one of the things that when things don’t
work out one of the things I’ve been
telling myself and also thinking about a
lot is apart from the fact of learning
which we’ll go into is just that space
I’m actually understanding that there
may be a different route see we get so
attached to having one route one method
one way of working we believe that
there’s only one pathway to where we
want to be there’s this conveyor belt of
things we have to do whether it’s you
know get a degree find a partner buy a
house you know play golf whatever it is
like this conveyor belt of efficiency
and productivity that we here that
becomes a part of our natural
progression and when that breaks apart
that’s when we start to worry that’s
when we start to think but notice that
then actually it’s a lot better when
that happens earlier in life see regret
has some really important roles the
first one is that it helps us make sense
of the world from our perspective for
one of the first time see most of us
have spent our lives learning what’s
important to us based on maybe what
families what what communities to what
parents to what education to whatever it
is when you start regretting something a
new thing you did something wrong when
you start thinking that I could have
done something differently you’re making
sense of the world from your perspective
it’s crazy how powerful this is right
you’re starting to make sense of the
world from your perspective the second
thing is it allows you to avoid future
negative behavior if you know you
regretted something why don’t you write
it down right now right if you regret
something write it down right now
because it will teach you so much in the
future you’ve got to write down the
lesson you learn now otherwise next time
when you think you’re making another
tough decision you’re gonna say to
yourself oh what did I do last time how
did I not make myself regret that and
then you’re gonna be upset you’re gonna
regret that you didn’t write it down so
write it down right now
really sad to see that people are
disenchanted and nihilistic and
depressed and anxious and aimless and
and perverse and vengeful and and all of
those things it’s terrible and then to
see people question whether that’s
necessary and then to start to rise out
of it it’s like it’s so fun like last
night
I was at
my talk it’s overwhelming I don’t
usually think about these things but I
was I was after my talk last night and
so all these people line up and you know
they have their 15 15 seconds with me
and they’re kind of tentative they’re
excited and a tentative when they come
up to talk to me and then they have you
know 15 seconds of time to tell me
something I’m really listening to them
and they’re hesitant about whether or
not to share the good news about their
life you know and I think it’s often
because when people share good news
about their life people don’t
necessarily respond positively you know
they don’t get encouragement and people
need so little encouragement it’s just
unbelievable and so they tell me
something good and I’m a god that’s so
good you know somebody says oh I’m
getting along way better with my father
I haven’t seen him for 10 years and now
we get along great and then the power of
that you can’t overstate the power of
that for individuals to get their life
together the individual is an
unbelievably powerful force and every
single person who gets their act
together a little bit has the capacity
to spread that around them it’s it’s a
how did you go through making the
decision to drop it was a very good job
and take it take this chance it all
seems very obvious now right this many
years later that it paid off but at the
time it was not obvious no no it was and
and and I did do a lot of soul searching
I I went to my boss at the time and I
really liked my job and I told my boss I
was gonna go do this thing start an
internet bookstore and my wife had
already told my wife and she’s like
great let’s go
and I I said so my boss is gonna do this
he’s like this is a good idea so I think
this is a good idea but it would be an
even better idea for somebody who didn’t
already have a good job and that sort of
made some logical sense to me and he
convinced me to think about it for a
couple of days so I went away I was
really trying to get my head around how
to think about this and I think for me
the right way to make that kind of very
personal decision because those
decisions are personal they’re not like
data-driven business decisions there
they are you know what does your heart
say and for me it was I could the best
way to think about it was to project
myself forward to age 80 and said look
when I’m 80 years old I want to have
minimized the number of regrets that I
have I don’t want to be 80 years old in
a quiet moment of reflection thinking
back over my life and cataloging a bunch
of major regrets and I think that
regrets are biggest regrets in most
cases you can murder somebody okay you’d
regret that but in most cases our
biggest regrets turn out to the acts of
omission its paths not taken and they
haunt us we wonder what would have
happened I loved that person and I never
told him and then they married somebody
else I did you know I didn’t do this and
so that’s the frame of mind that I put
myself in and I and once I did that once
I thought about that way it was
immediately obvious to me I knew that
when I’m 80 I would never regret trying
this thing that I was super excited
about and failing if it failed fine I
would be very proud of the fact when I’m
80 that I tried and I also
knew that it would always haunt me if I
didn’t try and so that would be a regret
it would be a hundred percent chance of
a regret if I didn’t try and basically a
0% chance of regret if I tried and
failed so I think that’s a useful metric
for any important life decision there’s
so much knowledge out there so much
and we make we make so many mistakes
whether were the product of our mistakes
and oftentimes the lesson is sitting
there right in front of our face it’s
there to be learned but we miss it and
we don’t pay attention to it or we think
and the most important thing to learn is
that we have so much to learn we all do
and we can learn from school and from
people and from experience and we learn
from life but you have to process the
information you have to absorb it you
have to accept it you have to open your
mind you’ve got to free your mind so
that you can learn and make real
progress and as far as regrets and
things I wish I would have done
differently of course hindsight
hindsight is 20/20 and looking back of
course who wouldn’t want to take another
go at something and improve on the first
try by doing it again and then why not
do it again and again and again and why
not just do it over and over again until
you have it
perfect but the fact is you don’t get
that chance you get one shot one shot at
