the only thing I have ever wanted to be
for my whole life was a writer creative
living is any life that you live where
your decisions are based more strongly
on your curiosity than your fear the
definition of your ego is it’s a
bottomless hole of desire can never be
satisfied with anything you can’t open a
magazine today right without somebody
the headline is always how so-and-so
found balance for me in my life writing
is the thing that I love and the
sandwich was the 7 years that I was not
getting published with creativity even
my failures the stakes are so low you
know aside from people who are very
heavily medicated the calmest people
that I know tend to also be the wisest
if you can’t feel like you’re alive
unless you’re burning bridges behind you
like the match walk away that’s that’s a
deal I’m operating constantly at like 90
percent fear threshold
I’m afraid right now she’s an American
author essayist biographer and novelist
she’s best known for her book Eat Pray
Love which is spent a hundred and ninety
nine weeks on a New York Times
bestseller list Eat Pray Love was also
turned into a film by the same name in
2010
she’s Elizabeth Gilbert and here’s my
take on her top ten rules for success
the only thing I have ever wanted to be
for my whole life was a writer I wrote
all through childhood all through
adolescence by the time I was a teenager
I was sending my very bad stories to The
New Yorker hoping to be discovered after
college I got a job as a diner waitress
kept working kept writing kept trying
really hard to get published and failing
at it I failed at getting published for
almost six years so for almost six years
every single day I had nothing but
rejection letters waiting for me in my
mailbox and it was devastating every
single time in every single time I had
to ask myself if I should just quit
while I was behind and give up and spare
myself this pain but then I would find
my resolve and always in the same way by
saying I’m not going to quit I’m going
home you have to understand that for me
going home did not mean returning to my
family’s farm for me going home meant
returning to the work of writing because
writing was my home because I loved
writing more than I hated failing at
writing which is to say that I loved
write
more than I loved my own ego which is
ultimately to say that I loved writing
more than I loved myself and that’s how
I pushed through it
my definition personally of creativity
is that it’s the intersection between
humans labor and the mysteries of
inspiration which is kind of grand but
my definition of creative living is much
simpler creative living is any life that
you live where your decisions are based
more strongly on your curiosity than
your fear that’s that’s it and if you
consistently habitually routinely
at every sort of intersection and
decision in your life make decisions
that are based on curiosity rather than
fear then you will be engaging with
creativity at some level at some point
and it won’t look like my life and will
look like your life it will it won’t
look like anybody else’s life because
everyone’s curiosity is different so
everybody’s path the following curiosity
will have a different outcome but um
your life itself will sort of become a
work of art if you can consistently live
that way not easy but so worth it so
worth the trouble it’s perfectly okay to
have an ego we all have one the
definition of your ego is it’s a
bottomless hole of desire it can never
be satisfied with anything your ego is
the thing that will sell twenty million
records and wonder why it wasn’t 30
million right and if and that’s it can’t
be set can be satisfied for moments but
it can’t be eternally satisfied no
matter what your ego gets there’s going
to be another level where it wants more
it wants five of them it wants them in
blue that wants it tomorrow morning you
know that’s the definite we all have
this at some level in ourselves so I had
a letter on Facebook the other day from
a young woman who said I don’t think
it’s fair for anybody to tell me that I
shouldn’t want to be a successful
actress I’m going to acting school and I
want to be a successful actress and I
said that’s of course you want to be a
successful actress I wanted to be a
successful writer when I was your age I
wanted to be published if I didn’t want
to be published I wouldn’t bother try to
get published I would have just written
in my bedroom and put it under my desk
and been fine but I wanted it to be seen
it’s fine but make sure you have if not
Easter if you’re not capable of having a
stronger motive than that make sure you
at least have an additional one make
sure you have an additional one
and let that additional one be something
that has more to do with your soul than
your ego because you are also a soul and
your soul wants a bunch of different
stuff than your ego wants your soul
wants wonder it wants becoming it wants
unfolding it wants process it wants
connection it wants some sort of sense
of meaning those are the things your
soul wants and I have this lecture with
myself all the time so that when I get a
bad review and I’m NIF de bout it and I
feel like I’ve been misunderstood or
worse understood um
and revealed in a way that I don’t want
to be I can see this difference where I
can check in with my ego and my egos
wounded it doesn’t like it I would like
everybody to like everything I do it
hurts I still don’t like it after all
these years and I’ll be like ouch I
don’t that didn’t feel good I didn’t
want that and then I check in with my
soul and say how you do and in my cells
like or fine can we play more can we
make another thing I just want to make
another thing let’s do it again let’s do
another one let’s do it differently
let’s try this and that’s you know I can
never totally circumvent my ego but as
long as I’m making sure to constantly
check in with a richer and more
interesting part of myself then I feel
like I’m alright
let’s throw out that word balance we’re
always trying to say balance and it’s
like that no big deal what is that that
is a word I would like to see eradicated
from the cultural conversation I mean
you can’t open a magazine today right
without somebody the headline is always
how so-and-so found balance you know how
this person found bounds like have you
ever met a person personal and if you
did would you want to even be friends
with them is that somebody who you would
want to call in the middle of the night
when you’ve lost your balance balance is
something that you’d find and lose
regain and lose we’re on a planet that’s
spending seven thousand miles an hour
our minds are spending twenty thousand
miles an hour we’re surrounded by people
who are in change we’re and change to
expect that you should somehow be able
