I had a sort of secret desire as a high
schooler to be a comedian
I didn’t know that meant there is no
secret society out there that will tap
you on the shoulder one night and show
you the way well working really hard to
make jokes about ideas the lawyer for
Google would read B statements that I
said on air and I said well I didn’t say
that he’s an American comedian writer
actor and TV host he currently hosts a
late-night television talk show on CBS
his book I am America and so can you was
number one on the New York Times
bestseller list
he’s Stephen Colbert and here is my take
on his top ten rules to success rule
number six is my personal favorite and
make sure to stick around
all through to the end for some special
bonus clips also as Stephen is talking
if he says something that really
inspires you please leave it in the
comments below and put quotes around it
so other people can be inspired as well
we had only been on the 32 I think we
hadn’t done even 50 shows Wow and so I
called John Stewart and I said John I I
just got invited you know for the
Correspondents Dinner
do you think I should do it and he said
what lights a attend and I say no they
want me because they want you to be the
guy like to stand next to the president
do they know what you do and I said I
don’t know and I said I think I have to
do which was you have to do it you now
you have to do it so don’t pay attention
to the approval ratings that say that’s
68% of Americans disapprove of the job
this man is doing I ask you this does
that not also logically mean that 68%
approve of the job he’s not doing think
about it I haven’t
why did comedy kind of become your thing
do you think or did comedy kind of pick
you well that’s that’s a nice way of
putting it
that’s a nice way of putting it I would
say that the you know I I can’t under
emphasize how important comedies been to
my life and how important certain you
know opportunities that came along to my
life and they all many of them seem sort
of accidental for instance like second
city I never thought of my side iddin
think I was gonna be a comedian I had a
sort of secret desire as a high schooler
to be a comedian I didn’t know what that
meant you know I didn’t know what I just
really liked being funny I’m from one of
eleven kids and we’re a funny family and
being funny was important like the king
of the room was whoever was funniest you
know and I remember as a child you know
I seen comedy helping my man family had
a tragedy when I was younger my father
until my brothers died and I remember my
sister making another one of my sisters
laughed so hard on the way on the the
car away from the cemetery one of my
sisters made the other sister laugh so
hard that she fell on the floor of the
limo one of the big floors like with the
Rumbles
facing each other and she fell on the
floor laughing and I remember thinking I
want to do that and I don’t know whether
it was specifically within the context
of dealing with tragedy because I don’t
think I was always on ten and but I
remember especially thinking I want that
I’d love to have been able to do that
right now and then I fell asleep every
night for years listening to Bill Cosby
wonderfulness very funny fellow David
Frye Richard Nixon a fantasy George
Carlin class clown let’s get small wild
and crazy guy and I would just back when
you could stack albums so many stacks
how many of them the top one
contemplates role as it went around and
and then I went to a college to be an
actor but an actor actor I were black
and I had a beard and you know I was
like let me share my misery with you you
know poet slash jerk kind of actor and
then I accidentally met some people from
second city and and took some classes
there and got invited to audition and
accidentally just sort of the happy
accident fell in with some great people
and I still was I quit second city four
times in order to go do straight black
box avant-garde kind of theater in
Chicago which is that’s what I was gonna
be I was gonna live in a studio
apartment with no furniture and a futon
on the floor that I stuffed myself with
yak fur and just drained be single and
with the beard and you know sandals and
a dashiki and I was gonna you know drink
from a samovar that was constantly
bubbling in the background and and but
then one day I was backstage I kept on
returning to doing comedy and I was
backstage one one night and this is
really the thing that made the decision
for me I was backstage with a guy named
Dave Rose outski who does a does a
what’s called a web there’s a muscle
blog was over audio it does a podcast as
a podcast yeah what do you kids do your
podcasts it’s great guy we’re backstage
somebody was on stage and they were
supposed to do a very simple blackout
and a blackout is a very short it’s got
one joke and then the lights go out this
is second city
it’s a pace keeper for the show she goes
out there and the blackout is this she
goes you know
supposed to say I like to sound for you
now welcome to the you know the no exit
cafe like to Assam feet right now a song
for the whales and then she did to make
thing of you tune up your guitar for a
long time this is something for the
whales and then you go very simple you
do whistling clicks and everything it’s
fine
not a big not a great laughs but it
works every time she goes out there to
do it I like I like do a song for you
right now
I do thumb for you right now she just
goes into her whistling and her clicking
and we’re backstage waiting to go on for
the next scene me and Dave and we said
was not getting any laughs what’s this
is foolproof
no laughs at all what’s going on
something’s wrong and then she goes oh I
forgot it’s song for whales
and we burst into laughter backstage and
we threw our arms around each other in
the agony of her failure and we’re just
laughing we fell like I like at like a
collapsing teepee we just fell to the
ground and Dave’s feet went out on to
stage like this as we held each other
like lovers the most intimate joyful
experience at her pain that we all knew
and she could hear it happen an audience
could see her feet and she started
laughing at how wonderfully she had just
failed and and I thought at that moment
this is what I want if if failure of
this scale can cause this much joy for
anyone then this is the healthiest thing
that I could do with the rest of my life
and I will do nothing else and I’ve
never looked back from that moment well
what is the goal in your mind what was
the goal of political satire to make
people laugh you know I would make jokes
about politics because my model was the
news and I care about politics and I
care about the I care about current
events and I’ll always do jokes about
that I mean the new show has that as
well we’re definitely that that’s a big
part of the news show especially going
into a presidential election but the
goal is to make people laugh I mean
politics is incredibly frustrating the
news can be incredibly depressing if we
just make your day a little bit better
you know at the end because we we make
jokes the show’s yeah we feel the same
way you do or like or rather we curate
for you our feelings about the news and
maybe you agree with our jokes or what’s
funny about the day’s news that that
sense of connection between the
performer of the audience is the entire
intention you know why does anybody why
does anybody what does anybody want not
to be alone and I think a performer gets
on stage and says the things that are in
his mind in his own particular way to
make a connection with an audience so he
doesn’t feel so alone and and hopefully
the audience feels the same way you know
not over it’s not conscious it’s not
conscious it’s it’s here it’s not here
and so that’s got to be
goal that connection has got to be the
goal and the making somebody laugh has
got to be the goal you can’t think that
your your your satire is gonna change
things Peter Cook famously said great
the great satirist work with Dudley
Moore and in Beyond the Fringe he
famously said that the greatest satire
of the 20th century was the VY mark
cabaret and boy they just stopped Hitler
in their tracks you know you know it you
can’t imagine that however great your
joke is that it’s gonna change things
what it does is is just make a
connection with an audience who’s
feeling the same way you do while