this gig right here life one life and
that’s all you’ve gotten and regret in
and of itself it’s worthless
it does nothing for you in fact the only
valuable thing in regret is the lesson
you learned the knowledge that you
gained but walking around filled with
regret it gets you nothing so learn and
move on
don’t let regret beat you down don’t be
a slave to regret no let it teach you
let it make you better let the fear of
to take action now to become a better
person not filled with regret but filled
filled with knowledge and strength and
power and filled with life
I call it Just’s have been not all
psychologists obviously but the
psychological profession is its neck
deep in this in this pathology has been
beating the self-esteem drum for 50
years
oh no you’re okay you should feel good
about yourself like you’re fine the way
you are it’s like you think well that’s
a calming message for people it’s like
no it’s not it’s not at all and I
watched my audience this is like it’s
full of people in the audience who think
I’m suffering a lot more than I think is
tenable a whole bunch of it’s my fault
my life is not in the order it should be
I know I’m doing 50 things wrong it’s
like what the hell is wrong with me
what’s wrong with the people around me
this is really serious
and some you know well-meaning person
comes up and says oh you’re okay just
the way you are it’s like no one wants
that message it’s like no I’m not okay
the way I am I’m not okay at all the way
I am I know that and so you know when
I’m when I’m speaking to to when I’m
speaking now I say to people oh you’re
nowhere near what you could be that’s
that that’s the positive message it’s
like yeah you’re a mess but you don’t
have to stay that way but you’re a mess
you know it obviously you’re suffering
away like like so much you can barely
tolerate it it’s like that’s okay you
can do something about it so yeah that’s
the thing that that turns the lights on
it’s like you have to do something about
it
I think I feel feel fear quite strongly
so it’s not as though I just have the
absence of fear I’ve I feel it quite
strongly but yeah there were times when
if something is important enough
you’ve leave it enough that you do you
do it in spite of the fear it’s like
people shouldn’t think III I should if
you should think well I feel fear about
this and therefore I shouldn’t do it
it’s normal to be to feel fear like
you’d have to definitely something
mentally wrong you shouldn’t feel fear
so you just feel it and let the
importance of it anyway yeah you know
actually we’re something that can be
helpful as fatalism some degree if you
just think it’s just accept the
probabilities then that diminishes fear
so we’re starting SpaceX I thought the
odds of success were less than 10% and I
just accepted that actually probably I
would just lose lose everything but that
maybe would make some progress if we
could just move the ball forward even if
we died maybe some other company could
pick up the baton and move and keep
moving it forward so that we still do
some good
yeah same with Tesla I thought your odds
of a car company succeeding or extremely
loved one of the things that’s really
interesting about the old testament is
that and the Jews in the Old Testament
is that they don’t take the path of cain
every time they’re walloped by god which
is like fairly frequently they say we
must have done something wrong and we
have to set ourself right and that’s a
an unbelievably heroic attitude because
that’s the alternative to cursing fate
it’s like you take the responsibility
for failure unto yourself and you think
well if I was just maybe if I just had
my act together a little bit more if I
took advantage of every opportunity that
was put in front of me if I wasn’t
resentful and bitter then I could have
done something that would have tilted
the situation in a different direction
and like that’s almost inevitably true
Dostoevsky I think said something like
every man is responsible for everything
that
to him and everything that happens to
everyone else and that’s you know that
that’s that’s a god it’s a crazy
statement right it’s a crazy statement
and he was a pretty extreme person in
many many ways but there’s a level at
which that’s metaphysically true you
know because what happens is that it’s
you its failure to act often that’s the
most catastrophic you know I mean it’s
it’s it’s to not do the right thing when
the when the situation presents itself
and it’s very specific you know you’re
constantly in situations where you could
do the right thing if you were willing
to take a risk that’s actually a
relatively moderate size and you know
that you could take the risk and you
know that you should take the risk and
you don’t and that happens to people all
the time and then what happens is the
thing that they didn’t oppose grows a
little bit and they shrink a little bit
and that starts a loop pay most of the
people who were teaching right now who
are listening to this thing would not
hire themselves that if you had to pick
someone in the world
to do it the thing that you do you’d
find someone better than you so we’ve
changed the stakes and we have to be
really clear about that it used to be if
you went to Rhode Island School of
Design and you got through it you had
this huge head start on people that
starts are gone yes so when you think
about it you know when when terms is I’m
a freelancer and my primary asset is my
relationship with my clients well if I
went and asked your clients which of all
the freelancers you’ve worked with is
off-the-charts with the relationship
would they actually pick you this person
right that when someone says I’m able to
use light in color to create photographs
to create an indelible image in people’s
heads well if I talk to the people
who’ve seen it are you really off the
charts so what I’m saying is yes this
institution is crumbling but that puts a
huge onus on people to be honest with
themselves about the craft that you’re
not going to get away with the craft
being what it used to be just because we
could find you and you know I gave a
talk two weeks ago to the people who
make all the imprinted
in the country like pens and water
bottles things like it’s a huge industry
there’s fifty thousand a hundred
thousand people who do this for a living
ninety percent of them have a big thick
catalog they’ll have the same catalog
and the same price list and you go to
them and they say yeah if these water
bottles which one do you want that used
to be a really important value add
because there was no internet but now
there’s the internet sort by price I’ll
take this water bottle I’m done ten
percent of the people actually engage
with you help you find it that you never
would have thought of deliver the thing
that’s off the charts are taking huge
emotional risks as they do their work
the other ninety percent are sitting
