Mel Robbins’ Top 50 Rules for Success (@melrobbins)

our minds are designed to stop you at
all costs from doing anything that might
hurt you if you are somebody that is
sitting around waiting for some external
force to come and do the work for you
that is such a closing bet it’s
unbelievable I’m about to change your
life because this piece of research
changed by need motivation watch the top
10 with believe nation what’s up at 7:00
my one word is believe and I believe in
you I believe you have Michael Jordan
level talent adds something and I want
you to find it embrace it and use it to
make a difference so let’s get your
motivation to attend and get you
believing in you grab a snack and chew
on today’s lessons from a woman who went
from being a career criminal defense
attorney to becoming one of the most
popular commentators on CNN becoming a
best-selling author and public speaker
she’s not Robin and here’s my take on
alright let’s kick it off with rule
number one change your decisions we
bought into this this complete falsehood
that at some point you’re gonna have the
courage at some point you’re gonna have
the confidence and it’s total
frankly I don’t know Real ID to swear an
absolute okay it’s it’s complete garbage
and so there are so many people in the
world and and and you know you may be
watching this right now and you have
these incredible ideas and what you
think is missing is motivation and
that’s not true because the way that our
minds are wired and the fact about human
beings is that we are not designed to do
things that are uncomfortable or scary
or difficult our brains are designed to
protect us from those things because our
brains are trying to keep us alive and
in order to change in order to build a
business in order to be the best parent
the best spouse to do all those things
that you know you want to do with your
life with your work with your dreams
you’re gonna have to do things that are
difficult uncertain or scary which sets
up this problem for all of us you’re
never gonna feel like it motivations
garbage you you only feel motivated to
do the things that are easy right
what do you think that is oh I know
exactly why that is because I I’ve
studied this so much because for me one
of the hardest things to figure out was
why is it so hard to do the little
things that would improve my life and
what I’ve come to realize and what we’ll
talk a lot about today is that the way
that our minds are designed is our minds
are designed to stop you at all costs
from doing anything that might hurt you
and the way that that that that this all
happens is it all starts with something
super subtle that none of us ever catch
and that is with this habit that all of
us have that nobody’s talking about we
all have a habit of hesitating
we have an idea you’re sitting in a
meeting you have this incredible idea
and instead of just you know saying it
you stop and you hesitate now what none
of us realize is that when you hesitate
just that moment that micro moment that
small hesitation it sends a stress
signal to your brain it wakes your brain
up and your brain all of a sudden goes
oh wait a minute
wait why is he hesitating he didn’t
hesitate when he put on his killer spiky
sneakers he didn’t hesitate with the
really cool track pants he didn’t
hesitate with the NASA t-shirt now he’s
hesitating to talk something must be up
so then your brain goes to work to
protect you it has a million different
ways to protect you one of them is
called the spotlight effect it’s a known
phenomenon where your brain magnifies
risk why to pull you away from something
that it perceives to be a problem and so
you can truly trace every single problem
or complaint in your life to silence and
hesitation those are decisions and what
I do and what’s changed my life is
waking up and realizing that motivations
garbage I’m never gonna feel like doing
the things that are tough for difficult
or uncertain or scary or no so I need to
stop waiting until I feel like it and
number two I am one decision away from a
totally different marriage a totally
different life a totally different job a
totally different income a totally
different relationship with my kids
not like one decision I’m divorcing you
in in the marriage example but one
decision on you know you could be having
a conversation with your spouse and you
feel your emotions rise up and within a
tiny window those emotions can take over
and can impact how your marriage goes or
you can learn how to take control of
that micro moment and make a decision to
act in a way that actually shifts your
marriage your life comes down to your
decisions and if you change your
decisions you will change everything
rule number two listen to your gut when
I was 22 right after I graduated from
Dartmouth I was so focused on making
everyone happy that I almost chose the
worst possible career for my personality
it’s not a bad career it just would have
been horrendous for me I was interested
in the environment so I decided oh you
know I’ll go get a law degree and then
I’ll go work in Washington and I think
maybe I’ll work on environmental policy
and I’d probably end up in some cube
farm and everyone was thrilled with the
plan everyone it turns out but me so
here I am I’m driving a u-haul across
country to go to law school and to get a
degree in environmental law and
something started to gnaw at me and with
every single mile that I drove my
thoughts were getting louder and doubts
were starting to pour in my gut was
telling me Mel
turn the damn u-haul around but the
problem was that everything was already
in place right I mean I’m already in the
u-haul the thing is already packed I’m
already 10 miles into my drive the
tuition had been paid for the first
semester I had signed a lease I mean I
could not undo these things
isn’t that why it’s so difficult for you
to make changes in your life because you
think that things can’t be undone the
fact is any excuse that you come up with
you can undo tuition can be reimbursed
apartments can be leased Plan B can be
invented so I got up I repack that
u-haul and I drove out of town
I let myself make a u-turn in life if
you ever find your gut battling your
head save yourself the drama I guarantee
you your gut is right guarantee you your
excuses can be undone and I guarantee
you you can make a u-turn in your life
right now if you want to rule number
three push yourself to the next level
you can be asking for assignments that
are above your level so there’s work
that you do at your level and then
there’s work that you do above your
level and the only way that you’re going
to be promoted to do work above your
level is a if you can demonstrate that
you’re capable of doing the work at your
level and B if you are proactive in
seeking out opportunities that expand
your capability and give you a give you
a chance to work
above the level that you’re at nothing’s
going to happen unless you take that
initial action nothing’s going to happen
nothing’s going to change unless you put
down that pen in the meeting and you sit
up and you pay attention and you listen
for for your opportunity to speak
nothing’s gonna happen unless you push
yourself to go in and make the ask for
that assignment that scares you to death
rule number four take action one night
Chris have gone to bed I’ve been
struggling struggling struggling we
still had all the same problems I we
start a lien on the house still facing
bankruptcy still fighting like crazy I
was still unemployed
he still they still haven’t figured out
like the solution yet for the business
and I was about to turn off the TV and
there on the the TV there was this
rocket launching and I thought oh my
gosh I am gonna launch myself out of bed
like a rocket ship like NASA right here
had launched me out of that bed and I’m
gonna move so fast that I don’t think
mmm I’m gonna beat my brain now here’s a
really interesting point I talked a lot
about your instincts and inner wisdom
and we can get into this a little bit
later but a lot of us talk about the
fact that you have a gut feeling but
what all this research that I’ve done
for the book and all the speaking that I
do what I’ve discovered that’s
fascinating is actually when you set
goals when you have an intention on
something that you want to change about
your life your brain helps you what it
does is it opens up a checklist and then
your brain goes to work trying to remind
you yeah of that intention that you set
and it’s really important to develop the
skill and I say that word purposefully
the skill of knowing how to hear that
inner wisdom and that intention kicking
in and leaning into it quickly so for me
my brain saying that’s it right there
move as fast as a rocket Mel I wanted to
change my life and I think most people
that are miserable or that are that are
really like dying to be great
Dyanne to have more we want to change we
want to live a better life we want to
create more for our families we want to
be happier the the desire is there again
it’s about how do you go from knowledge
to actions so the first thing in the
story that’s important is realizing that
the answer was in me and my mind was
telling me pay attention I could have
also been the Bourbon anyway the next
morning the alarm goes off and I
pretended NASA was there
it’s a stupidest story I literally went
five four three two one I counted out
loud and then I stood up and I’ll never
forget standing there in my bedroom it
was dark it was cold it was winter in
Boston mm-hmm and for the first time in
three months I had beaten my habit of
hitting the snooze button I couldn’t
believe it and I thought wait a minute
counting backwards that is the dumbest
thing I’ve ever heard in my entire life
well the next morning I used it again
and it worked the next morning I used it
again and it worked the next morning I
used it again and it worked and then I
started to notice something really
interesting there were moments all day
long all day long just like that
five-second moment in bed where I knew
knowledge what I should do and if I
didn’t move within five seconds my brain
would step in and talk me out of it
every human being has a five-second
window might even be shorter for you you
have about a five-second window in which
you can move from idea to action before
your brain kicks into full gear and
sabotages any change in behavior because
remember your brain is wired to stop you
from doing things that are uncomfortable
or uncertain or scary it’s your job to
learn how to move from those ideas that
could change everything into acting on
them rule number five follow your
curiosity I think you have to be really
in tune with your impulses and with
your natural state of curiosity and your
curiosity and the things that you’re
naturally drawn toward that’s the guy if
you could spend hours singing if you
could spend hours baking if you could
spend hours writing if you could spend
hours learning code that’s a huge signal
that that’s something that you’re really
innately interested in and so if you’re
curious about something if you notice
that you daydream about being a writer
if you notice that you daydream about
starting a tech company if you notice
you daydream about building bridges
follow your curiosity and you can do
that a number of ways first of all
google it there are millions and
millions of pages out there on the web
that are related to what you’re
interested in secondly find an online
course most of the major universities
are offering their courses online for
free
third buy a book about it put yourself
in a collision course with the thing
that you’re curious about and you will
get closer and closer and closer to
figuring it out rule number six think
positively what about when someone can’t
realize or identify their own negative
feelings someone that has been
conditioned to with and negative
feelings and believes that that’s normal
this question comes from Basavanna denna
gaga um it is your normal you’re right
it’s a really first of all I’m sorry
that that’s been your experience of life
because that really stinks and it
doesn’t have to be that way but here
here’s where I want you to go what’s
interesting about what you said is the
fact that these feelings are normal okay
normal just means you’re used to them
but you don’t have to live with them so
even though you’re so used to these
negative feelings and these feelings of
doubt you still don’t like them
you still have the ability to stop that
so I want you to think of a moment in
time when you were really happy like it
could be a memory from being little it
could be something that you dream of
doing and I want you to come up with
something really specific about that
moment okay like think about what you’re
wearing or think about the the blue sky
that is gonna be what I call your anchor
thought every time from this moment
forward that you wake up or you find
yourself drifting to those normal
feelings of I’m a loser I’m worthless
I’m never gonna find love they may be
things that you’re used to thinking but
that doesn’t that doesn’t matter because
you can change them the second that you
feel that you’ve drifted over into that
thought and I keep coming over here
because when you start using the rule
you’re gonna start to literally feel
which part of your mind you’re using the
worries kind of happened here I want you
to 5 4 3 2 1 and then I want you to
insert this vision of yourself this
vision of yourself where you felt really
good and if you can’t think of one
invent one how would you feel if you
were in love how would you feel if you
loved yourself how would you feel if you
did that thing that you’re scared of
that you keep talking yourself out of
that’s your anger thought now when you
first start using the rule particularly
when you’re breaking a habit a habit of
thinking negative thoughts when you
first start doing it you may need to use
the five-second rule 73 times in one day
that’s okay I had to do it like that
when I was first using the rule to cure
myself and anxiety when I would start to
worry about anything I’d start to worry
about you know my kids or I’d start to
worry about money and I feel my thoughts
drift and then I’d start to feel my
heart race
I would stabilize my thoughts by 4 3 2 1
I’ve activated my prefrontal cortex
lower the the worries you know on the
other side and then I would start to
