragon wizard
remember I was walking past something I
remembered who I have to do that and I
hadn’t written it
I hadn’t written down on my to-do list
so I went in and I finished what I
needed to do and then when I came out I
then wrote it on my to-do list and then
crossed it out because I wanted the
dopamine comes with a warning dopamine
is highly highly highly addictive here
are some other things that release
dopamine alcohol nicotine gambling your
cell phone
oh you think I’m joking okay we’ve all
been told that you know if you wake up
in the morning and you crave a drink you
might be an alcoholic well if you wake
up in the morning the first thing you do
is check your phone before you even get
out of bed might be an addict if you
walk from room to room in your own
you might be an addict when you’re
driving in your car and you get a text
and your phone goes beep we we hate
email true we love the beep the buzz the
ding oh right you’ll be there in 10
minutes
and yet you have to look at it right now
you might be an addict and even if you
read it and it says are you free for
dinner next Thursday and you have to
reply immediately you can’t wait to ten
minutes you might be an addict and for
all you Gen Y is out there who like to
think that you’re better at multitasking
beause you grew up with the technology
then why do you keep crashing your cars
when you’re texting you’re not you’re
not better at multitasking you’re better
at getting distracted in fact if you
look at the statistics a DD and ADHD
have diagnosis of a DD and ADHD have
risen 66% in the past 10 years ok a DD
and ADHD is a frontal lobe disorder
right are you telling me out of nowhere
66 percent of our youth has the frontal
lobe problem where did that come from no
it’s a misdiagnosis right what what are
the what are the symptoms of a dopamine
addiction to technology distractibility
inability to get things done easily
easily distracted you know
shortness of attention it’s all the same
thing so we misdiagnosed things it’s
this it’s the addictive quality of
dopamine we can also get addicted to
performance in our companies when all
they do is give us numbers to hit
numbers to hit numbers to hit and a
bonus you get and a bonus you get and a
bonus you get all they’re doing is
feeding us with dopamine and we can’t
help ourselves all we do is want more
more MORE it’s no surprise that the
bank’s destroyed the economy because one
of the things we know about dopamine
addict is they will do anything to get
another hit sometimes at the sacrifice
of their own resources and their
relationships ask any alcoholic gambling
addict or drug addict as ask them how
their relationships are doing and if
they’ve squandered any of their
resources it’s an addiction dopamine is
dangerous if it is unbalanced it is
hugely helpful when in a comfortable and
balanced system but when unbalanced
it’s dangerous and it’s destructive you
don’t need anybody’s help to get these
go for a run
achieve your goals you’ll get dopamine
you’ll get endorphins but you won’t have
any feeling of fulfillment or love or
trust that’s where these come in these
are attempting to manage these this is
what makes our society great this is
where people like Johnny Bravo come from
it’s because of these two chemicals that
leaders really fulfill their great
responsibilities outside in the world is
danger at all times for various reasons
in caveman times that danger may have
been you know a saber-toothed tiger it
may have been the weather it may have
been a lack of resources it may have
been who knows any number of things
things that with no conscience are
trying to kill you they want to end your
life and so how do we survive we work
together and together we come together
in our groups and our companies and our
tribes to feel like we belong to be
around people who believe what we
believe so that we may feel safe when
we’re surrounded by people who have our
best interests in mind and we feel safe
we will organize ourselves and cooperate
to face the dangers externally don’t
forget the outside dangers are a
constant in a modern world the outside
dangers may be your competition that’s
trying to put you out of business or at
least steal your business it might be
the absent flows of the economy it might
be terrorism all of these unknowns all
trying to put you out of business take
away your job take away your livelihood
end it for you nothing personal it’s a
constant inside our organizations the
dangers we face are not a constant they
are a variable and they are the
decisions of leadership as to how safe
they make us feel when we go to work
this is the job of leaders ASA said it
better than I can there’s an Aesop fable
about four oxen that stand tail to tail
and whenever the lion tries to eat them
no matter what angle from which he
attacks he will always be met with horns
however due to infighting and
disagreements they separate and they go
and graze
in different parts of the field and one
by one the lion picks them off and kills
them all when we stand together we can
more easily face the dangers outside
when we break up inside our companies if
our leaders don’t allow us a space to
feel safe inside our own companies to
feel like we belong then we have to
we’re forced to exert our own energy to
protect ourselves from each other and by
the way expose ourselves to greater
danger from the outside if you have to
worry about politics if you have to
worry about someone stealing your credit
if you have to worry about your boss not
having your back think about the energy
you invest not in your business not in
the products you’re trying to develop
not in your work not in how great you’re
producing not in your creativity but in
just keeping yourself feeling safe this
is destructive the responsibilities of
leadership is two things one to
determine who gets in and who doesn’t
get in this is what it means to start
with why what are our values what are
our beliefs who can we allow in second
thing is to decide how big this is how
big do we make the circle of safety how
big do we make the circle of belonging
do we keep it around just our c-level
executives and call it an inner circle
and allow others to try and fend for
themselves and maybe try and get into
our inner circle or do we extend it to
the outermost edges of the organization
great leaders extend the circle of
safety the circle of belonging out to
the outermost edges so the most junior
person feels like they belong feels safe
feels like they have top cover from
somebody like Johnny Bravo that’s what
these other two chemicals are trying to
do serotonin is the leadership chemical
is the responsible for feelings of pride
and status when you this is why public
recognition is very important we are
social animals and we need the
recognition of others this is why we
have the Oscars and this is why we have
public awards events this is why we have
commencement for graduation I mean think
about it what does it really take to get
to graduate college you need to pay your
bills fulfill the minimum requirements
and and collect enough credits that’s it
right it’s a formula
you could get an email that says
congratulations you fulfilled all the
requirements for graduation
and closed please print out the PDF of
your diploma PS magna laude right
wouldn’t feel so good right so instead
we have a big ceremony to recognize the
accomplishment and in the audience we
put our family and our friends and our
teachers all of those in our tribe
who’ve supported us and watched our
backs as we’ve made it through and then
we show up on that day and we go up on
that stage and we take our diploma it
feels great
we feel our status rise we feel our
pride go up and by the way when you have
serotonin in your veins your confidence
goes up also and here’s the best part
about serotonin at the exact moment that
you took your diploma and you felt that
surge of serotonin go through your body
at the exact moment you’re parents
sitting in the audience also got a surge
of serotonin and also felt an intense
pride watching you graduate and this is
what serotonin is trying to do it is
trying to reinforce the relationship
between parent and child boss and
employee coach and player the caregiver
and the one who is is greta’s grateful
for the support they are given and think
about it do the speeches that we give if
you give an award to somebody what do
they say I couldn’t have done it I thank
God I thank my parents I thank my coach
we thank the person who we believed was
looking out for us we could not have
done this without them we say and they
look at us and they say it’s so proud of
you and we work to make them proud great
teams don’t want to win the trophy great
teams want to win one for the coach they
want to make the coach proud we want to
make our parents proud and it raises our
status and it raises our confidence and
it feels good and we in turn will look
after others so that they may accomplish
the same this is what serotonin is
trying desperately to do the problem is
you can trick serotonin we live in a
materialist society so we judge status
very often in our country based on how
much money you make right so any
conspicuous display of wealth raises
your status this is why they put the
logos on the outside
no good on the inside nobody can see
them we want the red line of our proud
of glasses how good you you own a pair
of designer shoes how good does it feel
to put on your Gucci shoes oh my god it
feels so good you walk out and you feel
a million bucks you can actually feel
your confidence rise when you put on you
put on the stuff right because it’s
showing this display of status it feels
great the problem is there was no real
relationship that was reinforced because
of it
you tricked the system that’s why we
keep trying to accomplish things and
accumulate more and more material goods
