– You got to have your own tone.
The only thing that’s fun is the show,
so if I don’t keep feeding new life into it,
then that also sucks.
And I’ll probably kill myself.
A plumber doesn’t change the way he plumbs
when he has a kid.
You’re a comedian,
this is your style.
I just, I don’t know.
I just kept doin’ it,
I kept doin’ it,
I kept doing it.
– What’s up Believe Nation.
It’s Evan.
My one word is believe,
and I believe that you have the ability
to do something special that can change the planet.
So to help you on your journey today,
we’re going to learn
from standup comedian and actor, Bill Burr,
and my take on his top 10 rules for success.
Rule number one is my personal favorite,
and I’d love to know which one you guys like the best.
(lively music)
– I enjoy annoying people.
I don’t know why.
Not like the whole crowd obviously,
’cause then I’d be bombing.
But there’s this segment like,
that’s when I’m having the most fun.
When like 80% of the crowd is lovin’ it,
and then there’s that 20% just goin’ like you know,
just looking around like how are you laughing at this?
And people don’t notice, sometimes I can see them,
and if I can figure out what they’re reacting to,
it becomes like a game to see if I can get them
to yell at me,
or get up and start to leave, you know.
I mean, other than that.
’cause there’s a danger once you put together
an hour that works,
as you can just stop working.
And then, let’s joke.
I’ll just show up, I can drink all (bleep) night.
I’ll walk my way through the radio,
and I’ll just keep doin’ this hour that I have memorized.
And I’ll be thinking about doin’ my taxes
as I’m doin’ my jokes.
But then what happens is everybody else catches up with you,
and the next thing you know you’re that guy on stage
goin’ what’s up with the Carter administration?
(audience laughs)
Is this crazy?
You become that guy which is…
– When you look at animated series that have done well,
a lot of them are this story of a sort of beleaguered dad
with the family.
What makes F is for Family different?
– You got to have your own tone,
and I think with us is uh,
the reality is what makes it different.
That’s kind of my job in the writer’s room.
I’m always the guy goin’ like,
people wouldn’t say that there, they wouldn’t say that.
I hate when I watch sitcoms and something crazy happens
and people just kind of go, huh?
And then they just go on like they’ll have some wacky,
that reminds me of the time when I had sex with that pig.
Then it’s the laugh track.
Then they go back to talking.
No that wouldn’t happen.
People would stop you.
You’re like, you had sex with a pig?
They would address it,
and that would be the rest of the episode.
There’s no way you would blow past that.
And I immediately just like,
oh I’m watching a TV show that stinks,
that’s lazy writing.
Whenever I get McDonald’s, I have a whole plan.
At my age, I’m 48 years old.
I know what I’m going to order.
I’m going to go in there.
It’s going to taste great.
20 minutes later, I’m going to want to kill myself.
I get sick of material,
and if you do the same stuff every night,
then your life, it’s like Groundhog Day.
You’re just goin’ up there sayin’, you know,
your mind wanders.
I don’t know if you guys have ever tried standup,
but if you’re doin’ the same jokes
night after night after night,
you literally can think about, I could do my laundry,
I got (mumbles).
Oh my God, I forgot to check in for my flight.
And you’re just up there just hatin’ your life.
So that’s why I turn it over.
It’s no sort of work ethic.
It’s just, flying sucks, traveling sucks.
The only thing that’s fun is the show.
So if I don’t keep feeding new life into it,
then that also sucks,
and I’ll probably kill myself.
(audience laughs)
– People are saying you’re the next Louis C.K.,
not in a stylized sense, but in like a–
– Like I’m a balding redhead?
– Yeah
(audience laughs)
– Other than that.
– Louis C.K., Bill Burr.
(audience laughs)
– Yeah, you got to watch out for us balding redheads,
we’re comin’ on.
I think that’s pretty much where the comparison ends,
as far as I’m concerned,
because I am a huge fan of Louis and I learned from him.
That guy is the generation or so in front of me.
He’s also doing one of the greatest shows on TV,
writing, directing, acting in it and all that.
– Yeah
– He’s puttin’ me to shame, that’s what I’m sayin’.
I think some people really change when they become a dad.
I’ve changed in different ways,
but my comedy hasn’t changed.
And I’ve also seen people do that.
You become a dad and all of a sudden
you’re trying to be a role model.
(laughs)
You know, on stage you start,
it’s just like, a plumber doesn’t change the way he plumbs
when he has a kid.
You’re a comedian, this is your style.
– You did a routine recently about how women like it rough,
and then, of course, the internet police got all over you.