think about something that actually
made me feel really calm or excited that
is the Battle of your mind and you know
the other thing about normal that I just
want to say is that the reason why it
feels normal to doubt yourself and to
have low self-worth is because you’ve
thought this so long it’s become a
pattern just like chewing your nails
becomes a pattern of behavior that you
don’t think about well the cool thing is
is that based on science you can
actually change any pattern even a
thinking one so use the five-second rule
every single time you catch yourself
thinking the nasty stuff and then
activate your prefrontal cortex and
force yourself to think something
positive rule number seven don’t give up
on your dreams every single morning
Monday through Fridays at 9:00 a.m. I
host a live call-in radio show on Sirius
satellite radio it’s called make it
happen with Mel Robbins and the thing
that’s been so crazy about that show is
every single person that calls me on
that show they call in because they’re
feeling stuck in their lives and they’re
resigned about their ability to change
their lives and I’m not talking about
people that are nuts I’m talking about
successful people like you and me that
just somehow got stuck in their lives
and I’m not talking about people that
are looking for cheesy self-help I’m
talking about people that really want to
figure out how to move themselves
forward and you know I find that so many
of us think that our dreams are
unreachable or unrealistic and it’s just
so sad I mean people think that their
dreams disappear and if that’s what you
think congratulations you’re officially
stuck and the truth is that our dreams
are always there and they don’t ever
give up on us we give up on them but
here’s the secret if you just force
yourself and I mean force because I know
damn well none of you want to do
anything about this and I also know
you’re sitting there like yeah the
self-help crap this isn’t for me
but if you just force yourself to take a
couple small steps there’s always a
surprise rule number eight know what you
want so let’s talk about Starbucks
Starbucks in 2008 very interesting thing
happened and many of you if you are in
the financial services market then
probably know this that their net income
decreased by about twenty-eight percent
that year and at the time they had
16,000 stores in 44 countries and they
had gone through this massive explosive
growth segment in terms of going from
going public in I think it was like 1992
they only had 125 stores and now here we
are 2008 they’ve got 16,000 so what ends
up happening is Howard Schultz who is
the chairman of the board comes back in
as the CEO very complex situation right
you’ve got operations in 44 countries
you’ve got massive reduction in terms of
the profits that you have you’ve got the
stock market and Wall Street screaming
at you you’ve got customers that are
going to Dunkin Donuts because there’s a
recession that’s hitting so what do you
do well he was very clear again back to
the two rules why do I stand for like
what is it what is what am i doing and
what do I want the outcome to be so he
was very clear that what he stood for as
a leader and what Starbucks should stand
for is the Starbucks experience he
wanted to go back to the beginning and
reintroduce people to the romance of
having a cup of coffee because you know
that’s how Starbucks launched in the
beginning that he was traveling and was
over in Italy and was like God why don’t
we in places like these great stops to
have a little cup of coffee over in the
United States boom Starbucks an idea
it’s born it’s launched so he decides
he’s gonna do whatever he can to get the
romance of having a cup of coffee back
in life in any situation whether you’re
talking about growing your company
growing your bank account getting in a
relationship getting out of a
relationship getting something done at
the school system that your kids are
going to on behalf of your kids whatever
it is that you’re up to in life this is
the only question that you need to ask
yourself well what is it that I want
because the truth of the matter is if
you can answer that you can have it rule
number nine
push forward so if it were easy to get
what you wanted in life Google would
have already figured out an app you
would just type in
okay I’m a student and I want to go from
being a student to being successful and
Google would tell you go to college then
you get your master’s then you land this
killer job and then you put in a bunch
of face time while you’re checking
Facebook then you get promoted to
manager and then you realize managing
people kind of stinks and then you keep
climbing the corporate ladder and then
you start to wonder well how did I end
up here and then you want ways this is
what success looks like you’re like no
I’m gonna go to Jay Hilbert that’s what
success looks like so keep this in mind
if there’s something that you want like
seven people or a trip to Africa or
you’re going to make it to Mexico in the
pink shirt I’m looking at you again sir
I’m watching you and rooting for you
keep in mind this here you are this is
what you want I spend a lot of time on
lacrosse fields although they don’t
really look like this you tend to think
that what you want you just march right
towards it but if in sports you march
right towards the goal what happens the
defenders come in and what the defenders
are is it’s your brain saying ain’t
gonna happen
so the second you start moving toward
that thing you want be ready
you’re gonna tell yourself you don’t
feel like it you’re gonna have to force
yourself it’s happening there’s no way
to get around it so what you’re gonna
have to do is you’re gonna basically get
bounced around a lot all over the place
and they’re gonna be a lot of times that
you feel like this was a really dumb
idea to start this business because it’s
gonna get hard and I want to remind you
about something unlike a sports field
where there’s an in and out of bounds
the great thing about life is there
actually aren’t any and it’s usually in
those moments where you feel like you
can’t do it that you’re closer than ever
to having everything that you wanted and
I wanted to show you this so that you
keep it in mind because I think a lot of
times when you look back it’s the
darkest moments where you realize holy
cow that’s what projected me forward
rule number ten be honest with yourself
we live in the most amazing moment in
time so that thing that you have up here
whatever it may be you want to use
health
to cure your diabetes you want to figure
out how to take care of the elders and
start a new hospice center you want to
move to Africa and build a school guess
what you can walk into a bookstore right
now and buy at least ten books written
by credentialed experts on how the hell
you doing you could google it and you
could probably find at least I don’t
know a thousand blogs documenting the
step by step by step transformation that
somebody else is already doing you can
find anybody online and cyberstalk them
you can just walk in their footsteps and
let that you know just use the science
of drafting follow what everyone else
has done cuz somebody else has already
built it so why don’t you have what you
want
when you have all the information that
you need you have the contacts that you
need there are probably free tools
online that allow you to start a
business or join a group or do whatever
the heck you want it all comes down to
shut the front door you know what I’m
talking about the f-bomb it’s everywhere
you hear it all the time and I honestly
don’t understand what the appeal is of
the word I mean you don’t sound smart
when you say it and it’s really not
expressing how you really feel it’s sort
of a cheap you know shot to take and of
course you know I’m talking about the
word fine how you doing I’m fine oh
really you are dragging around those
extra 40 pounds you’re fine
feeling like roommates with your spouse
and you’re fine you haven’t had sex in
four months you’re fine really
I don’t think so but see here’s the deal
with saying that you’re fine it’s
actually genius because if you’re fine
you don’t have to do anything about it
but when you think about this word fine
it just makes me so angry I mean here we
are at a conference about being alive
and you’re gonna describe the experience
of being alive as fine what a flimsy and
feeble word your crappy say your crappy
if you’re amazing say you’re amazing
tell the truth and this not only goes
for the social construct oh I’d want to
burden you with the fact that I hate my
life or you know I am amazing but that
would make you feel terrible
the bigger issue the bigger issue with
fine is that you say it to yourself that
thing that you want I guarantee you
you’ve convinced yourself that you’re
fine not having it that’s why you’re not
pushing yourself it’s the areas in your
life where you’ve given up where you’ve
said oh I’m fine my mom’s never gonna
change so I just can’t have that
conversation I’m fine
you know we gotta wait until the kids
graduate before we get divorced so we’ll
just sleep in separate bedrooms I’m fine
I lost my job I can barely pay my bills
but whatever it’s hard to get a job
and you know one of the reasons why this
word also just annoys me so much is
scientists have calculated oh yeah I’m
coming down scientists have calculated
the odds of you being born that’s right
they’ve crunched the numbers I see you
up there
they have crunched the numbers on you
yeah no you guys standing up you want to
sit down for this they’ve crunched the
numbers on you being born and they took
into account all of the wars and the
natural disasters and the dinosaurs and
everything else and do you realize that
the odds the odds of you yeah right here
put your computer way stand up for me
Doug so the odds of Doug here turn
around say hi to everybody the odds yeah
of Doug Doug being born at the moment in
time he was born to the parents you were
born to with the DNA structure that you
have a hundred or no one and four
hundred trillion isn’t it amazing
so lucky yes you’re not fine you’re
fantastic
you have life-changing ideas for a
reason and it’s not the torture yourself
thank you thank you Doug you know
Christine was right when she said all of
you could be on stage because all of you
are all in this category one and four
hundred trillion all day long you have
ideas that could change your life that
could change the world that could change
the way that you feel and what do you do
with them nothing oh hopefully it won’t
moon you
you didn’t pay for that rule number 11
be in charge of your thoughts drive
that’s this puppy right here this is
what you want this is your prefrontal
cortex Drive is the mode where you’re in
charge of your thoughts okay it’s where
you are fully awake you are present and
you are driving your thoughts and
actions when you’re doing that your
prefrontal cortex is active the
prefrontal cortex is the part of the
brain that you need in order to learn
new behavior in order to do something
difficult in order to do something
uncertain in order to do strategic
thinking so I’m gonna give you an
example so I’m a righty if I were to try
to write with my left hand like you
Lois’s got short for me and tie my hand
behind my back and make me like do this
I could do it it would look like I was
writing with my foot and if Luis came up
to me and said hey Mel you want some
bulletproof coffee I’d be like Luis I’m
doing I’m trying to concentrate it can’t
do this my prefrontal cortex would be el
fuego because it is firing on all
cylinders to communicate to my hand new
behavior so the thing that’s cool about
that is that you can use a simple trick
the moment you feel yourself hesitate
the moment you’ve got one of those
moments where you know that you need to
this is that moment that Luis talks to
you about where you got a step outside
of your comfort zone and you’ve got to
lean into your passion and you’ve got to
really take some risks and you’ve got to
feel the fear and you got to do it
anyway that’s the moment where you just
woke up and now you got a decision to
make are you gonna drift back into the
habits or are you going to awaken your
prefrontal cortex and drive forward and
focus and do something new rule number
12 do the most important work first get
up 30 minutes earlier than you normally
do and push yourself to work on the most
important priorities first this isn’t
just me research shows that your most
productive hours are the first two to
three hours after you wake up and get
ready this means that for peak
productivity you’ve got to do whatever
you can do to make sure the most
important work to you gets done first
during that window of time rule number
13 be in the present moment
if you’re living in the past you’re
going to be depressed because you are
rehashing things that happen to you that
are not going to happen again if you’re
living in the future you’re gonna be
anxious because you are anticipating
what’s coming or you’re wishing for
things that aren’t happening yet being
in the present is where the gold is
being in the present moment is where you
will have the greatest control where you
will feel the most at ease and where
happiness flourishes there’s a
super-tight connection between happiness
and the ability to live in the present
moment a lot of people believe that
happiness is tied to the things that
happen to you not so at all in fact
there is a professor of positive
psychology he’s one of the grandfather’s
of the movement he teaches at the
University of Pennsylvania his name is
Martin settlement and he studied
happiness for decades now one of the
things that we’ve talked about a lot is
that 40% of your happiness levels are
preset by genetics 60 percent you are in
complete control of and one of the
things that this professor has has
discovered is that it doesn’t matter
what’s happened to you in fact some of
the people that have had the worst
things the worst things happen to them
like people that have survived the
Holocaust are actually the happiest and
most grateful people in the world
happiness comes down to this right up
here comes down to your thoughts comes
down to your mindset it comes down to
your attitude and you are 100% control
of what you’re thinking you may not be
in control of how you feel in the moment