traditional paths may seem harder to
find that also means that you may lune
learn sooner than most generations the
hard lesson that you must always make
the path for yourself there is no secret
society out there that will tap you on
the shoulder one night and show you the
way because the true secret is your life
will not be defined by the society that
we have left you
to paraphrase Robert bolt Society has no
more idea of what you are than you do
because ultimately it has only your
brains to think with every generation
must define itself and so make the world
that suits itself so if you must find
your own path and we have left to no
easy path then decide now to choose the
hard path that leads to the life and the
world that you want in my experience you
will truly serve only what you love
because service is love made visible if
you love friends you will serve your
friends if you love community you will
serve your community if you love money
you will serve your money and if you
love only yourself you will serve only
yourself and you will have only yourself
so no winning instead try to love others
and serve others and hopefully find
those who love and serve you in return I
was just wondering if you have anything
left in your career wish list sure I
never I just don’t know I I never know
what’s gonna happen you know even
tomorrow I’ve got to spend the week with
you know some of my favorite creative
artists with the Hobbit you know it was
unbelievable what a workshop made my my
own Hobbit feet you know next week I get
to sing with all these wonderful artists
you know doing Christmas carols I’ve
done my own Christmas special I’ve had a
rally on the mall I’ve testified before
Congress I’ve I may or may not appear in
The Hobbit I get I get to the nice thing
about my show and whether or not I do
the show forever I mean everything ends
but whether or not I do the show forever
the nice thing about my show is that as
the host and executive producer I get to
ask of myself anything I want to try and
and and but that also means I have to do
everything I know and so it’s just a
tremendous sort of refreshing gift as
tiring as the show sort of is because I
am kind of decaying before your eyes
it’s it’s in in the same way it’s also
rejuvenating because I’m I the show is
only what I want it to be I can always
say no to myself or or ask myself
something new but beyond this I just
want to work with people I like I love
the people I work with I love what we do
and I just want to be able to do with
joy in the moment I can’t do that I have
got to stop and try to do something else
when I have both hosted the White House
Correspondents Dinner yes I have to say
I was very inspired by Stephen when you
call President Bush your nigga I
couldn’t I I could not believe you did
this
well very few people associated berge
that took me to say that is very brave
yeah thank you
I kind of stole it from you so I just
want to give you props man we’re
probably you got a baby you got it you
got it so
got it what what’s the ho that is that
is a really tough room
well people at home don’t understand is
that all they ever see on TV is like the
dais and a couple of people in the front
row it’s 3,000 people in that row is a
huge room you know Harry J Lennox – no –
no Harry as Harry’s is a various guy
with no treasure he’s an actor he’s
great actor he’s a very very dignified
very talented african-american actor we
went to Northwestern University together
but I had not seen Harry in like 20
years and he was there the night I did
it and I’m on the dais and I’ve just
finished it nobody’s looking at me like
no one will make eye contact and and and
Harry comes up and and and he’s at the
dais and he’s every still up there and
he goes hey man that was really good
I said Perry it was it’s really it’s
really great to see you I’m I don’t
think these people liked it right and
Harry is so wonderful so dignified and
just such got a fantastic voice he leans
back he goes these people that was good
he said there
so Larry yes what’s interesting about
the I think there is Union and your
character and you personally are very
very supportive of the troops and I
remember in when you were in Iraq right
you got the president to order you to
get a haircut
yeah pretty serious that was fun yeah
sure yeah yeah and we I knew I wanted to
have my hair head shaved because I
thought that’ll be that feel good in the
room you know that’ll feel good with all
the troops and I said who could shave my
head the general said well who’s gonna
make the general do it and everybody
said yes it was really lovely
and I think this is work that you’re
doing with the troops is fantastic it
was there some reason and sort of
growing up or something that you felt
that way or is it just you’re just a
genuine Patriot about this stuff um I
don’t know about you know I’m a general
paid genuine patriot I love my country
and I think patriotism does not require
focus on the troops joining mean there
are other ways to be patriotic other
than association with the military that
being said I think not enough attention
is paid to the men and women who make
the sacrifices that we have collectively
decided they should make and then ignore
yes you know I mean we were all
responsible we all are we all are
sending the troop orders Jimmy and we
did it without a lot of thought but with
a lot of emotion 10 11 years ago and not
a lot of discussion and then we thought
our job was done and so because I talk
about it a lot or used to talk about her
more when it was more in the
consciousness spelling the news
consciousness because I much I was a
shadow of the actual news and I’m in
some ways very reactive that way I’ve
failed at a certain point that I I had a
responsibility along with my responsible
to be funny to take opportunities that
came to me to talk about the troops when
I can early on I have a 86 airborne and
I started 82nd airborne flag in my
office because very early on in the show
a young man and his wife came and she
had to speak for him cuz he was he had
such brain bad brain damage and he still
he still could hear but he couldn’t
leakin converse and he enjoyed the show
and he gave me the flag and all
could really get out was don’t forget us
yeah please keep talking about us so
I’ve got on my wall and I think about it
and we don’t nearly do enough and we
don’t help as much as we don’t help as
much as we should but certainly when you
have an opportunity that fits within
their I self responsibility to do a
comedy show when I can fit those two
things together were were more than
happy to try to make it happen and and
as I said we should do more when I I
came back to the Daily Show
John was the new host and it was a
totally different show because John
invited all of us who were on the show
not just doing good jokes is is a virtue
in and of itself but he said have your
own opinion right bring your own passion
to the show because I want everybody to
invest their own ideas and I didn’t
realize I had political opinions I don’t
know I didn’t realize I really wanted
litical before then no no I’m was always
a news junkie but I worked very hard not
to do any political humor because there
wasn’t a lot that I enjoyed yeah I like
George Carlin which was certainly satire
yeah and then social satire not a lot of
political satire and so I really admired
George Carlin kind of wanted to beat him
or beat him or Steve Martin but didn’t
do political things I made a very I made
a very specific choice in all my work –
not even reference real-world events or
real places or who the president was
why because I wanted people to enjoy my
joke a year from now okay as opposed to
just you right and I think that current
was would be relevant a year from well
there also wasn’t a lot of it I liked I
thought there was a lot of too many Ted
Kennedy drunk jokes yeah yeah yeah you
don’t I mean which is it which is very
flippant yeah but isn’t really there’s
not a lot of intellectual sweat that
goes into that joke right so I wanted to
do something just different than that
but John that term but John invite yeah
that really is what your work is it’s
kind of intellectually sweaty
yeah well working really hard to make
jokes about ideas speaking of which
again many Googlers have been asking