to hold your state through that entire
thing is just crazy
every pursuit no matter how glamorous
that may seem no matter how exciting you
are it feels to you no matter how much
you feel like you were born to do it
comes with a sandwich and so the
question is not what do I love the
question is what do I love so much that
I don’t mind eating the sandwich that
comes along with that thing so for me in
my life writing is the thing that I love
and the
sandwich was the seven years that I was
not getting published and that I was
coming home from my job as a diner
waitress as a bartender as an au pair as
a somebody who worked in flea markets as
a cook and I was coming home tired and
smelling like other people’s french
fries and sitting down and doing my real
job which was to write and then to go to
the mailbox the next day and get another
rejection letter and then say do I still
wanna do this cuz this sucks
you know and I did still want to do it
and now even as somebody who makes their
living as a writer there’s no end to the
sandwiches it’s like um oh hello
horrible review in prominent newspaper
um that’s your sandwich today was you
still want to do this work yeah yeah I
still do still worth it like Hello um
awful comment on social media from
somebody who thinks you’re a pile of oh
yeah you know it just has like chosen
every possible way that they can just
cannot get it out of their system fast
enough
I have much disregard they have for your
entire life yeah still want to do this
thing yes I still want to do it you know
so that’s the question because if the
first time you encounter the sandwich
you’re like well this this isn’t worth
it then that’s not the thing you’re
supposed to be doing yes um and there
are plenty of things in life that that I
have run into the sandwich I’ve been
like so not worth it so not worth it
like this is not I want to do this like
whatever the bed alleged benefits of
this thing yes might be no down the
SoulCycle no you know like I know it’s
probably really good for me but I feel
like throwing up right now is too hard
um you’ll not be seeing me here again
you know like um and I love my sisters
at SoulCycle I just don’t like feeling
like I’m going to throw up I want to
exercise so it’s not for me you know um
and and so that’s the question so if you
go into this thing thinking if I follow
my bliss and I live my dream and I stand
in my truth then everything will be
great it doesn’t mean everything will be
great
it just means at the end of the day when
you check in with yourself and you go in
the end on the balance is this still
better than not doing it and the answer
is still yeah this thing is still better
than not doing it then you’re on the
with creativity even my failures the
stakes are so low you know I mean this
is the thing that I’m always trying to
tell people about artistic endeavor the
stakes are so low the stakes are so low
like very rarely is somebody going to
die or have their heart broken or have
their life upturned because a poem that
you wrote didn’t work you know or an
essay that you tried to write didn’t
work if I write a book and people don’t
like it they’re not going to come to my
house and shoot me you know what I mean
I mean it’s and be exaggerating but it’s
I think sometimes we in the world realm
of creativity blow the stakes up to
something so much higher than they
possibly are I’ve heard a lot of comics
say that the fantastic thing about doing
stand-up which i think is the scariest
of all art forms is to bomb and then to
walk offstage and you’re like oh oh that
didn’t work and I’m still here that’s
amazing the worst possible thing that
could happen happened and nothing
happened you know I’m still intact I’m
still in one piece so so my creative
failures have that feeling to them where
it’s like wow that totally didn’t work
and I’m totally fine we’re all going to
live it’s totally fine look something
happened to me um but I even saying that
kind of puts it in a little bit too
passive of a voice you know I set out to
I set out looking for something very
specific and through a pretty rigorous
search and and a pretty rigorous set of
practices I I got that thing that I
wanted which to put it really simply and
perhaps over simply is is a certain
calmness you know um it’s life is an
extremely agitating event you know and
and I vibrate at a slightly higher
frequency than is necessarily healthy
you know and I always have I’ve always
been kind of anxious I’ve always been
super emotive I feel things harder than
it is good for me
indecision has been part of my life you
know and and I could see after a certain
age how that was destructive not only to
myself but to people around me and you
know I just think you get to a point
where you don’t want to be in other
people’s away you know you don’t want to
be taking up you don’t to be taking up
other people’s space and energies to
sort of take care of you and and I
longed to be a different kind of person
you know I wanted to be just a little
more at ease a little more relaxed and
and a little more wise you know because
it seems to me that wisdom is the
beginning of of serenity you know and
you know aside from people who are very
heavily medicated the calmest people
that I know tend to also be the wisest
who are quickest you know or most
instinctively able to put things in a
perspective that takes away the urgency
of the moment and there are practices
that you can do to get there you know
and those practices you know as my
friend Richard from Texas always says
this works you know those practices work
and people do it in different ways and
they do it they do it in different
places but I think the end result and
desire is always the same you want peace
you know if not in the world then at
least within your own mind if you can’t
feel like you’re alive unless you’re
burning bridges behind you like the
match walk away that’s that deal that’s
not the contract that I’ve ever had with
my creativity because for me you know we
live in this sort of bumper-sticker
world where the two bumper stickers that
I always want to edit are the teeth with
my like a sharpie in the parking lot
there’s the one that says jump and the
net will catch you and there’s the one
that said what would you do if you knew
you could not fail right so the edits I
want to make our jump and then that
might catch you and what would you do
even if failure wasn’t even like a word
that you were caring about which is a
long edit and makes for a terrible
bumper sticker but no um what I’m
getting at is I don’t like the sort of I
don’t like the ethic that says if you
try really hard and you and you put
everything into it you’re going to get
everything that you want because we’re
