every single day that we wake up we have
been gifted the opportunity of choice
you can choose to be happy or you can
choose to be sad I don’t care what your
situation is you should never allow your
situation to define who you are as a
person I know I lived out of my car for
two and a half years and you know the
story that I told them up myself in my
head every day all day long why does
this person get this why does it why’s
this always keep happening to me
why do I keep getting this girlfriend
this kind of girlfriend why does this
happen to me how come this person got
this record deal and I didn’t how come
this person why oh poor pity me
shut up Garin Jones the outside is the
physical manifestation of what goes on
inside the brain things do not just
happen no one just rear-ends your car
you don’t just become broke broke is a
mindset things don’t just happen your
pocketbook is not just below balance or
on zero you’re not just over just by
chance you’re just overweight things
don’t just happen I wasn’t just living
out of my car for two and a half years
the outside is the physical
manifestation of what goes on inside the
brain just like you can think yourself
sad or mad or broke and all these things
you can also think yourself happy
I’m telling you coming from a guy that
lived out of his car for two and a half
years I have stuff that I haven’t even
posted online day one day two day three
day four day month like month year it
came it was so bad that I was numb with
emotion numb with emotions crying myself
to sleep
myself to sleep in my Jeep how does a
guy with so much passion live in his car
for two and a half years it was all
because of me I deserved to live in my
car I deserved to be broke
I deserved not to have the opportunities
that I should have been getting and they
weren’t for me but I’ll tell you what
was for me I woke up every day with an
opportunity to choose different if you
want something different you have to do
something different into that simple you
want something different in life you
have to do something different in the
18th century there was something that
spread across Europe and eventually made
its way to America where opal fever also
known as the Black Death of childbed
basically what was happening is women
were giving birth and they would die
within 48 hours after giving birth
this black death of childbirth was the
ravage of Europe and it got worse and
worse and worse over the course of over
a century in some hospitals it was as
high as 70% of women who gave birth who
would die as a result of giving birth
but this was the Renaissance this was
the time of empirical data and science
and we had thrown away things like
tradition and mysticism these were men
of science these were doctors and these
doctors and men of science wanted to
study and try and find the reason for
this black death of childbed and so they
got to work studying and they would
study the corpses of the of the women
who had died and in the morning they
would conduct autopsies and then in the
afternoon they would go and deliver
babies and finish their rounds and it
wasn’t until somewhere in the mid 1800s
that dr. Oliver Wendell Holmes father of
Supreme Court justice Oliver Wendell
Holmes realized
that all of these doctors who conducting
autopsies in the morning weren’t washing
their hands before they delivered babies
in the afternoon and he pointed it out
and said guys you’re the problem and
they ignored him and called him crazy
for 30 years until finally somebody
realized that if they simply washed
their hands it would go away and that’s
exactly what happened when they started
sterilizing their instruments and
washing their hands the black death of
child bed disappeared
my point is the lesson here is sometimes
you’re the problem we’ve seen this
happen all too recently with our new men
of science and empirical studies and
these men of finance who are smarter
than the rest of us until the thing
collapsed and they blamed everything
else except themselves and my point is
is take accountability for your actions
you can take all the credit in the world
for the things that you do right as long
as you also take responsibility for the
things you do wrong it must be a
balanced equation you don’t get it one
way and not the other you get to take
credit when you also take accountability
well you really need to do is think
about what is the smallest possible test
that I can run for this idea for this
concept for this theory get it out there
and get customers using it because your
customers are gonna be the ones to tell
you if it’s really working or not I
think that what I took from the film to
me that was interesting cuz again it’s
my life and it’s been 35 years of just
living it’s it’s kind of really sucked
at times and how hard it’s been I know
it’s been hard of course but to be good
at anything is hard I mean I’m sure
everybody in this room and anybody
watching is excited my life’s been hard
too it’s true and if somebody were to
put a documentary together about your
life it would probably be similar and
that life is
Bart it’s what you do with it the best
piece of advice that I was given when I
started my modeling career was make sure
that you under there was a lot of things
that weren’t given to me because you
know everybody likes to give you advice
one thing that stayed with me is you’re
as good as your last job and so every
job I treated as if it were my last job
and I think that that kind of gave me a
reputation of hard-working ready to do
whatever it takes to get this shot and
and I and I think that that’s very
important in any industry you can’t
really form other people’s opinions of
you and you know I became successful at
a very young age and I like from the
first day after winning Wimbledon you
know you would think like a teenager
wins Wimbledon but not everyone was
positive about it everyone wanted to
know the story and you know blaming my
parents for having their child to go
through this crazy journey and working
hard and not having a normal childhood
like everyone is always going to find
something in your success or in your
story or upbringing that will try to
knock you down like literally whether
it’s their purpose whether it’s a news
outlet whatever it might be you never
know the intention but yeah I don’t want
to form people’s opinion I just want to
be and live true to who I am every day
and then that’s the only thing that I
can do you can’t really control what
other people think of you or how how
they end up remembering you when I get
to the court so you know I have my bag
and I’m wearing my my hat in my in my
hoodie this is my office
like that’s my workplace and I am like
I’m laser-focus and I’ve had that I mean
I I think it’s that mentality that
whatever I just have that tunnel vision
and that’s how I go and when I leave the
courts I got friends family jokes fun
like when I get to my office I close the
door and that’s me
yes you yeah don’t expect anything like
expect expect the worst and you know if
you still obviously still want to do
this then go ahead and do it and you
know I really did expect the worst I was
like you know what if nobody cares if
you know my first album flops follow my
song swap I don’t care I’m still gonna
do this because I I want to do this for
me and so I was perfectly ready for none
of it to happen and I you know so it’s
the fact that you know people connected
to Havana and that people are connecting
to never be the same and people are just
connecting to my music is super it’s
like the best feeling ever because I
believe ambition is not a dirty word
it’s just believing in yourself and your
abilities imagine this what would happen
if we were all brave enough to believe
in our own ability to be a little bit
more ambitious I think the world would
change so today you should think okay my
co-founders do we do we cover a lot of
surface area do we have different skill
sets and is it somebody that that I
trust fundamentally and that’s those are
really really really important questions
to ask yourself because if so they give
a really strong foundation to go forward
I think you know if you know why you’re
doing something and what it is that
you’re trying to get then it’s a
question of being very very open to
failure and and just you know trying
again and again and again until you get
it I have a lot of moments where I’m
like shy and I don’t
I want to be you know I want to be like
away from people but I think certain
challenges always make me have to step
it up and so I push I push myself a lot
you know life begins outside of your
comfort zone and you know sometimes it’s
good to push yourself and do the
unexpected and you never know what you
might find
well I’m very driven by what I do I am
certainly very competitive what else am
i needy I’m probably very needy yes a
bitch perfectionist that’s right bitch
first well I I hope I’m not
I try not to be but I like people who
represent the best of what they do and
if that turns you into perfectionist
then maybe I am but you’ve got this I
really like the titles I really want to
go after it I’m Way intense I want to
win I’m all-in getting in that kind of
shape is brutally difficult but then at
the same time you can balance it with
the playfulness and it’s not all about
that how have you learned to strike that
balance and maybe more importantly how
do you teach other people to do that mmm
I’ve learned if I don’t learn to strike
that balance that when I go to extreme
in either one I’m not I’m not happy I
feel very scattered I feel frantic I
feel crazy so I think that for me when I
start feeling a little bit chaotic so
for me it shows up in a very like
grasping for straws things aren’t
happening like I’m running into a wall
like the feeling of banging your head
against a wall that’s what it feels like
for me and I know a lot of people can
relate to that and I think especially a
lot of people in fitness might get into
it to kind of like maybe they’re anxious
or it calms their nerves because I think
I run really on the anxious side so for
me if I don’t learn how to control that
I’ll go to the extreme of something so
it’s a must for me I actually think it’s
a must for everyone to kind of find how
to dance in the different categories of
your life because we’re not just one
thing and when we go all in on one thing
were severely neglecting the other parts
of us which makes for an empty human you
know which makes for someone who doesn’t
feel who never feels full so
to remember that there’s so many parts
of me that I need to make sure that I’m
fulfilling I don’t make notes
I don’t react very instinctively to
everything I’m a great believer in
traveling a great deal
I don’t believe meetings more than two
people in the meeting as too many it’s
true do you know about stand-ups
okay so in Silicon Valley now when you
have a meeting everybody stands in a
circle like they’re meditating that’s
that’s how maybe I should try that um I
think the more you go out the more you
see the more you experience life the
more you bring back to your day job so
as I was trying to say in my remarks I
think the problem that big corporations
is you get a lot of people my age trying
to hold on to their jobs and you know
clinging on to their pensions and their
retirement and they’re not experiencing
new things and they don’t like change