and yet we never feel successful because
there was no relationship we tricked it
we gained it serotonin is the leadership
chemical the reason I call it leadership
chemical is a historical reason a very
simple historical reason we had a very
practical problem as our animal was
developing as the Homo Sapien was
developing we lived in communities of
about a hundred and a hundred and fifty
people and there’s a very practical
issue which is if we’re hungry and
somebody brings back food and drop a
carcass on the floor we’re all gonna
rush in to eat and if you’re lucky
enough to be built like a linebacker
you will elbow your way to the front and
you get the elbow in the face not a good
system to keep the whole tribe alive and
definitely not a good system for
cooperation because remember the value
of group living means that if I trust
you and you trust me I can fall asleep
at night and trust that you will alert
me to danger if I don’t trust you I
can’t go to sleep at night it’s the same
in our companies if we trust each other
we will turn our backs we will take
risks we will innovate we will do things
that will change the course of our world
if I don’t trust you I can’t do that I
can’t do that there’s value in group
living and group working and so if
you’ve got an elbow in the face that
afternoon odds are very high that you’re
not gonna wake the guy who punched you
if dangers there you’re just not gonna
do it bad system and so we evolved into
hierarchical animals we’re constantly
assessing and judging each other
constantly arranging ourselves who’s the
Alpha who’s the dominant who’s
who sort of is the is that is the more
dominant personality or dominant talent
in the room in caveman times that might
have been physical muscle in the
creative industry might be talent in you
know the military it might be courage
there’s no standard by which we judge
alphas it’s relative to the industries
were in and it’s relative to us as well
if you’ve ever met someone and you were
nervous while you were meeting them
you’re not the alpha we’ve all had the
experience where we’re meeting somebody
and we can sense that they’re nervous
meeting us you’re the alpha I’ll tell
you a little aside that’s kind of funny
you know when women all live together
their menstrual cycles align right
assuming they’re not on the pill then it
doesn’t work right but if they’re not on
the pill that all the menstrual cycles
go together on the same schedule it’s
not arbitrary
they always align with the alpha females
schedule and the reason is is because
when a woman is in her menstrual cycle
she can’t bear children and so in
evolutionary terms you want the alpha
male the alpha female to to do it so you
can have alpha children right nice
strong strapping kids are gonna survive
but if she’s off the market that
produces competition so mother nature
has in created a very clever way that
when she’s off the market everyone’s off
back to the talk so we’re constantly
judging and assessing each other whose
alpha right and what we do is when we
assess that someone else is the Alpha we
voluntarily take a step back and allow
them to eat first alphas get first
choice of meat and first choice of mate
good system good system the Alpha gets
to eat first the rest of us may not get
the best cut of meat but we will get to
eat eventually and we won’t get an elbow
in the face good system will happily
alert them to danger later good system
this is why we’re constantly trying to
raise our status is because there are
benefits to being the Alpha people will
do things for us and step back and offer
us favors right we’re and we to this day
we’re perfectly comfortable giving
special treatment to our alphas no one
has a problem that your boss makes more
money than you you might think he’s an
ass but you don’t have a problem that he
makes more money nobody has a problem
that somebody outranked who outranks us
at work has a bigger office than us
doesn’t offend us it is deeply ingrained
in us we happily step aside and allow
our alphas first choice of meat and
first choice of mate it’s good to be the
king there are advantages that come with
being the Alpha you get special
treatment you get to eat first
people show you love and respect it
boosts the serotonin you walk around
like this and boosts your confidence
it’s awesome but comes at a cost
you see the group is not stupid
we’re not giving all of that stuff away
for free
leadership alpha comes at a cost
you see we expect that when danger
threatens us from the outside that the
person who’s actually stronger the
person who’s better fed and the person
who is actually teeming with serotonin
and actually has higher confidence that
the rest of us we expect them to run
towards the danger to protect us this is
what it means to be a leader the cost of
leadership is self-interest if you’re
not willing to give up your perks when
it matters then you probably shouldn’t
get promoted you might be an authority
but you will not be a leader leadership
comes at a
cost you don’t get to do less work when
you get more senior you have to do more
work and the more work you have to do is
put yourself at risk to look after
others that is the anthropological
definition of what a leader is this is
why we’re so offended by these banker
boys who pay themselves astronomical
salaries it has nothing to do with the
number it has to do with the fact that
they have violated a deep-seated social
contract we know that they made all of
that money and allowed their people to
be sacrificed in fact they may have
sacrificed their people for the money if
I told you we’re gonna give a hundred
and fifty million dollars to Nelson
Mandela but anyone have a problem with
that
nope two hundred and fifty million
dollars to mother Teresa got an issue
with it no it’s not the number it’s not
the amount of money they make it’s that
we are deeply and viscerally offended
that we know that we allowed them to
have this alpha position and they did
not fulfill their responsibility of the
Alpha they’re supposed to sacrifice
themselves for us never sacrifice us for
themselves this is why we’re angry and
offended and don’t trust them they fail
oxytocin this is the best chemical of
all oxytocin is the feeling of love and
trust and friendship it’s all the warm
and fuzzies it’s all the unicorns and
rainbows it’s the reason we like to
spend time with our friends even if we
don’t do anything with them we just sit
and watch TV we love their company I
promise you nearly every single person
sitting in this room today chose the
person they’re sitting next to you’re
not sitting next to a stranger you’re
sitting next to somebody you met came
with or or kind of know a little bit why
because it makes you feel safer doesn’t
it if you got up and went and sat next
to strangers wouldn’t feel so good
that’s the feeling of oxytocin oxytocin
is that intense feeling of safety that
someone’s got your back there are
multiple ways you can get oxytocin one
way to get it is physical contact
hugging feels wonderful right this when
women give birth to children huge surge
of oxytocin in their body this is what’s
responsible for the mother parent the
mother-child bond right it’s all that
oxytocin in the system this is why
shaking hands matters
imagine you’re doing the deal with
someone and you’re ready to sign the
contract and you say I’m so excited to
do business with you and they go I don’t
need to shake let’s sign the contract
I’m also excited to do business with you
you go great well let’s shake on it then
they go no no no I agree to all the
terms let’s get this deal done I can’t
wait to work with you there you might
get everything you want in the contract
but business relationships are not
rational they’re about feeling safe
they’re about feeling we belong it’s
human and one of the ways we want to
know that that relationship is
solidified is with physical touch
they’re simple refusal to touch you to
exchange that oxytocin means one of two
things will happen
you will either completely scuttle the
deal or you will go into it nervous
human bonds matter another way you can
get oxytocin is through acts of human
generosity an act of human generosity is
defined as giving of your time and
energy and X
affecting nothing in return money
doesn’t work sorry if I told you that
this morning I gave $1,000 to charity
what would you think of me you’d be like
good for you what do you want to metal
but if I told you that last Saturday I
gave up my day and I went and painted
schools in the inner city then what
would you think you’d be like nice cool
I should do more write the the value of
my labor much less than a thousand
dollars could have hired many more
people for a thousand dollars to go
paint schools in the inner city but you
see as human beings we put a premium on
time because it is an equal commodity
and it is a non redeemable commodity you
spend money you make money you spend
time you’ll never get it back some of
you are sitting in this room right now
saying I will never get this time back I
got nothing for you
so we put a premium on people who give
us their time and energy a leader who
says to you I’ll pay for something for
you is not a leader a leader comes and
sits down next to you and says how can I
help you is a leader I was talking to
some oil executives and they were trying
to convince me that they really care
about how fulfilled and how happy their
employees are at work to which I said no
you don’t and they said no we do and I
said no you don’t and they said yeah we
do you see how this win and I said I bet
you hired some high-priced consultancy
to come and do a web survey about
whether people like their jobs or not
and they said well we didn’t hire a
consultancy I said ok so it’s kind of
like sending your son an email right
dear son your mother and I care that you
feel like a valuable part of this family
please tell us candidly what we can do