(audience laughs)
– Well, I got to be honest with you.
I didn’t notice if that happened,
because I don’t pay attention to it.
I don’t read comments.
– Oh it happened, yeah they hated you.
– Yeah but, who did?
(audience laughs)
– The haters.
– But this is my thing.
Who?
– The haters.
– Like 20 people?
Twenty people with a hashtag
– [Bill Maher] Right
– can get a news story going now,
and I just don’t think, there’s no problem.
The amount of times somebody tells a joke,
and they’ll say that it’s a controversy at a comedy club.
What’s funny is they’ll show the clip on the news,
and you hear the crowd laughing.
(audience laughs)
So the comic is basically guilty
of telling a joke that worked.
– [Bill Maher] Right
– You know what I mean?
And then if you put it on the news,
yeah, it’s going to be a completely different context.
But I don’t go on stage and worry
about what people are thinking.
I mean if you,
you can choose to take a comedian seriously,
but that doesn’t mean that I now meant the joke,
and you can start saying that they’re statements, you know?
I don’t know,
I just kept doin’ it, I kept doin’ it,
and I kept doing it.
And then, I did your show a couple,
– [Howard Stern] yeah
– I went to Dave Chappelle,
I did your show a couple of times.
There’s two types of people that make it in this business.
It’s the oh my God, you’re the guy,
like you step off the bus
with the piece of straw between your teeth,
and you just make it at 23.
– [Howard Stern] Yeah
– And then there’s the guys,
the rest of us who make it in our 40’s.
– So can you describe a little bit
your path to standup comedy?
Like how did you get involved in it?
– Oh, how I got into it?
I was, how the hell did I get into it?
I think, you know what, I always liked watching it on TV.
But it never seemed like something I could do,
just because nobody I knew was in the performing arts.
I came from a real blue collar, jock kind of town.
– [Interviewer] Yeah
– So I just always thought if I said
I wanted to do something like that,
I’d get the usual blue collar stuff.
Like what are you a (bleep)?
You’re not funny.
So I kind of kept it to myself
And then I was working in a warehouse,
and I ended up working with this other guy
who was into standup the way I was,
and one night we were watching Stand-Up Spotlight.
– [Interviewer] Okay
– Which was hosted by an unknown Rosie O’Donnell
at that point.
– Really?
– Yeah, it was on VH1.
This was like the 80’s when everybody
pulled their sleeves up on their sport coat.
– [Interviewer] Before she became a lesbian?
– No, I think she was goin’ down on people at that point.
– [Interviewer] Oh okay
– Yeah, oh yeah, yeah.
Kind of born that way.
I think she was probably experimenting at that point,
but that’s another story.
So, yeah, we were just watchin’ it,
and my buddy was just goin’,
Bill, these guys suck.
They’re not funny.
We’re funnier than these guys are.
We should try it.
And then all of a sudden it wasn’t on TV,
it was sittin’ next to me.
And then, fortunately, my college had a talent contest,
and I signed up before I chickened out, and I went onstage.
I only did okay.
I didn’t win the contest.
But It was just something like,
I kind of sucked at everything else at that point,
math, reading, anything that had to do with academics,
I just stunk at it.
– [Interviewer] Core classes.
– Yeah, but jokin’ around and makin’ an ass out of myself
was something that was easy for me, so I did it.
– [Interviewer] Why not make a career?
– [Bill Burr] How do I come to terms that I just
won’t be financially successful to the point
where money is not an issue?
Jesus Christ dude, that just made me feel sad.
Why would you think that?
Alright, I guess he’s going to go into detail as to why.
He goes, I’m 30,
held many technical positions in the corporate ladder
at a few big companies.
It is everything Office Space made it out to be,
which has driven me to file patents
or ideas and improvements,
as well as start a few side businesses that didn’t seem
to really take flight.
Well there you go sir.
You know?
You’re basing your self worth on other people employing you.
Alright, God knows I got (bleep) enough on my podcast,
eVoice, LegalZoom, Stance.com,
all of that (bleep),
for you to run a (bleep) side business
while you’re holdin’ down your job
at this corporate nightmare that you don’t want to be in.
Believe in your talents.
Dude, you think I just walked on stage
and tried three (bleep) jokes and then it worked?
I bombed for years, for years, and years, and years.
Like almost,
the first eleven years of my career, I swear to God,
every time I went onstage it was a crapshoot,
whether it was going to go well or not.
It was even longer than that.
Its basically once you start selling tickets
and people come out to your show
that the bombing goes way down
and it also makes you softer as a comic.