and they don’t like disruption so
they’re either they don’t make a
decision or they say no and as a result
they stagnate so it’s terribly important
to bring people in from the outside and
not to remain too insular and also to
hire as many young bright people like
all of you as you can just to teach you
how to think about things completely
differently I think all of us at Vogue
are always looking for talent and we’re
also looking for someone who has a head
on their shoulders and understand that
being talented is obviously important
but that you also have have to have a
sense of business and that being
creative and commercial does are two
words that can work together both
continue to change and continue to get
bigger and I think as I as I sort of
reached certain milestones certain
accomplishments you know it only makes
me realize that I need to dream bigger
and I think that same thing for you guys
I think as you really build that
confidence through your
you really start start you know building
your career and building your
relationships and seeing your dreams
actually realized you just have to
continue to keep dreaming bigger and
that’s why it’s so important to always
continue learning in my opinion because
there’s always there’s you’ve never made
it I think we all can always continue to
do let’s do more to be better and bigger
I mean doing the same thing I mean just
being known for like one thing your
whole life it’s a that’s sad you know I
there’s we all have so many interests
I’m sure and so you know to get to make
jobs of them all or jobs if you could
call it that but to make businesses out
of them all and see them on a daily
basis in your light and how you
visualize them is really cool and fun
and we can all do it we all can do it so
many people are so afraid to try
something because they’re like oh like I
can’t leave my job because I’m you know
I have to pay bills or you know it’s
like we’ll start small then but don’t
say you can’t because as many times you
say you can’t you’re not going to if you
don’t think you can you won’t thoughts
become things it’s so hard I thought
doing this research I thought going into
it they’re authentic people and
inauthentic people mhm I had I did not
find any evidence of that at all what I
found is authenticity to practice and
you choose it every day sometimes every
hour of every day and it’s a practice
it’s not I just wake up in ham authentic
it’s that when you walk into a meeting
you have to make the choice am I gonna
show up and let myself be seen am I
gonna if I’m gonna raise my hands like
wow y’all look super excited I don’t
know what in the hell you’re talking
about
you know that’s a choice yes uh-huh
right well and went to bed to be make
that authentic choice yeah let go of the
faker faker ooh I said yeah I call it’s
a faker roof but you know what I have
found I mean I consider myself to be an
authentic person but when I am
inauthentic is when I’ve allowed myself
to be around people who were not and
then I have to fake it to be with them
oh it’s contagious yes
so they’re faking it yeah then and you
know you’re in that situation when you
do that uh-huh that kind of haha you’re
laughing at jokes that aren’t funny
you’re pretending to be comfortable when
you’re not and lose your own
authenticity yeah I do it I don’t have
to give power not only I do not have to
give power to my negative thoughts I
don’t have to give power to strangers
thoughts like people say dumb stuff all
the time and if you don’t like the way I
look or you don’t like the way I dress
it still doesn’t affect the fact that
I’m still gonna go and be successful and
I’m still gonna go and be the person
that I’m supposed to be even if you
don’t like me what advice to give to
people who focus on other people’s words
all the time how do they move past that
and not let it affect them I think it’s
just I recommend just it’s a practice
it’s literally a practice and I’ve one
thing I’ve started to do especially on
like social media or even if it’s maybe
I’m out on the streets and someone has
something mean to say I will smile like
and I’ve been working with Yahoo Justin
soo eyes so justin sua is a like a
sports psychologist and he works a lot
of MLB players and he’s been working
with me and something like he was really
helping me prepare for the regional
because I was already like weeks leading
up like an emotional like a
rollercoaster like I think that I hadn’t
quite yet felt things or let myself feel
things that sorry I’d like touching Mike
a million times let myself feel things
that were a natural response to what I
had been through and I was starting to
feel them like I would be completely
fine and then all of a sudden I was like
I could I could just like start crying
my body I felt anxiety in my body like
not just in my my heart for my solar my
head it was like physically in my legs
and my arms and something he talked
about was like every time you know if I
have a worry or a stress or maybe I have
like a negative thought about my own
performance or something come into my
head it’s like it just like smile at it
and like and let it go and I do that and
I do it physically I think about it I
I remind myself that it doesn’t it
really doesn’t matter and we have
thoughts all day we have thoughts all
the time and one of the best things
someone told me one day is he said you
know think of it as like like okay the
birds would they say birds that fly over
your head we have no control over them
but what we can control if is if we let
them build a nest in our hair so it’s
like we might have these thoughts so
people might say some things but we can
just let them go mm-hmm and if we you
know pay attention to them or give them
power that’s when it’s just gonna start
like stirring and she’s gonna create
problems and so I definitely am
practicing it all the time yeah you know
and practicing celebrating myself a
little bit more I’m not super great at
receiving compliments or talking about
myself for the matter and I think that’s
also stuff that I dealt with like what
the imposter syndrome type of thing like
I knew I know that I’m doing a lot of
really amazing things and and having
great opportunity and it’s not because
it’s just like because I’m a fluke and
people are like for a second thing I’m
you know cause it’s because I am doing
things because I am good at Bizness
it’s because I am good with people
because I I do work hard for my goals I
do want to help people I do love making
people happy
you know I love building businesses and
working with teams of people that want
to be successful and make changes and
differences that’s all real and so I’m
getting a lot better at not only letting
things go that will only cause grief
even though that grief won’t make a
difference in whether if I wake up and
get out of bed tomorrow I might like
that you that’s the thing too it’s like
realizing well is that is that gonna
change what you do like tomorrow are you
still gonna get up usually getting out
of bed she’s gonna go to work so realize
that if you you have you haven’t lost
chances to be a better person you
haven’t lost chances
to love yourself you haven’t lost
chances to like be successful because we
have all these moments where you
literally and just just do it just be
the person that you want to be just
smile with the people that walk down the
street because you want to be a happy
person you know it’s just you just get
to do it you know I think it’s always
part of life to have some knocks as well
as some successes and take risks and you
know to learn so I think it’s healthy
for everyone to lose a job as well as to
gain a job shame is far more likely to
cause destructive behaviors than it is
to cure it what we know is that shame is
highly correlated with addiction
violence aggression bullying it’s not
helpful to be ashamed for this reason
and I think this is really a core thing
that we need to get our heads and hearts
around as a culture shame corrodes the
part of us that believes we can change
so to change someone into changing is
like saying to them you are horrible and
worthless and you’re not capable of
change get better I have interviewed
over 600 men and women now across the
country about shame and across the
interviews men and women with high
levels of resilience to shame share four
things in common the first is they
physically recognize when they’re in
shame and they know what triggered it so
let’s say something happens at work I
make a mistake or something happens and
that warm wash comes over me you know
that feeling yeah if I can physically
say oh my god I know that this is shame
I’m in shame it’s very helpful because
we are not fit for human consumption
when we’re in shame we need to pull away
and get re grounded take some deep
breaths and figure out how to respond
one of the things that makes shame worse
is normally when we’re in it we act out
for example the mother that I
interviewed she fills her car up she
goes into the gas station she goes to
pay her credit cards declined the man
shames her in front of the other patrons
makes her leave her I think our wedding
band and her wallet and lead with
an ATM card so she’s filled with shame
she gets in the car she slams the door
when she slams the door it wakes up her
three-year-old toddler who’s in the
backseat who starts screaming what
happens next
she starts screaming back shut up shut
up so now she’s in the shame of having
this credit card declined being
belittled in front of people and now
having to deal with you know the
struggle of on the horrible mom and why
am I taking this out of my child so men
and women with high levels of resilience
recognize physically when they’re in
shame and what triggered it okay then
they practice critical awareness how
realistic are the expectations and
messages that we put on ourselves
through that others put on us that tell
us who we’re supposed to be the third
thing is men and women with high levels
of resilience reach out we’ve got to
share our story so they talk about it
they talk about it you know we breathe
through it we recognize we’re in it and
then we call and say hey Patricia it’s
me you’re not gonna believe what
happened can you listen it’s it’s hard
and then we speak shame you know it’s I
try to explain to people the importance
of using the word shame and this is not
just laypeople this is mental health
professionals right you know we’ve got
to use the word it’s different if I were
to call you into Oh Patricia spray I’m
so embarrassed that would be one thing
right but if I were to call you and say
Patricia it’s burning I’m really
struggling with some shame that’s
different it’s a different conversation
right shame cannot hold on when we name
it right so it’s not just you know an
academic pet peeve I want everybody to
get the semantics correct men and women
with high levels of shame resilience use
the word and talk about the emotion I’m
not very religious anymore you were I
mean I grew up Mormon when I was in high
school and I had a teacher tell me that
if a boy asked me to a dance and if he
was not going to church every Sunday I
should say no because that boy would
never be able to take me to the temple I
was like huh no not going to do that I
grew up where we give respect to all
people
I grew up your parents raised you like
