I always knew as a kid that I was a
writer but I never really knew what I
wanted to do whenever you see me
somewhere succeeding in one area of my
life
that almost certainly means I am failing
in another area of my life literally not
allowed to play Scrabble in my house
because of because of fights that break
out I tried to write a novel like a
really intricate Toni Morrison esque
novel and it is terrible
she’s a television producer and writer
she’s a creator head writer and
executive producer of the hit medical
drama series Grey’s Anatomy she was
named one of Time Magazine’s 100 people
who helped shape the world
she Shonda Rhimes and here’s my take on
her top ten rules of success rule number
ten is my personal favorite and I’m
curious to figure out which one you guys
liked the most also a Shonda is talking
if she says something that really really
deeply resonates with you please leave
it down the comments below and put
quotes around it so other people can be
inspired as well
I spent a lot of time and a lot of
people spend a lot of time thinking of
all the things they want to do and
talking about it but the idea that
you’re not actually doing anything to
get to where you want to go you’re
waiting for some sort of big magical
moment or some door to open or some I
don’t know some interesting illuminating
thing to happen is very different from
the hard day to day slogging through
step by step I’m going to climb this
ladder here’s an opportunity I’m going
to run for it
any little small moment oh they want me
no I want to be a writer somebody what’s
going to be an intern at their
production company I will go do that
somebody wants me to go you know work at
this job I will do that oh I’m going to
go work at this sort of awful job
because it’s going to pay the bill so I
can write at night well I’m going to do
that because that’s a way to get where I
want to go people to want to do those
things because I think that they’re
waiting for the big break and I think
that hard work and being a doer and
taking every opportunity that comes your
way whether or not it seems like the
most amazing one is the way to go I
always knew as a kid that I was a writer
but I never really knew what I wanted to
do I always believed that that wasn’t a
real job so I thought that all of the
things that interested me like maybe I’d
be a doctor maybe I’d be a lawyer maybe
I’d go work in Washington I always
thought that those were the things that
I actually wanted to do for a living
instead of understanding that those were
the things I wanted to research and
write about for a living as you try to
figure out the impossible task of
juggling work and family and you hear
over and over and over again that you
just need a lot of help we just need to
be organized we need to try a little bit
harder as a very successful woman a
single mother of three who constantly
gets asked the question how do you do it
all for once I’m going to answer that
question with 100% honesty here for you
now because it’s just us because it’s
our fireside chat because somebody has
to tell you the truth Shonda how do you
do it all the answer is this I don’t
whenever you see me somewhere succeeding
in one area of my life that almost
certainly means I am failing in another
area of my life if I am killing it on a
scandal script for work I am probably
missing bath and storytime at home if I
am at home sewing my kids Halloween
costumes I’m probably blowing off a
rewrite I was supposed to turn in if I’m
accepting a prestigious award
I’m missing my babies for a swim lesson
if I met my daughter’s debut in her
school musical I am missing Sandra Oh’s
last seen ever being filmed at Grey’s
Anatomy
if I am succeeding at one I am
inevitably failing at the other that is
the trade-off
that’s the Faustian bargain one makes
with the devil that comes with being a
powerful working woman who is also a
powerful mother you never feel 100% okay
you never get your sea legs you’re
always a little nauseous something is
always lost something is always missing
and yet I want my daughters to see me
and know me as a woman who works
I want that example set for them I like
how proud they’re um they come to my
offices and know that they come to Shaun
to land there is a land and it is named
after their mother in their world
mothers run companies in their world
mothers own Thursday nights in their
world mothers work and I am a better
mother for it the woman I am because I
get to run shaundalyn because I get to
ride all day because I get to spend my
days making things up that woman is a
better person and a better mother
because that woman is happy that woman
is fulfilled
that woman is whole I wouldn’t want them
to know than me who didn’t get to do
this all day long
I didn’t wouldn’t want them to get to
know the me who wasn’t doing so lesson
number three is it anyone who tells you
they’re doing it all perfectly is a liar
that inner critic you’re not good enough
you failed you’re not a good enough
mother you’re not a good enough person
is rampant or was rampant in you how did
you silence that so like you ate the
fried chicken you suck I’m you know like
I would do that
yeah and then you’re like okay I ate the
fried chicken I might as well eat a pint
of you know ice cream that I might as
well yeah and so and then the circle
begins I can’t do anything I’m a loser
and then there it goes it’s but it’s
true we I think we all have that in us
and I I am an extraordinarily
competitive person I come from so many
some letters I come from a big family my
big family is very competitive we’re
literally not allowed to play Scrabble
in my house because I because of fights
that break out my mother’s like you’re
not allowed and because of that
competitiveness I’m really hard on
myself and I’m the youngest of six so
I’ve sort of been the bottom of that
competitiveness and so you’re always
pushing harder that thing makes you
intense and it makes you really really
sort of OCD and hard on yourself part of
what I tried to do was let it be okay to
mess up and give myself permission and
think how would I treat somebody else
why could I treat other people better
than I could treat myself because I
could I could fight for anybody who
worked for me I could laddie ate for
anybody at work and tell anybody off and
for anybody else I could treat anybody
else wonderfully but when it came to
myself I let people treat me like crap
and I treated myself that way and it
felt like I respected myself far less
than I respected everybody else and so I
just tried to respect myself easier said
the done how do you begin to quote
respect yourself um little bit of it was
the self care the more you say yes and
the more you realize that you’re
succeeding and that you’re overcoming
something the better you feel the more
powerful you feel the more successful
you feel and the better you feel about
yourself honestly when I conquered being
afraid of public speaking I started to
feel like oh I’m good at that okay well