Because people are coming out to see you.
They give you a giant ovation as you go out there.
They’re already on your side, it’s a home game.
Alright?
Before you sell tickets as a comedian,
every night is a (bleep) away game,
and it’s a rivalry game, and they (bleep) hate you.
Alright?
So I think you’re a really talented guy,
I think, you know what,
a lot of smart people slightly depressed,
which is how this is reading.
And dude, you just got to get yourself,
force yourself to pick yourself up off the mat,
and throw yourself against the wall.
Alright?
Not yourself, stupid idea.
Don’t throw yourself against the wall.
Whatever idea you got, just keep puttin’ it out there.
Alright?
(audience laughs)
I got to admit, the only thing that freaks me out
about Los Angeles is all the plastic surgery.
I don’t get it.
Why do people get plastic surgery, you know?
Why can’t you just admit it’s over?
(audience laughs)
You know, you had your time.
Stop trying to look (bleep) in your 50’s.
(audience laughs)
It’s weird.
People with their faces yanked back,
lookin’ all shiny, right?
(audience laughs)
Not to mention they haven’t even figured it out.
(audience laughs)
You know, why would you get a facelift?
Can’t you look at other facelifts and realize
they haven’t worked all the bugs out yet?
(audience laughs)
That’s what you want to look like?
Like you just lost a fight three days ago.
(audience laughs)
Don’t be a hero, let somebody else go in there,
take the (bleep) beach.
You lay back.
(audience laughs)
Wait it out.
(audience laughs)
They’re just lyin’ to people.
I know, looks great, looks great,
put a little ice on it, we’ll see you in a couple weeks.
Alright, take it easy.
(audience laughs)
Jesus Christ, what the (bleep) happened?
We followed every step, did we miss somethin’?
Oh, hey hey hey, here’s your keys, here’s your keys.
There you go, there you go.
Almost didn’t recognize you, you look so young.
Alright, take it easy.
She gone?
Alright, she’s gone, alright.
Shred everything, shred it.
(audience laughs)
You’re nuts.
You wait it out.
Let’em figure it out, then you (bleep) go in.
Don’t be a Goddamn hero, you know?
Look at hair plugs.
Hair plugs don’t look half bad now.
I saw this guy the other night on TV,
he’s like, oh God, I wish I did this 10 years ago.
It’s like, no you don’t.
(audience laughs)
10 years ago when they were stapling ant legs to the top
of people’s heads.
(audience laughs)
Remember that?
Your eyes would water lookin’ at their hairline.
Like is that sewn in, I see pine tar.
(audience laughs)
They used to put you in a headlock, hold still.
Use like a nail gun.
(audience laughs)
Hold still.
Guys would tap out after a row and a half
(bleep) it. I don’t give a (bleep).
(audience laughs)
You wish you got hair plugs 10 years ago.
Do you wish you got polio 60 years ago?
(audience laughs)
What else is on your wishlist sir?
(audience laughs)
No, you don’t (bleep) with your face.
(audience laughs)
okay?
I understand liposuction.
They screw that up, you can put on a shirt.
Right?
(audience laughs)
There’s no shirt for your face.
(audience laughs)
Who do they think they’re foolin’ with this stupid, ya know?
And then you lie to yourself.
I’m just going to do a little, I’m just going to do this.
Just going to have this done.
No you’re not, you’re not.
You’re just going to wax the fender on your car, and that’s it?
The rest of it looks all (bleep).
Well maybe I’ll just do the hood,
and maybe I’ll do the back.
(audience laughs)
That’s how it happens.
And then you look like one of those Real Housewives,
face all twisted up.
(audience laughs)
(bleep) idiots.
How do I look?
(audience laughs)
They are, they’re idiots.
Do I look like I’m in my 20’s?
No, you look weird.
You look (bleep) weird.
You still look like you’re in your 50’s,
I just can’t guess what year anymore,
because I’ve never seen that year.
I’ve never seen that shiny (bleep) look.
Its almost like you discovered a new age between 52 and 53.
(audience laughs)
yeah
People there’s nothing wrong with being 52 and lookin’ 52.
Alright?
You’re 52.
You didn’t get (bleep), yeah.
(audience cheers)
What would you rather be, 52 and look 52,
or be 52 and look like a 28 year old lizard?
(audience laughs)
right?
That’s your options at this point.
(audience laughs)
– Thank you guys so much for watching.
I made this video because Aisha Tyler asked me to.
If there’s someone you’d like to vote on
for the next top 10,
check out the link in the description,
and go and have your say.