that yes and I have a family that my own
family doesn’t go to church every Sunday
so I wouldn’t choose someone else over
them right you know it was just there
was a lot of things that would happen
and I just chose to ignore this that I
thought was dumb and and live in
practice the things that I loved I think
a lot of things are taught through shame
and guilt the religion absolutely you
know and I got to a point where I was
just that crosses over into all parts of
your life not just your religion
learning that or having that be a way of
teaching someone anything and from when
you’re very young
that will stay with you forever so I was
always a very guilty person over the
dumbest stuff I got some funny stories
actually can’t tell why I mean I
probably could tell one now but like I
could not I mean I held I had so much
guilt and every time I went to church
and my dad wasn’t there people would ask
me where’s your dad you know or if I was
if I went boating with my family on a
Sunday and I go to church the next week
well where were you
how’d you get that sunburn oh you were
at the lake on Sunday yeah with my
family you know there’s just there’s so
many people in religion that they just
they’ll just keep more guilt more shame
more guilt more shaming and you can’t
help but that be something that you
might experience other things throughout
life where someone else doesn’t have to
make you feel guilty or feel shame
you’ll do it to yourself and you’re just
holding yourself back when in reality I
would rather focus on living further now
versus constantly making decisions based
on what might happen when I die and
that’s where things changed for me you
realize along the way or once you’ve won
something or once you’ve made a lot of
money it’s like if you don’t enjoy the
journey that moment is so fleeting it’s
it’s gone in a second and if you don’t
have the inner mindset of loving
yourself of loving who you are of
what you do of wanting to make an impact
of wanting to help others of wanting to
improve someone else’s life like that
it’s honestly the most empty feeling if
you think that’s the only thing and I
remember I had this moment I had worked
so incredibly hard it had been like six
years of competing some people some
people compete and win right away and
they get these covers and you know
that’s just what I thought would happen
and six years later I’m still like not
winning not getting covers not nobody’s
noticing me and finally actually that
year something shifted for me that the
year that I won like swept everything
and what happened is the year prior to
that I had started training other people
go figure training them for stage really
training them a lot in my studio really
wanting other people to win like making
their wins my win and what happened is
their journey became so much mine and I
became so just immersed in making
someone else’s life better that that
next year it was like I I was so
fulfilled and happy and that just
radiated I knew that my purpose wasn’t
just the body I knew that my purpose was
so much bigger than this one thing that
all of a sudden I showed up on stage is
a totally different person literally
people were like who are you what
happened and I had this moment of I I
let go of thinking this was everything
and I actually learned that the journey
is about helping other people it’s about
you know really loving what you do and
who you are but loving the fact that you
get to do what you love for other people
and that just it flipped it literally
flipped on a dime for me and that that
was a moment of wow it’s never about the
titles those things are amazing don’t
get me wrong I love them I’m not gonna
lie but if you don’t do both if you
don’t use them or use them as a platform
for something they’re gonna be really
empty because they’re just a moment when
you’re asleep ladies and gentlemen you
need your dreams I’m here to tell you
that when you’re wide awake you also
need your
dreams you must have your goals you’ll
never make it as a wandering generality
you must become a meaningful specific if
you’re going to work tomorrow because
that’s what you did yesterday you’re not
going to be as good tomorrow as you are
yesterday because now you’re two days
older and no closer to the goal which
you do not have you can make it as a
wandering generality what is your best
piece of advice for the next generations
influencers I think it’s really to be
true to yourself and listen as much as
one is able to other people whose
opinions you respect and look up to but
in the end it has to come from from you
and you you can’t really worry too much
by looking to the left or the right
about what the competition might be
doing or other people in your field
might be doing it has to be a true
vision start checking in with your
thoughts and how you’re feeling each day
so outside about gratitude practice
which I’m going to kind of talk about as
well this is probably the number one
fastest way that you can start changing
your life and I’m going to tell you
about the ripple effect that happens so
it’s checking in to see where you’re at
what emotion are you feeling in that
moment so if you wake up in the morning
and you’re anything like me I don’t
necessarily wake up in the best Boone at
all so I really need to start figuring
out how to up level my feelings right
because our feelings are the best
indicators of what we’re attracting what
we’re going to attract that day how
we’re gonna feel maybe what’s going to
come into our life who we’re gonna end
up talking to because truly truly I know
that we are all on a we’re all vibrating
at a different frequency so if you are a
really positive excited happy person who
knows that great things are gonna come
your way or who’s always thinking
positive you’re gonna attract that same
type of person and I can see this
through my life as I’ve really started
to uplevel my life and my thoughts in my
business the people that are being drawn
to me so you really do it really is like
attracts like so what we want to do is
we want to get you into that mode right
those people that
like wow they can just walk into a room
and you just feel their energy they’re
just vibrating so high or maybe they’re
just always so happy or they always you
you just want to be around them because
you want a piece of what they have so
how do we get there how do we become one
of those people when you wake up in the
morning maybe if you are at a low point
or you’re thinking about all the things
that you have to do that day what is a
thought or what is something that you
can do to get yourself to the next best
reachable thought so I don’t want you to
think that you have to go from zero to a
hundred in that split second it’s
basically going from zero to five to ten
to twenty to fifty and working your way
up so it’s one thought at a time so
maybe you wake up and you just say three
things that you’re grateful for every
single morning you let yourself really
experience being grateful for it really
think about why you’re grateful and then
what you’re gonna do is as as you mosey
down the stairs to get your cup of
coffee you say three more things you’re
grateful for or I’m so grateful that I
have a job today because of what it
allows me to do and you really start
letting that sink in and you think of
something that maybe you’re excited
about something that you could create
something that you love about yourself
it’s this constant up leveling of your
thoughts so it’s guiding your thoughts
right so instead of just being mindless
which what happens we’re imperfect human
beings right so when we’re mindless and
when we don’t guide our thoughts they’re
gonna go to chaos they’re gonna go to
craziness they’re gonna go to overwhelm
because life is crazy and we’re
constantly getting sidetracked we’re
constantly getting distracted it’s
literally people’s full-time job on TV
on Instagram on whatever we’re doing to
distract us right they want us to be
their consumer they want us to be
completely distracted they want us to go
to this fast-food place do this thing do
that thing so we need to bring it back
to a mindful place so really that’s what
we’re doing when we up level those
thoughts is how do you bring it back
from crazytown so bring it on back and
then guide it to that next best thought
right because the next best thought is
gonna attract another good thought
attract another good thought and it
attract another good thought it
a couple months to like real I mean I
was 17 at the time I just finished high
school two months earlier and I’m now
living in Melbourne I mean I was playing
catch up really quickly anyway I was
living on my own in a new city where I
had never met anyone two hour flight
away from anyone I knew and I had no
money and I was like just trying to find
couches to sleep on at that point plus
before you’re 18 you can’t like sign up
and get electricity bills and stuff like
that so no one would rent a place to me
I didn’t have any money the whole thing
was like I was just trying to like keep
my head above water at that point and
then once it settled in and I kind of
got settled there and you know it’s
working constantly then that’s when I
felt like oh yeah I’ve seen I’ve seen
people make the jump from here to
America so my choices are either stay or
you know be good enough to stay on this
show for decades the way some cast
members have which you know you’d have a
lovely life in Melbourne or you screw it
up and get fired which I didn’t
obviously didn’t want to take that
option or try and make the transition to
the American industry you know try and
move to LA and do pilot season as I had
seen a few cast members do at that point
so that is my goal
any fear when you made the made the
flight yes but it wasn’t as scary yes
definitely but it wasn’t as scary as
that first moved to Melbourne that first
moved to Melbourne was terrifying
because I was just you know I like I
said I didn’t have money at the time I
didn’t like heaven I didn’t know when
you at least when I moved to LA like
when I did that flight to LA I knew two
people there already who had already
been on neighbours and I had my money
saved so if anything went really wrong I
knew I could afford to get in a cab
drive to the airport and buy a ticket
home and so like I that’s all I needed
to know I was like cool I’m sweet
whatever happens like if anything goes
really wrong I can always afford to fly
home movie
and it ever once you’ve got here didn’t
ever seem like anything was going really
longer
yeah there’s obviously like the ups and
downs and like the crazy as anyone who’s
moved to when you sit before I’m sure
they’ve had crazy experiences so I had
all that for sure but that no it was
fine I was I would have had to take a
lot to make me fly home I was like I
will not be a failure I came here and
I’m not going home until I’ve made it in
this business so I feel like when you
undertake any big task you kind of have
this crisis of faith in yourself and
you’re like I can’t do it it’s um I
couldn’t like I just can’t so I had that
and and for you know for a brief moment
I was like I guess I’m not gonna do the
role I I can’t do nudity and I can’t I
would never be good enough for this
anyway and and then you know the thought
occurred to me oh I guess who’s gonna
play it then and then that just
infuriated me the thought of someone
