what’s that belief nation is heaven I’m
excited to launch a new series where
code naming is delete love the idea here
is it can be really hard for
entrepreneurs not just a start of
business you know how crazy it is to
start and run a business but also to
manage a relationship at the same time
maybe the person you’re with is also an
entrepreneur and you’re fighting to even
spend any kind of time together because
you’re both so busy maybe you person was
not an entrepreneur it has a
nine-to-five job and that can be a
struggle just in terms of understanding
each other and support that you need and
so I get so many questions from
entrepreneurs and one of the
entrepreneurs that deal with
relationships and I thought how about we
make it a weekly series and we test see
what you guys think to showcase
different pieces of advice that you
might be able to use bring it to your
life and hopefully help you have
healthier stronger stronger stronger
happier relationships because when
you’re happy at home too you have so
much more energy that you can bring to
your business and walk through the
amazing things and so today we’re going
to learn from the legendary iyanla
Vanzant and her tips on how to fight
fairly how to resolve differences and
offsets in a relationship so I’m going
to shorten that and make it how to fight
fair fights meaning upsets disagreements
and arguments are normal even in the
best of relationships what matters is
how you handle it now I know there are
those people who think the first time
they have a disagreement or an argument
that the relationship is over wrong what
makes a argument or an upset or
disagreement even a slight breakdown in
the relationship meaningful is how you
handle it and how you handle yourself so
whether it’s a long-standing love ship
or a new relationship understanding how
to handle those difficult places those
upset and fighting fairly it’s crucial
for the success of any and
relationship normally when folks have a
disagreement or an argument even if they
love each other either of them
instinctively wants to win and prove
that they are right however when you are
in a relationship you really have to
understand that’s fighting to be right
holding onto your position is usually
not going to turn out well for you in
most arguments we expect there will be a
winner and a loser when however we are
dealing with a loving relationship an
argument can even make both of you
winners or make both of you suffer
depending on how you do it so here’s a
few tips few things that I’ve learned
along the way that I’d like to share
with you because I was a gotta win
person first stay focused on the current
conflict and resist the temptation to be
a history major I’ll explain that in a
little bit but when things get heated it
is easy to lose sight of the real
conflict especially when it feels like
you are the one that’s losing the
argument when that happens you will be
tempted particularly us ladies to bring
up everything all the history of
everything your partner or friend has
done wrong you may think that you’re
using evidence to make your point
stronger however what happens is you are
contributing to a shutdown and
frustration that will not resolve the
issue or end the argument so stick to
what the upset is about what angered you
in this moment rather than every other
upset that you never brought to the
table it will serve you to focus on one
aspect and solve that one issue instead
of going all over the place and dragging
the other person through the mud of the
past next and this is really really
really important don’t mope know the
other person there are times in a
relationship when all you see is red
particularly when you’re arguing when
this happens the easiest way to hurt
your partner or the person you’re in
upset with if they hit them where it
hurts by calling them names or talking
about how much weight they gained or how
many things they failed at doing not
only are you pulling on and triggering a
sensitive nerve digging around in
insecurity you are not fighting fairly
or you may manage to bring the other
person to tears to make them feel weak
but why would you not want to do that
just to prove that you’re right and
they’re wrong if you want to fight
fairly don’t blow the other person
because that traumatizes them and it
creates something that you won’t only
have to clean out later on okay number
three resist the temptation to be
sarcastic because sarcasm hurts oh
really who you yeah bet you will he’s a
joke view of the biting stinging
sarcastic remark that not only heard but
also pissed the other person off and
force them to start low blowing you or
bringing up past issues just to get even
and when that gets started and
misunderstanding can lead to an all-out
terroristic war and guess what Wars
create casualties and fatalities
sarcasm not only wounds the ego it
damages the heart and it diminishes the
upper person while it dishonored you
stay away from the low blow
number four don’t come into an argument
with your mind made up that the other
person is wrong and you are right that’s
not okay be willing to ask questions and
share your assumptions be willing to
hear what it says and without relying on
what you have already made up in your
mind when the other person wasn’t even