it’s work it works you start to feel
like you’re in control as opposed to
feeling like it’s just set that you’re a
loser or something I’m a writer I’m
supposed to be behind the scenes and
everybody else is supposed to be in
front of the stuff now she’s finally in
front of the cameras the famously
private woman talking about her epic
struggles with anxiety and her fear of
public speaking
what physiologically happens when you’re
having that
stage-four panic attack there’s a little
bit of panicked breathing there’s a lot
of pacing back and forth and mumbling to
myself despite being invited to every
glamorous party in Hollywood she’d make
excuses saying she was just too busy
until one day her sister provoked her I
was sort of going on and on and on about
like all of the invitations that I’d
received and my sister finally sort of
cut in and said are you going to say yes
to any of these things and I remember
being very taken aback and saying no I’m
busy I can’t and her sort of looking at
me like that’s insane and at some point
just saying you never say yes to
anything and those words really sticking
with me because she was right and so
this became a campaign to say yes to the
things that scared you yeah it’s a yes
the things that freaks me out and when
you started saying yes what started to
happen it’s the doing of the thing that
sort of undoes the fear the idea now to
me that I wanted to be Toni Morrison
seems very sad really because you write
Toni Morrison’s not giving up her job
Toni Morrison’s what busy being Toni
Morrison that job opening is not
available and it sort of led me to being
more authentically me actually by really
just sort of finding a path that was
like here’s an opening I’m gonna go for
that and that’s how I discovered writing
in television and that’s how I
discovered you know what kind of writing
fit me because you didn’t expect to do
this when you’re at Dartmouth no and let
me tell you I tried to write a novel
like a really intricate Toni Morrison
esque novel and it is terrible I am NOT
Toni Morrison but this feels right to me
and when I started writing television it
felt like oh this is what I should have
been doing all my life it was like a
light bulb went off what makes a good
leader in your mind what have you
learned about leadership and what does
it take away for people hear about a
first step towards being a better leader
I don’t think that you have to be me I
really only feel like I started truly
learning how to be a leader about two or
three years ago when partially when this
process started when I got braver about
it I think it’s a willingness to
to really delve into this stuff to have
the difficult conversations that’s
another part of the book of really being
willing to have those conversations that
nobody wants to have that we spend all
of our time avoiding sitting down with
people you work with and saying here’s
the deal or what’s going on or you know
all those things that we spend all of
our time avoiding just jumping right in
and those things solve problems those
things make life so much easier those
things cross bridges in ways that you
never thought would happen that for me
has been the single greatest thing that
has changed the way I work with
everybody because now everyone feels
like a I’m going to tell them the truth
and B they can tell me anything I love
the idea that I’m not somebody that
they’re afraid of there’s some weird
world in which anybody gives you a
compliment your response is oh it’s not
that big of a deal and even you shonda
rhimes creator of all this fabulousness
was like oh no I was lucky it makes you
feel arrogant to sort of somehow
acknowledge that you’ve had some part in
it which is ridiculous own who you are
and what you’ve done be proud of it you
talk in the book about that you used to
shy away from difficult conversations
and that you realize that the more you
you know youyou wanted to say something
but you didn’t so you ate it oh really
you ate it so nammed right and that the
first time you actually said to somebody
like that doesn’t work for me
or you gave yourself permission to say
no in the year of yes that all of a
sudden you felt free people are afraid
to say that doesn’t work for me
or no because they’ll lose a friend they
may lose a spouse they may lose a child
tough love as we call it or saying that
doesn’t work for me is a really hard
thing to say but the thing that we fear
will happen you’re still fearing it
while you’re avoiding it so the entire
time you’re not doing that having the
conversation or saying the thing you
need to say you’re basically terrified
that that thing’s going to happen so
it’s in there and on you and pressing on
you and for me I was just eating a whole
lot of stuff
but once you have the conversation I had
one really hard conversation that ended
with a really close friend of mine just
saying some of the worst things to me I
never heard anybody say and instead of
feeling awful I found myself feeling
invigorated and relieved and a little
bit exhilarated because I had told her
how I felt and she had told me who she
was and now that I knew that I was like
this is like a superpower because you
unmasked people immediately and that was
such a relief and felt so simple the
across the field of a difficult
conversation lies peace so a while ago I
tried an experiment for one year I would
say yes to all the things that scared me
anything that made me nervous
took me out of my comfort zone I forced
myself to say yes to did I want to speak
in public no but yes did I want to be on
live TV no but yes did I want to try
acting no no no but yes yes yes
and a crazy thing happened the very act
of doing the thing that scared me
undid the fear made it not scary my fear
of public speaking my social anxiety
poof gone it’s amazing the power of one
word yes changed my life yes changed me
but there was one particular yes that
affected my life in the most profound
way in a way I never imagined and it
started with a question from my toddler
I have these three amazing daughters
Harper Beckett and Emerson and ever
since a toddler who inexplicably refers
to everyone as honey as though she’s a
Southern waitress
honey I’m gonna need some milk from a
sippy cup the southern waitress asked me
to play with her one evening when I was
on my way somewhere and I said yes and
that yes was the beginning of a new way
of life for my family I made a vow that
from now on every time what if my
children asks me to play no matter what
I’m doing or where I’m going I say yes
every single time
almost I’m not perfect at it but I try
hard to practice it and it’s had a
magical effect on me on my children on
our family but it’s also had a stunning
side effect and it wasn’t until recently
that I fully understood it that I
understood that saying yes to playing
with my children likely saved my career
see I have what most people would call a
dream job I’m a writer I imagine I make
stuff up for a living dream job no I’m a