all grown-ups here so can we just say
that that may or may not have
you may or may not get everything that
you want you might put everything into
something and it doesn’t work and that’s
okay if you didn’t mortgage your house
risk your family like empty out your IRA
and just put yourself in a really
precarious situation such that you can
never do it again right that’s the other
thing such that you’ve been so battered
by how you set up your life so that now
you’re so cornered and strapped and
anxious and shamed yes that you just say
well if that’s what it feels like to
give a hundred percent to something you
can keep it I’m going to take nothing
but save choices from the rest of my
life and that’s it and you just shut
down right I never want to see somebody
put in that situation so the contract
that I made with writing when I was 15
years old and I’ve lit my candle and
made my deal with the universe and said
I’m gonna be a writer for the rest of my
life one of the promises that I made to
the work was I will never ask you to
support me financially I will support
both of us I am a resourceful person my
parents raised me to be a worker I will
do whatever I have to do to pay the rent
and you and I will have a love affair on
the side of this that is not contingent
upon monetization and I have watched so
many creative people murder their
creativity by insisting that they are
not truly creative unless their
creativity pays the bills and if it
doesn’t pay the bills which it might or
might not or it might for a while and
then it might not you might go out of
fashion your thing might change people
might not want that anymore and all of a
sudden you’re stuck and I see those
people go into depression bitterness
rage resentment you have to be childlike
in the pursuit of your life but you
cannot be childish and this is a really
big difference childlike means walking
into the world with wide open wonder and
being open and letting go of bitterness
and ready to be amazed ready to be
taught ready for everything to be new
that’s childlike child ish means I want
it and I should have it and I don’t out
like the way this turned out it’s not
fair I’m gonna have a temper tantrum now
nothing ever goes my way I didn’t grow
up in the right family
I don’t have the right tools I don’t get
to go to the right school nobody likes
me I quit and and just because I wanted
I should have it that’s childish yeah so
you have to separate those things out I
believe you can be childlike and mature
at the same time and mature means
looking after yourself in the real world
in a real way I write in seasons and
I’ll say that that if anybody out there
is an aspiring writer as everybody is
and should be you know and I do always
encourage aspiring writers I I would say
you if you’re at that level you you
should be writing every day because you
nobody else will make you do it you have
no incentive to do it nobody’s waiting
for it if you’re unknown no editor is
knocking on the door saying there’s a
deadline you have to create your own
deadlines your own motivation your own
structure in your own time and I did
that when I was an unpublished young
writer but now at this point the way
that I’ve evolved as writers that I it
seasonal labor for me and there are
seasons for research and there are
seasons for publicity as we’re doing
right now once the book is finished
there’s seasons for writing there are
seasons for editing there are seasons to
pause you know and so now it goes on a
cycle and and and right now I’m just
beginning the season of research for the
next thing but I don’t try to muddy my
head by and also it’s it’s pointless and
it’s kind of a waste of time for me to
write everyday if I don’t have a thing
to write yet you know I need to do go
collect a lot of information before I
can actually put it together and I’d
rather have all that done and then sit
down and do the whole thing at what I am
inherently a naturally an incredibly
fearful person I’m operating constantly
at like 90 percent fear threshold
I’m afraid right now I woke up afraid
I’m going to go to bed afraid I was born
afraid I always sort of been tremulous
with fear but my only saving grace in my
life is that I am 1% more curious about
the world than I am afraid of it and
that’s all you need it just has to be
one gram more curiosity than fear it’s
not about eradicating fear it’s not
about eliminating fear it’s not about
this I think of a particularly American
thing that’s going on right now this
idea of like kicking fear in the ass and
punching it out showing it who’s boss
this kind of extreme sports language
that a lot of people are using around
fear that doesn’t work for me because
anything I ever fight in my life tends
to fight back harder so anytime I’ve
ever tried to attack fear it just
decides to show me how much more
powerful than me it is and it just roars
to life in a much bigger way so that
whole war against fear doesn’t really
work and so for me it’s always been
about well what do I have that’s
slightly stronger than fear and for me
it’s just about kind of curiosity wonder
inquisitive Ness I’m terrified to see
what’s on the other side of that hill
but I really want to see what’s on the
other side of that hill I’m terrified to
see what will happen if I try to do this
project but I’m also like slightly more
curious to see what will happen and
oftentimes when my fear arises which it
does non-stop I try to engage in a
conversation with it and so the first
thing I do is thank it which I don’t
think we do enough I don’t think we show
enough gratitude to our fear all it’s
trying to do is keep you alive and save
your life and so I thank it for caring
about me and trying to protect me and
then I try to explain to it what I’m
doing and why we’re doing this and I
know that your job is to tell me all the
worst outcomes that can happen but I
really want to do this and if it still
won’t back down I usually come to my
fear and I ask it for its alternative
suggestions you know okay so I want to
do this project and you my fear are
telling me not to so what do you have to
offer me what’s your suggestion and when
you challenge it like that the answer is
always nothing it has nothing to offer
it never has a better idea it has never
once had a better idea it just doesn’t
want me to do anything it would just
prefer that I stayed in a darkened room
with a cool damp cloth on my forehead
hiding from the world forever and that’s
not going to do it for me that’s not an
interesting enough alternative and until
my fear gives me a better idea than the
cockamamie weird jacked up idea that I
have
I kind of have to do the cockamamie
weird jacked-up idea because at least
it’s a thing you know because the
alternative is always do something even