but you can always always always always
be in control of what you think and that
will change how you’re feeling one of
the most powerful things that you can do
in terms of think and this gets back to
strix question is how do you be present
being present is literally nothing more
than the skill of having your thoughts
be in this moment not in the past not in
the future but right here the way that
you teach yourself how to do that
is that the moment that you catch
yourself being distracted the moment you
catch yourself starting to worry the
moment you catch yourself drifting to
the future drifting to the past that’s a
moment of tremendous power because you
basically just woke up
you basically just noticed that you’re
not here in this particular moment so
use that wake-up call 5 4 3 2 1 and
ground yourself in this moment the best
way to ground yourself in the moment is
to look for something in this particular
moment that you can savor now I’m using
the word savor on purpose because it’s
the word that psychologists use to
describe what happens when you find
something in this moment right now right
here right now to focus on and to
appreciate it could be literally the
questions these are these are printed
out questions from people on social
media and if I were to stop and look at
these and savor them what I would feel
in this moment is a tremendous amount of
gratitude because people are taking the
time to write and that makes me feel
incredibly grateful and it also makes me
very happy because it means that that
the folks that are writing are taking
control of their lives and seeking out
the information that they need another
form of savoring that we can all relate
to is eating as you’re eating instead of
drifting to the future and thinking
about all the things that you need to do
or hanging out in the past and rehashing
everything that’s happened during the
day be in this moment in this meal slow
down
think about the food that you’re eating
think about the people that you’re
sitting with and how you feel about them
and if you want to take it up a notch
actually acknowledge them hey this food
tastes amazing
thank you for cooking or I’m so glad to
see you and that we get the time to have
this meal together those small simple
acts of savoring are how you expand your
happiness inside the present moment so
how do you be more present simple the
moment that you catch yourself in the
future in the past worrying whatever
refocus yourself right here right now
and then find something right here right
now that you can save her and when you
do that you’re not only gonna be present
you’re gonna feel more grateful and
you’re gonna feel a little boost to
happiness
rule number 14 pick the two priorities a
day I think the two things that are the
most important things that you can focus
on that are priorities for you that will
advance your long-term goals so just
pick two priorities a day whenever you
have some spare time or you’ve got some
wiggle room in your schedule that’s when
you force yourself to sit down and work
on those two priorities for the day
because here’s the truth about it to-do
list
eventually that crap will get done and
typically what we do all day long is
we’re usually putting out fires we’re
responding to emails we’re sitting in
meetings that other people have called
and our days get filled doing things for
other people so what I want you to do is
I want you to start thinking about every
single day what are two things that are
priorities for you and then find time
whenever you can even if it’s just 10
minutes to sit down and work on them
rule number 15 set your goals high I
want you to start seeing something
bigger I know you’re all successful I’m
talking about something really big for
your life and in order to do that you
have to answer this question what do you
really want now I’m not talking about
something small I’m not talking about a
little haiku I’m not talking about
renovating your kitchen I’m not talking
about signing on 10 new
this month I’m talking about what you
really want you know three years ago I
was a lawyer and a business coach
working with private clients and big
corporations all over the country and I
came to a seminar just like this one a
big leadership seminar and I went there
with my husband were both business
owners and I went because I wanted to be
more successful and I went because I
wanted to make even more money than I
already did and I was sitting exactly
where yoga are in fact I was sitting
about you know 15 rows back right where
that woman with the hand on her hang
like yet you yeah she’s like hi it was
sitting and I was taking notes and I’m
like okay I’m here to make more money
and then all of a sudden she walked on
stage that is Martha Beck she writes a
column for Oprah Winfrey she travels
around the country speaking she’s a
best-selling author and when she walked
on stage I literally stopped listening
please keep listening to me right now
and it hits me I said I want to be doing
that I’m ready for a bigger state wait
that’s it and what’s so interesting
about when you answer that question is
that you don’t answer it up here you
answer it here that’s how you see
something bigger for yourself you know
you guys are really cute because
everybody is like I don’t see it what do
you I don’t see anything for myself
right I and now I’m just confused I
thought I knew what I wanted you know
and now melih I’m not really sure and
right now the economy is so bad I mean
it’s so bad that even if you’re
successful I know sometimes I feel
embarrassed talking about my success
around some of my friends because I know
that they’re really struggling and I get
calls every day into the radio show
people saying oh I’ve got this great
idea but I just don’t know if it’s the
right time and you know I say to them I
say yeah you know you’re right the
recession it’s it’s huge you should wait
those dreams yeah put them on hold
that’s right you you should you should
stay in the job you can’t stand just a
little bit long you get college bills to
pay I mean you know what you’re doing
it’s fine you’re busy right that guy
you’re dating he’s good enough for you
but for the people in this room baloney
you know that’s right you know exactly
what you want and the only thing that
you need to do is to admit it now this
may sound weird because I know most of
you came in here because you’re like I
know what I want I’m here at success so
try to figure it out I’m talking about
something bigger much bigger I’ll admit
to you what it is that I’m up to and the
truth is it’s embarrassing because when
you lock on to something way bigger than
where you’re at it is downright
embarrassing to tell people because
you’re not there yet
but I mean at this rate I’ve already
admitted to you that I stalked Martha
Beck and that I brought a haiku to the
best you know lit agent in the country
so I got nothing to lose at this point
well not him I’m married I want what
he’s got I want six hundred radio
stations I want two million listeners
and I could certainly deal with the four
hundred million dollar salary in fact if
I got it I’d renovate everybody’s
kitchen and you know the thing is though
that’s so interesting about this is that
I didn’t pick him I mean I’m not looking
to become a cigar smoking conservative
political guy that like stirs the pot
makes everybody all mad
I’m the liberal lifestyle gal that’s
trying to help people out but what I
want to do is I want to use radio to
entertain people and help them achieve
their dreams and when I really think
about it he’s the one that’s in the
front I want to not only reach what he’s
doing I want to surpass him I mean do
you think I like it when my friends come
over to my office in Boston at my house
and they’re like what is that guy doing
on your board no it’s embarrassing when
you admit the big thing that you’re up
to it’s embarrassing I have 40 stations
he’s got 600 there’s a big gap so
admitting where you want to get to is
embarrassing but you gotta do it rule
number 16 lean in to change Mel Robbins
your media radio show make it happen
helps me golf a success you actually say
there are three red flags we should look
for that will actually tell us it’s time
to change big ones
whenever you start feeling in your life
like oh my gosh is this all there is
huge red flag number one number two when
you spend your energy being jealous or
having the grasses greener over there
another big wake-up call for you that
you’re ready for a change and then the
other final red flag is if you’re
spending your life waiting to be happy
I’ll be happy when I’ll be happy when I
get married I’ll be happy when I change
my job I’ll be happy when I watch a
business it’s time to change now because
that moments not coming unless you make
it come but how do I know that I’m maybe
just not living in a fantasy land that
I’m never
no matter where I am the grass is always
green a concept that I’ll always say
this could be better and I might be
making change for change sake but it
might not be really what I need Bologna
if you’re still saying that to yourself
over and over and over again and you’re
complaining it’s what you’re really good
at is ignoring your gut and so it’s time
to start tuning into your gut and making
some changes okay so if people see these
signs why don’t they make changes then I
mean what you just described is very
depressing and tell you what I can tell
you like the reason why they don’t make
changes is because what happens is you
say okay I want to do X and then
immediately what you see next are all
the obstacles and so you’re actually
smart you’re not necessarily afraid
you’re smart because you think how the
hell am I gonna go from being a lawyer
to a carpenter when I have a mortgage to
pay I’ve got to ition bills to go my
wife is gonna kill me if I make this
kind of change and so you get stuck
because you see obstacles and then you
never do anything it was our very real
obstacles okay so how do I kind of get
past those obstacles very easy let’s say
I recognize the warning signals yep okay
time for change danger Will Robinson
yeah this is not the right path but it
does seem Herculean the hurdles to go
worse don’t quit your job that’s number
one second thing is I think most change
in life is not about putting on a big
cape and jumping off a cliff or out of
an airplane it’s more like leaning into
something so if you find yourself
daydreaming about something or wishing
that you could change your life start
investigating start having conversations
about it starts leading into change
right rule number 17 beat your fears
with anchor thoughts you know I’ve heard
a lot of experts say that fear isn’t
real that is such a bunch of baloney
fear is so real in fact there are
probably things that you’re afraid of
doing right now in your life in your
relationships at work and the fact that
you’re afraid that’s robbing you of all
of the experiences that you want to have
in your life I mean if you’re afraid to
fly that’s gonna limit your ability to
travel and see the world or go visit
friends if you’re afraid of public
speaking that’s gonna really limit your
ability to express yourself and share
your ideas if you if you’re afraid of
talking to your boss or asking for a
raise that directly impacts how much
money you make or what if you
our dreaming of starting a business or
you’ve already started a new business
but you’re afraid to talk to people and
you’re afraid to share your business
with people I mean fear is something
that stops us all and that’s why I’m
here to talk to you because it doesn’t
have to fear is real but I am gonna
share a secret weapon that I have used
for years to beat every single fear that
used to stop me now first before we get
into the secret weapon I just want to
cover a few facts about fear what it is
what it isn’t and some things that you
may not know about fear so first thing
fear is a physical state in your body
that is exactly the same as excitement
let me say that again
fear and excitement are the exact same
physical state your heart races you
might sweat a little bit
you might feel tightening in your chest
you might feel a pit in your stomach you
have a surge of cortisol it’s basically
the way that your body goes into a hyper
aware state because it’s readying for
action now what’s the difference between
fear and excitement really simple the
only difference between fear and
excitement is what your brain is doing
as your body is all agitated if you’re
excited your brains going oh wow this is
going to be so cool to ride this roller
coaster if you’re afraid your brains
going oh no way there’s no way I’m doing
that this is dangerous get out of there
don’t do that it’s saying something
different so what’s critical about
understanding this is that we’re gonna
use the fact that your mind is either
working for you for excitement or
against you with fear to your advantage
and I’ll tell you about it in just a
minute how you’re gonna do that second
thing I want you to understand is that
you may have heard the advice feel the
fear and do it anyway you may have heard
the advice oh just try to calm down
think positive thoughts it doesn’t work
does it and there’s a reason why it
doesn’t work so let’s go back to fact
number
when you’re afraid your body’s in a
state of arousal and agitation if your
heart is racing and you’re all like
amped up and you’re hyper aware of
what’s going on and you’re freaking out
a little bit what is it like when you’re
calm ah it just kind of chilled right
you got like this low arousal state very
very difficult to go from a state of
agitation of being all jacked up and
excited and weirded out uh to a kind of
state it doesn’t work it’s like trying
to stop a train by throwing a boulder on
the track so it’s gonna make the train
jump off the tracks it’s gonna cause a
disaster in fact they’ve proven in
research that when you try to ignore
your fears it actually makes it worse
and they’ve also proven in research the
positive thinking alone also can make
your fears work worse so what do you do
what do you do when you’re about to go
talk to your boss and you feel afraid
what do you do when you have to get on a
plane and you’re actually terrified of
flying what do you do if you’ve got to
give a presentation and you are afraid
of public speaking here’s what you’re