Titan dream job I create television I
executive produced television I make
television a great deal of television in
one way or another this TV season I’m
responsible for bringing about 70 hours
of programming to the world for
television programs 70 hours of TV three
shows in production at a time sometimes
for each show creates hundreds of jobs
that didn’t exist before the budget for
one episode of network television can be
anywhere from three to six million
dollars let’s just say five a new
episode made every nine days times for
show so every nine days at twenty
million dollars worth of television four
television programs seventy hours of TV
three shows in production at a time
sometimes for 16 episodes going on at
all times 24 episodes of gray’s 21
episodes of scandal 15 episodes how to
get away with murder two episodes the
catch that’s 70 hours of TV that’s 350
million dollars for a season in America
my television shows are back to back to
back on Thursday night around the world
my shows air 256 territories and 67
languages for an audience of 30 million
people my brain is global and 45 hours
of that seven hours of TV are shows I
personally created and not just produced
so on top of everything else I need to
find time real quiet creative time to
gather my fans around the campfire and
tell my stories for television programs
the hours of TV three shows in
production at a time sometimes for 350
million dollars campfires burning all
over the world you know who else is
doing that
nobody so like I said I’m a Titan dream
job now I don’t tell you this to impress
you I tell you this because I know what
you think of when you hear the word
writer I tell you this so that all of
you out there who work so hard whether
you run a company or a country or a
classroom or a store or a home take me
seriously when I talk about working so
you’ll get that I don’t peck at a
computer and imagine all day
so you’ll hear me when I say that I
understand that a dream job is not about
dreaming it’s all job all work all
reality all blood all sweat no tears I
work a lot very hard and I love it when
I am hard at work when I am deep in it
there is no other feeling for me my work
is at all times building a nation out of
thin air it is Manning the troops it is
painting a canvas it is hitting every
high note it is running a marathon it is
being beyond say and it is all of those
things at the same time I love working
it is creative and mechanical and
exhausting and exhilarating and
hilarious and disturbing and clinical
and maternal and cruel and judicious and
what makes it also good is the hum there
is some kind of shift inside me when the
work gets good a hum begins in my brain
and it grows and it grows and that hum
sounds like the open road and I could
drive it forever and a lot of people
when I try to explain the hum they
assume that I’m talking about the
writing that my writing brings me joy
and don’t get me wrong it does but the
hum it wasn’t until I started making
television that I started working
working and making and building and
creating and collaborating that I
discovered this thing this buzz this
rush this hum the hum is more than
writing the hum is action and activity
the hum is a drug the hum is music the
hum is light and air the hum is God’s
whisper right in my ear and when you
have a hum
that you can’t help but strive for
greatness that feeling you can’t help
but stifle greatness at any cost that’s
called the hum or maybe it’s called
being a workaholic maybe it’s called
genius
maybe it’s called ego maybe it’s just
fear of failure I don’t know I just know
that I’m not built for failure and I
just know that I love the hum I just
know that I want to tell you I’m a Titan
and I know that I don’t want to question
it but here’s the thing the more
successful I become the more shows the
more episodes the more barriers broken
the more work there is to do the more
balls in the air the more eyes on me the
more history stares the more
expectations there are the more I work
to be successful the more I need to work
and what did I say about work I love
working write the nation I’m building
the marathon i’m running the troops the
canvas the high note the hum hum the hum
I like that hum I love that hum I need
that hum I am that hum am i nothing but
that hum and then the hum stopped
overworked overused overdone burned-out
the hum stopped though my three
daughters are used to the truth that
their mother is a single working Titan
Harper tells people my mom won’t be
there but you can text my nanny and
Emerson says honey I’m wanting to go to
shondaland they’re children of a Titan
their baby titans they were 12 three and
one when the hum stopped the hum of the
engine died I stopped loving work
I couldn’t restart the engine the hum
would not come back
my hum was broken I was doing the same
things I always did all the same Titan
work 15 hour days working straight
through the weekends no regrets never
surrender a Titan never sleeps a Titan
never quits full hearts clear eyes yada
whatever
but there was no hum inside me was
silence for television program 70 hours
of TV free shows in production at a time
sometimes for for television programs 70
hours of TV shows in production at the
time sometimes for I was the perfect
Titan I was a Titan you could take home
to your mother all the colors were the
same and I was no longer having any fun
and it was my life it was all I did I
was the hum and the hum was me so what
do you do in the thing you do the work
you love starts to taste like dust now I
know somebody’s out there thinking cry
me a river stupid writer Titan lady but
you know you do if you make if you work
if you love what you do being a teacher
being a banker being a mother being a
painter being Bill Gates if you simply
love another person if that gives you
the hum if you know the hum if you know
what the hum feels like if you have been
to the hum when the hum stops who are
you what are you what am I am I is still
a Titan if the song of my heart ceases
to play can I survive in the silence and
then my southern waitress toddler asks
me a question I’m on my way out the door
I’m late and she says mama want to play
and I’m just about to say no when I
realized two things one I’m supposed to
say yes to everything and to my southern
waitress didn’t call me honey
she’s not calling everyone honey anymore
when did that happen
I’m missing it being a Titan than
mourning my hum and here she is changing
right before my eyes
and so she says mama want to play and I
say yes there’s nothing special about it
we play and we’re joined by her sisters
and there’s a lot of laughing and I give
a dramatic reading from the book
everybody poops nothing out of the
ordinary
and yet it is extraordinary because in
my pain and my panic in the homelessness
of my homelessness I have nothing to do
but pay attention I focus I am still the
nation on building the marathon i’m
running the troops the canvass behind