questions about your upcoming YouTube
show yeah what is that I am an upcoming
YouTube yes and we have all decided that
you have to have a youtube show of some
K it does that violate my contract with
Viacom to
that you guys had a billion-dollar
lawsuit against each other you realize
Sumner Redstone would rather see your
head on it you actually asked us to you
actually asked us on television to give
you the money you forget oh no I don’t
forget you never gave it to me
I know I know you gave the money
bookerson blow and I’d forget who I was
deposed I was deployed lawsuit I know
you were and I’ve got a good story if
you’d stop talking I’m sorry what was
your question tell your story okay okay
so it’s been a few years I don’t think
I’m violating it so I was I got to posed
for the youtube/google thing the Viacom
thing cuz boy they were mad at you guys
they were so mad at you guys and so
y’all’s lawyer brought me in to say well
how isn’t YouTube great and wouldn’t you
not have a show if it wasn’t for YouTube
and all those kind of questions and the
lawyer for Google would read B
statements that I said on air and I said
well I didn’t say that and and and he
goes no you said you said it on this
broadcast I said no my character said
that and my character is not under oath
right now and they said well if your
character were here
what would he say
and so I would say okay well I’ll tell
you what I’ll tell you what if you ask
me questions that my character has to
answer as opposed to me I’ll move my
coffee cup to the other side of my place
here and then you’ll know I’m speaking
as my character and so they’d ask me a
question I keep my cup over here I kept
it and then in the middle of the
question I start moving it because I
realized they were asking me something
for my character and here we a new
person we go let the record reflect the
coffee cup is now on the I was like I
don’t know what you’re talking up but I
don’t know you’re talking about buddy
thank you guys so much for watching I
hope you enjoyed I made this video
because Adam John I hope I pronounced
that okay asked me to so if there’s a
famous entrepreneur that you want me to
profile next leave it down in comments
below and I’ll see what I can do I also
love to know which the clips had the
biggest impact on you what are you gonna
change in your business or live how are
you gonna apply some of the advice that
Steven had to yourself leave it in the
comments and I’m super curious because I
want to join in the discussion I also
want to give a quick shout out to Ola
from Empire traffic Academy calm Ola
thank you so much for picking up a cup
of my book it really really really means
a lot to me so thank you guys again for
watching I believe in you
I hope you continue to believe in
yourself and whatever your one word is
much love guys I’ll see you soon
no one is safe ladies and gentlemen here
with a special edition of The Colbert
Report Stephen Colbert
thank you ladies and gentlemen before I
begin I’ve been asked to make an
announcement whoever parked 14 black
bulletproof SUVs out front
please move them they’re blocking in 14
other black bulletproof SUVs and they
need to get out Wow
wow what an honor the White House
Correspondents Dinner to actually to sit
here at the same table with my hero
George W Bush to be to be this close to
the man I feel like I’m dreaming
somebody pinch me you know what I’m a
pretty sound sleeper that may not be
enough somebody shoot me in the face is
he really not here tonight damn it the
one guy who could have helped I’m by the
way before I get started if anybody
needs anything else at their tables just
speak slowly and clearly into your table
numbers someone from the NSA will be
right over with a cocktail
Mark Smith ladies and gentlemen the
press corps Madame first lady mr.
president my name is Stephen Colbert and
tonight it is my privilege to celebrate
this president because we’re not so
different he and I we both get it guys
like us we’re not some brainiacs on the
nerd Patrol we’re not members of the
fact in ISTA we go straight from the gut
right sir that’s where the truth lies
right down here in the gut do you know
you have more nerve endings in your gut
than you have in your head you can look
it up now I know some of you gonna say I
did look it up and that’s not true
that’s cuz you looked it up in a book
next time look it up in your gut I did
my gut tells me that’s how our nervous
system works
every night on my show The Colbert
Report I speak straight from the gut
okay I give people the truth unfiltered
by rational argument I call it the no
fact zone FoxNews I hold a copyright on
that term
I’m a simple man with a simple mind to
hold a simple set of beliefs that I live
by number one I believe in America I
believe it exists my gut tells me I live
there I feel that it extends from the
Atlantic to the Pacific and I strongly
believe it has 50 states and I cannot
wait to see how the Washington Post
spins that one tomorrow I believe in
democracy I believe democracy is our
greatest exports
at least until China figures out a way
to stamp it out of plastic for three
cents a unit as a matter of fact
ambassador Joe and John welcome your
great country makes our Happy Meals
possible
I set it to celebration I believe the
government that governs best is the
government that governs least and by
these standards we have set up a
fabulous government in Iraq I believe I
believe in pulling yourself up by your
own bootstraps I believe it is possible
I saw this guy do it once in Cirque de
Soleil it was magical and though I am a
committed Christian I believe that
everyone has the right to their own
religion be you Hindu Jewish or Muslim I
believe there are infinite paths to
accepting Jesus Christ as your personal
Savior
ladies and gentlemen I believe it’s
yogurt but I refuse to believe it’s not
butter most of all I believe in this
president now I know there’s some polls
out there saying that this man has a 32%
approval rating but guys like us we
don’t we don’t pay attention to the
polls we know that that polls are just a
collection of statistics that reflect
what people are thinking in reality and
reality has a well-known liberal bias so
mr. president please please pay no
attention to the people who say the
glass is half-full 32% means the glass
it’s important to set up your jokes
properly sir sir pay no attention to the
people who say the glass is half empty
because 32% means it’s 2/3 empty there’s
still some liquid in that glass is my
point but I wouldn’t drink it last third
is usually backwash okay
look folks my point is that I don’t
believe this is a low point in this
presidency I believe it is just a lull
before I come back I mean it’s like the
movie Rocky all right the present in
this case is Rocky Balboa and Apollo
Creed is everything else in the world
it’s a 10th round he’s bloodied his
corner man Mick who in this case I guess
would be the vice president he’s yelling
cut me dick cut me every time he falls
everyone says stay down rock stay down
but as he stayed down no like Rocky he
gets back up and in the end he actually
loses in the first movie hmm okay
doesn’t matter doesn’t matter the point
is it is the heartwarming story of a man
who is repeatedly punched in the face
so don’t pay attention to the approval
ratings that say that 68% of Americans
disapprove of the job this man is doing
I ask you this does that not also
logically mean that 68% approve of the
job he’s not doing think about it
I haven’t I stand by this man I stand by
this man because he stands for things
not only for things he stands on things
things like aircraft carriers and rubble
and recently flooded city squares and
that sends a strong message that no
matter what happens to America she will
always rebound with the most powerfully
staged photo ops in the world now there
may be an energy crisis well this this
president has a very forward-thinking
energy policy why do you think he’s down
on the ranch cutting that brush all the
time he’s trying to create an
alternative energy source by 2008 we
will have a mesquite powered car
and I just like the guy he’s a good Joe
obviously loves his wife calls her his
better half and Paul show America agrees
she said she’s a true lady and a
wonderful woman but I just have I just
have one beef ma’am I’m sorry but um