there thinking and they are in the ten
percent they’re not they just have a
catalog so sometimes people throw things
at me when I’m on stage because my
argument is I didn’t wish for the world
to change but it did
now that the world has changed don’t get
frustrated because people are doing
exactly what you do shopping around
sorting by price buying commodities
because that’s what we do when we’re
given the choice
so if you want to be treated as an on
commodity act like an on commodity no
one is a commodity if they don’t want to
be the separation of talent and skill is
one of the the the greatest
misunderstood concepts for people who
are trying to excel who have dreams that
want to do things talent you have
naturally skill is only developed by
hours and hours and hours of beating on
your craft number one thing that’s gonna
change your life the only thing that
will change your life change your
business change your money change your
relationship because you must raise your
standard and I know that sounds boring
stupid basic but it’s the truth
the only thing that changes our life
long term is when we raise our standards
what does that mean that sounds so
boring and dumb it means that all of us
in life have things we want we don’t get
what we want we get what we have to have
remember I said earlier we all
get what we tolerate in ourselves and
other people but when you’re no longer
willing to tolerate something that’s
when your life changes the difference in
people is their standards period the
difference in people is their standards
period and what I mean by standards
everyone in the world has a list of
things they think they should do I
should lose weight I should work out I
should spend more time with my kids I
should work harder I should make more
calls I should I should I should I
should and then you know what people
don’t do their shirts and they get mad
at themselves and they what I call shit
all over themselves they beat themself
up about it
what changes people is when your should
becomes a must when suddenly the thing
you said should happen has to happen
that’s when human beings change it’s
like if you want to take the island and
you’re the head of the army you want to
take the iron Island the most powerful
way to take the Islanders burn the boats
cuz if there’s no way to go back it’s
amazing what happens when it’s a must
there’s no easy way around it no matter
how talented you are your talent is
going to fail you if you’re not skilled
you know if you don’t study if you don’t
work really hard and dedicate yourself
to being better every single day
you’ll never be able to communicate with
with people there’s another rule in my
book which is rule 9 assume that the
person that you’re listening to knows
something you don’t
well they do the person you’re listening
to knows some things you don’t you can
be sure of that
now whether or not you can get to them
is a different matter but if you do get
to them it’s a real deal for you that’s
why you want to listen to the other
person’s arguments is because you’re not
everything you could be you don’t know
the pathway forward with as much clarity
as you could and it’s possible this is
one of the wonderful things that I’ve
had the privilege of experiencing as a
clinician you know because people it’s
like I live inside a Dostoyevsky novel
as a clinician people come in and they
tell me about their lives and I listen
to them and they tell me things that are
just absolutely beyond belief you know
and I learn from my clients constantly
there they’re telling me honestly about
their experience they tell me things
they wouldn’t tell anyone else because I
actually listen to them but part of the
reason I listen is because I’m desperate
to listen it’s like there’s a
possibility I’m gonna do something
stupid in the next five years that’s
gonna be like fatal and there’s some
small possibility that if we have a
decent discussion that you’ll tell me
something that will eliminate some of my
blindness so that I don’t have to fall
into that particular pit and if you have
a good sensitivity for the depth of the
pit then you know you’re pretty bloody
motivated to avoid it and so and that
and that and that dialogue is it’s miss
its dialogic it’s dial logos right it’s
shared logos it’s the way that we redeem
ourselves mutually moving forward
motivated by fear fear you know
fear of what fear of fear I hate being
scared to do something I hate that
feeling of the feeling that I had before
I had a meeting with Quincy Jones
because it was really Quincy Jones and a
guy named Benny Medina who I know and
Jeff Pollan came with the idea for the
Fresh Prince of bel-air and I hated
being scared you know that I didn’t want
to
to even take the meeting there were
opportunities during when I first my
first year as a rapper Bill Cosby and
the people in The Cosby Show had seen my
music video and called me to be a
character to come right and try out for
the Cosby Show and just every time it
was set up for some reason I couldn’t
make it the therapy the fear I hate it I
just hated that being scared to do
something and I think what developed in
my in my early days was the the attitude
that I started attacking things that I
was scared if you’re hungry and you eat
well that’s good but it’s over and then
you’re on to the next thing
right it’s not exactly sustaining it’s
just necessary that’s called consume
Ettore reward by the way this other
reward system is incentive reward and
the incentive reward system works on
dopamine this neurochemical dopamine
which is also the neuro chemical tracks
that opiates and cocaine and
amphetamines the drugs that people
really like to abuse alcohol often for
some people activate and so you might
say if you don’t have enough meaning in
your life then you’re more prone to
addiction and that’s definitely the case
even with rats if you take a route you
put him in a cage by himself and he has
nothing to do and then you give him
access to cocaine he’ll get addicted to
the point where he won’t do anything but
take cocaine but if you throw the rat
back in with a bunch of other rats and
he gets to do rat things then it’s very
hard to get him addicted to cocaine and
so the purposeless rat is prone to
addiction well it’s the same with human
beings now here’s a corollary to that
which is really cool so the magnitude of
the reward you experience as you’re
moving towards a goal is proportionate
to the importance of the goal so that
means the more important the goal you
pick the more possibility there is for
the kind of reward let’s say it’s really
a state of being that is life-affirming
and it is directly life-affirming in
that you know like if you’re in a
football game and you’re and it’s an
important football game and maybe you
break a finger and you know normally
that’s that’s a problem it hurts and
you’re going to stop doing whatever