Finally, I want to give a quick shout out
to Howard from Dentaltown.
Howard, thank you so much for picking up a copy
of my book, Your One Word, and having me as a guest
on your podcast.
It was a ton of fun, and I really appreciate the support.
– It is just a huge honor for me today
to be podcast interviewing Evan Carmichael
of evancarmichael.com.
So thank you guys again for watching.
I believe in you.
I hope you continue to believe in yourself,
and whatever your one word is.
Much love, I’ll see you soon.
– I saw this story down in Orange County.
Right?
Down in Orange County, California this guy
gave helicopter tours for 30 years,
30 years without incident.
Hands the business off to his son, the American dream.
I built it up for 30 years, here you go son.
Make the family and the family name proud.
Alright Dad, I love you.
Right?
This poor kid, five days in,
he’s supposed to give a tour to a couple,
only the dude shows up.
The kid thought it was weird,
but he’s like I need the money,
I got to give him a tour.
Right?
So he takes this guy up.
10 minutes into the tour, the dude (bleep) jumped out.
(audience gasps)
Yeah
(audience laughs)
Five days in.
(audience laughs)
Five days in from the balloons and the cake.
We love you Son.
(audience laughs)
Keep the family tree goin’,
(audience laughs)
the tradition alive.
Five (bleep) days later.
This kid, he probably barely had the speech down.
Just sittin’ there flyin’ the helicopter.
Alright, if you look out the left side of the aircraft,
that’s Orange County.
There’s over 27 miles of beach.
Put your seatbelt back on.
27 miles of beaches.
(audience laughs)
It was established as a county in 1903.
Sir, please don’t open the door, sir, what are you doin’?
No, no, don’t!
No, stop, no!
No!
What the (bleep)?
What the (bleep)?
Oh my God!
Oh my God!
Oh my God!
What the (bleep)?
What the (bleep)?
(audience laughs)
Air traffic control,
I don’t know who’s on this frequency, but you really need.
Somebody just jumped out of my helicopter!
(audience laughs)
Five days in.
I read further into the story.
Turns out the guy who jumped out,
he was 61 years old, terminally ill,
he was in pain everyday.
They couldn’t figure out what was wrong with him,
and he had had enough.
At that point, that guy immediately
became a hero in my world.
Right?
You know what I love about him?
Not only did he make the decision,
he didn’t go out like some pussy.
Right?
(audience cheers)
Hand full of pills, watchin’ a romantic comedy,
(audience laughs)
wrapped in an afghan that Nana made.
(bleep) that.
(audience laughs)
This guy went out like a man.
Take me up in a chopper, I’m lookin’ at the land I love,
and then I’m jumpin’ out like a super hero.
I loved it.
(audience cheers)
Yeah.
(audience cheers)
This guy,
this guy should have been wearing a (bleep) cape.
(audience claps)
I can’t imagine how elated he must’ve been
on that helicopter ride up,
after finally just takin’ back control of his life,
like (bleep) you disease, I decide.
Rippin’ tubes out, gets a burger, shotguns a beer.
Take me up in the chopper.
He probably had his (bleep) foot on the dashboard.
Ya know?
He’s not even listening to this guy giving the tour.
Right?
Over 27 miles of beaches, put your seatbelt back on.
Established as a county in 1903.
Sir, please don’t try to open the door.
No, no, no, no, no, no!
(wind)
(audience claps)
Incredible.
(audience cheers)
But here’s the thing.
I left out one small thing.
There is one small thing.
The guy (bleep) lived.
(audience boos)
Yeah, yeah, they were out over the ocean, 500 feet up.
You’d think that would be enough so,
I’m thinkin’ he must’ve gone in like Greg Louganis,
no splash, just woo.
Ploop.
(audience laughs)
But witnesses said it looked like a dummy
was falling out of the air.
So that sounds like a hell of an impact.
(audience laughs)
I think he accidentally did
the most epic 500 foot belly flop
in the history of jumpin’ out of a helicopter.
Ya know?
But that didn’t change what he was tryin’ to do.
(audience laughs)
Where his heart was, I still love this guy.
I just feel bad for him.
Just on the way down he’s got to be thinkin’,
three more seconds of pain, 2 more seconds, wham!
(screams)
(audience claps)
(screams)
Oh my God, this is worse!
This is way worse!
(audience laughs)
It has a happy ending though.
He later died at the hospital.
(audience laughs)
That’s right.
(audience cheers)
So here’s to him.
God bless him, I hope I have the balls someday.