present talk about what you feel and
what you felt talk about your
perspective and what you think is going
on without making accusations and
assumptions be willing to get off your
position in response to what you hear
because as long as you stay planted in
the need to be right the argument or the
upset will linger and grow stay open to
the possibility that you may have been
mistaken even in that conversation you
had in your own head where you want
number five
supporting that last point you must
listen to each other I know it’s hard
but it is an absolute must in a healthy
relationship you must respect each
other’s opinion and you cannot do that
if you’re not willing to listen and
guess what the best way to be heard is
to be willing to hear somebody now in
listening you need not agree but you
must listen to what is being said you
may feel it go wrong by an accusation or
maybe a very invalid point however it is
important to fair fighting to make an
effort not to cut the person off and to
listen to what they’re saying and while
you’re listening
don’t formulate your response in your
head and then respond to what you’ve
heard rather than what was actually said
final what most people think an argument
can help a relationship get better and
help both of you understand each other
more however if you do not listen you
cannot hear what is being said
you won’t make stuff up that has nothing
to do with the other person
or what is going on remember you need
not agree but you want to make the
effort to listen and hear so that you
will be heard
number six keep breathing and I know
this sounds stupid but against
everything I want you to do your best
not to raise your voice I know I know
that sounds crazy an argument but all
arguments don’t have to operate and
attend you can do another five because
when you raise your voice it will not
only infuriate the other person who will
probably start yelling back in may
frightening making them even more
defensive and when they’re defensive
they cannot be available to hear you
they can’t be available to a resolution
raised voices can make a mountain out of
a molehill and cloud the issue now
you’re not talking to a wild child or
stranger not sure why you would yell at
either them either but I do know that
yelling does not make your point
stronger or more right staying in
control of yourself speaking with a calm
boy even if you go from three to five to
six hold it right being calm voice can
also calm the other person down
and turn an argument into a discussion
rather than here’s number seven to fight
fairly you must be willing to telogen
withholding information distorting
information sugarcoating bad behavior or
out-and-out being dishonest is going to
backfire sooner or later
lying will make the other person
suspicious people know when you’re not
telling the truth and that destroys
trust tell the truth even when it’s hard
speak your mind and your truth in a way
that doesn’t intentionally inflict harm
saying what needs to be said and be
willing to hear the truth about you and
your behavior number eight this is
another big one don’t blame your failure
and shortcoming or behavior on anyone
else in the midst of an argument it is
absolutely essential that you own and
accept responsibility for your behavior
your choices and the consequences are
both available nothing takes a
disagreement down the road to disaster
faster than when you are blaming the
other person for what you did or did not
do don’t blame anyone else for your
misfortunes your values or your
shortcoming if you feel strongly about
something someone did speak about it
owning your part in it it may not be
anybody’s fault sometimes stuff just
happens sometimes it could be a big
misunderstanding but you’ve got to tell
you about what you did what you didn’t
do what you feel what you said what you
heard and what you want right
it may take some effort and humility to
put your arms around someone after a
fresh fight this is why it is so
important to fight in a way that shows
that both of you respect each other and
that you love each other
refuse to allow big or small irritating
misunderstandings the common way of the
love that you share fight fairly stay
engaged finding fairly may not only help
you understand each other better but it
means that you will have a healthier
relationship when the dust settle
remember finding need not be fatal
pick your battles wisely and always
fight without drawing blood thank you
guys so much for watching I hope you
enjoyed I love to know what did you
think of this video did you like some of
the points here which one is most
relevant applicable to you in your
situation right now leave it down in the
comments below I’d also love to know
what do you think about this new
potential series believe love once a
week on the weekend show a little bit
more the personal side helping with your
relationships if you wanted to continue
let me know there are topics that you
won’t get to cover within that
relationship spectrum let me know I’d
love to hear thoughts please share it
down the comments below thank you guys
so much for watching I really appreciate
all your support and your love as well I
believe in you hopeful continue to
believe in yourself
and whatever your one word is much love
guys I’ll see you soon