you’re doing but if you’re right in the
middle
the game then you’ll be so amped up on
this reward system that its analgesic it
stops the pain it also suppresses
anxiety so if you have a purpose then
its analgesic it takes some of the pain
out of life it’s very positive in that
it motivates and energizes you and
focuses you and makes you able to
remember and pay attention and it quells
fear and so those things are all direct
and so then you might think well what’s
the best possible goal well and that’s
that’s the purpose I would say of
religious training and philosophical
training it’s like just what the hell
are you doing in the world you really
have to decide the most important
decision is do I want to be happy will I
commit to being happy
more important than happy sometimes
you’d be so happy to smile so much your
face hurts right you need variety am i
committed to living in a beautiful state
even when it doesn’t go my way even when
it rains on my parade even when my
biggest fear shows up because I can’t
control whether you’re husband and wife
will live or die or get sick or leave
you or get a divorce I don’t want any of
that to happen any human being I hate
suffering I do anything I can’t help
people’s not suffer and I can’t control
that you can you can there are people
have lost their arms lost their sight
there have been people that have been
through the most horrific experiences
life and they found a way to still be
happy because they’ve made the decision
that life is too short to suffer I’ve
interviewed dozens and hundreds over the
years but dozens that like have impacted
my soul that made me realize but I can’t
change this I’ve just gotten used to it
I bought into the theory that this this
survival software that’s constantly
running and making you suffer that
that’s normal
no that’s what the mind will do and mind
has been around forever what I’m gonna
do is something different and the way I
get out of suffering I gave myself a 90
second rule it’s really simple
I say look if I feel myself start to
feel that stress feeling that pissed-off
miss or upsetness or concern or worry
but my kid whatever I realize that’s not
gonna make it better life’s too short to
suffer and then I just kind of breathe
slowly slow everything down and I just
watch the thought globe I know look at
that crazy fucker buddy said crazy
thoughts Ruby said I thought I’m gonna
kill that son of AB
and then you don’t kill them could you
don’t believe that thought it’s the
thoughts that are stressful that you
believe that mess you up when you
question them you break the pattern the
more of Dennis like a muscle the more
I’ve trained myself to do it I can
authentically tell you now it takes a
lot for something I take more than 90
seconds for me now and the level of joy
surpasses all the money you could ever
have in a million years and then the
money it’s easier to even make money
because you’re not attached you don’t
have the fears you don’t have the
scarcity that people have because you
feel so rich already right now I wish
some people don’t wait to be rich what
is that richness its abundance its joy
it’s happiness its contribution it’s
getting out of yourself cuz as long as
we’re thinking about oh my god I lost
something or you did something now I
have less love less respect less money
if I think lost less or because you did
something or because I did something I’m
never gonna have what I want my life
lost less never those three thought
patterns they’re the source of all
suffering and they have to go see it for
what it really is
no it’s BS and find something to
appreciate failures are not the most
terrible things well you have to learn
from it and react to it yeah exactly
when you’re building something new
there’s going to be mistakes and it’s
important to to recognize those mistakes
acknowledge them and take corrective
action yeah and the successful company
is very much more about how quick are
you to fix the mistakes not will you
make mistakes or admit mistakes yeah
absolutely yeah and if you see the
difference between a startup that is
successful in one that is not and it’s
because the successful one they’ve both
made mistakes but the successful one
recognize the mistakes fix them very
quickly and the unsuccessful one tries
to deny that the mistakes exist you know
extremely smart people are sometimes
quite arrogant because they believe in
what they believe in right and so when
they face criticism it’s less likely to
admit you know they can make mistakes
was that in your case I learnt it when I
was doing when I was studying physics
the the you know in physics you’re
taught to always question yourself
you’re taught to always assume that
you’re wrong not assume that you’re
right and you have to prove yourself not
not wrong and so I think that that
that physics framework is really where
where I learnt it and it’s very
effective for under for learning
counterintuitive things that aren’t
obvious mm-hmm so you are very famous in
saying that failure is actually an
option and if you’re not failing but
that means you’re not you know they do
it yeah it’s not like I like failure who
likes failure was terrible but if you
only do things that are certain to
succeed then you’re only gonna be doing
very obvious things the only reason you
keep seeing there isn’t as you feel so
exhausted about where you are but life
the universe or God is just testing you
because there is another level if this
is good
giant jump to excellence Giants start
good poor to good to excellence there’s
a level where all your dreams are
realized there’s a level that you’ve
always dreamed about it is real it has
not gone away but it takes that extra
burst when you think there’s nothing
left there’s no way you’ve tried
everything ten million times and you
keep going it’s almost like God is
saying if you keep hitting this wall
enough times I will see that you will
not stop that you were filled with that
level of determination faith and courage
and then the door opens and you get to
that next level but most people don’t
know is the next level is just
millimeters above and it’s called
outstanding ladies and gentlemen
outstanding what’s it called what’s it
called what’s it called outstanding
magnificent unstoppable extraordinary
not excellent it’s a different level
it’s a level where you are not one of
the best you are the best you know
what’s amazing you only have to be two
millions more than everybody else and
you get everything you get the joy the
last day the father the family the
passion the economics the freedom of
spirit it’s all there what Jerry Maguire
called
the quad baby all of it and it’s just to
milanese above and most excellent people
give up because they’re exhausted and
there’s some people go the harder I hit
it the more I hit it sooner or later
it’s going down I’m not stopping and when you do that enough it pops open