better so that you feel like you belong
here because we really love you love dad
or you go into his room you sit on his
bed and you say hey son your mom and I
really care that you feel like a
valuable member of this family
please tell us candidly what we can do
better because we want you to feel like
you belong and we really love you same
words same intention same desire the
difference is one you gave time and
energy and the other one you didn’t this
is the problem with email it’s too easy
it’s too easy
there’s no time and energy expended
it’s too easy don’t feel anything if I
come to your house for dinner you make
me a lovely dinner the next day I send
you a very nice thank you email what a
wonderful host you are or three days
later you receive a handwritten note
from me with the exact same words that
were written in the email which one
makes you feel better and written note
the sentiment was the same the words
were the same the difference is one took
a little more time and a little more
energy leaders are the ones who give us
their time and give us their energy not
the ones who give us their money it
doesn’t count doesn’t work just
biologically doesn’t work this is how
you get oxytocin doing nice things for
people that require that you sacrifice a
little bit of time a little bit of
energy something you will never get back
and if you expect something in return
that you weren’t really giving in the
first place you take someone out for
dinner because you want them to hire you
you’re not really taking them out for
dinner you want something in return it’s
just a protracted transaction it’s not
relationship building it’s nonsense I
was walking down the streets of New York
true story and guy in front of me his
backpack opened a bunch of paper filled
spilled out on the on the street didn’t
think much of it I bent down gathered
the papers up handed them back to him
and pointed out that his bag it opened I
did a small act of generosity for
somebody I got a small burst of oxytocin
I felt good also the person on the
receiving end of the act of generosity
feels good they get a shot of oxytocin
he felt good he says thanks I get to the
end of the block and I’m standing
waiting to cross the street and a guy
who’s also happens to be standing
waiting to cross the street turns around
true story turns around and says to me I
saw what you did back there that was
as it turns out witnessing acts of human
generosity release oxytocin remember our
bodies are trying to get us to repeat
behaviors that are in our best interest
and it’s making us feel good when we see
or do acts of human generosity so that
we will do them in fact the more
oxytocin you have in your body the more
generous you actually become in others
the more you do the more you want to do
it gets better than that
lots of oxytocin in your body inhibits
addiction it makes it very difficult to
get addicted to something when you have
lots of oxytocin your body actually hits
addiction it boosts your immune system
it makes you healthier
that’s why happy people live longer it’s
why couples live longer
oxytocin it actually is good for us it
increases our ability to solve problems
it increases our creativity it’s really
good for us and it’s not addictive it
just feels great it takes time to build
up though you know if I went on a date
with a girl the other day there’s a
first date we totally got along great
we’re gonna get married why are you
laughing that’s my social life the
reason you laugh is because you
inherently know that I cannot form a
bond of trust strong enough to get
married in seven days you know that why
don’t you go in a couple more days but
inherently you know that right but if I
told you that I’ve been dating somebody
for seven years and we’re not married
yet what do you say what’s wrong
in other words we know that that bond of
trust takes more than seven days in less
than seven years don’t know how long it
takes them so when you start a new job
and you’re really excited to work there
and they’re really excited to have you
don’t quite feel like you belong you
don’t quite feel like you’re trusted yet
right even though you were really
excited they’re like it takes time and
you have to do little acts of generosity
and make little sacrifices do little
things for people not big risk small
risks it’s like dating you know you
don’t start by buying them a diamond you
start by taking them for lunch buying
them a drink you know little bits then
they take you out or they you take them
out again you do something a little
bigger then you do that in a movie then
they come over and then you buy them
flowers and then you say I love you and
one day you wake up in the morning it’s
like you press this belief button you
just I I’m in love I don’t know when it
happened just clicks and you feel like
you belong same thing at work same thing
at work it just clicks and you feel like
you belong because you got enough
oxytocin built up in your system
we don’t allow this to happen we’re too
busy sending emails we’re too busy
sending emails the next time you want to
tell somebody something email is
fantastic for the exchange of
information right it’s fantastic here’s
the report you wanted the meetings at
four o’clock fantastic what did you
think of my idea do not reply on an
email that’s an emotional question email
as a rational tool you get up from your
desk you walk the 30 feet and you say
wanted to tell you what I thought of
your idea and I promise you not only
will that information be better received
but you will start to create
relationship because oxytocin starts to
get released if you can’t get up and
walk 30 feet pick up the telephone I’ve
done it it’s an amazing thing you pick
up the phone you go hey they’re like hey
what’s the matter they’re like no I’m
wanted to tell you what I thought what
and people who tell me but I need a
paper trail have the conversation hang
up and say just to confirm what we
talked about boom there’s your paper
trail the reason we get so many emails
is because we reply to them all and
twelve emails are sent and then somebody
misunderstands something and somebody
gets angry and then you have to pick up
the phone and deal with it anyway – at
the beginning quicker easier better
biology give your time and give your
energy and this is why leadership is
really difficult because you can’t give
it to everyone because you don’t have
enough to give to everyone you just
can’t you have to make sure that you can
trust others to trust others to trust
others to trust others and this is what
happens in this circle of belonging in
the circle of safety this is what
effective bureaucracy is which is as the
CEO as the leader or whatever your job
is you have one responsibility and one
responsibility only which is to make
sure the people you know that you have
physical contact with you know their
names
our confident feel looked after and
encourage them to do the same for the
big ones who work beneath them who brew
neat work beneath them who work beneath
them and when this group of people
really feel safe then they will invite
in the customer to also feel safe they
will talk to these people as if they are
human I actually flew in an airline
recently and I it was I was appalled at
how I was treated it was disgusting I
was like cattle right and I said
something I said why do you treat people
like cattle and she literally said to me
I’m sorry sir I have to do it or I’ll
lose my job
what did she tell me my organization
that I work for it doesn’t make me feel
safe I don’t feel like I look like I
belong so I’m gonna treat you like dirt
to protect myself as opposed to somebody
who feel safe assist sir I will do
everything in my power to make sure that
you feel happy and good because I’m not
worried that’s called a highly effective
organization
there’s one more chemical I haven’t told
cortisol is the feeling of stress and
the feeling of anxiety we share these
chemicals with all the social mammals
and so when you see a herd of gizelle
you vall seen the documentary on
discovery or whatever right see a herd
of gazelle grazing and one of them
thinks they hear a rustle in the grass
and they go hey right
that’s what cortisol does cortisol is
designed to keep us alive it is the
first stage of fight-or-flight
it makes us paranoid it makes all of our
senses hyper attuned to look for danger
it injects glucose into our muscles to
make a stiff and ready to go in case we
need to fight or flight it increases our
heart rate like crazy right and it makes
us start looking it makes us paranoid to
find the danger and the cool thing about
cortisol when you work in social
environment is if other people sense
that you’re nervous they get nervous so
all the other gazelle go they didn’t
hear anything they just saw steam over
there it really freaked out and so they
got all freaked out and now they all
start looking for the danger good system
and one of them who didn’t even hear the
initial rustle in the grass sees the
lion runs they all run they all live
another day good system so that when we
go to work and somebody says I think
there’s gonna be layoffs all of us are
like what do you mean wait there’s gonna
be we’re all paranoid now we’re all free
I shouldn’t have talked in that meeting
ah we start to get crazy we start to get
paranoid our hearts start to race
so what cortisol does it’s trying to
keep us alive you wake up in the middle
of the night you hear a bump in the
middle of the night huh what’s the first
thing you do you wake the person next to
you and then what do they do they go and
if there’s nothing there you go and
trust your eyes right you go looking for
it we’re visual animals right if there’s
nothing there you go like this cortisol
leaves our body and we relax and a
heartbeat goes back down cortisol to get
all of that extra energy to make us