this reading initiative I’m sorry I’ve
never been a fan of books I don’t trust
them they’re all fact no heart I mean
they’re elitist
telling us what is or isn’t true or what
did or didn’t happen who’s Britannica to
tell me the Panama Canal was built in
1914 if I want to say it was built in
1941 that’s my right as an American I’m
with the president let history decide
what did or did not happen
the greatest thing about this man is he
steady you know where he stands he
believes the same thing Wednesday that
he believed on Monday no matter what
happened Tuesday events can change this
man’s beliefs never will and as as
excited as I am to be here with the
president I am appalled to be surrounded
by the liberal media that is destroying
America with the exception of Fox News
Fox News gives you both sides of every
story the president’s side and the vice
president’s side but the rest of you
what are you thinking reporting on NSA
wiretapping or secret prisons in Eastern
Europe those things are secret for a
very important reason they’re super
depressing and if that’s your goal well
misery accomplished over the last five
years you people were so good over over
over tax cuts WMD intelligence the
effect of global warming we Americans
didn’t want to know and you had the
courtesy not to try to find out those
were good times as far as we knew
but listen let’s review the rules here’s
how it works the president makes
decisions he’s the decider the press
secretary announces those decisions and
you people have the press
type those decisions down make an ounce
tight just put them through a spell
check and go home get to know your
family again make love to your wife
write that novel you got kicking around
in your head you know the one about the
intrepid Washington reporter with the
courage to stand up to the
administration
you know fiction because really what
incentive do these people have to answer
your questions after all I mean nothing
satisfies you everybody asks for
personnel changes so the White House has
personnel changes and then you write oh
they’re just rearranging the deck chairs
on the Titanic first of all that is a
terrible metaphor there this
administration is not sinking this
administration is soaring if anything
they are rearranging the deck chairs on
the Hindenburg
now it’s not all it’s not all bad guys
out there some there’s some of the
heroes out there tonight Christopher
Buckley Jeff sacks Ken Burns Bob
Schieffer I’ve interviewed all of them
by the way mr. Pressman thank you for
agreeing to be on my show I appreciate
it I was just as shocked as everyone
here is I promise you how’s Tuesday for
you I’ve got Frank Rich but we can just
bump him I mean bump him I know a guy
say the word see who we got here tonight
we have general Moseley Air Force chief
of staff we’ve got General Peter pace
chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff
they still support Rumsfeld right you
guys aren’t retired yet right
right they still support Rumsfeld look
I’ve got by the way I’ve got I’ve got a
theory about how to handle these retired
generals I’ve caused all this trouble
don’t let them retire come on we’ve got
a stoploss program let’s use it on these
guys
I’ve seen the zinni in that crowd on
Wolf Blitzer if you’re strong enough to
go on one of those pundit shows you’re
strong enough to stand on a bank of
computers and order men into battle come
on
Jesse Jackson is here the Reverend
haven’t heard from the Reverend just a
little while I had him on the show was
very interesting into your very
challenging interview you can ask him
anything but he’s gonna say what he
wants at the pace that he wants it’s
like boxing a glacier enjoy that
metaphor by the way because your
grandchildren will have no idea what a
glacier is
Justice Scalia is here Justice Scalia
may be the first to say welcome sir you
look fantastic
how are you
Stockton’s some Sicilian with my paisan
john mccain is here John McCain what a
maverick somebody somebody find out what
fork he used on his salad because I
guarantee you it wasn’t a salad fork
this guy could have used a spoon there’s
no predicting him by the way Senator
McCain so wonderful see you coming back
into the Republican fold I’ve actually
got a summer house in South Carolina
look me up when you go to speak at Bob
Jones University so glad you’ve seen the
light sir mayor Nagin mayor Nagin is
here from New Orleans the chocolate city
yeah give it up
mayor Nagin I’d like to welcome you to
Washington DC the chocolate city with a
marshmallow Center
and a graham cracker crust of corruption
it’s a mallomar I guess is what I’m
describing as a mallomar it’s a
seasonable cookie Joe Wilson is here Joe
Wilson right down here in front the most
famous husband since Desi Arnaz
and of course he brought along his
lovely wife Valerie Plame oh my god Oh
what have I said I she Minetti I am
sorry mr. president I meant to say he
brought along his lovely wife Joe
Wilson’s wife Patrick Fitzgerald is not
here tonight right okay
dodged a bullet and of course we can’t
forget man of the hour new press
secretary Tony Snow Secret Service name
snow job toughest job what a hero took
the second toughest job in government
next to of course the Ambassador to Iraq
got some big shoes to fill Tony big
shoes to fill
Scott McClellan could say nothing like
nobody else McClellan of course you got
to retire really really felt like he
needed to spend more time with Andrew
cards children
mr. president I wish you hadn’t made the
decision so quickly sir I I I was vying
for the job myself I I think I would
have made a fabulous press secretary I
have nothing but contempt for these
people I know how to handle these clowns
in fact sir I brought along an audition
tape and with your indulgence I’d like
to at least give it a shot so ladies and
gentlemen my press conference
I have a brief statement
the press is destroying America okay
let’s see who we got here today
stretch sir nerdling ten sloppy joe
terry lemon meringue pie nope
doubting Thomas always a pleasure and
suzanne mal hello yes will the vice
president be available soon to answer
all questions himself I’ve already
addressed that question you Walter
Cronkite denoted CBS anchor I know he’s
the former CBS anchor Katie Couric is
the anchor of the CBS Evening News
lately how do you guys feel about that
you talk with hair guy in the back are
you happy about Katie Couric taking over
the CBS Evening News no sir mr. Colbert
you
oh look we updated Gregory up David you
have a question do Carlo commit a crime
I don’t know I’ll ask him
Carl pay attention please do you stand
by your statement from the fall of 2003
when you are asked specifically about
Carl and Elliott Abrams is food livvie
and you said I’ve gone to each of those
gentlemen and they have told me they are
not involved in this do you stand by
that statement no just kidding
no you’re not finished you’re not saying
anything you stood at that podium and
that’s where you’re wrong
new podium just how to deliver today get
your facts straight there but this is
ridiculous
the notion that you’re gonna stand
before us after having commented with
that level of detail and tell people
watching this but somehow you decided
not to talk if I can’t hear you I can’t
answer your question I’m sorry I happen
to launch yep Terry after the
investigation began after the criminal
investigation was underway you said all
of a sudden you have respect for the
sanctity of the criminal investigation
no I never had any respect for the
sanctity of a criminal investigation
activist judges yes Helen you’re gonna
be sorry
what’s he gonna do Helens asked before a
recipe your decision to invade Iraq has
caused the deaths of thousands of
Americans and Iraqis foods of Americans
and Iraqis for a lifetime all every
knows it was given publicly look X
turned out not to be true I don’t think
I should miss why did you really want to
go to war Helen I must stop doing this
no cabinet form of office
Rick’s in there I’ve never been so
insulted my stupid job
thank God help me she won’t stop asking
why are we invaded Iraq
No
we got it Oh God
what a terrible trip Danny take me home
Helen Thomas ladies and gentlemen
mr. Schmitt members of the White House
Correspondents Association madam first
lady mr. president it’s been a true
honor thank you very much
good night
