this evening we’re gonna be looking at
how to get unstuck I think some of you
know what I mean
sometimes we have to ask ourselves
what’s using my life
the curta guy give a lecture one time
that says we are today what we were win
and he was talking about the fact that
we to a great extent behave think react
because of some previous experience that
we’ve had one of the things that we know
about life is that it is always changing
sometimes you’re up sometimes you’re
down sometimes things go real well and
sometimes they don’t sometimes you’re
happy and sometimes you said now that’s
that thing called life and when we begin
to understand and know that accepting
that reality that that we will never
ever have things just on an even keel
all the time but you’re gonna have some
ups and you’re gonna have some downs but
during those down moments that’s where
the growth takes place that’s where the
work is anybody can feel good when they
have their health their bills are paid
they have happy relationships the
children are acting normal
business is successful anybody could be
positive then anybody can have a larger
vision then anybody can have faith under
those kinds of circumstances am I
correct
see but the real challenge the real
challenge of growth mentally emotionally
and spiritually comes when you get
knocked down somebody said that that
adversity introduces a man to himself or
woman how you handle it
that’s where the growth takes place when
I was facing some challenges I had a guy
say something to me and I suggest this
is one of the first things that you want
to do when you’re facing a challenge you
want to get unstuck evaluate where you
are look at it assess yourself assess
yourself and assess the situation what
brought you there what role did you play
the role nightingale had a saying I like
you said all of us are self-made but
only the successful will admit it what
has brought you to this point what did
you learn from it are you learning
anything are you doing it over and over
and over again somebody said that
insanity is doing the same thing in the
same way expecting a different outcome
are you going through it or are you
growing through it are you bigger and
better because of it because it’s not
going to leave you until you grow
through it I was going through a major
challenge in my life that was wearing me
out that was using me and one of my
students told me in a class that I was
teaching lessons in truth she said less
until you handle it with grace it will
stay in your face and it stayed there
long time the challenges of life how do
we get it how do we get stuck a friend
of mine went through a divorce my best
friend he had a wife that did not love
him as much as he loved her it was this
first real true love he was a very
religious man did not believe in divorce
he made a mistake
and he paid for his mistake with a lot
of pain a lot of tears and they came to
a point where he knew he should have got
a divorce but he was stuck he was stuck
in something called revenge he said
she’s made me so miserable I’m gonna pay
her back
he was stuck and he stayed in there
longer than he should have because it
began to us attack him it began to
affect him psychologically
and as a result of that would eventually
did get a divorce he took that same
attitude to other relationships looking
for something to go wrong he was burned
so badly he did not want to risk pain
again he was going in relationships
trying to avoid pain when it became too
close he would do something to make sure
the relationship did not work he would
always try and find something wrong with
the person because there are no perfect
people so if you look for it you can
find it he was stuck in revenge another
friend of mine working on a job loved
the company very much expected to retire
there and one day they called him in the
office ask him for his badge and
identification to all the security man
up walked into his desk told him he was
fired and he had to leave then he was
devastated and if you came anywhere near
him he will tell you his story as we all
have stories even when he got a job he
went on the job telling anybody who
would listen how they fired him unjustly
and he always ended with it wasn’t fair
life isn’t fair life just is it’s not
fair that birds eat worms and they do
so we can’t even deal with what’s fair
but he’s stuck in the fact that it’s not
fair I don’t deserve that they were
wrong I used to be a state legislator in
Columbus Ohio during the break we used
to go out on the front lawn of the Ohio
legislature and the Capitol there and
observe people as they came by there was
one particular person that all of us
knew the children adults everybody used
to pick at him when he came by we called
him chicken man
he had a feather in his hat he had a toy
chicken on top of his car that he would
drive around the area in downtown
blinking his lights and occasionally
blowing his horn when he got out of his
car he would dry he would walk down town
with a baby carriage with two little
baby dolls in there and a picture of a
woman and when you say something to him
I came near him you would hear him
making the sounds of a chicken all of us
used to laugh at chicken man we didn’t
know chicken man’s story chicken man
woke up one morning around 3:00 a.m. and
his house was on fire
he panic and he got out of the window
and left quickly only to get outside to
hear his children and his wife screaming
for help he ran back to the door to go
in to save them and the flames were too
hot too awesome he tried to get in he
couldn’t get in he was desperate frantic
pretty soon the cries stopped they
perish in the fire his brother-in-law
came found out that his sister had died
and his nieces in the fire grabbed
chicken man and start beating him you
chicken why did you save my sister your
chicken your chicken when the people
pulled it off chicken man they picked
him up and said are you all right and
chicken man look at him and he started
making the sounds of the chicken he
never ever overcame that tragedy he will
stop from that experience none of us
knew what chicken man went wrong with
this picture and these little dolls
I remember when I was stuck in anger for
a long time when I made a commitment to
my adopted mother that I was going to
purchase her a home I’ll never forget
the experience of working real hard to
get the money for the down payment so
when he told me of a beautiful home and
exclusive area of Miami I went to see it
took my mother there and she said yes I
want it there’s on the water we went to
the closing my attorney said less have
you had a title search I said what’s a
title search well you just take a couple
of days to check it out and make sure
there are no liens against the property
that you might have to pay if you buy
this home the guy who was there selling
me the house he said listen he said the
only reason that I’m selling you this
house and selling it at a loss is
because I admire the fact that you want
to purchase this house for your mother I
have another guy who will give me
substantially more money but I like you
and I’ve got to get back to Philadelphia
now if we cannot consummate this deal
now then the deal is off
I said there are no liens against the
property he says no of course not
I looked at my attorney I said I believe
him I’ll sign she said mr. Brian I’m not
questioning his honesty she said but
business is business I signed that