excited to launch a new series where
code naming is delete love the idea here
is it can be really hard for
entrepreneurs not just a start of
business you know how crazy it is to
start and run a business but also to
manage a relationship at the same time
maybe the person you’re with is also an
entrepreneur and you’re fighting to even
spend any kind of time together because
you’re both so busy maybe you person was
not an entrepreneur it has a
nine-to-five job and that can be a
struggle just in terms of understanding
each other and support that you need and
so I get so many questions from
entrepreneurs and one of the
entrepreneurs that deal with
relationships and I thought how about we
make it a weekly series and we test see
what you guys think to showcase
different pieces of advice that you
might be able to use bring it to your
life and hopefully help you have
healthier stronger stronger stronger
happier relationships because when
you’re happy at home too you have so
much more energy that you can bring to
your business and walk through the
amazing things and so today we’re going
to learn from the legendary iyanla
Vanzant and her tips on how to fight
fairly how to resolve differences and
offsets in a relationship so I’m going
to shorten that and make it how to fight
fair fights meaning upsets disagreements
and arguments are normal even in the
best of relationships what matters is
how you handle it now I know there are
those people who think the first time
they have a disagreement or an argument
that the relationship is over wrong what
makes a argument or an upset or
disagreement even a slight breakdown in
the relationship meaningful is how you
handle it and how you handle yourself so
whether it’s a long-standing love ship
or a new relationship understanding how
to handle those difficult places those
upset and fighting fairly it’s crucial
for the success of any and
relationship normally when folks have a
disagreement or an argument even if they
love each other either of them
instinctively wants to win and prove
that they are right however when you are
in a relationship you really have to
understand that’s fighting to be right
holding onto your position is usually
not going to turn out well for you in
most arguments we expect there will be a
winner and a loser when however we are
dealing with a loving relationship an
argument can even make both of you
winners or make both of you suffer
depending on how you do it so here’s a
few tips few things that I’ve learned
along the way that I’d like to share
with you because I was a gotta win
person first stay focused on the current
conflict and resist the temptation to be
a history major I’ll explain that in a
little bit but when things get heated it
is easy to lose sight of the real
conflict especially when it feels like
you are the one that’s losing the
argument when that happens you will be
tempted particularly us ladies to bring
up everything all the history of
everything your partner or friend has
done wrong you may think that you’re
using evidence to make your point
stronger however what happens is you are
contributing to a shutdown and
frustration that will not resolve the
issue or end the argument so stick to
what the upset is about what angered you
in this moment rather than every other
upset that you never brought to the
table it will serve you to focus on one
aspect and solve that one issue instead
of going all over the place and dragging
the other person through the mud of the
past next and this is really really
really important don’t mope know the
other person there are times in a
relationship when all you see is red
particularly when you’re arguing when
this happens the easiest way to hurt
your partner or the person you’re in
upset with if they hit them where it
hurts by calling them names or talking
about how much weight they gained or how
many things they failed at doing not
only are you pulling on and triggering a
sensitive nerve digging around in
insecurity you are not fighting fairly
or you may manage to bring the other
person to tears to make them feel weak
but why would you not want to do that
just to prove that you’re right and
they’re wrong if you want to fight
fairly don’t blow the other person
because that traumatizes them and it
creates something that you won’t only
have to clean out later on okay number
three resist the temptation to be
sarcastic because sarcasm hurts oh
really who you yeah bet you will he’s a
joke view of the biting stinging
sarcastic remark that not only heard but
also pissed the other person off and
force them to start low blowing you or
bringing up past issues just to get even
and when that gets started and
misunderstanding can lead to an all-out
terroristic war and guess what Wars
create casualties and fatalities
sarcasm not only wounds the ego it
damages the heart and it diminishes the
upper person while it dishonored you
stay away from the low blow
number four don’t come into an argument
with your mind made up that the other
person is wrong and you are right that’s
not okay be willing to ask questions and
share your assumptions be willing to
hear what it says and without relying on
what you have already made up in your
mind when the other person wasn’t even
present talk about what you feel and
what you felt talk about your