schooler to be a comedian
I didn’t know that meant there is no
secret society out there that will tap
you on the shoulder one night and show
you the way well working really hard to
make jokes about ideas the lawyer for
Google would read B statements that I
said on air and I said well I didn’t say
that he’s an American comedian writer
actor and TV host he currently hosts a
late-night television talk show on CBS
his book I am America and so can you was
number one on the New York Times
bestseller list
he’s Stephen Colbert and here is my take
on his top ten rules to success rule
number six is my personal favorite and
make sure to stick around
all through to the end for some special
bonus clips also as Stephen is talking
if he says something that really
inspires you please leave it in the
comments below and put quotes around it
so other people can be inspired as well
we had only been on the 32 I think we
hadn’t done even 50 shows Wow and so I
called John Stewart and I said John I I
just got invited you know for the
Correspondents Dinner
do you think I should do it and he said
what lights a attend and I say no they
want me because they want you to be the
guy like to stand next to the president
do they know what you do and I said I
don’t know and I said I think I have to
do which was you have to do it you now
you have to do it so don’t pay attention
to the approval ratings that say that’s
68% of Americans disapprove of the job
this man is doing I ask you this does
that not also logically mean that 68%
approve of the job he’s not doing think
about it I haven’t
why did comedy kind of become your thing
do you think or did comedy kind of pick
you well that’s that’s a nice way of
putting it
that’s a nice way of putting it I would
say that the you know I I can’t under
emphasize how important comedies been to
my life and how important certain you
know opportunities that came along to my
life and they all many of them seem sort
of accidental for instance like second
city I never thought of my side iddin
think I was gonna be a comedian I had a
sort of secret desire as a high schooler
to be a comedian I didn’t know what that
meant you know I didn’t know what I just
really liked being funny I’m from one of
eleven kids and we’re a funny family and
being funny was important like the king
of the room was whoever was funniest you
know and I remember as a child you know
I seen comedy helping my man family had
a tragedy when I was younger my father
until my brothers died and I remember my
sister making another one of my sisters
laughed so hard on the way on the the
car away from the cemetery one of my
sisters made the other sister laugh so
hard that she fell on the floor of the
limo one of the big floors like with the
Rumbles
facing each other and she fell on the
floor laughing and I remember thinking I
want to do that and I don’t know whether
it was specifically within the context
of dealing with tragedy because I don’t
think I was always on ten and but I
remember especially thinking I want that
I’d love to have been able to do that
right now and then I fell asleep every
night for years listening to Bill Cosby
wonderfulness very funny fellow David
Frye Richard Nixon a fantasy George
Carlin class clown let’s get small wild
and crazy guy and I would just back when
you could stack albums so many stacks
how many of them the top one
contemplates role as it went around and
and then I went to a college to be an
actor but an actor actor I were black
and I had a beard and you know I was
like let me share my misery with you you
know poet slash jerk kind of actor and
then I accidentally met some people from
second city and and took some classes
there and got invited to audition and
accidentally just sort of the happy
accident fell in with some great people
and I still was I quit second city four
times in order to go do straight black
box avant-garde kind of theater in
Chicago which is that’s what I was gonna
be I was gonna live in a studio
apartment with no furniture and a futon
on the floor that I stuffed myself with
yak fur and just drained be single and
with the beard and you know sandals and
a dashiki and I was gonna you know drink
from a samovar that was constantly
bubbling in the background and and but
then one day I was backstage I kept on
returning to doing comedy and I was
backstage one one night and this is
really the thing that made the decision
for me I was backstage with a guy named
Dave Rose outski who does a does a
what’s called a web there’s a muscle
blog was over audio it does a podcast as
a podcast yeah what do you kids do your
podcasts it’s great guy we’re backstage
somebody was on stage and they were
supposed to do a very simple blackout
and a blackout is a very short it’s got
one joke and then the lights go out this
is second city
it’s a pace keeper for the show she goes
out there and the blackout is this she
goes you know
supposed to say I like to sound for you
now welcome to the you know the no exit
cafe like to Assam feet right now a song
for the whales and then she did to make
thing of you tune up your guitar for a
long time this is something for the
whales and then you go very simple you
do whistling clicks and everything it’s
fine
not a big not a great laughs but it
works every time she goes out there to
do it I like I like do a song for you
right now
I do thumb for you right now she just
goes into her whistling and her clicking
and we’re backstage waiting to go on for
the next scene me and Dave and we said
was not getting any laughs what’s this
is foolproof
no laughs at all what’s going on
something’s wrong and then she goes oh I
forgot it’s song for whales
and we burst into laughter backstage and
we threw our arms around each other in
the agony of her failure and we’re just
laughing we fell like I like at like a
collapsing teepee we just fell to the
ground and Dave’s feet went out on to
stage like this as we held each other
like lovers the most intimate joyful
experience at her pain that we all knew
and she could hear it happen an audience
could see her feet and she started
laughing at how wonderfully she had just
failed and and I thought at that moment
this is what I want if if failure of
this scale can cause this much joy for
anyone then this is the healthiest thing
that I could do with the rest of my life
and I will do nothing else and I’ve
never looked back from that moment well
what is the goal in your mind what was
the goal of political satire to make
people laugh you know I would make jokes
about politics because my model was the
news and I care about politics and I
care about the I care about current
events and I’ll always do jokes about
that I mean the new show has that as
well we’re definitely that that’s a big
part of the news show especially going
into a presidential election but the
goal is to make people laugh I mean
politics is incredibly frustrating the
news can be incredibly depressing if we
just make your day a little bit better
you know at the end because we we make
jokes the show’s yeah we feel the same
way you do or like or rather we curate
for you our feelings about the news and
maybe you agree with our jokes or what’s
funny about the day’s news that that
sense of connection between the
performer of the audience is the entire
intention you know why does anybody why
does anybody what does anybody want not
to be alone and I think a performer gets
on stage and says the things that are in
his mind in his own particular way to
make a connection with an audience so he
doesn’t feel so alone and and hopefully
the audience feels the same way you know
not over it’s not conscious it’s not
conscious it’s it’s here it’s not here
and so that’s got to be
goal that connection has got to be the
goal and the making somebody laugh has
got to be the goal you can’t think that
your your your satire is gonna change
things Peter Cook famously said great
the great satirist work with Dudley
Moore and in Beyond the Fringe he
famously said that the greatest satire
of the 20th century was the VY mark
cabaret and boy they just stopped Hitler
in their tracks you know you know it you
can’t imagine that however great your
joke is that it’s gonna change things
what it does is is just make a
connection with an audience who’s
feeling the same way you do while
traditional paths may seem harder to