contract and we had a big celebration
everybody in the neighborhood was
talking about Leslie coming home one of
the twins that made me adopt it to buy
her home Charl isn’t that nice God is
going to bless him
a few weeks later I received a letter a
registered letter indicating that the
house was going up for sheriff sale on
the courthouse steps a man had filed a
$12,000 lien against the property
because the previous owner old him that
money and if I did not come up with
$12,000 in 30 days he was going to sell
the house to the highest bidder I called
this man and said mister my name is les
Rana I purchased this house I had
nothing to do with your prior bill apply
bill bill he said that’s not my problem
he said you should have had a title
search I said can you give me time I
said my mother is an older lady she has
a bad heart and I said please I said if
you just give me the time I don’t know
how I’m gonna do it with the house note
and everything else but I think I can
pay you at least $2,000 a month and
within six months somehow I will pay
your money he said no I wanted all in 30
days so you get out I did everything I
could
rack my mind thinking about how I could
get $12,000 because I took everything I
could to get the money just for the down
payment and the closing I finally had to
face the reality that I wasn’t going to
be able to do it I was up around two
o’clock in the morning walking back and
forth thinking how was I going to tell
my mother this my children were there in
the room sleeping all night long I
agonized over this I lost over 23 pounds
pretty soon I went in the room where my
mother was sleeping and I said mama I
got down on my knees by the bed I said
mama I gotta talk to you and she said
what’s wrong I said mama I said we got
to get out the house I said in my haste
to buy the house I made a mistake
she said that’s all right baby I didn’t
like this house any huh
I said mama you told me you loved it I
brought our friends out here to sit she
said you know I have arthritis in my
knees and I don’t like going up the
steps but I knew it made you happy you
loved it so much I said mom I’ve lost 23
pounds agonizing over this well we had
to pack up and go back to the old house
down the street from Northwestern High
School in Liberty City all those
neighbors who came out and saw his lead
those neighbors were there as we were
coming back we went in the house the
roaches were playing cards saying come
on in and take a hand
I was wiped out I was embarrassed and
humiliated words cannot encompass the
symbolism of what I felt I remember when
I was unloading the furniture now I
began to cry my sister came by hmm you
know you didn’t have any money to buy no
house mr. big time hadn’t given me a
quarter you know mama got a bad heart
now you’re back where you belong
as I was crying with my head down taking
furniture and my momma said hold your
head up I said mama I said I just feel
so bad about this mama she said hold
your head up and dry your tears you have
nothing to be shame up and I did as we
unloaded that furniture in that house
for several weeks I was numb
I was immobilized with anger if I had
seen that guy I was taking about flying
to Philadelphia I had all kind of dreams
about him and I don’t want to get this
guy here hitting would have been too
good for him I just want to just grab
him and just bite him just
I just may have found him they say well
we found us got just chewing on it
[Laughter]
beating would have been too good for him
I’ve been like a Doberman Pinscher yes
the guard wouldn’t say I thought I made
everything but I don’t know where this
came from I was reading the book on
forgiveness and they had a lot of that
says forgive and grow I had to let that
luggage go you see your mind is you know
you’re going to a service station to get
gas you don’t go in there and just stop
pumping when you push the lever up it
clears the previous bill by the same
token if you want to begin to move
you’ve got to clear your mind of all the
unnecessary luggage and baggage that’s
weighing us down I couldn’t move I
couldn’t think about what am I going to
do to get out of this situation because
I was so concerned about what happened
and what he did to me and how bad it was
I was sold stuck in that I couldn’t even
focus on what I should have done feeling
sorry for myself and angry and none of
that was taking me anywhere so pretty
soon I I learned through effort made a
conscious deliberate determined effort I
had to let it go I had to forgive it let
it go and begin to focus on developing
myself and I say to you you’re gonna
have people to do things to you things
are going to happen to you and the most
important thing to do is to harness your
will and let it go and move so you can
grow so you can get on with your life it
doesn’t matter about what happens to you
what matters is what are you going to do
about it what are you going to do now
less huh how long do you want to tell
everybody at the bus stop in anybody who
would stand and listen to you
how long you repeat the same thing over
and over and over and over and over
again how many times do we have to hear
that don’t go out telling people what
your story is everybody has a story
eighty percent don’t care and 20 percent
glad it’s you
[Applause]
it’s not glad that didn’t happen to
beach sometimes you think you got some
problems you hear somebody else problem
and the problem is real bad it make you
feel good
tried to let that go all of us got
stories to tell chicken man
allowed his tragedy to destroy his life
all of us have experienced some tragedy
if we haven’t we will and you can either
let it destroy your life or you can
build upon it you can permit it to let
you to let it hold you down or you can
decide I’m not going to let that happen
to me I’m bigger than this make a
declaration to yourself declare all-out
war that you’re going to get out of this
rut I don’t care how good you are until
I care how talented you are I don’t care
how much you work on yourself there are
some times when things aren’t going to
go right they just I’m not going to go
right there are times with anything that
can’t happen will happen Murphy’s Law
will be knocking at your door
Wow I don’t know why that’s called life
and you have to deal with it sometimes
your life will be in a slump just like
sports some of the best shooters can’t
hit baskets different times and games
they get in a slump do they sit on the
sidelines and say you digest did hit a
basket today no they continue to execute
I suggest to you that if you are facing
a challenge don’t stop
stay busy work your plan continue to do
those things that you know that work for
you after you have evaluated yourself in
the situation continue to move stay busy
stay busy stay busy
repeat after me help somebody and help
yourself because what you give
is what you get find somebody that you
can help so you can forget about you for
a moment see sometimes the best thing to
do is to be sometimes you have to just
back up and go within yourself a bow and
arrow you you can’t take a bow and just
push it out an hour you just can’t push
the air all out you have to pull it back
and then release it sometimes you have
to back up and go within and try and
meditate and recharge your batteries go
away clear your head and then come back
and look at it from a different vantage
point don’t operate while you are under
the spell of the effect of what’s going
on next thing is that you’ve got to