though it might not work and people
might not like it and you might not make
money from it and it might be strange
and it might be a disaster at least it’s
a thing the alternative that fear always
offers is a blank piece of pigment I got
nothing for you
just don’t just shut it down just
nothing and for me when the alternative
is so clearly between something and
nothing I’m just not nihilistic enough
to go with nothing you know I’m just
curious enough to have to go with
something which isn’t a sort of act of
faith that it’s going to work I had a
letter recently from a woman who said I
think I’m about ready to start writing
my book but I’m just afraid that I don’t
want to start until I’m convinced that
the universe will give me the outcome
that I want but what yeah that is never
going to happen the universe might not
give you the outcome that you want we’re
not children here like we all know jump
in the net might not catch you but the
universe will give you an outcome
it’s going to give you something you’re
going to know more about yourself than
you did at the beginning of the things
certainly it might not be what you
wanted it might not be what you expected
but it’ll be something and always always
always given the choice between
something and nothing I’m going to have
to choose something
thank you so much for watching I made
this video because Phoebe asked me to so
there’s a famous entrepreneur that you
want me to profile next leave it in the
comments below and I’ll see what I can
do I’d also love to know which of
elizabeth’s top ten rules had the
biggest impact on you what lesson most
stuck out for you leave it in the
comments below and I will join in the
discussion thank you so much for
watching
continue to believe I don’t see you soon
oh I’m great at boundaries I’m not great
at boundaries I’m kidding I so thought
that was going to be a laugh line I
thought you guys knew me I thought you
knew me well enough to know that what um
no I don’t have any better I’m the
permeable membrane I don’t know I let I
let the you know I am a little better at
it but but I have I don’t know I have
learned one important thing which is
that I think you sort of get to a point
in your life where you think I have to
learn how to say no to things I don’t
want to do and that’s a big mature
moment when you start to begin to do
that but the bigger mature moment is
when you learn how to say no to things
you do want to do because you know that
you just don’t have time or you don’t
have energy or there just isn’t you know
you have to sort of triage your life and
there just isn’t an opportunity and and
that only came to me very recently that
sometimes you you have to turn down even
the wonderful things in order to take
care of your health or or to take care
of what you truly truly truly care about
not just what you truly care about no
catharsis ever happened without
somebody’s participation you know people
talk about cathartic experiences you
know somebody has a horrible accident or
a horrible heartbreak and it transforms
them but but not without their not
without their assistance you know not
without them showing up for it and I
think Travel can always seem like such a
natural way for people to change their
lives but it can’t impose change on you
you know you can only kind of will it in
and similarly whatever beautiful so
treasures of selfhood that I found on
this journey are mine to lose any any
day I feel like it you know and so I
consider it kind of my obligation to
hold on to as much of that as I can
within reason I would so love to tell
you that I get up every day it before
dawn and meditate and I’m half tempted
to tell you that because you know how
the hell would you guys ever know if
it’s true or not but in fact it’s not
true but I but I do it more days than I
don’t um and I think that I have four
that I kind of base it on on my writing
practice as well I would love to say
that I write every day but I don’t but I
write more days than I don’t and I think
as long as in your life you’re doing
more of what’s beneficial to you than
not
and that’s probably good enough for what
we can do in our normal lives you can
only make this decision based on what
you know today and so what you’re going
to have to do whatever you decide to do
about this pregnancy about this person
that you’re involved with about this
situation that you’re in all you know is
what you know right now and the
decisions going to have to be made based
on that so you are going to have to pre
forgive yourself for what you don’t know
yet and it may be that years later when
you have more information about your
life and about the world you may look
back on the decision you made this day
whatever it is and you may wish you had
made a different decision but you have
to begin right now forgiving yourself
for what you can’t know yet I feel like
that is the most compassionate possible
advice that anybody could be given when
they’re making a difficult decision in
your life and then later to go back and
look because we spend so much time mired
and regret about things we should have
known things we should have done things
we shouldn’t have done and at some point
there’s this mercy that you have to show
to yourself that says every decision
I’ve ever made in my life I made based
on what I knew then and that’s all I had
to work with
you can’t know something before you know
it it’s just a rule of life and and I
think about some of this stuff I’ve done
in my life and how stupid it was and I
look back on a younger version of myself
and think how could you have not known
better
and the only compassionate and merciful
response is because I didn’t yet and
maybe I had to do that terrible stupid
thing in order to learn so that I could
become a more mature person who wouldn’t
do it again maybe I had to do it 10
times
maybe I had to do it for 15 years
they’ve had to do it for 30 years but
you’re not going to learn something
until you learn it and then at that
moment you must immediately forgive
younger versions of yourself for what
she didn’t know yet and you must in
advance like I have to sort of look
ahead and be like I know that when I’m
50
six I’m going to look back at myself now
at 46 and be like how could you not have
seen you can’t see what you don’t see
yet and I think what we’re most missing
in our lives both in the public level
and the private level and in the
personal level is mercy
you know just the sense of mercy we’re
all doing the best we can with what we
know at any given moment and we simply
cannot do better than that I can’t you
can’t your family can’t the world can’t
it’s all we’ve got
so be a little gentler with yourself and
with others and their mistakes as well