(audience cheers)
The only thing that’s fun is the show,
so if I don’t keep feeding new life into it,
then that also sucks.
And I’ll probably kill myself.
A plumber doesn’t change the way he plumbs
when he has a kid.
You’re a comedian,
this is your style.
I just, I don’t know.
I just kept doin’ it,
I kept doin’ it,
I kept doing it.
– What’s up Believe Nation.
It’s Evan.
My one word is believe,
and I believe that you have the ability
to do something special that can change the planet.
So to help you on your journey today,
we’re going to learn
from standup comedian and actor, Bill Burr,
and my take on his top 10 rules for success.
Rule number one is my personal favorite,
and I’d love to know which one you guys like the best.
(lively music)
– I enjoy annoying people.
I don’t know why.
Not like the whole crowd obviously,
’cause then I’d be bombing.
But there’s this segment like,
that’s when I’m having the most fun.
When like 80% of the crowd is lovin’ it,
and then there’s that 20% just goin’ like you know,
just looking around like how are you laughing at this?
And people don’t notice, sometimes I can see them,
and if I can figure out what they’re reacting to,
it becomes like a game to see if I can get them
to yell at me,
or get up and start to leave, you know.
I mean, other than that.
’cause there’s a danger once you put together
an hour that works,
as you can just stop working.
And then, let’s joke.
I’ll just show up, I can drink all (bleep) night.
I’ll walk my way through the radio,
and I’ll just keep doin’ this hour that I have memorized.
And I’ll be thinking about doin’ my taxes
as I’m doin’ my jokes.
But then what happens is everybody else catches up with you,
and the next thing you know you’re that guy on stage
goin’ what’s up with the Carter administration?
(audience laughs)
Is this crazy?
You become that guy which is…
– When you look at animated series that have done well,
a lot of them are this story of a sort of beleaguered dad
with the family.
What makes F is for Family different?
– You got to have your own tone,
and I think with us is uh,
the reality is what makes it different.
That’s kind of my job in the writer’s room.
I’m always the guy goin’ like,
people wouldn’t say that there, they wouldn’t say that.
I hate when I watch sitcoms and something crazy happens
and people just kind of go, huh?
And then they just go on like they’ll have some wacky,
that reminds me of the time when I had sex with that pig.
Then it’s the laugh track.
Then they go back to talking.
No that wouldn’t happen.
People would stop you.
You’re like, you had sex with a pig?
They would address it,
and that would be the rest of the episode.
There’s no way you would blow past that.
And I immediately just like,
oh I’m watching a TV show that stinks,
that’s lazy writing.
Whenever I get McDonald’s, I have a whole plan.
At my age, I’m 48 years old.
I know what I’m going to order.
I’m going to go in there.
It’s going to taste great.
20 minutes later, I’m going to want to kill myself.
I get sick of material,
and if you do the same stuff every night,
then your life, it’s like Groundhog Day.
You’re just goin’ up there sayin’, you know,
your mind wanders.
I don’t know if you guys have ever tried standup,
but if you’re doin’ the same jokes
night after night after night,
you literally can think about, I could do my laundry,
I got (mumbles).
Oh my God, I forgot to check in for my flight.
And you’re just up there just hatin’ your life.
So that’s why I turn it over.
It’s no sort of work ethic.
It’s just, flying sucks, traveling sucks.
The only thing that’s fun is the show.
So if I don’t keep feeding new life into it,
then that also sucks,
and I’ll probably kill myself.
(audience laughs)
– People are saying you’re the next Louis C.K.,
not in a stylized sense, but in like a–
– Like I’m a balding redhead?
– Yeah
(audience laughs)
– Other than that.
– Louis C.K., Bill Burr.
(audience laughs)
– Yeah, you got to watch out for us balding redheads,
we’re comin’ on.
I think that’s pretty much where the comparison ends,
as far as I’m concerned,
because I am a huge fan of Louis and I learned from him.
That guy is the generation or so in front of me.
He’s also doing one of the greatest shows on TV,
writing, directing, acting in it and all that.
– Yeah
– He’s puttin’ me to shame, that’s what I’m sayin’.
I think some people really change when they become a dad.
I’ve changed in different ways,
but my comedy hasn’t changed.
And I’ve also seen people do that.
You become a dad and all of a sudden
you’re trying to be a role model.
(laughs)
You know, on stage you start,
it’s just like, a plumber doesn’t change the way he plumbs
when he has a kid.
You’re a comedian, this is your style.
– You did a routine recently about how women like it rough,
and then, of course, the internet police got all over you.