activate the thinker in you don’t allow
your emotions to control you we are
emotional but you want to begin to
discipline your emotion if you don’t
discipline and contain your emotions
they will use you your mind goes on
automatic just like a guard you know I
loved reading the book call has a man
take it by James Allen he uses the
analogy of the mind being like a garden
you know weeds don’t have to have any
encouragement to grow you don’t have to
water them they don’t have to get
sunshine they don’t have to have fur
ground they will grow through the cracks
of a sidewalk am i right but if you want
to grow orchids or roses or any kind of
exotic flowers there are special
processes and procedures you must go
through we’re by the same token you
don’t have to force yourself or motivate
yourself to think negatively to be
depressed to hate somebody to want
revenge you want to get back at somebody
to beat yourself up over the head to
feel loaded with guilt you don’t have to
make any effort to do that your mind is
on automatic it will do that by itself
but if you want to begin to move into
your own personal greatness if you want
to begin to really enjoy a happy
successful healthy life you’ve got to be
willing to go against the tide you’ve
got to be willing to harness your will
and say in spite of this I’m in control
here I’m not gonna let this get me down
I’m not gonna let this destroy me I’m
coming back and I’ll be stronger and
better because of it you have got to
make a declaration this is what you
stand for you’re standing up for your
dreams you’re standing up for peace of
mind you’re standing up for health you
want it and you’re gonna go all out to
have it it’s not going to be easy when
you want to change it’s not easy if it
were in fact easy everybody to do it but
if you’re serious you’ll go all out yes
I’m going to turn this situation around
I’m not gonna sit back and moan and cry
over what happened and what went wrong
and who did what I’m going to do
something about this situation the next
thing that is important is that expect
things to get better for you because
they are their life is cyclic you’re not
what is it whatever experience you’re
having right now it has not come to stay
it has come to pass not to stay just to
pass it’s just going through the biggest
challenge is is to know what’s happening
this is a part of this thing we call
life this too shall pass and maintaining
perspective putting it in perspective I
was doing the training at a college and
it was a two-day training during
orientation and in the training that I
provide I’m a motivational speaker but I
conduct processes and personal dynamics
where people begin to go through changes
that stimulate the right and left
hemisphere of the brain enable them to
see themselves differently I conducted
this particular simulation with these
young kids 17 and 18 years of age so
that they would begin to see how they
make decisions of how they would survive
in this particular simulation
process we gave them we had them to do
it individually and then collectively
over 30% of them wrote down as their
first option in order to survive they
would commit suicide first thing they
wrote down suicide among young people
has increased 300% over 5,000 will
successfully take their lives this year
why why did he do that
they defensive I was so shocked I said
what do you mean well at least we would
not suffer and then they had the nerve
to write down all of the other things
they were going to do after they
committed suicide
I said listen Dumbo no when you when you
come up with a permanent solution for a
temporary problem
that’s it game’s over that’s it you’re
not going to do anything anybody wrote
suicide at the top you can put your
pencil down see a lot of us because of
our limited vision of ourselves a lot of
us who begin to focus on problems and
enable them to overwhelm us we begin to
think that we have no options we begin
to believe that there’s no way out
repeat after me there’s always a way
where there’s a will there’s a way
shake somebody’s hand on your right or
left and say I’m unstoppable
[Applause]
you’ve got to make those kind of
declarations to yourself
I’m stoppable this will not get me down
and if I get knocked down I’m gonna be
like Leo Pascal you said you’re gonna
have some low moments in life but when
you do you will have high lows but your
work on yourself what are some of those
things that you can do during this
period of time go for walks do some
things for you just go for a stroll so
you can engage in some reflective
thinking on life on yourself looking and
enjoying the universe smelling the roses
along the way listen to upbeat music
music that inspires you I have only but
goodies I have strategies that I engage
in to recharge my batteries I’m
preparing for that because I know things
are going to happen that I cannot
anticipate very good friend of mine died
the other day I had a program for myself
I have books that I read that inspire me
tapes that I listen to that fire me up
because you’re gonna have sometimes
little moments when you won’t want to
get out of bed you just want to stay
there at times you won’t want to come
out of the house the times you’ll be
feeling bad and don’t know why what’s
wrong I don’t know just leave me alone
what did that happen I don’t know it’s
called life
the other thing is take full
responsibility for your life except
where you are and the responsibility
that you’re going to take yourself where
you want to go so once that we have two
primary choices in life we can either
accept conditions as they exist or we
can take the responsibility to change
them see a lot of people want to exempt
themselves from taking responsibility
all they want to do is talk about the
problem every time you see them they’ll
tell you their story over and over and
over and over again no no you want to
take responsibility for your life
I got me here I can get me out of this
and I’m getting out I’m not going to be
a volunteer victim George Bernard Shaw
said there are two kinds of people in
life you know he said those that make
things happen those that watch things
happen and those that don’t know what
happened and he said the people to get
alone in this life look around for the
circumstances that they want and if they
can’t find them they make up they
creator so part of beginning to get
unstuck you’ve got to decide that the
behavior pattern that you have adopted
doesn’t work for you you’ve got to
change your strategies and changing your
strategy means reinventing your life
recreating you and you have the power to
do that you can decide that you’re going
to change that you’re not going to be a
wimp
you can decide that you’re going to
stand up to life
you can decide that I’m gonna live each
day as if it were my last you can you
have the power to make that decision
you can decide I’m gonna work on myself
and develop myself I’m going to empower
me and all of these things that are
happening to me right now they’re just
temporary inconveniences they’re not
stronger than I am I’m in charge here
next thing is separate what you do from
who you are that’s what the guilt trap
is about see a lot of folks won’t let
you forget what you used to do or what
you have done what mistakes you’ve made
all of us have made some risk mistakes
in life all of us have done some things
that if we had them to do over again we
wouldn’t do it again a lot of things