for my whole life was a writer creative
living is any life that you live where
your decisions are based more strongly
on your curiosity than your fear the
definition of your ego is it’s a
bottomless hole of desire can never be
satisfied with anything you can’t open a
magazine today right without somebody
the headline is always how so-and-so
found balance for me in my life writing
is the thing that I love and the
sandwich was the 7 years that I was not
getting published with creativity even
my failures the stakes are so low you
know aside from people who are very
heavily medicated the calmest people
that I know tend to also be the wisest
if you can’t feel like you’re alive
unless you’re burning bridges behind you
like the match walk away that’s that’s a
deal I’m operating constantly at like 90
percent fear threshold
I’m afraid right now she’s an American
author essayist biographer and novelist
she’s best known for her book Eat Pray
Love which is spent a hundred and ninety
nine weeks on a New York Times
bestseller list Eat Pray Love was also
turned into a film by the same name in
2010
she’s Elizabeth Gilbert and here’s my
take on her top ten rules for success
the only thing I have ever wanted to be
for my whole life was a writer I wrote
all through childhood all through
adolescence by the time I was a teenager
I was sending my very bad stories to The
New Yorker hoping to be discovered after
college I got a job as a diner waitress
kept working kept writing kept trying
really hard to get published and failing
at it I failed at getting published for
almost six years so for almost six years
every single day I had nothing but
rejection letters waiting for me in my
mailbox and it was devastating every
single time in every single time I had
to ask myself if I should just quit
while I was behind and give up and spare
myself this pain but then I would find
my resolve and always in the same way by
saying I’m not going to quit I’m going
home you have to understand that for me
going home did not mean returning to my
family’s farm for me going home meant
returning to the work of writing because
writing was my home because I loved
writing more than I hated failing at
writing which is to say that I loved
write
more than I loved my own ego which is
ultimately to say that I loved writing
more than I loved myself and that’s how
I pushed through it
my definition personally of creativity
is that it’s the intersection between
humans labor and the mysteries of
inspiration which is kind of grand but
my definition of creative living is much
simpler creative living is any life that
you live where your decisions are based
more strongly on your curiosity than
your fear that’s that’s it and if you
consistently habitually routinely
at every sort of intersection and
decision in your life make decisions
that are based on curiosity rather than
fear then you will be engaging with
creativity at some level at some point
and it won’t look like my life and will
look like your life it will it won’t
look like anybody else’s life because
everyone’s curiosity is different so
everybody’s path the following curiosity
will have a different outcome but um
your life itself will sort of become a
work of art if you can consistently live
that way not easy but so worth it so
worth the trouble it’s perfectly okay to
have an ego we all have one the
definition of your ego is it’s a
bottomless hole of desire it can never
be satisfied with anything your ego is
the thing that will sell twenty million
records and wonder why it wasn’t 30
million right and if and that’s it can’t
be set can be satisfied for moments but
it can’t be eternally satisfied no
matter what your ego gets there’s going
to be another level where it wants more
it wants five of them it wants them in
blue that wants it tomorrow morning you
know that’s the definite we all have
this at some level in ourselves so I had
a letter on Facebook the other day from
a young woman who said I don’t think
it’s fair for anybody to tell me that I
shouldn’t want to be a successful
actress I’m going to acting school and I
want to be a successful actress and I
said that’s of course you want to be a
successful actress I wanted to be a
successful writer when I was your age I
wanted to be published if I didn’t want
to be published I wouldn’t bother try to
get published I would have just written
in my bedroom and put it under my desk
and been fine but I wanted it to be seen
it’s fine but make sure you have if not
Easter if you’re not capable of having a
stronger motive than that make sure you
at least have an additional one make
sure you have an additional one
and let that additional one be something
that has more to do with your soul than
your ego because you are also a soul and
your soul wants a bunch of different
stuff than your ego wants your soul
wants wonder it wants becoming it wants
unfolding it wants process it wants
connection it wants some sort of sense
of meaning those are the things your
soul wants and I have this lecture with
myself all the time so that when I get a
bad review and I’m NIF de bout it and I
feel like I’ve been misunderstood or
worse understood um
and revealed in a way that I don’t want
to be I can see this difference where I
can check in with my ego and my egos
wounded it doesn’t like it I would like
everybody to like everything I do it
hurts I still don’t like it after all
these years and I’ll be like ouch I
don’t that didn’t feel good I didn’t
want that and then I check in with my
soul and say how you do and in my cells
like or fine can we play more can we
make another thing I just want to make
another thing let’s do it again let’s do
another one let’s do it differently
let’s try this and that’s you know I can
never totally circumvent my ego but as
long as I’m making sure to constantly
check in with a richer and more
interesting part of myself then I feel
like I’m alright
let’s throw out that word balance we’re
always trying to say balance and it’s
like that no big deal what is that that
is a word I would like to see eradicated
from the cultural conversation I mean
you can’t open a magazine today right
without somebody the headline is always
how so-and-so found balance you know how
this person found bounds like have you
ever met a person personal and if you
did would you want to even be friends
with them is that somebody who you would
want to call in the middle of the night
when you’ve lost your balance balance is
something that you’d find and lose
regain and lose we’re on a planet that’s
spending seven thousand miles an hour
our minds are spending twenty thousand
miles an hour we’re surrounded by people
who are in change we’re and change to
expect that you should somehow be able
to hold your state through that entire