(audience laughs)
– Well, I got to be honest with you.
I didn’t notice if that happened,
because I don’t pay attention to it.
I don’t read comments.
– Oh it happened, yeah they hated you.
– Yeah but, who did?
(audience laughs)
– The haters.
– But this is my thing.
Who?
– The haters.
– Like 20 people?
Twenty people with a hashtag
– [Bill Maher] Right
– can get a news story going now,
and I just don’t think, there’s no problem.
The amount of times somebody tells a joke,
and they’ll say that it’s a controversy at a comedy club.
What’s funny is they’ll show the clip on the news,
and you hear the crowd laughing.
(audience laughs)
So the comic is basically guilty
of telling a joke that worked.
– [Bill Maher] Right
– You know what I mean?
And then if you put it on the news,
yeah, it’s going to be a completely different context.
But I don’t go on stage and worry
about what people are thinking.
I mean if you,
you can choose to take a comedian seriously,
but that doesn’t mean that I now meant the joke,
and you can start saying that they’re statements, you know?
I don’t know,
I just kept doin’ it, I kept doin’ it,
and I kept doing it.
And then, I did your show a couple,
– [Howard Stern] yeah
– I went to Dave Chappelle,
I did your show a couple of times.
There’s two types of people that make it in this business.
It’s the oh my God, you’re the guy,
like you step off the bus
with the piece of straw between your teeth,
and you just make it at 23.
– [Howard Stern] Yeah
– And then there’s the guys,
the rest of us who make it in our 40’s.
– So can you describe a little bit
your path to standup comedy?
Like how did you get involved in it?
– Oh, how I got into it?
I was, how the hell did I get into it?
I think, you know what, I always liked watching it on TV.
But it never seemed like something I could do,
just because nobody I knew was in the performing arts.
I came from a real blue collar, jock kind of town.
– [Interviewer] Yeah
– So I just always thought if I said
I wanted to do something like that,
I’d get the usual blue collar stuff.
Like what are you a (bleep)?
You’re not funny.
So I kind of kept it to myself
And then I was working in a warehouse,
and I ended up working with this other guy
who was into standup the way I was,
and one night we were watching Stand-Up Spotlight.
– [Interviewer] Okay
– Which was hosted by an unknown Rosie O’Donnell
at that point.
– Really?
– Yeah, it was on VH1.
This was like the 80’s when everybody
pulled their sleeves up on their sport coat.
– [Interviewer] Before she became a lesbian?
– No, I think she was goin’ down on people at that point.
– [Interviewer] Oh okay
– Yeah, oh yeah, yeah.
Kind of born that way.
I think she was probably experimenting at that point,
but that’s another story.
So, yeah, we were just watchin’ it,
and my buddy was just goin’,
Bill, these guys suck.
They’re not funny.
We’re funnier than these guys are.
We should try it.
And then all of a sudden it wasn’t on TV,
it was sittin’ next to me.
And then, fortunately, my college had a talent contest,
and I signed up before I chickened out, and I went onstage.
I only did okay.
I didn’t win the contest.
But It was just something like,
I kind of sucked at everything else at that point,
math, reading, anything that had to do with academics,
I just stunk at it.
– [Interviewer] Core classes.
– Yeah, but jokin’ around and makin’ an ass out of myself
was something that was easy for me, so I did it.
– [Interviewer] Why not make a career?
– [Bill Burr] How do I come to terms that I just
won’t be financially successful to the point
where money is not an issue?
Jesus Christ dude, that just made me feel sad.
Why would you think that?
Alright, I guess he’s going to go into detail as to why.
He goes, I’m 30,
held many technical positions in the corporate ladder
at a few big companies.
It is everything Office Space made it out to be,
which has driven me to file patents
or ideas and improvements,
as well as start a few side businesses that didn’t seem
to really take flight.
Well there you go sir.
You know?
You’re basing your self worth on other people employing you.
Alright, God knows I got (bleep) enough on my podcast,
eVoice, LegalZoom, Stance.com,
all of that (bleep),
for you to run a (bleep) side business
while you’re holdin’ down your job
at this corporate nightmare that you don’t want to be in.
Believe in your talents.
Dude, you think I just walked on stage
and tried three (bleep) jokes and then it worked?
I bombed for years, for years, and years, and years.
Like almost,
the first eleven years of my career, I swear to God,
every time I went onstage it was a crapshoot,
whether it was going to go well or not.
It was even longer than that.
Its basically once you start selling tickets
and people come out to your show
that the bombing goes way down
and it also makes you softer as a comic.