work out one of the things I’ve been
telling myself and also thinking about a
lot is apart from the fact of learning
which we’ll go into is just that space
I’m actually understanding that there
may be a different route see we get so
attached to having one route one method
one way of working we believe that
there’s only one pathway to where we
want to be there’s this conveyor belt of
things we have to do whether it’s you
know get a degree find a partner buy a
house you know play golf whatever it is
like this conveyor belt of efficiency
and productivity that we here that
becomes a part of our natural
progression and when that breaks apart
that’s when we start to worry that’s
when we start to think but notice that
then actually it’s a lot better when
that happens earlier in life see regret
has some really important roles the
first one is that it helps us make sense
of the world from our perspective for
one of the first time see most of us
have spent our lives learning what’s
important to us based on maybe what
families what what communities to what
parents to what education to whatever it
is when you start regretting something a
new thing you did something wrong when
you start thinking that I could have
done something differently you’re making
sense of the world from your perspective
it’s crazy how powerful this is right
you’re starting to make sense of the
world from your perspective the second
thing is it allows you to avoid future
negative behavior if you know you
regretted something why don’t you write
it down right now right if you regret
something write it down right now
because it will teach you so much in the
future you’ve got to write down the
lesson you learn now otherwise next time
when you think you’re making another
tough decision you’re gonna say to
yourself oh what did I do last time how
did I not make myself regret that and
then you’re gonna be upset you’re gonna
regret that you didn’t write it down so
write it down right now
really sad to see that people are
disenchanted and nihilistic and
depressed and anxious and aimless and
and perverse and vengeful and and all of
those things it’s terrible and then to
see people question whether that’s
necessary and then to start to rise out
of it it’s like it’s so fun like last
night
I was at
my talk it’s overwhelming I don’t
usually think about these things but I
was I was after my talk last night and
so all these people line up and you know
they have their 15 15 seconds with me
and they’re kind of tentative they’re
excited and a tentative when they come
up to talk to me and then they have you
know 15 seconds of time to tell me
something I’m really listening to them
and they’re hesitant about whether or
not to share the good news about their
life you know and I think it’s often
because when people share good news
about their life people don’t
necessarily respond positively you know
they don’t get encouragement and people
need so little encouragement it’s just
unbelievable and so they tell me
something good and I’m a god that’s so
good you know somebody says oh I’m
getting along way better with my father
I haven’t seen him for 10 years and now
we get along great and then the power of
that you can’t overstate the power of
that for individuals to get their life
together the individual is an
unbelievably powerful force and every
single person who gets their act
together a little bit has the capacity
to spread that around them it’s it’s a
how did you go through making the
decision to drop it was a very good job
and take it take this chance it all
seems very obvious now right this many
years later that it paid off but at the
time it was not obvious no no it was and
and and I did do a lot of soul searching
I I went to my boss at the time and I
really liked my job and I told my boss I
was gonna go do this thing start an
internet bookstore and my wife had
already told my wife and she’s like
great let’s go
and I I said so my boss is gonna do this
he’s like this is a good idea so I think
this is a good idea but it would be an
even better idea for somebody who didn’t
already have a good job and that sort of
made some logical sense to me and he
convinced me to think about it for a
couple of days so I went away I was
really trying to get my head around how
to think about this and I think for me
the right way to make that kind of very
personal decision because those
decisions are personal they’re not like
data-driven business decisions there
they are you know what does your heart
say and for me it was I could the best
way to think about it was to project
myself forward to age 80 and said look
when I’m 80 years old I want to have
minimized the number of regrets that I
have I don’t want to be 80 years old in
a quiet moment of reflection thinking
back over my life and cataloging a bunch
of major regrets and I think that
regrets are biggest regrets in most
cases you can murder somebody okay you’d
regret that but in most cases our
biggest regrets turn out to the acts of
omission its paths not taken and they
haunt us we wonder what would have
happened I loved that person and I never
told him and then they married somebody
else I did you know I didn’t do this and
so that’s the frame of mind that I put
myself in and I and once I did that once
I thought about that way it was
immediately obvious to me I knew that
when I’m 80 I would never regret trying
this thing that I was super excited
about and failing if it failed fine I
would be very proud of the fact when I’m
80 that I tried and I also
knew that it would always haunt me if I
didn’t try and so that would be a regret
it would be a hundred percent chance of
a regret if I didn’t try and basically a
0% chance of regret if I tried and
failed so I think that’s a useful metric
for any important life decision there’s
so much knowledge out there so much
and we make we make so many mistakes
whether were the product of our mistakes
and oftentimes the lesson is sitting
there right in front of our face it’s
there to be learned but we miss it and
we don’t pay attention to it or we think
and the most important thing to learn is
that we have so much to learn we all do
and we can learn from school and from
people and from experience and we learn
from life but you have to process the
information you have to absorb it you
have to accept it you have to open your
mind you’ve got to free your mind so
that you can learn and make real
progress and as far as regrets and
things I wish I would have done
differently of course hindsight
hindsight is 20/20 and looking back of
course who wouldn’t want to take another
go at something and improve on the first
try by doing it again and then why not
do it again and again and again and why
not just do it over and over again until
you have it
perfect but the fact is you don’t get
that chance you get one shot one shot at
this gig right here life one life and