else playing my role I was like well
they couldn’t possibly do the role no I
have to do it because no one else could
possibly do the role so so um yes no I
had my moment of my crisis of faith one
night Chris had gone to bed I’ve been
struggling struggling struggling we
still had all the same problems i we
stalled a lien on the house still facing
bankruptcy still fighting like crazy I
was still unemployed
he still they still hadn’t figured out
like the solution yet for the business
and I was about to turn off the TV and
there on the the TV there was this
rocket launching and I thought oh my
gosh I am gonna launch myself out of bed
like a rocket ship like NASA right here
had launched me out of that bed and I’m
gonna move so fast that I don’t think
I’m gonna beat my brain now here’s a
really interesting point I talked a lot
about your instincts and inner wisdom
and we can get into this a little bit
later but a lot of us talk about the
fact that you have a gut feeling but
what all this research that I’ve done
for the book and and all the speaking
that I do what I’ve discovered that’s
fascinating is actually when you set
goals when you have an intention on
something that you want to change about
your life your brain helps you what it
does is it opens up a checklist and then
your brain goes to work trying to remind
you yeah of that intention that you set
and it’s really important to develop the
skill and I say that word purposefully
the skill of knowing how to hear that
inner wisdom and that intention kicking
in and leaning into it quickly so for me
my brain saying that’s it right there
move as fast as a rocket Mel I wanted to
change my life and I think most people
that are miserable or that are that are
really like dying to be great and dying
to have more we want to change we want
to live a better life we want to create
more for our families we want to be
happier
the desire is there again it’s about how
do you go from knowledge to actions so
the first thing in the story that’s
important is realizing that the answer
was in me and my mind was telling me pay
attention I could have also been the
Bourbon anyway the next morning the
alarm goes off and I pretended NASA was
there it’s a stupidest story I literally
went five four three two one I counted
out loud and then I stood up and I’ll
never forget standing there in my
bedroom it was dark it was cold it was
winter in Boston and for the first time
in three months I had beaten my habit of
hitting the snooze button I couldn’t
believe it and I thought wait a minute
counting backwards that is the dumbest
thing I’ve ever heard in my entire life
well the next morning I used it again
and it worked the next morning I used it
again and it worked the next morning I
used it again and it worked and then I
started to notice something really
interesting there were moments all day
long
all day long just like that five-second
moment in bed where I knew knowledge
what I should do and if I didn’t move
within five seconds my brain would step
in and talk me out of it
every human being has a five-second
window might even be shorter for you you
have about a five-second window in which
you can move from idea to action before
your brain kicks into full gear and
sabotages any change in behavior because
remember your brain is wired to stop you
from doing things that are uncomfortable
or uncertain or scary it’s your job to
learn how to move from those ideas that
could change everything
into acting on them so the most
important part of getting to a goal is
to start feeling it now is to start
acting as if right if you want to be
that leader if you want to be that
author if you want to be that painter
all it takes is one action and you truly
are in the process of becoming it so
it’s funny that I am literally basically
done with the book and I’m like can I
call myself an author yet I’ve written a
book of course because you have taken
the action you’re doing the actions
there is no final anointing of anyone
there’s no ceremony there’s no fireworks
you just start acting as if and feeling
it and envisioning it and picturing it
and soon enough you become it right so
everybody starts somewhere so whether
you are a famous ballerina or an Olympic
swimmer they all started somewhere they
all had to take that first class they
all had to take that first leap into the
water right and at what point can you
start calling yourself a swimmer a
dancer an author it’s the second that
you start taking action and you start
thinking it and you’re feeling it right
it’s about embodying it so my biggest
tip for you is
start seeing yourself as that person and
start taking the small actions of being
that person that you want to be that’s
the only thing that is separating you
from actually being it so you have to
act as if in order to really start
getting that ball rolling and all of a
sudden you are and we’re only gonna go
as far as you think you’re worthy I can
push you can push you can have the
greatest product but if you don’t feel
worthy you will work hard to sabotage
that relationship you don’t know you
don’t know you’re doing you think these
are the things I need and you’re driving
that guy away you’re driving that woman
away because your self-worth says they
weren’t gonna stay forever anyway or
self-worth around money you have a cat
that you feel like you’re worthy of a
million dollars you will always get to
999 thousand and you will stop because
your self-worth says it what’s a good
exercise or process that we can follow
on a daily basis maybe something simple
to enhance our enrichment absolutely
worthiness absolutely I did this for six
months every single day right after I
brush my teeth and it’s the ICU exercise
and you get in the mirror now it’s not
necessarily simple because because you
deal with yourself of course and as
complicated as you are will be the
degree I can accept our counties are yes
I appreciate that distinction um you get
in the mirror and you complete three
different sentences you want to write
this down the first sentence you look at
yourself and you say your name so you
would say Louis and you complete this is
I’m proud that you and find seven
different things every day to celebrate
yourself for seven different each day
you can do the same thing you did the
day before
but each day do seven different things
to be proud of the second sentence is
gonna knock you down a little bit it’s
gonna come from your gut Louis I forgive
you for and cut the shackles to blame
shame guilt regret and anger in that
sentence you cut those five shackles not
the first day maybe not the third day
but by the 21st day by the thirteenth
day you’ll feel some relief so Louis I
forgive you for and go back five years
fifteen years twenty years did that
forgive you fit for that thing don’t
nobody know about but you go ahead and
cut those shackles because if you can
still think about it is filling your
energy space and then the third sentence
is Louis I commit to you that before you
make a commitment to anybody else
throughout your day you make seven
commitments to you so the first sentence
I’m proud that you you’re celebrating
yourself first we are under celebrated
as as a society we look for
acknowledgement they enter they
interviewed a hundred executives that
all made over a quarter of a million
dollars and said would you like a five
percent raise next year or would you
rather be told thank you more often 100
percent 100 percent said keep your money
I’d rather hear thank you
so we’re under celebrated but first
celebrate you be the example when I was
on Oprah when she said what do you do I
said I recognize that I’m the example of
how the rest of the world is supposed to
treat me and it’s my job to give the
world the best example of how I like to
be treated
so celebrate yourself forgive yourself
cut the shackles and then commit to
yourself before you commit to anyone
else that right there powerful that
right there will begin to fill your cup
up mmm to get to your sausage I love
that having the tough conversations in
our female relationships and our
relationships in general and life with
our parents whatever it is because we’re
so we’re not used to that spike in
emotions because it feels like it’s this
wall it’s this tidal wave coming out
into the world feeling totally but what
happens is and I just had one of the
toughest conversations in my life with
my mother like two weeks ago and it’s
this spike right it’s like I had to do
the Mel Robbins like five four three two
one no lie like I was like five four
three two one dial or you’re never doing
this I was like wanted to throw up so
it’s a tidal wave but what happens is
the second you start getting it out it’s
literally 30 seconds to a minute
it clears and you’re on the other side
it feels so much better when you’re done
so much better swayed even thirty
seconds in though so it’s just that
first spike of beforehand that it’s like
all the resistance is right here right
now you guys if we just if we would
start having these tough conversations
more often your whole life changes
like your entire life changes and things
just start coming to you because it’s
all about understanding that we are all
so different
we’re bringing in a million different
things from our past and we’re bringing
it into this moment right now we don’t
even know it like everything I’m
perceiving about you is because of what
I’ve perceived from my past and it’s not
until I realized how I feel if some
things are blocked with me that you
would ever even know ever even know that
you know maybe maybe tall men scare me
sure for real women it does and I’m just
being honest yeah they don’t scare me
but I’m just saying like anything simple
like that that we’re bringing into the
moment and there’s so many things you
know layers that we don’t even realize
we’re showing up as or we’re carrying or
carrying with us that is blocking yeah a
connection if you’re not speaking the
idea of having tough conversations you
know this reflects even in business for
all of us it’s like we’re scared to have
these tough conversations we’re scared
to hurt people we’re scared to say how
we feel because we could really you know
what if we’re not friends anymore we
think that we’re supposed to have these
friends and they’re supposed to be our
life long friends and that’s a huge that
is a huge different powering belief as
well
padeen you gotta hold on to or something
that maybe is 10 20 years outdated
I don’t know long serves either of you
yes I mean I can’t tell you the amount
of women who are like yeah but these are
the women who I grew up with and I was
in a sorority with them like you’re
never gonna move forward you’re carrying
all of them back here and you’re
evolving and becoming a new person like
every single day if we’re doing it right
we should have someone say to us you
know you’ve changed like yeah oh yeah
I’m growing I don’t want to become a
different person and I think we’re
dragging all of these people behind us
we’re dragging all of these stories and
all of this stuff and we’re showing up
and we’re exhausted and we’re trying to
meet each other and like oh my god
that’s in the women who are maybe doing
the work or who are really ready to
connect if you’re carrying all that
they’re not ready to connect with all of that either