that if I had it to do over again if I
knew then what I know now I would have
done it differently well it did happen
that way and that’s what you call life I
didn’t do it like that oh you don’t want
me to live that down how you want to
keep on putting that in my face about
what I did guess what I’m not interested
that’s what I did fit won’t do it today
so you were picking on an innocent man
hello
so as you in the process of reinventing
your life write a description of the
kind of person that you want to be what
are the things that you must overcome
what qualities about your personality
you know that you’re going to have to
change because those particular
characteristics are liabilities to you
what are your assets what are your
strong points look at and evaluating
yourself to make that determination
other thing is that in order to get out
of a rut we need some coaching find some
trusted critics people that you don’t
care about you love you some things that
keeps us from growing and getting out of
ruts number one we identify with
feedback we take it personal when
someone want to give us some feedback on
where we are falling short you tell us
about our blind spots we want to have
everything being positive about us we’re
not perfect it’s it hurts I have a
friend who was a trusted critic I don’t
like him but I love him he doesn’t tell
me the things I want to hear he tell me
what I need to hear so I can grow it
hurts it hurts when he put me on the hot
seat I can’t stand it
but that’s the only way that I can grow
and I’m glad that he loves me enough to
risk our friendship to tell me what I
need to hear not what I want to hear get
a support group somebody that you can
talk to people who perhaps might have a
similar problem support groups are very
powerful that you can share some of the
challenges that you’re going through and
it might be a situation where one person
can give you an idea of how they handle
that situation and create an opening for
you begin to stimulate some
possibilities in your mind on how you
can resolve the problem we can’t grow by
ourselves as I mentioned before we grow
from people and projects the other thing
is about life when things happen to you
when you permit things to use you you
can’t change the past but you can
interpret you can reinterpret how you
see it for years I was going around with
a heavy load on my shoulders feeling bad
because I was adopted doing interviews
for adoption agencies in foster homes
and I was on television once and I told
these people in this particular
interview that I was given away my twin
brother and I when we were six weeks of
age friend of mine fortunately was
listening to the program and she said
les like to have lunch with you and so I
went over to see her she said when a
woman cares a baby for nine months
feeling that life movement in her it’s
automatic and natural for her to learn
to love that baby to expect it to come
here when she bares to pain to bring it
into the world
your mother Mamie Brown when she came in
to adopt you guys she didn’t go through
that process she looked at whoever your
biological mother was and said I’ll take
her you are giving away less you were
chosen with love
[Applause]
same circumstances same event but
reinterpreted an interpretation that
empowers me am I making sense to you so
when you begin to look at your past give
an interpretation that empowers you
that’s where it used to be that’s not
where I am now I’m growing now I want
you to think about in your mind right
now think about some particular event or
act in your life that you feel very bad
about but you really regret that that
took place if you had to do over again
you would do it differently with that
there I want you to see yourself in your
mind’s eye and say to yourself I love
myself unconditionally and I forgive
myself
I knew better I would have done better
I want you to think about somebody that
that cost you some pain cost you some
disappointment somebody that you don’t
like let me tell you something about the
mind how it uses you tell you something
super stupid that I’d used to do do you
know for years I hated my mother and my
father whoever they were because they
gave me away as I thought at that point
in time and guess what I didn’t have any
faces for the hatred because I never saw
either one of them and I said I hate
them for that and then once I forgave
them and said it’s okay
had they not given me away I would have
never been blessed to have the mother
that I have who to me is the greatest
mother in the world so the universe and
Foles as it’s you but when I went
through this process saying forgive them
I remember in my mind as I was trying to
picture these people I had two
individuals in my mind standing there
with no faces because I didn’t know how
they look but I released that I let that
luggage go think about somebody that
you’ve hurt somebody that you’ve
disappointed either deliberately or
inadvertently or someone that has hurt
you deliberately or inadvertently think
about them somebody that that you really
really when you think about them they’re
the room turns red
look at them in your mind’s eye and say
I forgive you I forgive you
unconditionally for that’s a heavy load
to let off when I thought about that guy
I said wait a minute
I can’t no no you don’t know what this
guy did this was my mama you don’t know
what we went through my students said
les forgive let it go if you want to be
forgiven you better forgive somebody
none of us are perfect all of us have
made some mistakes and it wasn’t easy
it’s not easy forgiving am i right it’s
not everybody won’t forgive they say I
forgive but I don’t forget now let it go
so you can grow let’s get a little
demonstration here throw it up through
the wall on this side here right
demonstrate it like this let’s go I
throw away negative thoughts revenge
guilt
anything that’s been holding me back now
with that right hand let’s bring
something in bring in love
peace of mind good relationships whole
lot of money I don’t know why people
raise their voices always they hold on
I mean they get serious – you know they
that usually people are you run it I use
two hands it
they tried ball somebody else’s head
reinterpreting our past understanding
and knowing that we can move from where
we are that we can begin to design the
kind of life that empowers us that gives
us happiness that enable us to be on top
of who we are knowing that as we begin
to explore new horizons and new vistas
in life that as we begin to to focus on
developing ourselves as we begin to
elevate ourselves and not to follow the
crowd activating the thinker in us and
dis disciplining and putting on hold the
emotional part of ourselves it’s not
easy but through practice and practice
and practice practice makes what
absolutely not dismantle that belief
system
practice makes improvement you can
always better your best you can always
go beyond anything that you have ever
done you never hit a state of perfection
you’re always bigger than what you do
and so all you’re looking for new
breakthroughs through practice and
practice and practice you’ll get better
and better and better and there’s still
some things that will happen to you that
will catch you on the blindside that you
did not anticipate you get knocked down
but you won’t be knocked out you’ll be
able to get to your feet again beyond
the ropes but you have a fast recovery
rate when you work on yourself