paranoid to make us self-interested it
needs to shut down non-essential systems
because it has to get it from somewhere
right so it shuts off things like growth
you don’t need your fingernails to grow
that moment shuts it off the other thing
it shuts off is our immune system don’t
need it in that moment the problem is
you’re not supposed to have cortisol in
your system all the time you’re supposed
to have it in and then gone and when we
go to work in a place that doesn’t make
us feel like we belong that doesn’t make
us feel safe when we’re at work guess
what we got little bits of cortisol
dripping in our body drip drip drip drip
makes his paranoid drip I know my boss
hates me I know he hates me I hate he
hates all my ideas I know it drip drip
it makes us self-interested one of the
things cortisol does it inhibits the
release of oxytocin biologically if you
work in a high-stress environment where
you don’t feel safe you were
biologically less empathetic and less
generous we don’t care about each other
because we’re too busy trying to protect
ourselves drip drip drip our immune
systems are now compromised drip drip
drip we live in the country with some of
the best medical education in the world
some of the best medical systems in the
world some of the best doctors in the
world some of the best hospitals in the
world some of the best medicines in the
world please explain to me why diabetes
is on the rise heart disease is on the
rise some cancers are on the rise it
ain’t hot partially hydrogenated oils
our jobs are killing us and the people
who responsible are the leaders and we
also know that parents who come home
stressed out their kids learn that this
is what work is that work is something
that makes you short-tempered and and
and unhappy and so they expect it as
they grow older worse we know that
parents who come home upset and angry it
has such a negative impact on their
children that there’s some studies that
show that they might actually become
bullies because of their unhappy parents
who hate their jobs and have excessive
amounts of stress our companies are
literally killing us so what are you
gonna do about it what are you gonna do
about it
leadership is not a ranked leadership is
not a position leadership is a decision
leadership is a choice it has nothing to
do with your position in the
organization if you decide to look after
the person to the left of you and look
after the person to the right of you you
have become a leader you’ve seen the
movie 300 right the Spartans the
greatest fighting force of all time you
want to know one of the things that made
the Spartans great wasn’t their muscles
wasn’t their spears it was their shields
they stood shield to shield and the
Phalanx was stronger because they all
those shields were big and they were
told when they were young children you
either bring your shield home or you
come home on your shield the punishment
for losing your shield was tremendous in
battle because if you lost your shield
that means you cannot protect the person
to the left of you and the person to the
right of you and you have destroyed the
failings
it’s the shield that matters not the
spear not the spear
it’s your willingness to sacrifice
yourself not your life maybe your credit
maybe you’re a little time maybe a
little energy maybe you’re tough you
know maybe getting up from your desk and
talk to somebody for 30 minutes instead
of sending a three-minute email it’s
your willingness to sacrifice for
someone to hold that shield up so that
they feel safe that makes you a leader
and you want to know how you beat a
dopamine addiction if you’re worried
that you’re addicted to performance and
all this dopamine things Alcoholics
Anonymous has been highly effective for
decades 80 something years we all know
the first step of the 12th steps we joke
about it right admit you have a problem
did you know the twelfth step don’t say
I’ll tell you what the twelfth step is
Alcoholics Anonymous knows that if you
master all eleven steps but not the
twelfth you will drink again if you
master the twelfth step you will beat
the disease
what’s the twelfth step the twelfth step
is the commitment to help another
alcoholic service service to another
oxytocin wins Sara Tosun wit serotonin
wins the more we look after each other
the safer we feel the more we feel like
we belong and the more we will work
together to confront the dangers outside
do this for others and others will become Johnny Bravo thanks very much
two a-10 warthogs an a-10 is a heavily
armoured low-flying slow aircraft
designed to provide ground cover for
troops on the ground and on this night
it’s a very very cloudy night the storms
in the area and these two planes hanging
up above just waiting in case anybody
down below needs help up there it’s
gorgeous the moon is bright the
thousands of stars in the sky the clouds
look like the snow had just fallen down
below in the valley however there were
22 Special Forces Special Operations
Forces troops trying to make their way
through the country and they could feel
that something was wrong they could feel
they felt uneasy one of the pilots up
above
callsign Johnny Bravo and yes he stands
like this he could feel their on ease
listening to him over the radio so he
decides he was gonna go down below the
cloud and just have a look he tells his
wingmen hang out up here I’ll go see
what there is and he points us plane
down into the clouds and as he’s going
through the clouds the call comes over
the radio troops in contact
troops in contact is what they say when
they come under effective fire it means
they’re in trouble
so now Johnny Bravo points his plane
straight down the planes getting
thrashed about in the turbulence and
when he comes out below the clouds he’s
less than a thousand feet off the ground
and he’s flying in a valley cliffs on
both sides now this is only 2002 and the
planes were not yet equipped with
ground-hugging radar and worse they were
using old Russian maps that’s all they
had at the time and the site that greets
him is something like he’s never seen
before not in training and not in the
movies he sees tracer fire fire coming
from all sides of the valley pointed
right in the middle of where the
American forces are and so he picks the
point and starts to lay down a
suppressing fire and he’s flying and
he’s in danger of hitting the cliff of
course he knows his speed he knows his
distance from the map and he literally
counts out loud well he lays down the
suppressing fire one one
– one thousand three one thousand four
one thousand five one thousand pools
hard on the stick pulls back up into the
cloud comes down around again one one
thousand two one thousand three one
thousand four one thousand
good hits good hits it says over his
radio and again he comes around one one
thousand two one thousand three one
thousand four one thousand five one
thousand he runs out of ammunition fuel
is fine flies back up to the top of the
cloud tells his wingman you need to get
down there his wingman isn’t sure about
the condition so the two of them fly
back down together his wingman lays down
the suppressing fire and Johnny Bravo
counts as they fly three feet apart from
each other wing to wing one one thousand
two one thousand three one thousand four
one thousand five one thousand up and
around again one one thousand two one
thousand three one thousand four one
thousand five one thousand that night
twenty two Americans went home alive
with zero casualties my question is is
where do people like Johnny Bravo come
from who are they who would risk their
lives for others so that made they may
survive I asked Johnny Bravo I asked him
why why would you do it why would you
risk your life that others may survive
and he gave me the same answer that
everybody in his position gives because
they would have done it for me now if
you think about it in the military they
give medals to people who are willing to
sacrifice themselves that others may
gain in business we give bonuses to
people who are willing to sacrifice
others so that we may gain we have it
backwards wouldn’t you like to work in
an organization in which you have the
absolute confidence the absolute
knowledge that other people that you may
or may not know who work in the same
organization as you would be willing to
sacrifice themselves so that you may
survive and in and we’re not talking
about giving your life I mean we don’t
even like to give up credit you know so
where do people like Johnny Bravo come
from
well it’s an age-old question they’re
not born they’re actually made if you
look at the human animal the human
animal is like a machine there are
systems inside our bodies that are
trying to get us to do things that are
in the interests of the survival of the
human animal right just like in an
industry in the business and a company
if you want people to do something you
offer them some sort of positive or
negative incentive to direct the
behavior right so if you want people to
achieve a certain goal you offer them a
bonus if they achieve that goal and
they’ll work towards that goal because
they want the bonus it’s a very simple
system the human body works exactly the
same way it works exactly the same way
inside our bodies are chemicals that are
trying to get us to do things that are
in the best interest of us if you’ve
ever had a feeling of happiness pride
joy love fulfillment all of these
feelings that we have are chemically
produced feelings and they’re produced
by four chemicals predominantly these
are the basically responsible for all of
the feelings that I would generically
call happiness they are endorphins
dopamine serotonin and oxytocin ed so
these two chemicals endorphins and
dopamine I like to call these the
selfish chemicals but you don’t really
need anybody’s help to get them right
let me tell you let me tell you a little