that’s all you’ve gotten and regret in
and of itself it’s worthless
it does nothing for you in fact the only
valuable thing in regret is the lesson
you learned the knowledge that you
gained but walking around filled with
regret it gets you nothing so learn and
move on
don’t let regret beat you down don’t be
a slave to regret no let it teach you
let it make you better let the fear of
to take action now to become a better
person not filled with regret but filled
filled with knowledge and strength and
power and filled with life
I call it Just’s have been not all
psychologists obviously but the
psychological profession is its neck
deep in this in this pathology has been
beating the self-esteem drum for 50
years
oh no you’re okay you should feel good
about yourself like you’re fine the way
you are it’s like you think well that’s
a calming message for people it’s like
no it’s not it’s not at all and I
watched my audience this is like it’s
full of people in the audience who think
I’m suffering a lot more than I think is
tenable a whole bunch of it’s my fault
my life is not in the order it should be
I know I’m doing 50 things wrong it’s
like what the hell is wrong with me
what’s wrong with the people around me
this is really serious
and some you know well-meaning person
comes up and says oh you’re okay just
the way you are it’s like no one wants
that message it’s like no I’m not okay
the way I am I’m not okay at all the way
I am I know that and so you know when
I’m when I’m speaking to to when I’m
speaking now I say to people oh you’re
nowhere near what you could be that’s
that that’s the positive message it’s
like yeah you’re a mess but you don’t
have to stay that way but you’re a mess
you know it obviously you’re suffering
away like like so much you can barely
tolerate it it’s like that’s okay you
can do something about it so yeah that’s
the thing that that turns the lights on
it’s like you have to do something about
it
I think I feel feel fear quite strongly
so it’s not as though I just have the
absence of fear I’ve I feel it quite
strongly but yeah there were times when
if something is important enough
you’ve leave it enough that you do you
do it in spite of the fear it’s like
people shouldn’t think III I should if
you should think well I feel fear about
this and therefore I shouldn’t do it
it’s normal to be to feel fear like
you’d have to definitely something
mentally wrong you shouldn’t feel fear
so you just feel it and let the
importance of it anyway yeah you know
actually we’re something that can be
helpful as fatalism some degree if you
just think it’s just accept the
probabilities then that diminishes fear
so we’re starting SpaceX I thought the
odds of success were less than 10% and I
just accepted that actually probably I
would just lose lose everything but that
maybe would make some progress if we
could just move the ball forward even if
we died maybe some other company could
pick up the baton and move and keep
moving it forward so that we still do
some good
yeah same with Tesla I thought your odds
of a car company succeeding or extremely
loved one of the things that’s really
interesting about the old testament is
that and the Jews in the Old Testament
is that they don’t take the path of cain
every time they’re walloped by god which
is like fairly frequently they say we
must have done something wrong and we
have to set ourself right and that’s a
an unbelievably heroic attitude because
that’s the alternative to cursing fate
it’s like you take the responsibility
for failure unto yourself and you think
well if I was just maybe if I just had
my act together a little bit more if I
took advantage of every opportunity that
was put in front of me if I wasn’t
resentful and bitter then I could have
done something that would have tilted
the situation in a different direction
and like that’s almost inevitably true
Dostoevsky I think said something like
every man is responsible for everything
that
to him and everything that happens to
everyone else and that’s you know that
that’s that’s a god it’s a crazy
statement right it’s a crazy statement
and he was a pretty extreme person in
many many ways but there’s a level at
which that’s metaphysically true you
know because what happens is that it’s
you its failure to act often that’s the
most catastrophic you know I mean it’s
it’s it’s to not do the right thing when
the when the situation presents itself
and it’s very specific you know you’re
constantly in situations where you could
do the right thing if you were willing
to take a risk that’s actually a
relatively moderate size and you know
that you could take the risk and you
know that you should take the risk and
you don’t and that happens to people all
the time and then what happens is the
thing that they didn’t oppose grows a
little bit and they shrink a little bit
and that starts a loop pay most of the
people who were teaching right now who
are listening to this thing would not
hire themselves that if you had to pick
someone in the world
to do it the thing that you do you’d
find someone better than you so we’ve
changed the stakes and we have to be
really clear about that it used to be if
you went to Rhode Island School of
Design and you got through it you had
this huge head start on people that
starts are gone yes so when you think
about it you know when when terms is I’m
a freelancer and my primary asset is my
relationship with my clients well if I
went and asked your clients which of all
the freelancers you’ve worked with is
off-the-charts with the relationship
would they actually pick you this person
right that when someone says I’m able to
use light in color to create photographs
to create an indelible image in people’s
heads well if I talk to the people
who’ve seen it are you really off the
charts so what I’m saying is yes this
institution is crumbling but that puts a
huge onus on people to be honest with
themselves about the craft that you’re
not going to get away with the craft
being what it used to be just because we
could find you and you know I gave a
talk two weeks ago to the people who
make all the imprinted
in the country like pens and water
bottles things like it’s a huge industry
there’s fifty thousand a hundred
thousand people who do this for a living
ninety percent of them have a big thick
catalog they’ll have the same catalog
and the same price list and you go to
them and they say yeah if these water
bottles which one do you want that used
to be a really important value add
because there was no internet but now
there’s the internet sort by price I’ll
take this water bottle I’m done ten
percent of the people actually engage
with you help you find it that you never
would have thought of deliver the thing
that’s off the charts are taking huge
emotional risks as they do their work
the other ninety percent are sitting
there thinking and they are in the ten