gonna do you’re gonna use a strategy the
same one that I use that has helped me
beat every single fear and turn me into
somebody that is terrific when it comes
to a high-stress situation this is how
you do it you’re gonna use my
five-second rule in combination with
what I call an anchor thought and that
is going to reframe what your mind is
doing so that your mind goes from
feeling agitation and making you afraid
to reframing it from agitation to
excitement it works like magic now I
have used this technique for years
literally for years and one of the ways
that I want to introduce you to it is I
want to take you backstage I want to
take you backstage to a speech that I
delivered this year and what you’re
gonna see is you’re gonna see me behind
you know the major set I’m about to walk
out you can kind of hear the crowd
roaring my introductory video is playing
my body is in a state of arousal
I am literally my heart is racing my
arms are sweating like it’s like you’re
gonna see this I’m gonna tell you about
it and you’re gonna watch me use this
same technique I’m gonna teach you to
reframe my nerves into excitement check
this out all right I’m about to go on
stage there are seven thousand people
out there and it’s so exciting because
what they don’t know is they’re about to
learn the five-second rule and their
lives will never be the same again
now I got to tell you my heart is racing
my armpits are sweating I have the exact
same physiological feeling as when I’m
afraid but I’m not afraid I’m excited
excitement and fear is the exact same
thing in your body it’s just what your
brain calls it here’s a trick that’s
proven by science that I use every time
I speak when I start to sweat when I
start to have butterflies when I start
to have my heart race
I say I’m excited I’m excited to get out
there I’m excited to talk to these
people I’m excited to share the
five-second rule and what that does is
it sends a message to my brain that
tells my brain why my body’s all
agitated and excited and that way I
don’t feel afraid
remember excitement and fear exact same
thing in your body the only difference
is what your brain calls it
okay now I want to give you one more
example just to make sure that you
really get how you can use this so a lot
of you have written to me about your
fear of flying and I can really relate
to that fear because I used to have the
exact same fear but I used this same
strategy to conquer it here’s how you’re
going to do it so first things first if
you’ve got to do something that really
makes you nervous or that you’re afraid
to do before you’re about to do it come
up with an anchor thought what’s an
anchor thought well an anchor thought is
something that’s going to anchor you so
that you don’t escalate any situation
into a full-blown panic attack or into a
situation where you screw things up it’s
a way for you to anchor yourself so you
maintain control over what you’re
thinking and how you behave so here’s an
example with flying it’s important when
you’re creating an anchor thought to
pick something that is in the proper
context of what you’re afraid to do so
for flying pick an anchor thought that
has to do with the trip that you’re
taking so if I’m boarding a plane to fly
back home to Michigan an anchor thought
might be a picture in my mind of my mom
and I walking on the shores of Lake
Michigan where I grew up that’s a
thought that makes me happy it makes me
excited and it’s also related to the
trip that I’m taking if you have a
conversation that you need to have with
your boss pick an anchor thought about
how you feel after having that
conversation maybe it’s you picking up
the phone and calling somebody that you
you love and saying oh my gosh it went
so well or you know you walking out of
the meeting and feeling like yeah I
survived that conversation I feel pretty
good about myself so now that you have
your anchor thought you’re ready to beat
the fear rule number 18 choose what you
love to do if you took money off the
table if you didn’t give what anybody
else thought what’s the thing you would
love to be doing with your life
seriously do you dream of being a
professional photographer do you want to
open your own restaurant
you always thought about traveling the
world and entertaining kids with your
juggling skills I don’t know it’s your
life
you get to choose what you want to do
be honest with yourself what is it that
you would want to do with your life
if you didn’t have to pay the bills
doing it another thing you can ask
yourself who do you find yourself sort
of envious of you know like you look at
their life and you just think gosh how
awesome that they get to do that well
once you have that answer for yourself
you’ve gotten really honest you push the
aside and you’ve really asked
it for yourself and answered the
question honestly all you got to do is
explore it that’s it just find one thing
that you can do to enrich and expand
your knowledge about it find one course
online Google the topic stalk people
that are pursuing this line of work
that’s how you start to do it one step
of time so start with answering the
question what do you really want with a
massive dose of honesty google the topic
and find one thing that you can do just
one push yourself and start to explore
it if you were to wake up and do that
every single day spend ten minutes a day
you would be startled astonished by what
your life looks like in a matter of a
year or two rule number 19 break the
habit of hesitation what is the biggest
obstacle that we face Thiago it’s simple
it’s self-doubt it’s not fear it’s
lack of money it’s not lack of
supporters it’s the fact that deep down
inside
we’ll doubt yourself at critical moments
and here’s the problem with self-doubt
self-doubt doesn’t have to stop you the
problem with self-doubt is that the
second that you feel a little doubtful
the second that you start to question
yourself you physically hesitate
that hesitation has become a habit that
stops you because the moment you
hesitate it wakes up your brain your
brain starts thinking and then you hold
yourself back you guys now I talked
about the five-second rule incessantly
it’s the title of the new book that I’m
writing that’s coming out in 2017 the
five-second rule is a tool that battles
self-doubt because in those moments
those those tiny micro moments when
you’re faced with should I do this or
should I not should I speak in a meeting
should I hold back my ideas should I
have this tough conversation or should I
wait till later
the second you doubt the option of
moving forward
yesterday
then you think the
that’s how it happens every single time
that’s how you sabotage your success
of hesitating the moment that you humor
is killing your dreams
the single biggest obstacle in life data
is the doubt that you feel and the
single biggest mistake that you’re
making is that you hesitate when you
feel it if you start to use the
five-second rule in those moments to
just physically move through word within
five seconds feeling mad now
rule number 20 help others volunteer hi
house care to you right now about of 12
or 15 or third on a scale of 10
yes said you’re perfect
so I have an envelope you can either
open this up and read what it says
but you have to do it how afraid are you
for her or you can give it to somebody
else now what are you managing right now
my heart rate is just like out there
what do you want to do life’s about
change so I’ll open it okay give her
standing ovations she deserves it so
again same rules open it up read it to
the audience and then do it it says how
scared are you I’m a little nervous
because I’m not sure what you’re gonna
want me to do I’m shy really that’s
baloney
tell everyone in the audience the most
embarrassing thing that’s ever happened
how scared are you less children
speaking at the next conference you
watch yes I will that’s just paying for
your registration and three night hotel
[Music]
it’s overwhelming joy does the peace I
think that can come with really choosing
to change rule number 21 make decisions
that energize you I believe that passion
is another word for energy that’s it
what do you have energy for what
energizes you and that we naturally have
a tremendous amount of body wisdom about
that and that every one of us has an
internal fuel tank that is either empty
or full and if you’re empty you feel
depleted if you’re full you feel
energized and so if you simply are in
any situation I mean any situation and
you pay attention within 5 seconds –
does this person energize me do they
deplete me where are they in the scale
you just gain some tremendous wisdom and
you the simple way to start to figure
out who you are and what you want is
start aligning yourself with more things
that energize you
so situationally if you’re lying in bed
and the snooze alarm goes or the alarm
goes off and you feel depleted and you
start reaching for the snooze button
that’s a really big sign that you need
to get out of bed now being depleted
versus energized has nothing to do with
whether or not things are hard or easy
it has to do with what naturally
actually either expands you or shrinks
you and so if you look at your client
list and measure it depleted versus
energized what shrinks versus expands me
you have the actual map and when you
start to find the courage to make
decisions that energize you and that
expand you whether they’re scariest or
not that’s when everything changes and
so that’s how I actually make business
decisions is this I don’t even like the
money conversation comes second it’s
does this
deplete or energize me and if it
depletes me how do you move it in that
direction or how do I stay sane oh if it
energizes me how do I do more because if
you are energized or expanded by
something you will do it for no money
you will do it happily and you will
suddenly wake up and say oh my gosh like
my heart I’m pursuing my passion how did
that happen
rule number 22 stop waiting for
permission a lot of you feel stuck
because you’re waiting for some kind of
external force to either push you and
pressure you to change and to be great
and to be amazing or you’re waiting for
somebody to give you permission you’re
either sitting back because you need
some sort of external motivation from
somebody that’s gonna push you or praise
you or pressure you in order to change
or some life circumstance like maybe in
your past you’ve experienced trauma or
you face something really scary and that
was the thing that made you change and
then the second thing that people wait
around for is permission
look those may or may not come in your
life if you are somebody that is sitting
around waiting for some external force
to come and do the work for you
that is such a losing bet it’s
unbelievable maybe you’ll get lucky
maybe somebody will come but more than
likely no one is coming
the only kind of force that will truly
create change in your life is you the
internal kind of force I hate to say it
but for those of you that feel really
really stuck and you keep thinking that
somebody’s got to pick me or somebody’s
gonna discover me or somebody’s got to
give me permission to write this book
it’s it’s ridiculous
and what you have to figure out if
you’re stuck is are you the kind of
person that is guilty of needing wanting
and waiting for external forces people
an event some outside force to kick you
in the ass they’ll finally do the stuff
that you’ve been dreaming about doing I
want to tell you something no one’s
coming no one the people in life that
get what they want are the ones that
aren’t waiting for an external force to
validate their dreams to inspire them to
give them permission it’s the people
that realize that success but happiness
that control it comes from the internal
force and what is the internal force
it’s you it’s you it’s you being able to
realize that no one’s gonna do the work
for you it’s you realizing that you’re
never gonna feel ready
in fact even as you start working toward
the things that you really want to do
you’re definitely not gonna feel ready
and you’re gonna feel outside your
comfort zone and that’s normal when you
start to feel like you’re stretching
yourself and you’re sticking your
scrawny neck out there and you’re taking
some risks that’s amazing
cuz you’re growing rule number 23 just
start take your rights and trying to
become a fashion and beauty blogger and
mert and earn money from it full time
but I have some kind of mental block and
procrastination problem this is
something that we see over and over and
over again and it’s this idea that you
don’t ever start you stay trapped in
your head and if you feel paralyzed if
you’ve been spinning the same ideas over
and over and over again then you know
what I’m talking about
you see many of you are thinking way too
big you’re attaching way too much
pressure on the things that you’re
interested in until you start blogging
about fashion you won’t even know if you
like it so thinking that you have a
dream about doing it and thinking that
you have this grand plan that you’re
going to do it full-time
it is a complete
and utter waste of your time to be
dreaming that big and let me tell you
why because oftentimes if you’re the
kind of person like Vickie that’s
getting trapped up here the bigness of
what you’re thinking about is what’s
stopping you what I want you to do if
you’re in Vickie’s situation is I want
you to stop dreaming and I want you to
just start doing small things I want you
to go back to curiosity and less into
crushing your big goals you think about
life and business and success is that
you have to be willing to start and for
people that procrastinate starting is
the hardest part for people that worry
for people that think too big starting
is the hardest part folks that study
procrastination talk about the fact that
the only way to beat procrastination is
to create what they call a starting
ritual which is a way to push yourself
to get started because all the research
shows that if we can push you to get
started on something you’ll likely keep
going rule number 24
follow your heart I’m the kind of person
that believes you should always make
decisions with your heart and soul you
can use your brain for math you can use
your brain to look at the fine print in
a contract but when it comes to the
actual feel of the decision you always