does not exist all that exists are
sticky fingers and gooey kisses and tiny
voices and crayons and that song about
letting go of whatever it is that frozen
girl needs to let go of it’s all peace
and simplicity the air is so rare in
this place for me that i can barely
breathe i can barely believe i’m
breathing
play is the opposite of work and i am
happy something in me loosens a door in
my brain swings open and a rush of
energy comes and it’s not instantaneous
but it happens it does happen i feel it
a hum creeps back not at full volume
barely there it’s quiet not to stay very
still to hear it but it is there not v
hum but a hum and now i feel like i know
a very magical secret well let’s not get
carried away it’s just love that’s all
it is no magic no secret it’s just love
just something we forgot the hum the
work hum the hum of the titan that’s
just a replacement if i have to ask you
who i am if i have to tell you who I am
if I describe myself in terms of shows
and hours of television and how globally
badass my brain is I have forgotten what
the real hum is the hum is not power and
the hum is not work specific the hum is
joy specific the real hum is love
specific the hum is the electricity that
comes from being excited by life the
real hum is confidence and peace
the real hum ignores the stare of
history and the balls in the air and the
expectation and the pressure the real
calm is singular and original
the real hum is God’s whisper in my ear
but maybe God was whispering the wrong
words because which one of the gods was
telling me I was a Titan it’s just love
we could all use a little more love a
lot more love anytime my child asked me
to play I will say yes I make it a firm
rule for one reason to give myself
permission to free me from all of my
workaholic guilt it’s a law so I don’t
have a choice and I don’t have a choice
not if I want to feel the hum I wish it
were that easy but I’m not good at
playing I don’t like it I’m not
interested in doing it the way I am
interested in doing work the truth is
incredibly humbling and humiliating to
face I don’t like playing I work all the
time because I like working I like
working more than I like being at home
facing that fact is incredibly difficult
to handle because what kind of person
likes working more than being at home
well me I mean let’s be honest I call
myself a Titan I’ve got issues
and one of those issues isn’t that I am
too relaxed we run around the yard up
and back and up and back we have 30
second dance parties we sing show tunes
we play with balls
I blow bubbles and they pop them and I
feel stiff and delirious and confused
most of the time I H for my cell phone
always but it is okay my tiny human show
me how to live and the hum of the
universe fills me up I play and I play
until I begin to wonder why we ever
stopped playing in the first place you
can do it to say yes every time your
child asks you to play are you thinking
maybe that I’m an idiot and diamond
shoes you’re right but you can still do
this you have time you know why because
you’re not Rihanna and you’re not a
muppet your child does not think you’re
that interesting you only need 15
minutes my two and four-year-old only
ever want to play with me for about 15
minutes or so before they think to
themselves they want to do something
else it’s an amazing 15 minutes but it’s
15 minutes I’m not a ladybug or a piece
of candy I’m invisible
after 15 minutes and my 13 year old if I
can get a 13 year old to talk to me for
15 minutes
I’m parent of the year
fifteen minutes is all you need I can
totally pull off 15 minutes of
uninterrupted time on my worst day
uninterrupted is the key no cell phone
no laundry no anything you busy life you
have to get dinner on the table you have
to force them to bathe but you can do 15
minutes my kids are my happy place
they’re my world but it doesn’t have to
be your kids the fuel that feeds your
home the place where life feels more
good than not good it’s not about
playing with your kids it’s about joy
it’s about playing in general give
yourself the 15 minutes find what makes
you feel good just figure it out
and play in that arena I’m not perfect
at it in fact I fail as often as I
succeed seeing friends reading books
staring into space what a place starts
to become shorthand for indulging myself
in ways I’d given up on right around the
time I got my first TV show right around
the time I became a Titan in training
right around the time I started
competing with myself for ways unknown
15 minutes what could be wrong with
giving myself my full attention for 15
minutes turns out nothing the very act
of not working has made it possible for
the hum to return as if the hums engine
could only refuel while I was away
work doesn’t work without play it takes
a little time but after a few months one
day the floodgates open and there’s a
rush and I find myself standing in my
office filled with an unfamiliar melody
full on groove inside me and around me
and it sends me spinning with ideas and
the humming road is open and I can drive
it and drive it and I love working again
but now I like that hum but I don’t love
that hum I don’t need that hum I am NOT
that hum that hum is not me not anymore
I am bubbles and sticky fingers and
dinners with friends I am that hum
life’s hum love’s hum works hum is still
a piece of me it is just no longer all
of me and I am so grateful
and I don’t give a crap about being a
Titan because I’ve never once seen a
Titan play Red Rover Red Rover I said
yes to less work and more play and
somehow I still run my world my brain is
still global my campfire still burn the
more I play the happier I am and happier
my kids are the more I play the more I
feel like a good mother
the more I play the free or my mind
becomes the more I play the better I
work the more I play the more I feel the
hum the nation on building the marathon
i’m running the troops the canvas the
hideout the hum the hum the other hum
the real hum life’s hum the more I feel
that hum the more this strange quivering
unka kun awkward brand new alive non
Titan feels like me the more I feel that
hum the more I Know Who I am
I’m a writer I make stuff up by imagine
that part of the job that’s living the
dream that’s the dream of the job
because a dream job should be a little
bit dreaming I said yes to less work and
more play Titans need not apply
want to play thank you
thank you guys so much for watching I
made this video because to hear a Barney
asked me to so if there’s a famous
entrepreneur that you would like me to
profile next please leave it down the
comments below and I’ll see what I can
do
I’d also love to know what the trying to
say that really had a big impact on you
what was your favorite clip what lesson
did you learn and why please leave it
down in the comments below I’m going to
join in the discussion thank you again
for watching I believe in you I hope you
continue to believe in yourself in
whatever your one word is much love I’ll
see you soon
