if you ask a disagreeable person what he wants, say
or she wants, they’ll tell you right away, they go like “this is what I want
and this is how I’m gonna get it”
but agreable people, specially if they’re really agreeable are so agreable
that they often don’t even know what they want. cause they’re soo
acostummed to living for other people and to finding out
what other people want and to make them comfortable and so forth that is harder
for to find a sense of their own desires
as they move through life, and that’s not
look, there’s situations where that’s advantageous, but it’s
certainly not advantageous if you’re going to
ah, forge yourself a career
that just doesn’t work at all, and so, even though
on average men and women don’t, (this, don’t)
aren’t that much different in terms of their levels of agreableness by the group
if you go out and you look at the extremes they are very different
so all of the most agreable people are women and all of the most
disagreable people are men, and the thing is the extremes
are often what matters rather than what is in the middle
and so one of the ways that’s reflected in society, by the way is
there’s way more men in prisson
and the best personality predictor of being in prissoned
is to be low in agreableness, it makes you callous
now you may think “well what’s the opposite of compassion en politeness?”
and the answer to that is,
I think it’s best sort of conceptualized as a, as a
trading game, so let’s say that
we’re going to play repeated trading games, and if you’re
very agreeable, then you’re gonna bargain
harder on my behalf than you’re gonna bargain on my owm behalf
where as if you’re disagreable you’re gonna do the reverse. You’re gonna think
I’m in this trading game for me and you’re gonna take care
of your own interest, where an agreable person is gonna say “no, no”
“at best,this is…
at worst this has to be 50/50, but I’d like to help you every way I can”.
One of the things you have to be carefull of if you’re agreable
is not to be exploited, because you’ll line up
to be exploited. And I think the reason for that is because
you’re wired to be exploited by infants.
And so, that just doesn’t work in the actual wolrd and
and one the things that happens very often in psychotherapy
you know, people come to psychotherapy for multiple reasons
but one of them is because they often come because there’re too agreable.
and so what they get is so called “Assertiveness
trainning”
or she wants, they’ll tell you right away, they go like “this is what I want
and this is how I’m gonna get it”
but agreable people, specially if they’re really agreeable are so agreable
that they often don’t even know what they want. cause they’re soo
acostummed to living for other people and to finding out
what other people want and to make them comfortable and so forth that is harder
for to find a sense of their own desires
as they move through life, and that’s not
look, there’s situations where that’s advantageous, but it’s
certainly not advantageous if you’re going to
ah, forge yourself a career
that just doesn’t work at all, and so, even though
on average men and women don’t, (this, don’t)
aren’t that much different in terms of their levels of agreableness by the group
if you go out and you look at the extremes they are very different
so all of the most agreable people are women and all of the most
disagreable people are men, and the thing is the extremes
are often what matters rather than what is in the middle
and so one of the ways that’s reflected in society, by the way is
there’s way more men in prisson
and the best personality predictor of being in prissoned
is to be low in agreableness, it makes you callous
now you may think “well what’s the opposite of compassion en politeness?”
and the answer to that is,
I think it’s best sort of conceptualized as a, as a
trading game, so let’s say that
we’re going to play repeated trading games, and if you’re
very agreeable, then you’re gonna bargain
harder on my behalf than you’re gonna bargain on my owm behalf
where as if you’re disagreable you’re gonna do the reverse. You’re gonna think
I’m in this trading game for me and you’re gonna take care
of your own interest, where an agreable person is gonna say “no, no”
“at best,this is…
at worst this has to be 50/50, but I’d like to help you every way I can”.
One of the things you have to be carefull of if you’re agreable
is not to be exploited, because you’ll line up
to be exploited. And I think the reason for that is because
you’re wired to be exploited by infants.
And so, that just doesn’t work in the actual wolrd and
and one the things that happens very often in psychotherapy
you know, people come to psychotherapy for multiple reasons
but one of them is because they often come because there’re too agreable.
and so what they get is so called “Assertiveness
trainning”
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