how to get unstuck I think some of you
know what I mean
sometimes we have to ask ourselves
what’s using my life
the curta guy give a lecture one time
that says we are today what we were win
and he was talking about the fact that
we to a great extent behave think react
because of some previous experience that
we’ve had one of the things that we know
about life is that it is always changing
sometimes you’re up sometimes you’re
down sometimes things go real well and
sometimes they don’t sometimes you’re
happy and sometimes you said now that’s
that thing called life and when we begin
to understand and know that accepting
that reality that that we will never
ever have things just on an even keel
all the time but you’re gonna have some
ups and you’re gonna have some downs but
during those down moments that’s where
the growth takes place that’s where the
work is anybody can feel good when they
have their health their bills are paid
they have happy relationships the
children are acting normal
business is successful anybody could be
positive then anybody can have a larger
vision then anybody can have faith under
those kinds of circumstances am I
correct
see but the real challenge the real
challenge of growth mentally emotionally
and spiritually comes when you get
knocked down somebody said that that
adversity introduces a man to himself or
woman how you handle it
that’s where the growth takes place when
I was facing some challenges I had a guy
say something to me and I suggest this
is one of the first things that you want
to do when you’re facing a challenge you
want to get unstuck evaluate where you
are look at it assess yourself assess
yourself and assess the situation what
brought you there what role did you play
the role nightingale had a saying I like
you said all of us are self-made but
only the successful will admit it what
has brought you to this point what did
you learn from it are you learning
anything are you doing it over and over
and over again somebody said that
insanity is doing the same thing in the
same way expecting a different outcome
are you going through it or are you
growing through it are you bigger and
better because of it because it’s not
going to leave you until you grow
through it I was going through a major
challenge in my life that was wearing me
out that was using me and one of my
students told me in a class that I was
teaching lessons in truth she said less
until you handle it with grace it will
stay in your face and it stayed there
long time the challenges of life how do
we get it how do we get stuck a friend
of mine went through a divorce my best
friend he had a wife that did not love
him as much as he loved her it was this
first real true love he was a very
religious man did not believe in divorce
he made a mistake
and he paid for his mistake with a lot
of pain a lot of tears and they came to
a point where he knew he should have got
a divorce but he was stuck he was stuck
in something called revenge he said
she’s made me so miserable I’m gonna pay
her back
he was stuck and he stayed in there
longer than he should have because it
began to us attack him it began to
affect him psychologically
and as a result of that would eventually
did get a divorce he took that same
attitude to other relationships looking
for something to go wrong he was burned
so badly he did not want to risk pain
again he was going in relationships
trying to avoid pain when it became too
close he would do something to make sure
the relationship did not work he would
always try and find something wrong with
the person because there are no perfect
people so if you look for it you can
find it he was stuck in revenge another
friend of mine working on a job loved
the company very much expected to retire
there and one day they called him in the
office ask him for his badge and
identification to all the security man
up walked into his desk told him he was
fired and he had to leave then he was
devastated and if you came anywhere near
him he will tell you his story as we all
have stories even when he got a job he
went on the job telling anybody who
would listen how they fired him unjustly
and he always ended with it wasn’t fair
life isn’t fair life just is it’s not
fair that birds eat worms and they do
so we can’t even deal with what’s fair
but he’s stuck in the fact that it’s not
fair I don’t deserve that they were
wrong I used to be a state legislator in
Columbus Ohio during the break we used
to go out on the front lawn of the Ohio
legislature and the Capitol there and
observe people as they came by there was
one particular person that all of us
knew the children adults everybody used
to pick at him when he came by we called
him chicken man
he had a feather in his hat he had a toy
chicken on top of his car that he would
drive around the area in downtown
blinking his lights and occasionally
blowing his horn when he got out of his
car he would dry he would walk down town
with a baby carriage with two little
baby dolls in there and a picture of a
woman and when you say something to him
I came near him you would hear him
making the sounds of a chicken all of us
used to laugh at chicken man we didn’t
know chicken man’s story chicken man
woke up one morning around 3:00 a.m. and
his house was on fire
he panic and he got out of the window
and left quickly only to get outside to
hear his children and his wife screaming
for help he ran back to the door to go
in to save them and the flames were too
hot too awesome he tried to get in he
couldn’t get in he was desperate frantic
pretty soon the cries stopped they
perish in the fire his brother-in-law
came found out that his sister had died
and his nieces in the fire grabbed
chicken man and start beating him you
chicken why did you save my sister your
chicken your chicken when the people
pulled it off chicken man they picked
him up and said are you all right and
chicken man look at him and he started
making the sounds of the chicken he
never ever overcame that tragedy he will
stop from that experience none of us
knew what chicken man went wrong with
this picture and these little dolls
I remember when I was stuck in anger for
a long time when I made a commitment to
my adopted mother that I was going to
purchase her a home I’ll never forget
the experience of working real hard to
get the money for the down payment so
when he told me of a beautiful home and
exclusive area of Miami I went to see it
took my mother there and she said yes I
want it there’s on the water we went to
the closing my attorney said less have
you had a title search I said what’s a
title search well you just take a couple
of days to check it out and make sure
there are no liens against the property
that you might have to pay if you buy
this home the guy who was there selling
me the house he said listen he said the
only reason that I’m selling you this
house and selling it at a loss is
because I admire the fact that you want
to purchase this house for your mother I
have another guy who will give me
substantially more money but I like you
and I’ve got to get back to Philadelphia
now if we cannot consummate this deal
now then the deal is off
I said there are no liens against the
property he says no of course not
I looked at my attorney I said I believe
him I’ll sign she said mr. Brian I’m not
questioning his honesty she said but
business is business I signed that
contract and we had a big celebration
everybody in the neighborhood was