been gifted the opportunity of choice
you can choose to be happy or you can
choose to be sad I don’t care what your
situation is you should never allow your
situation to define who you are as a
person I know I lived out of my car for
two and a half years and you know the
story that I told them up myself in my
head every day all day long why does
this person get this why does it why’s
this always keep happening to me
why do I keep getting this girlfriend
this kind of girlfriend why does this
happen to me how come this person got
this record deal and I didn’t how come
this person why oh poor pity me
shut up Garin Jones the outside is the
physical manifestation of what goes on
inside the brain things do not just
happen no one just rear-ends your car
you don’t just become broke broke is a
mindset things don’t just happen your
pocketbook is not just below balance or
on zero you’re not just over just by
chance you’re just overweight things
don’t just happen I wasn’t just living
out of my car for two and a half years
the outside is the physical
manifestation of what goes on inside the
brain just like you can think yourself
sad or mad or broke and all these things
you can also think yourself happy
I’m telling you coming from a guy that
lived out of his car for two and a half
years I have stuff that I haven’t even
posted online day one day two day three
day four day month like month year it
came it was so bad that I was numb with
emotion numb with emotions crying myself
to sleep
myself to sleep in my Jeep how does a
guy with so much passion live in his car
for two and a half years it was all
because of me I deserved to live in my
car I deserved to be broke
I deserved not to have the opportunities
that I should have been getting and they
weren’t for me but I’ll tell you what
was for me I woke up every day with an
opportunity to choose different if you
want something different you have to do
something different into that simple you
want something different in life you
have to do something different in the
18th century there was something that
spread across Europe and eventually made
its way to America where opal fever also
known as the Black Death of childbed
basically what was happening is women
were giving birth and they would die
within 48 hours after giving birth
this black death of childbirth was the
ravage of Europe and it got worse and
worse and worse over the course of over
a century in some hospitals it was as
high as 70% of women who gave birth who
would die as a result of giving birth
but this was the Renaissance this was
the time of empirical data and science
and we had thrown away things like
tradition and mysticism these were men
of science these were doctors and these
doctors and men of science wanted to
study and try and find the reason for
this black death of childbed and so they
got to work studying and they would
study the corpses of the of the women
who had died and in the morning they
would conduct autopsies and then in the
afternoon they would go and deliver
babies and finish their rounds and it
wasn’t until somewhere in the mid 1800s
that dr. Oliver Wendell Holmes father of
Supreme Court justice Oliver Wendell
Holmes realized
that all of these doctors who conducting
autopsies in the morning weren’t washing
their hands before they delivered babies
in the afternoon and he pointed it out
and said guys you’re the problem and
they ignored him and called him crazy
for 30 years until finally somebody
realized that if they simply washed
their hands it would go away and that’s
exactly what happened when they started
sterilizing their instruments and
washing their hands the black death of
child bed disappeared
my point is the lesson here is sometimes
you’re the problem we’ve seen this
happen all too recently with our new men
of science and empirical studies and
these men of finance who are smarter
than the rest of us until the thing
collapsed and they blamed everything
else except themselves and my point is
is take accountability for your actions
you can take all the credit in the world
for the things that you do right as long
as you also take responsibility for the
things you do wrong it must be a
balanced equation you don’t get it one
way and not the other you get to take
credit when you also take accountability
well you really need to do is think
about what is the smallest possible test
that I can run for this idea for this
concept for this theory get it out there
and get customers using it because your
customers are gonna be the ones to tell
you if it’s really working or not I
think that what I took from the film to
me that was interesting cuz again it’s
my life and it’s been 35 years of just
living it’s it’s kind of really sucked
at times and how hard it’s been I know
it’s been hard of course but to be good
at anything is hard I mean I’m sure
everybody in this room and anybody
watching is excited my life’s been hard
too it’s true and if somebody were to
put a documentary together about your
life it would probably be similar and
that life is
Bart it’s what you do with it the best
piece of advice that I was given when I
started my modeling career was make sure
that you under there was a lot of things
that weren’t given to me because you
know everybody likes to give you advice
one thing that stayed with me is you’re
as good as your last job and so every
job I treated as if it were my last job
and I think that that kind of gave me a
reputation of hard-working ready to do
whatever it takes to get this shot and
and I and I think that that’s very
important in any industry you can’t
really form other people’s opinions of
you and you know I became successful at
a very young age and I like from the
first day after winning Wimbledon you
know you would think like a teenager
wins Wimbledon but not everyone was
positive about it everyone wanted to
know the story and you know blaming my
parents for having their child to go
through this crazy journey and working
hard and not having a normal childhood
like everyone is always going to find
something in your success or in your
story or upbringing that will try to
knock you down like literally whether
it’s their purpose whether it’s a news
outlet whatever it might be you never
know the intention but yeah I don’t want
to form people’s opinion I just want to
be and live true to who I am every day
and then that’s the only thing that I
can do you can’t really control what
other people think of you or how how
they end up remembering you when I get
to the court so you know I have my bag
and I’m wearing my my hat in my in my
hoodie this is my office
like that’s my workplace and I am like
I’m laser-focus and I’ve had that I mean
I I think it’s that mentality that
whatever I just have that tunnel vision
and that’s how I go and when I leave the
courts I got friends family jokes fun
like when I get to my office I close the
door and that’s me
yes you yeah don’t expect anything like
expect expect the worst and you know if
you still obviously still want to do
this then go ahead and do it and you
know I really did expect the worst I was
like you know what if nobody cares if
you know my first album flops follow my
song swap I don’t care I’m still gonna
do this because I I want to do this for
me and so I was perfectly ready for none
of it to happen and I you know so it’s
the fact that you know people connected
to Havana and that people are connecting
to never be the same and people are just
connecting to my music is super it’s
like the best feeling ever because I
believe ambition is not a dirty word
it’s just believing in yourself and your
abilities imagine this what would happen
if we were all brave enough to believe
in our own ability to be a little bit
more ambitious I think the world would
change so today you should think okay my
co-founders do we do we cover a lot of
surface area do we have different skill
sets and is it somebody that that I
trust fundamentally and that’s those are
really really really important questions
to ask yourself because if so they give
a really strong foundation to go forward
I think you know if you know why you’re
doing something and what it is that
you’re trying to get then it’s a
question of being very very open to
failure and and just you know trying
again and again and again until you get
it I have a lot of moments where I’m
like shy and I don’t
I want to be you know I want to be like
away from people but I think certain
challenges always make me have to step
it up and so I push I push myself a lot
you know life begins outside of your
comfort zone and you know sometimes it’s
good to push yourself and do the
unexpected and you never know what you
might find
well I’m very driven by what I do I am
certainly very competitive what else am
i needy I’m probably very needy yes a
bitch perfectionist that’s right bitch
first well I I hope I’m not
I try not to be but I like people who
represent the best of what they do and
if that turns you into perfectionist
then maybe I am but you’ve got this I
really like the titles I really want to
go after it I’m Way intense I want to
win I’m all-in getting in that kind of
shape is brutally difficult but then at
the same time you can balance it with
the playfulness and it’s not all about
that how have you learned to strike that
balance and maybe more importantly how
do you teach other people to do that mmm
I’ve learned if I don’t learn to strike
that balance that when I go to extreme
in either one I’m not I’m not happy I
feel very scattered I feel frantic I
feel crazy so I think that for me when I
start feeling a little bit chaotic so
for me it shows up in a very like
grasping for straws things aren’t
happening like I’m running into a wall
like the feeling of banging your head
against a wall that’s what it feels like
for me and I know a lot of people can
relate to that and I think especially a
lot of people in fitness might get into
it to kind of like maybe they’re anxious
or it calms their nerves because I think
I run really on the anxious side so for
me if I don’t learn how to control that
I’ll go to the extreme of something so
it’s a must for me I actually think it’s
a must for everyone to kind of find how
to dance in the different categories of
your life because we’re not just one
thing and when we go all in on one thing
were severely neglecting the other parts
of us which makes for an empty human you
know which makes for someone who doesn’t
feel who never feels full so
to remember that there’s so many parts
of me that I need to make sure that I’m
fulfilling I don’t make notes
I don’t react very instinctively to
everything I’m a great believer in
traveling a great deal
I don’t believe meetings more than two
people in the meeting as too many it’s
true do you know about stand-ups
okay so in Silicon Valley now when you
have a meeting everybody stands in a
circle like they’re meditating that’s
that’s how maybe I should try that um I
think the more you go out the more you
see the more you experience life the
more you bring back to your day job so
as I was trying to say in my remarks I
think the problem that big corporations
is you get a lot of people my age trying
to hold on to their jobs and you know
clinging on to their pensions and their
retirement and they’re not experiencing
new things and they don’t like change
and they don’t like disruption so