find that also means that you may lune
learn sooner than most generations the
hard lesson that you must always make
the path for yourself there is no secret
society out there that will tap you on
the shoulder one night and show you the
way because the true secret is your life
will not be defined by the society that
we have left you
to paraphrase Robert bolt Society has no
more idea of what you are than you do
because ultimately it has only your
brains to think with every generation
must define itself and so make the world
that suits itself so if you must find
your own path and we have left to no
easy path then decide now to choose the
hard path that leads to the life and the
world that you want in my experience you
will truly serve only what you love
because service is love made visible if
you love friends you will serve your
friends if you love community you will
serve your community if you love money
you will serve your money and if you
love only yourself you will serve only
yourself and you will have only yourself
so no winning instead try to love others
and serve others and hopefully find
those who love and serve you in return I
was just wondering if you have anything
left in your career wish list sure I
never I just don’t know I I never know
what’s gonna happen you know even
tomorrow I’ve got to spend the week with
you know some of my favorite creative
artists with the Hobbit you know it was
unbelievable what a workshop made my my
own Hobbit feet you know next week I get
to sing with all these wonderful artists
you know doing Christmas carols I’ve
done my own Christmas special I’ve had a
rally on the mall I’ve testified before
Congress I’ve I may or may not appear in
The Hobbit I get I get to the nice thing
about my show and whether or not I do
the show forever I mean everything ends
but whether or not I do the show forever
the nice thing about my show is that as
the host and executive producer I get to
ask of myself anything I want to try and
and and but that also means I have to do
everything I know and so it’s just a
tremendous sort of refreshing gift as
tiring as the show sort of is because I
am kind of decaying before your eyes
it’s it’s in in the same way it’s also
rejuvenating because I’m I the show is
only what I want it to be I can always
say no to myself or or ask myself
something new but beyond this I just
want to work with people I like I love
the people I work with I love what we do
and I just want to be able to do with
joy in the moment I can’t do that I have
got to stop and try to do something else
when I have both hosted the White House
Correspondents Dinner yes I have to say
I was very inspired by Stephen when you
call President Bush your nigga I
couldn’t I I could not believe you did
this
well very few people associated berge
that took me to say that is very brave
yeah thank you
I kind of stole it from you so I just
want to give you props man we’re
probably you got a baby you got it you
got it so
got it what what’s the ho that is that
is a really tough room
well people at home don’t understand is
that all they ever see on TV is like the
dais and a couple of people in the front
row it’s 3,000 people in that row is a
huge room you know Harry J Lennox – no –
no Harry as Harry’s is a various guy
with no treasure he’s an actor he’s
great actor he’s a very very dignified
very talented african-american actor we
went to Northwestern University together
but I had not seen Harry in like 20
years and he was there the night I did
it and I’m on the dais and I’ve just
finished it nobody’s looking at me like
no one will make eye contact and and and
Harry comes up and and and he’s at the
dais and he’s every still up there and
he goes hey man that was really good
I said Perry it was it’s really it’s
really great to see you I’m I don’t
think these people liked it right and
Harry is so wonderful so dignified and
just such got a fantastic voice he leans
back he goes these people that was good
he said there
so Larry yes what’s interesting about
the I think there is Union and your
character and you personally are very
very supportive of the troops and I
remember in when you were in Iraq right
you got the president to order you to
get a haircut
yeah pretty serious that was fun yeah
sure yeah yeah and we I knew I wanted to
have my hair head shaved because I
thought that’ll be that feel good in the
room you know that’ll feel good with all
the troops and I said who could shave my
head the general said well who’s gonna
make the general do it and everybody
said yes it was really lovely
and I think this is work that you’re
doing with the troops is fantastic it
was there some reason and sort of
growing up or something that you felt
that way or is it just you’re just a
genuine Patriot about this stuff um I
don’t know about you know I’m a general
paid genuine patriot I love my country
and I think patriotism does not require
focus on the troops joining mean there
are other ways to be patriotic other
than association with the military that
being said I think not enough attention
is paid to the men and women who make
the sacrifices that we have collectively
decided they should make and then ignore
yes you know I mean we were all
responsible we all are we all are
sending the troop orders Jimmy and we
did it without a lot of thought but with
a lot of emotion 10 11 years ago and not
a lot of discussion and then we thought
our job was done and so because I talk
about it a lot or used to talk about her
more when it was more in the
consciousness spelling the news
consciousness because I much I was a
shadow of the actual news and I’m in
some ways very reactive that way I’ve
failed at a certain point that I I had a
responsibility along with my responsible
to be funny to take opportunities that
came to me to talk about the troops when
I can early on I have a 86 airborne and
I started 82nd airborne flag in my
office because very early on in the show
a young man and his wife came and she
had to speak for him cuz he was he had
such brain bad brain damage and he still
he still could hear but he couldn’t
leakin converse and he enjoyed the show
and he gave me the flag and all
could really get out was don’t forget us
yeah please keep talking about us so
I’ve got on my wall and I think about it
and we don’t nearly do enough and we
don’t help as much as we don’t help as
much as we should but certainly when you
have an opportunity that fits within
their I self responsibility to do a
comedy show when I can fit those two
things together were were more than
happy to try to make it happen and and
as I said we should do more when I I
came back to the Daily Show
John was the new host and it was a
totally different show because John
invited all of us who were on the show
not just doing good jokes is is a virtue
in and of itself but he said have your
own opinion right bring your own passion
to the show because I want everybody to
invest their own ideas and I didn’t
realize I had political opinions I don’t
know I didn’t realize I really wanted
litical before then no no I’m was always
a news junkie but I worked very hard not
to do any political humor because there
wasn’t a lot that I enjoyed yeah I like
George Carlin which was certainly satire
yeah and then social satire not a lot of
political satire and so I really admired
George Carlin kind of wanted to beat him
or beat him or Steve Martin but didn’t
do political things I made a very I made
a very specific choice in all my work –
not even reference real-world events or
real places or who the president was
why because I wanted people to enjoy my
joke a year from now okay as opposed to
just you right and I think that current
was would be relevant a year from well
there also wasn’t a lot of it I liked I
thought there was a lot of too many Ted
Kennedy drunk jokes yeah yeah yeah you
don’t I mean which is it which is very
flippant yeah but isn’t really there’s
not a lot of intellectual sweat that
goes into that joke right so I wanted to
do something just different than that
but John that term but John invite yeah
that really is what your work is it’s
kind of intellectually sweaty
yeah well working really hard to make
jokes about ideas speaking of which
again many Googlers have been asking
questions about your upcoming YouTube
show yeah what is that I am an upcoming