thing is just crazy
every pursuit no matter how glamorous
that may seem no matter how exciting you
are it feels to you no matter how much
you feel like you were born to do it
comes with a sandwich and so the
question is not what do I love the
question is what do I love so much that
I don’t mind eating the sandwich that
comes along with that thing so for me in
my life writing is the thing that I love
and the
sandwich was the seven years that I was
not getting published and that I was
coming home from my job as a diner
waitress as a bartender as an au pair as
a somebody who worked in flea markets as
a cook and I was coming home tired and
smelling like other people’s french
fries and sitting down and doing my real
job which was to write and then to go to
the mailbox the next day and get another
rejection letter and then say do I still
wanna do this cuz this sucks
you know and I did still want to do it
and now even as somebody who makes their
living as a writer there’s no end to the
sandwiches it’s like um oh hello
horrible review in prominent newspaper
um that’s your sandwich today was you
still want to do this work yeah yeah I
still do still worth it like Hello um
awful comment on social media from
somebody who thinks you’re a pile of oh
yeah you know it just has like chosen
every possible way that they can just
cannot get it out of their system fast
enough
I have much disregard they have for your
entire life yeah still want to do this
thing yes I still want to do it you know
so that’s the question because if the
first time you encounter the sandwich
you’re like well this this isn’t worth
it then that’s not the thing you’re
supposed to be doing yes um and there
are plenty of things in life that that I
have run into the sandwich I’ve been
like so not worth it so not worth it
like this is not I want to do this like
whatever the bed alleged benefits of
this thing yes might be no down the
SoulCycle no you know like I know it’s
probably really good for me but I feel
like throwing up right now is too hard
um you’ll not be seeing me here again
you know like um and I love my sisters
at SoulCycle I just don’t like feeling
like I’m going to throw up I want to
exercise so it’s not for me you know um
and and so that’s the question so if you
go into this thing thinking if I follow
my bliss and I live my dream and I stand
in my truth then everything will be
great it doesn’t mean everything will be
great
it just means at the end of the day when
you check in with yourself and you go in
the end on the balance is this still
better than not doing it and the answer
is still yeah this thing is still better
than not doing it then you’re on the
with creativity even my failures the
stakes are so low you know I mean this
is the thing that I’m always trying to
tell people about artistic endeavor the
stakes are so low the stakes are so low
like very rarely is somebody going to
die or have their heart broken or have
their life upturned because a poem that
you wrote didn’t work you know or an
essay that you tried to write didn’t
work if I write a book and people don’t
like it they’re not going to come to my
house and shoot me you know what I mean
I mean it’s and be exaggerating but it’s
I think sometimes we in the world realm
of creativity blow the stakes up to
something so much higher than they
possibly are I’ve heard a lot of comics
say that the fantastic thing about doing
stand-up which i think is the scariest
of all art forms is to bomb and then to
walk offstage and you’re like oh oh that
didn’t work and I’m still here that’s
amazing the worst possible thing that
could happen happened and nothing
happened you know I’m still intact I’m
still in one piece so so my creative
failures have that feeling to them where
it’s like wow that totally didn’t work
and I’m totally fine we’re all going to
live it’s totally fine look something
happened to me um but I even saying that
kind of puts it in a little bit too
passive of a voice you know I set out to
I set out looking for something very
specific and through a pretty rigorous
search and and a pretty rigorous set of
practices I I got that thing that I
wanted which to put it really simply and
perhaps over simply is is a certain
calmness you know um it’s life is an
extremely agitating event you know and
and I vibrate at a slightly higher
frequency than is necessarily healthy
you know and I always have I’ve always
been kind of anxious I’ve always been
super emotive I feel things harder than
it is good for me
indecision has been part of my life you
know and and I could see after a certain
age how that was destructive not only to
myself but to people around me and you
know I just think you get to a point
where you don’t want to be in other
people’s away you know you don’t want to
be taking up you don’t to be taking up
other people’s space and energies to
sort of take care of you and and I
longed to be a different kind of person
you know I wanted to be just a little
more at ease a little more relaxed and
and a little more wise you know because
it seems to me that wisdom is the
beginning of of serenity you know and
you know aside from people who are very
heavily medicated the calmest people
that I know tend to also be the wisest
who are quickest you know or most
instinctively able to put things in a
perspective that takes away the urgency
of the moment and there are practices
that you can do to get there you know
and those practices you know as my
friend Richard from Texas always says
this works you know those practices work
and people do it in different ways and
they do it they do it in different
places but I think the end result and
desire is always the same you want peace
you know if not in the world then at
least within your own mind if you can’t
feel like you’re alive unless you’re
burning bridges behind you like the
match walk away that’s that deal that’s
not the contract that I’ve ever had with
my creativity because for me you know we
live in this sort of bumper-sticker
world where the two bumper stickers that
I always want to edit are the teeth with
my like a sharpie in the parking lot
there’s the one that says jump and the
net will catch you and there’s the one
that said what would you do if you knew
you could not fail right so the edits I
want to make our jump and then that
might catch you and what would you do
even if failure wasn’t even like a word
that you were caring about which is a
long edit and makes for a terrible
bumper sticker but no um what I’m
getting at is I don’t like the sort of I
don’t like the ethic that says if you
try really hard and you and you put
everything into it you’re going to get
everything that you want because we’re
all grown-ups here so can we just say