they’re either they don’t make a
decision or they say no and as a result
they stagnate so it’s terribly important
to bring people in from the outside and
not to remain too insular and also to
hire as many young bright people like
all of you as you can just to teach you
how to think about things completely
differently I think all of us at Vogue
are always looking for talent and we’re
also looking for someone who has a head
on their shoulders and understand that
being talented is obviously important
but that you also have have to have a
sense of business and that being
creative and commercial does are two
words that can work together both
continue to change and continue to get
bigger and I think as I as I sort of
reached certain milestones certain
accomplishments you know it only makes
me realize that I need to dream bigger
and I think that same thing for you guys
I think as you really build that
confidence through your
you really start start you know building
your career and building your
relationships and seeing your dreams
actually realized you just have to
continue to keep dreaming bigger and
that’s why it’s so important to always
continue learning in my opinion because
there’s always there’s you’ve never made
it I think we all can always continue to
do let’s do more to be better and bigger
I mean doing the same thing I mean just
being known for like one thing your
whole life it’s a that’s sad you know I
there’s we all have so many interests
I’m sure and so you know to get to make
jobs of them all or jobs if you could
call it that but to make businesses out
of them all and see them on a daily
basis in your light and how you
visualize them is really cool and fun
and we can all do it we all can do it so
many people are so afraid to try
something because they’re like oh like I
can’t leave my job because I’m you know
I have to pay bills or you know it’s
like we’ll start small then but don’t
say you can’t because as many times you
say you can’t you’re not going to if you
don’t think you can you won’t thoughts
become things it’s so hard I thought
doing this research I thought going into
it they’re authentic people and
inauthentic people mhm I had I did not
find any evidence of that at all what I
found is authenticity to practice and
you choose it every day sometimes every
hour of every day and it’s a practice
it’s not I just wake up in ham authentic
it’s that when you walk into a meeting
you have to make the choice am I gonna
show up and let myself be seen am I
gonna if I’m gonna raise my hands like
wow y’all look super excited I don’t
know what in the hell you’re talking
about
you know that’s a choice yes uh-huh
right well and went to bed to be make
that authentic choice yeah let go of the
faker faker ooh I said yeah I call it’s
a faker roof but you know what I have
found I mean I consider myself to be an
authentic person but when I am
inauthentic is when I’ve allowed myself
to be around people who were not and
then I have to fake it to be with them
oh it’s contagious yes
so they’re faking it yeah then and you
know you’re in that situation when you
do that uh-huh that kind of haha you’re
laughing at jokes that aren’t funny
you’re pretending to be comfortable when
you’re not and lose your own
authenticity yeah I do it I don’t have
to give power not only I do not have to
give power to my negative thoughts I
don’t have to give power to strangers
thoughts like people say dumb stuff all
the time and if you don’t like the way I
look or you don’t like the way I dress
it still doesn’t affect the fact that
I’m still gonna go and be successful and
I’m still gonna go and be the person
that I’m supposed to be even if you
don’t like me what advice to give to
people who focus on other people’s words
all the time how do they move past that
and not let it affect them I think it’s
just I recommend just it’s a practice
it’s literally a practice and I’ve one
thing I’ve started to do especially on
like social media or even if it’s maybe
I’m out on the streets and someone has
something mean to say I will smile like
and I’ve been working with Yahoo Justin
soo eyes so justin sua is a like a
sports psychologist and he works a lot
of MLB players and he’s been working
with me and something like he was really
helping me prepare for the regional
because I was already like weeks leading
up like an emotional like a
rollercoaster like I think that I hadn’t
quite yet felt things or let myself feel
things that sorry I’d like touching Mike
a million times let myself feel things
that were a natural response to what I
had been through and I was starting to
feel them like I would be completely
fine and then all of a sudden I was like
I could I could just like start crying
my body I felt anxiety in my body like
not just in my my heart for my solar my
head it was like physically in my legs
and my arms and something he talked
about was like every time you know if I
have a worry or a stress or maybe I have
like a negative thought about my own
performance or something come into my
head it’s like it just like smile at it
and like and let it go and I do that and
I do it physically I think about it I
I remind myself that it doesn’t it
really doesn’t matter and we have
thoughts all day we have thoughts all
the time and one of the best things
someone told me one day is he said you
know think of it as like like okay the
birds would they say birds that fly over
your head we have no control over them
but what we can control if is if we let
them build a nest in our hair so it’s
like we might have these thoughts so
people might say some things but we can
just let them go mm-hmm and if we you
know pay attention to them or give them
power that’s when it’s just gonna start
like stirring and she’s gonna create
problems and so I definitely am
practicing it all the time yeah you know
and practicing celebrating myself a
little bit more I’m not super great at
receiving compliments or talking about
myself for the matter and I think that’s
also stuff that I dealt with like what
the imposter syndrome type of thing like
I knew I know that I’m doing a lot of
really amazing things and and having
great opportunity and it’s not because
it’s just like because I’m a fluke and
people are like for a second thing I’m
you know cause it’s because I am doing
things because I am good at Bizness
it’s because I am good with people
because I I do work hard for my goals I
do want to help people I do love making
people happy
you know I love building businesses and
working with teams of people that want
to be successful and make changes and
differences that’s all real and so I’m
getting a lot better at not only letting
things go that will only cause grief
even though that grief won’t make a
difference in whether if I wake up and
get out of bed tomorrow I might like
that you that’s the thing too it’s like
realizing well is that is that gonna
change what you do like tomorrow are you
still gonna get up usually getting out
of bed she’s gonna go to work so realize
that if you you have you haven’t lost
chances to be a better person you
haven’t lost chances
to love yourself you haven’t lost
chances to like be successful because we
have all these moments where you
literally and just just do it just be
the person that you want to be just
smile with the people that walk down the
street because you want to be a happy
person you know it’s just you just get
to do it you know I think it’s always
part of life to have some knocks as well
as some successes and take risks and you
know to learn so I think it’s healthy
for everyone to lose a job as well as to
gain a job shame is far more likely to
cause destructive behaviors than it is
to cure it what we know is that shame is
highly correlated with addiction
violence aggression bullying it’s not
helpful to be ashamed for this reason
and I think this is really a core thing
that we need to get our heads and hearts
around as a culture shame corrodes the
part of us that believes we can change
so to change someone into changing is
like saying to them you are horrible and
worthless and you’re not capable of
change get better I have interviewed
over 600 men and women now across the
country about shame and across the
interviews men and women with high
levels of resilience to shame share four
things in common the first is they
physically recognize when they’re in
shame and they know what triggered it so
let’s say something happens at work I
make a mistake or something happens and
that warm wash comes over me you know
that feeling yeah if I can physically
say oh my god I know that this is shame
I’m in shame it’s very helpful because
we are not fit for human consumption
when we’re in shame we need to pull away
and get re grounded take some deep
breaths and figure out how to respond
one of the things that makes shame worse
is normally when we’re in it we act out
for example the mother that I
interviewed she fills her car up she
goes into the gas station she goes to
pay her credit cards declined the man
shames her in front of the other patrons
makes her leave her I think our wedding
band and her wallet and lead with
an ATM card so she’s filled with shame
she gets in the car she slams the door
when she slams the door it wakes up her
three-year-old toddler who’s in the
backseat who starts screaming what
happens next
she starts screaming back shut up shut
up so now she’s in the shame of having
this credit card declined being
belittled in front of people and now
having to deal with you know the
struggle of on the horrible mom and why
am I taking this out of my child so men
and women with high levels of resilience
recognize physically when they’re in
shame and what triggered it okay then
they practice critical awareness how
realistic are the expectations and
messages that we put on ourselves
through that others put on us that tell
us who we’re supposed to be the third
thing is men and women with high levels
of resilience reach out we’ve got to
share our story so they talk about it
they talk about it you know we breathe
through it we recognize we’re in it and
then we call and say hey Patricia it’s
me you’re not gonna believe what
happened can you listen it’s it’s hard
and then we speak shame you know it’s I
try to explain to people the importance
of using the word shame and this is not
just laypeople this is mental health
professionals right you know we’ve got
to use the word it’s different if I were
to call you into Oh Patricia spray I’m
so embarrassed that would be one thing
right but if I were to call you and say
Patricia it’s burning I’m really
struggling with some shame that’s
different it’s a different conversation
right shame cannot hold on when we name
it right so it’s not just you know an
academic pet peeve I want everybody to
get the semantics correct men and women
with high levels of shame resilience use
the word and talk about the emotion I’m
not very religious anymore you were I
mean I grew up Mormon when I was in high
school and I had a teacher tell me that
if a boy asked me to a dance and if he
was not going to church every Sunday I
should say no because that boy would
never be able to take me to the temple I
was like huh no not going to do that I
grew up where we give respect to all
people
I grew up your parents raised you like
that yes and I have a family that my own