Because people are coming out to see you.
They give you a giant ovation as you go out there.
They’re already on your side, it’s a home game.
Alright?
Before you sell tickets as a comedian,
every night is a (bleep) away game,
and it’s a rivalry game, and they (bleep) hate you.
Alright?
So I think you’re a really talented guy,
I think, you know what,
a lot of smart people slightly depressed,
which is how this is reading.
And dude, you just got to get yourself,
force yourself to pick yourself up off the mat,
and throw yourself against the wall.
Alright?
Not yourself, stupid idea.
Don’t throw yourself against the wall.
Whatever idea you got, just keep puttin’ it out there.
Alright?
(audience laughs)
I got to admit, the only thing that freaks me out
about Los Angeles is all the plastic surgery.
I don’t get it.
Why do people get plastic surgery, you know?
Why can’t you just admit it’s over?
(audience laughs)
You know, you had your time.
Stop trying to look (bleep) in your 50’s.
(audience laughs)
It’s weird.
People with their faces yanked back,
lookin’ all shiny, right?
(audience laughs)
Not to mention they haven’t even figured it out.
(audience laughs)
You know, why would you get a facelift?
Can’t you look at other facelifts and realize
they haven’t worked all the bugs out yet?
(audience laughs)
That’s what you want to look like?
Like you just lost a fight three days ago.
(audience laughs)
Don’t be a hero, let somebody else go in there,
take the (bleep) beach.
You lay back.
(audience laughs)
Wait it out.
(audience laughs)
They’re just lyin’ to people.
I know, looks great, looks great,
put a little ice on it, we’ll see you in a couple weeks.
Alright, take it easy.
(audience laughs)
Jesus Christ, what the (bleep) happened?
We followed every step, did we miss somethin’?
Oh, hey hey hey, here’s your keys, here’s your keys.
There you go, there you go.
Almost didn’t recognize you, you look so young.
Alright, take it easy.
She gone?
Alright, she’s gone, alright.
Shred everything, shred it.
(audience laughs)
You’re nuts.
You wait it out.
Let’em figure it out, then you (bleep) go in.
Don’t be a Goddamn hero, you know?
Look at hair plugs.
Hair plugs don’t look half bad now.
I saw this guy the other night on TV,
he’s like, oh God, I wish I did this 10 years ago.
It’s like, no you don’t.
(audience laughs)
10 years ago when they were stapling ant legs to the top
of people’s heads.
(audience laughs)
Remember that?
Your eyes would water lookin’ at their hairline.
Like is that sewn in, I see pine tar.
(audience laughs)
They used to put you in a headlock, hold still.
Use like a nail gun.
(audience laughs)
Hold still.
Guys would tap out after a row and a half
(bleep) it. I don’t give a (bleep).
(audience laughs)
You wish you got hair plugs 10 years ago.
Do you wish you got polio 60 years ago?
(audience laughs)
What else is on your wishlist sir?
(audience laughs)
No, you don’t (bleep) with your face.
(audience laughs)
okay?
I understand liposuction.
They screw that up, you can put on a shirt.
Right?
(audience laughs)
There’s no shirt for your face.
(audience laughs)
Who do they think they’re foolin’ with this stupid, ya know?
And then you lie to yourself.
I’m just going to do a little, I’m just going to do this.
Just going to have this done.
No you’re not, you’re not.
You’re just going to wax the fender on your car, and that’s it?
The rest of it looks all (bleep).
Well maybe I’ll just do the hood,
and maybe I’ll do the back.
(audience laughs)
That’s how it happens.
And then you look like one of those Real Housewives,
face all twisted up.
(audience laughs)
(bleep) idiots.
How do I look?
(audience laughs)
They are, they’re idiots.
Do I look like I’m in my 20’s?
No, you look weird.
You look (bleep) weird.
You still look like you’re in your 50’s,
I just can’t guess what year anymore,
because I’ve never seen that year.
I’ve never seen that shiny (bleep) look.
Its almost like you discovered a new age between 52 and 53.
(audience laughs)
yeah
People there’s nothing wrong with being 52 and lookin’ 52.
Alright?
You’re 52.
You didn’t get (bleep), yeah.
(audience cheers)
What would you rather be, 52 and look 52,
or be 52 and look like a 28 year old lizard?
(audience laughs)
right?
That’s your options at this point.
(audience laughs)
– Thank you guys so much for watching.
I made this video because Aisha Tyler asked me to.
If there’s someone you’d like to vote on
for the next top 10,
check out the link in the description,
and go and have your say.