percent they’re not they just have a
catalog so sometimes people throw things
at me when I’m on stage because my
argument is I didn’t wish for the world
to change but it did
now that the world has changed don’t get
frustrated because people are doing
exactly what you do shopping around
sorting by price buying commodities
because that’s what we do when we’re
given the choice
so if you want to be treated as an on
commodity act like an on commodity no
one is a commodity if they don’t want to
be the separation of talent and skill is
one of the the the greatest
misunderstood concepts for people who
are trying to excel who have dreams that
want to do things talent you have
naturally skill is only developed by
hours and hours and hours of beating on
your craft number one thing that’s gonna
change your life the only thing that
will change your life change your
business change your money change your
relationship because you must raise your
standard and I know that sounds boring
stupid basic but it’s the truth
the only thing that changes our life
long term is when we raise our standards
what does that mean that sounds so
boring and dumb it means that all of us
in life have things we want we don’t get
what we want we get what we have to have
remember I said earlier we all
get what we tolerate in ourselves and
other people but when you’re no longer
willing to tolerate something that’s
when your life changes the difference in
people is their standards period the
difference in people is their standards
period and what I mean by standards
everyone in the world has a list of
things they think they should do I
should lose weight I should work out I
should spend more time with my kids I
should work harder I should make more
calls I should I should I should I
should and then you know what people
don’t do their shirts and they get mad
at themselves and they what I call shit
all over themselves they beat themself
up about it
what changes people is when your should
becomes a must when suddenly the thing
you said should happen has to happen
that’s when human beings change it’s
like if you want to take the island and
you’re the head of the army you want to
take the iron Island the most powerful
way to take the Islanders burn the boats
cuz if there’s no way to go back it’s
amazing what happens when it’s a must
there’s no easy way around it no matter
how talented you are your talent is
going to fail you if you’re not skilled
you know if you don’t study if you don’t
work really hard and dedicate yourself
to being better every single day
you’ll never be able to communicate with
with people there’s another rule in my
book which is rule 9 assume that the
person that you’re listening to knows
something you don’t
well they do the person you’re listening
to knows some things you don’t you can
be sure of that
now whether or not you can get to them
is a different matter but if you do get
to them it’s a real deal for you that’s
why you want to listen to the other
person’s arguments is because you’re not
everything you could be you don’t know
the pathway forward with as much clarity
as you could and it’s possible this is
one of the wonderful things that I’ve
had the privilege of experiencing as a
clinician you know because people it’s
like I live inside a Dostoyevsky novel
as a clinician people come in and they
tell me about their lives and I listen
to them and they tell me things that are
just absolutely beyond belief you know
and I learn from my clients constantly
there they’re telling me honestly about
their experience they tell me things
they wouldn’t tell anyone else because I
actually listen to them but part of the
reason I listen is because I’m desperate
to listen it’s like there’s a
possibility I’m gonna do something
stupid in the next five years that’s
gonna be like fatal and there’s some
small possibility that if we have a
decent discussion that you’ll tell me
something that will eliminate some of my
blindness so that I don’t have to fall
into that particular pit and if you have
a good sensitivity for the depth of the
pit then you know you’re pretty bloody
motivated to avoid it and so and that
and that and that dialogue is it’s miss
its dialogic it’s dial logos right it’s
shared logos it’s the way that we redeem
ourselves mutually moving forward
motivated by fear fear you know
fear of what fear of fear I hate being
scared to do something I hate that
feeling of the feeling that I had before
I had a meeting with Quincy Jones
because it was really Quincy Jones and a
guy named Benny Medina who I know and
Jeff Pollan came with the idea for the
Fresh Prince of bel-air and I hated
being scared you know that I didn’t want
to
to even take the meeting there were
opportunities during when I first my
first year as a rapper Bill Cosby and
the people in The Cosby Show had seen my
music video and called me to be a
character to come right and try out for
the Cosby Show and just every time it
was set up for some reason I couldn’t
make it the therapy the fear I hate it I
just hated that being scared to do
something and I think what developed in
my in my early days was the the attitude
that I started attacking things that I
was scared if you’re hungry and you eat
well that’s good but it’s over and then
you’re on to the next thing
right it’s not exactly sustaining it’s
just necessary that’s called consume
Ettore reward by the way this other
reward system is incentive reward and
the incentive reward system works on
dopamine this neurochemical dopamine
which is also the neuro chemical tracks
that opiates and cocaine and
amphetamines the drugs that people
really like to abuse alcohol often for
some people activate and so you might
say if you don’t have enough meaning in
your life then you’re more prone to
addiction and that’s definitely the case
even with rats if you take a route you
put him in a cage by himself and he has
nothing to do and then you give him
access to cocaine he’ll get addicted to
the point where he won’t do anything but
take cocaine but if you throw the rat
back in with a bunch of other rats and
he gets to do rat things then it’s very
hard to get him addicted to cocaine and
so the purposeless rat is prone to
addiction well it’s the same with human
beings now here’s a corollary to that
which is really cool so the magnitude of
the reward you experience as you’re
moving towards a goal is proportionate
to the importance of the goal so that
means the more important the goal you
pick the more possibility there is for
the kind of reward let’s say it’s really
a state of being that is life-affirming
and it is directly life-affirming in
that you know like if you’re in a
football game and you’re and it’s an
important football game and maybe you
break a finger and you know normally
that’s that’s a problem it hurts and
you’re going to stop doing whatever
you’re doing but if you’re right in the
middle