family doesn’t go to church every Sunday
so I wouldn’t choose someone else over
them right you know it was just there
was a lot of things that would happen
and I just chose to ignore this that I
thought was dumb and and live in
practice the things that I loved I think
a lot of things are taught through shame
and guilt the religion absolutely you
know and I got to a point where I was
just that crosses over into all parts of
your life not just your religion
learning that or having that be a way of
teaching someone anything and from when
you’re very young
that will stay with you forever so I was
always a very guilty person over the
dumbest stuff I got some funny stories
actually can’t tell why I mean I
probably could tell one now but like I
could not I mean I held I had so much
guilt and every time I went to church
and my dad wasn’t there people would ask
me where’s your dad you know or if I was
if I went boating with my family on a
Sunday and I go to church the next week
well where were you
how’d you get that sunburn oh you were
at the lake on Sunday yeah with my
family you know there’s just there’s so
many people in religion that they just
they’ll just keep more guilt more shame
more guilt more shaming and you can’t
help but that be something that you
might experience other things throughout
life where someone else doesn’t have to
make you feel guilty or feel shame
you’ll do it to yourself and you’re just
holding yourself back when in reality I
would rather focus on living further now
versus constantly making decisions based
on what might happen when I die and
that’s where things changed for me you
realize along the way or once you’ve won
something or once you’ve made a lot of
money it’s like if you don’t enjoy the
journey that moment is so fleeting it’s
it’s gone in a second and if you don’t
have the inner mindset of loving
yourself of loving who you are of
what you do of wanting to make an impact
of wanting to help others of wanting to
improve someone else’s life like that
it’s honestly the most empty feeling if
you think that’s the only thing and I
remember I had this moment I had worked
so incredibly hard it had been like six
years of competing some people some
people compete and win right away and
they get these covers and you know
that’s just what I thought would happen
and six years later I’m still like not
winning not getting covers not nobody’s
noticing me and finally actually that
year something shifted for me that the
year that I won like swept everything
and what happened is the year prior to
that I had started training other people
go figure training them for stage really
training them a lot in my studio really
wanting other people to win like making
their wins my win and what happened is
their journey became so much mine and I
became so just immersed in making
someone else’s life better that that
next year it was like I I was so
fulfilled and happy and that just
radiated I knew that my purpose wasn’t
just the body I knew that my purpose was
so much bigger than this one thing that
all of a sudden I showed up on stage is
a totally different person literally
people were like who are you what
happened and I had this moment of I I
let go of thinking this was everything
and I actually learned that the journey
is about helping other people it’s about
you know really loving what you do and
who you are but loving the fact that you
get to do what you love for other people
and that just it flipped it literally
flipped on a dime for me and that that
was a moment of wow it’s never about the
titles those things are amazing don’t
get me wrong I love them I’m not gonna
lie but if you don’t do both if you
don’t use them or use them as a platform
for something they’re gonna be really
empty because they’re just a moment when
you’re asleep ladies and gentlemen you
need your dreams I’m here to tell you
that when you’re wide awake you also
need your
dreams you must have your goals you’ll
never make it as a wandering generality
you must become a meaningful specific if
you’re going to work tomorrow because
that’s what you did yesterday you’re not
going to be as good tomorrow as you are
yesterday because now you’re two days
older and no closer to the goal which
you do not have you can make it as a
wandering generality what is your best
piece of advice for the next generations
influencers I think it’s really to be
true to yourself and listen as much as
one is able to other people whose
opinions you respect and look up to but
in the end it has to come from from you
and you you can’t really worry too much
by looking to the left or the right
about what the competition might be
doing or other people in your field
might be doing it has to be a true
vision start checking in with your
thoughts and how you’re feeling each day
so outside about gratitude practice
which I’m going to kind of talk about as
well this is probably the number one
fastest way that you can start changing
your life and I’m going to tell you
about the ripple effect that happens so
it’s checking in to see where you’re at
what emotion are you feeling in that
moment so if you wake up in the morning
and you’re anything like me I don’t
necessarily wake up in the best Boone at
all so I really need to start figuring
out how to up level my feelings right
because our feelings are the best
indicators of what we’re attracting what
we’re going to attract that day how
we’re gonna feel maybe what’s going to
come into our life who we’re gonna end
up talking to because truly truly I know
that we are all on a we’re all vibrating
at a different frequency so if you are a
really positive excited happy person who
knows that great things are gonna come
your way or who’s always thinking
positive you’re gonna attract that same
type of person and I can see this
through my life as I’ve really started
to uplevel my life and my thoughts in my
business the people that are being drawn
to me so you really do it really is like
attracts like so what we want to do is
we want to get you into that mode right
those people that
like wow they can just walk into a room
and you just feel their energy they’re
just vibrating so high or maybe they’re
just always so happy or they always you
you just want to be around them because
you want a piece of what they have so
how do we get there how do we become one
of those people when you wake up in the
morning maybe if you are at a low point
or you’re thinking about all the things
that you have to do that day what is a
thought or what is something that you
can do to get yourself to the next best
reachable thought so I don’t want you to
think that you have to go from zero to a
hundred in that split second it’s
basically going from zero to five to ten
to twenty to fifty and working your way
up so it’s one thought at a time so
maybe you wake up and you just say three
things that you’re grateful for every
single morning you let yourself really
experience being grateful for it really
think about why you’re grateful and then
what you’re gonna do is as as you mosey
down the stairs to get your cup of
coffee you say three more things you’re
grateful for or I’m so grateful that I
have a job today because of what it
allows me to do and you really start
letting that sink in and you think of
something that maybe you’re excited
about something that you could create
something that you love about yourself
it’s this constant up leveling of your
thoughts so it’s guiding your thoughts
right so instead of just being mindless
which what happens we’re imperfect human
beings right so when we’re mindless and
when we don’t guide our thoughts they’re
gonna go to chaos they’re gonna go to
craziness they’re gonna go to overwhelm
because life is crazy and we’re
constantly getting sidetracked we’re
constantly getting distracted it’s
literally people’s full-time job on TV
on Instagram on whatever we’re doing to
distract us right they want us to be
their consumer they want us to be
completely distracted they want us to go
to this fast-food place do this thing do
that thing so we need to bring it back
to a mindful place so really that’s what
we’re doing when we up level those
thoughts is how do you bring it back
from crazytown so bring it on back and
then guide it to that next best thought
right because the next best thought is
gonna attract another good thought
attract another good thought and it
attract another good thought it
a couple months to like real I mean I
was 17 at the time I just finished high
school two months earlier and I’m now
living in Melbourne I mean I was playing
catch up really quickly anyway I was
living on my own in a new city where I
had never met anyone two hour flight
away from anyone I knew and I had no
money and I was like just trying to find
couches to sleep on at that point plus
before you’re 18 you can’t like sign up
and get electricity bills and stuff like
that so no one would rent a place to me
I didn’t have any money the whole thing
was like I was just trying to like keep
my head above water at that point and
then once it settled in and I kind of
got settled there and you know it’s
working constantly then that’s when I
felt like oh yeah I’ve seen I’ve seen
people make the jump from here to
America so my choices are either stay or
you know be good enough to stay on this
show for decades the way some cast
members have which you know you’d have a
lovely life in Melbourne or you screw it
up and get fired which I didn’t
obviously didn’t want to take that
option or try and make the transition to
the American industry you know try and
move to LA and do pilot season as I had
seen a few cast members do at that point
so that is my goal
any fear when you made the made the
flight yes but it wasn’t as scary yes
definitely but it wasn’t as scary as
that first moved to Melbourne that first
moved to Melbourne was terrifying
because I was just you know I like I
said I didn’t have money at the time I
didn’t like heaven I didn’t know when
you at least when I moved to LA like
when I did that flight to LA I knew two
people there already who had already
been on neighbours and I had my money
saved so if anything went really wrong I
knew I could afford to get in a cab
drive to the airport and buy a ticket
home and so like I that’s all I needed
to know I was like cool I’m sweet
whatever happens like if anything goes
really wrong I can always afford to fly
home movie
and it ever once you’ve got here didn’t
ever seem like anything was going really
longer
yeah there’s obviously like the ups and
downs and like the crazy as anyone who’s
moved to when you sit before I’m sure
they’ve had crazy experiences so I had
all that for sure but that no it was
fine I was I would have had to take a
lot to make me fly home I was like I
will not be a failure I came here and
I’m not going home until I’ve made it in
this business so I feel like when you
undertake any big task you kind of have
this crisis of faith in yourself and
you’re like I can’t do it it’s um I
couldn’t like I just can’t so I had that
and and for you know for a brief moment
I was like I guess I’m not gonna do the
role I I can’t do nudity and I can’t I
would never be good enough for this
anyway and and then you know the thought
occurred to me oh I guess who’s gonna
play it then and then that just
infuriated me the thought of someone
else playing my role I was like well