want to go inward and check it against
your heart and soul how do you do that
here’s the simple test does the decision
that you’re about to make expand you
expand your future or expand the
possibilities of your life if the answer
is yes then the decision is yes no
matter how terrifying it is if you
conversely look at the choice that you
have to make and the decision will
shrink you will silence you will inhibit
you in some way then the answer is no no
matter how easy the decision is no
matter how safe the decision is the
answer is no now one of the things I
want to point out that when you start to
use this does it expand or does it
shrink me does it open possibilities or
does it keep things closed does it raise
my voice or does it silence me right is
that there’s always a short term and
long-term impact to the decision the
short-term impact to making an expansive
decision a decision that’s based in your
heart in your soul
sometimes it’s terrifying because
sometimes it means moving or it means
changing a job or changing a
relationship or having a difficult
conversation or starting something new
and those sorts of things are always
uncomfortable
so brace for impact put the force fields
up but make the decision anyway because
the long-term impact of making a
decision from your heart and soul that
is where the best life comes from
because you’re living for what’s true
for you not what’s safe in the moment
rule number 25 control your thoughts we
spend a lot of time talking about
mindset from the standpoint of think
positive so positive things happen and I
do believe in having a positive mindset
obviously I think that the actions that
you take are way more important in terms
of developing that mindset but we don’t
spend enough time on what you were just
talking about which is understanding how
the automatic nature of worrying about
stuff all day long how that is making
you less money how it is making you less
happy how it is disconnecting you from
your spouse how it is keeping you
unhealthy and how it is a habit that
robs you of joy and opportunity and
power and it is one of the easiest
habits to break number one your life
happens in five-second windows number
two in five seconds you can control what
you think you can decide what you’re
going to do and you can change
absolutely anything which changes
absolutely everything and so the
five-second rule is a mind trick that’s
all that it is a fancy way to call it as
a you know it’s a form of metacognition
but it’s basically a hack it’s a cheat
code okay and
the way that it works and this is the
challenge with getting it out there is
that it sounds so profoundly stupid like
a gimmick that it took a while for
people to actually take it seriously
I get that and to really stack up the
science to make you know anybody that
interacts with it go holy like this
actually works yeah so here’s what it is
basically the moment you catch yourself
hesitating or doubting or starting to
worry or about to chicken out or shrink
or shut up or whatever it is that you’re
about to do that is shrinking your power
you just go 5 4 3 2 1 you count
backwards 5 4 3 2 1 what happens when
you do that don’t do it out loud because
it’ll scare somebody
it’s like going although you know I say
it’s it’s so simple that people live
skit in the making I would love that
because that means I’ve really made it
true your kids will use it on you so my
kids will use it on me so if I have a
certain tone that comes out I’ll hear my
child go 5 4 3 watch that tone mom you
know just alright mom 5 4 3 2 and I
thought you’re gonna go to the gym yes
so by counting backwards the the kind of
cheat code that you’re doing in your
mind is you are interrupting what are
called habit loops that get encoded in
the central part of your brain and you
are starting up the prefrontal cortex
it’s a little trick that causes focus
and it’s it’s a lot like having a mantra
because you’re shifting gears but the
thing about having a mantra is and I
suppose that as you count backwards more
and more and more you become used to it
but it becomes a habit that triggers
action so what you do is go 5 4 3 2 1
cut off this part of the brain awaken
this part of the brain and then move and
what happens with the counting backwards
is there’s nowhere to go after one and
your mind is socialized in a countdown
situation too
and so counting up won’t work because
you can keep it forever and you do it in
many aspects of your life so it’s
actually not something that requires any
focus rule number 26 push yourself
through the fear and I think everybody
has fear all wrong people have so many
theories about fear they talk about oh
I’m afraid of success no I’m afraid of
failure
I’m afraid of intimacy I’m afraid of
heights I’m afraid of this I’m afraid of
that I’m afraid of the other thing
there’s actually only two fears only two
and if you’re in sales which you are or
even if you’re not life is about
persuading people life is about
influencing people and fear is the
invisible force that will make you
ineffective at that it will stop you now
I love JK Rollins as an example I mean
we all know the Harry Potter series but
what a lot of people don’t know about
her she talks a lot about fear she
struggled with major depression do you
know she was unemployed and she wrote
the original idea for Harry Potter on a
napkin while she was on state benefits
she was then rejected by 12 publishing
houses and this by the way was after she
was divorced bankrupt and a single mom
of a kid pushed herself pushed herself
pushed herself she talks a lot about
fear and about failure well you know we
know the moral of the story she just
kept going of course she was afraid but
she had the good kind of fear not the
bad kind of fear rule number 27 start
your day right here’s what I do
specifically to help myself
stay focused first things first when I
wake up in the morning I do not sleep
next to my phone the reason why I don’t
sleep next to my phone is because if you
sleep next to it or use it as your alarm
your tendency is to look at it while
you’re in bed that means that you’re
checking email before you’ve even
thought about what your priorities are
do not do that that’s tip number one tip
number two I have a pad of post-it notes
yes post-it notes next to my sink in my
bathroom
because after I brush my teeth haven’t
looked at my phone yet I take a post-it
note out and I write the three things I
need to focus on today and then you know
what I do with it I stick it on the back
of my phone now why would I do that
because I have my phone with me all the
time and so if it’s on the back of my
phone I’m gonna get a visual cue to
remind me exhibit top of mine so I stay
focused on it third thing that I do it’s
a little trick I call 30 before 7:30
what that means I spend 30 minutes
before 7:30 a.m. just focused on getting
my day organized and getting a few of
the things that are my top priorities
either finished or further down the
field
so that’s 30 minutes before 7:30 a.m.
that’s time for me
if you utilize those three things don’t
sleep with your phone
right after you brush your teeth right
out your three priorities and stick it
on the back of your phone just like this
and spend 30 minutes before 7:30 for
yourself I promise you you’ll be shocked
and how much more focused you are and
you feel rule number 28 make a change
what’s fascinates me about human beings
and it fascinates me about myself is
that we have such a high tolerance for
suckiness isn’t that crazy
as long as the suckiness as a routine
but the second you get thrown out of
your routine or the second that whether
it’s because you lose a job or somebody
moves or somebody dies or somebody
breaks up with you or you break like all
of a sudden that awakens the courage in
you to make a change because you you
know either you have no choice or now
you got a problem to solve but fighting
that inertia of life is the most
difficult thing in the world I ended up
getting a job with a law firm because it
was the path of least resistance in
Boston in Boston I hated it because I
went from being in the courtroom to
writing briefs all day and luckily I got
pregnant with our first daughter who
just is starting college which makes me
feel so ancient I just want to like
punch myself in the face if I have a 18
year old freshman in college um thank
you but I got pregnant with her and when
she was born I had horrific postpartum
depression Wow
I mean the really scary kind where you
can’t be alone with the baby you’re on
crazy meds that turn you at not the kind
you take recreationally these are the
kind that like turn you into a zombie
and it was a really scary thing and I I
when I kind of came out of the
eight-week trance of that I looked up at
Chris and said I’ve made a decision
and he said okay what would that be and
I said I don’t ever want to answer the
question what do you do for a living
with the response I’m a lawyer and he
said
okay you realize we’ve just bought this
house and we have a kid and we have
mortgage to pay and he said so here’s
the deal you’ve got exactly four weeks
before your maternity leave is over
you need to make $60,000 I don’t care
what you do for a living that’s your
problem go solve it and the night before
I was supposed to write so I networked
like a crazy person cuz again if you’re
a human being with a problem you’ll
solve it yeah and so if it matters
enough to you and so I got a job and
this was the first convo in Boston I got
a job the night before I was supposed to
go back rule number 29 be more selfish
you have to be a little selfish in life
yeah nobody’s gonna ride in and create
your nonprofit for you nobody else is
gonna show your children what it looks
like to be somebody that makes things
happen nobody else is gonna show your
children what it looks like to be a
woman that goes out into the world and
follows her dreams that is one of the
most important things that you can do as
a mother as far as I’m concerned whether
you work whether you volunteer that you
have things that you’re passionate about
and that you have the self-love and the
discipline to actually go after them
that is what your children need to see
for me they got the love the thing
yes yes yes you are selfish and that
you’re getting your MBA you’re helping
your family run a company you have this
vision to do a non-profit and you’re
gonna do it you’re selfish and I love
that about every person every woman in
particular should be more selfish period
rule number 30 hustle I just got done
with a 10-day trip where we did nine
different events let me take you on the
road with me for ten weeks let me or ten
days and let me show you what’s actually
involved with that it’s the work that
isn’t fun that nobody sees and nobody
wants to do that will make your dreams
come true is very collapse
[Music]
once I have a cup of coffee I’ll feel a
lot better
I literally legit have I don’t even know
what time it is I think I’m on stage in
an hour there are no shortcuts to
success and guess what once you get
successful there’s gonna be a lot of
sucky things that you have to do as
you’re successful
[Music]
I want to go to Yei lumbus on a red-eye
funny little stretch this is day 9 of a
10-day trip this is City seven of eight
cities and grandma here is about to get
on a plane and sleep in a chair I’m
delirious she was a Tucker but never
bitch about getting to live your dreams
never feels like you think it’s going to
and you get everything you’ve ever
wanted and I’ll tell you it feels a lot
more rewarding and a lot more exhausting
than I ever thought it would rule number
31 take action too many of you are
sitting around waiting to feel ready you
can still move forward when you’re not
ready too many of you are waiting to
feel like you deserve to make six
figures it’s about the action your mind
your history your past you will always
have a million excuses not to do it not
to feel like it not to believe in
yourself they’re all the only thing that
matters in your life and your business
is the actions that you’re taking and
then more consistently that you take
action the faster you will start to
believe in yourself because you will see
proof that you are not the kind of
person that sits around and feels
unworthy that you’re not a victim that
sits by and get sucked into other
people’s stuff
that you’re not that kind of person so
it won’t make sense to believe it
anymore but it starts with action I
believe in all of you and I believe in
your ability to get it done but it’s
going to be up to you who is the problem
yeah who’s the solution that’s right
don’t need to feel like that it’s the
biggest mistake you could possibly make
it remember that you’re smart remember
that you know what to do and just get it
done
rule number thirty-two share your ideas
with the world I’ve been in the media
business for ten years when I tell you
that things have changed 1000% let me
just give you an example my first media
deal I was signed by ABC that’s right
ABC the big dog crazy syndicated shows I
was signed by them to do a talk-show
deal now do you know what that meant
there was some executive that was
looking out over the sea of talent they
were meeting with agents they were
picking people they were doubting you
and then guess what if they did pick you
they owned everything they told you what
to do Oprah Sun anomaly the game was
gatekeepers a few media players a sea of
competition total scarcity now what is
it today holy it’s unbelievable if you
have an iPhone you can have a show if
you have an idea and you’re willing to
put it out there and you’re willing to
start sharing yourself on social media
you have a syndication platform there is
no one doubting you except for you
and that’s why I’m sitting here
imploring you I’m telling you right now
if you have a business if you have
aspirations if you have a dream the
single biggest opportunity in front of
you is to put it out on social media to
start talking about the things that
interest you to start sharing your ideas
sharing and documenting what you’re up
to I guarantee you you start doing that
and you’re gonna start amassing an
audience that you had no idea was out
there dying to connect with you to learn
from you and to grow with you rule
number 33 get feedback I gave a speech
yesterday in Dallas after the speech it
was a big audience of people in