bit about what they are endorphins
endorphins are designed to do one thing
and one thing only masks physical pain
that’s it
that’s what they do if you if you’re a
runner if you’ve ever gone and done a
heavy exercise you’ve heard of an
endorphin rush or a runner’s high
basically what’s happening is when that
runners out there pushing their bodies
harder than they’ve ever pushed before
they feel good and when they’re done
with their run they feel fantastic and
then an hour later they’re in pain
for damage they cause their muscles an
hour before right this is what
endorphins are designed to do they’re
designed to mask physical pain
the caveman reason for this stuff
because this stuff is all from 50,000
years ago understand homo sapien existed
at the same time as other hominid
species and yet we survived and they
didn’t what is it about this species
that’s so good at survival and thriving
look at the world we’ve built it’s not
just that we’re smart
we’re certainly not the strongest and
we’re certainly not the smartest it’s
that so we’re social animals we have to
do things together together we have to
look after each other and we have to
work together to ensure that we survive
that we do well this is how we’re
designed right these chemicals are
trying to make that happen
so in these caveman times 50,000 years
ago Paleolithic era we had to eat we’re
not the strongest we’re not the fastest
but there’s one thing that the human
animal is made for endurance we could
track an animal for hours and hours and
hours and miles and miles and miles and
if we were tired we’d keep going and if
we got injured or we had to bring the
food back to the cave we’d continue to
do it and it was so good it felt so good
that maybe we’d even volunteer to go
hunting the next day just like we get
addicted to exercise right oh my god it
was so much fun yesterday I will totally
go hunting tomorrow right good system
for the survival of the group good
system by the way the reason laughing
feels good is because of endorphins
you’re actually convulsing your internal
organs and endorphins are masking the
physical pain I’m sure everybody here
has laughed so much that the endorphins
eventually run out you go
stop stop it hurts endorphins they feel
good dopamine dopamine is the feeling
that you found something you’re looking
for or do you accomplish something you
set out to accomplish so you know that
feeling you get when you cross something
off your to-do list
that’s dopamine feels awesome you know
when you when you have a goal to hit and
you achieve that goal you’re like yes
you feel like you’ve won something right
that’s dopamine the whole purpose of
dopamine is to make sure that we get
stuff done right the historical reason
for dopamine we would never eat if we
only waited to get until we got hungry
because there’s no guarantee that we
would find food so dopamine exists to
help us go looking for food we get
dopamine when we eat which is one of the
reasons we like eating and so when you
see something that reminds you of
something that feels good we want to do
the behavior that helps us get that
feeling right so let’s say you’re out
there going for a walk and you see an
apple tree in the distance you get a
small hit of dopamine and then what it
does is it focuses us on our goals and
now we start walking towards
the apple tree and has the apple tree
starts to get a little bigger we feel
like we’re making progress
you get another little shut up dopamine
and another little shadow dopamine until
you get to the Train you’re like yes
okay this is why we’re told you must
write down your goals your goals must be
tangible there’s a there’s a biological
reason for that we we’re very very
visually oriented animals you have to be
able to see the goal for it to
biologically stay focused right if you
don’t write down your goals if you can’t
see your goals it’s very hard to get
motivated to get inspired for example
think about corporate visions right a
corporate vision is have to be something
we can see right that’s why it’s called
a vision you can see it right to be the
biggest most respected to be the
fastest-growing are not visions they’re
nothing right what does that even look
like respected by whom your mother
yourself your friends your shareholders
who knows what’s the metric dunno it’s
amorphis doesn’t motivate us just like I
can’t tell you you will get a bonus if
you achieve more you’re gonna ask me how
much more I’m gonna say more doesn’t
work you need a tangible goal you need a
tangible goal right here’s a great
vision Martin Luther King I have a dream
that one day little black children the
little white children will play on the
playground together and hold hands
together we can imagine that we can set
our sights on that and every time we
achieve a goal and achieve a metric and
achieve a milestone that makes us feel
like we’re making progress to the vision
we can see we keep going and going and
going until we achieve something
remarkable you have to be able to see it
dopamine
like I said dopamine is the feeling you
get when you set out to find something
you’re looking for as well I talked
about the to-do list I came home from a
trip just a couple days ago and I had a
bunch of errands to run and I wrote down
a little list of things I had to do and
off I went right and as I was walking
past I think I was a dragon wizard
remember I was walking past something I
remembered who I have to do that and I
hadn’t written it
I hadn’t written down on my to-do list
so I went in and I finished what I
needed to do and then when I came out I
then wrote it on my to-do list and then
crossed it out because I wanted the
dopamine comes with a warning dopamine
is highly highly highly addictive here
are some other things that release
dopamine alcohol nicotine gambling your
cell phone
oh you think I’m joking okay we’ve all
been told that you know if you wake up
in the morning and you crave a drink you
might be an alcoholic well if you wake
up in the morning the first thing you do
is check your phone before you even get
out of bed might be an addict if you
walk from room to room in your own
you might be an addict when you’re
driving in your car and you get a text
and your phone goes beep we we hate
email true we love the beep the buzz the
ding oh right you’ll be there in 10
minutes
and yet you have to look at it right now
you might be an addict and even if you
read it and it says are you free for
dinner next Thursday and you have to
reply immediately you can’t wait to ten
minutes you might be an addict and for
all you Gen Y is out there who like to
think that you’re better at multitasking
beause you grew up with the technology
then why do you keep crashing your cars
when you’re texting you’re not you’re
not better at multitasking you’re better
at getting distracted in fact if you
look at the statistics a DD and ADHD
have diagnosis of a DD and ADHD have
risen 66% in the past 10 years ok a DD
and ADHD is a frontal lobe disorder
right are you telling me out of nowhere
66 percent of our youth has the frontal
lobe problem where did that come from no
it’s a misdiagnosis right what what are
the what are the symptoms of a dopamine
addiction to technology distractibility
inability to get things done easily
easily distracted you know
shortness of attention it’s all the same
thing so we misdiagnosed things it’s
this it’s the addictive quality of
dopamine we can also get addicted to
performance in our companies when all
they do is give us numbers to hit
numbers to hit numbers to hit and a
bonus you get and a bonus you get and a
bonus you get all they’re doing is
feeding us with dopamine and we can’t
help ourselves all we do is want more
more MORE it’s no surprise that the
bank’s destroyed the economy because one
of the things we know about dopamine
addict is they will do anything to get
another hit sometimes at the sacrifice
of their own resources and their
relationships ask any alcoholic gambling
addict or drug addict as ask them how
their relationships are doing and if
they’ve squandered any of their
resources it’s an addiction dopamine is
dangerous if it is unbalanced it is
hugely helpful when in a comfortable and
balanced system but when unbalanced
it’s dangerous and it’s destructive you
don’t need anybody’s help to get these
go for a run
achieve your goals you’ll get dopamine
you’ll get endorphins but you won’t have
any feeling of fulfillment or love or
trust that’s where these come in these
are attempting to manage these this is
what makes our society great this is
where people like Johnny Bravo come from
it’s because of these two chemicals that
leaders really fulfill their great
responsibilities outside in the world is
danger at all times for various reasons
in caveman times that danger may have
been you know a saber-toothed tiger it
may have been the weather it may have
been a lack of resources it may have
been who knows any number of things
things that with no conscience are
trying to kill you they want to end your
life and so how do we survive we work
together and together we come together
in our groups and our companies and our
tribes to feel like we belong to be
around people who believe what we
believe so that we may feel safe when
we’re surrounded by people who have our
best interests in mind and we feel safe
we will organize ourselves and cooperate
to face the dangers externally don’t
forget the outside dangers are a
constant in a modern world the outside
dangers may be your competition that’s
trying to put you out of business or at
least steal your business it might be
the absent flows of the economy it might
be terrorism all of these unknowns all
trying to put you out of business take
away your job take away your livelihood
end it for you nothing personal it’s a
constant inside our organizations the
dangers we face are not a constant they
are a variable and they are the