writer but I never really knew what I
wanted to do whenever you see me
somewhere succeeding in one area of my
life
that almost certainly means I am failing
in another area of my life literally not
allowed to play Scrabble in my house
because of because of fights that break
out I tried to write a novel like a
really intricate Toni Morrison esque
novel and it is terrible
she’s a television producer and writer
she’s a creator head writer and
executive producer of the hit medical
drama series Grey’s Anatomy she was
named one of Time Magazine’s 100 people
who helped shape the world
she Shonda Rhimes and here’s my take on
her top ten rules of success rule number
ten is my personal favorite and I’m
curious to figure out which one you guys
liked the most also a Shonda is talking
if she says something that really really
deeply resonates with you please leave
it down the comments below and put
quotes around it so other people can be
inspired as well
I spent a lot of time and a lot of
people spend a lot of time thinking of
all the things they want to do and
talking about it but the idea that
you’re not actually doing anything to
get to where you want to go you’re
waiting for some sort of big magical
moment or some door to open or some I
don’t know some interesting illuminating
thing to happen is very different from
the hard day to day slogging through
step by step I’m going to climb this
ladder here’s an opportunity I’m going
to run for it
any little small moment oh they want me
no I want to be a writer somebody what’s
going to be an intern at their
production company I will go do that
somebody wants me to go you know work at
this job I will do that oh I’m going to
go work at this sort of awful job
because it’s going to pay the bill so I
can write at night well I’m going to do
that because that’s a way to get where I
want to go people to want to do those
things because I think that they’re
waiting for the big break and I think
that hard work and being a doer and
taking every opportunity that comes your
way whether or not it seems like the
most amazing one is the way to go I
always knew as a kid that I was a writer
but I never really knew what I wanted to
do I always believed that that wasn’t a
real job so I thought that all of the
things that interested me like maybe I’d
be a doctor maybe I’d be a lawyer maybe
I’d go work in Washington I always
thought that those were the things that
I actually wanted to do for a living
instead of understanding that those were
the things I wanted to research and
write about for a living as you try to
figure out the impossible task of
juggling work and family and you hear
over and over and over again that you
just need a lot of help we just need to
be organized we need to try a little bit
harder as a very successful woman a
single mother of three who constantly
gets asked the question how do you do it
all for once I’m going to answer that
question with 100% honesty here for you
now because it’s just us because it’s
our fireside chat because somebody has
to tell you the truth Shonda how do you
do it all the answer is this I don’t
whenever you see me somewhere succeeding
in one area of my life that almost
certainly means I am failing in another
area of my life if I am killing it on a
scandal script for work I am probably
missing bath and storytime at home if I
am at home sewing my kids Halloween
costumes I’m probably blowing off a
rewrite I was supposed to turn in if I’m
accepting a prestigious award
I’m missing my babies for a swim lesson
if I met my daughter’s debut in her
school musical I am missing Sandra Oh’s
last seen ever being filmed at Grey’s
Anatomy
if I am succeeding at one I am
inevitably failing at the other that is
the trade-off
that’s the Faustian bargain one makes
with the devil that comes with being a
powerful working woman who is also a
powerful mother you never feel 100% okay
you never get your sea legs you’re
always a little nauseous something is
always lost something is always missing
and yet I want my daughters to see me
and know me as a woman who works
I want that example set for them I like
how proud they’re um they come to my
offices and know that they come to Shaun
to land there is a land and it is named
after their mother in their world
mothers run companies in their world
mothers own Thursday nights in their
world mothers work and I am a better
mother for it the woman I am because I
get to run shaundalyn because I get to
ride all day because I get to spend my
days making things up that woman is a
better person and a better mother
because that woman is happy that woman
is fulfilled
that woman is whole I wouldn’t want them
to know than me who didn’t get to do
this all day long
I didn’t wouldn’t want them to get to
know the me who wasn’t doing so lesson
number three is it anyone who tells you
they’re doing it all perfectly is a liar
that inner critic you’re not good enough
you failed you’re not a good enough
mother you’re not a good enough person
is rampant or was rampant in you how did
you silence that so like you ate the
fried chicken you suck I’m you know like
I would do that
yeah and then you’re like okay I ate the
fried chicken I might as well eat a pint
of you know ice cream that I might as
well yeah and so and then the circle
begins I can’t do anything I’m a loser
and then there it goes it’s but it’s
true we I think we all have that in us
and I I am an extraordinarily
competitive person I come from so many
some letters I come from a big family my
big family is very competitive we’re
literally not allowed to play Scrabble
in my house because I because of fights
that break out my mother’s like you’re
not allowed and because of that
competitiveness I’m really hard on
myself and I’m the youngest of six so
I’ve sort of been the bottom of that
competitiveness and so you’re always
pushing harder that thing makes you
intense and it makes you really really
sort of OCD and hard on yourself part of
what I tried to do was let it be okay to
mess up and give myself permission and
think how would I treat somebody else
why could I treat other people better
than I could treat myself because I
could I could fight for anybody who
worked for me I could laddie ate for
anybody at work and tell anybody off and
for anybody else I could treat anybody
else wonderfully but when it came to
myself I let people treat me like crap
and I treated myself that way and it
felt like I respected myself far less
than I respected everybody else and so I
just tried to respect myself easier said
the done how do you begin to quote
respect yourself um little bit of it was
the self care the more you say yes and
the more you realize that you’re
succeeding and that you’re overcoming
something the better you feel the more
powerful you feel the more successful
you feel and the better you feel about
yourself honestly when I conquered being
afraid of public speaking I started to
feel like oh I’m good at that okay well
it’s work it works you start to feel