talking about Leslie coming home one of
the twins that made me adopt it to buy
her home Charl isn’t that nice God is
going to bless him
a few weeks later I received a letter a
registered letter indicating that the
house was going up for sheriff sale on
the courthouse steps a man had filed a
$12,000 lien against the property
because the previous owner old him that
money and if I did not come up with
$12,000 in 30 days he was going to sell
the house to the highest bidder I called
this man and said mister my name is les
Rana I purchased this house I had
nothing to do with your prior bill apply
bill bill he said that’s not my problem
he said you should have had a title
search I said can you give me time I
said my mother is an older lady she has
a bad heart and I said please I said if
you just give me the time I don’t know
how I’m gonna do it with the house note
and everything else but I think I can
pay you at least $2,000 a month and
within six months somehow I will pay
your money he said no I wanted all in 30
days so you get out I did everything I
could
rack my mind thinking about how I could
get $12,000 because I took everything I
could to get the money just for the down
payment and the closing I finally had to
face the reality that I wasn’t going to
be able to do it I was up around two
o’clock in the morning walking back and
forth thinking how was I going to tell
my mother this my children were there in
the room sleeping all night long I
agonized over this I lost over 23 pounds
pretty soon I went in the room where my
mother was sleeping and I said mama I
got down on my knees by the bed I said
mama I gotta talk to you and she said
what’s wrong I said mama I said we got
to get out the house I said in my haste
to buy the house I made a mistake
she said that’s all right baby I didn’t
like this house any huh
I said mama you told me you loved it I
brought our friends out here to sit she
said you know I have arthritis in my
knees and I don’t like going up the
steps but I knew it made you happy you
loved it so much I said mom I’ve lost 23
pounds agonizing over this well we had
to pack up and go back to the old house
down the street from Northwestern High
School in Liberty City all those
neighbors who came out and saw his lead
those neighbors were there as we were
coming back we went in the house the
roaches were playing cards saying come
on in and take a hand
I was wiped out I was embarrassed and
humiliated words cannot encompass the
symbolism of what I felt I remember when
I was unloading the furniture now I
began to cry my sister came by hmm you
know you didn’t have any money to buy no
house mr. big time hadn’t given me a
quarter you know mama got a bad heart
now you’re back where you belong
as I was crying with my head down taking
furniture and my momma said hold your
head up I said mama I said I just feel
so bad about this mama she said hold
your head up and dry your tears you have
nothing to be shame up and I did as we
unloaded that furniture in that house
for several weeks I was numb
I was immobilized with anger if I had
seen that guy I was taking about flying
to Philadelphia I had all kind of dreams
about him and I don’t want to get this
guy here hitting would have been too
good for him I just want to just grab
him and just bite him just
I just may have found him they say well
we found us got just chewing on it
[Laughter]
beating would have been too good for him
I’ve been like a Doberman Pinscher yes
the guard wouldn’t say I thought I made
everything but I don’t know where this
came from I was reading the book on
forgiveness and they had a lot of that
says forgive and grow I had to let that
luggage go you see your mind is you know
you’re going to a service station to get
gas you don’t go in there and just stop
pumping when you push the lever up it
clears the previous bill by the same
token if you want to begin to move
you’ve got to clear your mind of all the
unnecessary luggage and baggage that’s
weighing us down I couldn’t move I
couldn’t think about what am I going to
do to get out of this situation because
I was so concerned about what happened
and what he did to me and how bad it was
I was sold stuck in that I couldn’t even
focus on what I should have done feeling
sorry for myself and angry and none of
that was taking me anywhere so pretty
soon I I learned through effort made a
conscious deliberate determined effort I
had to let it go I had to forgive it let
it go and begin to focus on developing
myself and I say to you you’re gonna
have people to do things to you things
are going to happen to you and the most
important thing to do is to harness your
will and let it go and move so you can
grow so you can get on with your life it
doesn’t matter about what happens to you
what matters is what are you going to do
about it what are you going to do now
less huh how long do you want to tell
everybody at the bus stop in anybody who
would stand and listen to you
how long you repeat the same thing over
and over and over and over and over
again how many times do we have to hear
that don’t go out telling people what
your story is everybody has a story
eighty percent don’t care and 20 percent
glad it’s you
[Applause]
it’s not glad that didn’t happen to
beach sometimes you think you got some
problems you hear somebody else problem
and the problem is real bad it make you
feel good
tried to let that go all of us got
stories to tell chicken man
allowed his tragedy to destroy his life
all of us have experienced some tragedy
if we haven’t we will and you can either
let it destroy your life or you can
build upon it you can permit it to let
you to let it hold you down or you can
decide I’m not going to let that happen
to me I’m bigger than this make a
declaration to yourself declare all-out
war that you’re going to get out of this
rut I don’t care how good you are until
I care how talented you are I don’t care
how much you work on yourself there are
some times when things aren’t going to
go right they just I’m not going to go
right there are times with anything that
can’t happen will happen Murphy’s Law
will be knocking at your door
Wow I don’t know why that’s called life
and you have to deal with it sometimes
your life will be in a slump just like
sports some of the best shooters can’t
hit baskets different times and games
they get in a slump do they sit on the
sidelines and say you digest did hit a
basket today no they continue to execute
I suggest to you that if you are facing
a challenge don’t stop
stay busy work your plan continue to do
those things that you know that work for
you after you have evaluated yourself in
the situation continue to move stay busy
stay busy stay busy
repeat after me help somebody and help
yourself because what you give
is what you get find somebody that you
can help so you can forget about you for
a moment see sometimes the best thing to
do is to be sometimes you have to just
back up and go within yourself a bow and
arrow you you can’t take a bow and just
push it out an hour you just can’t push
the air all out you have to pull it back
and then release it sometimes you have
to back up and go within and try and
meditate and recharge your batteries go
away clear your head and then come back
and look at it from a different vantage
point don’t operate while you are under
the spell of the effect of what’s going
on next thing is that you’ve got to
activate the thinker in you don’t allow