decisions of leadership as to how safe
they make us feel when we go to work
this is the job of leaders ASA said it
better than I can there’s an Aesop fable
about four oxen that stand tail to tail
and whenever the lion tries to eat them
no matter what angle from which he
attacks he will always be met with horns
however due to infighting and
disagreements they separate and they go
and graze
in different parts of the field and one
by one the lion picks them off and kills
them all when we stand together we can
more easily face the dangers outside
when we break up inside our companies if
our leaders don’t allow us a space to
feel safe inside our own companies to
feel like we belong then we have to
we’re forced to exert our own energy to
protect ourselves from each other and by
the way expose ourselves to greater
danger from the outside if you have to
worry about politics if you have to
worry about someone stealing your credit
if you have to worry about your boss not
having your back think about the energy
you invest not in your business not in
the products you’re trying to develop
not in your work not in how great you’re
producing not in your creativity but in
just keeping yourself feeling safe this
is destructive the responsibilities of
leadership is two things one to
determine who gets in and who doesn’t
get in this is what it means to start
with why what are our values what are
our beliefs who can we allow in second
thing is to decide how big this is how
big do we make the circle of safety how
big do we make the circle of belonging
do we keep it around just our c-level
executives and call it an inner circle
and allow others to try and fend for
themselves and maybe try and get into
our inner circle or do we extend it to
the outermost edges of the organization
great leaders extend the circle of
safety the circle of belonging out to
the outermost edges so the most junior
person feels like they belong feels safe
feels like they have top cover from
somebody like Johnny Bravo that’s what
these other two chemicals are trying to
do serotonin is the leadership chemical
is the responsible for feelings of pride
and status when you this is why public
recognition is very important we are
social animals and we need the
recognition of others this is why we
have the Oscars and this is why we have
public awards events this is why we have
commencement for graduation I mean think
about it what does it really take to get
to graduate college you need to pay your
bills fulfill the minimum requirements
and and collect enough credits that’s it
right it’s a formula
you could get an email that says
congratulations you fulfilled all the
requirements for graduation
and closed please print out the PDF of
your diploma PS magna laude right
wouldn’t feel so good right so instead
we have a big ceremony to recognize the
accomplishment and in the audience we
put our family and our friends and our
teachers all of those in our tribe
who’ve supported us and watched our
backs as we’ve made it through and then
we show up on that day and we go up on
that stage and we take our diploma it
feels great
we feel our status rise we feel our
pride go up and by the way when you have
serotonin in your veins your confidence
goes up also and here’s the best part
about serotonin at the exact moment that
you took your diploma and you felt that
surge of serotonin go through your body
at the exact moment you’re parents
sitting in the audience also got a surge
of serotonin and also felt an intense
pride watching you graduate and this is
what serotonin is trying to do it is
trying to reinforce the relationship
between parent and child boss and
employee coach and player the caregiver
and the one who is is greta’s grateful
for the support they are given and think
about it do the speeches that we give if
you give an award to somebody what do
they say I couldn’t have done it I thank
God I thank my parents I thank my coach
we thank the person who we believed was
looking out for us we could not have
done this without them we say and they
look at us and they say it’s so proud of
you and we work to make them proud great
teams don’t want to win the trophy great
teams want to win one for the coach they
want to make the coach proud we want to
make our parents proud and it raises our
status and it raises our confidence and
it feels good and we in turn will look
after others so that they may accomplish
the same this is what serotonin is
trying desperately to do the problem is
you can trick serotonin we live in a
materialist society so we judge status
very often in our country based on how
much money you make right so any
conspicuous display of wealth raises
your status this is why they put the
logos on the outside
no good on the inside nobody can see
them we want the red line of our proud
of glasses how good you you own a pair
of designer shoes how good does it feel
to put on your Gucci shoes oh my god it
feels so good you walk out and you feel
a million bucks you can actually feel
your confidence rise when you put on you
put on the stuff right because it’s
showing this display of status it feels
great the problem is there was no real
relationship that was reinforced because
of it
you tricked the system that’s why we
keep trying to accomplish things and
accumulate more and more material goods
and yet we never feel successful because
there was no relationship we tricked it
we gained it serotonin is the leadership
chemical the reason I call it leadership
chemical is a historical reason a very
simple historical reason we had a very
practical problem as our animal was
developing as the Homo Sapien was
developing we lived in communities of
about a hundred and a hundred and fifty
people and there’s a very practical
issue which is if we’re hungry and
somebody brings back food and drop a
carcass on the floor we’re all gonna
rush in to eat and if you’re lucky
enough to be built like a linebacker
you will elbow your way to the front and
you get the elbow in the face not a good
system to keep the whole tribe alive and
definitely not a good system for
cooperation because remember the value
of group living means that if I trust
you and you trust me I can fall asleep
at night and trust that you will alert
me to danger if I don’t trust you I
can’t go to sleep at night it’s the same
in our companies if we trust each other
we will turn our backs we will take
risks we will innovate we will do things
that will change the course of our world
if I don’t trust you I can’t do that I
can’t do that there’s value in group
living and group working and so if
you’ve got an elbow in the face that
afternoon odds are very high that you’re
not gonna wake the guy who punched you
if dangers there you’re just not gonna
do it bad system and so we evolved into
hierarchical animals we’re constantly
assessing and judging each other
constantly arranging ourselves who’s the
Alpha who’s the dominant who’s
who sort of is the is that is the more
dominant personality or dominant talent
in the room in caveman times that might
have been physical muscle in the
creative industry might be talent in you
know the military it might be courage
there’s no standard by which we judge
alphas it’s relative to the industries
were in and it’s relative to us as well
if you’ve ever met someone and you were
nervous while you were meeting them
you’re not the alpha we’ve all had the
experience where we’re meeting somebody
and we can sense that they’re nervous
meeting us you’re the alpha I’ll tell
you a little aside that’s kind of funny
you know when women all live together
their menstrual cycles align right
assuming they’re not on the pill then it
doesn’t work right but if they’re not on
the pill that all the menstrual cycles
go together on the same schedule it’s
not arbitrary
they always align with the alpha females
schedule and the reason is is because
when a woman is in her menstrual cycle
she can’t bear children and so in
evolutionary terms you want the alpha
male the alpha female to to do it so you
can have alpha children right nice
strong strapping kids are gonna survive
but if she’s off the market that
produces competition so mother nature
has in created a very clever way that
when she’s off the market everyone’s off
back to the talk so we’re constantly
judging and assessing each other whose
alpha right and what we do is when we
assess that someone else is the Alpha we
voluntarily take a step back and allow
them to eat first alphas get first
choice of meat and first choice of mate
good system good system the Alpha gets
to eat first the rest of us may not get
the best cut of meat but we will get to
eat eventually and we won’t get an elbow
in the face good system will happily
alert them to danger later good system
this is why we’re constantly trying to
raise our status is because there are
benefits to being the Alpha people will
do things for us and step back and offer
us favors right we’re and we to this day
we’re perfectly comfortable giving
special treatment to our alphas no one
has a problem that your boss makes more
money than you you might think he’s an
ass but you don’t have a problem that he
makes more money nobody has a problem
that somebody outranked who outranks us
at work has a bigger office than us
doesn’t offend us it is deeply ingrained
in us we happily step aside and allow
our alphas first choice of meat and
first choice of mate it’s good to be the
king there are advantages that come with
being the Alpha you get special
treatment you get to eat first
people show you love and respect it
boosts the serotonin you walk around
like this and boosts your confidence
it’s awesome but comes at a cost
you see the group is not stupid
we’re not giving all of that stuff away
for free
leadership alpha comes at a cost
you see we expect that when danger
threatens us from the outside that the
person who’s actually stronger the