financial services a guy dressed to the
nines and like one of these super slick
suits comes up to me he says hey Mel you
know really love the five-second rule do
you mind if I give you some feedback
feedback
don’t you hate getting feedback and then
when people actually preface it by
saying can I give you some feedback I
don’t know about you but literally my
butt’s like it just cannot and it I
immediately go on edge but here’s the
thing about feedback you have to take it
you have to take it it is critical
critical critical critical so I want to
tell you number one what the guy said to
me my reaction and then I want to give
you my philosophy about feedback because
what the guy said to me was so valuable
and it was also really hard for me to
hear here I am after the speech were
surrounded by a big group of people he
walks up to me and says when it’s his
turn in the line can I give you some
feedback
I immediately tense up and this is what
he says well I love the concept of the
five-second rule
supercool idea can’t wait to try it ok
now comes the punch in the gut he said
you called it stupid so many times
during the speech it was off-putting
doesn’t that sound terrible that word
and he said I could tell that you were
doing it on purpose he’s right
in fact you called it stupid so many
times and yet you have these insanely
powerful examples of how people are
using it you came off as defensive when
he said this to me I’m literally you
know how you feel like you’re shrinking
in life or you’re like standing and your
full size and then all of a sudden
somebody says something you’re like I
just want to disappear right now and the
reason why I was such a zinger is he was
right he was absolutely right
you see I do call the five-second rule
stupid because I’m in front of so many
analytical audiences I’m in front of
skeptics all the time and so I use it as
a pre-emptive way to disappear the
biggest push back on the five-second
rule which is on its face it sounds so
stupid and so simple there’s no way it
could be so powerful the problem is I’ve
gotten lazy and I say it too much he’s a
hundred percent right and by hearing
that feedback I can make a really simple
tweak to my speech I can call it stupid
once or twice in the very beginning and
then I can transition to calling it
something that’s very simple and
powerful now that’s gonna help me reach
more people with the five-second rule
and here’s what I want to say about
feedback feedback is intense to receive
it
is because you are exposing yourself to
critical opinions it will make you feel
very vulnerable the way that I handle
feedback and process it I’m very clear
about the things that I will receive
feedback on and I’m very clear about the
things that I will not receive feedback
on and the reason why is if you don’t
listen to any feedback at all guys
you’re never gonna improve you’re not
gonna ever do anything new so no
feedback means nothing new if you listen
to everything that everybody says in
terms of feedback if you allow everybody
to weigh in on everything it’s gonna
become so paralyzing that you will do
nothing new so the key with feedback is
knowing yourself and knowing what you
actually accept feedback on and knowing
what you don’t accept feedback on rule
number 34 used the progress principle my
life changed a couple years ago when I
discovered something called the progress
principle it is a principle that was
written about in the Harvard Business
Review it’s based on a tremendous amount
of research done by a professor over
there and what she determined is that
people that feel happy and successful
and fulfilled by their lives and work
they all have one thing in common they
feel as though they’re making progress
on something that matters
so I read this little bit of research
and I started applying it to my life and
what I do as as stupid as it sounds it
really works I don’t focus on balancing
everything I focus on just making sure
that I make progress on one thing a day
that’s right you heard me one thing a
day that matters to me now if I can make
progress on one thing a day that matters
to me then I can let go and let the rest
of my day get hijacked by kids by spouse
by phone calls by emails by social media
by all kinds of things that come up and
tend to hijack your day when you’re a
busy person when you have a family when
you’re married when you got a lot going
on and so by focusing on one thing a day
I feel the sense of control in the sense
of progress that science tells us will
make you happy
and make you feel more confident and
actually make you more effective at
getting things done it also frees me up
to be more present with my kids
rule number 35 be authentic so many of
us have this perfectionism gene and the
reason why we’re perfectionists is we’re
trying to insulate ourselves from
criticism that if you get it perfect no
one will give you feedback if you get it
right
nobody’s going to criticize you if you
do it perfect then no one will be able
to attack you and the problem with that
and that’s just another side of the same
coin which is the fear of disappointing
people you’re managing not disappointing
people not by lying and not by being
codependent but by actually trying to be
a perfectionist so that nobody
criticizes you so let me tell you a
story about the fear of disappointing
people in my own life because this is
the biggest trigger in my life I mean it
goes back to being in fourth grade right
it’s there and this is another thing I
have to remind myself of this everybody
every single day you cannot remove the
things that trigger you you can’t if
you’ve been doing a pattern since fourth
grade there will be things for the rest
of your life that will trigger that
pattern to come up but you can always
choose not to repeat the pattern so
you’ll be triggered and be afraid that
you’re gonna disappoint somebody that’s
real that’s normal it’s natural it’s
part of being a human being
I think it’s interwove and into every
relationship where you love somebody but
you don’t have to behave the way that
you always behaved when you’re nervous
about disappointing somebody so let me
give you a dumb story you ready when my
husband and I got married my father gave
us this really incredible gift he gave
us an antique pool table I grew up in
Muskegon Michigan where Brunswick was
founded and my dad has a hobby of going
to garage sales and estate sales and
buying old dilapidated pool tables and
then he restores them so when Kris and I
got married he bought us an old
dilapidated pool table from the same era
as our house which is the 1870s he
restored the whole thing and then
recently he and I rented a u-haul and we
drove this sucker from Muskegon Michigan
to Boston Massachusetts my dad nights
around trip get there and we assemble
the pool table in what used to be our
play room fast forward three or four
years the speaking business takes off my
business starts to grow we have people
that work for us and my kids are older
we don’t need a playroom
we need an office the pool table is in
the middle of this thing for the first
two years of having the office we kept
the pool table there
why because I didn’t want my dad to be
disappointed because I loved him now he
visits our house twice a year for two or
three days with my mom and I kept this
thing occupying a third of our office
for two years and then I realized I’m
being ridiculous
I’m being absolutely ridiculous now
here’s the thing will he be disappointed
if I take the pool table down absolutely
definitely they’re always going to be
things that you do decisions that you
have to make in your life in your
business for your family that will
disappoint other people it’s unavoidable
but the fact that he’s going to be
disappointed should never be the reason
that I don’t do something that is
aligned with my values now let’s take it
a step further when you make a decision
that is likely going to disappoint
people or that does still make the
decision because it’s your life there’s
nothing worse than when you start to rob
your future and your life and your
happiness because you’re so focused on
other people however if you love people
you can still take care of them when you
make that decision so let me go back to
the example of the pool table so I knew
I was gonna take it down I knew my
father was gonna be disappointed I was
disappointed I don’t have a big house so
I don’t eat you know I don’t have the
room for a huge pool table I don’t have
a finished basement like a lot of people
I don’t have like a cool garage game
room thing like I just don’t happen I
called him first and said I need to talk
to you about something you know the pool
table I love the pool table dad my
business is growing so much I actually
need an office and all great will be
great in the office and I’m like wow
yeah would accept I have you know
through four people showing up but we
got to put some desks in there for now
even with that white you could put a
piece of plywood and they could work on
the pool table and then they could do
the thing and then the thing and now my
heart is racing because I don’t want to
disappoint my dad and now he’s fighting
for the and I had to just say for me Dad
here’s what’s gonna happen
I’m gonna hire professional movers in
the pool table business to disassemble
this with love and care we were gonna
store it beautifully when I either get a
full-time office off-site or I build a
barn or I build a different house this
will have its own beautiful room
dedicated to you so we had this
beautiful conversation now was he
disappointed
absolutely when they come to the house
and visit which they just did and they
walk into the office do I feel a pang
you better believe I do
it doesn’t matter that’s all normal I
still need to make the decisions that I
need to make and the difference what’s
changed is how I relate to that fear so
instead of what I would do in the past
is I would make a decision that doesn’t
serve me I’d leave the pool table and
then I’d be all about it I’d leave the
pool table as a way to make my dad happy
but it makes me miserable to leave it
there because I need the space right and
then I’d be kind of annoyed and then
he’d come and I’d fake play pool because
I kind of want to run you know you know
what I’m saying like we do all this but
that’s not real and what I’ve been able
to do for myself in some instances when
I sketch it is to hit it head-on and to
be authentic and to still take care of
people and what I’ve also come to learn
is that people can be disappointed in
you and they still love you you know
you’re never gonna get around this
everybody in your family is gonna be
disappointed with you probably wants a
deck probably and you have the ability
to retrain how you respond to that
trigger that rises up in you where you
start to fear that you’re disappointing
somebody and the answer really is make
the decision that’s aligned with your
values and the thing that supports you
and then take care of the person by
being honest and straightforward about
it dealing with their disappointment
head-on
because that’s really the adult thing to
do and that’s what you do when you love
somebody the way we’ve all been handling
it myself
included is manipulation lying
resentment withholding and that doesn’t
serve anybody
rule number 36 deal with procrastination
I’m about to change your life because
this piece of research changed my
procrastination has nothing to do with
work the people that write to us the
most that struggle with procrastinating
PhD students engineers entrepreneurs
people that have a lot on their plate
that have a lot of things that they need
to juggle and that are analytical and
thinkers by nature procrastination is a
form of stress relief
bingo and it makes you have fat doesn’t
it yeah how many of you can relate to
that
she said that what’s stressing her out
is she wants to retire she hasn’t saved
up enough money what’s really stressing
you out is finances and money and the
fear that you have but what happens when
you struggle with procrastinating and
thank you for being so honest there’s it
stresses you out maybe you feel the same
way and we felt that way I know exactly
what you’re talking about you carry
around this dark cloud because you don’t
think you’re gonna make it you’re
stressed about money all the time or
maybe your mom’s health is declining and
it really stresses you out or maybe your
best friends are going through a divorce
or you’re going through a divorce and
that really stresses you out and so you
walk around with this big-ass thing on
your shoulders all the time and then you
walk into work and you sit down and
you’ve got a list of phone calls to make
which requires your prefrontal cortex
and your prefrontal cortex looks at the
list and it’s like oh my god you want me
to make 15 phone calls I’ve been worried
about the money all day can we just look
at cat videos I need a break and next
thing you know two hours is gone you’ve
been online shopping even looking at cat
videos and then of course you look at
the 15 phone calls you’re like I didn’t
make him I didn’t make him I didn’t make
the research on procrastination is
undeniable it’s black and white number
one all of you that procrastinate
procrastination is not the issue it’s
stress you’re procrastinating to give
yourself a little break at work it’s
sort of like taking a smoking break
almost you know you’re just taking a
break so number one because you’re all
stressed out and procrastinators are
very hard on yourselves this is gonna
sound super stupid but you got to
forgive yourself you have got to
actually have a talk with yourself where
were you feel yourself starting
procrastinate you go look you know I
really screwed up I know I’m in a mess
financially I forgive myself I’m just
gonna do the best that I can you have to
address the thing that’s underneath it
so that’s self-awareness of knowing oh
my god here’s that stress again about
finances screwing me over and preventing
me from doing the small things that will
actually fix my finances second thing
that you’re gonna do procrastination is
a habit right you get triggered by
stress the habit is to procrastinate so
when you get triggered by
stress your new habit is oh there’s my
stress again I’m gonna actually tell
myself okay you’ve done the best you can
it’s okay we’re gonna do a little bit