your emotions to control you we are
emotional but you want to begin to
discipline your emotion if you don’t
discipline and contain your emotions
they will use you your mind goes on
automatic just like a guard you know I
loved reading the book call has a man
take it by James Allen he uses the
analogy of the mind being like a garden
you know weeds don’t have to have any
encouragement to grow you don’t have to
water them they don’t have to get
sunshine they don’t have to have fur
ground they will grow through the cracks
of a sidewalk am i right but if you want
to grow orchids or roses or any kind of
exotic flowers there are special
processes and procedures you must go
through we’re by the same token you
don’t have to force yourself or motivate
yourself to think negatively to be
depressed to hate somebody to want
revenge you want to get back at somebody
to beat yourself up over the head to
feel loaded with guilt you don’t have to
make any effort to do that your mind is
on automatic it will do that by itself
but if you want to begin to move into
your own personal greatness if you want
to begin to really enjoy a happy
successful healthy life you’ve got to be
willing to go against the tide you’ve
got to be willing to harness your will
and say in spite of this I’m in control
here I’m not gonna let this get me down
I’m not gonna let this destroy me I’m
coming back and I’ll be stronger and
better because of it you have got to
make a declaration this is what you
stand for you’re standing up for your
dreams you’re standing up for peace of
mind you’re standing up for health you
want it and you’re gonna go all out to
have it it’s not going to be easy when
you want to change it’s not easy if it
were in fact easy everybody to do it but
if you’re serious you’ll go all out yes
I’m going to turn this situation around
I’m not gonna sit back and moan and cry
over what happened and what went wrong
and who did what I’m going to do
something about this situation the next
thing that is important is that expect
things to get better for you because
they are their life is cyclic you’re not
what is it whatever experience you’re
having right now it has not come to stay
it has come to pass not to stay just to
pass it’s just going through the biggest
challenge is is to know what’s happening
this is a part of this thing we call
life this too shall pass and maintaining
perspective putting it in perspective I
was doing the training at a college and
it was a two-day training during
orientation and in the training that I
provide I’m a motivational speaker but I
conduct processes and personal dynamics
where people begin to go through changes
that stimulate the right and left
hemisphere of the brain enable them to
see themselves differently I conducted
this particular simulation with these
young kids 17 and 18 years of age so
that they would begin to see how they
make decisions of how they would survive
in this particular simulation
process we gave them we had them to do
it individually and then collectively
over 30% of them wrote down as their
first option in order to survive they
would commit suicide first thing they
wrote down suicide among young people
has increased 300% over 5,000 will
successfully take their lives this year
why why did he do that
they defensive I was so shocked I said
what do you mean well at least we would
not suffer and then they had the nerve
to write down all of the other things
they were going to do after they
committed suicide
I said listen Dumbo no when you when you
come up with a permanent solution for a
temporary problem
that’s it game’s over that’s it you’re
not going to do anything anybody wrote
suicide at the top you can put your
pencil down see a lot of us because of
our limited vision of ourselves a lot of
us who begin to focus on problems and
enable them to overwhelm us we begin to
think that we have no options we begin
to believe that there’s no way out
repeat after me there’s always a way
where there’s a will there’s a way
shake somebody’s hand on your right or
left and say I’m unstoppable
[Applause]
you’ve got to make those kind of
declarations to yourself
I’m stoppable this will not get me down
and if I get knocked down I’m gonna be
like Leo Pascal you said you’re gonna
have some low moments in life but when
you do you will have high lows but your
work on yourself what are some of those
things that you can do during this
period of time go for walks do some
things for you just go for a stroll so
you can engage in some reflective
thinking on life on yourself looking and
enjoying the universe smelling the roses
along the way listen to upbeat music
music that inspires you I have only but
goodies I have strategies that I engage
in to recharge my batteries I’m
preparing for that because I know things
are going to happen that I cannot
anticipate very good friend of mine died
the other day I had a program for myself
I have books that I read that inspire me
tapes that I listen to that fire me up
because you’re gonna have sometimes
little moments when you won’t want to
get out of bed you just want to stay
there at times you won’t want to come
out of the house the times you’ll be
feeling bad and don’t know why what’s
wrong I don’t know just leave me alone
what did that happen I don’t know it’s
called life
the other thing is take full
responsibility for your life except
where you are and the responsibility
that you’re going to take yourself where
you want to go so once that we have two
primary choices in life we can either
accept conditions as they exist or we
can take the responsibility to change
them see a lot of people want to exempt
themselves from taking responsibility
all they want to do is talk about the
problem every time you see them they’ll
tell you their story over and over and
over and over again no no you want to
take responsibility for your life
I got me here I can get me out of this
and I’m getting out I’m not going to be
a volunteer victim George Bernard Shaw
said there are two kinds of people in
life you know he said those that make
things happen those that watch things
happen and those that don’t know what
happened and he said the people to get
alone in this life look around for the
circumstances that they want and if they
can’t find them they make up they
creator so part of beginning to get
unstuck you’ve got to decide that the
behavior pattern that you have adopted
doesn’t work for you you’ve got to
change your strategies and changing your
strategy means reinventing your life
recreating you and you have the power to
do that you can decide that you’re going
to change that you’re not going to be a
wimp
you can decide that you’re going to
stand up to life
you can decide that I’m gonna live each
day as if it were my last you can you
have the power to make that decision
you can decide I’m gonna work on myself
and develop myself I’m going to empower
me and all of these things that are
happening to me right now they’re just
temporary inconveniences they’re not
stronger than I am I’m in charge here
next thing is separate what you do from
who you are that’s what the guilt trap
is about see a lot of folks won’t let
you forget what you used to do or what
you have done what mistakes you’ve made
all of us have made some risk mistakes
in life all of us have done some things
that if we had them to do over again we
wouldn’t do it again a lot of things
that if I had it to do over again if I