person who’s better fed and the person
who is actually teeming with serotonin
and actually has higher confidence that
the rest of us we expect them to run
towards the danger to protect us this is
what it means to be a leader the cost of
leadership is self-interest if you’re
not willing to give up your perks when
it matters then you probably shouldn’t
get promoted you might be an authority
but you will not be a leader leadership
comes at a
cost you don’t get to do less work when
you get more senior you have to do more
work and the more work you have to do is
put yourself at risk to look after
others that is the anthropological
definition of what a leader is this is
why we’re so offended by these banker
boys who pay themselves astronomical
salaries it has nothing to do with the
number it has to do with the fact that
they have violated a deep-seated social
contract we know that they made all of
that money and allowed their people to
be sacrificed in fact they may have
sacrificed their people for the money if
I told you we’re gonna give a hundred
and fifty million dollars to Nelson
Mandela but anyone have a problem with
that
nope two hundred and fifty million
dollars to mother Teresa got an issue
with it no it’s not the number it’s not
the amount of money they make it’s that
we are deeply and viscerally offended
that we know that we allowed them to
have this alpha position and they did
not fulfill their responsibility of the
Alpha they’re supposed to sacrifice
themselves for us never sacrifice us for
themselves this is why we’re angry and
offended and don’t trust them they fail
oxytocin this is the best chemical of
all oxytocin is the feeling of love and
trust and friendship it’s all the warm
and fuzzies it’s all the unicorns and
rainbows it’s the reason we like to
spend time with our friends even if we
don’t do anything with them we just sit
and watch TV we love their company I
promise you nearly every single person
sitting in this room today chose the
person they’re sitting next to you’re
not sitting next to a stranger you’re
sitting next to somebody you met came
with or or kind of know a little bit why
because it makes you feel safer doesn’t
it if you got up and went and sat next
to strangers wouldn’t feel so good
that’s the feeling of oxytocin oxytocin
is that intense feeling of safety that
someone’s got your back there are
multiple ways you can get oxytocin one
way to get it is physical contact
hugging feels wonderful right this when
women give birth to children huge surge
of oxytocin in their body this is what’s
responsible for the mother parent the
mother-child bond right it’s all that
oxytocin in the system this is why
shaking hands matters
imagine you’re doing the deal with
someone and you’re ready to sign the
contract and you say I’m so excited to
do business with you and they go I don’t
need to shake let’s sign the contract
I’m also excited to do business with you
you go great well let’s shake on it then
they go no no no I agree to all the
terms let’s get this deal done I can’t
wait to work with you there you might
get everything you want in the contract
but business relationships are not
rational they’re about feeling safe
they’re about feeling we belong it’s
human and one of the ways we want to
know that that relationship is
solidified is with physical touch
they’re simple refusal to touch you to
exchange that oxytocin means one of two
things will happen
you will either completely scuttle the
deal or you will go into it nervous
human bonds matter another way you can
get oxytocin is through acts of human
generosity an act of human generosity is
defined as giving of your time and
energy and X
affecting nothing in return money
doesn’t work sorry if I told you that
this morning I gave $1,000 to charity
what would you think of me you’d be like
good for you what do you want to metal
but if I told you that last Saturday I
gave up my day and I went and painted
schools in the inner city then what
would you think you’d be like nice cool
I should do more write the the value of
my labor much less than a thousand
dollars could have hired many more
people for a thousand dollars to go
paint schools in the inner city but you
see as human beings we put a premium on
time because it is an equal commodity
and it is a non redeemable commodity you
spend money you make money you spend
time you’ll never get it back some of
you are sitting in this room right now
saying I will never get this time back I
got nothing for you
so we put a premium on people who give
us their time and energy a leader who
says to you I’ll pay for something for
you is not a leader a leader comes and
sits down next to you and says how can I
help you is a leader I was talking to
some oil executives and they were trying
to convince me that they really care
about how fulfilled and how happy their
employees are at work to which I said no
you don’t and they said no we do and I
said no you don’t and they said yeah we
do you see how this win and I said I bet
you hired some high-priced consultancy
to come and do a web survey about
whether people like their jobs or not
and they said well we didn’t hire a
consultancy I said ok so it’s kind of
like sending your son an email right
dear son your mother and I care that you
feel like a valuable part of this family
please tell us candidly what we can do
better so that you feel like you belong
here because we really love you love dad
or you go into his room you sit on his
bed and you say hey son your mom and I
really care that you feel like a
valuable member of this family
please tell us candidly what we can do
better because we want you to feel like
you belong and we really love you same
words same intention same desire the
difference is one you gave time and
energy and the other one you didn’t this
is the problem with email it’s too easy
it’s too easy
there’s no time and energy expended
it’s too easy don’t feel anything if I
come to your house for dinner you make
me a lovely dinner the next day I send
you a very nice thank you email what a
wonderful host you are or three days
later you receive a handwritten note
from me with the exact same words that
were written in the email which one
makes you feel better and written note
the sentiment was the same the words
were the same the difference is one took
a little more time and a little more
energy leaders are the ones who give us
their time and give us their energy not
the ones who give us their money it
doesn’t count doesn’t work just
biologically doesn’t work this is how
you get oxytocin doing nice things for
people that require that you sacrifice a
little bit of time a little bit of
energy something you will never get back
and if you expect something in return
that you weren’t really giving in the
first place you take someone out for
dinner because you want them to hire you
you’re not really taking them out for
dinner you want something in return it’s
just a protracted transaction it’s not
relationship building it’s nonsense I
was walking down the streets of New York
true story and guy in front of me his
backpack opened a bunch of paper filled
spilled out on the on the street didn’t
think much of it I bent down gathered
the papers up handed them back to him
and pointed out that his bag it opened I
did a small act of generosity for
somebody I got a small burst of oxytocin
I felt good also the person on the
receiving end of the act of generosity
feels good they get a shot of oxytocin
he felt good he says thanks I get to the
end of the block and I’m standing
waiting to cross the street and a guy
who’s also happens to be standing
waiting to cross the street turns around
true story turns around and says to me I
saw what you did back there that was
as it turns out witnessing acts of human
generosity release oxytocin remember our
bodies are trying to get us to repeat
behaviors that are in our best interest
and it’s making us feel good when we see
or do acts of human generosity so that
we will do them in fact the more
oxytocin you have in your body the more
generous you actually become in others
the more you do the more you want to do
it gets better than that
lots of oxytocin in your body inhibits
addiction it makes it very difficult to
get addicted to something when you have
lots of oxytocin your body actually hits
addiction it boosts your immune system
it makes you healthier
that’s why happy people live longer it’s
why couples live longer
oxytocin it actually is good for us it
increases our ability to solve problems
it increases our creativity it’s really
good for us and it’s not addictive it
just feels great it takes time to build
up though you know if I went on a date
with a girl the other day there’s a
first date we totally got along great
we’re gonna get married why are you
laughing that’s my social life the
reason you laugh is because you
inherently know that I cannot form a
bond of trust strong enough to get
married in seven days you know that why
don’t you go in a couple more days but
inherently you know that right but if I
told you that I’ve been dating somebody
for seven years and we’re not married
yet what do you say what’s wrong
in other words we know that that bond of
trust takes more than seven days in less
than seven years don’t know how long it
takes them so when you start a new job
and you’re really excited to work there
and they’re really excited to have you
don’t quite feel like you belong you
don’t quite feel like you’re trusted yet
right even though you were really
excited they’re like it takes time and
you have to do little acts of generosity
and make little sacrifices do little
things for people not big risk small
risks it’s like dating you know you
don’t start by buying them a diamond you
start by taking them for lunch buying
them a drink you know little bits then
they take you out or they you take them