like you’re in control as opposed to
feeling like it’s just set that you’re a
loser or something I’m a writer I’m
supposed to be behind the scenes and
everybody else is supposed to be in
front of the stuff now she’s finally in
front of the cameras the famously
private woman talking about her epic
struggles with anxiety and her fear of
public speaking
what physiologically happens when you’re
having that
stage-four panic attack there’s a little
bit of panicked breathing there’s a lot
of pacing back and forth and mumbling to
myself despite being invited to every
glamorous party in Hollywood she’d make
excuses saying she was just too busy
until one day her sister provoked her I
was sort of going on and on and on about
like all of the invitations that I’d
received and my sister finally sort of
cut in and said are you going to say yes
to any of these things and I remember
being very taken aback and saying no I’m
busy I can’t and her sort of looking at
me like that’s insane and at some point
just saying you never say yes to
anything and those words really sticking
with me because she was right and so
this became a campaign to say yes to the
things that scared you yeah it’s a yes
the things that freaks me out and when
you started saying yes what started to
happen it’s the doing of the thing that
sort of undoes the fear the idea now to
me that I wanted to be Toni Morrison
seems very sad really because you write
Toni Morrison’s not giving up her job
Toni Morrison’s what busy being Toni
Morrison that job opening is not
available and it sort of led me to being
more authentically me actually by really
just sort of finding a path that was
like here’s an opening I’m gonna go for
that and that’s how I discovered writing
in television and that’s how I
discovered you know what kind of writing
fit me because you didn’t expect to do
this when you’re at Dartmouth no and let
me tell you I tried to write a novel
like a really intricate Toni Morrison
esque novel and it is terrible I am NOT
Toni Morrison but this feels right to me
and when I started writing television it
felt like oh this is what I should have
been doing all my life it was like a
light bulb went off what makes a good
leader in your mind what have you
learned about leadership and what does
it take away for people hear about a
first step towards being a better leader
I don’t think that you have to be me I
really only feel like I started truly
learning how to be a leader about two or
three years ago when partially when this
process started when I got braver about
it I think it’s a willingness to
to really delve into this stuff to have
the difficult conversations that’s
another part of the book of really being
willing to have those conversations that
nobody wants to have that we spend all
of our time avoiding sitting down with
people you work with and saying here’s
the deal or what’s going on or you know
all those things that we spend all of
our time avoiding just jumping right in
and those things solve problems those
things make life so much easier those
things cross bridges in ways that you
never thought would happen that for me
has been the single greatest thing that
has changed the way I work with
everybody because now everyone feels
like a I’m going to tell them the truth
and B they can tell me anything I love
the idea that I’m not somebody that
they’re afraid of there’s some weird
world in which anybody gives you a
compliment your response is oh it’s not
that big of a deal and even you shonda
rhimes creator of all this fabulousness
was like oh no I was lucky it makes you
feel arrogant to sort of somehow
acknowledge that you’ve had some part in
it which is ridiculous own who you are
and what you’ve done be proud of it you
talk in the book about that you used to
shy away from difficult conversations
and that you realize that the more you
you know youyou wanted to say something
but you didn’t so you ate it oh really
you ate it so nammed right and that the
first time you actually said to somebody
like that doesn’t work for me
or you gave yourself permission to say
no in the year of yes that all of a
sudden you felt free people are afraid
to say that doesn’t work for me
or no because they’ll lose a friend they
may lose a spouse they may lose a child
tough love as we call it or saying that
doesn’t work for me is a really hard
thing to say but the thing that we fear
will happen you’re still fearing it
while you’re avoiding it so the entire
time you’re not doing that having the
conversation or saying the thing you
need to say you’re basically terrified
that that thing’s going to happen so
it’s in there and on you and pressing on
you and for me I was just eating a whole
lot of stuff
but once you have the conversation I had
one really hard conversation that ended
with a really close friend of mine just
saying some of the worst things to me I
never heard anybody say and instead of
feeling awful I found myself feeling
invigorated and relieved and a little
bit exhilarated because I had told her
how I felt and she had told me who she
was and now that I knew that I was like
this is like a superpower because you
unmasked people immediately and that was
such a relief and felt so simple the
across the field of a difficult
conversation lies peace so a while ago I
tried an experiment for one year I would
say yes to all the things that scared me
anything that made me nervous
took me out of my comfort zone I forced
myself to say yes to did I want to speak
in public no but yes did I want to be on
live TV no but yes did I want to try
acting no no no but yes yes yes
and a crazy thing happened the very act
of doing the thing that scared me
undid the fear made it not scary my fear
of public speaking my social anxiety
poof gone it’s amazing the power of one
word yes changed my life yes changed me
but there was one particular yes that
affected my life in the most profound
way in a way I never imagined and it
started with a question from my toddler
I have these three amazing daughters
Harper Beckett and Emerson and ever
since a toddler who inexplicably refers
to everyone as honey as though she’s a
Southern waitress
honey I’m gonna need some milk from a
sippy cup the southern waitress asked me
to play with her one evening when I was
on my way somewhere and I said yes and
that yes was the beginning of a new way
of life for my family I made a vow that
from now on every time what if my
children asks me to play no matter what
I’m doing or where I’m going I say yes
every single time
almost I’m not perfect at it but I try
hard to practice it and it’s had a
magical effect on me on my children on
our family but it’s also had a stunning
side effect and it wasn’t until recently
that I fully understood it that I
understood that saying yes to playing
with my children likely saved my career
see I have what most people would call a
dream job I’m a writer I imagine I make
stuff up for a living dream job no I’m a
Titan dream job I create television I