perspective and what you think is going
on without making accusations and
assumptions be willing to get off your
position in response to what you hear
because as long as you stay planted in
the need to be right the argument or the
upset will linger and grow stay open to
the possibility that you may have been
mistaken even in that conversation you
had in your own head where you want
number five
supporting that last point you must
listen to each other I know it’s hard
but it is an absolute must in a healthy
relationship you must respect each
other’s opinion and you cannot do that
if you’re not willing to listen and
guess what the best way to be heard is
to be willing to hear somebody now in
listening you need not agree but you
must listen to what is being said you
may feel it go wrong by an accusation or
maybe a very invalid point however it is
important to fair fighting to make an
effort not to cut the person off and to
listen to what they’re saying and while
you’re listening
don’t formulate your response in your
head and then respond to what you’ve
heard rather than what was actually said
final what most people think an argument
can help a relationship get better and
help both of you understand each other
more however if you do not listen you
cannot hear what is being said
you won’t make stuff up that has nothing
to do with the other person
or what is going on remember you need
not agree but you want to make the
effort to listen and hear so that you
will be heard
number six keep breathing and I know
this sounds stupid but against
everything I want you to do your best
not to raise your voice I know I know
that sounds crazy an argument but all
arguments don’t have to operate and
attend you can do another five because
when you raise your voice it will not
only infuriate the other person who will
probably start yelling back in may
frightening making them even more
defensive and when they’re defensive
they cannot be available to hear you
they can’t be available to a resolution
raised voices can make a mountain out of
a molehill and cloud the issue now
you’re not talking to a wild child or
stranger not sure why you would yell at
either them either but I do know that
yelling does not make your point
stronger or more right staying in
control of yourself speaking with a calm
boy even if you go from three to five to
six hold it right being calm voice can
also calm the other person down
and turn an argument into a discussion
rather than here’s number seven to fight
fairly you must be willing to telogen
withholding information distorting
information sugarcoating bad behavior or
out-and-out being dishonest is going to
backfire sooner or later
lying will make the other person
suspicious people know when you’re not
telling the truth and that destroys
trust tell the truth even when it’s hard
speak your mind and your truth in a way
that doesn’t intentionally inflict harm
saying what needs to be said and be
willing to hear the truth about you and
your behavior number eight this is
another big one don’t blame your failure
and shortcoming or behavior on anyone
else in the midst of an argument it is
absolutely essential that you own and
accept responsibility for your behavior
your choices and the consequences are
both available nothing takes a
disagreement down the road to disaster
faster than when you are blaming the
other person for what you did or did not
do don’t blame anyone else for your
misfortunes your values or your
shortcoming if you feel strongly about
something someone did speak about it
owning your part in it it may not be
anybody’s fault sometimes stuff just
happens sometimes it could be a big
misunderstanding but you’ve got to tell
you about what you did what you didn’t
do what you feel what you said what you
heard and what you want right
it may take some effort and humility to
put your arms around someone after a
fresh fight this is why it is so
important to fight in a way that shows
that both of you respect each other and
that you love each other
refuse to allow big or small irritating
misunderstandings the common way of the
love that you share fight fairly stay
engaged finding fairly may not only help
you understand each other better but it
means that you will have a healthier
relationship when the dust settle
remember finding need not be fatal
pick your battles wisely and always
fight without drawing blood thank you
guys so much for watching I hope you
enjoyed I love to know what did you
think of this video did you like some of
the points here which one is most
relevant applicable to you in your
situation right now leave it down in the
comments below I’d also love to know
what do you think about this new
potential series believe love once a
week on the weekend show a little bit
more the personal side helping with your
relationships if you wanted to continue
let me know there are topics that you
won’t get to cover within that
relationship spectrum let me know I’d
love to hear thoughts please share it
down the comments below thank you guys
so much for watching I really appreciate
all your support and your love as well I
believe in you hopeful continue to
believe in yourself
and whatever your one word is much love
guys I’ll see you soon
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