today you’re gonna create what we call
starting ritual a starting ritual is
something that pushes you to start the
best one on the planet the five-second
rule so you’ve said okay there’s my
stress again I forget myself now we’re
gonna five four three two one I want you
to only work for five minutes that’s it
five minutes make phone calls for five
minutes here’s what we know based on the
research 80% of you will keep going
the trick is starting you see I want to
break the connection between the trigger
which is stress and the response which
is procrastination and whenever you feel
stressed which is normal you have a
choice here’s that gap in five seconds
flat
the habit of procrastinating and beating
yourself up will take over or you can
close the gap five four three two one
and you can make a different choice I’m
just gonna get started I’m just gonna be
okay with where I’m at and I’m just
gonna get started got it
good rule number 37 don’t stay stuck I
want to address my comments to those of
you that have learned the five-second
rule you’ve tried the countdown five
four three two one
and it’s not working I gotta level with
you the five-second rule always works
it’s backed by science and hit has
helped change the lives of millions of
people the problem is not the rule the
problem is you actually don’t want to
change I’m dead serious I want I want
you to just stop and think about that
for a minute for people who try to count
down but then don’t actually push
themselves forward for those of you that
that are struggling with self-doubt
struggling to get up on time struggling
to make the calls to grow your business
struggling to stay motivated you know
about the five-second rule but you don’t
use it there’s a simple reason why
you’re not using it you don’t want to
change look change is hard I get it if
you’re gonna change anything about your
life you’re gonna have to face the
unknown you’re gonna have to step out of
your comfort zone you’re gonna have to
try something new you’re gonna have to
risk rejection and judgement it’s scary
I get it
that’s why most people never change so
if you’re like Leanne
and you’ve got all the tools at your
disposal but you still are stuck the
reason why you’re stuck is you don’t
want to change yet so stop complaining
about the tools and go inward and
actually examine what are you afraid of
seriously what do you get out of staying
stuck what do you get from staying heavy
what do you get from not making the
money that you want what do you get from
dating a string of losers
you get safety I don’t know you you get
the ability to complain are you the one
that’s constantly dominating all your
friendships cuz you’re constantly great
thing about how bad your life is I don’t
know what you’re getting out of it but
you’re getting something the moment you
decide that you’re sick and tired of it
the moment that you decide that you are
so ready to change the five-second rule
this puppy right here the five four
three two one it’ll be there and it’ll
work and look when you start deciding
that it’s time to change you may have to
use five four three two one five
thousand times a day for weeks on end
because you’re pushing through
self-doubt and you’re pushing through
procrastination and you’re pushing
through resignation and you’re pushing
through fear over and over and over and
over and over and over and over again
and then what’s going to happen and I
see this happening around the world I
know that it works we have proof that it
works if you use five four three two one
and you push through everything that’s
stopping you right now because you this
is your year this is the moment that
you’re gonna change at some point
something’s going to click and the
momentum is gonna kick in and suddenly
change isn’t gonna be scary change is
gonna be what’s happening rule number 38
don’t waste your life worrying worrying
about things that could go wrong and
staying in that space undermines my
ability to solve it to be present and it
robs me of my full thinking capacity if
you catch yourself
whirring it means you have a habit and
it will very much lead to anxiety there
is a direct correlation between your
habit of worrying and then that becoming
anxiety so worry is a baby anxiety is
the big sister because anxiety just
means then the bad thoughts are now
manifesting as physical symptoms in your
body your stomach hurts your throat is
tight your sweating your heart races and
a panic attack because when your mind
gets concerned because your body state
is agitated so it takes over and gets
you out of whatever situation you it and
so you want to go to war against your
habit of worrying use your worries as a
squit signal that there’s something to
fix or pay attention to but do not under
any circumstances allow yourself to
become the kind of person that wastes
your precious life time sitting there
spinning cycles it’s like washing the
same load of laundry over and over and
over again it’s a total waste of time
and it will erode your happiness and it
will make you ineffective at getting the
things that you want your life rule
number 39 great the negative pattern I
know that everybody’s problem comes down
to one pattern you’re repeating that you
can’t see and that pattern is getting
triggered by something that happened in
your past that left you with this
emotional scar and so for me the thing
that I always always always have to deal
with in myself is the fear of
disappointing somebody so if I’m in a
situation where I start to feel that
it’s an old trigger and so when you
finally have a word that describes in a
visceral way this thing you hate about
yourself or this thing that triggers you
or whatever it may be
that’s where the power comes because now
you can name the thing that was once
controlling you and so if you can
identify first of all the pattern you
keep repeating that makes you miserable
or doesn’t serve you or makes you lose
your power or has you go numb then you
can start to go back and say well where
did I where did I first start doing this
and what was the experience that
triggered it because that’s the root of
the problem right there
when you expose all of that the trigger
and the emotional button like my I’m
afraid of disappointing people I’m
afraid of disappointing people I’m not
worthy I’m not worthy
you know I’m pissed off that I that this
is happening to me now you have the
ability to change it forever rule number
40 have a good evening routine my night
routine is very simple completed the day
and leave no tasks that I have to finish
in the morning it’s that good that’s it
and so it’s not necessarily that I have
a specific order but there are
particular things that I do number one
totally set the kids
so that means pack their lunches it
means get the backpacks ready it’s
school season and get them by the door
it means if there’s any forms that need
to be filled out but printed or anything
else that they are printed they are
ready to go so kids are handled same
thing I love the kitchen clean I don’t
ever want to wake up in the morning and
walk in there and see crap that I have
to do I don’t want dishes in the sink I
don’t want things on the counter and so
I make sure that the kitchen is clean
that the counters are cleared off and
that there is no nothing I need to do in
the kitchen because it will distract me
in the morning I would feel the guilt I
don’t feel obligated to get that done
third thing that I do is I kind of set
out the stuff for breakfast and the
reason why I do that is because my kids
will wake up at various times and so if
I’ve got that thing set up I’ve just
bought myself a couple more minutes of
quiet in the morning before the parade
of children come running down the stairs
starving and wanting breakfast the other
thing that I do is I go to my computer
and I print out the day calendar for the
day ahead and then I take that printout
then I take my notebook that has all of
my travel and kind of every
thing that’s laid out for the business
that I run and my speaking schedule and
stuff related to the kids and I move it
all to the kitchen now why mailings I’m
doing this so that when I leave my
bedroom in the morning and I walk into
the kitchen to have 30 minutes of quiet
time for myself to get focused and plan
my priorities everything set it’s all
been handled there’s no thinking
involved it’s amazing then once that’s
all handled I turn off all the lights I
lock the front door when I walk into my
bedroom the very first thing that I do
I accept my alarm and then I plug my
phone in in my closet that is the single
most important aspect of my evening a
rule number 41 control how you live you
know I’m always looking for new ways to
explain the power of the five-second
rule and the power of five-second
decisions and I read something that Tim
Ferriss said that really resonated with
me and he had this one line buried in a
podcast somewhere that just jumped out
and it’s it’s it’s stuck it and what he
said is he said something about how
there’s a gap between the world and the
things that trigger you and your
response and your entire life is that
gap when you start to this is not what
he said he I kind of identified this gap
and I of course intrinsically was like
well absolutely that’s the five-second
window between instinct or stimulus and
your reaction and when you start to
understand that your whole life plays
out in this five-second gap and that
there’s a gap that’s five seconds long
between fear and courage and there’s a
gap that’s five seconds long between
self-doubt and confidence that is your
life and what’s super cool about
understanding that your whole life is
inside this gap is it’s so small
everybody that you have the ability to
control it life’s always going to throw
triggers at you and there will always be
all kinds of cool things that inspire
you your wisdom and you get to choose
what happens in that gap do you succumb
to an excuse or do you push yourself
forward
when you start to speak up in business
you’ll be shocked at how you start to
speak up and your relationships when you
start to make hard phone calls whether
it’s in a selling situation you’ll be
surprised at how you’ll start to close
the gap and have hard conversations in
your personal life and so that gap is
everywhere and it’s the same everywhere
and when you start to go to work in
controlling how you live in that gap
between stimulus or idea and your
response that’s where the magic is rule
number 42 get rid of your phone so other
than the five-second rule
there is one habit that I have adopted
in the last three years that has
fundamentally changed me as a business
person and it has also changed my
ability to manage my emotions so I don’t
get hijacked I do not allow my phone in
the bedroom I know the research Deloitte
just did a study based on phone use
alone and 33% of people are reading
emails in the middle of the night I know
that if you go to bed and the phone is
right next to you right so you go to bed
because you need your phone you know
somebody might need you and you sleep
you know if this is right here and it’s
not closed and the blue light is on
they’ve done studies where you have
people at a table and the researcher
will put their phone on the table not
even my phone
the researchers phone and the brain
lights up like crazy just with the
presence of a phone the research around
the phone and sleep is so stunning that
if you were to adopt one radical thing
today other than the five-second rule
try putting your phone outside your
bedroom
turn off the blue
so you don’t hear it tell people who
need to reach you to call you my kids I
had a kid in college a kid who’s you
know high school kid in middle school if
there’s an emergency call me there is
nothing happening on your phone at two
o’clock in the morning that’s important
but if you allow yourself to become a
tool of this this is supposed to be your
tool for selling your tool for
communicating and we’re all becoming the
tool here’s the other thing common sense
wise that I want you to understand you
wake up the alarm goes off what do you
do so you’re not even vertical and
you’re reading emails and what is in
these emails other people’s crap if you
don’t have boundaries with this bucket
it’s gonna impact sleep it’s gonna
affect how much money money it’s going
to connect to my self-control you have
and so whenever I put this thing outside
the bedroom and I wake up I walk over
where the phone is it’s plugged into my
bathroom I turn it off I don’t look at
it again I give myself five minutes five
minutes before I tune into the world
it’s actually tune in up here and say
what’s the one thing I’m gonna get done
today that really matters to me if
you’re the kind of person that feels
like you don’t have control over your
day make your day gets hijacked that you
can’t get to the priorities that you’re
always behind the ball
this one planning thing will change your
life no phone in the bedroom turn it off
when the alarm goes off five minutes
five lousy minutes five thousand minutes
before you tune into the rest of the
world and if you’ve got the kind of job
where you’ve got to check it
get up ten minutes earlier you have
control over this stuff and it is so
important that you take it seriously now
because you’re living at the slowest
moment of your entire life
rule number 43 focus on the customer
this is a huge mistake that people make
in marketing that so many newsletters
are me what am I thinking who did it to
fit lucky
look at me hey I’m at an event hey buy
me and whenever we sit and write the
newsletter we’re thinking about what is
the most valuable thing because somebody
has actually invited us into their inbox
and
is a critical question in marketing that
most people are not asking themselves or
spamming people and they’re doing only
it’s about them and they’re not thinking
about why does somebody subscribe to me
and when we write that newsletter that’s
why it is so incredibly successful and
why people love it we’re always thinking
about does this interest or help or
entertain the person that’s reading it
and you know anytime that it turns out
to be too much of us talking about us
somebody on the team catches it thank
God because there’s nothing more
annoying than having somebody go on and
on and on about all the cool they’re
doing versus thinking about what are