they couldn’t possibly do the role no I
have to do it because no one else could
possibly do the role so so um yes no I
had my moment of my crisis of faith one
night Chris had gone to bed I’ve been
struggling struggling struggling we
still had all the same problems i we
stalled a lien on the house still facing
bankruptcy still fighting like crazy I
was still unemployed
he still they still hadn’t figured out
like the solution yet for the business
and I was about to turn off the TV and
there on the the TV there was this
rocket launching and I thought oh my
gosh I am gonna launch myself out of bed
like a rocket ship like NASA right here
had launched me out of that bed and I’m
gonna move so fast that I don’t think
I’m gonna beat my brain now here’s a
really interesting point I talked a lot
about your instincts and inner wisdom
and we can get into this a little bit
later but a lot of us talk about the
fact that you have a gut feeling but
what all this research that I’ve done
for the book and and all the speaking
that I do what I’ve discovered that’s
fascinating is actually when you set
goals when you have an intention on
something that you want to change about
your life your brain helps you what it
does is it opens up a checklist and then
your brain goes to work trying to remind
you yeah of that intention that you set
and it’s really important to develop the
skill and I say that word purposefully
the skill of knowing how to hear that
inner wisdom and that intention kicking
in and leaning into it quickly so for me
my brain saying that’s it right there
move as fast as a rocket Mel I wanted to
change my life and I think most people
that are miserable or that are that are
really like dying to be great and dying
to have more we want to change we want
to live a better life we want to create
more for our families we want to be
happier
the desire is there again it’s about how
do you go from knowledge to actions so
the first thing in the story that’s
important is realizing that the answer
was in me and my mind was telling me pay
attention I could have also been the
Bourbon anyway the next morning the
alarm goes off and I pretended NASA was
there it’s a stupidest story I literally
went five four three two one I counted
out loud and then I stood up and I’ll
never forget standing there in my
bedroom it was dark it was cold it was
winter in Boston and for the first time
in three months I had beaten my habit of
hitting the snooze button I couldn’t
believe it and I thought wait a minute
counting backwards that is the dumbest
thing I’ve ever heard in my entire life
well the next morning I used it again
and it worked the next morning I used it
again and it worked the next morning I
used it again and it worked and then I
started to notice something really
interesting there were moments all day
long
all day long just like that five-second
moment in bed where I knew knowledge
what I should do and if I didn’t move
within five seconds my brain would step
in and talk me out of it
every human being has a five-second
window might even be shorter for you you
have about a five-second window in which
you can move from idea to action before
your brain kicks into full gear and
sabotages any change in behavior because
remember your brain is wired to stop you
from doing things that are uncomfortable
or uncertain or scary it’s your job to
learn how to move from those ideas that
could change everything
into acting on them so the most
important part of getting to a goal is
to start feeling it now is to start
acting as if right if you want to be
that leader if you want to be that
author if you want to be that painter
all it takes is one action and you truly
are in the process of becoming it so
it’s funny that I am literally basically
done with the book and I’m like can I
call myself an author yet I’ve written a
book of course because you have taken
the action you’re doing the actions
there is no final anointing of anyone
there’s no ceremony there’s no fireworks
you just start acting as if and feeling
it and envisioning it and picturing it
and soon enough you become it right so
everybody starts somewhere so whether
you are a famous ballerina or an Olympic
swimmer they all started somewhere they
all had to take that first class they
all had to take that first leap into the
water right and at what point can you
start calling yourself a swimmer a
dancer an author it’s the second that
you start taking action and you start
thinking it and you’re feeling it right
it’s about embodying it so my biggest
tip for you is
start seeing yourself as that person and
start taking the small actions of being
that person that you want to be that’s
the only thing that is separating you
from actually being it so you have to
act as if in order to really start
getting that ball rolling and all of a
sudden you are and we’re only gonna go
as far as you think you’re worthy I can
push you can push you can have the
greatest product but if you don’t feel
worthy you will work hard to sabotage
that relationship you don’t know you
don’t know you’re doing you think these
are the things I need and you’re driving
that guy away you’re driving that woman
away because your self-worth says they
weren’t gonna stay forever anyway or
self-worth around money you have a cat
that you feel like you’re worthy of a
million dollars you will always get to
999 thousand and you will stop because
your self-worth says it what’s a good
exercise or process that we can follow
on a daily basis maybe something simple
to enhance our enrichment absolutely
worthiness absolutely I did this for six
months every single day right after I
brush my teeth and it’s the ICU exercise
and you get in the mirror now it’s not
necessarily simple because because you
deal with yourself of course and as
complicated as you are will be the
degree I can accept our counties are yes
I appreciate that distinction um you get
in the mirror and you complete three
different sentences you want to write
this down the first sentence you look at
yourself and you say your name so you
would say Louis and you complete this is
I’m proud that you and find seven
different things every day to celebrate
yourself for seven different each day
you can do the same thing you did the
day before
but each day do seven different things
to be proud of the second sentence is
gonna knock you down a little bit it’s
gonna come from your gut Louis I forgive
you for and cut the shackles to blame
shame guilt regret and anger in that
sentence you cut those five shackles not
the first day maybe not the third day
but by the 21st day by the thirteenth
day you’ll feel some relief so Louis I
forgive you for and go back five years
fifteen years twenty years did that
forgive you fit for that thing don’t
nobody know about but you go ahead and
cut those shackles because if you can
still think about it is filling your
energy space and then the third sentence
is Louis I commit to you that before you
make a commitment to anybody else
throughout your day you make seven
commitments to you so the first sentence
I’m proud that you you’re celebrating
yourself first we are under celebrated
as as a society we look for
acknowledgement they enter they
interviewed a hundred executives that
all made over a quarter of a million
dollars and said would you like a five
percent raise next year or would you
rather be told thank you more often 100
percent 100 percent said keep your money
I’d rather hear thank you
so we’re under celebrated but first
celebrate you be the example when I was
on Oprah when she said what do you do I
said I recognize that I’m the example of
how the rest of the world is supposed to
treat me and it’s my job to give the
world the best example of how I like to
be treated
so celebrate yourself forgive yourself
cut the shackles and then commit to
yourself before you commit to anyone
else that right there powerful that
right there will begin to fill your cup
up mmm to get to your sausage I love
that having the tough conversations in
our female relationships and our
relationships in general and life with
our parents whatever it is because we’re
so we’re not used to that spike in
emotions because it feels like it’s this
wall it’s this tidal wave coming out
into the world feeling totally but what
happens is and I just had one of the
toughest conversations in my life with
my mother like two weeks ago and it’s
this spike right it’s like I had to do
the Mel Robbins like five four three two
one no lie like I was like five four
three two one dial or you’re never doing
this I was like wanted to throw up so
it’s a tidal wave but what happens is
the second you start getting it out it’s
literally 30 seconds to a minute
it clears and you’re on the other side
it feels so much better when you’re done
so much better swayed even thirty
seconds in though so it’s just that
first spike of beforehand that it’s like
all the resistance is right here right
now you guys if we just if we would
start having these tough conversations
more often your whole life changes
like your entire life changes and things
just start coming to you because it’s
all about understanding that we are all
so different
we’re bringing in a million different
things from our past and we’re bringing
it into this moment right now we don’t
even know it like everything I’m
perceiving about you is because of what
I’ve perceived from my past and it’s not
until I realized how I feel if some
things are blocked with me that you
would ever even know ever even know that
you know maybe maybe tall men scare me
sure for real women it does and I’m just
being honest yeah they don’t scare me
but I’m just saying like anything simple
like that that we’re bringing into the
moment and there’s so many things you
know layers that we don’t even realize
we’re showing up as or we’re carrying or
carrying with us that is blocking yeah a
connection if you’re not speaking the
idea of having tough conversations you
know this reflects even in business for
all of us it’s like we’re scared to have
these tough conversations we’re scared
to hurt people we’re scared to say how
we feel because we could really you know
what if we’re not friends anymore we
think that we’re supposed to have these
friends and they’re supposed to be our
life long friends and that’s a huge that
is a huge different powering belief as
well
padeen you gotta hold on to or something
that maybe is 10 20 years outdated
I don’t know long serves either of you
yes I mean I can’t tell you the amount
of women who are like yeah but these are
the women who I grew up with and I was
in a sorority with them like you’re
never gonna move forward you’re carrying
all of them back here and you’re
evolving and becoming a new person like
every single day if we’re doing it right
we should have someone say to us you
know you’ve changed like yeah oh yeah
I’m growing I don’t want to become a
different person and I think we’re
dragging all of these people behind us
we’re dragging all of these stories and
all of this stuff and we’re showing up
and we’re exhausted and we’re trying to
meet each other and like oh my god
that’s in the women who are maybe doing
the work or who are really ready to
connect if you’re carrying all that
they’re not ready to connect with all of that either
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