that that may or may not have
you may or may not get everything that
you want you might put everything into
something and it doesn’t work and that’s
okay if you didn’t mortgage your house
risk your family like empty out your IRA
and just put yourself in a really
precarious situation such that you can
never do it again right that’s the other
thing such that you’ve been so battered
by how you set up your life so that now
you’re so cornered and strapped and
anxious and shamed yes that you just say
well if that’s what it feels like to
give a hundred percent to something you
can keep it I’m going to take nothing
but save choices from the rest of my
life and that’s it and you just shut
down right I never want to see somebody
put in that situation so the contract
that I made with writing when I was 15
years old and I’ve lit my candle and
made my deal with the universe and said
I’m gonna be a writer for the rest of my
life one of the promises that I made to
the work was I will never ask you to
support me financially I will support
both of us I am a resourceful person my
parents raised me to be a worker I will
do whatever I have to do to pay the rent
and you and I will have a love affair on
the side of this that is not contingent
upon monetization and I have watched so
many creative people murder their
creativity by insisting that they are
not truly creative unless their
creativity pays the bills and if it
doesn’t pay the bills which it might or
might not or it might for a while and
then it might not you might go out of
fashion your thing might change people
might not want that anymore and all of a
sudden you’re stuck and I see those
people go into depression bitterness
rage resentment you have to be childlike
in the pursuit of your life but you
cannot be childish and this is a really
big difference childlike means walking
into the world with wide open wonder and
being open and letting go of bitterness
and ready to be amazed ready to be
taught ready for everything to be new
that’s childlike child ish means I want
it and I should have it and I don’t out
like the way this turned out it’s not
fair I’m gonna have a temper tantrum now
nothing ever goes my way I didn’t grow
up in the right family
I don’t have the right tools I don’t get
to go to the right school nobody likes
me I quit and and just because I wanted
I should have it that’s childish yeah so
you have to separate those things out I
believe you can be childlike and mature
at the same time and mature means
looking after yourself in the real world
in a real way I write in seasons and
I’ll say that that if anybody out there
is an aspiring writer as everybody is
and should be you know and I do always
encourage aspiring writers I I would say
you if you’re at that level you you
should be writing every day because you
nobody else will make you do it you have
no incentive to do it nobody’s waiting
for it if you’re unknown no editor is
knocking on the door saying there’s a
deadline you have to create your own
deadlines your own motivation your own
structure in your own time and I did
that when I was an unpublished young
writer but now at this point the way
that I’ve evolved as writers that I it
seasonal labor for me and there are
seasons for research and there are
seasons for publicity as we’re doing
right now once the book is finished
there’s seasons for writing there are
seasons for editing there are seasons to
pause you know and so now it goes on a
cycle and and and right now I’m just
beginning the season of research for the
next thing but I don’t try to muddy my
head by and also it’s it’s pointless and
it’s kind of a waste of time for me to
write everyday if I don’t have a thing
to write yet you know I need to do go
collect a lot of information before I
can actually put it together and I’d
rather have all that done and then sit
down and do the whole thing at what I am
inherently a naturally an incredibly
fearful person I’m operating constantly
at like 90 percent fear threshold
I’m afraid right now I woke up afraid
I’m going to go to bed afraid I was born
afraid I always sort of been tremulous
with fear but my only saving grace in my
life is that I am 1% more curious about
the world than I am afraid of it and
that’s all you need it just has to be
one gram more curiosity than fear it’s
not about eradicating fear it’s not
about eliminating fear it’s not about
this I think of a particularly American
thing that’s going on right now this
idea of like kicking fear in the ass and
punching it out showing it who’s boss
this kind of extreme sports language
that a lot of people are using around
fear that doesn’t work for me because
anything I ever fight in my life tends
to fight back harder so anytime I’ve
ever tried to attack fear it just
decides to show me how much more
powerful than me it is and it just roars
to life in a much bigger way so that
whole war against fear doesn’t really
work and so for me it’s always been
about well what do I have that’s
slightly stronger than fear and for me
it’s just about kind of curiosity wonder
inquisitive Ness I’m terrified to see
what’s on the other side of that hill
but I really want to see what’s on the
other side of that hill I’m terrified to
see what will happen if I try to do this
project but I’m also like slightly more
curious to see what will happen and
oftentimes when my fear arises which it
does non-stop I try to engage in a
conversation with it and so the first
thing I do is thank it which I don’t
think we do enough I don’t think we show
enough gratitude to our fear all it’s
trying to do is keep you alive and save
your life and so I thank it for caring
about me and trying to protect me and
then I try to explain to it what I’m
doing and why we’re doing this and I
know that your job is to tell me all the
worst outcomes that can happen but I
really want to do this and if it still
won’t back down I usually come to my
fear and I ask it for its alternative
suggestions you know okay so I want to
do this project and you my fear are
telling me not to so what do you have to
offer me what’s your suggestion and when
you challenge it like that the answer is
always nothing it has nothing to offer
it never has a better idea it has never
once had a better idea it just doesn’t
want me to do anything it would just
prefer that I stayed in a darkened room
with a cool damp cloth on my forehead
hiding from the world forever and that’s
not going to do it for me that’s not an
interesting enough alternative and until
my fear gives me a better idea than the
cockamamie weird jacked up idea that I
have
I kind of have to do the cockamamie
weird jacked-up idea because at least
it’s a thing you know because the
alternative is always do something even
though it might not work and people