some interesting hacks and and and links
and cool things that we can introduce
people to that might improve their work
or their life rule number 44 take action
Langly writes from Nigeria I’m
passionate about film and cinema Mel I
tweet and I blog about it people are
inspired by what I write but when I’m
offered certain opportunities I clench
up and suddenly feel like an imposter
who will mess up and be found I’m 36 I’m
single in a paycheck-to-paycheck
situation and feel like I have wasted
many years due to overthinking
self-doubt and never feeling good enough
or ready how can I overcome this well
you can’t you can’t overcome the
feelings that are rising up Langley but
you can take action despite them that’s
a very important distinction that I want
each and every one of you to understand
the things that you’re feeling clenching
up feeling like you’re not good enough
feeling like you’re not ready doubting
yourself kind of spending too much time
thinking about how much time you’ve
wasted all that that’s normal that we
all do you cannot overcome those
thoughts because they keep rising up and
they’ve become a habit and it’s sort of
a pattern so I don’t want you to focus
on the thoughts I want you to focus on
taking action even though you doubt
yourself you are gonna feel like an
impostor until you push through that
clenched up moment over and over
and over again and then suddenly through
action Langley you’re gonna see that
you’re not an impostor at all you’re
actually the kind of person that pushes
through and does what he or she says
they are going to do if you want to be
successful in business if you truly want
that side hustle to turn into your
full-time thing you have to learn how to
let the feelings of doubt rise up but
take action anyway
rule number 45 cheer for everybody I had
tremendous except success in the field
isn’t my I went from zero never had been
paid for a speech to literally the most
booked woman in the world in three years
flat crazy there’s a number of reasons
why number one the contents terrific I’m
also a really good public speaker
there’s not a lot of women on the
circuit but more importantly I behave in
a way because I know that the number one
asset and business is make the people
you’re dealing with know that they
matter take care of everybody you deal
with everybody the event planners the
speaking bureaus everybody has something
that they’re worried about you
get rid of the worry you make them feel
like they’re important everybody wants
to be around you because at the end of
the day we all want to know that we
matter so if you do business with people
that make you feel good you want to do
more business with them and so it’s a
really really simple thing I called my
philosophy about human beings is just be
a fan just cheer for everybody there’s
so much success to go around people have
really difficult lives they make things
really hard for themselves make their
life easy make them feel great give them
a hug
smile complement be generous don’t be a
pain in the ass like literally it’s that
simple rule number 46 tweak your habits
I realized that I need to have a level
of focus and a level of intentionality
that I have not yet cultivated in my
life that there still that I do that I
put in the way that was fine when I was
operating and achieving at this level
but now I want to go to this level and
so what are those things getting up
earlier being a complete hawk
how I’m spending my time and attention
that in the mornings when I’m with my
family literally being hyper focused on
just them so that I’m present with them
and then confession I’ll literally work
for like 25 minutes and then the ad D
kicks in and then I’ll find myself
folding laundry for 20 minutes because I
allow myself to get distracted and see
that’s the thing about habits and the
levels of success that you get to that
when you recognize that jumping to the
next level that you want to get to is
nothing more than just tweaking your
habits a little bit that it’s really
that simple you will start to be able to
have quantum leaps and I’m realizing
that I have amazing habits but they have
gotten me to here and if I want to get
to the next level it’s gonna require a
level of focus and intentionality that I
haven’t demanded of myself before no
drinking during the week being super
super focused on the stuff that’s really
important probably hiring somebody
full-time to be a full-time assistant to
help me stay organized and focused in
terms of scheduling and weeding through
all the incoming requests I think it’s
just about that about this sort of like
maniacal focus on things that are
important like now is the time and
what’s cool is you can make it happen
any time in your life like if there’s
some jump that you want to make look I’m
an extraordinarily productive person
I’ve accomplished a tremendous amount in
the last three years but what its gonna
take for me to get to the next level and
not destroy the people around me with my
stress and be an amazing leader and be
an amazing mother and be an awesome wife
and actually be an incredible
businesswoman is a level of focus that I
have never required of myself rule
number 47 stop caring what others think
so we’ve been getting a ton of questions
about being paralyzed with the fear of
what other people think and this is so
commonplace I think every human being on
the planet is is paralyzed in some
aspect or some area of their life
because they’re concerned about what
their parents are but the friends are
with the friends on Facebook or with
their colleagues or with their upline or
their downline or whatever what their
neighbors are gonna think if you are
struggling with this and you have not
found it helpful to
attack your thinking patterns then
here’s a trick that I want you to try to
break the pattern of being paralyzed by
what other people think I want you to
pick one thing one thing that you’ve
been wanting to do that you’ve been
thinking about but you have stopped
yourself from doing because you’re
concerned about what other people think
let me give you some examples maybe
you’ve wanted to go on a wellness
retreat but you think your spouse will
roll their eyes at you
so you haven’t done it maybe you have a
particular Facebook post or a blog so
many of you want to start a business or
start creating art but you’re terrified
of putting yourself out there because of
what other people will think today we’re
gonna break that pattern what you’re
going to do is you’re gonna pick one
thing you’ve been stopping yourself from
doing and you’re going to do it you’re
going to do it and the reason why I want
you to do this is because I know that if
you’re still paralyzed you have not been
able to change your thinking patterns
yet that’s cool no problem we’re gonna
try a different tactic I want you to
change this paralysis through action
because if you sign up for that class if
you go on that retreat if you create
your art if you post that blog post if
you start that business you will be
proving to yourself through the actions
that you’re taking that you don’t care
what other people think try that today
let me know number one what you’ve
stopped yourself from doing and number
two what you’re committing to doing
today because one way to break this is
to attack the thoughts and change the
thoughts and get into action first the
other way to do it is to recognize that
you’re paralyzed pick one thing that
you’re gonna do and actually get it done
rule number 48 be mindful of how you
speak I can’t remember where who I
learned this from but I was recently
somebody else said oh you know instead
of saying sorry try saying thank you so
when you run into a meeting in your lay
oh sorry I’m late or to a call say thank
you for your patience and that one line
has changed everything for me and what
I’ve come to realize is that when I say
I’m sorry it’s all about me and I’m
making myself wrong and when I say thank
you I’m actually acknowledging the other
people around me and you can find that
you can substitute that line in almost
every instance and I was very surprised
by how often without even thinking about
it I was
sorry I was telling everybody the story
that even yesterday I was in a yoga
class and somebody fell over on the you
know and kind of hit me and I’m like oh
I’m sorry what you know I just like I
could have said are you okay instead of
I’m sorry the other thing I use so much
qualifying language when I speak and I
never knew it until I was on CNN and
then you have the horrifying experience
of having to watch yourself on video I
had no idea how often I said I think or
actually or you know like all of these
qualifiers TV yeah it takes the
precision and the force out of your
language and the way that you speak and
I had no idea how often I was being
equivocal rule number 49 have your own
definition of success we were hiking
with our kids we have two teenage kids
and we were up in the presidential range
in New Hampshire and we were having a
conversation about social media and our
daughter said something that I want
everybody to take to heart she said your
social life
today is all about what everybody else
is doing and I think the same is true
with business success too many of us
fall into the trap of defining our
business success by what other people
are doing
and so if you get just one thing from
our conversation today other than a
gigantic kick and they ask for both
Peter in me I want you to understand
that your highest value proposition is
you there is only one you you have inner
wisdom you have a unique set of
experiences you have struggles all of
that is yours and so yes look around and
what other people are doing and and and
draw inspiration from it but then pull
it back in and check it against what
your wisdom is telling you what your
definition of success is unreal number
fifty the last one before very special
bonus rule is applied the six months of
rule I’ve got a great question about
dealing with relationships friendships
where you have a close friend who’s a
real downer and they’ve got all kinds of
issues and they are draining the
you-know-what out of your energy it
happens all the time I’m gonna say a
couple things about this I have
something that I call the six-month rule
for the people in your life your friends
your family people are gonna go through
ups and downs and I think it’s super
super super important that you be there
for people that you listen to the things
that they’re struggling with that you
give advice that you help them find
resources you must must must do that
this is part of being an incredible
friend however when the issue sticks
around so long that your friendships
spirals into a situation where that
friendship is nothing more than you
listening to somebody complain and now
it’s zapping your energy now it’s time
for you to change how you’re behaving in
the friendship so this is why I call it
the six month rule for six months
absolutely listen to somebody give them
all the advice be the shoulder they cry
on let them bitch and kovitch and all
that stuff to you all day long but if
after six months your friend is still
complaining and doing nothing
and is still complaining and acting
helpless is still stuck in that rut and
refusing to take your advice it’s really
important that you draw some boundaries
and it’s important for you it’s also
important for your friend so here’s what
you’re gonna do you’re basically just
gonna say look I love you I know you’re
going through a hard time but I will no
longer listen to you complain about it
and the reason why is because it’s not
helping you and it’s really starting to
make me sad that you’re still this stuck
and you’re not taking action let’s
definitely hang out let’s spend a lot of
time together but we’re not allowed to
talk about this anymore
the second you start taking action to
fix the situation we can talk about it
again and you know that I’m here for you
but I’m not here for you so that you can
stay stuck I’m here for you so that you
now I’ve got a really special bonus rule
from Mel Robbins on how to get rid of
your fear of disappointing people but
first I would love to know what did you
guys think of this video there’s fifty
rules here is a lot of knowledge we’ve
made it all the way to the end here what
is the commitment that you’re going to
make to improve your business or your
life somehow
don’t just watch another long video I
want you to make a change and commit by
writing it in the comments below what
are you gonna change thank you guys so
much for watching I believe in you I
hope you continue to believe in yourself
and whatever your one where it is much
love I’ll see you soon and enjoy the
this is I believe the single biggest
factor for most people that robs them of
success that you use what other people
might say or think or be disappointed by
as an excuse to not fully be yourself to
not fully go after what you want the
fear of disappointment for me turned me
into a liar and I didn’t even realize it
because I was so worried about creating
a scene or upsetting people or having
people judge me that I started lying as
a strategy I invented it as a fourth
grader it didn’t work in my life it made
every relationship suck it made me
miserable but that’s what happens so
when you think about your pattern of
being afraid of disappointing people of
managing not making the scene you don’t
need to find the exact trigger when it
began if you find just one and you
understand kind of how old were you and
what did you feel and what were you
trying to manage and then for me what I
say to myself is oh well I have a lot of
empathy for myself now because I
understand why I developed that strategy
and now that I saw that it was a
strategy that worked as lying really
worked when I was little not so much
when I was an adult when I understand
was a strategy I can now say oh well
that’s a strategy that worked then now
that I’m in this chapter of my life I’m
gonna pick a different strategy the most
important if you had to think of one
word that’s most important to you or
that sums you Apple it would be like a
little beacon hey believe nation if you
want to know what the most important one
word is for Tony Robbins Gary Vaynerchuk
Oprah Winfrey will.i.am and Howard
Schultz I have a very special secret
video for you check the description for
details [Music]