YouTube yes and we have all decided that
you have to have a youtube show of some
K it does that violate my contract with
Viacom to
that you guys had a billion-dollar
lawsuit against each other you realize
Sumner Redstone would rather see your
head on it you actually asked us to you
actually asked us on television to give
you the money you forget oh no I don’t
forget you never gave it to me
I know I know you gave the money
bookerson blow and I’d forget who I was
deposed I was deployed lawsuit I know
you were and I’ve got a good story if
you’d stop talking I’m sorry what was
your question tell your story okay okay
so it’s been a few years I don’t think
I’m violating it so I was I got to posed
for the youtube/google thing the Viacom
thing cuz boy they were mad at you guys
they were so mad at you guys and so
y’all’s lawyer brought me in to say well
how isn’t YouTube great and wouldn’t you
not have a show if it wasn’t for YouTube
and all those kind of questions and the
lawyer for Google would read B
statements that I said on air and I said
well I didn’t say that and and and he
goes no you said you said it on this
broadcast I said no my character said
that and my character is not under oath
right now and they said well if your
character were here
what would he say
and so I would say okay well I’ll tell
you what I’ll tell you what if you ask
me questions that my character has to
answer as opposed to me I’ll move my
coffee cup to the other side of my place
here and then you’ll know I’m speaking
as my character and so they’d ask me a
question I keep my cup over here I kept
it and then in the middle of the
question I start moving it because I
realized they were asking me something
for my character and here we a new
person we go let the record reflect the
coffee cup is now on the I was like I
don’t know what you’re talking up but I
don’t know you’re talking about buddy
thank you guys so much for watching I
hope you enjoyed I made this video
because Adam John I hope I pronounced
that okay asked me to so if there’s a
famous entrepreneur that you want me to
profile next leave it down in comments
below and I’ll see what I can do I also
love to know which the clips had the
biggest impact on you what are you gonna
change in your business or live how are
you gonna apply some of the advice that
Steven had to yourself leave it in the
comments and I’m super curious because I
want to join in the discussion I also
want to give a quick shout out to Ola
from Empire traffic Academy calm Ola
thank you so much for picking up a cup
of my book it really really really means
a lot to me so thank you guys again for
watching I believe in you
I hope you continue to believe in
yourself and whatever your one word is
much love guys I’ll see you soon
no one is safe ladies and gentlemen here
with a special edition of The Colbert
Report Stephen Colbert
thank you ladies and gentlemen before I
begin I’ve been asked to make an
announcement whoever parked 14 black
bulletproof SUVs out front
please move them they’re blocking in 14
other black bulletproof SUVs and they
need to get out Wow
wow what an honor the White House
Correspondents Dinner to actually to sit
here at the same table with my hero
George W Bush to be to be this close to
the man I feel like I’m dreaming
somebody pinch me you know what I’m a
pretty sound sleeper that may not be
enough somebody shoot me in the face is
he really not here tonight damn it the
one guy who could have helped I’m by the
way before I get started if anybody
needs anything else at their tables just
speak slowly and clearly into your table
numbers someone from the NSA will be
right over with a cocktail
Mark Smith ladies and gentlemen the
press corps Madame first lady mr.
president my name is Stephen Colbert and
tonight it is my privilege to celebrate
this president because we’re not so
different he and I we both get it guys
like us we’re not some brainiacs on the
nerd Patrol we’re not members of the
fact in ISTA we go straight from the gut
right sir that’s where the truth lies
right down here in the gut do you know
you have more nerve endings in your gut
than you have in your head you can look
it up now I know some of you gonna say I
did look it up and that’s not true
that’s cuz you looked it up in a book
next time look it up in your gut I did
my gut tells me that’s how our nervous
system works
every night on my show The Colbert
Report I speak straight from the gut
okay I give people the truth unfiltered
by rational argument I call it the no
fact zone FoxNews I hold a copyright on
that term
I’m a simple man with a simple mind to
hold a simple set of beliefs that I live
by number one I believe in America I
believe it exists my gut tells me I live
there I feel that it extends from the
Atlantic to the Pacific and I strongly
believe it has 50 states and I cannot
wait to see how the Washington Post
spins that one tomorrow I believe in
democracy I believe democracy is our
greatest exports
at least until China figures out a way
to stamp it out of plastic for three
cents a unit as a matter of fact
ambassador Joe and John welcome your
great country makes our Happy Meals
possible
I set it to celebration I believe the
government that governs best is the
government that governs least and by
these standards we have set up a
fabulous government in Iraq I believe I
believe in pulling yourself up by your
own bootstraps I believe it is possible
I saw this guy do it once in Cirque de
Soleil it was magical and though I am a
committed Christian I believe that
everyone has the right to their own
religion be you Hindu Jewish or Muslim I
believe there are infinite paths to
accepting Jesus Christ as your personal
Savior
ladies and gentlemen I believe it’s
yogurt but I refuse to believe it’s not
butter most of all I believe in this
president now I know there’s some polls
out there saying that this man has a 32%
approval rating but guys like us we
don’t we don’t pay attention to the
polls we know that that polls are just a
collection of statistics that reflect
what people are thinking in reality and
reality has a well-known liberal bias so
mr. president please please pay no
attention to the people who say the
glass is half-full 32% means the glass
it’s important to set up your jokes
properly sir sir pay no attention to the
people who say the glass is half empty
because 32% means it’s 2/3 empty there’s
still some liquid in that glass is my
point but I wouldn’t drink it last third
is usually backwash okay
look folks my point is that I don’t
believe this is a low point in this
presidency I believe it is just a lull
before I come back I mean it’s like the
movie Rocky all right the present in
this case is Rocky Balboa and Apollo
Creed is everything else in the world
it’s a 10th round he’s bloodied his
corner man Mick who in this case I guess
would be the vice president he’s yelling
cut me dick cut me every time he falls
everyone says stay down rock stay down
but as he stayed down no like Rocky he
gets back up and in the end he actually
loses in the first movie hmm okay
doesn’t matter doesn’t matter the point
is it is the heartwarming story of a man
who is repeatedly punched in the face
so don’t pay attention to the approval
ratings that say that 68% of Americans
disapprove of the job this man is doing
I ask you this does that not also
logically mean that 68% approve of the
job he’s not doing think about it
I haven’t I stand by this man I stand by
this man because he stands for things
not only for things he stands on things
things like aircraft carriers and rubble
and recently flooded city squares and
that sends a strong message that no
matter what happens to America she will
always rebound with the most powerfully
staged photo ops in the world now there
may be an energy crisis well this this
president has a very forward-thinking
energy policy why do you think he’s down
on the ranch cutting that brush all the
time he’s trying to create an
alternative energy source by 2008 we
will have a mesquite powered car
and I just like the guy he’s a good Joe
obviously loves his wife calls her his
better half and Paul show America agrees
she said she’s a true lady and a
wonderful woman but I just have I just
have one beef ma’am I’m sorry but um
this reading initiative I’m sorry I’ve
never been a fan of books I don’t trust