might not like it and you might not make
money from it and it might be strange
and it might be a disaster at least it’s
a thing the alternative that fear always
offers is a blank piece of pigment I got
nothing for you
just don’t just shut it down just
nothing and for me when the alternative
is so clearly between something and
nothing I’m just not nihilistic enough
to go with nothing you know I’m just
curious enough to have to go with
something which isn’t a sort of act of
faith that it’s going to work I had a
letter recently from a woman who said I
think I’m about ready to start writing
my book but I’m just afraid that I don’t
want to start until I’m convinced that
the universe will give me the outcome
that I want but what yeah that is never
going to happen the universe might not
give you the outcome that you want we’re
not children here like we all know jump
in the net might not catch you but the
universe will give you an outcome
it’s going to give you something you’re
going to know more about yourself than
you did at the beginning of the things
certainly it might not be what you
wanted it might not be what you expected
but it’ll be something and always always
always given the choice between
something and nothing I’m going to have
to choose something
thank you so much for watching I made
this video because Phoebe asked me to so
there’s a famous entrepreneur that you
want me to profile next leave it in the
comments below and I’ll see what I can
do I’d also love to know which of
elizabeth’s top ten rules had the
biggest impact on you what lesson most
stuck out for you leave it in the
comments below and I will join in the
discussion thank you so much for
watching
continue to believe I don’t see you soon
oh I’m great at boundaries I’m not great
at boundaries I’m kidding I so thought
that was going to be a laugh line I
thought you guys knew me I thought you
knew me well enough to know that what um
no I don’t have any better I’m the
permeable membrane I don’t know I let I
let the you know I am a little better at
it but but I have I don’t know I have
learned one important thing which is
that I think you sort of get to a point
in your life where you think I have to
learn how to say no to things I don’t
want to do and that’s a big mature
moment when you start to begin to do
that but the bigger mature moment is
when you learn how to say no to things
you do want to do because you know that
you just don’t have time or you don’t
have energy or there just isn’t you know
you have to sort of triage your life and
there just isn’t an opportunity and and
that only came to me very recently that
sometimes you you have to turn down even
the wonderful things in order to take
care of your health or or to take care
of what you truly truly truly care about
not just what you truly care about no
catharsis ever happened without
somebody’s participation you know people
talk about cathartic experiences you
know somebody has a horrible accident or
a horrible heartbreak and it transforms
them but but not without their not
without their assistance you know not
without them showing up for it and I
think Travel can always seem like such a
natural way for people to change their
lives but it can’t impose change on you
you know you can only kind of will it in
and similarly whatever beautiful so
treasures of selfhood that I found on
this journey are mine to lose any any
day I feel like it you know and so I
consider it kind of my obligation to
hold on to as much of that as I can
within reason I would so love to tell
you that I get up every day it before
dawn and meditate and I’m half tempted
to tell you that because you know how
the hell would you guys ever know if
it’s true or not but in fact it’s not
true but I but I do it more days than I
don’t um and I think that I have four
that I kind of base it on on my writing
practice as well I would love to say
that I write every day but I don’t but I
write more days than I don’t and I think
as long as in your life you’re doing
more of what’s beneficial to you than
not
and that’s probably good enough for what
we can do in our normal lives you can
only make this decision based on what
you know today and so what you’re going
to have to do whatever you decide to do
about this pregnancy about this person
that you’re involved with about this
situation that you’re in all you know is
what you know right now and the
decisions going to have to be made based
on that so you are going to have to pre
forgive yourself for what you don’t know
yet and it may be that years later when
you have more information about your
life and about the world you may look
back on the decision you made this day
whatever it is and you may wish you had
made a different decision but you have
to begin right now forgiving yourself
for what you can’t know yet I feel like
that is the most compassionate possible
advice that anybody could be given when
they’re making a difficult decision in
your life and then later to go back and
look because we spend so much time mired
and regret about things we should have
known things we should have done things
we shouldn’t have done and at some point
there’s this mercy that you have to show
to yourself that says every decision
I’ve ever made in my life I made based
on what I knew then and that’s all I had
to work with
you can’t know something before you know
it it’s just a rule of life and and I
think about some of this stuff I’ve done
in my life and how stupid it was and I
look back on a younger version of myself
and think how could you have not known
better
and the only compassionate and merciful
response is because I didn’t yet and
maybe I had to do that terrible stupid
thing in order to learn so that I could
become a more mature person who wouldn’t
do it again maybe I had to do it 10
times
maybe I had to do it for 15 years
they’ve had to do it for 30 years but
you’re not going to learn something
until you learn it and then at that
moment you must immediately forgive
younger versions of yourself for what
she didn’t know yet and you must in
advance like I have to sort of look
ahead and be like I know that when I’m
50
six I’m going to look back at myself now
at 46 and be like how could you not have
seen you can’t see what you don’t see
yet and I think what we’re most missing
in our lives both in the public level
and the private level and in the
personal level is mercy
you know just the sense of mercy we’re
all doing the best we can with what we
know at any given moment and we simply
cannot do better than that I can’t you
can’t your family can’t the world can’t
it’s all we’ve got
so be a little gentler with yourself and
with others and their mistakes as well
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