Finally, I want to give a quick shout out
to Howard from Dentaltown.
Howard, thank you so much for picking up a copy
of my book, Your One Word, and having me as a guest
on your podcast.
It was a ton of fun, and I really appreciate the support.
– It is just a huge honor for me today
to be podcast interviewing Evan Carmichael
of evancarmichael.com.
So thank you guys again for watching.
I believe in you.
I hope you continue to believe in yourself,
and whatever your one word is.
Much love, I’ll see you soon.
– I saw this story down in Orange County.
Right?
Down in Orange County, California this guy
gave helicopter tours for 30 years,
30 years without incident.
Hands the business off to his son, the American dream.
I built it up for 30 years, here you go son.
Make the family and the family name proud.
Alright Dad, I love you.
Right?
This poor kid, five days in,
he’s supposed to give a tour to a couple,
only the dude shows up.
The kid thought it was weird,
but he’s like I need the money,
I got to give him a tour.
Right?
So he takes this guy up.
10 minutes into the tour, the dude (bleep) jumped out.
(audience gasps)
Yeah
(audience laughs)
Five days in.
(audience laughs)
Five days in from the balloons and the cake.
We love you Son.
(audience laughs)
Keep the family tree goin’,
(audience laughs)
the tradition alive.
Five (bleep) days later.
This kid, he probably barely had the speech down.
Just sittin’ there flyin’ the helicopter.
Alright, if you look out the left side of the aircraft,
that’s Orange County.
There’s over 27 miles of beach.
Put your seatbelt back on.
27 miles of beaches.
(audience laughs)
It was established as a county in 1903.
Sir, please don’t open the door, sir, what are you doin’?
No, no, don’t!
No, stop, no!
No!
What the (bleep)?
What the (bleep)?
Oh my God!
Oh my God!
Oh my God!
What the (bleep)?
What the (bleep)?
(audience laughs)
Air traffic control,
I don’t know who’s on this frequency, but you really need.
Somebody just jumped out of my helicopter!
(audience laughs)
Five days in.
I read further into the story.
Turns out the guy who jumped out,
he was 61 years old, terminally ill,
he was in pain everyday.
They couldn’t figure out what was wrong with him,
and he had had enough.
At that point, that guy immediately
became a hero in my world.
Right?
You know what I love about him?
Not only did he make the decision,
he didn’t go out like some pussy.
Right?
(audience cheers)
Hand full of pills, watchin’ a romantic comedy,
(audience laughs)
wrapped in an afghan that Nana made.
(bleep) that.
(audience laughs)
This guy went out like a man.
Take me up in a chopper, I’m lookin’ at the land I love,
and then I’m jumpin’ out like a super hero.
I loved it.
(audience cheers)
Yeah.
(audience cheers)
This guy,
this guy should have been wearing a (bleep) cape.
(audience claps)
I can’t imagine how elated he must’ve been
on that helicopter ride up,
after finally just takin’ back control of his life,
like (bleep) you disease, I decide.
Rippin’ tubes out, gets a burger, shotguns a beer.
Take me up in the chopper.
He probably had his (bleep) foot on the dashboard.
Ya know?
He’s not even listening to this guy giving the tour.
Right?
Over 27 miles of beaches, put your seatbelt back on.
Established as a county in 1903.
Sir, please don’t try to open the door.
No, no, no, no, no, no!
(wind)
(audience claps)
Incredible.
(audience cheers)
But here’s the thing.
I left out one small thing.
There is one small thing.
The guy (bleep) lived.
(audience boos)
Yeah, yeah, they were out over the ocean, 500 feet up.
You’d think that would be enough so,
I’m thinkin’ he must’ve gone in like Greg Louganis,
no splash, just woo.
Ploop.
(audience laughs)
But witnesses said it looked like a dummy
was falling out of the air.
So that sounds like a hell of an impact.
(audience laughs)
I think he accidentally did
the most epic 500 foot belly flop
in the history of jumpin’ out of a helicopter.
Ya know?
But that didn’t change what he was tryin’ to do.
(audience laughs)
Where his heart was, I still love this guy.
I just feel bad for him.
Just on the way down he’s got to be thinkin’,
three more seconds of pain, 2 more seconds, wham!
(screams)
(audience claps)
(screams)
Oh my God, this is worse!
This is way worse!
(audience laughs)
It has a happy ending though.
He later died at the hospital.
(audience laughs)
That’s right.
(audience cheers)
So here’s to him.
God bless him, I hope I have the balls someday.
(audience cheers)
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