out again you do something a little
bigger then you do that in a movie then
they come over and then you buy them
flowers and then you say I love you and
one day you wake up in the morning it’s
like you press this belief button you
just I I’m in love I don’t know when it
happened just clicks and you feel like
you belong same thing at work same thing
at work it just clicks and you feel like
you belong because you got enough
oxytocin built up in your system
we don’t allow this to happen we’re too
busy sending emails we’re too busy
sending emails the next time you want to
tell somebody something email is
fantastic for the exchange of
information right it’s fantastic here’s
the report you wanted the meetings at
four o’clock fantastic what did you
think of my idea do not reply on an
email that’s an emotional question email
as a rational tool you get up from your
desk you walk the 30 feet and you say
wanted to tell you what I thought of
your idea and I promise you not only
will that information be better received
but you will start to create
relationship because oxytocin starts to
get released if you can’t get up and
walk 30 feet pick up the telephone I’ve
done it it’s an amazing thing you pick
up the phone you go hey they’re like hey
what’s the matter they’re like no I’m
wanted to tell you what I thought what
and people who tell me but I need a
paper trail have the conversation hang
up and say just to confirm what we
talked about boom there’s your paper
trail the reason we get so many emails
is because we reply to them all and
twelve emails are sent and then somebody
misunderstands something and somebody
gets angry and then you have to pick up
the phone and deal with it anyway – at
the beginning quicker easier better
biology give your time and give your
energy and this is why leadership is
really difficult because you can’t give
it to everyone because you don’t have
enough to give to everyone you just
can’t you have to make sure that you can
trust others to trust others to trust
others to trust others and this is what
happens in this circle of belonging in
the circle of safety this is what
effective bureaucracy is which is as the
CEO as the leader or whatever your job
is you have one responsibility and one
responsibility only which is to make
sure the people you know that you have
physical contact with you know their
names
our confident feel looked after and
encourage them to do the same for the
big ones who work beneath them who brew
neat work beneath them who work beneath
them and when this group of people
really feel safe then they will invite
in the customer to also feel safe they
will talk to these people as if they are
human I actually flew in an airline
recently and I it was I was appalled at
how I was treated it was disgusting I
was like cattle right and I said
something I said why do you treat people
like cattle and she literally said to me
I’m sorry sir I have to do it or I’ll
lose my job
what did she tell me my organization
that I work for it doesn’t make me feel
safe I don’t feel like I look like I
belong so I’m gonna treat you like dirt
to protect myself as opposed to somebody
who feel safe assist sir I will do
everything in my power to make sure that
you feel happy and good because I’m not
worried that’s called a highly effective
organization
there’s one more chemical I haven’t told
cortisol is the feeling of stress and
the feeling of anxiety we share these
chemicals with all the social mammals
and so when you see a herd of gizelle
you vall seen the documentary on
discovery or whatever right see a herd
of gazelle grazing and one of them
thinks they hear a rustle in the grass
and they go hey right
that’s what cortisol does cortisol is
designed to keep us alive it is the
first stage of fight-or-flight
it makes us paranoid it makes all of our
senses hyper attuned to look for danger
it injects glucose into our muscles to
make a stiff and ready to go in case we
need to fight or flight it increases our
heart rate like crazy right and it makes
us start looking it makes us paranoid to
find the danger and the cool thing about
cortisol when you work in social
environment is if other people sense
that you’re nervous they get nervous so
all the other gazelle go they didn’t
hear anything they just saw steam over
there it really freaked out and so they
got all freaked out and now they all
start looking for the danger good system
and one of them who didn’t even hear the
initial rustle in the grass sees the
lion runs they all run they all live
another day good system so that when we
go to work and somebody says I think
there’s gonna be layoffs all of us are
like what do you mean wait there’s gonna
be we’re all paranoid now we’re all free
I shouldn’t have talked in that meeting
ah we start to get crazy we start to get
paranoid our hearts start to race
so what cortisol does it’s trying to
keep us alive you wake up in the middle
of the night you hear a bump in the
middle of the night huh what’s the first
thing you do you wake the person next to
you and then what do they do they go and
if there’s nothing there you go and
trust your eyes right you go looking for
it we’re visual animals right if there’s
nothing there you go like this cortisol
leaves our body and we relax and a
heartbeat goes back down cortisol to get
all of that extra energy to make us
paranoid to make us self-interested it
needs to shut down non-essential systems
because it has to get it from somewhere
right so it shuts off things like growth
you don’t need your fingernails to grow
that moment shuts it off the other thing
it shuts off is our immune system don’t
need it in that moment the problem is
you’re not supposed to have cortisol in
your system all the time you’re supposed
to have it in and then gone and when we
go to work in a place that doesn’t make
us feel like we belong that doesn’t make
us feel safe when we’re at work guess
what we got little bits of cortisol
dripping in our body drip drip drip drip
makes his paranoid drip I know my boss
hates me I know he hates me I hate he
hates all my ideas I know it drip drip
it makes us self-interested one of the
things cortisol does it inhibits the
release of oxytocin biologically if you
work in a high-stress environment where
you don’t feel safe you were
biologically less empathetic and less
generous we don’t care about each other
because we’re too busy trying to protect
ourselves drip drip drip our immune
systems are now compromised drip drip
drip we live in the country with some of
the best medical education in the world
some of the best medical systems in the
world some of the best doctors in the
world some of the best hospitals in the
world some of the best medicines in the
world please explain to me why diabetes
is on the rise heart disease is on the
rise some cancers are on the rise it
ain’t hot partially hydrogenated oils
our jobs are killing us and the people
who responsible are the leaders and we
also know that parents who come home
stressed out their kids learn that this
is what work is that work is something
that makes you short-tempered and and
and unhappy and so they expect it as
they grow older worse we know that
parents who come home upset and angry it
has such a negative impact on their
children that there’s some studies that
show that they might actually become
bullies because of their unhappy parents
who hate their jobs and have excessive
amounts of stress our companies are
literally killing us so what are you
gonna do about it what are you gonna do
about it
leadership is not a ranked leadership is
not a position leadership is a decision
leadership is a choice it has nothing to
do with your position in the
organization if you decide to look after
the person to the left of you and look
after the person to the right of you you
have become a leader you’ve seen the
movie 300 right the Spartans the
greatest fighting force of all time you
want to know one of the things that made
the Spartans great wasn’t their muscles
wasn’t their spears it was their shields
they stood shield to shield and the
Phalanx was stronger because they all
those shields were big and they were
told when they were young children you
either bring your shield home or you
come home on your shield the punishment
for losing your shield was tremendous in
battle because if you lost your shield
that means you cannot protect the person
to the left of you and the person to the
right of you and you have destroyed the
failings
it’s the shield that matters not the
spear not the spear
it’s your willingness to sacrifice
yourself not your life maybe your credit
maybe you’re a little time maybe a
little energy maybe you’re tough you
know maybe getting up from your desk and
talk to somebody for 30 minutes instead
of sending a three-minute email it’s
your willingness to sacrifice for
someone to hold that shield up so that
they feel safe that makes you a leader
and you want to know how you beat a
dopamine addiction if you’re worried
that you’re addicted to performance and
all this dopamine things Alcoholics
Anonymous has been highly effective for
decades 80 something years we all know
the first step of the 12th steps we joke
about it right admit you have a problem
did you know the twelfth step don’t say
I’ll tell you what the twelfth step is
Alcoholics Anonymous knows that if you
master all eleven steps but not the
twelfth you will drink again if you
master the twelfth step you will beat
the disease
what’s the twelfth step the twelfth step
is the commitment to help another
alcoholic service service to another
oxytocin wins Sara Tosun wit serotonin
wins the more we look after each other
the safer we feel the more we feel like
we belong and the more we will work
together to confront the dangers outside
do this for others and others will become Johnny Bravo thanks very much
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