the game then you’ll be so amped up on
this reward system that its analgesic it
stops the pain it also suppresses
anxiety so if you have a purpose then
its analgesic it takes some of the pain
out of life it’s very positive in that
it motivates and energizes you and
focuses you and makes you able to
remember and pay attention and it quells
fear and so those things are all direct
and so then you might think well what’s
the best possible goal well and that’s
that’s the purpose I would say of
religious training and philosophical
training it’s like just what the hell
are you doing in the world you really
have to decide the most important
decision is do I want to be happy will I
commit to being happy
more important than happy sometimes
you’d be so happy to smile so much your
face hurts right you need variety am i
committed to living in a beautiful state
even when it doesn’t go my way even when
it rains on my parade even when my
biggest fear shows up because I can’t
control whether you’re husband and wife
will live or die or get sick or leave
you or get a divorce I don’t want any of
that to happen any human being I hate
suffering I do anything I can’t help
people’s not suffer and I can’t control
that you can you can there are people
have lost their arms lost their sight
there have been people that have been
through the most horrific experiences
life and they found a way to still be
happy because they’ve made the decision
that life is too short to suffer I’ve
interviewed dozens and hundreds over the
years but dozens that like have impacted
my soul that made me realize but I can’t
change this I’ve just gotten used to it
I bought into the theory that this this
survival software that’s constantly
running and making you suffer that
that’s normal
no that’s what the mind will do and mind
has been around forever what I’m gonna
do is something different and the way I
get out of suffering I gave myself a 90
second rule it’s really simple
I say look if I feel myself start to
feel that stress feeling that pissed-off
miss or upsetness or concern or worry
but my kid whatever I realize that’s not
gonna make it better life’s too short to
suffer and then I just kind of breathe
slowly slow everything down and I just
watch the thought globe I know look at
that crazy fucker buddy said crazy
thoughts Ruby said I thought I’m gonna
kill that son of AB
and then you don’t kill them could you
don’t believe that thought it’s the
thoughts that are stressful that you
believe that mess you up when you
question them you break the pattern the
more of Dennis like a muscle the more
I’ve trained myself to do it I can
authentically tell you now it takes a
lot for something I take more than 90
seconds for me now and the level of joy
surpasses all the money you could ever
have in a million years and then the
money it’s easier to even make money
because you’re not attached you don’t
have the fears you don’t have the
scarcity that people have because you
feel so rich already right now I wish
some people don’t wait to be rich what
is that richness its abundance its joy
it’s happiness its contribution it’s
getting out of yourself cuz as long as
we’re thinking about oh my god I lost
something or you did something now I
have less love less respect less money
if I think lost less or because you did
something or because I did something I’m
never gonna have what I want my life
lost less never those three thought
patterns they’re the source of all
suffering and they have to go see it for
what it really is
no it’s BS and find something to
appreciate failures are not the most
terrible things well you have to learn
from it and react to it yeah exactly
when you’re building something new
there’s going to be mistakes and it’s
important to to recognize those mistakes
acknowledge them and take corrective
action yeah and the successful company
is very much more about how quick are
you to fix the mistakes not will you
make mistakes or admit mistakes yeah
absolutely yeah and if you see the
difference between a startup that is
successful in one that is not and it’s
because the successful one they’ve both
made mistakes but the successful one
recognize the mistakes fix them very
quickly and the unsuccessful one tries
to deny that the mistakes exist you know
extremely smart people are sometimes
quite arrogant because they believe in
what they believe in right and so when
they face criticism it’s less likely to
admit you know they can make mistakes
was that in your case I learnt it when I
was doing when I was studying physics
the the you know in physics you’re
taught to always question yourself
you’re taught to always assume that
you’re wrong not assume that you’re
right and you have to prove yourself not
not wrong and so I think that that
that physics framework is really where
where I learnt it and it’s very
effective for under for learning
counterintuitive things that aren’t
obvious mm-hmm so you are very famous in
saying that failure is actually an
option and if you’re not failing but
that means you’re not you know they do
it yeah it’s not like I like failure who
likes failure was terrible but if you
only do things that are certain to
succeed then you’re only gonna be doing
very obvious things the only reason you
keep seeing there isn’t as you feel so
exhausted about where you are but life
the universe or God is just testing you
because there is another level if this
is good
giant jump to excellence Giants start
good poor to good to excellence there’s
a level where all your dreams are
realized there’s a level that you’ve
always dreamed about it is real it has
not gone away but it takes that extra
burst when you think there’s nothing
left there’s no way you’ve tried
everything ten million times and you
keep going it’s almost like God is
saying if you keep hitting this wall
enough times I will see that you will
not stop that you were filled with that
level of determination faith and courage
and then the door opens and you get to
that next level but most people don’t
know is the next level is just
millimeters above and it’s called
outstanding ladies and gentlemen
outstanding what’s it called what’s it
called what’s it called outstanding
magnificent unstoppable extraordinary
not excellent it’s a different level
it’s a level where you are not one of
the best you are the best you know
what’s amazing you only have to be two
millions more than everybody else and
you get everything you get the joy the
last day the father the family the
passion the economics the freedom of
spirit it’s all there what Jerry Maguire
called
the quad baby all of it and it’s just to
milanese above and most excellent people
give up because they’re exhausted and
there’s some people go the harder I hit
it the more I hit it sooner or later
it’s going down I’m not stopping and when you do that enough it pops open
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