executive produced television I make
television a great deal of television in
one way or another this TV season I’m
responsible for bringing about 70 hours
of programming to the world for
television programs 70 hours of TV three
shows in production at a time sometimes
for each show creates hundreds of jobs
that didn’t exist before the budget for
one episode of network television can be
anywhere from three to six million
dollars let’s just say five a new
episode made every nine days times for
show so every nine days at twenty
million dollars worth of television four
television programs seventy hours of TV
three shows in production at a time
sometimes for 16 episodes going on at
all times 24 episodes of gray’s 21
episodes of scandal 15 episodes how to
get away with murder two episodes the
catch that’s 70 hours of TV that’s 350
million dollars for a season in America
my television shows are back to back to
back on Thursday night around the world
my shows air 256 territories and 67
languages for an audience of 30 million
people my brain is global and 45 hours
of that seven hours of TV are shows I
personally created and not just produced
so on top of everything else I need to
find time real quiet creative time to
gather my fans around the campfire and
tell my stories for television programs
the hours of TV three shows in
production at a time sometimes for 350
million dollars campfires burning all
over the world you know who else is
doing that
nobody so like I said I’m a Titan dream
job now I don’t tell you this to impress
you I tell you this because I know what
you think of when you hear the word
writer I tell you this so that all of
you out there who work so hard whether
you run a company or a country or a
classroom or a store or a home take me
seriously when I talk about working so
you’ll get that I don’t peck at a
computer and imagine all day
so you’ll hear me when I say that I
understand that a dream job is not about
dreaming it’s all job all work all
reality all blood all sweat no tears I
work a lot very hard and I love it when
I am hard at work when I am deep in it
there is no other feeling for me my work
is at all times building a nation out of
thin air it is Manning the troops it is
painting a canvas it is hitting every
high note it is running a marathon it is
being beyond say and it is all of those
things at the same time I love working
it is creative and mechanical and
exhausting and exhilarating and
hilarious and disturbing and clinical
and maternal and cruel and judicious and
what makes it also good is the hum there
is some kind of shift inside me when the
work gets good a hum begins in my brain
and it grows and it grows and that hum
sounds like the open road and I could
drive it forever and a lot of people
when I try to explain the hum they
assume that I’m talking about the
writing that my writing brings me joy
and don’t get me wrong it does but the
hum it wasn’t until I started making
television that I started working
working and making and building and
creating and collaborating that I
discovered this thing this buzz this
rush this hum the hum is more than
writing the hum is action and activity
the hum is a drug the hum is music the
hum is light and air the hum is God’s
whisper right in my ear and when you
have a hum
that you can’t help but strive for
greatness that feeling you can’t help
but stifle greatness at any cost that’s
called the hum or maybe it’s called
being a workaholic maybe it’s called
genius
maybe it’s called ego maybe it’s just
fear of failure I don’t know I just know
that I’m not built for failure and I
just know that I love the hum I just
know that I want to tell you I’m a Titan
and I know that I don’t want to question
it but here’s the thing the more
successful I become the more shows the
more episodes the more barriers broken
the more work there is to do the more
balls in the air the more eyes on me the
more history stares the more
expectations there are the more I work
to be successful the more I need to work
and what did I say about work I love
working write the nation I’m building
the marathon i’m running the troops the
canvas the high note the hum hum the hum
I like that hum I love that hum I need
that hum I am that hum am i nothing but
that hum and then the hum stopped
overworked overused overdone burned-out
the hum stopped though my three
daughters are used to the truth that
their mother is a single working Titan
Harper tells people my mom won’t be
there but you can text my nanny and
Emerson says honey I’m wanting to go to
shondaland they’re children of a Titan
their baby titans they were 12 three and
one when the hum stopped the hum of the
engine died I stopped loving work
I couldn’t restart the engine the hum
would not come back
my hum was broken I was doing the same
things I always did all the same Titan
work 15 hour days working straight
through the weekends no regrets never
surrender a Titan never sleeps a Titan
never quits full hearts clear eyes yada
whatever
but there was no hum inside me was
silence for television program 70 hours
of TV free shows in production at a time
sometimes for for television programs 70
hours of TV shows in production at the
time sometimes for I was the perfect
Titan I was a Titan you could take home
to your mother all the colors were the
same and I was no longer having any fun
and it was my life it was all I did I
was the hum and the hum was me so what
do you do in the thing you do the work
you love starts to taste like dust now I
know somebody’s out there thinking cry
me a river stupid writer Titan lady but
you know you do if you make if you work
if you love what you do being a teacher
being a banker being a mother being a
painter being Bill Gates if you simply
love another person if that gives you
the hum if you know the hum if you know
what the hum feels like if you have been
to the hum when the hum stops who are
you what are you what am I am I is still
a Titan if the song of my heart ceases
to play can I survive in the silence and
then my southern waitress toddler asks
me a question I’m on my way out the door
I’m late and she says mama want to play
and I’m just about to say no when I
realized two things one I’m supposed to
say yes to everything and to my southern
waitress didn’t call me honey
she’s not calling everyone honey anymore
when did that happen
I’m missing it being a Titan than
mourning my hum and here she is changing
right before my eyes
and so she says mama want to play and I
say yes there’s nothing special about it
we play and we’re joined by her sisters
and there’s a lot of laughing and I give
a dramatic reading from the book
everybody poops nothing out of the
ordinary
and yet it is extraordinary because in
my pain and my panic in the homelessness
of my homelessness I have nothing to do
but pay attention I focus I am still the
nation on building the marathon i’m
running the troops the canvass behind
does not exist all that exists are
sticky fingers and gooey kisses and tiny