them they’re all fact no heart I mean
they’re elitist
telling us what is or isn’t true or what
did or didn’t happen who’s Britannica to
tell me the Panama Canal was built in
1914 if I want to say it was built in
1941 that’s my right as an American I’m
with the president let history decide
what did or did not happen
the greatest thing about this man is he
steady you know where he stands he
believes the same thing Wednesday that
he believed on Monday no matter what
happened Tuesday events can change this
man’s beliefs never will and as as
excited as I am to be here with the
president I am appalled to be surrounded
by the liberal media that is destroying
America with the exception of Fox News
Fox News gives you both sides of every
story the president’s side and the vice
president’s side but the rest of you
what are you thinking reporting on NSA
wiretapping or secret prisons in Eastern
Europe those things are secret for a
very important reason they’re super
depressing and if that’s your goal well
misery accomplished over the last five
years you people were so good over over
over tax cuts WMD intelligence the
effect of global warming we Americans
didn’t want to know and you had the
courtesy not to try to find out those
were good times as far as we knew
but listen let’s review the rules here’s
how it works the president makes
decisions he’s the decider the press
secretary announces those decisions and
you people have the press
type those decisions down make an ounce
tight just put them through a spell
check and go home get to know your
family again make love to your wife
write that novel you got kicking around
in your head you know the one about the
intrepid Washington reporter with the
courage to stand up to the
administration
you know fiction because really what
incentive do these people have to answer
your questions after all I mean nothing
satisfies you everybody asks for
personnel changes so the White House has
personnel changes and then you write oh
they’re just rearranging the deck chairs
on the Titanic first of all that is a
terrible metaphor there this
administration is not sinking this
administration is soaring if anything
they are rearranging the deck chairs on
the Hindenburg
now it’s not all it’s not all bad guys
out there some there’s some of the
heroes out there tonight Christopher
Buckley Jeff sacks Ken Burns Bob
Schieffer I’ve interviewed all of them
by the way mr. Pressman thank you for
agreeing to be on my show I appreciate
it I was just as shocked as everyone
here is I promise you how’s Tuesday for
you I’ve got Frank Rich but we can just
bump him I mean bump him I know a guy
say the word see who we got here tonight
we have general Moseley Air Force chief
of staff we’ve got General Peter pace
chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff
they still support Rumsfeld right you
guys aren’t retired yet right
right they still support Rumsfeld look
I’ve got by the way I’ve got I’ve got a
theory about how to handle these retired
generals I’ve caused all this trouble
don’t let them retire come on we’ve got
a stoploss program let’s use it on these
guys
I’ve seen the zinni in that crowd on
Wolf Blitzer if you’re strong enough to
go on one of those pundit shows you’re
strong enough to stand on a bank of
computers and order men into battle come
on
Jesse Jackson is here the Reverend
haven’t heard from the Reverend just a
little while I had him on the show was
very interesting into your very
challenging interview you can ask him
anything but he’s gonna say what he
wants at the pace that he wants it’s
like boxing a glacier enjoy that
metaphor by the way because your
grandchildren will have no idea what a
glacier is
Justice Scalia is here Justice Scalia
may be the first to say welcome sir you
look fantastic
how are you
Stockton’s some Sicilian with my paisan
john mccain is here John McCain what a
maverick somebody somebody find out what
fork he used on his salad because I
guarantee you it wasn’t a salad fork
this guy could have used a spoon there’s
no predicting him by the way Senator
McCain so wonderful see you coming back
into the Republican fold I’ve actually
got a summer house in South Carolina
look me up when you go to speak at Bob
Jones University so glad you’ve seen the
light sir mayor Nagin mayor Nagin is
here from New Orleans the chocolate city
yeah give it up
mayor Nagin I’d like to welcome you to
Washington DC the chocolate city with a
marshmallow Center
and a graham cracker crust of corruption
it’s a mallomar I guess is what I’m
describing as a mallomar it’s a
seasonable cookie Joe Wilson is here Joe
Wilson right down here in front the most
famous husband since Desi Arnaz
and of course he brought along his
lovely wife Valerie Plame oh my god Oh
what have I said I she Minetti I am
sorry mr. president I meant to say he
brought along his lovely wife Joe
Wilson’s wife Patrick Fitzgerald is not
here tonight right okay
dodged a bullet and of course we can’t
forget man of the hour new press
secretary Tony Snow Secret Service name
snow job toughest job what a hero took
the second toughest job in government
next to of course the Ambassador to Iraq
got some big shoes to fill Tony big
shoes to fill
Scott McClellan could say nothing like
nobody else McClellan of course you got
to retire really really felt like he
needed to spend more time with Andrew
cards children
mr. president I wish you hadn’t made the
decision so quickly sir I I I was vying
for the job myself I I think I would
have made a fabulous press secretary I
have nothing but contempt for these
people I know how to handle these clowns
in fact sir I brought along an audition
tape and with your indulgence I’d like
to at least give it a shot so ladies and
gentlemen my press conference
I have a brief statement
the press is destroying America okay
let’s see who we got here today
stretch sir nerdling ten sloppy joe
terry lemon meringue pie nope
doubting Thomas always a pleasure and
suzanne mal hello yes will the vice
president be available soon to answer
all questions himself I’ve already
addressed that question you Walter
Cronkite denoted CBS anchor I know he’s
the former CBS anchor Katie Couric is
the anchor of the CBS Evening News
lately how do you guys feel about that
you talk with hair guy in the back are
you happy about Katie Couric taking over
the CBS Evening News no sir mr. Colbert
you
oh look we updated Gregory up David you
have a question do Carlo commit a crime
I don’t know I’ll ask him
Carl pay attention please do you stand
by your statement from the fall of 2003
when you are asked specifically about
Carl and Elliott Abrams is food livvie
and you said I’ve gone to each of those
gentlemen and they have told me they are
not involved in this do you stand by
that statement no just kidding
no you’re not finished you’re not saying
anything you stood at that podium and
that’s where you’re wrong
new podium just how to deliver today get
your facts straight there but this is
ridiculous
the notion that you’re gonna stand
before us after having commented with
that level of detail and tell people
watching this but somehow you decided
not to talk if I can’t hear you I can’t
answer your question I’m sorry I happen
to launch yep Terry after the
investigation began after the criminal
investigation was underway you said all
of a sudden you have respect for the
sanctity of the criminal investigation
no I never had any respect for the
sanctity of a criminal investigation
activist judges yes Helen you’re gonna
be sorry
what’s he gonna do Helens asked before a
recipe your decision to invade Iraq has
caused the deaths of thousands of
Americans and Iraqis foods of Americans
and Iraqis for a lifetime all every
knows it was given publicly look X
turned out not to be true I don’t think
I should miss why did you really want to
go to war Helen I must stop doing this
no cabinet form of office
Rick’s in there I’ve never been so
insulted my stupid job
thank God help me she won’t stop asking
why are we invaded Iraq
No
we got it Oh God
what a terrible trip Danny take me home
Helen Thomas ladies and gentlemen
mr. Schmitt members of the White House
Correspondents Association madam first
lady mr. president it’s been a true
honor thank you very much
good night
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