knew then what I know now I would have
done it differently well it did happen
that way and that’s what you call life I
didn’t do it like that oh you don’t want
me to live that down how you want to
keep on putting that in my face about
what I did guess what I’m not interested
that’s what I did fit won’t do it today
so you were picking on an innocent man
hello
so as you in the process of reinventing
your life write a description of the
kind of person that you want to be what
are the things that you must overcome
what qualities about your personality
you know that you’re going to have to
change because those particular
characteristics are liabilities to you
what are your assets what are your
strong points look at and evaluating
yourself to make that determination
other thing is that in order to get out
of a rut we need some coaching find some
trusted critics people that you don’t
care about you love you some things that
keeps us from growing and getting out of
ruts number one we identify with
feedback we take it personal when
someone want to give us some feedback on
where we are falling short you tell us
about our blind spots we want to have
everything being positive about us we’re
not perfect it’s it hurts I have a
friend who was a trusted critic I don’t
like him but I love him he doesn’t tell
me the things I want to hear he tell me
what I need to hear so I can grow it
hurts it hurts when he put me on the hot
seat I can’t stand it
but that’s the only way that I can grow
and I’m glad that he loves me enough to
risk our friendship to tell me what I
need to hear not what I want to hear get
a support group somebody that you can
talk to people who perhaps might have a
similar problem support groups are very
powerful that you can share some of the
challenges that you’re going through and
it might be a situation where one person
can give you an idea of how they handle
that situation and create an opening for
you begin to stimulate some
possibilities in your mind on how you
can resolve the problem we can’t grow by
ourselves as I mentioned before we grow
from people and projects the other thing
is about life when things happen to you
when you permit things to use you you
can’t change the past but you can
interpret you can reinterpret how you
see it for years I was going around with
a heavy load on my shoulders feeling bad
because I was adopted doing interviews
for adoption agencies in foster homes
and I was on television once and I told
these people in this particular
interview that I was given away my twin
brother and I when we were six weeks of
age friend of mine fortunately was
listening to the program and she said
les like to have lunch with you and so I
went over to see her she said when a
woman cares a baby for nine months
feeling that life movement in her it’s
automatic and natural for her to learn
to love that baby to expect it to come
here when she bares to pain to bring it
into the world
your mother Mamie Brown when she came in
to adopt you guys she didn’t go through
that process she looked at whoever your
biological mother was and said I’ll take
her you are giving away less you were
chosen with love
[Applause]
same circumstances same event but
reinterpreted an interpretation that
empowers me am I making sense to you so
when you begin to look at your past give
an interpretation that empowers you
that’s where it used to be that’s not
where I am now I’m growing now I want
you to think about in your mind right
now think about some particular event or
act in your life that you feel very bad
about but you really regret that that
took place if you had to do over again
you would do it differently with that
there I want you to see yourself in your
mind’s eye and say to yourself I love
myself unconditionally and I forgive
myself
I knew better I would have done better
I want you to think about somebody that
that cost you some pain cost you some
disappointment somebody that you don’t
like let me tell you something about the
mind how it uses you tell you something
super stupid that I’d used to do do you
know for years I hated my mother and my
father whoever they were because they
gave me away as I thought at that point
in time and guess what I didn’t have any
faces for the hatred because I never saw
either one of them and I said I hate
them for that and then once I forgave
them and said it’s okay
had they not given me away I would have
never been blessed to have the mother
that I have who to me is the greatest
mother in the world so the universe and
Foles as it’s you but when I went
through this process saying forgive them
I remember in my mind as I was trying to
picture these people I had two
individuals in my mind standing there
with no faces because I didn’t know how
they look but I released that I let that
luggage go think about somebody that
you’ve hurt somebody that you’ve
disappointed either deliberately or
inadvertently or someone that has hurt
you deliberately or inadvertently think
about them somebody that that you really
really when you think about them they’re
the room turns red
look at them in your mind’s eye and say
I forgive you I forgive you
unconditionally for that’s a heavy load
to let off when I thought about that guy
I said wait a minute
I can’t no no you don’t know what this
guy did this was my mama you don’t know
what we went through my students said
les forgive let it go if you want to be
forgiven you better forgive somebody
none of us are perfect all of us have
made some mistakes and it wasn’t easy
it’s not easy forgiving am i right it’s
not everybody won’t forgive they say I
forgive but I don’t forget now let it go
so you can grow let’s get a little
demonstration here throw it up through
the wall on this side here right
demonstrate it like this let’s go I
throw away negative thoughts revenge
guilt
anything that’s been holding me back now
with that right hand let’s bring
something in bring in love
peace of mind good relationships whole
lot of money I don’t know why people
raise their voices always they hold on
I mean they get serious – you know they
that usually people are you run it I use
two hands it
they tried ball somebody else’s head
reinterpreting our past understanding
and knowing that we can move from where
we are that we can begin to design the
kind of life that empowers us that gives
us happiness that enable us to be on top
of who we are knowing that as we begin
to explore new horizons and new vistas
in life that as we begin to to focus on
developing ourselves as we begin to
elevate ourselves and not to follow the
crowd activating the thinker in us and
dis disciplining and putting on hold the
emotional part of ourselves it’s not
easy but through practice and practice
and practice practice makes what
absolutely not dismantle that belief
system
practice makes improvement you can
always better your best you can always
go beyond anything that you have ever
done you never hit a state of perfection
you’re always bigger than what you do
and so all you’re looking for new
breakthroughs through practice and
practice and practice you’ll get better
and better and better and there’s still
some things that will happen to you that
will catch you on the blindside that you
did not anticipate you get knocked down
but you won’t be knocked out you’ll be
able to get to your feet again beyond
the ropes but you have a fast recovery
rate when you work on yourself
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