voices and crayons and that song about
letting go of whatever it is that frozen
girl needs to let go of it’s all peace
and simplicity the air is so rare in
this place for me that i can barely
breathe i can barely believe i’m
breathing
play is the opposite of work and i am
happy something in me loosens a door in
my brain swings open and a rush of
energy comes and it’s not instantaneous
but it happens it does happen i feel it
a hum creeps back not at full volume
barely there it’s quiet not to stay very
still to hear it but it is there not v
hum but a hum and now i feel like i know
a very magical secret well let’s not get
carried away it’s just love that’s all
it is no magic no secret it’s just love
just something we forgot the hum the
work hum the hum of the titan that’s
just a replacement if i have to ask you
who i am if i have to tell you who I am
if I describe myself in terms of shows
and hours of television and how globally
badass my brain is I have forgotten what
the real hum is the hum is not power and
the hum is not work specific the hum is
joy specific the real hum is love
specific the hum is the electricity that
comes from being excited by life the
real hum is confidence and peace
the real hum ignores the stare of
history and the balls in the air and the
expectation and the pressure the real
calm is singular and original
the real hum is God’s whisper in my ear
but maybe God was whispering the wrong
words because which one of the gods was
telling me I was a Titan it’s just love
we could all use a little more love a
lot more love anytime my child asked me
to play I will say yes I make it a firm
rule for one reason to give myself
permission to free me from all of my
workaholic guilt it’s a law so I don’t
have a choice and I don’t have a choice
not if I want to feel the hum I wish it
were that easy but I’m not good at
playing I don’t like it I’m not
interested in doing it the way I am
interested in doing work the truth is
incredibly humbling and humiliating to
face I don’t like playing I work all the
time because I like working I like
working more than I like being at home
facing that fact is incredibly difficult
to handle because what kind of person
likes working more than being at home
well me I mean let’s be honest I call
myself a Titan I’ve got issues
and one of those issues isn’t that I am
too relaxed we run around the yard up
and back and up and back we have 30
second dance parties we sing show tunes
we play with balls
I blow bubbles and they pop them and I
feel stiff and delirious and confused
most of the time I H for my cell phone
always but it is okay my tiny human show
me how to live and the hum of the
universe fills me up I play and I play
until I begin to wonder why we ever
stopped playing in the first place you
can do it to say yes every time your
child asks you to play are you thinking
maybe that I’m an idiot and diamond
shoes you’re right but you can still do
this you have time you know why because
you’re not Rihanna and you’re not a
muppet your child does not think you’re
that interesting you only need 15
minutes my two and four-year-old only
ever want to play with me for about 15
minutes or so before they think to
themselves they want to do something
else it’s an amazing 15 minutes but it’s
15 minutes I’m not a ladybug or a piece
of candy I’m invisible
after 15 minutes and my 13 year old if I
can get a 13 year old to talk to me for
15 minutes
I’m parent of the year
fifteen minutes is all you need I can
totally pull off 15 minutes of
uninterrupted time on my worst day
uninterrupted is the key no cell phone
no laundry no anything you busy life you
have to get dinner on the table you have
to force them to bathe but you can do 15
minutes my kids are my happy place
they’re my world but it doesn’t have to
be your kids the fuel that feeds your
home the place where life feels more
good than not good it’s not about
playing with your kids it’s about joy
it’s about playing in general give
yourself the 15 minutes find what makes
you feel good just figure it out
and play in that arena I’m not perfect
at it in fact I fail as often as I
succeed seeing friends reading books
staring into space what a place starts
to become shorthand for indulging myself
in ways I’d given up on right around the
time I got my first TV show right around
the time I became a Titan in training
right around the time I started
competing with myself for ways unknown
15 minutes what could be wrong with
giving myself my full attention for 15
minutes turns out nothing the very act
of not working has made it possible for
the hum to return as if the hums engine
could only refuel while I was away
work doesn’t work without play it takes
a little time but after a few months one
day the floodgates open and there’s a
rush and I find myself standing in my
office filled with an unfamiliar melody
full on groove inside me and around me
and it sends me spinning with ideas and
the humming road is open and I can drive
it and drive it and I love working again
but now I like that hum but I don’t love
that hum I don’t need that hum I am NOT
that hum that hum is not me not anymore
I am bubbles and sticky fingers and
dinners with friends I am that hum
life’s hum love’s hum works hum is still
a piece of me it is just no longer all
of me and I am so grateful
and I don’t give a crap about being a
Titan because I’ve never once seen a
Titan play Red Rover Red Rover I said
yes to less work and more play and
somehow I still run my world my brain is
still global my campfire still burn the
more I play the happier I am and happier
my kids are the more I play the more I
feel like a good mother
the more I play the free or my mind
becomes the more I play the better I
work the more I play the more I feel the
hum the nation on building the marathon
i’m running the troops the canvas the
hideout the hum the hum the other hum
the real hum life’s hum the more I feel
that hum the more this strange quivering
unka kun awkward brand new alive non
Titan feels like me the more I feel that
hum the more I Know Who I am
I’m a writer I make stuff up by imagine
that part of the job that’s living the
dream that’s the dream of the job
because a dream job should be a little
bit dreaming I said yes to less work and
more play Titans need not apply
want to play thank you
thank you guys so much for watching I
made this video because to hear a Barney
asked me to so if there’s a famous
entrepreneur that you would like me to
profile next please leave it down the
comments below and I’ll see what I can
do
I’d also love to know what the trying to
say that really had a big impact on you
what was your favorite clip what lesson
did you learn and why please leave it
down in the comments below I’m going to
join in the discussion thank you again
for watching I believe in you I hope you
continue to believe in yourself in
whatever your one word is much love I’ll
see you soon
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